The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 4 - Rich Little - full transcript
Rich Little! Oh, Rich Little!
Forty-five seconds
to curtain, Mr Little,
Godfrey Daniels! Send for a shepherd,
There seems to be a
pig in my dressing room,
Gee, that was W,C, Fields,
Where's Rich Little?
Of all the gin joints in all
the towns in all the world,
I had to walk into this infested hole,
Here's looking at... at you, kid,
Wow, Humphrey Bogart,
But where's Rich Little?
Oh, I'll be ready,
Scooter, little buddy,
Boy, Rich Little does
impressions of everybody,
It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
I've seen enough, Let's leave,
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational
celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
OK, greetings,
greetings, sayeth the frog
and welcome to another half
hour of whatever this is,
For tonight, we tried to book every
internationally-known superstar
to appear on our
stage at the same time!
They couldn't make it,
Yeah, baby-sitting problems
and stuff like that, I guess,
Actually, we did get
one star, and he's enough
because he can become
all of the other ones,
Naturally, I'm referring to the
master impressionist, Mr Rich Little,
But before we see him, how
about a little Chanson D'Amour?
Oh, what'd I miss?
Oh, nothing, they just bombed again,
Hey, very sensitive, Crazy Harry,
You certainly have a way with a Iyric,
Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Have you seen
any chickens around here today?
Gonzo, why would there be
any chickens around here?
Well, I'm auditioning for
my new dancing chicken act,
It's gonna be sensationaI!
A dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've
never heard of anything as ridiculous
as a dancing chicken,
How about a talking frog?
Be wise, Gonzo,
Well, look, I advertised for
dancing chickens in the paper,
So the minute they show up, just
send them back to the prop room, OK?
Yeah,
- Thank you,
Sure, send the chickens to
the prop room, Ad in the paper!
Chickens can't read, Frogs,
yes, but chickens, never,
Yeah, well, the... the
prop room is down there,
It's the second door on
your left, sir... or madam,
OK, it's guest star time
on the old Muppet Show.
So here he is, the only man I know
who can be anyone he
feels like, Mr Rich Little!
Thank you, thank you,
It's great to be here,
I'd like to start off this
evening by doing my impression
of truly one of the great
comedians of our time,
Hiya, hiya, hiya!
It's great to see you happy
folks 'cause I'm the bear
with the snappy jokes!
Hey, that's terrific, just great!
Yeah, the voice is perfect,
And the jokes are perfectly awfuI!
Hey, look, I'm down here
pretending to be a bear,
They're up there
pretending to be alive!
Very good!
Yeah, but watch it, Rich, you'll
blow the impression by being funny,
You mean you're not impressed
with these impressions?
Was that you or him?
I couldn't tell, This guy's good!
But let me tell you, folks,
a funny thing happened
on the way to the theatre,
I'm coming through a crowd at
the stage door when suddenly...
Don't tell me, I know,
Bob Hope!
Milton Berle,
Jack Benny?
Will you get out of here?!
Sorry for the interruption,
folks, Kermit the Frog here,
We've got a really great
show lined up for you tonight,
featuring Gonzo and the flying
cheese, plus the state of New Jersey,
Oh, gee, Look... look who's here,
Rich, it's you! See, I
was in the dressing room
and I heard you onstage and for a
second thought I had grown a new me,
Hello, Kermie,
What?
Kissy-kissy,
Hey, it's terrific,
If you don't let me sing
tonight on the show...
- ... I'll rip off your flippers!
- Please, Piggy... Rich, This is all...
I heard you out here talking
to another woman! Where is she?
No, Piggy, That was Rich
Little, Wasn't it, Rich?
Hey, no, it wasn't me,
I just got here myself,
I thought so, swamp face!
- But...
Hey, watch what you do
to my frog, Bacon-hips,
Oh, what a performance!
And what a finish, right
into the orchestra pit,
Yeah, good old Rich Little,
Who else can do impressions
and break a piano
in two with his head?
