The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 16 - Cleo Laine - full transcript
Fozzie tries to hijack the show as his mother is in the Audience. Cleo Laine does a Scat number with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Orchestra. Guest Puppeteer Bruce Schwartz performs with Cleo Laine "If" by Bread.
Cleo Laine, 1 5 seconds
to curtain, Miss Laine,
I'm ready,
Oh, I hope the Muppets like me,
Like? Love! Love Cleo Laine! Love!
Hey, hate me a little, will you?
Love, love!
It's The Muppet Show with our
speciaI guest star, Miss Cleo Laine!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet The Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
It's time to get things started on
the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational,
This is what we call
The Muppet Show!
Come back here,
Thank you, thank you, and
welcome to The Muppet Show.
With us tonight is one of
the truly great stars...
Thank you, You are too kind,
I am not kind, and
you are not the star,
Could I talk to you for a second?
- What?
See, my mother is in the audience,
Hi, Ma!
Watch me tonight! I'm sorry,
- Fozzie!
In addition to our
very... funny bear...
...tonight's guest star is
one of the truly great singers,
Miss Cleo Laine,
- Cleo Laine!
But first, let's limbo!
- Let's limbo!
Limbo, everybody limbo
Limbo all the day
Limbo, everybody limbo
Limbo all the day
Limbo, everybody limbo
Limbo all the day
Limbo, everybody limbo
Limbo all the day
Terrific! I wonder
how the frog did it,
Never mind,
Can that frog limbo!
Kermit, Kermit! Kermit?
Where is that frog? Kermit?
I'm down here,
- Oh, Kermit,
Kermit, do you realise that my
mother is in the audience tonight
and I wasn't even in
the opening number?
I don't care,
- You don't care? Well, why not?
Because I'm all scrunched up,
You are scrunched up,
Hey, hey, but Kermit,
you see, my mother...
Fozzie, would you unscrunch me!
- Yes, sir, yes, sir,
OK?
- Thank you,
See, my mother came
here tonight, Kermit...
Check, And so did Cleo Laine,
I gotta go introduce her,
But Kermit, when is the bear on?
That's what I want to
know, When is the bear on?
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure
to introduce a lady with
a truly remarkable voice...
Kermit, Kermit!
Quick, look up there!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Cleo Laine!
Fozzie!
It gives me great pleasure to
be appearing here with Dr Teeth
and The Electric Mayhem Orchestra,
Thank you, Cleo, You know, I
melt down those gold records
and put 'em in my teeth,
It's called putting your
money where your mouth is!
Check, And here we have
the man on bass guitar,
the hippest of the
hip, Floyd Pepper!
Yeah, movin' and groovin', Cleo,
Right on, And then we have
the weirdest man of the weird,
the man on saxophone, Zoot!
Hey, it is written,
a zebra and a geranium
should never use
the same toothbrush,
Cogently put, Zoot,
And here on guitar, the
lovely lady herself, Janice,
Oh, wow, like, I'm really
honoured to be here, really,
For sure, And way up
there on the drums,
the... You know, I'd
rather not introduce him,
Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo, We
naiI his shoes to the bandstand,
OK... AnimaI!
OK, Kermit, now it must be
time for me to go on, right?
No, no, now it's time
for Pigs In Space.
What? Kermit, please let me
at least be in Pigs In Space.
You... you can't,
- But why can't I be in Pigs In Space?
Because you're not a pig!
Well, nobody's perfect!
Oh, if only I had an idea
to get me into Pigs In Space.
Will somebody please bring
me my Pigs In Space costume?
Oh, thank you!
And now, Pigs In Space!
Featuring the neanderthalic
Captain Link Hogthrob...
...the over developed
First-Mate, Miss Piggy...
...and the tridecaphobic
Dr Julius Strangepork.
As we left our heroes last week,
Captain Hogthrob had just ordered
the Swinetrek's biannual inspection.
Dr Strangepork, call the entire
crew on deck for inspection,
All hogs on deck! All hogs
on deck! Pig, pig, pig!
Ten-hut!
Men, this ship is a disgrace,
Worse than that, it's like a pigsty,
We thought it was
kind of homey, Link,
Doctor, you're out of line,
Now I want this entire ship
swabbed down from stem to...
...from stem to...
...to the back part,
That's stern, captain,
You bet that's stern,
I'm sick of sloppiness,
First-Mate
Piggy! - Yes, sir!
