The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 10 - Harvey Korman - full transcript
Kermit begins to worry that guest star Harvey Korman isn't having a great time because he complains of being the "token person" on the show with all the dogs, frogs, pigs and chickens as well as the fear of hoof-and-mouth disease. So the rest of the Muppets come up with a solution: dress Harvey in a chicken suit.
It's The Muppet Show, with our
speciaI guest star Mr, Harvey Korman!
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
My house is so dirty my dog buries
his bones in the living-room carpet,
I don't understand it either,
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you
Mr, Harvey Korman!
# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
Hello, everybody, and
welcome to The Muppet Show.
Hey, we got a great
show for you tonight,
and our speciaI guest is one of the funniest
people in the business, Harvey Korman,
But right now, we'd like to open
the show tonight on a high note...
Well, that's better than
opening it with a bang,
Did somebody say "bang"?
- No!
Huh!
Ah, you can't win 'em all,
- Huh!
Can you hold it down up there, please?
Right now let's get things started
with Dr, Teeth and the Electric Mayhem,
Yeah, this is Dr, Teeth, and it's
time to boogie, Three, four...
# I'm gonna explode an atom bomb
- # Doo doo skiddley doo
- # And blow a hole in your souI
- # Doo doo skiddley bam
- # I'm gonna explode an atom bomb
- # Doo doo skiddley doo
- # And blow a hole in your souI
# Doo doo skiddley bam
# I'm gonna get through to
you, baby, before I lose controI
# I'll break down your resistance
with every trick in sight
# I know I'm gonna
make you happy, baby
# I'm gonna light some dynamite
- # Doo doo skiddley doo
- # And blow open your heart
- # Doo doo skiddley bam
- # I'm gonna light some dynamite
- # Doo doo skiddley bam
- # And blow open your heart
# Doo doo skiddley bam
# I'm gonna light some dynamite
and blast a tunneI to your love
That's heavy, man,
- I like that,
Well, that was a great number,
I've always liked pantomime,
That wasn't pantomime, Your
hearing aid's busted again,
What?
Uh, I thought some of you might like to
know a little bit more about our drummer,
whom we affectionately
refer to as AnimaI,
AnimaI,
That's his name, actually, AnimaI,
why don't you tell our audience,
how long have you
been playing the drums?
Uh, ah...
One,
Two,
Three,
Four,
Five, For five years,
- Yeah, Five,
Yes, OK, Well, I guess your drums
mean a great deaI to you, huh?
Oh, yeah,
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,
Yeah,
- Mwah, Oh, nice,
You like them more
than food, I guess, huh?
They are food, Eat drums, eat cymbals,
How symbolic,
Bad pun,
- Yeah,
Listen, I imagine you
have a lot of idols,
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Buddy Rich?
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
Gene Krupa?
- Yeah, Krupa, Krupa,
Tony Checkers?
- To... Huh?
He's our new drummer,
He begins next week,
Oh!
Then again, maybe not,
My insides are killing me,
- Oh, ulcers?
No, Movers,
Ladies and gentlemen, we present
now what is considered to be
the most dangerous animaI
act in the entire world,
The incomparable Harvey Korman, better
known as Maurice the Magnificent!
Hyah!
Thank you, Now, please, shh! Shh!
You must keep quiet, You don't know,
but the thing goes berserk
when it hears loud noises,
I hate this, But
let's get it over with,
Open the cage!
It looks particularly
vicious this evening,
What a horrible animaI,
Well, I must ask you -
this is very important -
when it comes out,
don't anyone scream,
It'll tear us all to
ribbons if anyone screams,
Shh!
All right, Out,
Out, you demon! Out!
Well, this is... Shh!
Someone... someone check...
Someone check the first
row, I think a lady fainted,
No, no, no, no, no!
Not you, you demon, Back! I said back,
Back!
Back!
Sit, you demon! Sit!
Over here, you...
