The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 9 - Charles Aznavour - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI
guest star, Mr, Charles Aznavour,

# It's time to play the music

# It's time to light the lights

# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

# It's time to put on makeup

# It's time to dress up right

# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

I don't approve of belly dancers, Why can't
they dance on the floor like everyone else?

# To introduce our guest star

# That's what I'm here to do

# So it really makes me happy



# To introduce to you

Mr, Charles Aznavour!

# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

# This is what we call

# The Muppet Show

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,

Fozzie, what are you doing?
- I'm checking the house,

Will you get out of here?
- Sorry,

Bonsoir, bonsoir,
mesdames et messieurs.

That's ladies and gentlemen, You'll notice
a little French sneaking into my speech,

and that's because our speciaI
guest tonight is none other

than that internationaI
star Mr, Charles Aznavour,

But right now let's raise the
curtain, strike up the band,



and get things moving
on The Muppet Show.

# Tonight

# Tonight

# Won't be just any night

Oh, he will soon be here,

Be still, my aching heart,

# I feeI pretty

# Oh, so pretty

# I feeI pretty and witty and bright

(voice becomes squeakier # And I
pity any girI who isn't me tonight

# I feeI charming

# Oh, so charming

# It's alarming how charming I feeI

# And so pretty

# That I hardly can believe I'm reaI

- # See the pretty girI in that mirror there
- # What mirror? Where?

- # Who can that attractive girI be?
- # Which? What? Where? Whom?

- # Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress
- # Whom? Whom?

- # Such a pretty smile
- # Such a pretty me

- # Such a pretty me
- # Such a pretty me

# I feeI stunning

# And entrancing

# FeeI like running
and dancing for joy

# For I'm loved

# By a pretty wonderfuI boy

Come in,
- Hiya, honey,

Ooh!

Kermit, are you busy?

Yes, Gonzo, but I can give
you my ear for a moment,

What would I do with your ear?

Van Gogh impressions,
- Oh,

Gonzo, do you have to take everything
so literally? It's just an expression,

Kermit, what I wanted to know
was... was... uh, you know,

I've noticed that I haven't been on...
on stage for the last couple of shows,

Good observation,
- Yeah, well...

Kermit, I have a lot
of fans out there, see,

who are waiting to see my
latest theatricaI creation,

Gonzo, I have seen you
eat a rubber tire to music,

and I have seen you play a
concert on your head with a mallet,

Yeah,
- And, Gonzo, my dear friend,

it doesn't work,

What? Kermit, you... I don't...

You gotta understand, I
don't play for the masses,

I'm an artist, You
understand that? An artist,

Yeah, well, then you should've
gotten my Van Gogh joke,

Listen, Gonzo, why don't
you get yourself a manager?

You know, somebody who
could guide your career,

Yeah? All right, OK,
I will, All right,

I'll do that and then you'll see,

You'll all see because there's
only one Great Gonzo, Only one!

Thank goodness for that,

Yeah, yokeI! Rube!

Hey, Hey, Kermit?
- Mm?

The Great Gonzo wants
me to manage him,

Yeah, Scooter understands
the souI of a true artist,

Mm-hmm, - Yeah, but,
Scooter, I hired you as a gofer,

Gofer coffee, gofer
sandwiches, remember?

Yeah, well, I can still do that,
but Gonzo needs personaI management,

Oh, I do, Kermit, I truly do,

Yeah, I'm gonna change
his whole repertoiry,

I'm gonna have him do a rock act,
- A rock act? But Gonzo can't sing,

No, no, I mean a rock
act, Show him, Gonzo,

Yeah, watch,

OK, hit it, kid,
- OK,

Art! Art! Art!

Out! Out! Out!

And now,
"Veterinarian's Hospital, "

the continuing story of a
former orthopedic surgeon

who's gone to the dogs.

This is D for "Doc," B for "Bob,"
saying turn off the joy juice,

Hm?

Yeah, ten-roger, OK, Now,
where were we? Uh, pulse,

Oh,

No pulse, Dr, Bob,

Heartbeat?
- No heartbeat, Dr, Bob,

No pulse, no heartbeat,
no use, He's gone,

Oh, four hours operating
and he went just like that,

Yes, doesn't the time go
fast when you're having fun?

Too bad, Dr, Bob, Your record was
so good, You saved nine out of ten,

My record is still good,
This week he was number ten,

So Dr. Bob's
record is still good.

It's now ten on the medical
hit parade, with a bullet.

Tune in next week when
we'll hear Nurse Piggy say.

I hope no one hears
about this, Dr, Bob,

Well, at least he won't say anything,

I get it!

Hilda, you can't imagine how
hungry I get before a performance,

so thank you for having
this supper sent in for me,

It is my pleasure, It's
everything that you ordered,

There is... there is roast chicken,
and salad, and French bread,

But, Hilda, this is not French bread,

Voyons, cheri, mais
j'ai I'accent francais.

Of course, I could be wrong,

George, George!
- Yeah?

