The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 24 - Cloris Leachman - full transcript

Cloris Leachman, Fifteen seconds
to curtain, Miss Leachman,

OK, Scooter, I'll be ready,
And thank you for this lunch,

I just hope he remembered that
I don't eat meat of any kind,

Oh, yeah!

And you'll be happy to
know that I am a vegetarian,

It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI
guest star, Miss Cloris Leachman!

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

Quit while you're ahead!



It's time to get things started

On the most sensational,
inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we
call The Muppet Show!

Thank you! And welcome
to The Muppet Show.

You're gonna love tonight's show,

Our guest is the star of television
and films, Miss Cloris Leachman!

But, first, let's get...

What are you guys doing?
- Pigs are taking over the show,

Yeah!
- You'll never get away with it!

Wanna bet?

We did it! We did it!

Hello! Kermit the Pig here,

Hey, welcome to The Muppet Show.



Let's open the festivities...
- What's going on here?

Where's my frog?
- We pigs have taken over the show,

Where's my frog?
What happened to him?

You're starring in the opening number,
- I don't care,

If you touch one
flipper of my frog...

I'm starring in the opening number?

Of course, You're the
biggest pig star we've got,

We'll talk about
what'shisname later,

And now, let's get the show
rolling with a little pig music!

You know, I didn't
know pigs could do that,

Be that talented?
- No, be that bad,

Move, move, little frog!
Move! Get in there! Go on!

Kermit, Kermit, Now, listen...

Oh, Kermit, Oh, I'm
so glad to see you,

It's been terrible, Kermit, do you know
that the pigs have taken over the show?

Where are we? Is this the boiler room?
- Yes, the boiler room,

Don't worry, We
will get out of here,

Of course we'll get out of here,
because I, the bear, have a plan,

I am going to tie some sheets together,
and we will slip out the window,

What window?

No window!

Kermit! Kermit!

We gotta bust outta here!

Kermit, Kermit, There's no telling
how long they could keep us here, Look,

What is that?
- I started a calendar,

Kermit, it's necessary, Believe me!

I don't know what we're gonna do!
- Fozzie, Fozzie, do not panic,

Listen, we'll use that telephone
there and call for help,

The telephone, Of course!

It's working! Here, Kermit,

This may take longer than I thought,

Here's our speciaI guest, Miss Cloris
Leachman, in a classic piece of...

I'm sorry, but I must stop you,
- Did I get your name wrong?

No, no, that's not it,
- You don't like the dress?

It's OK for the number I'm doing,
- You don't like the number?

No, it's OK for the
dress I'm wearing,

But it's a great number, You
and Sweetums'll be terrific,

My number with Sweetums
comes at the end of the show,

That's my mistake, Excuse me,
Sweetums, back to the dressing room,

Go on, back,

OK, cut, cut, That is not
Sweetums, and you are not Kermit,

Yes, I am,
- Oh, no,

I've seen The Muppet
Show many times,

and you don't look anything
like the Muppets that I've seen,

Maybe it's your television set,
- No, it is not the set,

You're green, and you've got that

darling, funny, pointy
collar Kermit used to wear,

But you're not Kermit,
- Oh, yes, I am,

All right, then, I'll spell it
out for you, You are a pig, P-I-G,

You are not a
frog, F-R-O-G,

But...
- No, no, no, You are not a frog,

Nothing you can say will ever convince
me that you are a frog, Nothing,

Kermit, it is you,

What?
- Nothing,

Finish the introductions, Kermit, It
must be the eyes, They must be going,

And now, once again, our speciaI
guest, Miss Cloris Leachman!

OK, Kermit, listen,
when the pig comes in,

I'll clobber him, and
then we run for our lives,

Here we go,

Get in that cell!
- Got ya!

Are you crazy? That really hurt,

Gonzo, I'm sorry, I
thought you were a pig,

Terrific, Terrific, First he
clobbers me, then he insults me,

Hey, Gonzo, what's
happening with the show?

It's going great, They've got this
new MC and the audience loves him,

Kermit the Pig,
- Kermit the Pig?

Easy, easy, Kermit, Don't
take it so personally,

And the new comedian,
Fozzie the Pig...

Boy, is he funny!

We gotta get outta here!

We will get out of here,
Look what I smuggled in,

A spoon?

Gonzo, we wanna escape, not eat!
- We will escape,

I'm gonna dig a tunneI with it,

I think we're gonna be here a while,

And now it's time for
everybody's favourite funny pig,

that great big lovable ham who's
really a boar, and proud of it,

Mr Fozzie Pig!

Hiya, hiya, hiya! I'm
really hot tonight,

I guess you could say
the fat's in the fire,

Speaking of fat, my wife is so fat
that when she brings home the bacon,

it takes three guys to
bring home the bacon,

Say, his new materiaI isn't bad,

Yes, but his new haircut is awfuI,

Rolling right along, folks, it's really
great to be here entertaining you,

but next year I'm
going back to schooI,

Yeah, you see, get this... You
see, I still got a lot to loin,

Get it? Pork? Loin?

Now I know it's the haircut,

Yeah, but, well, I
could do this all night,

Yeah, but my sauerkraut
is double-porked,

Get it? Double-porked? Porked,

Sauerkraut?
- Double-porked,

It's the worst,
- Worst,

The worst,
- The worst,

The worst,

Popper corn,

Corn...

Popcorn popper,

Popcorn,

And now, Vegetarian's HospitaI,

the story of a pig-headed
quack who's gone hog wild.

