The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 13 - Bruce Forsyth - full transcript
Fozzie hatches a plan to get even with Statler & Waldorf when he does his act. But the bear becomes crushed when he gets replaced with guest Bruce Forsyth.
It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest star,
Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, question.
If a man born in Poland
is a Pole,
is a man born in Holland
a Hole?
Think about it.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you. Hello, hello, hello.
And if I sound
a little British tonight,
it's because
our special guest star
is one of England's
truly great performers - Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
He sings, dances,
plays the piano, tells jokes.
In fact
he's a one-man variety show,
and we're really pleased
he's with us.
But right now
let's kick things off
with a new musical group
we call the Snerfs.
The Snerfs?
(♪ "In A Little Spanish Town"
by S Lewis, J Young, M Wayne)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
Well, now I've seen
everything.
Good. Can we leave?
OK. Nice number, nice number,
Snerfs. Way to go.
Oh, Kermit.
Yeah?
I finally got the punch line
down for the act tonight. Want to hear it?
OK.
Good.
Quack!
Fine, fine.
But keep working on it, OK?
Oh, sure, toad.
Thanks a lot.
You know, put me down
like everybody else.
Yeah, that's right.
Put me down.
Bitter duck.
Oh, Kermit. Kermit. Kermit.
Kermit, I am really
gonna get 'em tonight.
Get who?
Hmm?
Oh, Statler and Waldorf -
you know, those two old guys
who sit in the box
and heckle me every night.
Mm-hmm.
Well, tonight I am ready for 'em. Ha-ha.
Yeah, I can handle any insult.
Any of 'em.
Hey, hey. Let's try it, OK?
Let's see...
You be the audience,
and I'll tell a joke,
and then you insult me
and then just watch
my razor-sharp wit at work.
OK, you ready, huh? Huh?
No.
Good. OK. Here we go.
I wouldn't say
my wife can't cook,
but last night
she burned the water.
Boo! Boo!
That's terrible. Terrible.
Get off the stage!
You are the worst!
Oh, please don't heckle me.
Fozzie, is this an example
of your razor-like wit?
Could still use
a little sharpening, huh?
(sighs)
When it comes
to song-and-dance men,
it's pretty hard
to top our special guest.
So let's give a warm
Muppet Show welcome to Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
(♪ "All I Need is the Girl"
by J Styne and S Sondheim)
♪ Got my tweed pressed
♪ Got my best vest
♪ All I need now is the girl
♪ Got my striped tie
♪ Got my hopes high
♪ Got the time and the place
and I got rhythm
♪ All I need's
the girl to go with 'em
♪ If she'll just appear
♪ We'll take this big bird...
(music stops)
I must stop taking those pills.
It'll go away in a minute.
Whatever it is,
it's a real one.
I hope it's not a female.
Yes, I... I didn't
see you there. I'm sorry.
I'm doing
my song-and-dance number.
Would you mind waiting
over there, please?
Over there. In the corner.
Over here. Let me show you.
Let me show you. That's fine.
That's it. OK.
Trust me, trust me.
I'll be gentle with you.
No, bring the feet.
Bring the feet.
I think the tail
will follow.
Bring the feet.
That's it. Good.
Left, right.
Right, left. That's it.
Good. That's fine. Now,
could we just sort of twist you round now?
As you go, that's it.
Now, back off, will you?
Back off.
Left hand down a bit.
Left hand.
As you were.
Off you go. Off you go, then.
There you go. That's fine.
You see, I'm just going to do
my song-and-dance number.
It's the only thing I've got
in the whole show.
Worthwhile.
Thank you.
(music playing)
♪ Ba-ba di-dee doo dee
Take it!
Are you all right?
That was marvelous.
Fantastic.
I've never seen anything...
It is a female.
♪ My striped tie
♪ And my best... best tweed ♪
Come on. Leave me alone.
Get back.
Get... Goodness' sake.
Great big gawky fool.
Get back.
Why don't you get... Get back.
Get back there. Back! Get away!
Oh, no. Her sister.
Mr. Hitchcock!
Mr. Hitchcock!
Get away, you great big
gawky-looking thing. Get off.
Bravo!
Brilliant.
