The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 15 - Lou Rawls - full transcript

Lou Rawls, Oh, Lou Rawls? 24
seconds to curtain, Mr Rawls,

Thank you, Scooter,
- Mr Rawls, I wanted to tell you

that I greatly respect your talent

and I've followed your career
from its very beginning,

Thank you, Sam,

It's just too bad
it has to end here,

It's The Muppet Show with our very
speciaI guest star, Mr Lou Rawls!

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light

It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right

It's time to get things started



We're old men,
- Give us a break!

It's time to get things started on
the most sensational, inspirational

Celebrational, Muppetational

This is what we
call The Muppet Show!

Green smoke,

Thank you, thank you, and
welcome again to The Muppet Show.

Tonight's show is
going to be very speciaI

because our guest star
is the great Mr Lou Rawls!

But first, to get things started,
here's our own Fozzie Bear,

who will perform for you
tonight on roller skates!

Kermit, I think the act
needs just a bit more...

...rehearsaI!

Well, so much for
the opening number,

Now we suddenly arrive
at guest star time...



Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Lou Rawls!

That Lou Rawls is
one fantastic singer,

Yeah, so am I, You
wanna hear me sing?

Only if you sing solo,

Solo?
- So low I can't hear,

OK, nice and groovy,
guys, Very groovy,

Hey, chief, I thought Fozzie was going
to do the opening spot on the show,

That was plan, but he wasn't
quite ready so we switched numbers,

What now, a news flash or
Fozzie's roller skating act?

Wow!

I'll tell the news man he's on,

Here is a Muppet News Flash,

Dateline, New York, MedicaI
science has been baffled

by a sudden epidemic of the
rare disease Mallarditis,

The illness strikes very quickly and
causes its victim to turn into a duck,

Mallarditis? That's the
silliest thing I ever...

And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,

the continuing story of a
quack who has gone to the dogs.

On to the next patient,

What's this? He was
here a minute ago,

Oh, wow, This is
happening a lot lately,

What is?
- Dr Bob is losing his patients,

That's untrue, I
never lose my patience!

What about the patient you
accidentally fed nitroglycerin to?

Him, I lost,

But I found him again,
- Where?

In Iowa, Minnesota,
North and South Dakota,

That was him all over,

So, once again, Dr Bob
has come to nothing.

Tune in next time when
you will hear him say...

Hey! Who are you?
- Who?

You!
- You know, the voice we keep hearing,

I'm the announcer.
I'm the guy who says,

"And now, Veterinarian's HospitaI,

the continuing story of a quack
who has gone to the dogs. "

On to the next patient, What's
this? He was here a minute ago,

This is happening a lot lately,
- What is?

Dr Bob is losing his patients,
- Untrue, I never lose my patience!

What about the one you
fed nitroglycerin to?

Him, I lost,

But I found him again,
- Where?

Maryland, Virginia,
North and South Carolina,

That's him all over!

And so, Dr Bob has done
all the same jokes twice.

Tune in next time when you
will hear Nurse Janice say...

Shall we go for thirds?

No, that would try my patience,

You don't have any patients,

I would if it weren't for
that dumb nitroglycerin,

Hey Floyd, AnimaI, What's happening?

Hey, Lou Rawls, Whoa, AnimaI!

Hey, good to see you, You know,
I'm just out walking the drummer,

Walking the drummer? Is
he friend or foe, man?

Lou Rawls, Lou Rawls!

HeeI, AnimaI! HeeI!
- HeeI, heeI, heeI,

Yeah, well, he's a big fan, Lou,

Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, He bought all your albums,

You like them, AnimaI?

Delicious!

Let me tell you something,
AnimaI, You know,

you play the drums so good, man,

You take the sticks and
lay down great percussion,

You know what I'm talking about?
- Percussion!

Lou, you sort of have to consider
AnimaI as your basic primitive man,

Have to know how to talk to him,
- Oh, yeah?

How do you tell a man his work
with the sticks really is down?

I mean he can put some souI in
the bowI, You know what I mean?

Yeah, OK, That's easy,

AnimaI...
- Yeah?

Good drummer!
- Good drummer, good drummer...

Yeah, that's a good drummer,

Yeah, Well, listen,
let me tell you this,

Look, I've got this
long road gig coming up,

and I'm short a drummer,
Think he'd be interested?

Oh, no, You couldn't take AnimaI
on any long road trips, Lou,

Why not, man? The cat's good,
- You couldn't get a long enough chain,

Chain! Chain! Chain!

Come on, Floyd, just let me discuss
it with him man to man, you know?

Man to man? This dude
don't know AnimaI,

OK, Lou, There's his chain, but

could I just ask one favour?
- Yeah, baby,

Don't let him chase any cars, OK?
- Cars!

I think I blew that gig,

Cars!

I see, I'll tell him,

Hey, Kermit? The Swedish Chef
says he's not ready to go on,

You said he'd be on the
second half of the show,

Wow!

