The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 12 - Peter Ustinov - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest star,

Mr. Peter Ustinov. Huh?

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, the little problems in life
drive me crazy.

Like, what do you send
to a sick florist?



Huh? Huh?

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you

Mr. Peter Ustinov.

♪ But now
let's get things started

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

Thank you, thank you,
and hello, dear friends,

and welcome to this potpourri
of mirth and madness

we call The Muppet Show.



Hey, we're especially excited
around here tonight

because our guest star
is Mr. Peter Ustinov.

He is a man for all seasons,
an actor, a director, a writer,

plus being a great raconteur.

That's... that's French
for "tennis player."

I think.

Anyway, we're also fortunate
in having with us

an offshoot of the world-famous
Boston Pops Orchestra,

just the wind section,

but I think it's gonna be
a thrill for us all,

so let's open the show
with an evening at the Pops.

(instruments tuning up)

(drumroll)

(♪ "Pizzicati" by Delibes)

(balloons popping in time
with music)

(music builds
to crescendo)

(music stops)

(whistling)

(music begins again)

Well, they say,

"Music hath charm
to soothe a savage beast."

Mm.
(roars)

Such is not the case
here, however.

Get him. Get him.

OK, OK.
Good bit. Good bit.

Good ending.
Sorry about the head.

Oh, Kermit.

Oh, my heart. It's going
pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

Yeah, well, maybe you've had
too much coffee.

No. It's going pitter-patter

over the man I've admired
and loved for years.

And now,
to be this close to him...

Uh, Piggy, I've told you.

I don't have any time
in my life

for any emotional involvement
right now.

No. I'm talking
about Peter Ustinov.

Oh. Well.
(clears throat) Oh.

He is a Renaissance man.

Oh. Well, I am a leg man.

Oops. It's time now
to introduce

your new heartthrob.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Jealousy, thy name is frog!

OK. Right now, friends,
I'd like you to meet our guest star,

the one and only
Mr. Peter Ustinov.

Well, Kermit, you know,
it's a pleasure for me to be with you tonight.

It's my first experience
in performing with, uh...

performers other than people,
if you follow me.

Oh. Yeah, well, it takes
some getting used to, I guess,

but we've worked
with humans before so just relax,

take it easy and don't sit on
any of your fellow performers.

I'll try not to,
but I was going to sit down on my dressing-room chair,

you know,
and it walked away.

Oh, well, that was a Muppet.

See, that chair is married
to the show's writer.

Who's the writer?
The hatrack.

This show was written
by a hatrack? Mm.

Oh, well, uh...
That's most extraordinary.

Well, you see,
anything can be a Muppet.

In fact, in this next sketch,
you are going to be a Muppet.

I'm going to be a Muppet?
Mm-hmm.

Trust me. Just stand by
for a big show-biz-style introduction, OK?

Oh, this is delightful.

A hatrack.
Mm-hmm.

Incredible.

Ladies and gentlemen,
you are about to witness

one of the wonders
of modern science

as envisioned by the incredible
Mr. Peter Ustinov.

We take you now
to Muppet Labs.

Hello,
I'm Doctor Bunsen Honeydew,

and here at Muppet Labs

we think we have finally made
a major scientific breakthrough

in the field
of international statesmanship.

So, it is
with incalculable pride

that I give you
the new robot politician.

Yes, this electronic
politician

will end corruption
in government forever.

And, furthermore, it is
absolutely international.

For instance,
the robot politician

would make an excellent
British prime minister.

Watch.
(machine bleeps)

(English accent)
Although the skies are dark

and the road ahead is steep,

yet with perseverance,

we can... nay,

we shall prevail.

Prevail.

Prevail.
Uh... Thank you.

And on the other hand,
with equal ease,

he could be
an American president.

(machine bleeps)

(American accent)
And I tell you, my friends,

this is the greatest country
in the world.

Stands ready to forge ahead,

bring peace to the world,

affluence to all nations.

Yes, well,
enough of that.

