The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 11 - Lena Horne - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show,

with our special guest star,
Ms. Lena Horne!

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time
to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Uh, I bet on a horse
that came in so late,

they had to pay the jockey
time and a half.



Ha-ha.

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you...

Ms. Lena Horne!

♪ But now
let's get things started

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

(foghorn)

(laughter)

(applause)



Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

And good evening,
ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

and dogs and frogs,
and pigs and chickens,

and welcome
to The Muppet Show.

Hey, we are particularly
happy tonight

to have with us
as our special guest star

the talented, the beautiful

and the indefatigable
Ms. Lena Horne.

But right now, we're gonna
start off the show

with an act that was discovered
by George our janitor.

And here it is,
right from the cleaning room into your living room -

The Ragg Mopps!

(♪ show music)

♪ M

♪ I say M-O

♪ M-O-P

♪ M-O-P-P

♪ Mopp

♪ M-O-P-P, mopp,
mopp, mopp, mopp

♪ R

♪ I say R-A

♪ R-A-G

♪ R-A-G-G

♪ Ragg

♪ R-A-G-G M-O-P-P

♪ Ragg mopp

♪ Ragg mopp

♪ Ragg mopp

♪ Ragg mopp

♪ Ragg mopp

♪ R-A-G-G M-O-P-P

♪ Ragg mopp

♪ A

♪ I say A, B

♪ A, B, C

♪ A, B, C, D

♪ A, B, C, D, E

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H

♪ Ragg mopp
♪ Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

♪ Ragg mopp
♪ Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

♪ Ragg mopp
♪ Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

♪ Ragg mopp
♪ Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

♪ Ragg mopp
♪ Doo-de-dup dah dee-yadah

♪ R-A-G-G M-O-P-P

♪ Ragg mopp ♪

Yeah. Now, that's
my kind of act.

(final chord)

That kind of act
only comes once in a lifetime.

If you're lucky.

OK, OK. Good number.
Good number, you guys.

Good number. George,
clean up your act.

Kermit. Kermit, is it true
what I've heard,

that I'm not doing my song
in the show tonight?

That's true.
Why?

Well, Piggy,
because Lena Horne is our guest this week.

And... how can I say this?

There are singers,
and there are singers.

You catch my drift?

Oh, and...
and you don't want me

to overshadow Ms. Horne.

Oh, of course, you're right.
What a considerate frog.

Oh.

Ignorance is truly bliss.

Ms. Horne on next.
Ms. Horne on next.

(plays trumpet)

No, not you.
The wrong Ms. Horne.

(plays trumpet)

And now it is my great pleasure
to present a performer

whose name is synonymous
with style, taste and talent -

the incredible Ms. Lena Horne.

(♪ "I've Got A Name"
by Jim Croce)

♪ Like the pine tree
lining a winding road

♪ I got a name

♪ I got a name

♪ Like the singing bird
or the croaking toad

♪ I got a name

♪ I got a name

♪ And I carry it with me

♪ Like my daddy did

♪ But I'm living a dream

♪ That he kept hid

♪ Moving me down the highway

♪ Rolling me
down the highway

♪ Moving ahead so life

♪ Won't pass me by

♪ Like the fool I am

♪ And I'll always be

♪ I got a dream

♪ I got a dream

♪ They can change their minds

♪ But they can't change me,
no, no, no, no

♪ I got a dream, yeah

♪ I got a dream

♪ I know I could share it

♪ If you want me to

♪ If you're going my way

♪ I'll go with you

♪ Moving me down the highway

♪ Rolling me
down the highway

♪ Moving ahead so life

♪ Won't pass me by

♪ Oh, oh, oh, yeah

♪ Moving me down the highway

♪ Rolling me
down the highway

♪ Moving ahead so life

♪ Won't pass me by ♪

I could listen to her sing
till the end of time.

She doesn't sing that.
Not her style. No.

No, no, no. I mean I could
listen to her sing forever.

No, she doesn't
sing that, either.

Why don't you just
check yourself into the old fools' home

while they still
have a bed left?

Kermit. Kermit?
Yeah.

My love,
I've been thinking. What?

The consideration
that you've shown Lena Horne

has only reinforced
my undying love for you.

Yeah.
Oh, kiss me quick!

Piggy, I appreciate
the fact

that you find me
attractive,

every frog wants
to be needed,

but there is
no room in my life

for, ahem, romance
at this time, thank you.

(gasps)

Oh, I'm crushed.

I'm destroyed. My life
has no meaning. It -

It-It's over.
It's over. Piggy, listen -

The sun will never shine
on this pig.

O death, death,
where is thy sting?

Uh...

(hyperventilating)

Uh, Piggy, aren't you
just overdoing it a little bit?

Uh, maybe.

Here's a Muppet news flash.