Now, listen to me,
Give me your full attention,
Speak,
Speak, you demon, speak!
I hardly know where to begin,
I was rereading Balzac the
other day, only in translation...
Enough!
Mm, you're very good
with that whip, Maurice,
Quiet!
- Maurice is such a good animaI trainer,
He got so much patience and
courage and persistence...
Shut up! You
black-hearted hell hound,
And love,
What a sweet man,
Get away from me!
Get away!
Now, boy, listen to me,
Here's the best part,
I hate it, but it's the best part,
Listen, boy, I want you to dance,
Dance, you demon, dance!
Come on, dance, Move it!
Dance, ballerina, dance!
Move it!
That's it, More Iyric, That's it,
- Oh,
This is really an easy trick,
I wanted to ride a pony around the
stage, but Maurice is afraid of ponies,
Dance, Come on, you meaty lummox!
Dance!
Dance!
Waltz,
Dance, you beast,
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing? No! No!
Somebody stop him, Somebody stop him!
Help! Help!
Help! He's run amuck! He's run amuck!
Someone help me! Help!
Thank you, Thank you,
OK, once again it is time to
raise... Just a second, everyone,
Once again, it's time to raise the
intellectuaI leveI of the program
as we address ourselves to the topic,
"What is the meaning of life?"
Indeed,
- Of course,
Hear, hear,
- It's a fairly simple subject,
Let's start off with our guest
panelist, Mr, Harvey Korman,
Thank you, I think that life is
a great deaI like a tennis game,
Oh, no, it isn't,
Oh, yes, it is,
No, it isn't,
- Yes, it is,
No, it isn't,
- Yes, it is,
Life is nothing like a tennis game,
In a pig's eye, it isn't,
- Is that some kind of slam at me?
The ball is in your court, Harvey,
The score is pig, five, guest, nothing,
Well, it's the first time
that pig's scored in her life,
Wait a minute, wait a minute...
- Out of the way, Let me get through there,
Can we have a little order here, please?
- Yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye,
That is the most insulting
thing I ever heard,
Listen, life is a garbage
dump, if you want the truth,
I think that my originaI analysis that
life is a tennis game will stand up,
Well, I'm standing up, I'm sick of...
- Please, sit down, sit down,
You really think life is
like a tennis game, huh?
Is a pig pork?
- What's that supposed to mean?
Yeah, it means, uh,
yes, I agree, of course,
Life is like a tennis game, That's
as clear as the nose on your face,
That's some honker you got there,
How would you like a pig
knuckle sandwich, you...
Oh, take it to the deli, lady,
Please, please, We are digressing,
We are digressing, Can we at last get
back to the issue? And the issue is life,
Oh, I have the last issue of Life.
- What?
Yeah, before they stopped publishing,
Could be worth a pretty penny,
Hey, I knew a pretty Penny once,
Penny Ferguson, Used to be a dancer,
I love to dance,
- Hey, what are you doing after the show?
I've got a date,
- Oh, well,
That's life,
Once again we've solved the problem,
- We did, We solved it,
Join us again next week when our subject
will be, "Is conversation a dying art?"
Yeah, you can get quite an
education watching this show,
Are we watching the same show?
Oh, my beloved George, even though
we come from two different worlds
I find myself strangely
attracted to you,
Yeah, I feeI the same way,
You mean you're attracted to me?
No, To me, Weird, huh?
Say, how do you think
I'd look in a porkpie hat?
Oh, no, you couldn't, It'd be
like wearing one of our relatives,
Hey, do you wanna come over to my
place and listen to the Beatles?
Oh, I love their music,
What music? I mean reaI beetles,
And some termites, and some...
Boy, does that guy have a swelled head,
- Conceited, huh?
No, he's just got a
swelled head, Look out!
Hi, Harvey, Hey, you know what?
