The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 17 - Julie Andrews - full transcript

Julie Andrews? Fifteen seconds
to curtain, Miss Andrews,

Thank you, Thank you, I'll be ready,

I'll be ready so long
as nobody else drops in,

It's The Muppet Show, with our very
speciaI guest star, Miss Julie Andrews,

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started

It's time to get things
started on the most sensational

Inspirational, celebrational

Muppetational



This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
Welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We're excited around here tonight,

Our guest star is a wonderfully
talented lady and a good friend of mine,

and here she is now, Ladies
and gentlemen, Julie Andrews!

You know, I seen the movie twice,

Hooray! Bravo! I loved the goat,

He would... the old goat,

OK, great opening number
with the goats and the pigs,

Way to go, cow,

Cow?

It's a reaI cow, all right, Scooter!
- Yeah, chief?

Refresh my memory, Was there
a cow in that opening number?



No,
- Then what's a cow doing backstage?

What cow?
- That cow right there!

Kermit, that's a cow!

I know! How'd it get in here?
- I guess he must've sneaked in,

Cows don't sneak, Snakes sneak,

Find out who it belongs to,
- OK,

Who do you belong to?

Scooter!
- OK, chief, OK,

I think they're gonna
love this show in Jersey,

Here is a Muppet news flash.

A plane carrying a
load of sports equipment

was forced to jettison
some of its cargo,

Among the items tossed out
were 1 0,000 ping pong balls...

...and one bowling ball,

Ladies and gentlemen,
in a major feat of

death-defying musicrobatics
never seen before...

...the Great Gonzo will perform

on bagpipes the Eine
Kleine Nachtmusik

from a flagpole...
ten feet in the air?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Great Gonzo!

Hey, Gonzo should
quit while he's ahead,

Gonzo should quit while he's alive,

Are you OK, Gonzo?

Oh, sure, I just fell 1 1
feet onto solid concrete,

Well, that's too bad, It looks like
you're gonna have to get a new bagpipe,

Yeah, I'm having it made
out of solid beaver skin,

Sorry about that beaver, I
don't know how it got in here,

Usually we're more carefuI
about who we allow in this place,

Yeah, I can see that,

Yeah, the cow, It's been
a bad night for security,

Wow, You got a great pair of legs,

In fact, she's got
two great pair of legs,

Hey, you wouldn't think about
going into show business, would you?

Will you at least have
dinner with me? Promise?

Gonzo!

Hey, chief?

Well, so far nobody knows
nothing about the cow,

Keep trying, We cannot
have a cow backstage,

Well, look on the bright side,

At least you won't have to
give us milk money anymore,

Scooter!

It's very nice to be able to talk
quietly with you for a minute,

Thank you, I feeI the same way, There
was something I was going to ask,

Excuse me, Julie, Kermit?
- Yeah?

Your nephew Robin
just fell in a tuba,

He just what?
- He fell in a tuba,

It's OK, AnimaI's getting him out,

Hey, Robin, are you all right?

Yeah, it's fun!

You were saying, Julie?

I was gonna ask...
- I hate to interrupt,

Excuse me, Kermit?
- Yeah?

Did you ask to see the Flying
Zuccini's human cannonball act?

Not right now,
- I'll go tell them, Bye,

Bye,

Kermit, I was too
late to... Never mind,

Yes, you were saying...

You see, they have two cannons...

OK, OK! Just get out of here! I'm
sorry, Julie, you were trying to say...

Kermit! Sweetums and Thog
are playing badminton!

So?
- They're playing with my chicken!

Julie, you were asking?
- Nothing, I just...

...was wondering what you guys
did for entertainment around here,

Oh, nothing much,

FowI!

Excuse me,
- You're excused!

Excuse me, it's time
to change partners,

No, it's time to
change ballrooms, creep,

Excuse me, can I cut in?

That reminds me, Marvin, did you
remember to feed the anteater?

There she is!

Here we go!

Way down south way down in Borneo

There's a wild man called the Borneo

Way down on Borneo Bay

Even though you've got a corneo

You'll dance till
the break of dawneo

Way down on Borneo Bay

Wild man stands with
his clothes all torneo

Toot toot toots on a bamboo horneo

Then the bamboo baby start to sway

Start to sway

When you see them dance the Borneo
You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo

Way down on Borneo Bay

Way down on Borneo

Bay

Way down on Borneo

Bay

Way down south way down in Borneo

There's a wild man called the Borneo

Way down on Borneo Bay

Even though you've got a corneo
You'll dance till the break of dawneo

Way down on Borneo Bay

Wild man stands with
his clothes all torneo

Toot toot toots on his bamboo horneo

Then the bamboo baby start to sway

Start to sway

When you see them dance the Borneo
You'll just put yourjewels in pawneo

Way down on Borneo

Bay

Kermit, you've been busy
since I saw you last,

We've been doing this
show and all that stuff,

I love the shows, I
watch them every week,

Oh, hey, that's nice,

Gee, you know, one thing
people don't know about you,

is you write children's books,
- I really enjoy doing that, too,

And you also write songs,
- Well, I wrote one for you, remember?

