The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 5 - Rita Moreno - full transcript
On stage, guest star Rita Moreno battles several Muppets including Animal who backs on drums in her closing number "Fever". Backstage, Fozzie answers a string of rather unusual (and very funny) phone calls.
It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest
star, Miss Rita Moreno.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
My cousin's so dumb, he
spent two weeks in London
trying to find the
European Common Market.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Miss Rita Moreno.
Aah! Aah!
♪ But now let's
get things started
♪ On the most
sensational, inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(gong sounds)
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.
And what a show we got.
We have music, comedy,
225 dancing elephants
who unfortunately left
their costumes at home
because they forgot
to pack their trunks.
I gave him that joke. I
wish I gave it right back.
But right now let's get things
moving with our special guest star,
the beautiful, lovely,
terrific and talented
lovely Miss Rita Moreno!
(♪ jazz)
Uhh!
Aah!
(groans)
(glass shatters)
Aah!
OK, great number.
Hey, would somebody help
that guy up the stairs, please?
She always does. She
was, but was I good?
Good? Piggy, honey,
you're a ripsnorter.
(phone rings) Hey,
Fozzie, can you get that?
I'll get it, Kermit.
Hello. The Muppet
Show backstage.
Who was it?
The Water Department.
What the hey?
(narrator) And now
"Veterinarian's Hospital,"
the continuing story of a
former orthopedic surgeon
who's gone to the dogs.
I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob.
I was operating
in the other room.
I know. It's the
talk of the hospital.
Booga booga! Cut that out.
Let me have the ear thing.
Ear thing, Dr. Bob.
Ooh, feels good. Stick.
Stick, Dr. Bob. Fetch.
What's that all about?
That's my laboratory retriever.
Good girl. Thank you.
What do you think, Dr. Bob?
I think this man is sick.
He oughta see a doctor.
But, Dr. Bob, you are a doctor.
That's your opinion. I'm
gettin' outta here. No, you're not.
You can't leave, Fozzie.
Dr. Bob is the only one
who can save you now.
She's right. I saved over
500 last year. What, patients?
No. Dollars.
Of course, I also lost over
100 pounds. What, in weight?
No, in England.
Dr. Bob, you should
be ashamed of yourself.
You call yourself
a doctor, Dr. Bob?
I'd never call myself a doctor.
They don't come when
you call them anyway.
Tune in next week
when we'll hear
Nurse Piggy say...
Dr. Bob, you've
lost all your patients.
I can't help it. I got a
short temper, about this tall.
Can I go now?
OK, a little shaky.
A little shaky, guys.
Well, your timing was awful.
What do you know about time?
I know your face
would stop a clock!
Stuff it, pork
chop! (phone rings)
Hey, Fozzie. Can
you get that, please?
Yeah, Kermit. I'll...
Phew. I'll get it. Phew.
Ahem. Ahem.
Hello. Backstage at
The Muppet Show.
(coughing)
Fozzie, who was it?
The Fire Department.
I think this is what
they call a running gag.
(running footsteps)
No, that's what they
call a running gag.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline - Fresno.
Mr. Thomas Galli, or Galley,
spent the last 27 months
teaching his pet chicken
to dance classical ballet.
Last Saturday, the chicken
passed her auditions
and became a member of
the Royal Copenhagen Ballet.
Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley
didn't wish to move to Denmark,
so she fricasseed
the ballerina for lunch.
Speaking of lunch,
I wonder what the Swedish
chef has up his sleeve.
A summons from the
board of health, I wager.
(laughs)
(singing in mock Swedish)
Der spoons.
(speaks in mock Swedish)
Der flappen jacken hooken.
(speaking mock Swedish)
Just flip. Der.
Der flip-floppa
der jacken flappen.
(speaking mock Swedish)
Flip.
Der sticken on der roofen.
(speaking mock Swedish)
Der flipjack on der her hoop.
(speaking mock Swedish)
I get der blunderbuss.
(speaks mock Swedish)
(rings)
I got it.
Ha-ha.
Ahem. The Muppet Show backstage.
Fozzie, who was that?
Las Vegas.
(♪ tea dance music)
They're a nice-looking couple.
Yeah, but a couple of what?
I hear you come
from a broken home.
Yeah, I broke it myself.
2, 3, dip. Aah!
Dip. Aah!
Dip. Aah!
Aah!
Does one ever encounter
sharks in these parts?
Oh, no, absolutely not.
Never. Why do you ask?
Just curious.
I hear that the president said
that you shouldn't panic
if you don't have a job.