Did you shave this morning?
- No, mon capitain, I did not!
Well, see that it
never happens again,
Ma, we're only acting, Don't worry,
What?
- Nothing, just, you know...
Well, that goes for the rest
of you men, too, Dismiss!
Except for you, First-Mate Piggy, -
Except for me! Yes, sir, mon capitain!
I, First-Mate Piggy, would love to
be of service to mon capitain, sir!
You would?
- Yes, sir!
Well... let's step over to the
console here, Walk this way,
I'll try,
First-Mate
Piggy? - Yes, sir!
Stand next to me,
- Yes, sir!
Look deep into my eyes,
- Yes, sir!
Give us a little kiss, pork chop,
- Yes, Sorry, No, sir!
Oh, sweetheart, First-Mate Piggy...
- Ma, it's not that kind of a show!
Oh, come on, Please, oh, honey...
Tune in again next week for
another confusing episode of
Pigs In Space!
OK, where is Fozzie? How
dare he steaI my costume!
I'll chop him into bear burger!
Wait! You don't understand!
Wait! See? Look, look!
You're an impostor! Impostor!
I'll get you for imposting a pig!
Come back here!
There you are! How dare
you steaI my costume!
Froggy! The frog, the frog,
- The frog, yeah, the frog...
Hey, come on, you guys,
What are you doing?
Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hi, ma,
It looks like it's just you and me
for the rest of the evening, folks,
Thought I'd come out and tell
a few jokes, sing a few songs...
Fozzie, will you get off the stage!
That too, yes,
Let's see now, where was I?
Ladies and gentlemen, it's seldom we
have a guest puppeteer on the show,
In fact, between you and me, it's rare
that we have any puppeteers on the show,
So it gives me great pleasure to
introduce a very talented young man,
Mr Bruce Schwartz!
Oh, that puppet looked so alive!
Well, that's more
than I can say for you!
Oh, very good,
- Wow!
OK, Kermit, now you're
going to introduce me, right?
No,
- But my mother is in the audience,
When do I go on?
- When do you go on? You've already been
in the introductions, Pigs
In Space, everything else,
What do you want, star billing?
- That would be nice,
Get out of here!
- Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
Excuse me! You look like a
very understanding person,
and maybe you can solve my
problem for me, You see...
Let's get this together, shall we?
I just learned something about the
Swedish Chef I didn't know before,
What's that?
Cooking is the second
worst thing he does,
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
- Kermit, please, now me, please?
Yes, now!
- Thank you,
Now, ladies and gentlemen, due
to an overwhelming demand...
From him, if not
from the rest of us...
Here he is, our own furry
funny man, Fozzie Bear!
Hey, hey! Thank you, thank
you, thank you and thank you!
Yes! Tonight, because there is a
certain someone speciaI in the audience,
I will do a speciaI act, Phrenology!
Phren-what?
And... And for this demonstration,
I will need a volunteer,
Fozzie, what are you going to do?
- Trust me, it's for my mother,
OK, gang... phrenology,
The art of reading a person's fortune
by feeling the bumps on his head,
OK, Now, here we go,
Well, I can tell you're
a very flexible person,
Fozzie,
- Yes, OK, OK, here we go,
I can see in your future...
Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow...
...you will have a stiff neck,
You're gonna get another job
tomorrow, I'll tell you that,
Please, please, Do it for Mom,
- Yeah, sure,
Here we go! Bumps!
- Yeah, sure, Mother,
You got some nice bumps,
frog, Bumps, bumps,
WonderfuI,
- Except your...
Your bumps for
intelligence are very small,
What?
- Yeah, it's OK, I can fix that,
You're gonna what?
You'll notice...
- Fozzie!
Get out of here!
Hi, Uncle Kermit's
kinda busy right now,
so I don't think he'd mind
if I tell you that here now,
accompanied by the puppet
artistry of Bruce Schwartz,
is the lovely Miss Cleo Laine!
Well, I think we've come
down to the end of it,
Before we go, let's have a warm
thank you for our speciaI guest star,
ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Cleo Laine!
Oh, thanks, Kermit, It's
been a lot of fun, really,
Hey, Fozzie, did your
mom enjoy the show?
Oh, I don't know, I haven't
even had time to ask her,
Listen, why don't you ask her?