OK, who's next? Come on in,
All right, we're auditioning here
for a new dancing chicken act,
So naturally, I want to
see you hoof, Hit it, Rowlf,
OK, can you do a little time step?
No, you can't do a little time step,
How about the turkey trot?
Nope,
OK, let's see you cross
over here, Come on,
One, two, three, four,
At least do something,
OK, don't call us, we'll call you,
Nice legs, though,
I've heard that
dancing is good for you,
that it can add ten
years to your life,
I believe it, Dancing with
you, I've aged ten years,
Tell me if I'm holding you too tight,
I say, tell me if I'm
holding you too tight,
Now you tell me,
Oh, look at that, You
should call him a doctor,
OK, You're a doctor,
Excuse... excuse me,
Will you stop trying to cut in?
What's the quickest way out of here?
Through the roof,
Join in, everyone,
Take it, Piggy,
Everybody!
There, now that's entertainment!
That's what you said
about the War of 1 81 2,
Oh, here he is,
- Shh, shh,
I understand there are reporters
who want to interview me,
Yes, that's right, I
just want you to know
we are professionaI journalists,
We won't ask you to do impressions,
You can just be yourself,
- Thank you, I appreciate that,
Mr Little, I have
a two-part question,
One, how long does it take
you to work up an impression?
Two, would you answer as Cary Grant?
Listen, Now, listen, we weren't
gonna ask him to perform,
But I just love Cary Grant,
Thank you very much, I really
appreciate that, I really do,
Well, to answer the first
part of your question,
some come very quickly,
like two or three hours,
and others take longer, Then there
are some that I'm still working on,
You mean like your Cary Grant?
I heard that, junior,
Another crack out of you, and
I'll turn your head into a dimple,
Oh, I just love Burt Lancaster,
I thought I was doing Cary Grant,
I know, But I just
love Burt Lancaster,
You're very kind, miss, very kind,
Perhaps after this interview
we could go out together,
have a little champagne supper,
Oh, I think I'm going to faint,
Good grief!
I must apologise for
my colleagues here,
From now on there will be no
impressions, Answer in your own voice,
Oh, that'll be fine,
Are you doing your own voice now,
or are you doing an
impression of yourself?
No, this is my own voice,
I've never learned to do me,
Working with all the strange characters
must seem like a Marx Brothers movie,
That's the nastiest thing I've heard,
Put your teeth in backwards
and bite yourself to death,
Has anyone ever objected
to you impersonating him?
Well, of course, let me say this:
To the best of my... to
the best of my recollection,
I don't think that anybody has ever
objected to me impersonating them,
Tell me, Mr Little, do you have your
own favourite impression you like to do?
Well, I like...
Like to do Jimmy Stewart
a lot, yeah, yep, yep,
Jimmy Stewart is probably...
probably my favourite actor,
One last question, How does it
feeI to be on The Muppet Show
with all those strange
weird creatures?
Oh, I just adore the Muppets,
They're... they're so cute and cuddly,
I could just squeeze
them all to death,
OK, everybody with Broadway
experience, step forward,
And now Veterinarian's HospitaI,
the continuing story of a
quack who's gone to the dogs.
Dr Bob, Dr Bob,
are you ready for the next bear?
Why, Nurse Piggy, I couldn't have
a beer now, I'm about to operate,
No, not beer, bear,
The next patient,
Oh, why, so he is, What
seems to be his trouble?
He's a little hoarse,
- You said he was a bear,
That's very funny, Dr Bob,
Yes, it is a little weird, Usually,
you call a small horse a colt,
But that's why he's a little hoarse,
He's got a colt in the head!
Hey, in that case, we must
try to stabilise his condition,
Oh, well how do we do that?
Put him in the stable!
Oh, but, Dr Bob, we're
supposed to operate,
You're right, Hand me the saw,
Saw, Dr Bob,
Dr Bob, even if he is a horse,
should you be using a saw?
What's the matter? You
never heard of a saw horse?
And so Dr Bob has tuned to carpentry.
Tune in next time when
you will hear him say...