That's easy for him
to say. He's got a job.
I don't think we should come
to this ballroom anymore.
Why?
It seems to be attracting
a lower class of animal.
Oh, well.
Aah!
I have a gnawing feeling
you're right. Let's tango.
(♪ "To Morrow")
♪ I started on a journey
just about a year ago
♪ To a little town called
Morrow in the state of Ohio
♪ I've never been much of a
traveler, and I really didn't know
♪ That Morrow was the
hardest place I'd ever try to go
♪ So I went down to the
station for my ticket and applied
♪ For tips regarding Morrow,
not expecting to be guyed
♪ Said I, "My friend, I'd like
to go to Morrow and return
♪ No later than tomorrow
for I haven't time to burn"
♪ Said he to me ♪ "Now let
me see if I have heard you right
♪ "You'd like to go to Morrow
and return tomorrow night
♪ "You should have gone to
Morrow yesterday and back today
♪ "For the train that goes to
Morrow is a mile upon its way
♪ "If you had gone to Morrow
yesterday, now don't you see
♪ "You could have gone to
Morrow and returned today at three
♪ "For the train today to
Morrow, if the schedule is right
♪ Today it gets to Morrow
and returns tomorrow night"
♪ Said I, "I'd like to go to
Morrow, so can I go today
♪ And get to Morrow by
tonight if there is no delay?"
♪ "Well, well," I said to him,
"and I've got no more to say
♪ Can you get anywhere
tomorrow and get back again today?"
♪ Said I, "I guess you know
it all, but kindly let me say
♪ How can I get to Morrow if I
leave this town today?" Said he
♪ "You cannot go to
Morrow anymore today
♪ For the train that goes to
Morrow is a mile upon its way"
♪ I was so disappointed, I
was mad enough to swear
♪ The train had gone to Morrow
and had left me standing there
♪ The man was
right in telling me
♪ "You are a howling jay,
you cannot go to Morrow"
♪ Well, I guess
in town I'll stay ♪
I don't get it.
Right now, friends, I
am proud to present
a group of performers
that I personally discovered
in the waiting room of a
bus station in Toledo, Ohio.
They weren't performing
there, they were just waiting.
Anyhow, let's bring
'em on with a big hand -
Marvin Suggs and
his Muppaphones.
Olé, olé, olé,
olé, olé, olé, olé!
Thank you, thank you
and gracias. Thank you.
I am the beloved Marvin Suggs.
And now presenting the performing
members of the Muppaphones.
Move it, move it... Another
day, another headache.
(shouts) (Muppaphones grumbling)
Attention! (grumbling stops)
Ahem. Tuning up.
(scale) ♪ Ow
♪ Ow
♪ Ow
♪ Ow
(seventh) ♪ Ow
Oh, no. Move it, Marvin.
Move it, move it, Marvin...
(Muppaphones grumbling)
Attention! (grumbling stops)
Ahem. Tuning up.
(scale) ♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
(octave) ♪ Ow
Move it, Lucy. Move it...
(Muppaphones grumbling)
Attention! (grumbling stops)
Ahem. Tuning up.
(scale) ♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow ♪
Yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes.
Marvin, you've done it!
(talking softly)
Bernard. Hmm?
Ow!
And now, "Lady of Spain." Where?
The song. Oh.
(♪ "Lady of Spain,"
by Tolchard Evans)
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Oooow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Oooow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Oooow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow!
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow!
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ohh ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ooh! ♪
(gong sounds)
♪ Ahh ♪
(cheering)
(all talking)
Can we have a little quiet here?
Can we have a
little quiet? Quiet!
Quiet, please!
Aah!
OK, time again to raise the
intellectual level of our program
as our panel discusses
questions of lasting importance.
Our special guest tonight
is Miss Tiffany González.
Allo, allo, allo.
Aloha, Tiffany.
And our question of
lasting importance -
"Is conversation a dying art?"
What do you think, Tiffany?
(Latin accent)
Well, yes, Kermit,
people don't know how to talk.
They speak gibberish.
They don't say nothing...
You talk to people,
they don't listen.
They look at you very
peculiar. It's fabulous.
I'm talking to this crazy
guy about war and peace,
then he tells me something
about the price of coconuts.
Am I crazy or is he crazy?
What did she say? I don't
know. I wasn't listening.
I was listening, and I still
don't know what she said.
What's the matter with you?
You don't understand English?
(mocking accent) No, I
don't understand English.
Don't make fun of the
lady's accent. What did I say?