Here's your next case, doctor,

This is a dish of
fruits and vegetables,

It's all right, They
have group insurance,

Group insurance? They'd
better have grape insurance,

Here's a nice bunch,

What's the problem here?
- Well, the corn has a bad ear,

The potato has a bad eye,

And the eggplant...
- Yes?

The eggplant has a bad yolk,

Well, that makes two of you,

Well, let's start with the corn,
- You already have,

Oh, doctor, you really
know your vegetables,

Well, that's why they
pay me a big celery,

Celery!

And so, once again,
for the first time,

we come to the close of
Vegetarian's HospitaI,

Tune in next week when
you'll hear Dr Pig say...

And now, lettuce operate,
- Lettuce operate!

Here is a Muppet newsflash,

The eminent research scientist,
Dr Bunsen Honeypig, today announced

he had successfully converted
a sow's ear into a silk purse,

Dr Honeypig is now the object of
a massive civiI and criminaI suit

by the wife of a neighbourhood
artist, Mrs Vincent van Gogh Pig,

How's it going, guys?
- It's terrific,

Gonzo's digging and I'm going to
smuggle the dirt out in my hat,

Or not,

Kermie? Kermie, are you all right?

Well, yes, I guess so,

Kermie, I just want you to know that
I have had nothing to do, whatsoever,

with the taking over of this show,

I have ref... No, really,
I have refused to cooperate,

Yes, and, Kermie, I am
going to stay here with you,

You really... That's very
nice of you, Miss Piggy,

Kermie, my loyalty is
here... with my frog,

You really mean it?

Pigs in Space on next,

You have to canceI it,

I remain with my sweetheart, Kermie,
- Gee, Miss Piggy,

OK, we'll just get
someone to take your place,

Take my place?!
- If you wanna stay here with him,

Well...

Bye,

That's showbiz, paI,

And now, Pigs in Space!

Starring the quixotic,
Captain Link Hogthrob,

the vacuous first mate, Miss Piggy

and the somnambulistic
Dr Julius Strangepork.

As we left the Swinetrek last time,

it was under attack
from an alien thing.

Battle stations! Battle stations!

Condition red!
- Man the guns!

What is it, my captain?
- Are you hit, Link?

No, I've got a spot on my uniform,

There it is!
- Here it is, Right here by my epaulet,

There, And I just had
it cleaned on Tuesday,

Look, It's stopped shooting,
- Maybe it will sponge off,

What is it?
- I don't know,

I don't know, either, It appears
to be... I mean, it looks like...

It is! It's chopped liver!

No, I think it's ketchup,

No, no, not there, lardhead, There!

It is! It is!

It's chopped liver! Oh, not chopped
liver! Anything but chopped liver!

What's wrong with chopped liver?
- It gives me gas,

Try holding your breath and
counting to five or six hundred,

One, two, three, four...
- No, no, you twit!

Don't you understand?

That is the chopped-liver
monster from the galaxy Zabor,

It's hideous,

Hideous? For 1,69 a
pound, you want beautifuI?

Tune in, again, next time
for another digestive episode

of Pigs in Space!

Pigs may have taken over, but there's
one thing they haven't changed,

What's that?
- It's still not funny,

How's Gonzo doing?
- Pretty good, I guess,

I can't even see him any more,

Hey, Kermit, we're free!
- Really?

What happened?

Someone next door was
holding a hog-calling contest,

so they all heard it and ran off,

What a plot twist!

How amazing! How unbelievable!

How convenient, I'll get
on stage, You tell Gonzo,

Yes, sir,

Hey, Gonzo!

He's made a lot of
progress with that teaspoon,

I'm coming!

Well, things have been a
little bit strange here tonight,

but someone we can always depend on
is the wonderfuI Miss Cloris Leachman,

We take you now to a desert island,
where the coconuts and guest stars grow,

Oh, dear!

Oh, gracious, I thought
I'd never make it,

Pretty blonde lady!

Hello,

Pretty blonde lady make good fondue?

That depends,

Are you thinking of me
as the cook or the dish?

Well, you're quite a dish,
- That does it, I'm leaving,

Where nice lady come from?

Didn't you see that
shipwreck out there?

I caused that shipwreck out there,

I believe it, With breath like
that, you could sink an armada,

Oh, look, Water,

Oh, good, Sweetums thirsty,

I'm so thirsty,
- Tough luck, kid,

Look, up there! Quick!

Sweetums not fall for that old gag,

That does it! Sweetums and nice
lady not be friends after all!

Now, now, hold on, Wait a minute,

Hold on, Hold on!

Hold on, Just a moment,

Hey, someone call for help?

Oh, thank heavens,

Your timing is perfect,

No,

That's lovely, Only got one question,
- What's that?

Sweetums, is this
the cook or the dish?

Dish!

What? Help!

That's about all the time
we have, but before we go,

let us have a warm thank you
for our very speciaI guest star,

ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Cloris Leachman!

Thank you, Oh, Kermit,
I've had a wonderfuI time,

Good,
- Thank you so...

Freedom is mine!

What are you doing here, Kermit?
- Never mind, I'll tell you later,

Oh, boy, Kermit, It certainly has
been different around here tonight,

I don't know how to explain
to you about those pigs,

Where did those pigs come from?
- And where did they go?

Who would organise a
hog-calling contest?

It was amazing, It was bizarre,

It was easy,

Cloris, you did that for us?

Well, I'm from Iowa,

You must be a great hog-caller,

Piggy, piggy, piggy!

We'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!

That was weird,
- I'll tell the world,

Go ahead,
- That was weird,

Weird! Weird!
- Weird! Weird!