The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 20 - Petula Clark - full transcript
A mix-up results in a moose who sounds like John Wayne hanging around backstage.
Petula Clark! Twenty seconds
to curtain, Miss Clark,
Right, Scooter, I hate to complain,
but there's a moose
in my dressing room,
Yeah, that's a mistake,
- Well, I should hope so,
You're supposed to get the buffalo,
It's The Muppet Show, with our
speciaI guest star, Miss Petula Clark!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Well, it's downhill from here,
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational,
inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we
call The Muppet Show!
Thank you and welcome
again to The Muppet Show.
Our speciaI guest tonight
is one of the truly great internationaI
singing stars, Miss Petula Clark,
But first we...
What is this, a moose?
I was supposed to be a buffalo,
Just leave, OK?
All right, I'll be backstage
reading the "moose-paper",
Would you get off that
stage? Off, off, off!
Here, Catch!
Waste of time, Nothing
will save this show,
Well, it wasn't my fault,
OK, nicely sung, guys,
Badly sailed, but nicely sung,
Haven't you men heard the old
saying, "Women and captains first"?
Yeah, OK,
Let's see, Pet Clark
is standing by, so...
Hiya, frog,
- Yes, hello again, moose,
Do you mind if I hang
out backstage here awhile?
Well, I've got every other
kind of animaI, Why not a moose?
You got true grit, frog,
Yeah, By the way, what is your name?
Mickey,
- How about that? Mickey Moose,
Mickey Moose! Will you
get out of my backstage?
Mickey Moose, Dumb name,
OK, well, anyhow,
now here she is, our
very speciaI guest,
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Petula Clark,
Hi, Petula,
We're doing the samba,
I'm trying to samba,
Oh, boy,
- Yeah,
Well, that song
brings back memories,
What memories?
I forgot,
OK, Good going, guys, I didn't
understand it, but I loved it,
Hello, Kermit,
- Hi, there, Pet,
I hear you're not too happy tonight,
- Where'd you get that idea?
I gather you're not thrilled
about the moose, Mickey,
The moose? Oh, listen, that's silly,
I'm not bothered by that at all,
Really?
- No,
Oh, terrific,
Hit it, guys, -
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-O...
Will you guys cut that out!
I'd like to take you home to mother,
Really, Harold?
Yeah, maybe she could
teach you how to dance,
Oh, wow, I really like
being in your arms,
Yeah, me too,
Why is your mother
trying to keep us apart?
I don't know, I'll ask her,
Mother, why are you
trying to keep us apart?
I think my nose is too large,
Oh, Phyllis, you're blowing
it all out of proportion,
I know that,
Ladies and gentlemen,
Switzerland has given us
watches, chocolate and silliness,
We take you now to the
Alps for the latter,
We're getting better,
Yeah, it's beautifuI, You really
can play that piano, Rowlf,
What's your secret?
- No secret,
I just practice a lot,
Well, so much for the "practice
makes perfect" theory,
And what is this doing in there?
That's the piano tuna!
It should be OK now,
Hey, nice job, fish,
I'll pay you tomorrow,
I don't believe it, You pay a fish?
Yeah, but not much,
He works for scale,
I think we'd better
do our number, Rowlf,
That Petula Clark
sure can carry a tune,
She's gotta do better than that tonight,
She's gotta carry the whole show,
Hi,
Hello, yourself,
Remember me? Mickey Moose?
How can I forget?
You don't have to
get touchy about it,
Excuse me, Perchance have you
seen a Mickey Moose around?
Who wants to know?
Ronald, Ronald Duck,
Ronald Duck and Mickey Moose?
Would you guys get out
of here? Come on, out!
It's a far, far better moose
and duck you find before you,
And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,
The continuing story of a
quack who's gone to the dogs.
Hey, nurse, how's this next patient?
Not groovy, Dr Bob,
You better hurry, though,
He's slipping fast,
Maybe he's got slipping sickness,
No, no, he must have something else,
He better have,
Money, for one thing,
You mean, you won't
operate till you're paid?
Right, I don't make a
cut till I take my cut,
Dr Bob, the patient is sinking fast,
He is sinking, I don't understand it,
- Quick, Dr Bob,
Quick what?