You know, we've been up all
night worrying about ecology,
I'm right in the middle of a show, I
don't have time to worry about ecology,
Well, it's easy for you, but if all
those trees go, we're in big trouble,
It's really great working with dogs,
Yeah?
All right, everybody, let's jam,
Jam! Jam!
Do it, AnimaI!
Jam!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Mmm,
Yeah!
Whoa, I love him!
Come on! Yeah!
Jam!
Ow!
Yeah!
Jam! Jam!
Yeah!
Jam!
- All right!
Wah!
Yeah!
Jam!
Jam!
- Whoo!
Jam!
- Go, AnimaI!
Jam!
Jam!
Yeah!
Jam, jam, jam, jam!
Jam, jam, jam!
Jam, jam!
Jam! Jam! Jam!
- Come on!
Whoo! Jam!
Thank you very much,
Jam! Jam!
Jam! Jam! Jam!
Now, how are you
enjoying the show, Harvey?
Well, I don't know,
Oh, well, that's funny, you know,
When I ask that, most of our guest
stars say they're having a great time,
Yeah, well,
- Aren't you having a great time?
You know, Kermit, you and I
are good friends, aren't we?
You want me to tell you
the truth, don't you?
Only if you're having a great time,
Otherwise you have my
permission to lie like crazy,
I can't lie to you, I've
got to tell you how I feeI,
"All right," says the frog,
preparing himself to face the music,
"What is the major problem?"
The major problem is that I...
I'm the only human being on this show,
How... how's that again?
You heard me, I'm the
token person around here,
Gee, We've never had
that complaint before,
Yeah, well, you got it now, How'd you
like to sit around the dressing room
surrounded by dogs and
frogs and pigs and chickens?
Gee, I've never really
thought about it,
Yeah, well, think about it, I mean,
on other shows you get stage fright,
Here you get
hoof-and-mouth disease,
Gee, Harvey, I didn't realize you dislike
dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens,
No, I like dogs and frogs and pigs
and chickens, That's not the point,
The point is I just feeI funny about
being the only human being here,
Don't you understand?
- Oh! Oh!
Well, I can fix that,
Hey, guys, come on in,
Wait a minute,
- Take care of him,
Please, Wait, no, Stop, Wait,
no, hold it, Wait, Please,
Piggy, please, I'm
ticklish, Please, no, Argh!
That's right,
- That's better,
Oh, well, Does that make
you feeI better, Harvey?
I'm sorry, I don't have time
to talk now, Kermit, I...
I've got to get
backstage and lay an egg,
Well, to me there's nothing
funny about chickens,
What the...?
Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
And now,
"Veterinarian's Hospital, "
the continuing story of a former
orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Anesthetic,
- Anesthetic, Dr, Bob,
Is this operation really nec...?
ScalpeI, No, suture, Suture,
- Suture, Dr, Bob,
Suture, Suture, Yeah, ScalpeI,
- ScalpeI, Dr, Bob,
Argh!
- Ooh!
How long have you been a nurse?
- Well, what time is it?
Dr, Bob, your hand is
shaking, What's the trouble?
That's my nerves, I'm
overworked and underpaid,
This is my tenth operation
today, The hours are interminable,
Yes, but we must get
on with this operation,
This man has a bad case of hiccups,
It must be gas,
Oh, he's in bad shape,
- He's in bad shape?
What about me? Doesn't
anybody ever think about me?
We're losing time, Dr, Bob,
- So?
I'm losing my mind, Day in and
day out it's the same old routine,
Oh, but, Dr, Bob...
I'm up to my ears in debt, my wife is
leaving me, I'm being sued for malpractice,
And all you can say is, "But, Dr, Bob,"
But, Dr, Bob,
- But, Dr, Bob,
I tell you, I'm telling you, I'm
so on edge I'm about to explode!
So Dr. Bob is going to
pieces, and so is his patient.
Tune in next week, when
we'll hear the nurse say...
