The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 22 - Teresa Brewer - full transcript
Teresa Brewer! Thirteen
seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer,
Everything all right?
Actually, I could use a hand,
You want a hand, you got it!
Anything else?
It's The Muppet Show with our speciaI
guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Can I see your ticket stub?
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational,
inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we
call The Muppet Show!
Sorry, Sorry!
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
Welcome again to The Muppet
Show, where anything can happen,
Unfortunately,
But on the bright side,
our speciaI guest star
is one of the great
names in popular music,
Here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer!
I can remember when cotton was king,
You can remember
when Arthur was king,
OK, You guys really
bailed out that number,
Very nice,
- Hey, Kermit?
Have you decided what to do about
Miss Piggy's ballet number next week?
Yeah, I'm afraid we're
gonna have to cut it,
But why?
Have you seen Miss Piggy recently?
She's getting a little bulgy,
You know, the pork no
longer fits in the barreI,
Yeah, her wiggles are
beginning to waddle a little,
Yeah, that's the way
the old pork rolls,
Hello, Kermie,
- Hi, Miss Piggy,
I have a wonderfuI
announcement to make,
I know it sounds silly,
but I am going on a diet,
A diet? What a wonderfuI idea,
- Yes,
How much weight do you plan to lose?
I don't know, Maybe five...
Ten!
Ten...
- Yeah,
Fifteen,
- Do I hear 20?
Twenty pounds,
- Sold,
For my new ballet number!
Do you think she overheard?
And now, Pigs In Space,
Starring the indomitable
Captain Link Hogthrob.
The flappable first
mate, Miss Piggy.
And the inexplicable Dr Strangepork.
As we left our heroes last time,
Captain Hogthrob had just
discovered the awful truth.
Yes, Captain,
Our oxygen is almost gone, fueI
supplies are down to nothing,
and the water is all used up,
Oh, Captain, my captain,
What shall we do?
Egad, we're out of
water, fueI and oxygen,
What could be worse?
Captain, we're out of swill!
Out of swill?
- Oh, not swill,
Wait a minute, I thought this was
a serious science fiction story,
Yes, but we've got 25 adult
pigs on this spaceship,
We can't survive without swill,
What do you suggest, Captain?
Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill,
Me?
I'm the first mate, I'm
supposed to give orders,
Fine, then give us
25 orders of swill,
And one side of coleslaw!
Besides, I am a gourmet cook,
Good, Then give us 25
orders of swill stroganoff,
All right, that does it,
I refuse to continue
this sketch, You hear me?
What sketch? This is the Swinetrek.
We're lost in endless space,
This is a cheap shot comedy sketch,
and I'll lay you odds
the frog wrote it,
Hi,
Hey, you guys, Kermit says
get on with the sketch,
Red alert, Emergency,
A hideous space creature
has boarded the ship!
Where?
- Hideous space creature,
we are doomed,
- Not without a fight, we're not,
Tune in next time
for the beginning of
Pigs In Space,
Wild thing! Wild thing! Wild thing!
I wonder where they took him,
Wherever it is, I bet
it's more fun than here,
Ladies and gentlemen, in a major
feat of death-defying intellectualism
never seen before,
the Great Gonzo will
recite Shakespeare
while suspended by his
nose from a feather boa
nine feet in the air,
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo!
The Merchant of Venice.
Act one, scene one,
Antonio speaks,
In sooth, I know
not why I am so sad,
It wearies me, you say...
Excuse me, Miss Brewer?
I was wondering if I
could ask your advice,
You know, woman to woman,
Why, sure, Miss Piggy,
Well, I have this friend
who is absolutely devastating,
Except she has an itty
bitty weight problem,
What makes you think I know
anything about being fat?
Miss Brewer, I've always known that
you were one of us skinny people,
I thought that maybe you
might have heard something
from one of your fat friends,
Well, maybe I can help,
I was about to have some lunch,
Would you care to join me?
You know...
Perhaps a nibble,
It's such a relief to meet
someone who isn't on a diet,
Yes, yes,
- They're such bores,
You know, all they ever talk about
is calories and exercise and lettuce,
Let's eat,
- Now you're talking,
Come in,
Oh, Miss Brewer, I thought
that number was so great,
that Cotton Fields thing,
It was just beautifuI,
Thank you, Kermit,
- Piggy?
You're supposed to be on a diet,
You weren't thinking of doing
anything with that cake there,
were you, fat stuff?
Not untiI now,
How about that? Frosted frog,
I lost 1 80 pounds of
ugly fat in just one week,
How'd you do that?
