The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 18 - Jaye P. Morgan - full transcript
Jaye P, Morgan? Jaye P, Morgan, 1
5 seconds to curtain, Miss Morgan,
Scooter, I have a present for you,
- Gee, thanks,
Hey, this is a...
This is not going to be just
another cute puppet show,
It's The Muppet Show, with our very
speciaI guest star Miss Jaye P, Morgan,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Let's get this turkey on the road!
It's time to get things
started on the most sensational
Inspirational,
celebrational Muppetational
This is what we call
The Muppet Show
Thank you, thank you!
Here we are again with another one of
those things titled The Muppet Show.
Starting off, we are going to
do the first piece of materiaI
the Muppets ever did,
No kidding, It was a little
song entitled Tweedlee Dee.
We first did it 23 years ago,
But tonight we have new and cute version
of it done by our speciaI guest star,
ladies and gentlemen,
Jaye P, Morgan, Yay!
Tweedlee tweedlee dee?
What am I doing here?
I mean, this is really corny,
I flew 8,000 miles to be here, the
plane was late, I haven't slept,
And I'm dressing
with a bunch of pigs,
Then they put me in this
bird-brained costume,
Want me to be cute? The
feathers smell like a skunk,
Then I gotta sing,
You are one cute bird, Jaye P,
I'm getting sick, too,
Fact, you're one cute
Jaye bird, Jaye P,
Terrific, Now they're
making bad jokes on my name,
I thought it was funny,
- This is the worst,
What're you gonna ask me to do next?
- Modulate, Jaye P... modulate,
Going into a coma,
Dumb is right,
All right, here we
go, head for home,
Home it is!
Dumb,
Jaye P, Morgan is terrific,
Yep, but that number
was for the birds,
You had to do that joke?
One of us had to
and I lost the toss,
OK, way to go, bird!
Back to your dressing nest,
Jaye P... that was a terrific number,
It was?
- It really was,
I just can't tell you what a thrill
it is to have you on the show,
Thank you, Kermit,
Nice of you to say so,
I'd like to say I'm really
indifferent about being here,
Indifferent?
Well, you know what I mean,
- But what's wrong?
That last number was
terrific, It was really cute,
Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it?
- It was, It was just so cute,
I hate cute,
We're in trouble,
Listen, Jaye P... we're
not all cute around here,
Jaye P,!
Wait, AnimaI, don't do it!
I... Cute's not the
only thing I hate!
Hey, Chef, you're on! AnimaI!
Coconut,
It's hard to open the coconut,
It's hard... hard...
...cut the coconut,
Sawzen, sawzen the coconut,
We got the clubber,
Clubber the coconut,
It's a bomb?
Wait just a minute,
That's the second time tonight
they've used a bomb joke,
Three's a charm,
Hey, bang up job, Chef,
Hey, hey, Kermit, How's Jaye P,?
She's fine, She's a little upset
because the opening number was cute,
but she's OK now,
- Good,
I just sent up a cake
to her dressing room,
Wait, Kermit! Not the cake
that was here on the table,
Yeah, Why?
Crazy Harry baked that,
Hey, Kermit, can we get
back to the cute part?
Look, Jaye P... I'll be right up,
Fozzie, go introduce the next number,
- Yes, Yes, yes, yes,
Hey, hey, Kermit wants me
to do the next introduction,
Oh, yeah?
- Well, he's the only one who does,
Hey, come on, guys, No heckling,
I mean, I'm not even
out here to tell jokes,
Have you ever been?
Hey, you know that
the bear is funny,
You're right, In fact, I never
enjoyed you more than I did last week,
Well, I didn't do an act last week,
- I rest my case,
That's very good,
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is Gonzo the Great
with a trumpet solo,
Flight of the Bumblebee.
That does it, I'm leaving,
You know, the trouble with women is
they always take things personally,
I don't,
The trouble with men is that
they're all too wishy-washy,
Well, sometimes yes, and...
...sometimes no,
The trouble with you is
you can't take criticism,
That's a low-down, rotten lie,
What do you mean I can't take...
The trouble with you
is you're conceited,
I am not, Although I
have every reason to be,
The trouble with you is you're
always sticking your nose
into everybody's business,
What choice have I got?
The trouble with you
is you're so stubborn,
You refuse to change,
Wanna bet?
Hey, I didn't know you
could play the piano,
I didn't know it either,
I'll join in,
Very good, Here I go,
Oh, he's good,
Yeah,
This is my part,
Take it,
Very good,
- Thank you,
Yeah, Together,
OK,
You take it now, OK? Ready, go!
