The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 21 - Bob Hope - full transcript
The Muppets find they have accommodate Bob Hope's hectic volunteer schedule.
Bob Hope! Fifteen seconds
to curtain, Mr Hope,
Oh, thank you, Scooter,
You know, Bob, I think you're an
incredibly talented human being,
I mean, you're a comic genius,
Thank you, Gonzo, I
love doing this show,
Yeah, If your nose weren't so small
you'd probably be a big star like me,
I hate doing this show,
It's The Muppet Show with our
speciaI guest star, Mr Bob Hope,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Why us?
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational,
inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you and welcome
to The Muppet Show.
Hey, we are lucky because do
you know who our guest star is?
Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?
Who, frog, who? Who? Who? Who?
Our guest star is Bob Hope!
Bob Hope!
Yeah!
- Bob Hope! Bob Hope!
Bob Hope! Bob Hope! Who Hope?
Will you stop bugging me?
Go do something to calm down,
Go find a hobby or something,
Hobby!
Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby!
- Hobby,
Hobby! Hobby!
- WonderfuI,
OK, Where were we now?
Hobby! Hobby!
Hobby! Hobby!
- Yes, we were at the opening number,
The opening number, here it is,
ladies and gentlemen, Calypso time!
What?
I like the steeI drums,
What?
- The pigs' steeI drums,
I believe it, They'd take
anything that's not nailed down,
Hey, pigs, yeah, Whatever,
Yes, yes!
Oh, Kermit, Kermit, listen,
I just stopped by Bob Hope's
dressing room and you know what?
He was not there,
Yeah, I know, He's across
town doing another show,
He... He hasn't even done this show!
Well, he promised he'd be
back, He's doing a benefit,
He's doing a disappearing act,
Look, Fozzie, Bob Hope is the
busiest man in show business,
He's a humanitarian, He
does benefits all the time,
He'll be back,
Yeah, AnimaI, go
get 'em! Go get 'em!
Hey, look out there!
- What's going on?
Hey, Kermit, Remember you told
AnimaI he should take up a hobby
to calm his nerves?
What kind of hobby did he take up?
- Alligator wrestling,
Yeah, get him, baby!
Nice try,
Yeah, come on, AnimaI, Open it,
Hey!
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for me to introduce
a man whose reputation is so great
that I don't know how to
make a suitable introduction,
A long one would be suitable,
What?
- He's not here yet,
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
There's really no need
to go into Bob Hope's past triumphs
in film, radio and television,
But we may have to,
Kermit!
- Fozzie, is he here yet?
No, I'm just going out to lunch,
Can I get... Can I get you anything?
Bob Hope!
- No,
Sorry, you have to settle
for pastrami on rye,
Oh, he's here!
He's here!
- Oh, yeah?
Bob! Ladies and
gentlemen, Mr Bob Hope!
Thank you,
Thank you, Thank you, Kermit,
It's been a ball doing the show,
Maybe we can do it again sometime,
Good night,
- Wait a minute!
You can't go now, You just got here,
I'm sorry, Kermit, I'm
on a very tight schedule,
But you didn't even say, "This is Bob
'happy to be on The Muppet Show' Hope",
I know, but I...
Not even one, "What
I want to tell ya... "
I'm sorry,
- Or even, "Seriously, folks",
Wait a minute, You
just did my whole act,
Yeah, but with no jokes,
- That's my act,
Kermit, I have to do a
testimoniaI, but I'll be back,
It'll be too late,
No, it won't, I'm taking the
Concord, How long can that take?
If we land,
- I know, but...
Kermit, I'm sorry, but I've already
cancelled one benefit to be here,
You did?
- Yes, For the Flying Zucchini Brothers,
You ever hear of them?
- Yeah, I have,
Tell them I'm sorry
if you ever see them,
I don't plan to, They were terrible,
Excuse me, Mr Hope,
Kermit, did you book
the human cannonball act,
the Flying Zucchini Brothers?
- Of course not,
Well, they're here,
Call the embassy! Call the police!
Call Angie Dickinson, Call Columbo!
