The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
It's The Muppet Show,
with tonight's
special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time
to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
My cousin is so thin,
he paints his head gold
and rents himself out as a flagpole.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Mr. Jim Nabors!
(applause)
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(clang)
(applause)
Thank you. Thank you,
thank you. All right.
Here we are once again
with another great show for you,
with our special guest star -
Mr. Jim Nabors,
and all of this...
all of this is coming to you, by the way,
from the Benny Vandergast
Memorial Theater.
We on The Muppet Show
owe everything to Benny,
including
three months back rent.
So in lieu of the rent,
here's the fantastic
Dr. Teeth with "Money."
Yeah!
(applause)
♪ Don't want no loving,
don't want no kissing
♪ Don't want no gal
to call me "honey"
♪ Don't want my name
in the Hall of Fame
♪ Just want
a big fat pile of money
♪ Give me that
almighty dollar
♪ For that lettuce,
hear me holler
♪ Give me
buckets full of ducats
♪ Let me walk around
and waller
♪ In Mazuma, el dinero
♪ Wanna be a millionaire-oh
♪ Give me money, money,
money, money, money
♪ I want that
green ammunition
♪ That's the stuff
for which I'm wishing
♪ Fill my closets
with deposits
♪ I'm a demon in addition
♪ Give me shekels,
give me pesos,
♪ Let me see
their smiling face-ohs
♪ Money, money,
money, money, money
♪ I wanna get me a suit
that's made out of loot
♪ And whistle
"The Wearing of the Green"
♪ I've got that
monetary-itis
♪ Like to be
just like King Midas
♪ Want that golden touch
is what I mean
♪ Give me that
old double eagle
♪ Want that tender
that is legal
♪ And financially,
substantially
♪ Any sum I can inveigle
♪ Wanna live in regal splendor
with that loving legal tender
♪ Money, money,
money, money, money
(laughs)
♪ I'm a greenback collector,
I'm a paper-bill inspector
♪ I'm a savage
for that cabbage
♪ Man, to me,
it's golden nectar
♪ Pour that filthy lucre on me
♪ Spread those
loving germs upon me
♪ Money, money, money,
money, money
♪ And if they ever
plant trees of
♪ E pluribus unum
♪ I wanna be the guy
who they send out to prune 'em
♪ Oh, give me money, money,
whoo, money, money, money ♪
Oh, yeah! Waah!
Well, they don't write
the old songs anymore.
Yeah, they only write
new ones.
Yeah. Huh?
Oh, Dr. Teeth,
you are one hip dude.
Nice number, nice number.
Don't lose any of that money, though.
Oh, I won't, I won't.
Hi. Are you
Kermit the Frog?
Uh, yeah.
I'm Scooter.
Cute. Cute name.
I'm your new gofer.
Gopher? No, no.
We have frogs and pigs and chickens around here,
but we've never had
a gopher.
Matter of fact, you don't
even look like a gopher.
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, well,
you don't understand.
You see, I'm your new gofer.
Yeah, I'll go for coffee,
I'll go for sandwiches.
I'll go for anything
you need. I see.
Yeah, well, I work real cheap,
and I got plenty of ideas for your theater,
and I'll start tonight, OK?
Listen, kid, I'm sorry,
but you're too young,
you don't have any experience,
and I don't have any money for it in the budget.
Yeah, well, my uncle
owns this theater.
You start today,
get me a cup of coffee,
your salary is 20 a week.
Stand by for the next number.
Could you make it 25?
Are you kidding?
I can't afford it.
Gee, my uncle will be
really disappointed.
How about 30?
My wife's
not feeling well.
Oh, sorry to hear it.
What's the trouble?
She's got the shingles.
Muppet news flash.
Billy Lee Boomer, a gas station
attendant from Penny Box, Texas,
reported a flying saucer landed
at his station last night.
Said Mr. Boomer...
They didn't
want no gas.
They just wanted
to use the restroom.
Can't say as I blame 'em.
Said they'd traveled 83 million
miles without a stop.
Hey, Animal.
Are you on next? Yeah.
Well, as they say in show
business, break a leg.
What?
Said, break a leg.
Oh, thank you!
(roars)
Ow!
(groans) George, George.
Come here.
I'm busy.
Come here.