- Quicksand,
I don't understand that either,
Hey, I can't see a thing down here,
Hand me a hypodermic needle,
- What for?
Just a shot in the dark,
Dr Bob!
- Oh, no!
Dr Bob?
- Dr Bob!
Dr Bob, are you all right?
- Is he all right?
Oh, Miss Piggy!
Oh, wow, Oh, wow! What a downer,
So, once again we come to the
end of Veterinarian's HospitaI,
Tune in next week when
you'll hear Dr Bob say...
At least I won't have to
declare this on my income tax,
Why not?
- I got paid under the table,
I wish they had done
that differently,
How would you want them to do it?
- Better,
...chocolate mousse,
...chocolate...
Yum, yum, yum! Chocolate...
Good, good chocolate,
Now, the mousse,
Moose, moose, Come here, the moose!
And the chocolate on the moose,
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
You cannot... Stop, Curtain, Cut!
Hey, Petula?
- Yes?
Have you seen the set
for your closing number?
No Scooter, I haven't, What's it like?
- Oh, it's sensationaI,
Yeah, It's a fountain with reaI water!
- Wow,
And it's 1 5 feet high,
And it's made of reaI glass,
Glass?
- Yeah, It's the prettiest thing...
Hey, would you get
that moose out of here?
Look out!
CanceI the fountain,
Miss Clark, there's been
a little bit of trouble,
Yes, I know, Well,
look, it doesn't matter,
We can do without the fountain, That
lovely spray of flowers will be perfect,
Well, about those flowers...
Yes?
- The moose ate them,
It doesn't matter, We
don't need that fancy decor,
It's the kind of song that
will work anywhere, It'll be OK,
It will, Really?
- Yeah,
OK, that's just about
the end of the show,
But before we go, let us have a warm
thank you for our speciaI guest star,
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Petula Clark!
Thank you!
Thank you, Thank you, I
had a fabulous time, Kermit,
Oh, good,
- I loved all the acts,
I think the Muppets are fabulous
and I'm crazy about the moose,
Now, that's my kind of woman,
OK, we'll see you next time on
The Mickey... The Muppet Show!
All right, frog,
we watched the show!
Yeah, Unlock the doors,
to curtain, Miss Clark,
Right, Scooter, I hate to complain,
but there's a moose
in my dressing room,
Yeah, that's a mistake,
- Well, I should hope so,
You're supposed to get the buffalo,
It's The Muppet Show, with our
speciaI guest star, Miss Petula Clark!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Well, it's downhill from here,
It's time to get things started
On the most sensational,
inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we
call The Muppet Show!
Thank you and welcome
again to The Muppet Show.
Our speciaI guest tonight
is one of the truly great internationaI
singing stars, Miss Petula Clark,
But first we...
What is this, a moose?
I was supposed to be a buffalo,
Just leave, OK?
All right, I'll be backstage
reading the "moose-paper",
Would you get off that
stage? Off, off, off!
Here, Catch!
Waste of time, Nothing
will save this show,
Well, it wasn't my fault,
OK, nicely sung, guys,
Badly sailed, but nicely sung,
Haven't you men heard the old
saying, "Women and captains first"?
Yeah, OK,
Let's see, Pet Clark
is standing by, so...
Hiya, frog,
- Yes, hello again, moose,
Do you mind if I hang
out backstage here awhile?
Well, I've got every other
kind of animaI, Why not a moose?
You got true grit, frog,
Yeah, By the way, what is your name?
Mickey,
- How about that? Mickey Moose,
Mickey Moose! Will you
get out of my backstage?
Mickey Moose, Dumb name,
OK, well, anyhow,
now here she is, our
very speciaI guest,
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Petula Clark,
Hi, Petula,
We're doing the samba,
I'm trying to samba,
Oh, boy,
- Yeah,
Well, that song
brings back memories,
What memories?
I forgot,
OK, Good going, guys, I didn't
understand it, but I loved it,
Hello, Kermit,
- Hi, there, Pet,
I hear you're not too happy tonight,
- Where'd you get that idea?
I gather you're not thrilled
about the moose, Mickey,
The moose? Oh, listen, that's silly,
I'm not bothered by that at all,
Really?
- No,
Oh, terrific,
Hit it, guys, -
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-O...