Well, Bob Hope is gone,
- I'm not surprised,
It's what I've always
said about this show,
"There's no hope,"
Would you repeat that?
Of course not, I'm sorry I
said it in the first place,
I should hope so,
There's one there!
Someone shoot it,
- Hey!
Tear it up!
Hey, what did you get?
Oh, I shot me a motorsickle,
I got me a tractor,
I wounded me the biggest
cement truck you ever saw,
Here is a Muppet news flash,
Today is the opening day
of the fishing season,
OK, Moving right along now...
- Excuse me, Kermit?
That human cannonball
act just called,
They're gonna send Bob Hope back,
When's he gonna get here?
- Soon,
They're sending him by cannon,
Hi, Bob,
Eat your heart out, Concord,
How did you like the trip?
I love travelling by cannonball,
After all, I'm a
high-calibre performer,
Yeah, well, you really
made a hit on our stage,
I know, but I think the
carpenters can fix it,
Don't worry about it, It's
great to have you back with us,
Now we can sit and listen to one of
those wonderfuI Bob Hope monologues,
Are you kidding? I'm already
late for my next benefit,
The Japanese Pole
Vaulters Retirement Fund,
The Japanese Pole
Vaulters Retirement Fund?
Then you're going away again?
- No, I invited them here!
It's a pleasure to be with all
of you pole vaulters tonight,
These guys must go over more
bars than Dean Martin's elbow,
Come on to my dressing room, huh?
Well, there goes our guest star,
There goes everybody's guest star,
Here is a Muppet news flash,
This is the opening night
of the opera season...
Rowlf, the show's running long,
Make it as short as you can,
Dr Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,
where the future is being made
today, Here is my assistant, Beaker,
to demonstrate the Muppets'
all-new automatic wastebasket,
Yes, audience, this should end your
trash disposaI problems forever,
Whatever the refuse, this
little doozy can handle it,
Show them, Beaker, my lad,
Thank you, More, please,
Let's see another example, Beaker,
More! More!
Imagine never having to
empty a wastebasket again,
More! More, more!
- Order your wastebasket today,
It comes in both regular
or housebroken models,
Want more! Want more,
Do try to keep him
quiet, Beaker, please,
More, more!
- Just send us $22,95
and we'll send you
a Muppet wastebasket,
Or send us $32,95 and we won't!
It's the most consistent
show I've seen,
Yes, they get worse
every single week,
OK, well, moving right
along now, folks...
Hi, Kermit,
- Bob, what are you doing here?
Well, I'm ready,
- For what?
My monologue, I just finished the
last of my benefit performances
and the rest of the day is all yours,
- Well... Gee...
...we don't have time
for your monologue now,
What? Well, why not?
Well, Gonzo the Great is on next,
He's gonna do his
impersonations of bread,
I've seen Gonzo's
impersonations of bread,
He's backstage now, loafing around,
That's very good, but
I can't disappoint him,
He's been practicing his
pumpernickeI for weeks,
But he's left crumbs
all over the backstage,
Yeah, I met some of them,
Sorry about that,
But, if you want, you could do
the cowboy sketch at the end,
The cowboy sketch? Is it good?
Is it good? The cowboy sketch is
terrific, I was gonna do it myself,
but it's yours,
- That's great,
The cowboy sketch sounds
better than a monologue,
Kermit, Kermit! CanceI my
bread impersonations act,
Why? What happened?
- They didn't deliver my poppy seeds,
You wouldn't want me to work
out there naked, would you?
Why not? You've got
the crust for it,
Well, listen, Kermit,
Just because my bread
impersonations are cancelled,
don't think that you can talk me into
doing that lousy cowboy sketch, OK?
You know how it feels
to be conned by a frog?
Do you?
AnimaI's still not
alligator wrestling, is he?
Oh, no, man, He gave that up,
Said it was too easy,
Yeah, he's taken up bowling now,
Oh, well, that's much better,
Much better and much safer,
I don't know, man,
AnimaI bowls overhand,
What's that?
Strike!