How about
a Russian premier? (machine bleeps)

(Russian accent)
The Russian people will not rub the SALT agreement

into the wounds.

Well, that's good. (hums)

(machine buzzes)
Uh...

(machine hisses)

Come on.
(alarm)

(Chinese accent)
The People Republic of China

objects to the running-dog tone
of this most...

(Middle Eastern accent)
The Middle East bloc must stand firm in the belief...

(speaks Arabic)

La France éternelle,
plus gra-a-ande que...

Italiano...
Non posso più, che...

Das deutsche Volk
muss unter allen Umständen...

This means war!

Well, back to
the drawing board.

Mr. Ustinov?

A masterful performance.
Mm.

Reminiscent of
the late Rudolph Besser.

Rudolph Besser is dead?

No, he's late.
He was supposed to be here at...

Statler, you always get me
with that same dumb joke.

Well, maybe it's not
the joke that's dumb,

if you catch my drift.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ahem.

Oh, where is he?
Where is that tower of talent?

Fozzie, are you looking
for me?

No. I'm looking
for Peter Ustinov. After that last sketch,

he ended up
in the dressing room,

where he's going
over his lines.

Oh. The actor prepares.
Yep.

Oh. Oh, I tell you, Kermit,

appearing in a sketch
with Peter Ustinov

is the highlight of my career.

I thought you said last week
that appearing with me in a sketch

was the highlight
of your career.

I was wrong.

How can you compare yourself
to... him?

Uh... Easy.

He puts on his pants just
like me, one leg at a time.

You don't wear any pants.

OK. There you are.

Let's see him
get away with that on television.

(♪ tea dance music)

(sighs)

Say, did you ever
fall in love with a guy at first sight?

Mm-hmm. But it always
took a while.

You know, just once,
I'd like to stand next to Queen Elizabeth.

I'd rather sit in
with Count Basie.

I find that
most people don't believe what other people tell them.

Uh... I don't think
that's true.

Hey, you wanna
stop by the punch bowl?

Why do they call it
a punch bowl?

That's why.

(clears throat) And now,

in my never-ending struggle
to uplift these proceedings,

here are two
distinguished professors,

Doctors Arnold Nood
and Frederick Nik,

to discuss
post-Dickensian economics.

OK. OK, OK.
Tell them the story.

Yeah, sure.
Give me a break, will you?

OK, I'll give you a break.

To best explain
post-Die-kensan...

Whatever.
Whatever.

...economics,
let me tell you a little story.

Yeah, tell them the story.
I'm trying.

I am trying
to tell them the story.

Shh.

Once upon a time
there was a man named Benny.

What else?
What else?

Who was visited
by his fairy godmother.

Fairy godmother.
Fairy godmother.

Yeah!

Now, Benny's fairy godmother
promised him

that he would live forever
under one condition, see?

That he never,
never shave again. Never shave.

Isn't that some condition?
Ah.

Now, Benny never shaved
after that.

And you know what?
What? What? What?

He lived to be 175 years old.

No.

Now, one day Benny met
a beautiful girl. Oh.

It happens to anyone.
Yeah.

And he fell in what?
Love?

Yeah. He's very bright.
Love.

Ain't it wonderful?

And the beautiful girl
asked Benny

to shave his beard off.

And when
the fairy godmother heard... Oh, yeah, yeah?

...that Benny had shaved...
Yeah, yeah, yeah?

...why, she got that mad.
Mad.

She turned...

...she turned Benny
into a Grecian urn. Yeah. Yeah.

And that only goes to prove

the economic theory...

A Benny shaved

is a Benny urned.

(laughing)

I love it!

(♪ "Another Somebody
Done Somebody Wrong Song" by C Moman and L Butler)

♪ It's lonely out tonight

♪ And the feeling
just got right

♪ For a brand-new love song

♪ Somebody-
done-somebody-wrong song

OK, everybody.