Dr, Bob, You've gotta
pull yourself together,
I'll try,
- Not you, him,
I'd better quit while I'm ahead,
Oh!
I often get a tear in my eye
when I introduce this next act,
Oh, Oh!
There's one right there, you see?
You see, because they represent to me
the very best this show has to offer,
Indeed, the very best
this country has to offer,
So here they are now, just as
sweet offstage as they are on,
Wayne and Wanda,
Oh, I need a hanky,
# I get no kick from champagne
# Mere alcohoI doesn't
thrill me at all
# So tell me why should it be true
# That I get a kick...
Ow!
Now, you see why...
Company ten-hut!
Forward... hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
How do you get out of
this chicken outfit?
What do you want?
What? Huh!
OK, time once again for
that furry fuzzy funnyman,
fabulous, freewheeling,
fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Not so fast, Tonight, I am
going to use your assistance,
Oh, yeah?
- Yes, sir,
You and I are going to tell
the world's funniest joke,
Is that right?
- This is all spontaneous, Unrehearsed,
Right, Froggie?
- It's unrehearsed, Yes,
OK, OK, Now, frog of my heart...
- Yes,
You will just wait untiI
I say the word "here,"
When you hear me say the word "here,"
you will rush up to me and say:
"Good grief, the comedian's a bear,"
Good grief, the comedian's a bear,
- Check,
When you say the word "here"?
- Right,
Gotcha,
- OK, here we go,
Ready? OK, here we go, Now then,
Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a
wonderfuI-looking audience,
It's a pleasure to be here, I...
Good grief, the comedian's a bear!
- Not yet!
You just said "here,"
- That was the wrong "here,"
Which is the right "here"?
- The other "here,"
Right,
- Go, go, go, OK,
Hey, hey, folks, This is a
story you're gonna love to hear,
Good grief, the comedian's a bear!
- Will you stop it?!
But you said "here,"
- Not that "here,"
Well, which "here"?
- Another "here,"
How am I gonna know?
- You'll know when you hear!
Good grief, the comedian's a bear!
- Not now!
All right, All right, Listen,
- Yes, What?
You will know when I point to you,
All right, Don't grumble,
Say, a funny thing happened to
me on the way to the theatre,
At the stage door, I passed a bunch
of Muppet fans, and suddenly I hear...
Good grief, the comedian's a bear,
No, he's a-not, he's
a-wearing a neck-a-tie,
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Did you understand that joke?
- No,
But I don't speak Italian,
Here is a Muppet news flash,
Middleweight champion CarI Boomer says
that since he has defeated all
challengers in the middleweight ranks,
he will defend his title
next week against himself,
We go now to Boomer's
training camp, Tell us, CarI,
do you think this
will be a tough fight?
Well, Muppet reporter, it will
probably be one of my toughest,
but I think I will be able to
knock myself out in the tenth round,
In the first few rounds, I will work on
my body blows, Be-dah-bah-bah! De-bah-bah!
Then I'll go for my head,
Be-dah-bah-bah-bah-bah!
CarI's body may last two rounds,
but I think his head has
already gone down for the count,
# Halfway down the stairs
# Is a stair where I sit
# There isn't any other
stair quite like it
# I'm not at the bottom
# I'm not at the top
# So this is the stair
where I always stop
# Halfway up the stairs
# Isn't up and isn't down
# It isn't in the nursery
# It isn't in the town
# And all sorts of funny thoughts
# Run round my head
# "It isn't really anywhere"
# "It's somewhere else instead"
# Halfway down the stairs
# Is a stair where I sit
# There isn't any other
stair quite like it
# I'm not at the bottom
# I'm not at the top
# So this is the stair
# Where I always stop
Well, that's about all we can squeeze
into a half-hour for this week,
We've had a great time, and we'd specially
like to thank our very talented guest star
Chicken Little,
Now stop that,
- Oh, I'm sorry about that, Harv,
Mr, Harvey Korman! And we'll see
you all next week on The Muppet Show!