Oh, there aren't
many performers
that could hold a candle
to Bruce Forsyth.
Course not.
They'd burn him.
Statler,
you must be the old fool there's no fool like.
Hey, Kermit, Kermit,
this time
I have really got it.
I have really mastered
the art of handling hecklers.
You think so, huh?
Yeah. I know so. I know so.
OK, I tell you what.
You tell a joke
and I will heckle you.
Great.
But, Fozzie, I expect a great comeback.
Right. Ahem.
My cousin's so dumb,
he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster.
I've seen cheeseburgers
funnier than that.
What do you think?
Too subtle?
Will you get outta here?
(sighs)
(♪ tea dance music)
George.
Yeah.
Would you like to come
to my place for dinner tomorrow night?
Maybe. What are you fixing?
Well, do you like duckling?
I don't know.
I never duckled.
Do you know what happened
in 1776?
No, baby, but there's
a great party in 1342.
I'm really into
American history.
Oh?
Mm-hmm.
You know - Washington,
Jefferson, Revere.
Oh, do you like Franklin?
Well, I don't know. I've never Frankled.
Do you mind if I light up?
Why, no.
(♪ "I'm My Own Grandpa"
by D Latham and M Jaffe)
♪ Many, many years ago
when I was 23
♪ I was married to a widow
who was pretty as could be
♪ This widow
had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
♪ My father
fell in love with her and soon they two were wed
♪ This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life
♪ For my daughter was my mother
'cause she was my father's wife
♪ To complicate the matter,
even though it brought me joy
♪ I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy
♪ My little baby then became
a brother-in-law to Dad
♪ And so became my uncle,
though it made me very sad
♪ For if he was my uncle
then that also made him brother
♪ Of the widow's
grown-up daughter who of course was my stepmother
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa
♪ I'm my own grandpa
♪ It sounds funny, I know,
but it really is so
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa
Sing it, Pa.
♪ Father's wife then had a son
who kept them on the run
♪ And he became my grandchild
for he was my daughter's son
♪ My wife
is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
♪ Because
although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too
♪ Oh, if my wife
is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
♪ And every time I think of it
it nearly drives me wild
♪ For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw
♪ As husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa
♪ I'm my own grandpa
♪ It sounds funny, I know,
but it really is so
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa
♪ It sounds funny, I know,
but it really is so
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa ♪
Well, Bruce,
welcome to our show.
Well, it's very nice
to be here, Kermit.
Although, of course,
it is a little strange. Strange?
It isn't like
any other show on television.
I'll buy the fact
that you're a frog who can talk.
There's nothing strange
about that.
And I'll even buy the chicken
who shares my dressing room.
But she's not for sale.
I beg your pardon?
That chicken's
not for sale. Oh.
I mean, I wouldn't mind
selling her,
but her husband plays
in the band.
No, you misunderstand me.
You see, I don't actually
want to buy a chicken.
Oh. I see.
Mind you, I wouldn't mind
leasing a duck.
Well, uh...
I can let you have
a duck right here.
I can give you a good
rental deal on this duck.
It's not
a bad-looking duck. It's a great little duck.
I mean, it was last owned
by a little old lady
who only used it as a decoy
during the hunting season.
Really?
Well, how much
to rent this duck for a month?
For one month,
this duck will cost you a pig and two rabbits.
A pig and two rabbits?
Well, hold on a minute, will you?
One pig - there we are -
and I'm fresh
out of rabbits.
Have you got change
of a rat?
Sure. I can let you have
a woodpecker.
Oh, good. That's fine.
OK. That's a fair exchange.
Is that a deal?
Mind the legs.
Wonderful doing business
with you, Bruce.
Lovely doing business
with you as well.
OK, let's go, guys.
Come on, come on. Off you go. Fine. Fine.
You see, it is strange here.
Any other show on television
charges at least two pigs a month for a good duck.
I wish I had
a good-looking bird.
Two pigs for one lousy duck?
This is an outrage
to all Porkdom.
Well, I was...
Really, Miss Piggy,
I was only joking.
I wasn't having
a go at you.
Yeah? Well,
have a go at this.
Hiiii-yah!
That was vicious.