Have you met Scooter? Now, this
is Scooter. He's our new gofer,
so if you need anything
around here, you know...
Need anything?
Me, need anything from some young kid?
Huh. Listen, kid.
I've been with this theater
since the very beginning, you know?
Before that new guy
bought it and ruined it.
Huh. Now the roof leaks
and the seats are torn,
the furnace is on the fritz.
I tell ya, he is the worst.
Yeah, he's my uncle.
He is the best.
What's a theater
without problems? Right.
Your uncle's got a good
head on his shoulders. Oh?
Unlike some people
around here.
(♪ tea dance music)
10, 11, 12...
Yeah, go.
You know,
my marriage was wrecked
by something really stupid.
What was that?
My husband.
You know, my doctor says
I'm getting the Asian flu.
What did he say to do?
He says take
two fortune cookies,
and he'd call me
in the morning.
Do you believe
in the hereafter?
Oh, yes.
Ah, then you know
what I'm here after.
Oh, I just love this music.
(screeching) Are you
listening to me?
Your voice
is music to my ears.
You got something I've been
looking for all my life.
Well, it's halftime.
It is?
Yeah.
What's the score?
Muppets, six,
audience, nothing.
All right, now,
this is what you call
your dog
kind of music here,
as you'll see.
Sing it.
♪ Bowery corner
♪ Foggy night
♪ Passing crowd
♪ Electric light
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
♪ German chef
♪ Can of tin
♪ Sausages
are boiled within
Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf.
♪ Yeller dog
♪ Nearby prowls
♪ Smells a sausage
(growls)
♪ Softly growls
♪ Clumsy man
♪ Wooden leg
♪ Upsets the boiler
with his peg
(howls)
♪ Spills a sausage
♪ Scatters wurst
♪ Yeller dog
♪ He gets there first
♪ He grabs the sausage
♪ Splits the fog
♪ It's another case
♪ Of dog eat dog
♪ It's another case
♪ Of dog eat dog
(sustains note)
(howls)
Hey, you know, Jim,
it's a real pleasure
to have you with us
on the show.
Well, thank you, Kermit.
It's a real pleasure to be here.
I'm sort of
an old country boy,
and I feel right at home
with all these chickens and roosters and pigs.
Especially that Miss Piggy.
I just love her.
Piggy Lee.
You called, my love?
Hey, Miss Piggy.
Piggy, if you don't mind,
Jim and I are just trying to hold a quiet conversation.
Oh, go right ahead.
Don't mind me.
Kermit, one thing -
I never know
whether to call him Jim or Gomer.
Well, I guess it is
kinda confusing.
You see, I played Gomer Pyle
on television for...
Gomer Pyle?
I love Gomer Pyle. Oh, thank you.
Well, I played him for so long,
I guess I get confused myself.
But it goes along with
my astrological sign. You see, I'm a Gemini.
That means I got
twin personalities.
Oh, yeah. Hey, listen,
well, I'm a Taurus.
You're Taurus. That's
the sign of the bull, isn't it?
I'm a bullfrog.
That's just a little joke.
What sign were you
born under, Piggy?
Well, I, uh, wasn't
born under a sign.
I was born
over a sign.
At Becker's
Butcher Shop.
I moved as soon
as possible.
I don't blame you.
Mmm, mmm.
Hey, I was wondering,
Jim,
does being a Gemini
give you any kind of problems?
Well, it sure does, you know,
because I talk like this,
but then I sing like this...
(sings opera)
What happened to Kermit?
He doesn't appreciate
classical music, James.
But it drives me
bananas.
Oh, sing again, please...
Wait a minute, Miss Piggy.
Oh, Jim! Oh,
I love when you sing.
Control yourself,
Miss Piggy. Kermit!
Kermit? Kermit?
Could you... Yeah, Fozzie.
H-H-Hold it.
Wh-Wh-What?
Listen. "Wh-Wh-What?"
Listen. Listen.
There is
a young kid
following me
all around the theater.
Yeah, I know.
His name is Scooter.
Cute. Cute name.
Yeah.
The trouble is, you see,
he's following me all around
and giving me
these jokes for my act,
and they are awful.
Fozzie,
how would you know?
How would I know?
Smarty frog.
OK, OK, listen.
Here's one of these jokes he gave me.
It's terrible.