Well, the show tonight
certainly didn't lay an egg,
Wanna bet?
speciaI guest star Mr, Harvey Korman!
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
My house is so dirty my dog buries
his bones in the living-room carpet,
I don't understand it either,
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you
Mr, Harvey Korman!
# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
Hello, everybody, and
welcome to The Muppet Show.
Hey, we got a great
show for you tonight,
and our speciaI guest is one of the funniest
people in the business, Harvey Korman,
But right now, we'd like to open
the show tonight on a high note...
Well, that's better than
opening it with a bang,
Did somebody say "bang"?
- No!
Huh!
Ah, you can't win 'em all,
- Huh!
Can you hold it down up there, please?
Right now let's get things started
with Dr, Teeth and the Electric Mayhem,
Yeah, this is Dr, Teeth, and it's
time to boogie, Three, four...
# I'm gonna explode an atom bomb
- # Doo doo skiddley doo
- # And blow a hole in your souI
- # Doo doo skiddley bam
- # I'm gonna explode an atom bomb
- # Doo doo skiddley doo
- # And blow a hole in your souI
# Doo doo skiddley bam
# I'm gonna get through to
you, baby, before I lose controI
# I'll break down your resistance
with every trick in sight
# I know I'm gonna
make you happy, baby
# I'm gonna light some dynamite
- # Doo doo skiddley doo
- # And blow open your heart
- # Doo doo skiddley bam
- # I'm gonna light some dynamite
- # Doo doo skiddley bam
- # And blow open your heart
# Doo doo skiddley bam
# I'm gonna light some dynamite
and blast a tunneI to your love
That's heavy, man,
- I like that,
Well, that was a great number,
I've always liked pantomime,
That wasn't pantomime, Your
hearing aid's busted again,
What?
Uh, I thought some of you might like to
know a little bit more about our drummer,
whom we affectionately
refer to as AnimaI,
AnimaI,
That's his name, actually, AnimaI,
why don't you tell our audience,
how long have you
been playing the drums?
Uh, ah...
One,
Two,
Three,
Four,
Five, For five years,
- Yeah, Five,
Yes, OK, Well, I guess your drums
mean a great deaI to you, huh?
Oh, yeah,
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,
Yeah,
- Mwah, Oh, nice,
You like them more
than food, I guess, huh?
They are food, Eat drums, eat cymbals,
How symbolic,
Bad pun,
- Yeah,
Listen, I imagine you
have a lot of idols,
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Buddy Rich?
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
Gene Krupa?
- Yeah, Krupa, Krupa,
Tony Checkers?
- To... Huh?
He's our new drummer,
He begins next week,
Oh!
Then again, maybe not,
My insides are killing me,
- Oh, ulcers?
No, Movers,
Ladies and gentlemen, we present
now what is considered to be
the most dangerous animaI
act in the entire world,
The incomparable Harvey Korman, better
known as Maurice the Magnificent!
Hyah!
Thank you, Now, please, shh! Shh!
You must keep quiet, You don't know,
but the thing goes berserk
when it hears loud noises,
I hate this, But
let's get it over with,
Open the cage!
It looks particularly
vicious this evening,
What a horrible animaI,
Well, I must ask you -
this is very important -
when it comes out,
don't anyone scream,
It'll tear us all to
ribbons if anyone screams,
Shh!
All right, Out,
Out, you demon! Out!
Well, this is... Shh!
Someone... someone check...
Someone check the first
row, I think a lady fainted,
No, no, no, no, no!
Not you, you demon, Back! I said back,
Back!
Back!
Sit, you demon! Sit!
Over here, you...
Now, listen to me,
Give me your full attention,
Speak,
Speak, you demon, speak!
I hardly know where to begin,
I was rereading Balzac the
other day, only in translation...
Enough!
Mm, you're very good
with that whip, Maurice,
Quiet!