Listen, butch, I speak as
good English as the next guy.
Yeah, if the next
guy is Desi Arnaz.
Piggy, please...
Excuse me. I want
to talk. Listen, you.
How would you like a high heel
in your ham hocks?
Well, I never. What about
conversation as a dying art?
If conversation is a
dying art, you killed it.
Piggy, please, why don't you
let Tiffany and The Guru talk?
Tiffany and The Guru.
Didn't that star Annette
Funicello and Frankie Avalon?
I saw that movie. Listen,
your time is almost up.
Listen to me. In my country
we have a seldom-used saying...
"When the swine
lubricates the automobile,
you end up with a greased pig."
That don't make sense.
I know. That's why
it's seldom used.
In my country we
have a saying, too...
Cuando uno trabaja con
una cochinita majadera
lo que hay que hacer es darle la
amenaza de posibilidad de asesinato.
What is that supposed to mean?
That means one
more crack from you
and you're one dead enchilada!
And who let this wacko
taco on the panel?
Listen, how would you like to take
a flying leap into a sausage factory?
Don't touch me! OK,
I'm sick and tired of you!
Come over here! Come
over here! She's a coward.
Well, the question is, "Is
conversation a dying art?"
And I don't think it is,
but it is severely injured.
Tune in next week
when our topic will be
improving US-Latin
American relations, OK?
Yes, that Miss Moreno
is easy on the eyes
but hard on the ears.
Yes. In fact, I just got a
concussion from that discussion.
(laughs)
(rings)
The Muppet Show, backsta...
OK, who was it this time?
The Atomic Energy Commission.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
There is no news tonight.
Hey, listen, Rita. Yes?
At this time in the show...
Kermit, before
you go on... What?
I just have to tell you that I
have always been a Muppet nut,
that I love all of you so much.
(baby talk)
Ooh-aah!
A frog is very
ticklish. Hey, but listen.
This is the part of the show
where we have what we
call our "talk spot," you see,
where the guest sits here
and talks casually and
spontaneously with the frog.
I know, I know, but, Kermit, haven't
you ever noticed on these variety shows,
when they have a talk spot, that
the actors always come off so phony?
I mean, you know
that they're rehearsed.
You know that they
are reading cue cards.
Yeah, but, Rita, on our
show, on our... Wait a minute...
"But Rita, but
Rita, on our show,
"we do not use
any cue cards, Rita,
on our show, we do not..."
Kermit!
I was just kidding
there. Oh, sorry.
Kermit, can't we just
please do it Muppet-style?
Let's ad-lib it.
Oh, you mean ad-lib, just
sort of... yeah, just make it up?
I don't mind. Sure, yeah,
just chatting, like that. Sure.
I don't mind doing that, but there
are others who might take offense.
Like who? Like the guy
who holds the cue cards.
Nice lady no want
Sweetums to hold cue cards?
Well, I, uh...
No.
Nice lady let Sweetums
hold something else?
Oh, sure, you can
hold anything you want.
Uh-huh. That best offer
me have all week. Aah!
Hey! Hey! Put me down.
Happens so often on our show.
Our guest stars
just get carried away.
As all of us right-thinking
people know,
Wayne and Wanda are
the only truly uplifting act
on this whole
questionable program.
So, with a sense
of... awesome pride,
I present the singing
team of Wayne and Wanda
with "Goody Goody."
Oh, goody, goody.
(♪ "Goody Goody"
by Mercer and Malneck)
♪ So you met someone
who set you back on your heels
♪ Goody goody ♪
OK, moving right
along, friends. Stall, stall.
Yeah, OK.
Once again, by popular
demand, Mr. Fozzie Bear.
Thank you. Yeah, love you all.
Yeah, it's me again,
the old Fozzie Bear.
Hickory dickory dock, a
laugh a minute by the clock.
Oh, yeah, well, you better check
your clock. It looks like it stopped.
I go with a lovely girl.
She's so bowlegged, when
she stands around the house,
she stands around the house.
Hey! Hey! You remind
me of Charlton Heston.
Charlton Heston
doesn't tell jokes.
Well...
Well, I'm good enough
to play the Palace.
You're not good enough
to clean the Palace.
Didn't you like my last joke?
Yes, if you promise
it's your last joke.
You-You guys wouldn't
know a good joke
if you fell over one.
Well, we're not in any
danger with your act.
(laughing)
OK, onstage for
Rita's closing number.
That's Rita, Floyd
and Animal, please.
Onstage, onstage.