Do you read very much?
- Oh, all the time,

Oh,

Do you like Kipling?
- Oh, well, I don't know,

I never Kippled,

I don't know why, but I just love you,

Well, you know how it is with
us bananas, We have appeaI,

Get it? A peeI,

What is it you do for a living?
- Oh, uh, I'm a garbageman,

That's fantastic,

Do you deliver?
- Well, yes,

Come on, baby, Let's go
do what we bananas do best,

What's that?
- Split,

Do you know what it's
like dancing with you?

No, What?

One, two, three, dip!

Aargh!

Oh, I love it, More! More!

One, two, three, dip,

Yeah! More! More!

# Oh me, oh my, oh you

# Whatever shall I do?

# Hallelujah

# The question is peculiar

# I'd give a lot of dough

# If I could only know

# The answer to my question

# Is it yes or is it no?

# Does your chewing
gum lose its flavor

# On the bedpost overnight?

# If your mother says don't chew it

# Do you swallow it in spite?

# Can you catch it on your tonsils?

# Can you heave it left and right?

# Does your chewing
gum lose its flavor

# On the bedpost overnight?

Aha!

Yee-ha!

# The nation drives as one

# To send their honored son

# To the White House

# The nation's only White House

# To voice their discontent

# Unto the president

# Upon the burning question

# That has swept this continent

The question is, how do
you drive a baby buggy?

I don't know, how do
you drive a baby buggy?

You tickle its feet!

# Does your chewing
gum lose its flavor

# On the bedpost overnight?

# If you pull it out like rubber

# Will it snap right back and bite?

# If you paste it on the left side

# Will you find it on the right?

# Does your chewing
gum lose its flavor

# On the bedpost overnight?

# On the bedpost over

# I told you that I love you
and I wanna hold you tight

# Monday Tuesday Wednesday
Thursday Friday Saturday night

# On the bedpost over

# A dollar is a dollar
and a dime is a dime

# He'd sing another chorus,
but he hasn't got the time

- # On the bedpost
overnight - Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!

OK, Charles, I can't tell you how honored
we are to have you on our show tonight,

Why, thank you, Kermit,
It's my pleasure,

Hey, listen, Can I ask you a question?
- Of course,

Well, how come Frenchmen
are so lucky in love?

Well, we have a great
advantage, you know,

The language,
- Language?

Yes, You know that French
is the language of love,

so if you want to be a great
ladies' man, learn French,

Well, that wouldn't help me, You see,
none of the girls I know speak French,

That doesn't matter, In
fact, sometimes it helps,

I don't follow,
- I will show you,

Piggy? Mademoiselle Piggy,
would you come here, please?

Mm-hm?

She doesn't speak French, I suppose?

No, she doesn't speak a word of French,
- Good,

Yes, Charles?
- Vous savez,

votre carter a une fuite et
votre transmission s'ecroule.

Oh!

Oh, Charles,
- Mm-hm,

Oh, Oh,
- Uh, oui.

Hey, listen, you really got
to her, What did you say?

I said, "Your oiI filter has a leak
and your transmission is sagging,"

That's incredible,

One more demonstration?
- Yeah,

You know what I'm gonna say?
I'm gonna whisper in her ear

the telephone number of
Paris garbage dump, you know?

Paris garbage dump,

Mademoiselle Piggy,
- Yes, Charles,

Le numero de telephone de cet
etablissement est Trudaine 2 7 67.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, Charles, Oh! Mwah! Mwah!

Oh, oh, Charles,

Oh, gee, I knew that would happen,

Charles, listen, on behalf of all the
Muppets, I wanna say how sorry we are...

Sorry? Sorry?

I just met the girI of my dreams,

Piggy? Piggy? Piggy? Piggy?

Oh, Piggy?

Well, one man's poison
is another man's bacon,

Hii-yah!

Barbarian,

I love the French tongue,
- I love pig's tongue,

Pig's tongue? I don't
get it, Ah, I know...

"You didn't order any,"

Kermit,
- Mm?

Kermit, that nephew of the theater owner,
- Scooter? What about him?

He is going to drive me to bananas,

He has gone all through the wardrobe,

He wants The Great Gonzo
to do a costume act,

W-w-what? - Hey,
chief, What do you think?

Hah,

You think the high heels are too much?

Are you guys nuts?
- Well, Scooter says that... that... that...

- ... that female impersonation is a noble art,
- Yeah,

Of all the dumb acts Gonzo's ever
come up with, this is the dumbest,

Oh, gee, my uncle loves it,
- You go on right after the dancers,

Oh, oh, good,

What do I do when I get out there?

Duck,

OK, friends, Friends, Time again to raise
the intellectuaI leveI of our program,

and our paneI tonight consists
of Sam, the American Eagle,

Peace and courage,

And Gonzo the Great,
- Art and culture,

Our own wardrobe lady, Hilda,
- Pins and needles,

And Mildred Hockstadder,
MA, PhD, OBE, and RSVP,

Oh, whatever,

Tonight's topic, what is
man's role in the universe?