Come here, you.
Aah! Aah!
Ohh!
Monkey with me...?
Hii-yah!
That Miss Piggy takes umbrage
at the slightest annoyance.
Oh, I usually
take aspirin.
Maybe I'll try
some umbrage.
"Same to you..."
Same to you and more of it.
Fozzie?
Huh?
I know you're worried
about your act tonight. Oh, boy, am I.
I really want to get the best
of those two old hecklers, Kermit.
Well, I can guarantee you
that Statler and Waldorf
will not heckle you tonight.
But... but they always
heckle me.
Every show they heckle me.
Why not tonight?
Well, the show's running long,
and your act's been cut.
Hilda, Hilda.
Yes, Fozzie.
Don't move.
Just stay right there. But why?
So you can break my fall
when I faint.
Aah! (thud)
Cute. Cute faint.
Once again,
it is my distinct pleasure
to introduce to you
those two solid citizens
of song - Wayne and Wanda.
Decent, decent people.
(♪ "Trees"
by J Kilmer and O Rasbach)
♪ I think
that I shall never see
♪ A poem lovely as a tree ♪
Oh!
Whew! Oh, Kermit,
you've got to let me do
my big act in the show. Please.
Yeah, but listen, Fozzie.
This is just one week.
Oh, but... but, Kermit,
in this type of show,
people expect
a stand-up comic.
Yes, and we got one.
Oh, then I am going on after all.
No, Bruce Forsyth is.
Hilda!
(thud)
Cute. Cute fall.
OK, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we thought
we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest.
You're not giving him a rest,
you're giving us a rest.
Yeah. OK.
Be that as it may,
substituting
for Fozzie tonight
is our special guest star
Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
And may I say you look
a wonderful audience.
Don't be too sure.
We haven't heard your jokes yet.
Sir, you're old enough
to have heard my jokes,
Bob Hope's jokes
and Milton Berle's.
In fact, if you've heard
Milton Berle's jokes,
you've heard
everybody's jokes.
Same old stuff.
We want new blood.
Yeah, well, you certainly look
as though you could use some.
Why don't you go
to the blood bank and cash an artery?
Good. Good stuff.
Well, I've heard better.
I'm sure you have, sir.
In fact, at your age, you're
lucky you can hear at all.
Only kidding. Only kidding.
You've probably got
a great sense of humor.
In fact, I know you have.
I saw your wife outside.
Oh, he's burying me.
He's burying me.
But you know, one thing I like
about our two countries at the moment
is we do have
this cultural exchange going on.
I mean, we send you
lots of our drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs,
The Six Wives of Henry VIII,
The Forsyte Saga -
and by the way,
I thought Eric Porter
played my life brilliantly.
I was gonna
play the part myself,
but they said
I wasn't the type.
Then of course you send us
your drama shows like Columbo,
Starsky and Hutch,
Police Woman.
They're not Shakespeare,
perhaps, but just as violent.
By the way,
thank you for Kojak.
He's made such a big hit
in our country.
Such a sportsman.
Goes to Scotland, plays golf.
And he's also
a good tenpin bowler. Got the head for it.
But he gets very annoyed
at the bowling alley,
'cause people keep sticking
their fingers up his nose.
Got to be a split.
Anyway, don't let's
talk about him. Let's get back to me.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Excuse me. Mr. Forsyth.
Oh, please,
please call me Bruce.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Fozzie Bear.
Hey, hey!
Yeah, thank heavens
there's only one.
Aw. See those guys
up there?
The minute I come out,
they start up. Don't worry. Don't worry.
Do you see the box
they're in? Yeah.
I may decide
to bury them together.
Oh! Oh, that's...
Boy, see how
he handles them? See?
I was watching
in the wings over there.
Yeah, well,
why don't you flap them and fly outta here?
Ho-ho.
You can handle
those two. Well...
You can do it.
All you need is the pacing,
a bit of timing.
The right retort.
The right line.
He couldn't throw a line
to a drowning man.
Uh... Uh...
Go on.
OK.
Do you mind? We work alone.
That is,
unless we work together.
How's that?
A little soft, Fozzie.
Go for the jugular vein,
there. Go right in.
