The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 8 - Paul Williams - full transcript
Scooter talks Fozzie in doing "The Telephone Pole Bit" and Fozzie practices dutifully until he finds out what the bit is really all about.
It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
New York is so crowded,
even the cemeteries have standing room only.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Mr. Paul Williams!
(cheering and applause)
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hi-ho, good friends.
Hey, we got a great show
for you tonight.
Our special guest
is Mr. Paul Williams,
singer, composer, actor
and all-around good guy,
and we're not gonna do
any jokes about his size.
But he's such
a cute little fella,
we're gonna make him
an honorary Muppet.
Hark! I hear the cannons roar...
No, hark, the cannons r...
Ugh...
Hi, Fozz. What's wrong?
You look worried.
It's my new act. I hope it works.
Oh, come on,
you're the greatest! Yeah?
Yeah, you're always good.
Besides, you're on soon.
Now is no time to panic.
Oh, well, see, I got
ten minutes of jokes here on the war of 1812.
Now is the time to panic.
Listen, if you're
really in trouble,
why don't you just use
the old telephone pole bit?
"The old telephone pole bit?"
Oh, yeah, it's the best.
I don't know it.
It's a classic!
It's a classic?
Yeah!
Terrific. I can use it.
Tell me, what is it?
The curtains open...
The curtains open.
The audience is there...
The audience is there!
There we are together,
on stage... There we are together...
Hold it!
"We?"
Well, yes.
No, you don't understand.
You see, I am a stand-up bear.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah. See...
I... I work alone.
I tell the jokes
on stage, alone.
Ha-ha, no, you don't tell jokes
in the telephone pole bit.
Why not?
Well, you're the telephone pole.
Cute. Cute idea.
We'll see.
OK, right now, friends,
it is my great pleasure
to introduce one of
the most talented people in our business -
and it's a real treat to have
him with us on The Muppet Show -
Mr. Paul Williams.
(applause)
(♪ "Old-Fashioned Love Song")
♪ Just an old-fashioned
love song
♪ Playin' on the radio
♪ And wrapped around the music
♪ Is the sound
of someone promising
♪ They'll never go
♪ You'll swear
you've heard it before
♪ As it slowly rambles on and on
♪ No need in bringin' 'em back
♪ 'Cause they've
never really gone
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ Comin' down
in two-part harmony
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ One I'm sure
they wrote for you and me
♪ To weave our dreams upon
♪ Listen to each evenin'
♪ When the lights are low
♪ To underscore our love affair
♪ With tenderness and feeling
♪ That we've come to know
♪ You'll swear
you've heard it before
♪ As it slowly rambles on and on
♪ No need in bringin' 'em back
♪ 'Cause they've
never really gone
♪ That's just an
old-fashioned love song
♪ Comin' down
in three-part harmony
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ One I'm sure
they wrote for you and me
Two, three, four...
(kazoo solo)
(blows into jug)
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ Comin' down
in three-part harmony
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ One I'm sure
they wrote for you and me
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ Comin' down
in three-part harmony
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ One I'm sure
they wrote for you and me ♪
(applause)
Bravo! Bravo!
Encore! Encore!
Heh heh!
He's a credit to his race.
What race is that?
The 100-yard dash.
Welcome to Muppet Labs,
where the future
is being made today.
Folks, let me take just
one moment of your time
to acquaint you with
a fascinating new product.
It's Muppets All-Purpose
Tenderizer.
Now, you can use it
on all sorts of dishes.
For example,
dishes like this one here.
Whoo, that's one of the problems
with dishes, isn't it?
They do tend to break.
But if you had used
All-Purpose Tenderizer
in such fashion as this...
your dish would have been
as tender as this:
Oh, it sets me all aquiver!
Well, it's lovely.
And what it does for dishes
it can do for utensils too.
Watch.
It only takes a second.
So there it is.
Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer.
It's new from Muppet Labs.
Oh, goodness.
OK, who's the smarty-pants
who tenderized the table?
I mean it!
Science, huh?
They can put a man on the moon.
Huh. Yeah, but they can't
put a moon on a man!
"Silence."
A poem by Rowlf.
That's me.
"Silence.
"Hear the nothingness.
"Listen to the quietness
"of everlasting space.