Growing up down on the lily pad,
I never thought I'd be standing
on a stage introducing Bob Hope,
But by the same token, I bet he never
thought he'd be introduced by a frog,
But here he is now, in
the famous cowboy sketch,
I'll get you for this, frog,
Just get on the horse,
Bob, It'll be great,
Here he is in that very
famous cowboy sketch,
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bob Hope!
Well, here I am, out in the
wide open spaces at last,
Alone with the sagebrush
and the silence,
Hey, Hope, what do you
say we stop for a beer?
My luck, I'm stuck
with a talking horse,
What's the matter? You don't
like the little conversation?
Not with some two-bit horse,
I'm not a two-bit horse,
Oh, yeah? You bit me twice,
Yeah, well, you deserved it,
Your spurs are as cold as ice,
Why don't you lose some weight?
Now I know why they call them nags,
Are you ready to do the song?
- Sure, why not?
But wait, We're in the desert,
Where's the music coming from?
Oh, there's a tape
deck in the saddle,
Stereophonic horse,
Say, Hope, what are you doing out
here? You're not a reaI cowboy,
Are you kidding? I've
got a big spread in Texas,
Yeah, Got one south
of the border, too,
Oh, a fat joke?
Yeah, I suppose now you'll
get even with a swayback joke,
Well, that last joke
goes "swayback",
I can't take this much
longer, When's this song end?
We got eight bars to go,
Well, I hope one of
them has a lunch counter,
A funny horse! I bet
on them all the time,
OK, Well, we could go on forever,
But we'll give you a break
and bring this episode of
The Muppet Show to a close,
But before we do, let's
have a warm thank you
for our very speciaI guest star,
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bob Hope!
Hey, thank you very
much, Thank you, Kermit,
Thank you, Taxi!
- Hey, wait!
What was that?
AnimaI's got a new hobby,
He's taken up hunting,
Hunting!
Bunny rabbit! Bunny rabbit!
This isn't happening, This
is just a hangover, I know it,
It'll be better in the morning,
- Bunny rabbit!
We'll see you next time, if
there is one, on The Muppet Show!
Hey, doesn't Hope usually
sing Thanks For the Memories?
Why would he want to remember this?
to curtain, Mr Hope,
Oh, thank you, Scooter,
You know, Bob, I think you're an
incredibly talented human being,
I mean, you're a comic genius,
Thank you, Gonzo, I
love doing this show,
Yeah, If your nose weren't so small
you'd probably be a big star like me,
I hate doing this show,
It's The Muppet Show with our
speciaI guest star, Mr Bob Hope,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Why us?
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational,
inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you and welcome
to The Muppet Show.
Hey, we are lucky because do
you know who our guest star is?
Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?
Who, frog, who? Who? Who? Who?
Our guest star is Bob Hope!
Bob Hope!
Yeah!
- Bob Hope! Bob Hope!
Bob Hope! Bob Hope! Who Hope?
Will you stop bugging me?
Go do something to calm down,
Go find a hobby or something,
Hobby!
Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby!
- Hobby,
Hobby! Hobby!
- WonderfuI,
OK, Where were we now?
Hobby! Hobby!
Hobby! Hobby!
- Yes, we were at the opening number,
The opening number, here it is,
ladies and gentlemen, Calypso time!
What?
I like the steeI drums,
What?
- The pigs' steeI drums,
I believe it, They'd take
anything that's not nailed down,
Hey, pigs, yeah, Whatever,
Yes, yes!
Oh, Kermit, Kermit, listen,
I just stopped by Bob Hope's
dressing room and you know what?
He was not there,
Yeah, I know, He's across
town doing another show,
He... He hasn't even done this show!
Well, he promised he'd be
back, He's doing a benefit,
He's doing a disappearing act,
Look, Fozzie, Bob Hope is the
busiest man in show business,
He's a humanitarian, He
does benefits all the time,
He'll be back,
Yeah, AnimaI, go
get 'em! Go get 'em!
Hey, look out there!
- What's going on?
Hey, Kermit, Remember you told
AnimaI he should take up a hobby
to calm his nerves?
What kind of hobby did he take up?