Right there? OK.
Go on.
Uh... Uh... Oh! Oh!
Hey, is that a suit
you're wearing?
It's a nice one, yeah,
but won't your wife
notice the hole in the living room rug?
(rimshot)
That's good.
Now you're rolling.
Go in for the kill.
Go in for the kill.
Hey, that's some nose
you got there, buster.
Why don't you rent yourself out
as an anteater?
(rimshot)
I like it.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Hey, quit while
you're ahead. You call that a head?
I've seen better heads
on cabbages.
You don't want to lose
your audience.
You call that an audience?
It looks more like an oil painting.
Believe me,
you've got 'em.
Got 'em? Who wants 'em?
Who wants 'em?
No, no. Enough, enough.
We surrender. We surrender.
No more, no more.
You did it, Fozzie.
Oh, I did! Bruce, I did it.
Oh, I did it.
I did. Oh! Oh! Oh!
Bruce, this is
the happiest moment of my life.
Just learning
from a pro like you,
working side by side
with one of the greats. (♪ jazz)
You even learned how to cue
the big musical finish to the comedy spot.
You did.
Yeah?
Yeah.
All right.
♪ Oh, we ain't got
a barrel of money
♪ Maybe we're ragged
and funny
♪ But we travel along,
singing a song
Thank you, Mr. Forsyth.
It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.
♪ Hey
♪ We travel along, singing a song
♪ Side by side ♪
I like the ears.
Keep the ears going.
They love it.
Listen to that. (applause)
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
(narrator) And now
"Veterinarian's Hospital,"
the continuing story
of an orthopedic surgeon
who's gone to the dogs.
Well, Dr. Bob, here's
your next patient.
(grunts)
What have we here,
another sick chicken?
I'm not a chicken.
I'm a duck.
Shall we prepare
for surgery on the chicken?
Duck!
(all) Aah!
What was that?
I don't know.
Somebody yelled "Duck."
Well, let's get back to the chicken.
Duck!
(all) Aah!
I don't understand
what's going on around here.
Duck!
Oh!
Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall
for another one of... Ow!
So Dr. Bob has received
a serious blow.
Tune in next week,
when you will hear Dr. Bob say to his patient...
What kind of doctor
do you think I am?
Quack.
I should know better
than to ask a chicken.
Duck!
(all) Aah!
(♪ "Let There Be Love"
by I Grant and L Rand)
♪ Let there be you
♪ Let there be me
♪ Let there be oysters
♪ Under the sea
♪ Let there be wind
♪ And occasional rain
♪ Chili con carne
♪ Sparkling champagne
♪ Let there be birds
Small ones, huh?
Yes.
♪ That sing in the trees
I don't want that big one back.
♪ Someone to bless me
♪ Whenever I sneeze
Ahchoo!
Bless you, Piggy.
♪ Let there be cuckoos
♪ A lark and a dove
♪ But most of all, please
♪ Let there be love
Come in, boys.
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
♪ Let there be cuckoos
♪ Doo doo doo
♪ A lark and a dove
♪ Doo doo dah
♪ But most of all, please
♪ Doo doo doo doo doo
(Bruce and Piggy)
♪ Let there be love
♪ Love, love
♪ Let there be love
♪ Love, love
♪ Let there be love
♪ Yes, Brucie
♪ Let there be love,
love between Bruce and the pig
♪ Love, love, love,
oh, yes, oh, love, love ♪
Yeah.
Well, that's about
all the time we have.
We'd like to have
a special thanks
to our special guest star
Mr. Bruce Forsyth. Yeah!
Thank you, thank you.
May I say it's been
a pleasure to be on this television show.
And, Kermit,
you're a wonderful MC.
Yeah, but he's
an MC squared.
He's so dumb,
he thinks Veronica Lake is a body of water.
Please, Fozzie,
a little humility.
Yeah, if you want
to be working next week.
Oh, in that case...
Oh, please forgive me, frog, please.
Bruce,
you taught him well.
Hey, we'll see you all
next week
on The Muppet Show.
Yeah, The Muppet Show!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
This show brought
a tear to my eye. Really?
Yeah, I'm sitting
on a tack.