Come on in,
It's fun,
Ready? Modulate,
- What? What's that?
Yay, you did it,
- Thank you, Whatever,
My hat, What do I do?
Can you play hatless?
- What?
Can you play hatless?
- I don't know, Who wrote it?
Keep playing,
- Yes, sir,
That's how it works?
Just play,
- Yes, sir,
Big finish,
Watch out!
So, Jaye P... how ya doing?
- Just terrible,
So far, I've been attacked by AnimaI and
two explosions have gone off next to me,
I'm starting to feeI like
a moving target around here,
Well, let me explain
about those explosions,
On this show explosions
are one of our trademarks,
I can believe that,
In fact, on this show,
things blow up all the time,
Anything can blow up,
You see what I mean?
- Wow,
How'd you do that?
- It was really quite simple,
In fact, it's rather fun,
I guess you could say
you get a bang out of it,
Well, you could say that, but
we did that joke last year,
Check,
What else could we talk about?
- How about your hat?
Great idea, You know explosions
are one of your trademarks?
Spectacular hats are one of mine,
That one is fantastic,
I particularly wanted to wear
this one on The Muppet Show, too,
Well, why is that?
I guess you could say I blew my top?
Yeah, well, you could say that but...
- We did that joke last year,
Figures,
This talk spot is about
over, Shall we leave?
Why not?
- After you,
Do you suppose that means
we'll never see them again?
Well, we can always hope,
Two, three, four,
And now, Pigs in Space!
Starring the fatuous
Captain Link Hogthrob.
The recalcitrant
first mate, Miss Piggy.
And the describable Dr Strangepork.
When last we left the
spaceship Swinetrek,
it was in serious danger as it plummeted
towards Earth at an alarming rate.
Dr Strangepork,
why are we plummeting toward
Earth at an alarming rate?
We've lost the number three engine,
How long will it take to fix it?
We can't, It's really
lost, it fell off,
Is there anything we can do?
Yes, we can maintain
our present altitude
if we lighten the weight
of the rocket ship,
How much weight will we
have to toss overboard?
One pig,
Yeah, that should do it,
Rather drastic, isn't it?
- I wasn't thinking of you, Link,
You're the captain,
Well, then perhaps
it isn't so drastic,
Well, I would volunteer myself,
except that I'm the only one who knows
how all this technicaI stuff works,
That's very true,
Well, if it isn't you or me...
Well, I just finished
doing the laundry,
Well, thank you, First Mate Piggy,
But I'm telling you right now, that
is the last laundry this pig is doing,
You can say that again,
Miss Piggy?
I have a new assignment for you,
Oh, yes, my captain?
Dr Strangepork, do you mind?
Of course, See you later, Link,
Bon voyage, Miss Piggy,
Weird exit line,
First Mate Piggy,
I need your help,
- Yes! A reaI assignment, Yes, yes!
We're losing altitude,
And we must lighten the weight of the
rocket by throwing something overboard,
And... and you want me
to help you decide what?
No,
We've already decided what,
- What?
Are you out of your mind?!
No hard feelings,
I hope, Miss Piggy,
No hard feelings! Why you...
Au revoir, fatso,
Fatso this,
Tune in next week and
see the replacement for...
...Pigs In Space!
Here is a Muppet news flash,
A charter flight carrying
the London Symphony Orchestra
has been forced to jettison
some of the musicaI instruments,
The...
Well, Uncle J,P... sir, I think you'll
find that things around your theatre
are the same as last time you came,
That bad?
Well, I'll just have a look around,
I believe in giving the frog a
fair triaI before I throw him out,
But, sir...
Hey, Kermit?
I think you should know my Uncle J,P,
Grosse, the man who owns this theatre,
is making another inspection,
Not J,P, I don't
think I can take it,
Of all the people I can't stand
to have while we do the show,
J,P, is the worst!
I mean, J,P, is without a doubt
the most difficult, impossible
unfriendly...
Oh, hi, Jaye P,
Jaye P,!
When I said J,P... just now, I
didn't mean Jaye P... I meant J,P,
Know what I mean?
- No,
Right,
- Wrong,
Oh, you see, I love
having you on the show,
but J,P, Grosse, the man who
owns this theatre, is the meanest,
stingiest, most
heartless person I know,
I hope you mean that
as a compliment, frog,
I think I just put
both feet in my mouth,
Ladies and gentlemen,
today I talk to you of crime,
A matter of utmost urgency,
We must all be forever on our guard
against this rising
wave of banditry,
Yes, yes, banditry
and skulduggery...