- Alligator wrestling,
Yeah, get him, baby!
Nice try,
Yeah, come on, AnimaI, Open it,
Hey!
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for me to introduce
a man whose reputation is so great
that I don't know how to
make a suitable introduction,
A long one would be suitable,
What?
- He's not here yet,
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
There's really no need
to go into Bob Hope's past triumphs
in film, radio and television,
But we may have to,
Kermit!
- Fozzie, is he here yet?
No, I'm just going out to lunch,
Can I get... Can I get you anything?
Bob Hope!
- No,
Sorry, you have to settle
for pastrami on rye,
Oh, he's here!
He's here!
- Oh, yeah?
Bob! Ladies and
gentlemen, Mr Bob Hope!
Thank you,
Thank you, Thank you, Kermit,
It's been a ball doing the show,
Maybe we can do it again sometime,
Good night,
- Wait a minute!
You can't go now, You just got here,
I'm sorry, Kermit, I'm
on a very tight schedule,
But you didn't even say, "This is Bob
'happy to be on The Muppet Show' Hope",
I know, but I...
Not even one, "What
I want to tell ya... "
I'm sorry,
- Or even, "Seriously, folks",
Wait a minute, You
just did my whole act,
Yeah, but with no jokes,
- That's my act,
Kermit, I have to do a
testimoniaI, but I'll be back,
It'll be too late,
No, it won't, I'm taking the
Concord, How long can that take?
If we land,
- I know, but...
Kermit, I'm sorry, but I've already
cancelled one benefit to be here,
You did?
- Yes, For the Flying Zucchini Brothers,
You ever hear of them?
- Yeah, I have,
Tell them I'm sorry
if you ever see them,
I don't plan to, They were terrible,
Excuse me, Mr Hope,
Kermit, did you book
the human cannonball act,
the Flying Zucchini Brothers?
- Of course not,
Well, they're here,
Call the embassy! Call the police!
Call Angie Dickinson, Call Columbo!
Well, Bob Hope is gone,
- I'm not surprised,
It's what I've always
said about this show,
"There's no hope,"
Would you repeat that?
Of course not, I'm sorry I
said it in the first place,
I should hope so,
There's one there!
Someone shoot it,
- Hey!
Tear it up!
Hey, what did you get?
Oh, I shot me a motorsickle,
I got me a tractor,
I wounded me the biggest
cement truck you ever saw,
Here is a Muppet news flash,
Today is the opening day
of the fishing season,
OK, Moving right along now...
- Excuse me, Kermit?
That human cannonball
act just called,
They're gonna send Bob Hope back,
When's he gonna get here?
- Soon,
They're sending him by cannon,
Hi, Bob,
Eat your heart out, Concord,
How did you like the trip?
I love travelling by cannonball,
After all, I'm a
high-calibre performer,
Yeah, well, you really
made a hit on our stage,
I know, but I think the
carpenters can fix it,
Don't worry about it, It's
great to have you back with us,
Now we can sit and listen to one of
those wonderfuI Bob Hope monologues,
Are you kidding? I'm already
late for my next benefit,
The Japanese Pole
Vaulters Retirement Fund,
The Japanese Pole
Vaulters Retirement Fund?
Then you're going away again?
- No, I invited them here!
It's a pleasure to be with all
of you pole vaulters tonight,
These guys must go over more
bars than Dean Martin's elbow,
Come on to my dressing room, huh?
Well, there goes our guest star,
There goes everybody's guest star,
Here is a Muppet news flash,
This is the opening night
of the opera season...
Rowlf, the show's running long,
Make it as short as you can,
Dr Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,
where the future is being made
today, Here is my assistant, Beaker,
to demonstrate the Muppets'
all-new automatic wastebasket,
Yes, audience, this should end your
trash disposaI problems forever,
Whatever the refuse, this
little doozy can handle it,
Show them, Beaker, my lad,
Thank you, More, please,
Let's see another example, Beaker,
More! More!
Imagine never having to
empty a wastebasket again,
More! More, more!