(bum note)
with our special guest star,
Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, question.
If a man born in Poland
is a Pole,
is a man born in Holland
a Hole?
Think about it.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you. Hello, hello, hello.
And if I sound
a little British tonight,
it's because
our special guest star
is one of England's
truly great performers - Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
He sings, dances,
plays the piano, tells jokes.
In fact
he's a one-man variety show,
and we're really pleased
he's with us.
But right now
let's kick things off
with a new musical group
we call the Snerfs.
The Snerfs?
(♪ "In A Little Spanish Town"
by S Lewis, J Young, M Wayne)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
(parp-parp)
Well, now I've seen
everything.
Good. Can we leave?
OK. Nice number, nice number,
Snerfs. Way to go.
Oh, Kermit.
Yeah?
I finally got the punch line
down for the act tonight. Want to hear it?
OK.
Good.
Quack!
Fine, fine.
But keep working on it, OK?
Oh, sure, toad.
Thanks a lot.
You know, put me down
like everybody else.
Yeah, that's right.
Put me down.
Bitter duck.
Oh, Kermit. Kermit. Kermit.
Kermit, I am really
gonna get 'em tonight.
Get who?
Hmm?
Oh, Statler and Waldorf -
you know, those two old guys
who sit in the box
and heckle me every night.
Mm-hmm.
Well, tonight I am ready for 'em. Ha-ha.
Yeah, I can handle any insult.
Any of 'em.
Hey, hey. Let's try it, OK?
Let's see...
You be the audience,
and I'll tell a joke,
and then you insult me
and then just watch
my razor-sharp wit at work.
OK, you ready, huh? Huh?
No.
Good. OK. Here we go.
I wouldn't say
my wife can't cook,
but last night
she burned the water.
Boo! Boo!
That's terrible. Terrible.
Get off the stage!
You are the worst!
Oh, please don't heckle me.
Fozzie, is this an example
of your razor-like wit?
Could still use
a little sharpening, huh?
(sighs)
When it comes
to song-and-dance men,
it's pretty hard
to top our special guest.
So let's give a warm
Muppet Show welcome to Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
(♪ "All I Need is the Girl"
by J Styne and S Sondheim)
♪ Got my tweed pressed
♪ Got my best vest
♪ All I need now is the girl
♪ Got my striped tie
♪ Got my hopes high
♪ Got the time and the place
and I got rhythm
♪ All I need's
the girl to go with 'em
♪ If she'll just appear
♪ We'll take this big bird...
(music stops)
I must stop taking those pills.
It'll go away in a minute.
Whatever it is,
it's a real one.
I hope it's not a female.
Yes, I... I didn't
see you there. I'm sorry.
I'm doing
my song-and-dance number.
Would you mind waiting
over there, please?
Over there. In the corner.
Over here. Let me show you.
Let me show you. That's fine.
That's it. OK.
Trust me, trust me.
I'll be gentle with you.
No, bring the feet.
Bring the feet.
I think the tail
will follow.
Bring the feet.
That's it. Good.
Left, right.
Right, left. That's it.
Good. That's fine. Now,
could we just sort of twist you round now?
As you go, that's it.
Now, back off, will you?
Back off.
Left hand down a bit.
Left hand.
As you were.
Off you go. Off you go, then.
There you go. That's fine.
You see, I'm just going to do
my song-and-dance number.
It's the only thing I've got
in the whole show.
Worthwhile.
Thank you.
(music playing)
♪ Ba-ba di-dee doo dee
Take it!
Are you all right?
That was marvelous.
Fantastic.
I've never seen anything...
It is a female.
♪ My striped tie
♪ And my best... best tweed ♪
Come on. Leave me alone.
Get back.
Get... Goodness' sake.
Great big gawky fool.
Get back.
Why don't you get... Get back.
Get back there. Back! Get away!
Oh, no. Her sister.
Mr. Hitchcock!
Mr. Hitchcock!
Get away, you great big
gawky-looking thing. Get off.
Bravo!
Brilliant.
Oh, there aren't
many performers
that could hold a candle
to Bruce Forsyth.
Course not.
They'd burn him.
Statler,
you must be the old fool there's no fool like.