...or our entire universe is in
danger of being stolen from under us,
My friends...
My friends, I caution you
to keep out an eagle eye
for the blackguards and rapscallions
who are perpetrating this
reign of latrociny,
Latrociny, that means stealing,
What, if it weren't for
my own eternaI vigilance,
and... and... and... and
absolute awareness of crime,
I'm certain that the rising legions
of sneak thieves and ne'er-do-wells,
and snakes in the grasses
would strip this theatre...
...bare,
Now, remember...
...make watchfulness...
...your watchword,
Thank you and good night,
Wait a minute!
I now realise television
has one major advantage
over a live stage show,
What's that?
A television, you can turn off,
Hey, Kermit!
- You guys better return that eagle!
In about 30 days... or more,
Hey, chief?
What's the closing number?
- A song with Jaye P,
It's gonna be great, At least I hope,
we've been a little rough on her,
It's a perfect song for
Jaye P, That Old Black Magic.
I only hope Jaye P, will do it,
- If the price is right, I'll do it!
Always wanted to sing,
Oh, boy, Having two J,P,s
around is really rough,
Glad you recognise talent, kid,
Maybe I'll let you keep the theatre,
Now, let's talk about
the singing contract,
Well, you see, J,P...
I'd love for you to sing and I'm sure
you've got a swell singing voice...
Yeah, well,
Introduce Jaye P, Morgan
while I handle this,
Yeah, good luck, silver tongue,
Now...
- All right, where do I sign?
Oh, boy,
Ladies and gentlemen, here is one
of the really super ladies of song,
Miss Jaye P, Morgan,
with That Old Black Magic.
We started this some time ago
and it has to end someplace,
so this must be the place,
But before we go, let
us have a warm thank you
for our very speciaI guest star,
ladies and gentlemen,
Jaye P, Morgan, yay!
Thank you, thank you,
Thank you, Kermit, it was...
You know, I've been blown
up, beaten up, insulted,
Everything's happened to me, but
I've had a great time, I mean it,
Well, it tends to be
like that around here,
And now, for my first song...
I'd like to dedicate this to the boys
at the J,P, Grosse Collection Agency,
Give me that money
Can't get enough...
See you next time
on The Muppet Show!
I wonder if anybody watches
this show besides us,
Besides me,
5 seconds to curtain, Miss Morgan,
Scooter, I have a present for you,
- Gee, thanks,
Hey, this is a...
This is not going to be just
another cute puppet show,
It's The Muppet Show, with our very
speciaI guest star Miss Jaye P, Morgan,
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the light
It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Let's get this turkey on the road!
It's time to get things
started on the most sensational
Inspirational,
celebrational Muppetational
This is what we call
The Muppet Show
Thank you, thank you!
Here we are again with another one of
those things titled The Muppet Show.
Starting off, we are going to
do the first piece of materiaI
the Muppets ever did,
No kidding, It was a little
song entitled Tweedlee Dee.
We first did it 23 years ago,
But tonight we have new and cute version
of it done by our speciaI guest star,
ladies and gentlemen,
Jaye P, Morgan, Yay!
Tweedlee tweedlee dee?
What am I doing here?
I mean, this is really corny,
I flew 8,000 miles to be here, the
plane was late, I haven't slept,
And I'm dressing
with a bunch of pigs,
Then they put me in this
bird-brained costume,
Want me to be cute? The
feathers smell like a skunk,
Then I gotta sing,
You are one cute bird, Jaye P,
I'm getting sick, too,
Fact, you're one cute
Jaye bird, Jaye P,
Terrific, Now they're
making bad jokes on my name,
I thought it was funny,
- This is the worst,
What're you gonna ask me to do next?
- Modulate, Jaye P... modulate,
Going into a coma,
Dumb is right,
All right, here we
go, head for home,
Home it is!
Dumb,
Jaye P, Morgan is terrific,
Yep, but that number
was for the birds,
You had to do that joke?
One of us had to
and I lost the toss,
OK, way to go, bird!
Back to your dressing nest,
Jaye P... that was a terrific number,
It was?
- It really was,
I just can't tell you what a thrill
it is to have you on the show,
Thank you, Kermit,
Nice of you to say so,
I'd like to say I'm really
indifferent about being here,
Indifferent?
Well, you know what I mean,
- But what's wrong?
That last number was
terrific, It was really cute,
Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it?
- It was, It was just so cute,
I hate cute,
We're in trouble,
Listen, Jaye P... we're
not all cute around here,
Jaye P,!