"Down the winding
velvet corridors of time it sweeps,
"and sweeps and sw...
"And sweeps away
the sound of creatures
crying in the night..."
(squawks loudly)
"...creatures crying in the
night... And cry we must.
For we have tasted
the forbidden fruit."
(munching)
"But lo, lo,
the faceless names, name...
"...faceless names,
nameless faces
whisper of our woes."
(whispering)
"But, over all... over all,
"the blessed silence falls.
"Sweet serpentines of silence
singing their sad song."
(singing)
"Out of the silence and dark
we build the music,
silent music."
(cheerful music on radio)
"And the endless emptiness
of emptiness
drumming in our ears..."
(frenzied drum solo)
Will you all get outta here!
(silence)
"But in... in the end,
"all is silence.
"Quiet, silent ways.
All still."
Could you hold it down, Rowlf?
We're trying to do a show here.
(sobs)
You know, when they asked me
to do the show, I was delighted.
This is a great show to do.
I have a special reason
for being very excited. You see...
Except for me,
the entire cast is Muppets.
Muppets are little, tiny things.
For the first time in my life,
no one will make jokes
about how short I am.
For the first time in my life,
I am the tallest person
on the show.
For the first time in my life,
I will cry in front
of 30 million people.
I am a telephone pole.
Hmm...
Fozzie, what are you doing?
It's my new act with Scooter.
I'm practicing
to be a telephone pole.
Hmm...
That's ridiculous.
You don't look
like a telephone pole.
No one would believe
you were a telephone pole.
♪ I am a lineman
for the county... ♪
On the other hand,
what do I know
about telephone poles?
(♪ tea dance music)
Huh. I'll be darned.
You say that's your boy?
How could you have
a son that age?
I didn't. When I had him,
he was just a baby.
Oh, how do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
You are more beautiful
than the summer days.
You know, there's
a lot of ham in you.
(laughs)
That man
is annoying me.
He isn't even
looking at you.
That's what's
annoying me.
(shouting) I can't
understand it!
I just can't seem
to hold onto a job!
My last one only lasted
for ten minutes!
Yeah?
What were you doing? I was a librarian!
Hey, you wanna
take a trip?
Sure, I'd love to.
OK, hang on...
Waaargh!
Aah!
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ I'm in love
with a big blue frog
♪ A big blue frog loves me
♪ It's not as bad as it appears
♪ He wears glasses
and he's six foot three
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ Well, I'm not worried
about our kids
♪ I know they'll turn out neat
♪ They'll be great-lookin'
'cause they'll have my face
♪ Great swimmers
'cause they'll have his feet
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ Well, I know
we can make things work
♪ He's got good family sense
♪ His mother was a frog
in Philadelphia
♪ His daddy, an enchanted prince
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ The neighbors are against it
and it's clear to me
♪ And it's probably clear to you
♪ They think values on their
property will go right down
♪ If the family
next door is blue
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ Well, I'm in love
with a big blue frog
♪ A big blue frog loves me
♪ But it's better than the beau
I had last year
♪ When I loved
a little bumble bee
♪ Oh yeah, loved a bumble bee
♪ Gwamp
♪ Gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit ♪
Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit.
Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit.
Well, Paul, listen.
Listen, Paul.
I just want to say
what a real thrill it is to have you on the show.
That's very kind
of you, Kermit, thank you.
And you know what?
You're not gonna hear any jokes about your being little-bitty
and small and cute and
all that sort of thing, like you are.
You're not gonna hear
that coming from me.
You promise?
No.
Us little guys
gotta stick together. Oh, yeah. Listen...
And besides that,
there have been a lot of famous people who were small in size.
That's true.
Sure, like Napoleon.
Uh... Truman Capote?
Uh... Mickey Rooney.
Tom Thumb.
Not to mention the legendary Wally Blatner.
Wally Blatner, a famous...
Who is Wally Blatner?
Well, he invented
the elevator shoe.
The elevator... really?
Lifts, right?
Right, right.
Whatever happened
to old Wally?
Well, one day somebody
pressed his down button and he was never seen again.
Down button?
Oh, I get it, you mean he...?
That's terrible.
Yeah, if you think that was terrible,
what about the 12 people
who were riding with him?