Hey, Kermit, Kermit,
this time
I have really got it.
I have really mastered
the art of handling hecklers.
You think so, huh?
Yeah. I know so. I know so.
OK, I tell you what.
You tell a joke
and I will heckle you.
Great.
But, Fozzie, I expect a great comeback.
Right. Ahem.
My cousin's so dumb,
he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster.
I've seen cheeseburgers
funnier than that.
What do you think?
Too subtle?
Will you get outta here?
(sighs)
(♪ tea dance music)
George.
Yeah.
Would you like to come
to my place for dinner tomorrow night?
Maybe. What are you fixing?
Well, do you like duckling?
I don't know.
I never duckled.
Do you know what happened
in 1776?
No, baby, but there's
a great party in 1342.
I'm really into
American history.
Oh?
Mm-hmm.
You know - Washington,
Jefferson, Revere.
Oh, do you like Franklin?
Well, I don't know. I've never Frankled.
Do you mind if I light up?
Why, no.
(♪ "I'm My Own Grandpa"
by D Latham and M Jaffe)
♪ Many, many years ago
when I was 23
♪ I was married to a widow
who was pretty as could be
♪ This widow
had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
♪ My father
fell in love with her and soon they two were wed
♪ This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life
♪ For my daughter was my mother
'cause she was my father's wife
♪ To complicate the matter,
even though it brought me joy
♪ I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy
♪ My little baby then became
a brother-in-law to Dad
♪ And so became my uncle,
though it made me very sad
♪ For if he was my uncle
then that also made him brother
♪ Of the widow's
grown-up daughter who of course was my stepmother
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa
♪ I'm my own grandpa
♪ It sounds funny, I know,
but it really is so
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa
Sing it, Pa.
♪ Father's wife then had a son
who kept them on the run
♪ And he became my grandchild
for he was my daughter's son
♪ My wife
is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
♪ Because
although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too
♪ Oh, if my wife
is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
♪ And every time I think of it
it nearly drives me wild
♪ For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw
♪ As husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa
♪ I'm my own grandpa
♪ It sounds funny, I know,
but it really is so
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa
♪ It sounds funny, I know,
but it really is so
♪ Oh, I'm my own grandpa ♪
Well, Bruce,
welcome to our show.
Well, it's very nice
to be here, Kermit.
Although, of course,
it is a little strange. Strange?
It isn't like
any other show on television.
I'll buy the fact
that you're a frog who can talk.
There's nothing strange
about that.
And I'll even buy the chicken
who shares my dressing room.
But she's not for sale.
I beg your pardon?
That chicken's
not for sale. Oh.
I mean, I wouldn't mind
selling her,
but her husband plays
in the band.
No, you misunderstand me.
You see, I don't actually
want to buy a chicken.
Oh. I see.
Mind you, I wouldn't mind
leasing a duck.
Well, uh...
I can let you have
a duck right here.
I can give you a good
rental deal on this duck.
It's not
a bad-looking duck. It's a great little duck.
I mean, it was last owned
by a little old lady
who only used it as a decoy
during the hunting season.
Really?
Well, how much
to rent this duck for a month?
For one month,
this duck will cost you a pig and two rabbits.
A pig and two rabbits?
Well, hold on a minute, will you?
One pig - there we are -
and I'm fresh
out of rabbits.
Have you got change
of a rat?
Sure. I can let you have
a woodpecker.
Oh, good. That's fine.
OK. That's a fair exchange.
Is that a deal?
Mind the legs.
Wonderful doing business
with you, Bruce.
Lovely doing business
with you as well.
OK, let's go, guys.
Come on, come on. Off you go. Fine. Fine.
You see, it is strange here.
Any other show on television
charges at least two pigs a month for a good duck.
I wish I had
a good-looking bird.
Two pigs for one lousy duck?
This is an outrage
to all Porkdom.
Well, I was...
Really, Miss Piggy,
I was only joking.
I wasn't having
a go at you.
Yeah? Well,
have a go at this.
Hiiii-yah!
That was vicious.
Come here, you.
Aah! Aah!
Ohh!
Monkey with me...?
Hii-yah!