You wrote one for me?
- How could you have forgotten?

I didn't forget, We did it on a
speciaI of yours a couple of years ago,

Right,
- Would you do that now?

I thought you'd never ask,

Actually, I knew
she was gonna do it,

Ready?

When you were a tadpole

And I was a fish

When the whole world
had barely begun

As far back as that?

I saw you swim by

With a smile in your eye

And I loved you

From that moment on

That's a lovely thought,

And through all the changes

From fins into fingers

I longed for the day

You would be

The sweet loving person

You've finally become

From that faraway day

In the sea

And my first wish

What's that?

That you'd love me too

'Cause I've loved you

Since you were a tadpole

And I was a fish

Oh, that really is a lovely song,

Oh, I'm glad you like it, Kermit,

It's a little bit fishy,

I really love it, though,
And I love when you sing it,

Thank you,

I'm so glad that you

Love me too

'Cause I've loved you

Since you were

A tadpole

And I was

Guess what,
- A fish?

A fish

Greetings, As an American eagle,

I feeI it is my duty

to say a few words about
the glories of industry

and technology,

There are those among us...

...who would silence our factories,

shut down our mills and
grind our highways to a halt,

Yea, verily, today the very fibre

of our industrialisation
is under attack

from a small subversive group

of namby-pamby conservationists,

These weirdoes would
stop the march of progress

for the sake of a few
insignificant animals,

I have here a list,

A list of the animals

these so-called conservationists

would have us protect,

Just listen to this,

The mountain lion,

The alligator,

The coyote, the timber wolf,

The American bald eagle,

The American bald eagle,

Excuse me, this list
is now inoperative,

Where's the cow? We had a date!

She's gone,

Well, I guess I've still
got time to call a chicken,

Say, where's the cow?

I found someone who's
gonna do something with her,

Oh, yeah? Who?
- The Swedish Chef,

Chef! What are you doing?

Barbecue,

You can't do that,
Come on, out, out,

No, no, no! Out, out!

Now, Scooter?

Would you erase that cow?
- Sure, boss,

Erase the cow?

Welcome again to Muppet Labs where
the future is being made today,

We are just feverishly
excited here at the labs today

because our latest invention
is ready for testing,

Here it is, Muppet Labs'
new hair-growing tonic,

And who better to test it on than my
willing and eager lab assistant, Beaker,

Come on in, Beaker,

You would just love to test this new
hair-growing tonic, wouldn't you Beaker?

I knew he would,

OK, just sit down
on this stooI, here,

Come on, There you go,

We'll shake a little
bit of this on here,

Put it down, And
massage it in vigorously,

Well, yes, now in
a matter of seconds

you can grow a rich,
luxurious head of hair,

Go from a baldy to a shaggy in
the mere tick of a clock, There,

Now watch closely, here's the result
of using Muppets' hair-growing tonic,

Perhaps we should call
it "hair-raising" tonic,

Kermit? Kermit, I found some guys
who'll get rid of the cow for you,

Great, Who are they?
- The Zuccini Brothers,

The human cannonball act?

Yeah, but now they're gonna
change it to a cow cannonball act,

OK, now we get it, There's the cow,

Wait, wait, wait, No, no, no,
I'm a frog, The cow's over there,

First, we gotta put
the cow into the cannon,

I don't believe this, I'm gonna
go introduce Julie Andrews,

Ladies and gentlemen, once
again, Miss Julie Andrews,

Look!

OK, kids, this has
been a lot of fun,

I think we should now
pretend I get away,

Help!

Don't be afraid, Julie, We only
wanted your autograph for a picture,

I don't happen to have a
pen on me at the moment,

There's one at the police
station around the corner,

Come with me,
- Great! Come on!

We've come to the end
of another Muppet Show

and I must say that this one has
been a particularly moving experience,

Before we go, let's have a warm
thank you to our speciaI guest star,

ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Julie Andrews!

Thank you, Thank you, Kermit,

I've really had a
super time on the show,

Good,
- Except for one thing,

What's that?

Well, I seem to have lost
my cow around here somewhere,

Cow? That was your cow?

Kermit, what was that?

Nothing,

We'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show.

Kermit, about my cow,

It was quite small,

Have you seen a cow here,
has lovely brown eyes

and big lashes?

You've seen her?

That's funny, she was
here when I came in,

Wanna go to a movie or...

...grab a steak?