Say, I think this is a
bear I'm operating on,
Why?
- Because I'm barely operating,
That was a very cutting remark,
OK, Scooter, let me know
when he shows up, huh?
Nice going, guys, nice going,
Hey, Kermit,
- What?
Where are you gonna put
my chicken act in the show?
Gonzo, I hate to
break this news to you,
but the dancing chicken act is out,
But, Kermit, why?
Why? Well, somehow, you see, kid, it
doesn't fit into the generaI ambiance
of sophistication and classic theatre
we try so hard to achieve around here,
Sort of like our next act, Nureyev,
Say, Kermit, Nureyev just
called and cancelled out,
One of his seals is sick,
Rudolf Nureyev has trained seals?
No, Adolph Nureyev does,
Does this mean I can go on?
Well, OK, Gonzo, But this
act better not lay an egg,
Stardom is mine,
Thank you, thank you,
And now we have a very
speciaI treat for you,
Actually, it's the only act we've got,
Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable
Gonzo and his dancing chicken, Lolita,
Gonzo and a chicken?
Why not? One chicken, one turkey,
OK, come on, Lolita, dance,
She makes it look easy, don't she?
A big finish, Here it goes,
Say, that Great Gonzo's pretty good,
Good? Why, he's got 'em
laying in the aisles,
And now The Muppet Show takes
pride in presenting scenes
from the great Hollywood
musicaI comedies of yesterday,
as re-created today by our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little!
Old Blue Eyes is back,
Oh, yeah? Well, so's old Green Eyes,
Sing it, Bing,
I can remember everything
as if it were yesterday,
Oh, so can I, Maurice,
That's about it for another one,
Let's thank our very speciaI
guest star, Mr Rich Little! Yeah!
Thank you, I've been
backstage listening,
and I've perfected another
impression of a Muppet star,
Oh, yeah? Well, let's hear it,
My kind of performer!
Will you cut that out? Hey, we'll see
you all next time on The Muppet Show.
I never want to go through that again,
What, The Muppet Show?,
- No, the War of 1 81 2!
Forty-five seconds
to curtain, Mr Little,
Godfrey Daniels! Send for a shepherd,
There seems to be a
pig in my dressing room,
Gee, that was W,C, Fields,
Where's Rich Little?
Of all the gin joints in all
the towns in all the world,
I had to walk into this infested hole,
Here's looking at... at you, kid,
Wow, Humphrey Bogart,
But where's Rich Little?
Oh, I'll be ready,
Scooter, little buddy,
Boy, Rich Little does
impressions of everybody,
It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
I've seen enough, Let's leave,
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational
celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
OK, greetings,
greetings, sayeth the frog
and welcome to another half
hour of whatever this is,
For tonight, we tried to book every
internationally-known superstar
to appear on our
stage at the same time!
They couldn't make it,
Yeah, baby-sitting problems
and stuff like that, I guess,
Actually, we did get
one star, and he's enough
because he can become
all of the other ones,
Naturally, I'm referring to the
master impressionist, Mr Rich Little,
But before we see him, how
about a little Chanson D'Amour?
Oh, what'd I miss?
Oh, nothing, they just bombed again,
Hey, very sensitive, Crazy Harry,
You certainly have a way with a Iyric,
Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Have you seen
any chickens around here today?
Gonzo, why would there be
any chickens around here?
Well, I'm auditioning for
my new dancing chicken act,
It's gonna be sensationaI!
A dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've
never heard of anything as ridiculous
as a dancing chicken,
How about a talking frog?
Be wise, Gonzo,
Well, look, I advertised for
dancing chickens in the paper,
So the minute they show up, just
send them back to the prop room, OK?
Yeah,
- Thank you,
Sure, send the chickens to
the prop room, Ad in the paper!
Chickens can't read, Frogs,
yes, but chickens, never,
Yeah, well, the... the
prop room is down there,
It's the second door on
your left, sir... or madam,
OK, it's guest star time
on the old Muppet Show.