OK. Everybody ready for
that closing... (phone rings)
I'll get it. I'll get it. Don't! Don't
answer that phone, Fozzie!
I got it. I got it. No, Fozzie.
Do not answer that telephone.
Oh, but, Kermit, all these terrific
funny things happen when I do answer it.
I'm aware of that. I'm
aware of that, Fozzie.
Is there no end to
this running gag?
Well, I guess that puts
an end to this running gag.
Yeah, and also to
all the incoming calls.
(♪ "Fever by J
Davenport and E Cooley)
♪ Never know how much I love you
♪ Never know how much I care
♪ When you put
your arms around me
♪ I get a fever
that's so hard to bear
♪ You give me fever
♪ When you kiss me
♪ Fever when you hold me tight
♪ Fever
♪ In the mornin'
♪ Fever all through the night
Oye, buddy.
Quiero decirte que
no se debe hacer eso.
It's not nice. ¿Entiendes?
Mírame a mí cuando te hable.
Éste es mi número y,
si tú me fastidias más,
te voy a dar una gaznata
que te vas a ver bobo.
So cool it.
(mockingly) So cool it.
(mutters)
♪ Sun lights up the mornin'
♪ Moon lights up the night
♪ I light up when
you call my name
♪ 'Cause you know
I'm gonna treat you right
♪ You give me fever
♪ When you kiss me
♪ Hold me tight
♪ Fever
♪ When you kiss me
♪ Fever when you hold me tight
♪ Fever all through the night
♪ Fever
♪ All through the night ♪
Now, that's my kind of woman.
Well, once again, folks, we've
come to the end of the show,
and I cannot but pause to
thank our lovely guest star
Miss Rita Moreno.
♪ Ta-ta-ta ta ta-ta-ta ta ♪
Olé.
Rita, I wish you wouldn't
throw things on the floor.
We try to be neat around here.
Oh, that's OK,
Kermit. He loves it.
I had lunch with him today.
It's OK. OK, if you say so.
Hey, thank you, Rita.
And thank you all.
Join us next time on
The Muppet Show!
Aah! Bye.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
Fozzie, go backstage.
I still couldn't find
the chewing gum.
(bum note)
with our special guest
star, Miss Rita Moreno.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
My cousin's so dumb, he
spent two weeks in London
trying to find the
European Common Market.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Miss Rita Moreno.
Aah! Aah!
♪ But now let's
get things started
♪ On the most
sensational, inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(gong sounds)
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.
And what a show we got.
We have music, comedy,
225 dancing elephants
who unfortunately left
their costumes at home
because they forgot
to pack their trunks.
I gave him that joke. I
wish I gave it right back.
But right now let's get things
moving with our special guest star,
the beautiful, lovely,
terrific and talented
lovely Miss Rita Moreno!
(♪ jazz)
Uhh!
Aah!
(groans)
(glass shatters)
Aah!
OK, great number.
Hey, would somebody help
that guy up the stairs, please?
She always does. She
was, but was I good?
Good? Piggy, honey,
you're a ripsnorter.
(phone rings) Hey,
Fozzie, can you get that?
I'll get it, Kermit.
Hello. The Muppet
Show backstage.
Who was it?
The Water Department.
What the hey?
(narrator) And now
"Veterinarian's Hospital,"
the continuing story of a
former orthopedic surgeon
who's gone to the dogs.
I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Bob.
I was operating
in the other room.
I know. It's the
talk of the hospital.
Booga booga! Cut that out.
Let me have the ear thing.
Ear thing, Dr. Bob.
Ooh, feels good. Stick.
Stick, Dr. Bob. Fetch.
What's that all about?
That's my laboratory retriever.
Good girl. Thank you.
What do you think, Dr. Bob?
I think this man is sick.
He oughta see a doctor.
But, Dr. Bob, you are a doctor.
That's your opinion. I'm
gettin' outta here. No, you're not.
You can't leave, Fozzie.
Dr. Bob is the only one
who can save you now.
She's right. I saved over
500 last year. What, patients?
No. Dollars.
Of course, I also lost over
100 pounds. What, in weight?
No, in England.
Dr. Bob, you should
be ashamed of yourself.
You call yourself
a doctor, Dr. Bob?
I'd never call myself a doctor.
They don't come when
you call them anyway.
Tune in next week
when we'll hear
Nurse Piggy say...
Dr. Bob, you've
lost all your patients.
I can't help it. I got a
short temper, about this tall.
Can I go now?
OK, a little shaky.
A little shaky, guys.
Well, your timing was awful.