- OK,
Hey, Mom! How'd you like the show?
Mom, how could you?
We'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!
Well, shall we call it a night?
Might as well, Certainly
wouldn't call it a show,
to curtain, Miss Laine,
I'm ready,
Oh, I hope the Muppets like me,
Like? Love! Love Cleo Laine! Love!
Hey, hate me a little, will you?
Love, love!
It's The Muppet Show with our
speciaI guest star, Miss Cleo Laine!
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet The Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
It's time to get things started on
the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational,
This is what we call
The Muppet Show!
Come back here,
Thank you, thank you, and
welcome to The Muppet Show.
With us tonight is one of
the truly great stars...
Thank you, You are too kind,
I am not kind, and
you are not the star,
Could I talk to you for a second?
- What?
See, my mother is in the audience,
Hi, Ma!
Watch me tonight! I'm sorry,
- Fozzie!
In addition to our
very... funny bear...
...tonight's guest star is
one of the truly great singers,
Miss Cleo Laine,
- Cleo Laine!
But first, let's limbo!
- Let's limbo!
Limbo, everybody limbo
Limbo all the day
Limbo, everybody limbo
Limbo all the day
Limbo, everybody limbo
Limbo all the day
Limbo, everybody limbo
Limbo all the day
Terrific! I wonder
how the frog did it,
Never mind,
Can that frog limbo!
Kermit, Kermit! Kermit?
Where is that frog? Kermit?
I'm down here,
- Oh, Kermit,
Kermit, do you realise that my
mother is in the audience tonight
and I wasn't even in
the opening number?
I don't care,
- You don't care? Well, why not?
Because I'm all scrunched up,
You are scrunched up,
Hey, hey, but Kermit,
you see, my mother...
Fozzie, would you unscrunch me!
- Yes, sir, yes, sir,
OK?
- Thank you,
See, my mother came
here tonight, Kermit...
Check, And so did Cleo Laine,
I gotta go introduce her,
But Kermit, when is the bear on?
That's what I want to
know, When is the bear on?
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure
to introduce a lady with
a truly remarkable voice...
Kermit, Kermit!
Quick, look up there!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Cleo Laine!
Fozzie!
It gives me great pleasure to
be appearing here with Dr Teeth
and The Electric Mayhem Orchestra,
Thank you, Cleo, You know, I
melt down those gold records
and put 'em in my teeth,
It's called putting your
money where your mouth is!
Check, And here we have
the man on bass guitar,
the hippest of the
hip, Floyd Pepper!
Yeah, movin' and groovin', Cleo,
Right on, And then we have
the weirdest man of the weird,
the man on saxophone, Zoot!
Hey, it is written,
a zebra and a geranium
should never use
the same toothbrush,
Cogently put, Zoot,
And here on guitar, the
lovely lady herself, Janice,
Oh, wow, like, I'm really
honoured to be here, really,
For sure, And way up
there on the drums,
the... You know, I'd
rather not introduce him,
Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo, We
naiI his shoes to the bandstand,
OK... AnimaI!
OK, Kermit, now it must be
time for me to go on, right?
No, no, now it's time
for Pigs In Space.
What? Kermit, please let me
at least be in Pigs In Space.
You... you can't,
- But why can't I be in Pigs In Space?
Because you're not a pig!
Well, nobody's perfect!
Oh, if only I had an idea
to get me into Pigs In Space.
Will somebody please bring
me my Pigs In Space costume?
Oh, thank you!
And now, Pigs In Space!
Featuring the neanderthalic
Captain Link Hogthrob...
...the over developed
First-Mate, Miss Piggy...
...and the tridecaphobic
Dr Julius Strangepork.
As we left our heroes last week,
Captain Hogthrob had just ordered
the Swinetrek's biannual inspection.
Dr Strangepork, call the entire
crew on deck for inspection,
All hogs on deck! All hogs
on deck! Pig, pig, pig!
Ten-hut!
Men, this ship is a disgrace,
Worse than that, it's like a pigsty,
We thought it was
kind of homey, Link,
Doctor, you're out of line,
Now I want this entire ship
swabbed down from stem to...
...from stem to...
...to the back part,
That's stern, captain,
You bet that's stern,
I'm sick of sloppiness,
First-Mate
Piggy! - Yes, sir!
Did you shave this morning?
- No, mon capitain, I did not!
