The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 7 - Florence Henderson - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI
guest star, Miss Florence Henderson,

# It's time to play the music

# It's time to light the lights

# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

# It's time to put on makeup

# It's time to dress up right

# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Prices are so high, yesterday
I bought a pound of hamburger

and had to have a cosigner,

# To introduce our guest star

# That's what I'm here to do



# So it really makes me happy

# To introduce to you

Miss Florence Henderson!

# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

# This is what we call

# The Muppet Show

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,

Now, welcome to the show, and what a
fantastic program we have for you tonight,

Our guest star is the beautifuI
and talented Florence Henderson,

Boy, she is really great,
But to open the show,

one of the most exciting acrobatic
acts in the entire business,

the Bouncing Borsolino Brothers,

They've been bouncing
since they were baby boys,



In fact, the doctor wasn't even sure they
were boys untiI they stopped bouncing,

So here they are, all the way from Boston,
the Bouncing Borsolino Brothers! Yeah!

El pyramido. The pyramid,

One,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Five,

Six, That's me,

Why did you do that, Tiny?
- I didn't do nothing,

I told you not to get on the top,

Well, they really brought down the house,
- Well, at least the stage,

...975 pounds, I told
you not to get on the top,

You're a big disappointment, you guys,
- Hey, will you guys watch it? Hey, watch it,

George? Will you go out there and
clean up after the pigs, please?

I am sick and tired of cleaning
up after them lousy pigs,

Well, George, you can always quit,

What? And get out of show business?

George, will you move the body?
- All right, I'll move the body,

I moved the body,

My brother has ghosts in his attic,
- Sounds scary,

Yeah, He's on the
Ten Most Haunted list,

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're happy now, truly,

to present a star of stage,
screen and television,

the mother of six on The Brady Bunch,

and the mother of her
own bunch of four at home,

our guest for the evening, the
lovely Miss Florence Henderson,

# You might wake up some morning

# To the sound of something
moving past your window in the wind

# And if you're quick enough to rise

# You'll catch the fleeting
glimpse of someone's fading shadow

# Out on the new horizon

# You may see the floating
motion of a distant pair of wings

# And if the sleep has left your ears

# You might hear footsteps
running through an open meadow

# Don't be concerned

# It will not harm you

# It's only me pursuing
something I'm not sure of

# Across my dream

# With nets of wonder

# I chase the bright,
elusive butterfly of love

# You might have heard my footsteps
echo softly in the distance

# Through the canyons of your mind

# I might have even called your name

# As I ran searching after
something to believe in

# Don't be concerned

# It will not harm you

# It's only me pursuing
something I'm not sure of

# Across my dream

# With nets of wonder

# I chase the bright,
elusive butterfly of love

# I chase the bright,
elusive butterfly

# Of love

I told you not to
let fatso on the top,

Don't blame me, I'm only a young pig,
- Pigs, Listen, pigs,

Will you guys get out of here,
please? Come on, pigs, Out! Out!

Move it! Move it! Get out of here,

Out, out, out, out, out!
- Oh, Kermit,

You have such a masculine yell,
- Oh, yeah,

Is there anything at all,

anything I can do for you, my dear?
- No,

Because I want to make you happy,
- Good,

When you're happy, the pig is happy,
- WonderfuI,

Oh, my love! My life!

Argh!

Forgive me for being so
forward, but I'm a liberated pig,

Urgh,
- Ta,

It must be my animaI musk,

Two, three, four, two, three...

You know, the trouble with kids today
is they don't know what they want,

When I was a kid, I never wanted that,

They're just a couple of floor hogs,
- Yeah,

I don't know, maybe it's the wine
talking - in fact, I'm sure it is -

but you're beautifuI,

Now tell me the truth, You really
don't like dancing with a dog, do you?

What makes you say that?
- It's that flea collar you're wearing,

I think we ought to
move out of the ghetto

and find ourselves a nice
little dump in the suburbs,

Oh, honey, I love you like the plague,

Can we take this moment
to announce our engagement?

Yeah, why not?
- Oh!

We're engaged!

I've waited so long! We're engaged!

Florence,

your eyes are like two limpid pools,
- Oh, that's very sweet, Kermit,

And when I look into
your eyes, I'm spellbound,

And when I look into those
eyes I see... I see...

Yes? Come on, tell me what you see,

I see trouble,

Hm, hm, hm, Well, well, well,

While the pig's away,
the frog will play, hm?

Hi, Piggy,
- Don't "Hi, Piggy" me, you frog stealer,

Piggy, you have it all
wrong there, You see...

In a pig's eye
- I mean, in a person's eye!

Yes, you do have it wrong, Piggy,
- Oh?

Yes, Kermit was just practicing on
me what he really wants to say to you,

What?
- Oh,

You mean it?
- No,

Oh, Kermit!

Oh!

My love! My love! My life!

Oh, I am like putty in your hands,

Putty! Putty!
- # Cement mixer

Nothing,
- But...

What happened? What happened?