- I divorced my husband,
I went on a new diet last week,
I eat nothing but
carrots three times a day,
How's it working?
- Fine,
As far as I'm concerned,
being fat's all in your head,
I don't think it's all in your head,
And then she had the nerve to
tell me that I was overweight,
Can you believe that? Overweight?
Isn't that the most absurd
thing you ever heard?
Here's a little number now that
we dedicate to my favourite food,
And we call it Cheesecake.
One and two and...
Cheesecake, Oh, cheesecake!
I'm getting out of here
while the getting's good,
This is really amazing, Teresa,
You got the autograph of every big
star in show business in that book,
It's a hobby of mine, I
started when I was a kid,
I always get the autographs
of all the people I work with,
There's Bing Crosby,
You've got Bob Hope,
And Louie Armstrong,
Wait a second, Whose
autograph is that?
Crazy Harry,
Want another one?
No, it's all right,
I didn't know you were getting
autographs of us Muppets,
Of course, I think I've got just
about all of the Muppet's autographs,
Well, you haven't
gotten all of them,
You know, you're right, I'm
missing the most important one,
Well... Gee,
You know, the collection
would be worthless without it,
Yeah, well, I don't
know what to say,
Well, just tell me how
to get AnimaI's autograph,
AnimaI?
Autograph!
I love it!
Welcome again to Muppet Labs where
the future is being made today,
And it's breakthrough time
here at the labs again,
Well, here it is, the all-new
Muppets electric nose warmer,
Yes, how many times have you
been outdoors on a cold, nippy day
and gotten your nose cold?
"Wouldn't it be nice",
you thought to yourself,
"if I could warm it electrically",
Well, now you can,
as my assistant, Beaker,
will now demonstrate,
Come on in here, Beaker, We're
just going to slip... Come here,
We're just going to
slip this on your nose,
There you go, All the way up,
There,
And now with the nose warmer in place
we have only to turn on the electricity,
And there's Beaker with
a nice toasty warm nose,
You really should
stop smoking, Beaker,
It's very bad for your health,
Yeah, that was great,
Fantastic,
- Didn't like it,
What would you know, you old fooI?
Don't call me an old fooI,
I'll give you the eviI eye,
I'm scared, I'm scared!
I warned him,
Do the hop, Hop! Hop! Hop!
Hey, guys, No,
finish the song, guys,
Could you...? Never mind,
I am so hungry!
It's been 20 whole minutes
I've been on this diet,
Well, let's see, I hope I
haven't lost too much weight,
You are ravishing!
All right, it's weigh-in time,
All right, scale,
give me the good news,
Liar!
It's the old
girlswingmonster bit again,
They tried to sneak it past us,
Shoddy, Shoddy,
I think it's getting better,
I think you're getting senile,
Well, hi there, fatties,
and welcome to the Chub Club.
The only TV show where we
lose viewers by the ton.
Well, chubbies, ready
to lose a little lard?
Ready to lose a few tubes?
Let's start with a little exercise.
- All right,
OK, chin up, chest out, deep breath,
touching toes. One, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two
One, two, one, two...
- All right, take a hike,
Ready? Stop.
Next exercise, leg lifts.
Lie down on the floor on your back.
- Yeah, OK,
Lift legs high up in the air. Ready?
- Yeah,
Lift. Up, down.
- You've gotta be kidding,
Up!
Down.
Up.
I'm trying!
- Down.
Very good. Everybody on your feet.
Next exercise, running in place.
Yeah, OK,
- Here we go. Ready? Run.
One, two, one, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two, one, two...
Alrighty.
Can't you just feel
that fat falling away?
Ladies and gentlemen, once again our
speciaI guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer,
Hey, now we'll really
hear some music,
Yeah, want music,
- Put another nickeI in,
I put nickeI in, Want music,
Put another nickeI in,
I put nickeI in, Want music,
Just listen, fuzzy face,
Fuzzy face!
That's all the time and jokes
we have left for this show,
But before we go let's have a great
big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer!
Thank you,
And now, how about a nice
big hand for Kermit the Frog?
Thank you,
I deserved that,
OK, everybody, when the pig
exercises, everybody exercises,
Run in place, One, two, three...
OK, well, we'll see you all
next time on The Muppet Show!
Just keep going, One,
two, three, four...
Come on, keep exercising,
One, two, yes, yes, one,
two, one... Run in place!
Get out of here, squeak,
One, two, one, two...