Wait, AnimaI, don't do it!
I... Cute's not the
only thing I hate!
Hey, Chef, you're on! AnimaI!
Coconut,
It's hard to open the coconut,
It's hard... hard...
...cut the coconut,
Sawzen, sawzen the coconut,
We got the clubber,
Clubber the coconut,
It's a bomb?
Wait just a minute,
That's the second time tonight
they've used a bomb joke,
Three's a charm,
Hey, bang up job, Chef,
Hey, hey, Kermit, How's Jaye P,?
She's fine, She's a little upset
because the opening number was cute,
but she's OK now,
- Good,
I just sent up a cake
to her dressing room,
Wait, Kermit! Not the cake
that was here on the table,
Yeah, Why?
Crazy Harry baked that,
Hey, Kermit, can we get
back to the cute part?
Look, Jaye P... I'll be right up,
Fozzie, go introduce the next number,
- Yes, Yes, yes, yes,
Hey, hey, Kermit wants me
to do the next introduction,
Oh, yeah?
- Well, he's the only one who does,
Hey, come on, guys, No heckling,
I mean, I'm not even
out here to tell jokes,
Have you ever been?
Hey, you know that
the bear is funny,
You're right, In fact, I never
enjoyed you more than I did last week,
Well, I didn't do an act last week,
- I rest my case,
That's very good,
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is Gonzo the Great
with a trumpet solo,
Flight of the Bumblebee.
That does it, I'm leaving,
You know, the trouble with women is
they always take things personally,
I don't,
The trouble with men is that
they're all too wishy-washy,
Well, sometimes yes, and...
...sometimes no,
The trouble with you is
you can't take criticism,
That's a low-down, rotten lie,
What do you mean I can't take...
The trouble with you
is you're conceited,
I am not, Although I
have every reason to be,
The trouble with you is you're
always sticking your nose
into everybody's business,
What choice have I got?
The trouble with you
is you're so stubborn,
You refuse to change,
Wanna bet?
Hey, I didn't know you
could play the piano,
I didn't know it either,
I'll join in,
Very good, Here I go,
Oh, he's good,
Yeah,
This is my part,
Take it,
Very good,
- Thank you,
Yeah, Together,
OK,
You take it now, OK? Ready, go!
Come on in,
It's fun,
Ready? Modulate,
- What? What's that?
Yay, you did it,
- Thank you, Whatever,
My hat, What do I do?
Can you play hatless?
- What?
Can you play hatless?
- I don't know, Who wrote it?
Keep playing,
- Yes, sir,
That's how it works?
Just play,
- Yes, sir,
Big finish,
Watch out!
So, Jaye P... how ya doing?
- Just terrible,
So far, I've been attacked by AnimaI and
two explosions have gone off next to me,
I'm starting to feeI like
a moving target around here,
Well, let me explain
about those explosions,
On this show explosions
are one of our trademarks,
I can believe that,
In fact, on this show,
things blow up all the time,
Anything can blow up,
You see what I mean?
- Wow,
How'd you do that?
- It was really quite simple,
In fact, it's rather fun,
I guess you could say
you get a bang out of it,
Well, you could say that, but
we did that joke last year,
Check,
What else could we talk about?
- How about your hat?
Great idea, You know explosions
are one of your trademarks?
Spectacular hats are one of mine,
That one is fantastic,
I particularly wanted to wear
this one on The Muppet Show, too,
Well, why is that?
I guess you could say I blew my top?
Yeah, well, you could say that but...
- We did that joke last year,
Figures,
This talk spot is about
over, Shall we leave?
Why not?
- After you,
Do you suppose that means
we'll never see them again?
Well, we can always hope,
Two, three, four,
And now, Pigs in Space!
Starring the fatuous
Captain Link Hogthrob.
The recalcitrant
first mate, Miss Piggy.
And the describable Dr Strangepork.
When last we left the
spaceship Swinetrek,
it was in serious danger as it plummeted
towards Earth at an alarming rate.
Dr Strangepork,
why are we plummeting toward
Earth at an alarming rate?
We've lost the number three engine,
How long will it take to fix it?
We can't, It's really
lost, it fell off,
Is there anything we can do?
Yes, we can maintain
our present altitude
if we lighten the weight
of the rocket ship,
How much weight will we
have to toss overboard?
One pig,
Yeah, that should do it,
Rather drastic, isn't it?
- I wasn't thinking of you, Link,
You're the captain,
Well, then perhaps
it isn't so drastic,
Well, I would volunteer myself,
except that I'm the only one who knows
how all this technicaI stuff works,
That's very true,
Well, if it isn't you or me...