Mrs. Lola Bramswell
of Covington, Kentucky,

has come upon
a most unique diet.

For the past ten years,
she has eaten nothing but seaweed.

Tell us, Mrs. Bramswell,
has eating only seaweed presented any problems?

No, not really.

Except that twice a day,

I find myself going
in and out with the tide.

That's not easy to do
in Kentucky.

(♪ tea dance music)

George. George.
Huh?

Do you like circuses?
Oh, I love 'em.

Oh, then you must
like Ringling.

I don't know.
I never ringled.

Will you love me
forever?

I don't know, baby.
Ask me again in a million years.

You know, my aunt has a chest
that goes back to 1700.

Wow. That must make it
tough on your uncle.

Yes...

You know, they say
the children of today

are the parents
of tomorrow.

Ooh, I always thought
it took longer than that.

You know what really
bugs me about you?

What?
Your temper.

You're always
blowing your top. Oh, yeah?

(gasps)

(♪ "Theme from 'Love Story'"
by Henry Mancini)

(haunting sax solo)

(sniffs)

(sobs)

Lena, you know, we are
so pleased to have you with us on the show tonight.

You have long been
one of our favorites.

Oh, thank you.
And I'm a big fan of you and the Muppets, Kermit.

Oh, well, that makes
us all very happy,

because we on the...
Psst. Psst. Psst.

We -
Psst. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha.

Fozzie. Excuse me a minute.
Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha, hoo-ha.

Fozzie, what is it?
What is it?

It's "us"
and "we" and "ours."

But only you, the frog, get to
talk to the guest star. Ho-ho.

Well, Fozzie, see,
I'm speaking for everybody.

Oh, sure, sure.
But the guest stars only get to know you, not me.

Yeah, but -
That's right. That's right.

They will never know
that I am a great comedian,

and they will never know
that-that my family was in show business

and-and that I'm sensitive,
intelligent,

and, yes, I'll even
say it - talented.

Well, look, Fozzie,
it's just that - Excuse me.

But aren't you Fozzie Bear,
the great comedian?

What?

Yes. A sensitive
and intelligent person like you

must be
a great comedian.

Oh.

Well, there you are,
Fozzie, huh?

Wow. You mean,
you actually know me?

Listen, when you've
made a name for yourself in show business,

everybody knows you,
so it's...

it's only natural
that I would know the great Fozzie Bear.

Ah.

Sure. Just as it's only natural
that you would know Lena Horne.

Lena Horne?
Oh, I love Lena Horne.

Yes, she's terrific.
I mean, she's great. Don't you?

Yeah, I think
she's terrific and great, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, she's gonna
be a guest on our show one of these weeks. Mm-hmm.

Fozzie, she is a guest.

This week.

(stammers) She's
a guest this week? Yes.

On this show here?
Mm-hmm.

Oh, wow, wow.
That's great.

I don't wanna miss Lena Horne.
Are you gonna stick around and see her?

I might just do that.

Oh, yeah. I-I-I didn't
get your name.

Day. Doris Day.

Cute. Cute name.

You know, with a name like that,
you should be in show business.

Fozzie, will you
get out of here?!

I'll wait for you
outside, Ms. Day.

I'm sorry about that,
Lena.

Sometimes
he's just un-bear-able.

Cute. Cute-o.

(sings in mock Swedish)

(speaks in mock Swedish)

Der good spaghett.
Dis here der good spaghett...

Come hereski.

Is squiggly worm.
Der wiggly squiggly scoo.

Scooby doo.

Come here. Come here.

Thankoo.

(growling)

And now, once again,
ladies and gentlemen,

The Great Gonzo has dug deep
into his limitless repertoire

and has come up with an act

the likes of which
has never been seen before.

So let's give a big hand
to The Great Gonzo.

OK, thank you.

Tonight,

I present a unique version
of "Pop Goes the Weasel,"

with a surprise ending.

(pop)

(audience boos)

Hey, it wasn't my fault!

Aw, you yokels, I quit!

Gonzo...
what's the matter?

Oh, gee, Ms. Horne,
it's really depressing.

You hear them
booing out there?

Sometimes
it takes a long time

for an artist
to be appreciated.

But as long as one person
appreciates you,

you just gotta
keep on trying.

And as for me,
I think you're fantastic.

I don't know what to say.

Well, listen.

♪ In this world
of ordinary people

♪ Extraordinary people

♪ I'm glad there is you

♪ In this world
of overrated pleasures

♪ And underrated treasures

♪ I'm glad there is you

♪ I'll live to love

♪ I love to live
with you beside me

♪ This role's so new

♪ I'll muddle through
with you to guide me

♪ In this world

♪ Where many, many
play at love

♪ And hardly any
stay in love

♪ I'm glad there is you

♪ More than ever

♪ I'm glad there is you ♪

Thank you, Lena.