♪ Hey, won't you play

♪ Another somebody-
done-somebody-wrong song

♪ And make me feel at home

♪ While I miss my baby

♪ While I miss my baby

♪ So play, play for me

♪ A sad melody

♪ So sad
that it makes everybody cry

♪ A real hurting song

♪ About a love
that's gone wrong

♪ 'Cause I don't want
to cry all alone

♪ Hey, won't you play

♪ Another somebody-
done-somebody-wrong song

♪ And make me feel at home

♪ While I miss my baby

♪ While I miss my baby

Up a key!

♪ Hey, won't you play

♪ Another somebody-
done-somebody-wrong song

♪ And make me feel at home

♪ While I miss my baby

♪ While I miss my baby ♪

Oh, I miss Kermit so. Oh!

(wailing)

Oh, Kermit,
that Peter Ustinov is wonderful.

Yeah. He is quite
a talented fellow, isn't he?

So appreciative,
so observant.

The frog observes.
The frog appreciates.

I had just gone in
to give him his costume,

and he looked at me,
and he said,

"Hilda, you have
the most exquisite hemstitch."

Is that so?

Imagine a big star like that

noticing an old costume lady
like me.

Now, Hilda, you know,

I have many times noted
that your craftsmanship as a seamstress is superb.

It is, in fact, flawless,
and you are a wonder.

So? What does a frog know?

Somehow I feel
my charisma's slipping away.

(♪ "You Do Something to Me"
by Cole Porter)

♪ You do

♪ Something to me

♪ Something that simply
mystifies me

♪ Tell me why should it be

♪ You have the power
to hypnotize me?

♪ Let me live 'neath your spell

♪ Do do that voodoo
that you do so well

♪ For you do something to me

♪ That nobody else could

♪ Nobody else could

♪ Nobody else could

♪ Nobody else could

Oh, finally. I thought
you'd never get me back to myself again.

♪ Nobody else

♪ Could do ♪

Here's a Muppet news flash.

Copenhagen, Denmark.

Dr. Felix Oglebomb says
that after 30 years' concentrated research,

he has discovered the cure
for the common cold.

Our Muppet cameras are
on the scene, and we'll speak with Dr. Oglebomb

about this great
medical breakthrough.

Dr. Oglebomb.

(Danish accent) Yeah.
Yeah, I am Felix Oglebomb

in Copenhagen, Denmark.

Yes, Dr. Oglebomb.
Can you tell us about this cure?

Yeah, of course.

It was right under our noses,
do you believe that?

I'm so excited.

First, you stay away
from sick people.

That's very important.

Then you wrap your head
in a number-ten-sized brown paper bag

and you pour honey
over yourself

and you hold your breath
for about an hour or so, eh?

And this will cure
the common cold?

Positively.

Ah... Ahchoo!

And then again...

Yes, well, thank you
very much, Dr. Oglebomb.

Remember, friends,
whenever big news breaks,

you certainly
won't hear it here.

(muffled whisper)
Oh. Ahem.

Once again
it's inspiration time,

and, goodness knows,
we need some.

So here they are,
Wayne and Wanda.

♪ The falling leaves

♪ Drift by the... ♪

(all talking)

Friends, once again it's time

to raise the intellectual level
of our program

as our panel discusses
a topic of concern

to thinking people
everywhere - psychiatry.

And tonight's panel
includes our own Miss Piggy.

Kissy-kissy.

Plus Cynthia Birdley.
Enchantée.

And our own special guest
is Dr. Kurt Von Frong,

who is a practicing
psychiatrist.

(German accent) Hello, Mummy.

So, you are a practicing
psychiatrist, Doctor?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm.

How long
you been practicing?

35 years.

Oh. Isn't it time
you stopped practicing and got on with it?

Cynthia, please.
Don't be ridiculous.

No, no, no, Mr. Frog.
It's all right.

Misunderstandings
about (spits) psychiatry are common.

You see, basically,
it is a tool to help us deal with frustrations.

Otherwise we develop problems
that result where?

In complexes.

Oh, I know.
My mother lives in one. Yeah. One what?

A complex.
She lives downstairs, the Murphys live upstairs.

You should hear them...
Cynthia, Cynthia.

