The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 23 - John Cleese - full transcript

John Cleese, Fifteen seconds
to curtain, Mr Cleese,

Well, it's no use
struggling, Mr Cleese,

You can't leave untiI
you've done the show,

It's The Muppet Show, with our
speciaI guest star, Mr John Cleese!

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

Well, they'll never
get this started,

It's time to get things started

On the most sensational,
inspirational



Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we call The Muppet Show

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Heigh-ho and welcome
to another Muppet Show.

We're going to have a
fantastic show tonight,

because our guest star
is one of the geniuses

behind Monty Python's Flying
Circus, Mr John Cleese!

Kermit, here's a note from the
stagehands up in the rafters,

Let's see, It says, "Dear Kermit,

We are sorry we dropped
that heavy weight,

but we hope it doesn't do any
damage when it hits the floor,

P,S, Actually, we
dropped two weights,"

Why don't you guys watch the opening
number? I'm gonna lie down for a while,

Go get it, Gramps!



What's wrong with you?
- I got a sore thumb,

Why don't you get it taken care of?
- It keeps my mind off the show,

And now, to appease the
intellectuals of our audience,

the Great Gonzo will catch a
cannonball with his bare hand,

as fired from a
muzzle-loading cannon,

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo!

Thank you, The Great Gonzo,

The bare hand,

The muzzle-loading cannon,

The lovely assistant, Crazy Harry,

I must ask for complete silence
from the audience for this act,

Ready?

Three, two, one! Fire!

It's OK, Everything is fine, folks,

Gonzo merely got knocked offstage
by the impact, but I think...

Yes, he caught the cannonball!

I've seen my share of
cannonball-catching acts,

but that had something different,

What was that?
- A survivor,

Hey, have you heard about the new
police show starring Gonzo the Great?

No, what's it called?
- The Long Arm of the Law.

Very funny, Very droll bear,

OK, what's next, now?
- Kermit, may I have a word with you?

Hey, it's John Cleese!

Kermit, I am not pleased,
- John, what's wrong?

Kermit, this place
is infested with pigs,

So?
- I don't wanna work with them,

Hi, John, Hi, Kermit,
- Hi, fellas,

That's why every one of my contracts
has a standard no-pigs clause,

A no-pigs clause?

Here we are, It says, "I
only work with a frog... "

That's you, right?
- Check,

"... the bear and the ugly, disgusting
little one who catches cannonballs,"

That's it, no pigs, and
that goes for monsters, too,

I'd like to speak
to my agent, please,

Sure, Where is he?
- Over there,

OK, what do I do
with the pigs, Kermit?

Here's a Muppet newsflash,

Science has discovered a
process which may go a long way

towards solving the
world's food crisis,

Dr William Edgar of Chicago,
Illinois, reports he has found a method

of synthesising Italian
dinners out of wooI,

At a press conference, Edgar
demonstrated his process

by knitting a tureen of minestrone,

while his wife, Nancy,
crocheted meatballs,

Usually this bird's a great
performer, but tonight she laid an egg,

And now, Pigs in Space!

Starring the acrophobic
Captain Link Hogthrob,

the illustrious first
mate, Miss Piggy.

And the sesquipedalian,
Dr Strangepork.

As we join our story today...

These long, late night watches,

Oh, the loneliness of command,

Avast there!
- What the hey?

This 'ere ship be under siege!

I beg your pardon, Who are you?
- I be Long John Silverstein,

Deadliest pirate of the seven seas,

You can't be a pirate,

Of course I'm a pirate, I've
got a hat, a parrot and a hook,

What else should I be?
A management consultant?

OK, so you're a pirate,
- So I'm a pirate,

Wrong hand, stupid,
- What?

The hook was on the left hand,

Don't nag me now, I'm in
the middle of laying siege,

We were going to spend
the evening at home,

Not now,
- It's always the same,

Listen, what is that
you want exactly?

I'll tell ye, captain, I
be master of this ship now,

I told you, just wear an eye
patch, leave the hook at home,

But you wouldn't listen,
- Button your beak,

This is all ridiculous,
This is a spaceship,

What?