Piggy, Piggy, come here a minute,
- Yes?

Listen, Can I give you a little tip?

Oh, no, There's no need
for that, I'm well paid,

No, I mean about men,

Oh, my dear, I'm sure
you know about men,

But, honey,

make one move toward
that frog's bod...

Mmm,

Piggy, Kermit and I
are old friends, honest,

You mean there's nothing...?
- No, we're just... It's just platonic, really,

Oh! Oh!

Oh, thank you so much! Thank you!

Oh, I'm off to find
my love, Oh, oh, oh!

She's crazy,

Has she gone?
- Yes, She's off to find her love!

I told you never to touch him!

Hii-yah! -
Piggy! Stop it!

When I was a puppy, I used to
enjoy reading about Winnie the Pooh,

He's a bear, like Fozzie Bear, but...

Well, not very much like Fozzie Bear,

This is a song he would sing

when somebody would say something
he didn't quite understand,

He could have said, "What?"
or "I beg your pardon?"

But Pooh would instead sing this song,

which he made up for singing
when his brain felt fluffy,

Goes like this:

# Cottleston,
Cottleston, Cottleston pie

# A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly

# Ask me a riddle and I reply

# Cottleston,
Cottleston, Cottleston pie

Now, this is where
the song changes key,

What we call a modulation,

That's G sharp minor,

# Cottleston,
Cottleston, Cottleston pie

# A fish can't whistle
and neither can I

# Ask me a riddle and I reply

# Cottleston, Cottleston

# Cottleston pie

# Cottleston,
Cottleston, Cottleston pie

# Why does a chicken? I don't know why

# Ask me a riddle and I reply

# Cottleston,
Cottleston, Cottleston pie

OK, Time once again, friends, to raise
the intellectuaI leveI of our program,

as our paneI discusses
questions of lasting importance,

And our guest tonight is
Miss Florence Henderson,

Thank you, Good evening, everyone,
- Hey, baby,

OK, And tonight's question is one
that has bothered scholars everywhere:

"Was William Shakespeare
in fact Bacon?"

Is this some kind of bad joke?

I-I-I don't understand,
Piggy, - Bacon, my love, bacon,

I am tired of these continuaI pig slurs,
- Oh,

You know, we pigs have feelings too,
- Oh, no, no, no, no,

You see, I meant Francis Bacon,

France's bacon, Italy's
bacon, Czechoslovakia's bacon,

Who cares? It's all bad taste,

Oh, no, Bacon tastes reaI good, I had some
this morning, Really made a pig of myself!

That does it! Pigs
of the world, unite!

Piggy, Please, Piggy, We
don't have time for that now,

Yeah, Besides, you're always
hogging the time, Get it? Hogging?

Get this, weirdo,
Hii-yah! Hii-yah!

Hii-yah!
Hii-yah!

Wait a minute! Hold it, hold
it, hold it! Wait a minute!

Piggy, come on, now, Can we
get back to the subject in hand?

Miss Piggy, please,
- I'm sorry,

Get back over there, OK, the
subject in hand, Florence?

Well, there's no question in my mind,
- As to what?

Nothing, There's no question
in my mind, No answer either,

We have a saying in my country:

"A woman who laughs at her own jokes
seldom has branches on her shoetrees,"

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard,
- So, don't visit our country,

Please, The topic is... The topic is:

"Were Shakespeare's works
actually written by Francis Bacon?"

All right, all right, Listen,

We've been listening offstage and we've
had enough of this garbage about bacon,

Right, We pigs are true artists,

Miss Henderson, would you
like to see our acrobatic act?

Yes, I'd love to,

No, no, you don't
want to see the acrobatic act,

And one, and...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's cute, Cute act,

I'm sorry about that,
Miss Henderson, but...

Listen, we'll be back next week with
another vitaI question for our paneI:

"Do attack dogs make
good house pets?"

Wake... wake me when the show starts,

It's already been on a while,
- Oh,

Wake me when it's over,

We got to get organized down here, Will
somebody tell those pigs to knock it off?

Knock it off!

Knock it off!
- Knock it off!

Now, will we knock off
the knocking-it-offs?

Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
- Knock off the knocking-it-offs!

Knock off the
knocking-it-offs! - Knock it off!

You'll not see any more pigs on this
show, If I ever see another pig...

Oh, Kermit, every time you yell

it sends a shudder through my body,
- WonderfuI,

I tremble with desire and
uncontrollable passion,

In you I see a seething volcano ready
to erupt like Vesuvius and explode...

Aaargh! We have a show to
do! Will you get out of here?

He loves me,
- I give up,

I knew you would,

Aaargh! Oh! Argh!

OK, here he comes again now, folks,

so stand by, sit tight, hold
on and fasten your seatbelts,

The Muppet Show's own furry funnyman,

here he is, Mr, Fozzie Bear!

Thank you, Thank you,
Thank you, Thank you,

OK, gang, Grab your
shoes and grab your socks,

Here come the jokes,
here come the yocks,

Now, tonight I'm gonna try and
put something new in my act,

Yeah, Like comedy, maybe,

Hey, look, guys, I paid a
lot of money for this new act

and I want to see if it's good, OK?