That Miss Piggy takes umbrage
at the slightest annoyance.
Oh, I usually
take aspirin.
Maybe I'll try
some umbrage.
"Same to you..."
Same to you and more of it.
Fozzie?
Huh?
I know you're worried
about your act tonight. Oh, boy, am I.
I really want to get the best
of those two old hecklers, Kermit.
Well, I can guarantee you
that Statler and Waldorf
will not heckle you tonight.
But... but they always
heckle me.
Every show they heckle me.
Why not tonight?
Well, the show's running long,
and your act's been cut.
Hilda, Hilda.
Yes, Fozzie.
Don't move.
Just stay right there. But why?
So you can break my fall
when I faint.
Aah! (thud)
Cute. Cute faint.
Once again,
it is my distinct pleasure
to introduce to you
those two solid citizens
of song - Wayne and Wanda.
Decent, decent people.
(♪ "Trees"
by J Kilmer and O Rasbach)
♪ I think
that I shall never see
♪ A poem lovely as a tree ♪
Oh!
Whew! Oh, Kermit,
you've got to let me do
my big act in the show. Please.
Yeah, but listen, Fozzie.
This is just one week.
Oh, but... but, Kermit,
in this type of show,
people expect
a stand-up comic.
Yes, and we got one.
Oh, then I am going on after all.
No, Bruce Forsyth is.
Hilda!
(thud)
Cute. Cute fall.
OK, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we thought
we'd give Fozzie Bear a rest.
You're not giving him a rest,
you're giving us a rest.
Yeah. OK.
Be that as it may,
substituting
for Fozzie tonight
is our special guest star
Mr. Bruce Forsyth.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
And may I say you look
a wonderful audience.
Don't be too sure.
We haven't heard your jokes yet.
Sir, you're old enough
to have heard my jokes,
Bob Hope's jokes
and Milton Berle's.
In fact, if you've heard
Milton Berle's jokes,
you've heard
everybody's jokes.
Same old stuff.
We want new blood.
Yeah, well, you certainly look
as though you could use some.
Why don't you go
to the blood bank and cash an artery?
Good. Good stuff.
Well, I've heard better.
I'm sure you have, sir.
In fact, at your age, you're
lucky you can hear at all.
Only kidding. Only kidding.
You've probably got
a great sense of humor.
In fact, I know you have.
I saw your wife outside.
Oh, he's burying me.
He's burying me.
But you know, one thing I like
about our two countries at the moment
is we do have
this cultural exchange going on.
I mean, we send you
lots of our drama shows like Upstairs, Downstairs,
The Six Wives of Henry VIII,
The Forsyte Saga -
and by the way,
I thought Eric Porter
played my life brilliantly.
I was gonna
play the part myself,
but they said
I wasn't the type.
Then of course you send us
your drama shows like Columbo,
Starsky and Hutch,
Police Woman.
They're not Shakespeare,
perhaps, but just as violent.
By the way,
thank you for Kojak.
He's made such a big hit
in our country.
Such a sportsman.
Goes to Scotland, plays golf.
And he's also
a good tenpin bowler. Got the head for it.
But he gets very annoyed
at the bowling alley,
'cause people keep sticking
their fingers up his nose.
Got to be a split.
Anyway, don't let's
talk about him. Let's get back to me.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Excuse me. Mr. Forsyth.
Oh, please,
please call me Bruce.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Fozzie Bear.
Hey, hey!
Yeah, thank heavens
there's only one.
Aw. See those guys
up there?
The minute I come out,
they start up. Don't worry. Don't worry.
Do you see the box
they're in? Yeah.
I may decide
to bury them together.
Oh! Oh, that's...
Boy, see how
he handles them? See?
I was watching
in the wings over there.
Yeah, well,
why don't you flap them and fly outta here?
Ho-ho.
You can handle
those two. Well...
You can do it.
All you need is the pacing,
a bit of timing.
The right retort.
The right line.
He couldn't throw a line
to a drowning man.
Uh... Uh...
Go on.
OK.
Do you mind? We work alone.
That is,
unless we work together.
How's that?
A little soft, Fozzie.
Go for the jugular vein,
there. Go right in.
Right there? OK.
Go on.