This is the Swinetrek, bound for
the other side of the universe,

You're supposed to be
on an ocean someplace,

See? I told you so,
- Shut up,

Oh, sure, Shut up,
shut up, Sure, yeah,

When you want somebody at home to
share a cracker with, that's different,

Just find somebody else to talk...

Excuse me,
- Sorry,

Sorry, OK?

Where be the crew of this
'ere tub now, captain?

They're asleep, If you want 'em, you can
call them on the intercom on the wall,

A pirate don't use an intercom!

T'would be sissy!

Don't be so fussy,
- All right,

This be no intercom!

This be a pay phone!

I know, It's a design
flaw that slipped by us,

Pigs! Where be me doubloon?

Look at those doubloons!
We were broke, you said,

That's why you didn't take me to dinner,
We had to capture a ship, you said,

Listen, will you just...?
- You used to take me out all the time,

We'll discuss it later,
- You don't love me any more,

Of course I love
you, I am working now,

And you're making a lousy job of it,

You wanna be an ex-parrot?

Wait a minute, Two can play
at that game, Take this,

Abandon spaceship!

This has never happened before,
- Man the bilge pumps!

Man the bilge pumps!
- Prepare the hollandaise!

Prepare the hollandaise!
- Deliver the punch line!

We already did that!

Pigs in Space!

Now that was hilarious,
- Yes, it was really funny,

Do you suppose they meant it to be?

Fozzie, what am I
gonna do with this arm?

Don't worry, Gonzo, I'll be
back later when they're dry,

So I says to the waiter, "Waiter,
there's a fly in my soup,"

And the waiter says, "Not so
loud, Everybody'll be wanting one,"

So I said to the waiter, "Waiter,
what's this fly doing in my soup?"

And the waiter said, "Looks
like the backstroke,"

So I says to the waiter, "Waiter,
there's a fly in my soup,"

And the waiter says, "What's the
matter? You ordered a mosquito?"

So I said to the waiter, "What's
this fly doing in my alphabet soup?"

And he said, "Standing
in for the apostrophe,"

My, what a tough
night I've had tonight,

Oh, yeah, Me too, The chef ran out
of flies halfway through dinner,

One, two, three, dip,

Very good, Kermie,
- Thank you, but it's just a song,

I don't have a wife,
- Not yet,

I don't intend to have one, either,

Are you ready?!
- Yes,

Will you take that silly pillow
out from under your dress?

I like it!

And now, a musicaI duet featuring Gonzo
the Great and my little nephew, Robin...

Uncle Kermit, Gonzo says he
can't sing with a long arm,

Shall we canceI?
- No, I'm doing it with Sweetums,

Sweetums?
- Just introduce us, OK?

Sweetums is nine feet
tall, Oh, well, whatever,

Here they are, the low and
the mighty, Robin and Sweetums,

Hey, Fozzie, what is red and
woolly and five feet long?

I don't know, Floyd, What is red
and woolly and five feet long?

A mitten for Gonzo the Great,

Oh, good, yes, just
what the world needs,

Humorous hip persons,

Mr Cleese, what am I gonna do?
- Which one are you?

The ugly, disgusting one
who catches cannonballs,

Yes,
- Look at me,

Yes, horrible, Still, I know a
plastic surgeon who can fix you up,

Give you a little Roman
number, something cute,

No, Mr Cleese, it's not
my nose, It's my arm,

Is it? Well, why is it in
the middle of your face?

Just forget about the nose, please,

I'll try, but I can't
promise anything,

What's wrong with this arm?
- It's about five feet long,

Isn't that enough?
- Look at the other one,

Yes, I think the
nose is the problem,

Look, all I want is both my
arms to be the same length again,

All right, Once when I was
in the Himalayas, Gonzo,

I met a wise old man who taught me
the ancient art of Dowchochingwa,

Were both his arms the same length?
- As what?