Could it possibly be good?
- Could it possibly be worse?

OK, now, tonight I will do impressions
of great movie actors from great movies,

Great! WonderfuI!
- Love 'em!

OK, OK, OK, OK,

First, Humphrey
Bogart from Casablanca.

Play it again, Sam,

OK, OK, OK, OK,

Now, next is Jimmy Cagney
from Mister Roberts.

Who took my palm tree?

OK, next, Cary Grant
from all his movies,

Judy, Judy, Judy,

Listen, all your
impressions sound the same,

I can't help that, They were
all written by the same writer,

He's got a point there,
- Yeah, on his head,

OK, any other impressions?
Impressions, huh?

Yeah, We'd like to see an
impression of a bear leaving a stage,

Gotcha, Gotcha,
Presenting a bare stage,

Ha, Bare, Get it? I'm a
bear, No one on the stage,

Oh, I'm terrific, I love me, I'm too good
for this show, Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,

You know, he's getting better,
- Yeah, or we're getting worse,

Once again, the lovely
Miss Florence Henderson,

Ah, Florence, I don't
quite know how to say this,

but me and a lot of the
guys are really fond of you,

Oh, Lizard, that's very flattering,

# Imagine me and you, I do

# I think about you day and night

# It's only right to think about
the girI you love and hold her tight

# So happy together

# If I should call
you up, invest a dime

# And you say you belong
to me and ease my mind

# Imagine how the world
would be, so very fine

# So happy together

# I can't see me
loving nobody but you

# For all my life

# When you're with me,
baby, the skies will be blue

# For all my life

- # Me and you
- # And you and me

# No matter how they toss
the dice, it has to be

- # The only one for me is you
- # And you for me

# So happy together

Come on, everybody, sing it!

# I can't see me
loving nobody but you

# For all my life

# When you're with me,
baby, the skies will be blue

# For all my life

- # Me and you
- # And you and me

# So happy together

# So happy together

# Bah, bah, bah,
bah, bah, bah, bah, bah

# So happy together

# We're happy

# Together

We didn't have time for Gonzo on
the show this week, That's too bad,

Well, Romeo, how are you and
Miss Henderson getting along, hm?

Piggy, jealousy doesn't become you,

Jealous? Moi?

'Tis to laugh,

I'm just glad that other
women find my frog attractive,

Your frog?

"Piggy," said the frog, trying to couch
his next words in the gentlest of terms:

"I am not your frog!"

Methinks thou doth protest too much,
- What?

Shakespeare,
- Sounds more like Bacon,

From a ham,

How would you like a pork chop?

Hii-yah!

Hii-yah!
Hii-yah!

You always hurt the one you love,
- Oh,

Hii-yah!

Oh, Florence,

You know, I could really fall for you,

Oh, sweetums,

Are you serious?

He's serious,

This is Kermit the Frog speaking
to you from the planet Koozebane,

There's a hush in the air,

This is the traditionaI time of
courtship of the Koozebanian creatures,

We're waiting now for the
male Koozebanian creature

to make the first move,

Hii-yoo!

Hark! That may be him now,

Hii-yoo! Wang, wang, wang,
wang, wang, wang, wang, wang!

Wonk wonk!

Now, that is the "wonk wonk"
signaI to the female creature,

Let's see if she makes
the traditionaI response,

Yeah, that is the traditionaI
response to the wonk wonk,

Ah, there she
is, and what a beauty,

Now the tender rituaI begins,

Watch as the male makes the first overture
to the female, known as the "hargee,"

Hargee!

Hargee!

Haaargee!

I believe she likes him,

Hii-yoo!

Hii-yoo!

Hiiii-yoo!

Boy, did you see that?
That was the signaI,

They're going to do the
"galley-oh-hoop-hoop,"

This should be very exciting,

It's a television first, ladies and
gentlemen, the Koozebanian galley-oh-hoop-hoop,

Watch closely, now,
They're going far away,

He's just about to make his turn now,

Hey you,

mar brabee!

Me braboobee!

O-o-o-o-o-oh,
yahoo!

Wow! Stavite!

This is it, ladies and gentlemen,
the galley-oh-hoop-hoop,

Galley-oh!

Hoop hoop!

Well, there you have it, friends,
Once again, love comes to Koozebane,

OK, well, that's about all the
show we have for you tonight,

We want to thank our very speciaI
guest, Miss Florence Henderson!

Yeah!

Hey, listen, Thank you,
Florence, for being our guest,

We hope you enjoyed
it as much as we did,

Oh, you know I did, Kermit,
especially our love scene,

Wire for Miss Henderson,
Wire for Miss Henderson,

Are you Miss Henderson?
- You know I am, Fozzie,

There's a wire for you,

Well, that does it, folks, We'll see
you all next time on The Muppet Show!

I loved it,
- So what? You also loved World War II,