What do you know about time?
I know your face
would stop a clock!
Stuff it, pork
chop! (phone rings)
Hey, Fozzie. Can
you get that, please?
Yeah, Kermit. I'll...
Phew. I'll get it. Phew.
Ahem. Ahem.
Hello. Backstage at
The Muppet Show.
(coughing)
Fozzie, who was it?
The Fire Department.
I think this is what
they call a running gag.
(running footsteps)
No, that's what they
call a running gag.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline - Fresno.
Mr. Thomas Galli, or Galley,
spent the last 27 months
teaching his pet chicken
to dance classical ballet.
Last Saturday, the chicken
passed her auditions
and became a member of
the Royal Copenhagen Ballet.
Unfortunately, Mrs. Galley
didn't wish to move to Denmark,
so she fricasseed
the ballerina for lunch.
Speaking of lunch,
I wonder what the Swedish
chef has up his sleeve.
A summons from the
board of health, I wager.
(laughs)
(singing in mock Swedish)
Der spoons.
(speaks in mock Swedish)
Der flappen jacken hooken.
(speaking mock Swedish)
Just flip. Der.
Der flip-floppa
der jacken flappen.
(speaking mock Swedish)
Flip.
Der sticken on der roofen.
(speaking mock Swedish)
Der flipjack on der her hoop.
(speaking mock Swedish)
I get der blunderbuss.
(speaks mock Swedish)
(rings)
I got it.
Ha-ha.
Ahem. The Muppet Show backstage.
Fozzie, who was that?
Las Vegas.
(♪ tea dance music)
They're a nice-looking couple.
Yeah, but a couple of what?
I hear you come
from a broken home.
Yeah, I broke it myself.
2, 3, dip. Aah!
Dip. Aah!
Dip. Aah!
Aah!
Does one ever encounter
sharks in these parts?
Oh, no, absolutely not.
Never. Why do you ask?
Just curious.
I hear that the president said
that you shouldn't panic
if you don't have a job.
That's easy for him
to say. He's got a job.
I don't think we should come
to this ballroom anymore.
Why?
It seems to be attracting
a lower class of animal.
Oh, well.
Aah!
I have a gnawing feeling
you're right. Let's tango.
(♪ "To Morrow")
♪ I started on a journey
just about a year ago
♪ To a little town called
Morrow in the state of Ohio
♪ I've never been much of a
traveler, and I really didn't know
♪ That Morrow was the
hardest place I'd ever try to go
♪ So I went down to the
station for my ticket and applied
♪ For tips regarding Morrow,
not expecting to be guyed
♪ Said I, "My friend, I'd like
to go to Morrow and return
♪ No later than tomorrow
for I haven't time to burn"
♪ Said he to me ♪ "Now let
me see if I have heard you right
♪ "You'd like to go to Morrow
and return tomorrow night
♪ "You should have gone to
Morrow yesterday and back today
♪ "For the train that goes to
Morrow is a mile upon its way
♪ "If you had gone to Morrow
yesterday, now don't you see
♪ "You could have gone to
Morrow and returned today at three
♪ "For the train today to
Morrow, if the schedule is right
♪ Today it gets to Morrow
and returns tomorrow night"
♪ Said I, "I'd like to go to
Morrow, so can I go today
♪ And get to Morrow by
tonight if there is no delay?"
♪ "Well, well," I said to him,
"and I've got no more to say
♪ Can you get anywhere
tomorrow and get back again today?"
♪ Said I, "I guess you know
it all, but kindly let me say
♪ How can I get to Morrow if I
leave this town today?" Said he
♪ "You cannot go to
Morrow anymore today
♪ For the train that goes to
Morrow is a mile upon its way"
♪ I was so disappointed, I
was mad enough to swear
♪ The train had gone to Morrow
and had left me standing there
♪ The man was
right in telling me
♪ "You are a howling jay,
you cannot go to Morrow"
♪ Well, I guess
in town I'll stay ♪
I don't get it.
Right now, friends, I
am proud to present
a group of performers
that I personally discovered
in the waiting room of a
bus station in Toledo, Ohio.
They weren't performing
there, they were just waiting.
Anyhow, let's bring
'em on with a big hand -
Marvin Suggs and
his Muppaphones.
Olé, olé, olé,
olé, olé, olé, olé!
Thank you, thank you
and gracias. Thank you.
I am the beloved Marvin Suggs.
And now presenting the performing
members of the Muppaphones.
Move it, move it... Another
day, another headache.