So here he is, the only man I know
who can be anyone he
feels like, Mr Rich Little!
Thank you, thank you,
It's great to be here,
I'd like to start off this
evening by doing my impression
of truly one of the great
comedians of our time,
Hiya, hiya, hiya!
It's great to see you happy
folks 'cause I'm the bear
with the snappy jokes!
Hey, that's terrific, just great!
Yeah, the voice is perfect,
And the jokes are perfectly awfuI!
Hey, look, I'm down here
pretending to be a bear,
They're up there
pretending to be alive!
Very good!
Yeah, but watch it, Rich, you'll
blow the impression by being funny,
You mean you're not impressed
with these impressions?
Was that you or him?
I couldn't tell, This guy's good!
But let me tell you, folks,
a funny thing happened
on the way to the theatre,
I'm coming through a crowd at
the stage door when suddenly...
Don't tell me, I know,
Bob Hope!
Milton Berle,
Jack Benny?
Will you get out of here?!
Sorry for the interruption,
folks, Kermit the Frog here,
We've got a really great
show lined up for you tonight,
featuring Gonzo and the flying
cheese, plus the state of New Jersey,
Oh, gee, Look... look who's here,
Rich, it's you! See, I
was in the dressing room
and I heard you onstage and for a
second thought I had grown a new me,
Hello, Kermie,
What?
Kissy-kissy,
Hey, it's terrific,
If you don't let me sing
tonight on the show...
- ... I'll rip off your flippers!
- Please, Piggy... Rich, This is all...
I heard you out here talking
to another woman! Where is she?
No, Piggy, That was Rich
Little, Wasn't it, Rich?
Hey, no, it wasn't me,
I just got here myself,
I thought so, swamp face!
- But...
Hey, watch what you do
to my frog, Bacon-hips,
Oh, what a performance!
And what a finish, right
into the orchestra pit,
Yeah, good old Rich Little,
Who else can do impressions
and break a piano
in two with his head?
OK, who's next? Come on in,
All right, we're auditioning here
for a new dancing chicken act,
So naturally, I want to
see you hoof, Hit it, Rowlf,
OK, can you do a little time step?
No, you can't do a little time step,
How about the turkey trot?
Nope,
OK, let's see you cross
over here, Come on,
One, two, three, four,
At least do something,
OK, don't call us, we'll call you,
Nice legs, though,
I've heard that
dancing is good for you,
that it can add ten
years to your life,
I believe it, Dancing with
you, I've aged ten years,
Tell me if I'm holding you too tight,
I say, tell me if I'm
holding you too tight,
Now you tell me,
Oh, look at that, You
should call him a doctor,
OK, You're a doctor,
Excuse... excuse me,
Will you stop trying to cut in?
What's the quickest way out of here?
Through the roof,
Join in, everyone,
Take it, Piggy,
Everybody!
There, now that's entertainment!
That's what you said
about the War of 1 81 2,
Oh, here he is,
- Shh, shh,
I understand there are reporters
who want to interview me,
Yes, that's right, I
just want you to know
we are professionaI journalists,
We won't ask you to do impressions,
You can just be yourself,
- Thank you, I appreciate that,
Mr Little, I have
a two-part question,
One, how long does it take
you to work up an impression?
Two, would you answer as Cary Grant?
Listen, Now, listen, we weren't
gonna ask him to perform,
But I just love Cary Grant,
Thank you very much, I really
appreciate that, I really do,
Well, to answer the first
part of your question,
some come very quickly,
like two or three hours,
and others take longer, Then there
are some that I'm still working on,
You mean like your Cary Grant?
I heard that, junior,
Another crack out of you, and
I'll turn your head into a dimple,
Oh, I just love Burt Lancaster,
I thought I was doing Cary Grant,
I know, But I just
love Burt Lancaster,
You're very kind, miss, very kind,
Perhaps after this interview
we could go out together,
have a little champagne supper,
Oh, I think I'm going to faint,
Good grief!