You're great, Gonzo.

Aw...

Boy, oh, boy. It sure is great
being in the show business, chief.

Yeah, Scooter,
but I tell you, this isn't an easy job.

Sometimes in this business,
you have to be ruthless, merciless and cruel.

In what way, chief?

I just cut Piggy's song
from the show. Why?

'Cause there's no way
she could follow the great Lena Horne.

She'd look ludicrous.
Yeah.

Yeah, but these are
command decisions, Scooter.

It's lonely at the top.

He's right. Yeah.

I've gotta be ruthless,
merciless and cruel.

Oh, how kind
my Kermit is,

not wanting me
to overshadow Lena Horne.

Oh, no, no, no.

He cut your number
so you wouldn't look ludicrous.

What?!

I'm sorry.

You see, I've
gotta be ruthless, merciless and cruel.

Cruel? I'll show you
cruel, kid. Hii-yah!

Kermit never told me
about this part.

Part this.
Hii-yah!

And now it's time
for that riotous,

mirthful bundle of laughs,
Mr. Fozzie Bear!

Thank you.
Oh, boy, oh, boy,

what a fantastic
audience you are.

No, I mean it. I mean it.
I've seen audiences come, and I've seen 'em go.

Well, you're seeing 'em go now,
right out the door.

Says you.
That's right.

Says you.
That's right.

Says you.
You better have a way out of this.

I do. I do.
Says you.

Sessue Hayakawa.

(both) Huh?

Sessue Hayakawa,
a great Japanese actor.

And speaking
of Japanese actors,

did you know "Toshiro Mifune"
means "no smoking" in Japanese?

Ha-ha.

Well, he's
either brilliant,

or that's
the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Aw, you can't stop
the old Fozzie tonight.

I'm really cooking.
I'm one rare bear. Ha-ha.

You're a square bear
that ought to be served medium rare.

And now my tribute
to Marcel Marceau.

An impression of a man
balancing himself on one leg.

Count them. One.
Here we go.

Thank you. No arms.
Now... Now...

Now a man balancing himself
on no legs.

Aah!

Thank you. I love you.
Yes, I love you. Mwah.

Oh, I could stay on forever.

You stay on any longer,
you'll be running into the prayer of the day.

Senior citizens, one.
Bear, zero.

Hilda, would you help me find
my key to the dressing room?

Oh, I am so sorry, Ms. Horne.
My head is such a pickle.

I left the iron on
in the costume room.

I'll be back in a jiffy.

(grunts)
Animal.

Animal, I was wondering.
Would you help me find my key?

Ah. All right.

(yells)

B-flat.

Let's have
the monsters standing by. Monsters standing by, please.

Ahem. Aren't...
aren't you going to be standing by, too?

No. Why?

Because you're
the monster.

What you said at
the beginning of the show,

about... about Lena and me,

I just got it, El Greeno.
Well...

Yeah. You meant that
I couldn't follow her.

(angry sigh)
Well, Piggy, sometimes the truth hurts.

Hurt?
I'll show you hurt.

Hiiii-yah!

Hii!

You know, there's
a children's TV show that I really enjoy.

Maybe you've heard
of Sesame Street?

Anyway, here's one
of my favorite songs from that show.

♪ Sing

♪ Sing a song

♪ Sing out loud

♪ Sing out strong

♪ Sing of good things

♪ Not bad

♪ Sing of happy

♪ Not sad

♪ Sing

♪ Sing a song

♪ Make it simple

♪ To last your whole life long

♪ Don't worry
that it's not good enough

♪ For anyone else to hear

♪ Sing

♪ Sing a song

♪ La la la-la la
la la la la-la la

♪ La la-la la-la la la

♪ La la la-la la
la la la la-la la

♪ La la-la la-la la la

♪ Sing

♪ Sing a song

♪ Make it simple

♪ To last
your whole life long

♪ Don't worry that
it's not good enough

♪ For anyone else to hear

♪ Sing

♪ Sing a song

♪ Sing

♪ Sing a song

♪ La la la la-la la-la

♪ Mmm ♪

Well, that's it
for this week's madness.

Hey, we'd like a special thanks
for our special guest star - Ms. Lena Horne!

Thank you, Kermit,
thank you. It was fun.

Oh, good.

I was listening to Piggy
sing backstage. Mm-hmm.

I think she ought to have
her own spot on the show.

Really? Well, maybe next time,
we'll let her sing a song.

Oh, Kermit!
You do love me.

Give your little porker
a kiss on the chops.

O death,
where is thy sting?

See you next time
on The Muppet Show.

(loud kissing)

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

Author, author!

Is he here?

Who?
Arthur.

Go back to sleep.

(bum note)