OK, a joke.
Hilda, Gonzo, this is
one of these jokes.
I stay at a hotel
so exclusive,
room service
has an unlisted number.
(all laugh)
That's funny!
Scooter! Scooter!
And here they are,
the world's finest
and most morally unobjectionable
singing team -
Wayne and Wanda.
And now,
"Indian Love Call."
♪ When I'm calling
yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ou
Hey, baby.
You called?
Oh!
(sobs)
OK, uh...
uh, here we are,
moving right along now,
the comedy star of our show -
the man who comes to us direct
from a very long engagement,
but a very short marriage,
the man who
thinks that Elton John is a singing bathroom,
I'd like to bring out
one of the top comics of the business...
Hey, since he's not here,
bring out the regular guy.
OK, here he is now,
our very own barrel of boffs,
Mr. Fozzie Bear!
(applause)
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Time for fun
with Fozzie Bear.
Here's some jokes
from everywhere.
Hey, hey, hey,
it's that silly bear.
It's time for the audience
to go elsewhere.
(clears throat)
If you don't mind,
I'll do the jokes.
We don't mind.
But when are you gonna do 'em?
Pay no attention
to them, folks.
They don't bother me.
I can handle hecklers in my sleep.
Oh, well, don't tell that
to the audience.
They're asleep, too.
Uh, uh... Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Oh. Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Uh... listen.
I'm going to
tell you my best joke, and if you don't laugh,
then I'll never come back out
on this stage again, OK?
It's a deal.
Yeah.
Oh.
Ah. Ah, uh, uh...
These two cannibals
were talking.
One cannibal says
to the other cannibal,
"Who was that lady
I saw you out with last night?"
The other cannibal says,
"That was no lady,
that was my lunch."
I got you, I got you.
And I lied.
That was my worst joke.
Oh, I love me when I'm good.
Pacing, timing...
Why did we laugh
at that terrible joke?
Well, either
we're getting soft,
or we're in
the first stages of senility.
(strong Southern accent)
Go-o-olly.
Here it is, my first night
at Benson's Bakery as watchman,
and I gotta be real careful,
not let anybody in here.
Uh-oh. Here comes
somebody now. (sings)
Wait! Stop right there.
Stop right there.
Put up your hands.
Put up your hands. I beg pardon?
Your hands. Put 'em up.
Oh. Oh, OK.
What's that?
Those are my hens.
Where shall I put 'em?
Well, right here
on the table, I guess.
OK.
Now wait a minute,
wait a minute.
What "rat" have you got
to be here?
What rat do I have?
Well, I got this rat
right here.
Oh, well, I guess you do
have a "rat" to be here.
Mmm. Thank you.
Now wait a minute.
Don't move a hair.
OK.
What's that?
That's the hare I'm not supposed to move.
Now wait a minute. I don't want
any beef out of you.
No beef. OK.
Here's some pork.
Now, now, now
wait just a minute.
What are all you animals
doing here?
This is supposed
to be a bakery.
You see, the farmer's
been losing money.
We came here
to raise some dough!
Well, well, well,
I'm sure glad we got that straightened out.
For a minute there,
I thought you were just being silly.
"Let me tell you about
my nearsighted cousin...
Hi, Fozzie.
Let me tell you..."
Oh. Oh.
Hi. Hi, Scooter.
Hey, Foz, you know,
I think you're
the greatest comedian there ever was.
Me?
You think that
I'm the... Oh, wow.
Really, I mean it.
Cross my heart. Yeah?
You're the best. Nobody,
nobody tells a joke as good as you.
Every line, every joke,
everything you say,
it makes me
fall down laughing.
You're a million laughs.
OK. Hey, hey...
in that case, "Let me tell you
about my nearsighted cousin.
"He's so rich
his automobile's fitted with
a prescription windshield."
OK, tell me about him.
Lucky his uncle
owns this place.
That was a joke!
And now, once again, folks,
Mr. Jim Nabors.