That's a ludicrous story.
I mean, even told by a frog,
that's ridiculous.
Really?
Hey, do you wear lifts?
Sometimes, yeah.
Oh, yeah?
Going up!
Now Paul is someone
everybody can look up to.
I am a telephone pole.
I am made of solid wood.
I am a telephone pole.
I am made of solid wood.
I am too talented
for my own good.
Will you please...?
Yes, ma'am, you're confirmed.
Two tickets to New York City.
Thank you.
(scat singing)
Hello.
Hello.
I want to go to Pittsburgh.
I can send you
to Pittsburgh first class
on a supersonic jet for $764.
You got anything cheaper?
I can send you
to Pittsburgh coach class on a subsonic jet for 511.
You got anything cheaper?
I can send you to Pittsburgh
excursion economy
in an old prop job
for about 398.
You got anything cheaper?
Yeah, I could send
you to Pittsburgh standing-room only
on a broken-down old bus
for about 75 bucks.
You got anything cheaper?
Yeah, I think I can work
something out for you, pal.
Hey, Charlie, you wanna
mail this to Pittsburgh?
My mother is very religious.
She's a fanatic?
No, she's a church.
And here they are now,
my kind of people,
Wayne and Wanda!
♪ You do
♪ Something to me ♪
Oww! Ow!
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Arnold Stockman,
a retired shoe salesman,
recently had a most
unusual experience
and we at Muppet News central
feel it is a story
that should be shared
with everyone.
Here in his own words
is Mr. Stockman
to tell you
of this bizarre event.
Well, it was
about a week ago
and I was sitting at home
watching television.
It must have been
about 9:00. Mm-hm?
Suddenly the phone rang.
Well, I picked it up,
but there wasn't
anybody there.
So I hung up,
and then I went back
to watching the television.
Darndest thing.
Whenever unusual
events occur,
you'll hear it first
on Muppet News.
Boy, my uncle will be
really interested in this.
That's private
business here, Scooter. Sorry.
And by the way,
you guys are really gonna do the old telephone pole bit?
That's right, chief.
Lots of luck.
Scooter, I won't do it.
What?
I just found out what
the telephone pole bit is and I will not do it!
Oh, come on... Fozzie,
come on, we're on now.
Besides, we'll be terrific!
Scooter, we will
not be terrific.
We will die out there. Die!
Of course we're
not gonna die.
What makes you think
we're gonna die?
Just a hunch.
Folks, we got a little something
different for you tonight in the old comedy spot.
Our own Fozzie Bear is being
joined by our gopher Scooter,
and here they are doing
that classic comedy sketch, the telephone pole bit!
Hello, and what's your name?
Mike Oznowiczsky.
Oh, so you're
the telephone Pole!
Huh. Good old Fozzie.
He's never been better.
Or shorter.
Same difference.
♪ That's a sad song
♪ That used to be our song
♪ The one you just played
♪ I wonder if I'd stayed
♪ What we'd be doin' now
♪ Yeah, but part of bein' people
♪ Is an ever-changing mind
♪ We don't mean to be unkind
♪ We just grow
♪ That's a sad song
♪ That used to be our song
♪ And oh, she sang it too
♪ And every word rang true
♪ Like a bell somehow
♪ When I ran off chasing visions
♪ My emotions made me blind
♪ Like a fool I left behind
♪ An angel's glow
♪ So play it one more time
♪ That sympathy in rhyme
♪ Let those old
familiar feelings
♪ Start to show
♪ Come and sing
my favorite phrase
♪ Oh, from those good old days
♪ Let those tears
and sweet memories flow
♪ Play it one more time
♪ Whoa, sympathy in rhyme
♪ And old familiar feelings
♪ Start to show
♪ Let 'em show
♪ Come and sing
my favorite phrase
♪ From those good old days
♪ Let those tears
and sweet memories flow
♪ Let those tears
and sweet memories flow ♪
(applause and whistling)
Well, that's about
the end of the show, folks.
We'd like to thank our special
guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
Thank you, thank you.
I've loved every minute
of it, little guy.
Except, of course, for
the parts that I hated.
I'm sorry about that, Paul.
But we'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show!
This show is good
for what ails me.
Yeah? Well, what ails you?