Well, listen, we've had to
move things around a little,

Kermit!

In fact, some things are
moving around quite a lot,

I think I've almost
got it licked, Kermit!

Emphasis on the "almost",

OK, let's go, Chef,
- Come on, OK, OK,

...frog's legs,

Uncle Kermit, somebody,

anybody... help!

Hold it! Stop! Cut, cut, cut!

Don't say "cut", say "stop"!

So you say your boyfriend's
name is "Sy"? Sy who?

Clops!

So, what did you think
of the movie Jaws?

Excuse me, Are you the monster
who swallowed my harmonica?

So, how are the kids, Flo?

Oh, not too good,

One of the chicks just came
down with the "people pox",

My horoscope said I
should be carefuI today

or some great physicaI
harm could befall me,

Oh, that's a lot of
silly superstition,

Oh, my son,

When you grow up, you know,
you might be a halfback,

or you might even be a fullback,

Or, if you really persevere,

you might grow up and be a football,

You know, Lou, it's great
having you on the show,

Thank you, Kermit, It's
really a gas to be here,

Well, you know, I got all of
your records back at my pad,

Pad, frog... lily pad,
That's a little joke there,

Only possibly,
Kermit, Only possibly,

Hey, listen, Lou, could you tell us,

what is the secret of
singing jazz like you do?

Well, Kermit, all you have to do
really is just kinda lay back, you know,

and lay down some golden
tones, with souI and style,

Sure, you just gotta lay back
and lay down some golden tones

with souI and style,

No, it doesn't even sound
the same when I say it,

But listen, would you do a little
bit of that for us right now?

No, No, I won't,
- No?

You see, Kermit, you really can't
sing jazz without soft light,

you know, a little atmosphere,
And you gotta have a band,

Well, listen, you got it,

Kermit, this is an inspiration
and an open invitation, you know,

for soulfuI syncopation, you dig?
- Does that mean something good?

Yes, It means let's sing,
- WonderfuI, I'll just be over here,

Hold it, Floyd, Wait a minute...

I just love scat,
- What?

Scat! Scat!
- What? Is there a pussycat in here?

OK, great number, I
loved it, I loved it,

Let's see, Now where's Fozzie?

If he's gonna roller skate,
it'll have to be soon,

Very good, Fozzie,
You ready to go on?

I'm ready, Kermit, I'm
just sorry I took so long,

But I want you to know, it's tough,
Roller skating is very, very difficult,

Easy for you to say!

Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where
the future is being made today,

Well, our latest development
is the nuclear-powered shaver,

The honour of shaving for the first
time with the nuclear-powered shaver

goes to my faithfuI lab assistant,
Beaker, Come on in here, Beaker,

It's all right, come
on, There you go,

Now, in order to protect Beaker's
fluffy orange hair from nuclear fallout,

he will wear this protective helmet,

which is... made of solid lead,

Bend over, Beaker, here,

Come on, Hurry up, bend over,

There,

All right, Up you go, Beaker,

Now Beaker is ready
for the demonstration,

Notice how effective
the lead helmet is!

Now Beaker doesn't need a shave,

As you may have noticed, Fozzie
has taken up roller skating,

So here he is with funny jokes
and figure eights, Mr Fozzie Bear!

Hiya, hiya, hiya!

How about that? Haven't told
one joke and I'm rolling already,

Not bad on a ten-cent
pair of skates, huh?

Speaking of cheapskates...

Nice blend, Fozzie,
Thank you, Fozzie!

Hey, hey, hey... the
next joke I'm gonna tell,

I'm gonna do it while skating
a figure eight, Here it goes...

Speaking of cheapskates, I know a
guy so cheap, when he goes fishing,

he puts a picture of a worm on his
hook and he catches a picture of a fish,

Hey, this is a great way for
Fozzie to do his materiaI,

A moving target is harder to hit!

Oh, yeah? Well, watch this,
I'm gonna tell this next joke

while skating backwards, and with
my foot in the air, wiggling my ears,

Here it goes...

OK, a guy walks in to a diner,
There's a horse behind the counter,

The guy just looks at
the horse, The horse says,

"What's the matter,
surprised to see me here?"

And the guy says, "Yeah,
did the cow sell the place?"

He was doing OK untiI
he fell off the stage,

Wrong, He was doing OK
untiI he came on the stage,

"Did the cow sell the place?"

And now, once again, this time
backed by the big band of Dr Teeth,

here he is, Mr Lou Rawls!

OK, well, that's about all the
time we have, but before we go...

I'm going now...

As I was saying, before we
go, let's have a warm thank you

to our speciaI guest star, ladies
and gentlemen, Mr Lou Rawls!

Thank you, Kermit,
- Wait a minute...

Let's not stop!
- Now that we've got things going,

Well, we'll see you next
time on The Muppet Show.

I loved tonight's show!
- Really?

Of course not, Just wanted
to see if I could say it,