♪ Well, life on the farm
is kinda laid back
♪ Ain't much an old country boy
like me can't hack
♪ It's early to rise
and early in the sack
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Simple kind of life
never done me no harm
♪ I'm raising me a family
and working on a farm
♪ My days are all filled
with an easy country charm
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle
♪ The sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle
♪ Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Work's all done,
and the sun's setting low
♪ I pull out my fiddle,
and I rosin up my bow
♪ The kids are asleep,
so I keep it kinda low
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ I'd play "Sally Goodin"
all day if I could
♪ But the Lord and the wife
wouldn't take it very good
♪ I fiddle when I can,
and I work when I should
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle
♪ The sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle
♪ Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
Yaa-ha!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
♪ I wouldn't trade my life
for diamonds or jewels
♪ I never was one of them
money-hungry fools
♪ I'd rather have my fiddle
and my farming tools
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ City folks driving
in a black limousine
♪ A lot of sad people
think that's mighty keen
♪ Folks, let me tell you
exactly what I mean
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle
♪ When the sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle
♪ Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
(cluck rhythm)
♪ Fiddle was my daddy's
till the day that he died
♪ He took me by the hand
and held me close to his side
♪ Said, "Live a good life,
play the fiddle with pride"
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Daddy taught me young
how to hunt and how to whittle
♪ He taught me how to work
and play a tune on the fiddle
♪ Taught me how to love
and give just a little
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle
♪ As the sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle
♪ Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle
♪ Thank God
I'm a country boy ♪
(cheering and applause)
Well, that just about wraps it
up for another one.
We want to give
our special thanks
to our very special guest star -
Mr. Jim Nabors.
Yeah, let's hear it
for Jim. (applause)
Hey, Jim, I hope
you had a good time.
I sure did, Kermit.
But tell me, who was
that little old fella
that kept following me
throughout the show?
Oh, that's Scooter.
His uncle owns the theater.
You called?
No, I didn't.
Oh, that's OK, Kermit.
He was real nice.
He picked up my coffee, and
he picked up my wardrobe...
Yeah, I even picked up
his accent.
Well, go-o-olly!
Be careful he doesn't try
to pick up your paycheck.
I'm shocked!
I'm Fozzie.
I'm Piggy.
I'm Animal.
Well, I'm saying good night.
We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.
Go-o-olly.
(all) Go-o-olly.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
Pay up. They made it
through another one.
Double or nothing,
next week's show?
You're on.
(bum note)
with tonight's
special guest star, Mr. Jim Nabors.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time
to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
My cousin is so thin,
he paints his head gold
and rents himself out as a flagpole.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Mr. Jim Nabors!
(applause)
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(clang)
(applause)
Thank you. Thank you,
thank you. All right.
Here we are once again
with another great show for you,
with our special guest star -
Mr. Jim Nabors,
and all of this...
all of this is coming to you, by the way,
from the Benny Vandergast
Memorial Theater.
We on The Muppet Show
owe everything to Benny,
including
three months back rent.
So in lieu of the rent,
here's the fantastic
Dr. Teeth with "Money."
Yeah!
(applause)
♪ Don't want no loving,
don't want no kissing
♪ Don't want no gal
to call me "honey"
♪ Don't want my name
in the Hall of Fame
♪ Just want
a big fat pile of money
♪ Give me that
almighty dollar
♪ For that lettuce,
hear me holler
♪ Give me
buckets full of ducats
♪ Let me walk around
and waller
♪ In Mazuma, el dinero
♪ Wanna be a millionaire-oh
♪ Give me money, money,
money, money, money
♪ I want that
green ammunition
♪ That's the stuff
for which I'm wishing
♪ Fill my closets
with deposits
♪ I'm a demon in addition
♪ Give me shekels,
give me pesos,
♪ Let me see
their smiling face-ohs
♪ Money, money,
money, money, money
♪ I wanna get me a suit
that's made out of loot
♪ And whistle
"The Wearing of the Green"
♪ I've got that
monetary-itis
♪ Like to be
just like King Midas
♪ Want that golden touch
is what I mean
♪ Give me that
old double eagle
♪ Want that tender
that is legal
♪ And financially,
substantially
♪ Any sum I can inveigle
♪ Wanna live in regal splendor
with that loving legal tender
♪ Money, money,
money, money, money
(laughs)
♪ I'm a greenback collector,
I'm a paper-bill inspector
♪ I'm a savage
for that cabbage
♪ Man, to me,
it's golden nectar
♪ Pour that filthy lucre on me
♪ Spread those
loving germs upon me
♪ Money, money, money,
money, money
♪ And if they ever
plant trees of
♪ E pluribus unum
♪ I wanna be the guy
who they send out to prune 'em
♪ Oh, give me money, money,
whoo, money, money, money ♪
Oh, yeah! Waah!