Uh... Uh... Oh! Oh!
Hey, is that a suit
you're wearing?
It's a nice one, yeah,
but won't your wife
notice the hole in the living room rug?
(rimshot)
That's good.
Now you're rolling.
Go in for the kill.
Go in for the kill.
Hey, that's some nose
you got there, buster.
Why don't you rent yourself out
as an anteater?
(rimshot)
I like it.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Hey, quit while
you're ahead. You call that a head?
I've seen better heads
on cabbages.
You don't want to lose
your audience.
You call that an audience?
It looks more like an oil painting.
Believe me,
you've got 'em.
Got 'em? Who wants 'em?
Who wants 'em?
No, no. Enough, enough.
We surrender. We surrender.
No more, no more.
You did it, Fozzie.
Oh, I did! Bruce, I did it.
Oh, I did it.
I did. Oh! Oh! Oh!
Bruce, this is
the happiest moment of my life.
Just learning
from a pro like you,
working side by side
with one of the greats. (♪ jazz)
You even learned how to cue
the big musical finish to the comedy spot.
You did.
Yeah?
Yeah.
All right.
♪ Oh, we ain't got
a barrel of money
♪ Maybe we're ragged
and funny
♪ But we travel along,
singing a song
Thank you, Mr. Forsyth.
It's my pleasure, Mr. Bear.
♪ Hey
♪ We travel along, singing a song
♪ Side by side ♪
I like the ears.
Keep the ears going.
They love it.
Listen to that. (applause)
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
(narrator) And now
"Veterinarian's Hospital,"
the continuing story
of an orthopedic surgeon
who's gone to the dogs.
Well, Dr. Bob, here's
your next patient.
(grunts)
What have we here,
another sick chicken?
I'm not a chicken.
I'm a duck.
Shall we prepare
for surgery on the chicken?
Duck!
(all) Aah!
What was that?
I don't know.
Somebody yelled "Duck."
Well, let's get back to the chicken.
Duck!
(all) Aah!
I don't understand
what's going on around here.
Duck!
Oh!
Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall
for another one of... Ow!
So Dr. Bob has received
a serious blow.
Tune in next week,
when you will hear Dr. Bob say to his patient...
What kind of doctor
do you think I am?
Quack.
I should know better
than to ask a chicken.
Duck!
(all) Aah!
(♪ "Let There Be Love"
by I Grant and L Rand)
♪ Let there be you
♪ Let there be me
♪ Let there be oysters
♪ Under the sea
♪ Let there be wind
♪ And occasional rain
♪ Chili con carne
♪ Sparkling champagne
♪ Let there be birds
Small ones, huh?
Yes.
♪ That sing in the trees
I don't want that big one back.
♪ Someone to bless me
♪ Whenever I sneeze
Ahchoo!
Bless you, Piggy.
♪ Let there be cuckoos
♪ A lark and a dove
♪ But most of all, please
♪ Let there be love
Come in, boys.
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
♪ Let there be cuckoos
♪ Doo doo doo
♪ A lark and a dove
♪ Doo doo dah
♪ But most of all, please
♪ Doo doo doo doo doo
(Bruce and Piggy)
♪ Let there be love
♪ Love, love
♪ Let there be love
♪ Love, love
♪ Let there be love
♪ Yes, Brucie
♪ Let there be love,
love between Bruce and the pig
♪ Love, love, love,
oh, yes, oh, love, love ♪
Yeah.
Well, that's about
all the time we have.
We'd like to have
a special thanks
to our special guest star
Mr. Bruce Forsyth. Yeah!
Thank you, thank you.
May I say it's been
a pleasure to be on this television show.
And, Kermit,
you're a wonderful MC.
Yeah, but he's
an MC squared.
He's so dumb,
he thinks Veronica Lake is a body of water.
Please, Fozzie,
a little humility.
Yeah, if you want
to be working next week.
Oh, in that case...
Oh, please forgive me, frog, please.
Bruce,
you taught him well.
Hey, we'll see you all
next week
on The Muppet Show.
Yeah, The Muppet Show!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
This show brought
a tear to my eye. Really?
Yeah, I'm sitting
on a tack.
(bum note)