I must apologise for
my colleagues here,
From now on there will be no
impressions, Answer in your own voice,
Oh, that'll be fine,
Are you doing your own voice now,
or are you doing an
impression of yourself?
No, this is my own voice,
I've never learned to do me,
Working with all the strange characters
must seem like a Marx Brothers movie,
That's the nastiest thing I've heard,
Put your teeth in backwards
and bite yourself to death,
Has anyone ever objected
to you impersonating him?
Well, of course, let me say this:
To the best of my... to
the best of my recollection,
I don't think that anybody has ever
objected to me impersonating them,
Tell me, Mr Little, do you have your
own favourite impression you like to do?
Well, I like...
Like to do Jimmy Stewart
a lot, yeah, yep, yep,
Jimmy Stewart is probably...
probably my favourite actor,
One last question, How does it
feeI to be on The Muppet Show
with all those strange
weird creatures?
Oh, I just adore the Muppets,
They're... they're so cute and cuddly,
I could just squeeze
them all to death,
OK, everybody with Broadway
experience, step forward,
And now Veterinarian's HospitaI,
the continuing story of a
quack who's gone to the dogs.
Dr Bob, Dr Bob,
are you ready for the next bear?
Why, Nurse Piggy, I couldn't have
a beer now, I'm about to operate,
No, not beer, bear,
The next patient,
Oh, why, so he is, What
seems to be his trouble?
He's a little hoarse,
- You said he was a bear,
That's very funny, Dr Bob,
Yes, it is a little weird, Usually,
you call a small horse a colt,
But that's why he's a little hoarse,
He's got a colt in the head!
Hey, in that case, we must
try to stabilise his condition,
Oh, well how do we do that?
Put him in the stable!
Oh, but, Dr Bob, we're
supposed to operate,
You're right, Hand me the saw,
Saw, Dr Bob,
Dr Bob, even if he is a horse,
should you be using a saw?
What's the matter? You
never heard of a saw horse?
And so Dr Bob has tuned to carpentry.
Tune in next time when
you will hear him say...
Say, I think this is a
bear I'm operating on,
Why?
- Because I'm barely operating,
That was a very cutting remark,
OK, Scooter, let me know
when he shows up, huh?
Nice going, guys, nice going,
Hey, Kermit,
- What?
Where are you gonna put
my chicken act in the show?
Gonzo, I hate to
break this news to you,
but the dancing chicken act is out,
But, Kermit, why?
Why? Well, somehow, you see, kid, it
doesn't fit into the generaI ambiance
of sophistication and classic theatre
we try so hard to achieve around here,
Sort of like our next act, Nureyev,
Say, Kermit, Nureyev just
called and cancelled out,
One of his seals is sick,
Rudolf Nureyev has trained seals?
No, Adolph Nureyev does,
Does this mean I can go on?
Well, OK, Gonzo, But this
act better not lay an egg,
Stardom is mine,
Thank you, thank you,
And now we have a very
speciaI treat for you,
Actually, it's the only act we've got,
Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable
Gonzo and his dancing chicken, Lolita,
Gonzo and a chicken?
Why not? One chicken, one turkey,
OK, come on, Lolita, dance,
She makes it look easy, don't she?
A big finish, Here it goes,
Say, that Great Gonzo's pretty good,
Good? Why, he's got 'em
laying in the aisles,
And now The Muppet Show takes
pride in presenting scenes
from the great Hollywood
musicaI comedies of yesterday,
as re-created today by our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Rich Little!
Old Blue Eyes is back,
Oh, yeah? Well, so's old Green Eyes,
Sing it, Bing,
I can remember everything
as if it were yesterday,
Oh, so can I, Maurice,
That's about it for another one,
Let's thank our very speciaI
guest star, Mr Rich Little! Yeah!
Thank you, I've been
backstage listening,
and I've perfected another
impression of a Muppet star,
Oh, yeah? Well, let's hear it,
My kind of performer!
Will you cut that out? Hey, we'll see
you all next time on The Muppet Show.
I never want to go through that again,
What, The Muppet Show?,
- No, the War of 1 81 2!