Will you guys cut that out!
I'd like to take you home to mother,
Really, Harold?
Yeah, maybe she could
teach you how to dance,
Oh, wow, I really like
being in your arms,
Yeah, me too,
Why is your mother
trying to keep us apart?
I don't know, I'll ask her,
Mother, why are you
trying to keep us apart?
I think my nose is too large,
Oh, Phyllis, you're blowing
it all out of proportion,
I know that,
Ladies and gentlemen,
Switzerland has given us
watches, chocolate and silliness,
We take you now to the
Alps for the latter,
We're getting better,
Yeah, it's beautifuI, You really
can play that piano, Rowlf,
What's your secret?
- No secret,
I just practice a lot,
Well, so much for the "practice
makes perfect" theory,
And what is this doing in there?
That's the piano tuna!
It should be OK now,
Hey, nice job, fish,
I'll pay you tomorrow,
I don't believe it, You pay a fish?
Yeah, but not much,
He works for scale,
I think we'd better
do our number, Rowlf,
That Petula Clark
sure can carry a tune,
She's gotta do better than that tonight,
She's gotta carry the whole show,
Hi,
Hello, yourself,
Remember me? Mickey Moose?
How can I forget?
You don't have to
get touchy about it,
Excuse me, Perchance have you
seen a Mickey Moose around?
Who wants to know?
Ronald, Ronald Duck,
Ronald Duck and Mickey Moose?
Would you guys get out
of here? Come on, out!
It's a far, far better moose
and duck you find before you,
And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,
The continuing story of a
quack who's gone to the dogs.
Hey, nurse, how's this next patient?
Not groovy, Dr Bob,
You better hurry, though,
He's slipping fast,
Maybe he's got slipping sickness,
No, no, he must have something else,
He better have,
Money, for one thing,
You mean, you won't
operate till you're paid?
Right, I don't make a
cut till I take my cut,
Dr Bob, the patient is sinking fast,
He is sinking, I don't understand it,
- Quick, Dr Bob,
Quick what?
- Quicksand,
I don't understand that either,
Hey, I can't see a thing down here,
Hand me a hypodermic needle,
- What for?
Just a shot in the dark,
Dr Bob!
- Oh, no!
Dr Bob?
- Dr Bob!
Dr Bob, are you all right?
- Is he all right?
Oh, Miss Piggy!
Oh, wow, Oh, wow! What a downer,
So, once again we come to the
end of Veterinarian's HospitaI,
Tune in next week when
you'll hear Dr Bob say...
At least I won't have to
declare this on my income tax,
Why not?
- I got paid under the table,
I wish they had done
that differently,
How would you want them to do it?
- Better,
...chocolate mousse,
...chocolate...
Yum, yum, yum! Chocolate...
Good, good chocolate,
Now, the mousse,
Moose, moose, Come here, the moose!
And the chocolate on the moose,
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
You cannot... Stop, Curtain, Cut!
Hey, Petula?
- Yes?
Have you seen the set
for your closing number?
No Scooter, I haven't, What's it like?
- Oh, it's sensationaI,
Yeah, It's a fountain with reaI water!
- Wow,
And it's 1 5 feet high,
And it's made of reaI glass,
Glass?
- Yeah, It's the prettiest thing...
Hey, would you get
that moose out of here?
Look out!
CanceI the fountain,
Miss Clark, there's been
a little bit of trouble,
Yes, I know, Well,
look, it doesn't matter,
We can do without the fountain, That
lovely spray of flowers will be perfect,
Well, about those flowers...
Yes?
- The moose ate them,
It doesn't matter, We
don't need that fancy decor,
It's the kind of song that
will work anywhere, It'll be OK,
It will, Really?
- Yeah,
OK, that's just about
the end of the show,
But before we go, let us have a warm
thank you for our speciaI guest star,
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Petula Clark!
Thank you!
Thank you, Thank you, I
had a fabulous time, Kermit,
Oh, good,
- I loved all the acts,
I think the Muppets are fabulous
and I'm crazy about the moose,
Now, that's my kind of woman,
OK, we'll see you next time on
The Mickey... The Muppet Show!
All right, frog,
we watched the show!
Yeah, Unlock the doors,