Well, they don't write
the old songs anymore.
Yeah, they only write
new ones.
Yeah. Huh?
Oh, Dr. Teeth,
you are one hip dude.
Nice number, nice number.
Don't lose any of that money, though.
Oh, I won't, I won't.
Hi. Are you
Kermit the Frog?
Uh, yeah.
I'm Scooter.
Cute. Cute name.
I'm your new gofer.
Gopher? No, no.
We have frogs and pigs and chickens around here,
but we've never had
a gopher.
Matter of fact, you don't
even look like a gopher.
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, well,
you don't understand.
You see, I'm your new gofer.
Yeah, I'll go for coffee,
I'll go for sandwiches.
I'll go for anything
you need. I see.
Yeah, well, I work real cheap,
and I got plenty of ideas for your theater,
and I'll start tonight, OK?
Listen, kid, I'm sorry,
but you're too young,
you don't have any experience,
and I don't have any money for it in the budget.
Yeah, well, my uncle
owns this theater.
You start today,
get me a cup of coffee,
your salary is 20 a week.
Stand by for the next number.
Could you make it 25?
Are you kidding?
I can't afford it.
Gee, my uncle will be
really disappointed.
How about 30?
My wife's
not feeling well.
Oh, sorry to hear it.
What's the trouble?
She's got the shingles.
Muppet news flash.
Billy Lee Boomer, a gas station
attendant from Penny Box, Texas,
reported a flying saucer landed
at his station last night.
Said Mr. Boomer...
They didn't
want no gas.
They just wanted
to use the restroom.
Can't say as I blame 'em.
Said they'd traveled 83 million
miles without a stop.
Hey, Animal.
Are you on next? Yeah.
Well, as they say in show
business, break a leg.
What?
Said, break a leg.
Oh, thank you!
(roars)
Ow!
(groans) George, George.
Come here.
I'm busy.
Come here.
Have you met Scooter? Now, this
is Scooter. He's our new gofer,
so if you need anything
around here, you know...
Need anything?
Me, need anything from some young kid?
Huh. Listen, kid.
I've been with this theater
since the very beginning, you know?
Before that new guy
bought it and ruined it.
Huh. Now the roof leaks
and the seats are torn,
the furnace is on the fritz.
I tell ya, he is the worst.
Yeah, he's my uncle.
He is the best.
What's a theater
without problems? Right.
Your uncle's got a good
head on his shoulders. Oh?
Unlike some people
around here.
(♪ tea dance music)
10, 11, 12...
Yeah, go.
You know,
my marriage was wrecked
by something really stupid.
What was that?
My husband.
You know, my doctor says
I'm getting the Asian flu.
What did he say to do?
He says take
two fortune cookies,
and he'd call me
in the morning.
Do you believe
in the hereafter?
Oh, yes.
Ah, then you know
what I'm here after.
Oh, I just love this music.
(screeching) Are you
listening to me?
Your voice
is music to my ears.
You got something I've been
looking for all my life.
Well, it's halftime.
It is?
Yeah.
What's the score?
Muppets, six,
audience, nothing.
All right, now,
this is what you call
your dog
kind of music here,
as you'll see.
Sing it.
♪ Bowery corner
♪ Foggy night
♪ Passing crowd
♪ Electric light
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
♪ German chef
♪ Can of tin
♪ Sausages
are boiled within
Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf.
♪ Yeller dog
♪ Nearby prowls
♪ Smells a sausage
(growls)
♪ Softly growls
♪ Clumsy man
♪ Wooden leg
♪ Upsets the boiler
with his peg
(howls)
♪ Spills a sausage
♪ Scatters wurst
♪ Yeller dog
♪ He gets there first
♪ He grabs the sausage
♪ Splits the fog
♪ It's another case
♪ Of dog eat dog
♪ It's another case
♪ Of dog eat dog
(sustains note)
(howls)
Hey, you know, Jim,
it's a real pleasure
to have you with us
on the show.
Well, thank you, Kermit.
It's a real pleasure to be here.
I'm sort of
an old country boy,
and I feel right at home
with all these chickens and roosters and pigs.