Well, they did it again,
Yeah, whatever it was,
seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer,
Everything all right?
Actually, I could use a hand,
You want a hand, you got it!
Anything else?
It's The Muppet Show with our speciaI
guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Can I see your ticket stub?
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational,
inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we
call The Muppet Show!
Sorry, Sorry!
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
Welcome again to The Muppet
Show, where anything can happen,
Unfortunately,
But on the bright side,
our speciaI guest star
is one of the great
names in popular music,
Here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer!
I can remember when cotton was king,
You can remember
when Arthur was king,
OK, You guys really
bailed out that number,
Very nice,
- Hey, Kermit?
Have you decided what to do about
Miss Piggy's ballet number next week?
Yeah, I'm afraid we're
gonna have to cut it,
But why?
Have you seen Miss Piggy recently?
She's getting a little bulgy,
You know, the pork no
longer fits in the barreI,
Yeah, her wiggles are
beginning to waddle a little,
Yeah, that's the way
the old pork rolls,
Hello, Kermie,
- Hi, Miss Piggy,
I have a wonderfuI
announcement to make,
I know it sounds silly,
but I am going on a diet,
A diet? What a wonderfuI idea,
- Yes,
How much weight do you plan to lose?
I don't know, Maybe five...
Ten!
Ten...
- Yeah,
Fifteen,
- Do I hear 20?
Twenty pounds,
- Sold,
For my new ballet number!
Do you think she overheard?
And now, Pigs In Space,
Starring the indomitable
Captain Link Hogthrob.
The flappable first
mate, Miss Piggy.
And the inexplicable Dr Strangepork.
As we left our heroes last time,
Captain Hogthrob had just
discovered the awful truth.
Yes, Captain,
Our oxygen is almost gone, fueI
supplies are down to nothing,
and the water is all used up,
Oh, Captain, my captain,
What shall we do?
Egad, we're out of
water, fueI and oxygen,
What could be worse?
Captain, we're out of swill!
Out of swill?
- Oh, not swill,
Wait a minute, I thought this was
a serious science fiction story,
Yes, but we've got 25 adult
pigs on this spaceship,
We can't survive without swill,
What do you suggest, Captain?
Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill,
Me?
I'm the first mate, I'm
supposed to give orders,
Fine, then give us
25 orders of swill,
And one side of coleslaw!
Besides, I am a gourmet cook,
Good, Then give us 25
orders of swill stroganoff,
All right, that does it,
I refuse to continue
this sketch, You hear me?
What sketch? This is the Swinetrek.
We're lost in endless space,
This is a cheap shot comedy sketch,
and I'll lay you odds
the frog wrote it,
Hi,
Hey, you guys, Kermit says
get on with the sketch,
Red alert, Emergency,
A hideous space creature
has boarded the ship!
Where?
- Hideous space creature,
we are doomed,
- Not without a fight, we're not,
Tune in next time
for the beginning of
Pigs In Space,
Wild thing! Wild thing! Wild thing!
I wonder where they took him,
Wherever it is, I bet
it's more fun than here,
Ladies and gentlemen, in a major
feat of death-defying intellectualism
never seen before,
the Great Gonzo will
recite Shakespeare
while suspended by his
nose from a feather boa
nine feet in the air,
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo!
The Merchant of Venice.
Act one, scene one,
Antonio speaks,
In sooth, I know
not why I am so sad,
It wearies me, you say...
Excuse me, Miss Brewer?
I was wondering if I
could ask your advice,
You know, woman to woman,
Why, sure, Miss Piggy,
Well, I have this friend
who is absolutely devastating,
Except she has an itty
bitty weight problem,
What makes you think I know
anything about being fat?
Miss Brewer, I've always known that
you were one of us skinny people,
I thought that maybe you
might have heard something
from one of your fat friends,
Well, maybe I can help,
I was about to have some lunch,
Would you care to join me?
You know...
Perhaps a nibble,
It's such a relief to meet
someone who isn't on a diet,
Yes, yes,
- They're such bores,
You know, all they ever talk about
is calories and exercise and lettuce,
Let's eat,
- Now you're talking,
Come in,
Oh, Miss Brewer, I thought
that number was so great,
that Cotton Fields thing,
It was just beautifuI,
Thank you, Kermit,
- Piggy?
You're supposed to be on a diet,
You weren't thinking of doing
anything with that cake there,
were you, fat stuff?
Not untiI now,
How about that? Frosted frog,
I lost 1 80 pounds of
ugly fat in just one week,
How'd you do that?