Well, see that it
never happens again,
Ma, we're only acting, Don't worry,
What?
- Nothing, just, you know...
Well, that goes for the rest
of you men, too, Dismiss!
Except for you, First-Mate Piggy, -
Except for me! Yes, sir, mon capitain!
I, First-Mate Piggy, would love to
be of service to mon capitain, sir!
You would?
- Yes, sir!
Well... let's step over to the
console here, Walk this way,
I'll try,
First-Mate
Piggy? - Yes, sir!
Stand next to me,
- Yes, sir!
Look deep into my eyes,
- Yes, sir!
Give us a little kiss, pork chop,
- Yes, Sorry, No, sir!
Oh, sweetheart, First-Mate Piggy...
- Ma, it's not that kind of a show!
Oh, come on, Please, oh, honey...
Tune in again next week for
another confusing episode of
Pigs In Space!
OK, where is Fozzie? How
dare he steaI my costume!
I'll chop him into bear burger!
Wait! You don't understand!
Wait! See? Look, look!
You're an impostor! Impostor!
I'll get you for imposting a pig!
Come back here!
There you are! How dare
you steaI my costume!
Froggy! The frog, the frog,
- The frog, yeah, the frog...
Hey, come on, you guys,
What are you doing?
Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hi, ma,
It looks like it's just you and me
for the rest of the evening, folks,
Thought I'd come out and tell
a few jokes, sing a few songs...
Fozzie, will you get off the stage!
That too, yes,
Let's see now, where was I?
Ladies and gentlemen, it's seldom we
have a guest puppeteer on the show,
In fact, between you and me, it's rare
that we have any puppeteers on the show,
So it gives me great pleasure to
introduce a very talented young man,
Mr Bruce Schwartz!
Oh, that puppet looked so alive!
Well, that's more
than I can say for you!
Oh, very good,
- Wow!
OK, Kermit, now you're
going to introduce me, right?
No,
- But my mother is in the audience,
When do I go on?
- When do you go on? You've already been
in the introductions, Pigs
In Space, everything else,
What do you want, star billing?
- That would be nice,
Get out of here!
- Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
Excuse me! You look like a
very understanding person,
and maybe you can solve my
problem for me, You see...
Let's get this together, shall we?
I just learned something about the
Swedish Chef I didn't know before,
What's that?
Cooking is the second
worst thing he does,
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
- Kermit, please, now me, please?
Yes, now!
- Thank you,
Now, ladies and gentlemen, due
to an overwhelming demand...
From him, if not
from the rest of us...
Here he is, our own furry
funny man, Fozzie Bear!
Hey, hey! Thank you, thank
you, thank you and thank you!
Yes! Tonight, because there is a
certain someone speciaI in the audience,
I will do a speciaI act, Phrenology!
Phren-what?
And... And for this demonstration,
I will need a volunteer,
Fozzie, what are you going to do?
- Trust me, it's for my mother,
OK, gang... phrenology,
The art of reading a person's fortune
by feeling the bumps on his head,
OK, Now, here we go,
Well, I can tell you're
a very flexible person,
Fozzie,
- Yes, OK, OK, here we go,
I can see in your future...
Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow...
...you will have a stiff neck,
You're gonna get another job
tomorrow, I'll tell you that,
Please, please, Do it for Mom,
- Yeah, sure,
Here we go! Bumps!
- Yeah, sure, Mother,
You got some nice bumps,
frog, Bumps, bumps,
WonderfuI,
- Except your...
Your bumps for
intelligence are very small,
What?
- Yeah, it's OK, I can fix that,
You're gonna what?
You'll notice...
- Fozzie!
Get out of here!
Hi, Uncle Kermit's
kinda busy right now,
so I don't think he'd mind
if I tell you that here now,
accompanied by the puppet
artistry of Bruce Schwartz,
is the lovely Miss Cleo Laine!
Well, I think we've come
down to the end of it,
Before we go, let's have a warm
thank you for our speciaI guest star,
ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Cleo Laine!
Oh, thanks, Kermit, It's
been a lot of fun, really,
Hey, Fozzie, did your
mom enjoy the show?
Oh, I don't know, I haven't
even had time to ask her,
Listen, why don't you ask her?
- OK,
Hey, Mom! How'd you like the show?
Mom, how could you?
We'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show!
Well, shall we call it a night?
Might as well, Certainly
wouldn't call it a show,