Insomnia.
(bum note)
with our special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
New York is so crowded,
even the cemeteries have standing room only.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Mr. Paul Williams!
(cheering and applause)
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hi-ho, good friends.
Hey, we got a great show
for you tonight.
Our special guest
is Mr. Paul Williams,
singer, composer, actor
and all-around good guy,
and we're not gonna do
any jokes about his size.
But he's such
a cute little fella,
we're gonna make him
an honorary Muppet.
Hark! I hear the cannons roar...
No, hark, the cannons r...
Ugh...
Hi, Fozz. What's wrong?
You look worried.
It's my new act. I hope it works.
Oh, come on,
you're the greatest! Yeah?
Yeah, you're always good.
Besides, you're on soon.
Now is no time to panic.
Oh, well, see, I got
ten minutes of jokes here on the war of 1812.
Now is the time to panic.
Listen, if you're
really in trouble,
why don't you just use
the old telephone pole bit?
"The old telephone pole bit?"
Oh, yeah, it's the best.
I don't know it.
It's a classic!
It's a classic?
Yeah!
Terrific. I can use it.
Tell me, what is it?
The curtains open...
The curtains open.
The audience is there...
The audience is there!
There we are together,
on stage... There we are together...
Hold it!
"We?"
Well, yes.
No, you don't understand.
You see, I am a stand-up bear.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah. See...
I... I work alone.
I tell the jokes
on stage, alone.
Ha-ha, no, you don't tell jokes
in the telephone pole bit.
Why not?
Well, you're the telephone pole.
Cute. Cute idea.
We'll see.
OK, right now, friends,
it is my great pleasure
to introduce one of
the most talented people in our business -
and it's a real treat to have
him with us on The Muppet Show -
Mr. Paul Williams.
(applause)
(♪ "Old-Fashioned Love Song")
♪ Just an old-fashioned
love song
♪ Playin' on the radio
♪ And wrapped around the music
♪ Is the sound
of someone promising
♪ They'll never go
♪ You'll swear
you've heard it before
♪ As it slowly rambles on and on
♪ No need in bringin' 'em back
♪ 'Cause they've
never really gone
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ Comin' down
in two-part harmony
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ One I'm sure
they wrote for you and me
♪ To weave our dreams upon
♪ Listen to each evenin'
♪ When the lights are low
♪ To underscore our love affair
♪ With tenderness and feeling
♪ That we've come to know
♪ You'll swear
you've heard it before
♪ As it slowly rambles on and on
♪ No need in bringin' 'em back
♪ 'Cause they've
never really gone
♪ That's just an
old-fashioned love song
♪ Comin' down
in three-part harmony
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ One I'm sure
they wrote for you and me
Two, three, four...
(kazoo solo)
(blows into jug)
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ Comin' down
in three-part harmony
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ One I'm sure
they wrote for you and me
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ Comin' down
in three-part harmony
♪ That's just
an old-fashioned love song
♪ One I'm sure
they wrote for you and me ♪
(applause)
Bravo! Bravo!
Encore! Encore!
Heh heh!
He's a credit to his race.
What race is that?
The 100-yard dash.
Welcome to Muppet Labs,
where the future
is being made today.
Folks, let me take just
one moment of your time
to acquaint you with
a fascinating new product.
It's Muppets All-Purpose
Tenderizer.
Now, you can use it
on all sorts of dishes.
For example,
dishes like this one here.
Whoo, that's one of the problems
with dishes, isn't it?
They do tend to break.
But if you had used
All-Purpose Tenderizer
in such fashion as this...
your dish would have been
as tender as this:
Oh, it sets me all aquiver!
Well, it's lovely.
And what it does for dishes
it can do for utensils too.
Watch.
It only takes a second.
So there it is.
Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer.
It's new from Muppet Labs.
Oh, goodness.
OK, who's the smarty-pants
who tenderized the table?
I mean it!
Science, huh?
They can put a man on the moon.
Huh. Yeah, but they can't
put a moon on a man!
"Silence."
A poem by Rowlf.
That's me.
"Silence.
"Hear the nothingness.
"Listen to the quietness
"of everlasting space.
"Down the winding
velvet corridors of time it sweeps,
"and sweeps and sw...