As each other?
- Well, some of them were, yes,

Now, lie down, please,

I want you to keep repeating
something over and over again,

You understand?
- Something, something, something...

Are you done?
- There we are, Gonzo,

Both your arms are the same length,

Oh, no, I wanted them both short,

What?
- Short!

Oh, picky, picky, picky!

Stand up, Are those your legs?

Yes,
- Right, sit,

Now, get your arms out
of the way, Oh, Gonzo,

There, Happy?
- No, I can't tie my shoes!

What?
- Shoes!

There, All right?
- Well...

What?! What?! What?! You
want me to do something else?!

No! I'm fine! Fine, no problem,

Good, Well, just pull
yourself together,

I wish I could,

This is Kermit the Frog talking
to you from the planet Koozebane,

where I'm about to interview one of
the most unusuaI of the Koozbanians,

the Koozebanian Spooble,

Hi there, Kermit,
Pleasure to be here,

You will note that the Spooble is
composed almost entirely of... liquid,

You betcha, Or as they say on
Koozebane, we Spoobles are all wet!

That's a big joke with us Spoobles,
- Check,

Listen, do you like my jar?
- Your jar?

It's the latest, See-through
sides, convertible top,

I'm not even wearing the cap,
- Yeah, It's very nice,

My wife said that for a TV interview
I should wear my crystaI vase,

But, you know, I
wanted to be casuaI,

Yeah, well, the jar is just swell,
- I'm glad it's not winter,

I hate wearing those
ugly Thermos bottles,

Right, OK, there you have it, folks,

Once again, it's been an
unusuaI and informative visit

with another creature from
another planet, and so...

Listen...

Well...

Well, there you have it, folks,
for the first time in history,

a Koozbanian has been
drunk on television,

What do you suppose
would happen to a Spooble

if you put him in a kettle
and turned the heat on?

He'd probably get steamed,

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here
is our very speciaI guest star

to sing, To Dream
the Impossible Dream.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr John Cleese!

Kermit, Kermit,

Could I speak to you, please?

Yeah, what is it, John?
- What's going on?

You just missed your cue, that's all,
- What?

That was an intro
and then you sing...

To dream the impossible dream

You know, like that,
- You can't be serious,

Yeah,
- Kermit, I don't do old show tunes,

Well, I'm sorry, That's our mistake,

I'm sorry, We just got
confused, We'll just... Curtains!

OK, well, here he is, our very
speciaI guest star, Mr John Cleese!

Right! Where's the frog?!

Where's the frog?! Shut up, Shut up!

Kill the music, Cut the music,
- We didn't finish yet,

No, and we're not going to,
- I didn't get to do my cadenza,

What is it, John?
- Kermit, this is mad,

The moment the curtain came down,
three monsters stuffed me into this,

Wagnerian opera?
- You'd have loved my cadenza,

I'd have hated your lousy cadenza,

What can I say, John? I'm
terribly sorry, It's all our fault,

We'll just take it again, Give
us one last chance, would you?

One,

OK, well, we had a
few false starts here,

but, OK, here he is now, ladies
and gentlemen, Mr John Cleese!

Right, I'm leaving,

Wait, John! What's the matter?

Kermit, I am not gonna do some
cloth-eared Mexican maracas solo!

It doesn't have to be a solo, John,

That does not help,
- Oh, no? Well, how about this?

Everybody, come on!

Kermit, there is no
way I'll do a song,

There is no way he'll do a song

Stop it at once,

We will stop this at once

This is not funny,
- Oh, we hope this is funny

Right! I'm leaving,

He's leaving

He came into our life
But now he's leaving

You are supposed to be my
host! How can you do this to me?

Kermit, I am your guest!

This is your guest

Bravo!

OK, that about wraps it up for
another one, but before we go,

we'd like to have a warm thank you to
our speciaI guest star, Mr John Cleese!

Thank you, Kermit, Well, it's been
really wonderfuI being on the show,

I hope you'll buy my new record album,
John Cleese; A Man and his Music.

OK, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!

Well, see you next time,
- Unless I get lucky and break a leg,