- Order your wastebasket today,
It comes in both regular
or housebroken models,
Want more! Want more,
Do try to keep him
quiet, Beaker, please,
More, more!
- Just send us $22,95
and we'll send you
a Muppet wastebasket,
Or send us $32,95 and we won't!
It's the most consistent
show I've seen,
Yes, they get worse
every single week,
OK, well, moving right
along now, folks...
Hi, Kermit,
- Bob, what are you doing here?
Well, I'm ready,
- For what?
My monologue, I just finished the
last of my benefit performances
and the rest of the day is all yours,
- Well... Gee...
...we don't have time
for your monologue now,
What? Well, why not?
Well, Gonzo the Great is on next,
He's gonna do his
impersonations of bread,
I've seen Gonzo's
impersonations of bread,
He's backstage now, loafing around,
That's very good, but
I can't disappoint him,
He's been practicing his
pumpernickeI for weeks,
But he's left crumbs
all over the backstage,
Yeah, I met some of them,
Sorry about that,
But, if you want, you could do
the cowboy sketch at the end,
The cowboy sketch? Is it good?
Is it good? The cowboy sketch is
terrific, I was gonna do it myself,
but it's yours,
- That's great,
The cowboy sketch sounds
better than a monologue,
Kermit, Kermit! CanceI my
bread impersonations act,
Why? What happened?
- They didn't deliver my poppy seeds,
You wouldn't want me to work
out there naked, would you?
Why not? You've got
the crust for it,
Well, listen, Kermit,
Just because my bread
impersonations are cancelled,
don't think that you can talk me into
doing that lousy cowboy sketch, OK?
You know how it feels
to be conned by a frog?
Do you?
AnimaI's still not
alligator wrestling, is he?
Oh, no, man, He gave that up,
Said it was too easy,
Yeah, he's taken up bowling now,
Oh, well, that's much better,
Much better and much safer,
I don't know, man,
AnimaI bowls overhand,
What's that?
Strike!
Growing up down on the lily pad,
I never thought I'd be standing
on a stage introducing Bob Hope,
But by the same token, I bet he never
thought he'd be introduced by a frog,
But here he is now, in
the famous cowboy sketch,
I'll get you for this, frog,
Just get on the horse,
Bob, It'll be great,
Here he is in that very
famous cowboy sketch,
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bob Hope!
Well, here I am, out in the
wide open spaces at last,
Alone with the sagebrush
and the silence,
Hey, Hope, what do you
say we stop for a beer?
My luck, I'm stuck
with a talking horse,
What's the matter? You don't
like the little conversation?
Not with some two-bit horse,
I'm not a two-bit horse,
Oh, yeah? You bit me twice,
Yeah, well, you deserved it,
Your spurs are as cold as ice,
Why don't you lose some weight?
Now I know why they call them nags,
Are you ready to do the song?
- Sure, why not?
But wait, We're in the desert,
Where's the music coming from?
Oh, there's a tape
deck in the saddle,
Stereophonic horse,
Say, Hope, what are you doing out
here? You're not a reaI cowboy,
Are you kidding? I've
got a big spread in Texas,
Yeah, Got one south
of the border, too,
Oh, a fat joke?
Yeah, I suppose now you'll
get even with a swayback joke,
Well, that last joke
goes "swayback",
I can't take this much
longer, When's this song end?
We got eight bars to go,
Well, I hope one of
them has a lunch counter,
A funny horse! I bet
on them all the time,
OK, Well, we could go on forever,
But we'll give you a break
and bring this episode of
The Muppet Show to a close,
But before we do, let's
have a warm thank you
for our very speciaI guest star,
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bob Hope!
Hey, thank you very
much, Thank you, Kermit,
Thank you, Taxi!
- Hey, wait!
What was that?
AnimaI's got a new hobby,
He's taken up hunting,
Hunting!
Bunny rabbit! Bunny rabbit!
This isn't happening, This
is just a hangover, I know it,
It'll be better in the morning,
- Bunny rabbit!
We'll see you next time, if
there is one, on The Muppet Show!
Hey, doesn't Hope usually
sing Thanks For the Memories?
Why would he want to remember this?