To be decent and to
work hard, Next question,

Not so fast, Sam, This
is an important question,

It has been asked since
the beginning of time,

Man's role in the
universe, That's a toughie,

Oh, Gonzo, this discussion
is above your head,

Maybe you just better keep it down,

Check,
- What's he... what's he up to?

She didn't mean keep your head
down, You take things too literally,

Yeah, yeah, please, Now, we don't
have much time, so let's get hopping,

Hop, hop,
- Oh, no,

I have a feeling that we have
perhaps misunderstood the question,

Will you stop that hopping?
Who are these weird people?

Just don't pay any attention, Sam,
- Oh!

All right, I suggest that we
look carefully at what's before us

and break it down
into separate pieces,

Check,

Ow!

Heavens to the Betsy,
He means the question,

But we should be looking for the answer,
- Yes,

Well, I'll look under the table,

What is this man doing?

Oh, oh, leave him there,
It's best, believe me,

Well, as to man's
role in the universe,

I don't think he can,
- Can what?

I don't think he can
roll, In the universe,

I mean, he's not round enough to roll,

This can't be happening,
- Of course, he could enroll, yes, yes, yes,

But you can't enroll in the universe,

No, but you can enroll in the university,
- Yes,

A little Hilda ha-ha
there, - Very little,

Yeah, hey, but, listen, aren't
we ever gonna find any answers?

Yes, yes,

Well, there aren't any under
the table, that's for sure,

Will you knock it off?
- Knock it off?

Ow!

Well, uh...

Tune in next week when our distinguished
paneI will discuss the burning question,

"What are we doing here?"

Ladies and gentlemen, when I
say the words "great comedy"

it can only mean one thing, so
let's really hear it for Fozzie Bear,

Yeah, thank you, thank
you, Please don't, Stop,

Please don't, stop, Please don't stop!

Ha ha!

Oh, I can see you're all
in a great mood tonight,

Well, why ruin it with your act?

Ho, ho, ho,

I could bury you guys with one line,
- OK, what's the line?

Uh... uh...

Y-y-you just wait,
- Is that the line?

Of course it's not the line,

Look, look, I'm gonna tell
a joke and if they heckle...

If you heckle me, look out
'cause I'm ready, Just look out,

That's all I can say, just look
out, Look out, That's all I can say,

Yep, that's all he can say all right,

I learnt to handle hecklers by
working in a nightclub so tough

the hatcheck girI was a gorilla,

There were more people in
the band than in the audience

and we had a one-man band,

Uh, uh...

I remember when... Hey, hey, how
come you guys aren't heckling me?

We love it, That's funny stuff,
- Funny,

Yeah, topicaI, Hip,
- Oh, oh, Well, well, well...

At this nightclub a
party of 75 came in...

A lonely old lady, but
she didn't drink much,

Great, And I wouldn't say
conditions at the club were bad,

but when we asked where
we could take a bath...

The manager ran us through
the carwash next door,

Hey, hey, fellas,

Hey, you guys, will you please...
- Please, please, We work alone,

Aha, aha!

That was my line, My heckler line,

See how it buried... me,

Maybe we oughta go on the stage,
- Yes, There's one leaving in five minutes,

Be under it,

Don't heckle me, you
old fooI, Heckle him,

Is that a toupee you're
wearing or did your cat die?

Help! Heckler run amok, Help! Help!

Hey, Scooter, Scooter,

Scooter?
- Yeah, boss,

Scooter, would you get everybody
on stage for the closing number?

Right, boss, Oh, by the way...
- What?

I decided not to
manage The Great Gonzo,

Oh, yeah? How come?

Well, you see, I gave him the
standard 50-page manageriaI contract,

And?
- He ate it,

Well, let's hope the contract's not binding,
- Yeah,

Closing number next,

# Two and two are four

# Four and four are eight

# Eight and eight are 1 6

# 1 6 and 1 6 are 32

# Inchworm

# Inchworm

# Measuring the marigolds

# You and your arithmetic

# You'll probably go far

# Inchworm

# Inchworm

# Measuring the marigolds

# Seems to me you'd stop and see

# How beautifuI they are

Come, come, Come here,

Yes,

Oh...

You're a darling,

Mm, Mm,

# Inchworm

# Inchworm

# Measuring the marigolds

# You and your arithmetic

# You'll probably go far

# Mm, inchworm

# Inchworm

# Measuring the marigolds

# Seems to me you'd stop and see

# How beautifuI they are

# Two and two are four

# Four and four are eight

# Seems to me you'd stop and see

# How beautifuI they are

# Seems to me you'd stop and see

# How beautifuI they are

Well, another half-hour has passed by
and we've reached the end of our show,

We'd like to thank our speciaI
guest star, Mr, Charles Aznavour,

Thank you, Kermit, It's been
a wonderfuI evening for me,

The first chance I ever had to
make friends with a loaf of bread,

Oh, Charles, vous etes le plus grand.
- Merci beaucoup.

Hey, thank you all and join us
next time on The Muppet Show.

I really liked this show tonight,
- At these prices who's gonna complain?