"And sweeps away
the sound of creatures
crying in the night..."
(squawks loudly)
"...creatures crying in the
night... And cry we must.
For we have tasted
the forbidden fruit."
(munching)
"But lo, lo,
the faceless names, name...
"...faceless names,
nameless faces
whisper of our woes."
(whispering)
"But, over all... over all,
"the blessed silence falls.
"Sweet serpentines of silence
singing their sad song."
(singing)
"Out of the silence and dark
we build the music,
silent music."
(cheerful music on radio)
"And the endless emptiness
of emptiness
drumming in our ears..."
(frenzied drum solo)
Will you all get outta here!
(silence)
"But in... in the end,
"all is silence.
"Quiet, silent ways.
All still."
Could you hold it down, Rowlf?
We're trying to do a show here.
(sobs)
You know, when they asked me
to do the show, I was delighted.
This is a great show to do.
I have a special reason
for being very excited. You see...
Except for me,
the entire cast is Muppets.
Muppets are little, tiny things.
For the first time in my life,
no one will make jokes
about how short I am.
For the first time in my life,
I am the tallest person
on the show.
For the first time in my life,
I will cry in front
of 30 million people.
I am a telephone pole.
Hmm...
Fozzie, what are you doing?
It's my new act with Scooter.
I'm practicing
to be a telephone pole.
Hmm...
That's ridiculous.
You don't look
like a telephone pole.
No one would believe
you were a telephone pole.
♪ I am a lineman
for the county... ♪
On the other hand,
what do I know
about telephone poles?
(♪ tea dance music)
Huh. I'll be darned.
You say that's your boy?
How could you have
a son that age?
I didn't. When I had him,
he was just a baby.
Oh, how do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
You are more beautiful
than the summer days.
You know, there's
a lot of ham in you.
(laughs)
That man
is annoying me.
He isn't even
looking at you.
That's what's
annoying me.
(shouting) I can't
understand it!
I just can't seem
to hold onto a job!
My last one only lasted
for ten minutes!
Yeah?
What were you doing? I was a librarian!
Hey, you wanna
take a trip?
Sure, I'd love to.
OK, hang on...
Waaargh!
Aah!
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ I'm in love
with a big blue frog
♪ A big blue frog loves me
♪ It's not as bad as it appears
♪ He wears glasses
and he's six foot three
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ Well, I'm not worried
about our kids
♪ I know they'll turn out neat
♪ They'll be great-lookin'
'cause they'll have my face
♪ Great swimmers
'cause they'll have his feet
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ Well, I know
we can make things work
♪ He's got good family sense
♪ His mother was a frog
in Philadelphia
♪ His daddy, an enchanted prince
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ The neighbors are against it
and it's clear to me
♪ And it's probably clear to you
♪ They think values on their
property will go right down
♪ If the family
next door is blue
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit
♪ Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
♪ Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit...
♪ Well, I'm in love
with a big blue frog
♪ A big blue frog loves me
♪ But it's better than the beau
I had last year
♪ When I loved
a little bumble bee
♪ Oh yeah, loved a bumble bee
♪ Gwamp
♪ Gwamp
♪ Gribbit-gribbit ♪
Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit.
Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp...
Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit.
Well, Paul, listen.
Listen, Paul.
I just want to say
what a real thrill it is to have you on the show.
That's very kind
of you, Kermit, thank you.
And you know what?
You're not gonna hear any jokes about your being little-bitty
and small and cute and
all that sort of thing, like you are.
You're not gonna hear
that coming from me.
You promise?
No.
Us little guys
gotta stick together. Oh, yeah. Listen...
And besides that,
there have been a lot of famous people who were small in size.
That's true.
Sure, like Napoleon.
Uh... Truman Capote?
Uh... Mickey Rooney.
Tom Thumb.
Not to mention the legendary Wally Blatner.
Wally Blatner, a famous...
Who is Wally Blatner?
Well, he invented
the elevator shoe.
The elevator... really?
Lifts, right?
Right, right.
Whatever happened
to old Wally?
Well, one day somebody
pressed his down button and he was never seen again.
Down button?
Oh, I get it, you mean he...?
That's terrible.
Yeah, if you think that was terrible,
what about the 12 people
who were riding with him?
That's a ludicrous story.