No, no, no, no, no.
The doctor's talking about psychiatry.

Don't... don't concern
yourself.

"The Murphys." Ha-ha.

(spits) Psychiatry
has its own jargon,

and only when
you know the meaning of the various terms

can you begin to understand

terms like complex,
sublimation, regression,

Gestalt!

(both) Gesundheit.
Ahchoo.

Gestalt,
not gesundheit.

Yeah, yeah, girls.
No, no, no, see,

the doctor's talking
about psychological terms.

Yes, yes. Correct.
Now, Mr. Kermit,

when it was first used,
you see, by Sigmund...

(mumbles)

...the father
of (spits) psychiatry,

he was the first
in his field.

Of course,
he didn't get any good at it until he got an office

and he got out of that field.

(laughs)

That's a trade joke.

Well, you better trade it
for another one.

Cynthia, come on now,
don't be embarrassing the doctor here.

It's all right,
Mr. Kermit Frog. What?

A good
(spits) psychiatrist

learns to find
the proper way

to handle
any situation.

You see,
I think, personally,

that the Janov theory
of primal-scream therapy

might work here.

It's guaranteed to get rid
of all your problems.

I'd like to hear it.
Me too.

Yeah, so would I.
Yes? You got it.

Aah!

Are you all right
down there?

No problems more.
It works every time.

I believe that does it

for tonight's
(spits) pseudoscientific

(spits) psychiatric
Sigmund... discussion.

And I hope
you tune in next week

when, with luck,
I won't be there.

What are you looking for?
My contact lens.

Oh. Oh, here it is.

(crunch)

Sorry.
Bam!

He's in his dressing room.
I know him personally.

Hey, Kermit,
I was wondering,

could you get me
Peter Ustinov's autograph?

He's one
of your favorites, huh?

Oh, not one of them.
He is my favorite.

Last week
I was your favorite.

Well, we grow, Kermit.
We progress.

I just saw him
in that last sketch. I was on the floor.

That's a lousy place
to watch a sketch from.

I meant from laughter.

You see, when I grow up,
I wanna be just like him.

Last week you wanted
to be just like me.

I was wrong.

Kermit,
I'm in my formative years.

If you had a choice,
which would you choose?

Would you like to grow up
and be an international star,

or would you like to grow up
and be a frog?

I'd turn green with envy
if I weren't already green.

I hope I didn't hurt
his feelings.

(♪ "Bein' Green"
by Joe Raposo)

♪ It's not easy bein' green

♪ Having' to spend each day
the color of the leaves

♪ When I think it might be nicer
being red or yellow or gold

♪ Or... something
much more colorful like that

♪ It's not easy bein' green

♪ Seems you blend in with
so many other ordinary things

♪ And people tend
to pass you over

♪ 'Cause you're not standing out
like flashy sparkles in the water

♪ Or stars in the sky

♪ But green's
the color of spring

♪ And green can be cool
and friendly-like

♪ And green can be big
like a mountain

♪ Or important like a river

♪ Or tall like a tree

♪ When green
is all there is to be

♪ It could make you wonder why

♪ But why wonder?

♪ Why wonder?

♪ I'm green and it'll do fine

♪ It's beautiful

♪ And I think
it's what I wanna be ♪

Well, that just about does it
for this week,

and I want to thank our guest,
Mr. Peter Ustinov, for joining us.

Peter, come on out here. Yeah!

I've just been talking
to your show's writer.

He's a man of many talents.
Isn't he, though?

Yes. Wears more than one hat.

Oh, yeah, Peter. Hey, listen,
it's been great having you,

although I must admit
I've been a little bit jealous.

You have?
I'm jealous of you.

I've always wanted
to be a frog. You're kidding.

(croaks) Ribbit, ribbit.

How do you do that?
A very tight shirt collar.

(croaks)

Well, welcome to
the wonderful world of frogs.

(mimics Kermit) Yeah,
and we'll see you all next time

on The Muppet Show.

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

Well, they did improve the level
of television entertainment.

Well, they had
noplace to go but up.

(bum note)