Especially that Miss Piggy.
I just love her.
Piggy Lee.
You called, my love?
Hey, Miss Piggy.
Piggy, if you don't mind,
Jim and I are just trying to hold a quiet conversation.
Oh, go right ahead.
Don't mind me.
Kermit, one thing -
I never know
whether to call him Jim or Gomer.
Well, I guess it is
kinda confusing.
You see, I played Gomer Pyle
on television for...
Gomer Pyle?
I love Gomer Pyle. Oh, thank you.
Well, I played him for so long,
I guess I get confused myself.
But it goes along with
my astrological sign. You see, I'm a Gemini.
That means I got
twin personalities.
Oh, yeah. Hey, listen,
well, I'm a Taurus.
You're Taurus. That's
the sign of the bull, isn't it?
I'm a bullfrog.
That's just a little joke.
What sign were you
born under, Piggy?
Well, I, uh, wasn't
born under a sign.
I was born
over a sign.
At Becker's
Butcher Shop.
I moved as soon
as possible.
I don't blame you.
Mmm, mmm.
Hey, I was wondering,
Jim,
does being a Gemini
give you any kind of problems?
Well, it sure does, you know,
because I talk like this,
but then I sing like this...
(sings opera)
What happened to Kermit?
He doesn't appreciate
classical music, James.
But it drives me
bananas.
Oh, sing again, please...
Wait a minute, Miss Piggy.
Oh, Jim! Oh,
I love when you sing.
Control yourself,
Miss Piggy. Kermit!
Kermit? Kermit?
Could you... Yeah, Fozzie.
H-H-Hold it.
Wh-Wh-What?
Listen. "Wh-Wh-What?"
Listen. Listen.
There is
a young kid
following me
all around the theater.
Yeah, I know.
His name is Scooter.
Cute. Cute name.
Yeah.
The trouble is, you see,
he's following me all around
and giving me
these jokes for my act,
and they are awful.
Fozzie,
how would you know?
How would I know?
Smarty frog.
OK, OK, listen.
Here's one of these jokes he gave me.
It's terrible.
OK, a joke.
Hilda, Gonzo, this is
one of these jokes.
I stay at a hotel
so exclusive,
room service
has an unlisted number.
(all laugh)
That's funny!
Scooter! Scooter!
And here they are,
the world's finest
and most morally unobjectionable
singing team -
Wayne and Wanda.
And now,
"Indian Love Call."
♪ When I'm calling
yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ou
Hey, baby.
You called?
Oh!
(sobs)
OK, uh...
uh, here we are,
moving right along now,
the comedy star of our show -
the man who comes to us direct
from a very long engagement,
but a very short marriage,
the man who
thinks that Elton John is a singing bathroom,
I'd like to bring out
one of the top comics of the business...
Hey, since he's not here,
bring out the regular guy.
OK, here he is now,
our very own barrel of boffs,
Mr. Fozzie Bear!
(applause)
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Time for fun
with Fozzie Bear.
Here's some jokes
from everywhere.
Hey, hey, hey,
it's that silly bear.
It's time for the audience
to go elsewhere.
(clears throat)
If you don't mind,
I'll do the jokes.
We don't mind.
But when are you gonna do 'em?
Pay no attention
to them, folks.
They don't bother me.
I can handle hecklers in my sleep.
Oh, well, don't tell that
to the audience.
They're asleep, too.
Uh, uh... Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Oh. Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Uh... listen.
I'm going to
tell you my best joke, and if you don't laugh,
then I'll never come back out
on this stage again, OK?
It's a deal.
Yeah.
Oh.
Ah. Ah, uh, uh...
These two cannibals
were talking.
One cannibal says
to the other cannibal,
"Who was that lady
I saw you out with last night?"
The other cannibal says,
"That was no lady,
that was my lunch."
I got you, I got you.
And I lied.
That was my worst joke.
Oh, I love me when I'm good.
Pacing, timing...
Why did we laugh
at that terrible joke?
Well, either
we're getting soft,
or we're in
the first stages of senility.
(strong Southern accent)
Go-o-olly.
Here it is, my first night
at Benson's Bakery as watchman,
and I gotta be real careful,
not let anybody in here.
Uh-oh. Here comes
somebody now. (sings)
Wait! Stop right there.