I mean, even told by a frog,
that's ridiculous.
Really?
Hey, do you wear lifts?
Sometimes, yeah.
Oh, yeah?
Going up!
Now Paul is someone
everybody can look up to.
I am a telephone pole.
I am made of solid wood.
I am a telephone pole.
I am made of solid wood.
I am too talented
for my own good.
Will you please...?
Yes, ma'am, you're confirmed.
Two tickets to New York City.
Thank you.
(scat singing)
Hello.
Hello.
I want to go to Pittsburgh.
I can send you
to Pittsburgh first class
on a supersonic jet for $764.
You got anything cheaper?
I can send you
to Pittsburgh coach class on a subsonic jet for 511.
You got anything cheaper?
I can send you to Pittsburgh
excursion economy
in an old prop job
for about 398.
You got anything cheaper?
Yeah, I could send
you to Pittsburgh standing-room only
on a broken-down old bus
for about 75 bucks.
You got anything cheaper?
Yeah, I think I can work
something out for you, pal.
Hey, Charlie, you wanna
mail this to Pittsburgh?
My mother is very religious.
She's a fanatic?
No, she's a church.
And here they are now,
my kind of people,
Wayne and Wanda!
♪ You do
♪ Something to me ♪
Oww! Ow!
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Arnold Stockman,
a retired shoe salesman,
recently had a most
unusual experience
and we at Muppet News central
feel it is a story
that should be shared
with everyone.
Here in his own words
is Mr. Stockman
to tell you
of this bizarre event.
Well, it was
about a week ago
and I was sitting at home
watching television.
It must have been
about 9:00. Mm-hm?
Suddenly the phone rang.
Well, I picked it up,
but there wasn't
anybody there.
So I hung up,
and then I went back
to watching the television.
Darndest thing.
Whenever unusual
events occur,
you'll hear it first
on Muppet News.
Boy, my uncle will be
really interested in this.
That's private
business here, Scooter. Sorry.
And by the way,
you guys are really gonna do the old telephone pole bit?
That's right, chief.
Lots of luck.
Scooter, I won't do it.
What?
I just found out what
the telephone pole bit is and I will not do it!
Oh, come on... Fozzie,
come on, we're on now.
Besides, we'll be terrific!
Scooter, we will
not be terrific.
We will die out there. Die!
Of course we're
not gonna die.
What makes you think
we're gonna die?
Just a hunch.
Folks, we got a little something
different for you tonight in the old comedy spot.
Our own Fozzie Bear is being
joined by our gopher Scooter,
and here they are doing
that classic comedy sketch, the telephone pole bit!
Hello, and what's your name?
Mike Oznowiczsky.
Oh, so you're
the telephone Pole!
Huh. Good old Fozzie.
He's never been better.
Or shorter.
Same difference.
♪ That's a sad song
♪ That used to be our song
♪ The one you just played
♪ I wonder if I'd stayed
♪ What we'd be doin' now
♪ Yeah, but part of bein' people
♪ Is an ever-changing mind
♪ We don't mean to be unkind
♪ We just grow
♪ That's a sad song
♪ That used to be our song
♪ And oh, she sang it too
♪ And every word rang true
♪ Like a bell somehow
♪ When I ran off chasing visions
♪ My emotions made me blind
♪ Like a fool I left behind
♪ An angel's glow
♪ So play it one more time
♪ That sympathy in rhyme
♪ Let those old
familiar feelings
♪ Start to show
♪ Come and sing
my favorite phrase
♪ Oh, from those good old days
♪ Let those tears
and sweet memories flow
♪ Play it one more time
♪ Whoa, sympathy in rhyme
♪ And old familiar feelings
♪ Start to show
♪ Let 'em show
♪ Come and sing
my favorite phrase
♪ From those good old days
♪ Let those tears
and sweet memories flow
♪ Let those tears
and sweet memories flow ♪
(applause and whistling)
Well, that's about
the end of the show, folks.
We'd like to thank our special
guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
Thank you, thank you.
I've loved every minute
of it, little guy.
Except, of course, for
the parts that I hated.
I'm sorry about that, Paul.
But we'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show!
This show is good
for what ails me.
Yeah? Well, what ails you?
Insomnia.
(bum note)