- Maurice is such a good animaI trainer,
He got so much patience and
courage and persistence...
Shut up! You
black-hearted hell hound,
And love,
What a sweet man,
Get away from me!
Get away!
Now, boy, listen to me,
Here's the best part,
I hate it, but it's the best part,
Listen, boy, I want you to dance,
Dance, you demon, dance!
Come on, dance, Move it!
Dance, ballerina, dance!
Move it!
That's it, More Iyric, That's it,
- Oh,
This is really an easy trick,
I wanted to ride a pony around the
stage, but Maurice is afraid of ponies,
Dance, Come on, you meaty lummox!
Dance!
Dance!
Waltz,
Dance, you beast,
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing? No! No!
Somebody stop him, Somebody stop him!
Help! Help!
Help! He's run amuck! He's run amuck!
Someone help me! Help!
Thank you, Thank you,
OK, once again it is time to
raise... Just a second, everyone,
Once again, it's time to raise the
intellectuaI leveI of the program
as we address ourselves to the topic,
"What is the meaning of life?"
Indeed,
- Of course,
Hear, hear,
- It's a fairly simple subject,
Let's start off with our guest
panelist, Mr, Harvey Korman,
Thank you, I think that life is
a great deaI like a tennis game,
Oh, no, it isn't,
Oh, yes, it is,
No, it isn't,
- Yes, it is,
No, it isn't,
- Yes, it is,
Life is nothing like a tennis game,
In a pig's eye, it isn't,
- Is that some kind of slam at me?
The ball is in your court, Harvey,
The score is pig, five, guest, nothing,
Well, it's the first time
that pig's scored in her life,
Wait a minute, wait a minute...
- Out of the way, Let me get through there,
Can we have a little order here, please?
- Yeah, I'll have a ham and cheese on rye,
That is the most insulting
thing I ever heard,
Listen, life is a garbage
dump, if you want the truth,
I think that my originaI analysis that
life is a tennis game will stand up,
Well, I'm standing up, I'm sick of...
- Please, sit down, sit down,
You really think life is
like a tennis game, huh?
Is a pig pork?
- What's that supposed to mean?
Yeah, it means, uh,
yes, I agree, of course,
Life is like a tennis game, That's
as clear as the nose on your face,
That's some honker you got there,
How would you like a pig
knuckle sandwich, you...
Oh, take it to the deli, lady,
Please, please, We are digressing,
We are digressing, Can we at last get
back to the issue? And the issue is life,
Oh, I have the last issue of Life.
- What?
Yeah, before they stopped publishing,
Could be worth a pretty penny,
Hey, I knew a pretty Penny once,
Penny Ferguson, Used to be a dancer,
I love to dance,
- Hey, what are you doing after the show?
I've got a date,
- Oh, well,
That's life,
Once again we've solved the problem,
- We did, We solved it,
Join us again next week when our subject
will be, "Is conversation a dying art?"
Yeah, you can get quite an
education watching this show,
Are we watching the same show?
Oh, my beloved George, even though
we come from two different worlds
I find myself strangely
attracted to you,
Yeah, I feeI the same way,
You mean you're attracted to me?
No, To me, Weird, huh?
Say, how do you think
I'd look in a porkpie hat?
Oh, no, you couldn't, It'd be
like wearing one of our relatives,
Hey, do you wanna come over to my
place and listen to the Beatles?
Oh, I love their music,
What music? I mean reaI beetles,
And some termites, and some...
Boy, does that guy have a swelled head,
- Conceited, huh?
No, he's just got a
swelled head, Look out!
Hi, Harvey, Hey, you know what?
You know, we've been up all
night worrying about ecology,
I'm right in the middle of a show, I
don't have time to worry about ecology,
Well, it's easy for you, but if all
those trees go, we're in big trouble,
It's really great working with dogs,
Yeah?