- I divorced my husband,
I went on a new diet last week,
I eat nothing but
carrots three times a day,
How's it working?
- Fine,
As far as I'm concerned,
being fat's all in your head,
I don't think it's all in your head,
And then she had the nerve to
tell me that I was overweight,
Can you believe that? Overweight?
Isn't that the most absurd
thing you ever heard?
Here's a little number now that
we dedicate to my favourite food,
And we call it Cheesecake.
One and two and...
Cheesecake, Oh, cheesecake!
I'm getting out of here
while the getting's good,
This is really amazing, Teresa,
You got the autograph of every big
star in show business in that book,
It's a hobby of mine, I
started when I was a kid,
I always get the autographs
of all the people I work with,
There's Bing Crosby,
You've got Bob Hope,
And Louie Armstrong,
Wait a second, Whose
autograph is that?
Crazy Harry,
Want another one?
No, it's all right,
I didn't know you were getting
autographs of us Muppets,
Of course, I think I've got just
about all of the Muppet's autographs,
Well, you haven't
gotten all of them,
You know, you're right, I'm
missing the most important one,
Well... Gee,
You know, the collection
would be worthless without it,
Yeah, well, I don't
know what to say,
Well, just tell me how
to get AnimaI's autograph,
AnimaI?
Autograph!
I love it!
Welcome again to Muppet Labs where
the future is being made today,
And it's breakthrough time
here at the labs again,
Well, here it is, the all-new
Muppets electric nose warmer,
Yes, how many times have you
been outdoors on a cold, nippy day
and gotten your nose cold?
"Wouldn't it be nice",
you thought to yourself,
"if I could warm it electrically",
Well, now you can,
as my assistant, Beaker,
will now demonstrate,
Come on in here, Beaker, We're
just going to slip... Come here,
We're just going to
slip this on your nose,
There you go, All the way up,
There,
And now with the nose warmer in place
we have only to turn on the electricity,
And there's Beaker with
a nice toasty warm nose,
You really should
stop smoking, Beaker,
It's very bad for your health,
Yeah, that was great,
Fantastic,
- Didn't like it,
What would you know, you old fooI?
Don't call me an old fooI,
I'll give you the eviI eye,
I'm scared, I'm scared!
I warned him,
Do the hop, Hop! Hop! Hop!
Hey, guys, No,
finish the song, guys,
Could you...? Never mind,
I am so hungry!
It's been 20 whole minutes
I've been on this diet,
Well, let's see, I hope I
haven't lost too much weight,
You are ravishing!
All right, it's weigh-in time,
All right, scale,
give me the good news,
Liar!
It's the old
girlswingmonster bit again,
They tried to sneak it past us,
Shoddy, Shoddy,
I think it's getting better,
I think you're getting senile,
Well, hi there, fatties,
and welcome to the Chub Club.
The only TV show where we
lose viewers by the ton.
Well, chubbies, ready
to lose a little lard?
Ready to lose a few tubes?
Let's start with a little exercise.
- All right,
OK, chin up, chest out, deep breath,
touching toes. One, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two
One, two, one, two...
- All right, take a hike,
Ready? Stop.
Next exercise, leg lifts.
Lie down on the floor on your back.
- Yeah, OK,
Lift legs high up in the air. Ready?
- Yeah,
Lift. Up, down.
- You've gotta be kidding,
Up!
Down.
Up.
I'm trying!
- Down.
Very good. Everybody on your feet.
Next exercise, running in place.
Yeah, OK,
- Here we go. Ready? Run.
One, two, one, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two, one, two...
Alrighty.
Can't you just feel
that fat falling away?
Ladies and gentlemen, once again our
speciaI guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer,
Hey, now we'll really
hear some music,
Yeah, want music,
- Put another nickeI in,
I put nickeI in, Want music,
Put another nickeI in,
I put nickeI in, Want music,
Just listen, fuzzy face,
Fuzzy face!
That's all the time and jokes
we have left for this show,
But before we go let's have a great
big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer!
Thank you,
And now, how about a nice
big hand for Kermit the Frog?
Thank you,
I deserved that,
OK, everybody, when the pig
exercises, everybody exercises,
Run in place, One, two, three...
OK, well, we'll see you all
next time on The Muppet Show!
Just keep going, One,
two, three, four...
Come on, keep exercising,
One, two, yes, yes, one,
two, one... Run in place!
Get out of here, squeak,
One, two, one, two...
Well, they did it again,
Yeah, whatever it was,