Well, I just finished
doing the laundry,
Well, thank you, First Mate Piggy,
But I'm telling you right now, that
is the last laundry this pig is doing,
You can say that again,
Miss Piggy?
I have a new assignment for you,
Oh, yes, my captain?
Dr Strangepork, do you mind?
Of course, See you later, Link,
Bon voyage, Miss Piggy,
Weird exit line,
First Mate Piggy,
I need your help,
- Yes! A reaI assignment, Yes, yes!
We're losing altitude,
And we must lighten the weight of the
rocket by throwing something overboard,
And... and you want me
to help you decide what?
No,
We've already decided what,
- What?
Are you out of your mind?!
No hard feelings,
I hope, Miss Piggy,
No hard feelings! Why you...
Au revoir, fatso,
Fatso this,
Tune in next week and
see the replacement for...
...Pigs In Space!
Here is a Muppet news flash,
A charter flight carrying
the London Symphony Orchestra
has been forced to jettison
some of the musicaI instruments,
The...
Well, Uncle J,P... sir, I think you'll
find that things around your theatre
are the same as last time you came,
That bad?
Well, I'll just have a look around,
I believe in giving the frog a
fair triaI before I throw him out,
But, sir...
Hey, Kermit?
I think you should know my Uncle J,P,
Grosse, the man who owns this theatre,
is making another inspection,
Not J,P, I don't
think I can take it,
Of all the people I can't stand
to have while we do the show,
J,P, is the worst!
I mean, J,P, is without a doubt
the most difficult, impossible
unfriendly...
Oh, hi, Jaye P,
Jaye P,!
When I said J,P... just now, I
didn't mean Jaye P... I meant J,P,
Know what I mean?
- No,
Right,
- Wrong,
Oh, you see, I love
having you on the show,
but J,P, Grosse, the man who
owns this theatre, is the meanest,
stingiest, most
heartless person I know,
I hope you mean that
as a compliment, frog,
I think I just put
both feet in my mouth,
Ladies and gentlemen,
today I talk to you of crime,
A matter of utmost urgency,
We must all be forever on our guard
against this rising
wave of banditry,
Yes, yes, banditry
and skulduggery...
...or our entire universe is in
danger of being stolen from under us,
My friends...
My friends, I caution you
to keep out an eagle eye
for the blackguards and rapscallions
who are perpetrating this
reign of latrociny,
Latrociny, that means stealing,
What, if it weren't for
my own eternaI vigilance,
and... and... and... and
absolute awareness of crime,
I'm certain that the rising legions
of sneak thieves and ne'er-do-wells,
and snakes in the grasses
would strip this theatre...
...bare,
Now, remember...
...make watchfulness...
...your watchword,
Thank you and good night,
Wait a minute!
I now realise television
has one major advantage
over a live stage show,
What's that?
A television, you can turn off,
Hey, Kermit!
- You guys better return that eagle!
In about 30 days... or more,
Hey, chief?
What's the closing number?
- A song with Jaye P,
It's gonna be great, At least I hope,
we've been a little rough on her,
It's a perfect song for
Jaye P, That Old Black Magic.
I only hope Jaye P, will do it,
- If the price is right, I'll do it!
Always wanted to sing,
Oh, boy, Having two J,P,s
around is really rough,
Glad you recognise talent, kid,
Maybe I'll let you keep the theatre,
Now, let's talk about
the singing contract,
Well, you see, J,P...
I'd love for you to sing and I'm sure
you've got a swell singing voice...
Yeah, well,
Introduce Jaye P, Morgan
while I handle this,
Yeah, good luck, silver tongue,
Now...
- All right, where do I sign?
Oh, boy,
Ladies and gentlemen, here is one
of the really super ladies of song,
Miss Jaye P, Morgan,
with That Old Black Magic.
We started this some time ago
and it has to end someplace,
so this must be the place,
But before we go, let
us have a warm thank you
for our very speciaI guest star,
ladies and gentlemen,
Jaye P, Morgan, yay!
Thank you, thank you,
Thank you, Kermit, it was...
You know, I've been blown
up, beaten up, insulted,
Everything's happened to me, but
I've had a great time, I mean it,
Well, it tends to be
like that around here,
And now, for my first song...
I'd like to dedicate this to the boys
at the J,P, Grosse Collection Agency,
Give me that money
Can't get enough...
See you next time
on The Muppet Show!
I wonder if anybody watches
this show besides us,
Besides me,