All right, everybody, let's jam,
Jam! Jam!
Do it, AnimaI!
Jam!
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Mmm,
Yeah!
Whoa, I love him!
Come on! Yeah!
Jam!
Ow!
Yeah!
Jam! Jam!
Yeah!
Jam!
- All right!
Wah!
Yeah!
Jam!
Jam!
- Whoo!
Jam!
- Go, AnimaI!
Jam!
Jam!
Yeah!
Jam, jam, jam, jam!
Jam, jam, jam!
Jam, jam!
Jam! Jam! Jam!
- Come on!
Whoo! Jam!
Thank you very much,
Jam! Jam!
Jam! Jam! Jam!
Now, how are you
enjoying the show, Harvey?
Well, I don't know,
Oh, well, that's funny, you know,
When I ask that, most of our guest
stars say they're having a great time,
Yeah, well,
- Aren't you having a great time?
You know, Kermit, you and I
are good friends, aren't we?
You want me to tell you
the truth, don't you?
Only if you're having a great time,
Otherwise you have my
permission to lie like crazy,
I can't lie to you, I've
got to tell you how I feeI,
"All right," says the frog,
preparing himself to face the music,
"What is the major problem?"
The major problem is that I...
I'm the only human being on this show,
How... how's that again?
You heard me, I'm the
token person around here,
Gee, We've never had
that complaint before,
Yeah, well, you got it now, How'd you
like to sit around the dressing room
surrounded by dogs and
frogs and pigs and chickens?
Gee, I've never really
thought about it,
Yeah, well, think about it, I mean,
on other shows you get stage fright,
Here you get
hoof-and-mouth disease,
Gee, Harvey, I didn't realize you dislike
dogs and frogs and pigs and chickens,
No, I like dogs and frogs and pigs
and chickens, That's not the point,
The point is I just feeI funny about
being the only human being here,
Don't you understand?
- Oh! Oh!
Well, I can fix that,
Hey, guys, come on in,
Wait a minute,
- Take care of him,
Please, Wait, no, Stop, Wait,
no, hold it, Wait, Please,
Piggy, please, I'm
ticklish, Please, no, Argh!
That's right,
- That's better,
Oh, well, Does that make
you feeI better, Harvey?
I'm sorry, I don't have time
to talk now, Kermit, I...
I've got to get
backstage and lay an egg,
Well, to me there's nothing
funny about chickens,
What the...?
Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
And now,
"Veterinarian's Hospital, "
the continuing story of a former
orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
Anesthetic,
- Anesthetic, Dr, Bob,
Is this operation really nec...?
ScalpeI, No, suture, Suture,
- Suture, Dr, Bob,
Suture, Suture, Yeah, ScalpeI,
- ScalpeI, Dr, Bob,
Argh!
- Ooh!
How long have you been a nurse?
- Well, what time is it?
Dr, Bob, your hand is
shaking, What's the trouble?
That's my nerves, I'm
overworked and underpaid,
This is my tenth operation
today, The hours are interminable,
Yes, but we must get
on with this operation,
This man has a bad case of hiccups,
It must be gas,
Oh, he's in bad shape,
- He's in bad shape?
What about me? Doesn't
anybody ever think about me?
We're losing time, Dr, Bob,
- So?
I'm losing my mind, Day in and
day out it's the same old routine,
Oh, but, Dr, Bob...
I'm up to my ears in debt, my wife is
leaving me, I'm being sued for malpractice,
And all you can say is, "But, Dr, Bob,"
But, Dr, Bob,
- But, Dr, Bob,
I tell you, I'm telling you, I'm
so on edge I'm about to explode!
So Dr. Bob is going to
pieces, and so is his patient.
Tune in next week, when
we'll hear the nurse say...
Dr, Bob, You've gotta
pull yourself together,
I'll try,
- Not you, him,
I'd better quit while I'm ahead,
Oh!