Stop right there.
Put up your hands.
Put up your hands. I beg pardon?
Your hands. Put 'em up.
Oh. Oh, OK.
What's that?
Those are my hens.
Where shall I put 'em?
Well, right here
on the table, I guess.
OK.
Now wait a minute,
wait a minute.
What "rat" have you got
to be here?
What rat do I have?
Well, I got this rat
right here.
Oh, well, I guess you do
have a "rat" to be here.
Mmm. Thank you.
Now wait a minute.
Don't move a hair.
OK.
What's that?
That's the hare I'm not supposed to move.
Now wait a minute. I don't want
any beef out of you.
No beef. OK.
Here's some pork.
Now, now, now
wait just a minute.
What are all you animals
doing here?
This is supposed
to be a bakery.
You see, the farmer's
been losing money.
We came here
to raise some dough!
Well, well, well,
I'm sure glad we got that straightened out.
For a minute there,
I thought you were just being silly.
"Let me tell you about
my nearsighted cousin...
Hi, Fozzie.
Let me tell you..."
Oh. Oh.
Hi. Hi, Scooter.
Hey, Foz, you know,
I think you're
the greatest comedian there ever was.
Me?
You think that
I'm the... Oh, wow.
Really, I mean it.
Cross my heart. Yeah?
You're the best. Nobody,
nobody tells a joke as good as you.
Every line, every joke,
everything you say,
it makes me
fall down laughing.
You're a million laughs.
OK. Hey, hey...
in that case, "Let me tell you
about my nearsighted cousin.
"He's so rich
his automobile's fitted with
a prescription windshield."
OK, tell me about him.
Lucky his uncle
owns this place.
That was a joke!
And now, once again, folks,
Mr. Jim Nabors.
♪ Well, life on the farm
is kinda laid back
♪ Ain't much an old country boy
like me can't hack
♪ It's early to rise
and early in the sack
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Simple kind of life
never done me no harm
♪ I'm raising me a family
and working on a farm
♪ My days are all filled
with an easy country charm
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle
♪ The sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle
♪ Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Work's all done,
and the sun's setting low
♪ I pull out my fiddle,
and I rosin up my bow
♪ The kids are asleep,
so I keep it kinda low
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ I'd play "Sally Goodin"
all day if I could
♪ But the Lord and the wife
wouldn't take it very good
♪ I fiddle when I can,
and I work when I should
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle
♪ The sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle
♪ Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
Yaa-ha!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!
♪ I wouldn't trade my life
for diamonds or jewels
♪ I never was one of them
money-hungry fools
♪ I'd rather have my fiddle
and my farming tools
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ City folks driving
in a black limousine
♪ A lot of sad people
think that's mighty keen
♪ Folks, let me tell you
exactly what I mean
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle
♪ When the sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle
♪ Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
(cluck rhythm)
♪ Fiddle was my daddy's
till the day that he died
♪ He took me by the hand
and held me close to his side
♪ Said, "Live a good life,
play the fiddle with pride"
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Daddy taught me young
how to hunt and how to whittle
♪ He taught me how to work
and play a tune on the fiddle
♪ Taught me how to love
and give just a little
♪ Thank God I'm a country boy
♪ Well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle
♪ As the sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle
♪ Life ain't nothing
but a funny, funny riddle
♪ Thank God
I'm a country boy ♪
(cheering and applause)
Well, that just about wraps it
up for another one.
We want to give
our special thanks
to our very special guest star -
Mr. Jim Nabors.
Yeah, let's hear it
for Jim. (applause)
Hey, Jim, I hope
you had a good time.
I sure did, Kermit.
But tell me, who was
that little old fella
that kept following me
throughout the show?
Oh, that's Scooter.
His uncle owns the theater.
You called?
No, I didn't.
Oh, that's OK, Kermit.
He was real nice.
He picked up my coffee, and
he picked up my wardrobe...
Yeah, I even picked up
his accent.
Well, go-o-olly!
Be careful he doesn't try
to pick up your paycheck.
I'm shocked!
I'm Fozzie.
I'm Piggy.
I'm Animal.
Well, I'm saying good night.
We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.
Go-o-olly.
(all) Go-o-olly.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
Pay up. They made it
through another one.
Double or nothing,
next week's show?
You're on.
(bum note)