I often get a tear in my eye
when I introduce this next act,
Oh, Oh!
There's one right there, you see?
You see, because they represent to me
the very best this show has to offer,
Indeed, the very best
this country has to offer,
So here they are now, just as
sweet offstage as they are on,
Wayne and Wanda,
Oh, I need a hanky,
# I get no kick from champagne
# Mere alcohoI doesn't
thrill me at all
# So tell me why should it be true
# That I get a kick...
Ow!
Now, you see why...
Company ten-hut!
Forward... hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
How do you get out of
this chicken outfit?
What do you want?
What? Huh!
OK, time once again for
that furry fuzzy funnyman,
fabulous, freewheeling,
fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Not so fast, Tonight, I am
going to use your assistance,
Oh, yeah?
- Yes, sir,
You and I are going to tell
the world's funniest joke,
Is that right?
- This is all spontaneous, Unrehearsed,
Right, Froggie?
- It's unrehearsed, Yes,
OK, OK, Now, frog of my heart...
- Yes,
You will just wait untiI
I say the word "here,"
When you hear me say the word "here,"
you will rush up to me and say:
"Good grief, the comedian's a bear,"
Good grief, the comedian's a bear,
- Check,
When you say the word "here"?
- Right,
Gotcha,
- OK, here we go,
Ready? OK, here we go, Now then,
Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a
wonderfuI-looking audience,
It's a pleasure to be here, I...
Good grief, the comedian's a bear!
- Not yet!
You just said "here,"
- That was the wrong "here,"
Which is the right "here"?
- The other "here,"
Right,
- Go, go, go, OK,
Hey, hey, folks, This is a
story you're gonna love to hear,
Good grief, the comedian's a bear!
- Will you stop it?!
But you said "here,"
- Not that "here,"
Well, which "here"?
- Another "here,"
How am I gonna know?
- You'll know when you hear!
Good grief, the comedian's a bear!
- Not now!
All right, All right, Listen,
- Yes, What?
You will know when I point to you,
All right, Don't grumble,
Say, a funny thing happened to
me on the way to the theatre,
At the stage door, I passed a bunch
of Muppet fans, and suddenly I hear...
Good grief, the comedian's a bear,
No, he's a-not, he's
a-wearing a neck-a-tie,
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Did you understand that joke?
- No,
But I don't speak Italian,
Here is a Muppet news flash,
Middleweight champion CarI Boomer says
that since he has defeated all
challengers in the middleweight ranks,
he will defend his title
next week against himself,
We go now to Boomer's
training camp, Tell us, CarI,
do you think this
will be a tough fight?
Well, Muppet reporter, it will
probably be one of my toughest,
but I think I will be able to
knock myself out in the tenth round,
In the first few rounds, I will work on
my body blows, Be-dah-bah-bah! De-bah-bah!
Then I'll go for my head,
Be-dah-bah-bah-bah-bah!
CarI's body may last two rounds,
but I think his head has
already gone down for the count,
# Halfway down the stairs
# Is a stair where I sit
# There isn't any other
stair quite like it
# I'm not at the bottom
# I'm not at the top
# So this is the stair
where I always stop
# Halfway up the stairs
# Isn't up and isn't down
# It isn't in the nursery
# It isn't in the town
# And all sorts of funny thoughts
# Run round my head
# "It isn't really anywhere"
# "It's somewhere else instead"
# Halfway down the stairs
# Is a stair where I sit
# There isn't any other
stair quite like it
# I'm not at the bottom
# I'm not at the top
# So this is the stair
# Where I always stop
Well, that's about all we can squeeze
into a half-hour for this week,
We've had a great time, and we'd specially
like to thank our very talented guest star
Chicken Little,
Now stop that,
- Oh, I'm sorry about that, Harv,
Mr, Harvey Korman! And we'll see
you all next week on The Muppet Show!
Well, the show tonight
certainly didn't lay an egg,
Wanna bet?