(shouts) (Muppaphones grumbling)
Attention! (grumbling stops)
Ahem. Tuning up.
(scale) ♪ Ow
♪ Ow
♪ Ow
♪ Ow
(seventh) ♪ Ow
Oh, no. Move it, Marvin.
Move it, move it, Marvin...
(Muppaphones grumbling)
Attention! (grumbling stops)
Ahem. Tuning up.
(scale) ♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
(octave) ♪ Ow
Move it, Lucy. Move it...
(Muppaphones grumbling)
Attention! (grumbling stops)
Ahem. Tuning up.
(scale) ♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow ♪
Yes, yes. Oh, yes, yes.
Marvin, you've done it!
(talking softly)
Bernard. Hmm?
Ow!
And now, "Lady of Spain." Where?
The song. Oh.
(♪ "Lady of Spain,"
by Tolchard Evans)
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Oooow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Oooow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Oooow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow!
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ow!
♪ Ow ♪ Ow
♪ Ohh ♪ Ow
♪ Ow ♪ Ooh! ♪
(gong sounds)
♪ Ahh ♪
(cheering)
(all talking)
Can we have a little quiet here?
Can we have a
little quiet? Quiet!
Quiet, please!
Aah!
OK, time again to raise the
intellectual level of our program
as our panel discusses
questions of lasting importance.
Our special guest tonight
is Miss Tiffany González.
Allo, allo, allo.
Aloha, Tiffany.
And our question of
lasting importance -
"Is conversation a dying art?"
What do you think, Tiffany?
(Latin accent)
Well, yes, Kermit,
people don't know how to talk.
They speak gibberish.
They don't say nothing...
You talk to people,
they don't listen.
They look at you very
peculiar. It's fabulous.
I'm talking to this crazy
guy about war and peace,
then he tells me something
about the price of coconuts.
Am I crazy or is he crazy?
What did she say? I don't
know. I wasn't listening.
I was listening, and I still
don't know what she said.
What's the matter with you?
You don't understand English?
(mocking accent) No, I
don't understand English.
Don't make fun of the
lady's accent. What did I say?
Listen, butch, I speak as
good English as the next guy.
Yeah, if the next
guy is Desi Arnaz.
Piggy, please...
Excuse me. I want
to talk. Listen, you.
How would you like a high heel
in your ham hocks?
Well, I never. What about
conversation as a dying art?
If conversation is a
dying art, you killed it.
Piggy, please, why don't you
let Tiffany and The Guru talk?
Tiffany and The Guru.
Didn't that star Annette
Funicello and Frankie Avalon?
I saw that movie. Listen,
your time is almost up.
Listen to me. In my country
we have a seldom-used saying...
"When the swine
lubricates the automobile,
you end up with a greased pig."
That don't make sense.
I know. That's why
it's seldom used.
In my country we
have a saying, too...
Cuando uno trabaja con
una cochinita majadera
lo que hay que hacer es darle la
amenaza de posibilidad de asesinato.
What is that supposed to mean?
That means one
more crack from you
and you're one dead enchilada!
And who let this wacko
taco on the panel?
Listen, how would you like to take
a flying leap into a sausage factory?
Don't touch me! OK,
I'm sick and tired of you!
Come over here! Come
over here! She's a coward.
Well, the question is, "Is
conversation a dying art?"
And I don't think it is,
but it is severely injured.
Tune in next week
when our topic will be
improving US-Latin
American relations, OK?
Yes, that Miss Moreno
is easy on the eyes
but hard on the ears.
Yes. In fact, I just got a
concussion from that discussion.
(laughs)
(rings)
The Muppet Show, backsta...
OK, who was it this time?
The Atomic Energy Commission.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
There is no news tonight.
Hey, listen, Rita. Yes?
At this time in the show...
Kermit, before
you go on... What?
I just have to tell you that I
have always been a Muppet nut,
that I love all of you so much.
(baby talk)
Ooh-aah!
A frog is very
ticklish. Hey, but listen.
This is the part of the show
where we have what we
call our "talk spot," you see,
where the guest sits here
and talks casually and
spontaneously with the frog.
I know, I know, but, Kermit, haven't
you ever noticed on these variety shows,
when they have a talk spot, that
the actors always come off so phony?
I mean, you know
that they're rehearsed.
You know that they
are reading cue cards.
Yeah, but, Rita, on our
show, on our... Wait a minute...
"But Rita, but
Rita, on our show,
"we do not use
any cue cards, Rita,
on our show, we do not..."
Kermit!
I was just kidding
there. Oh, sorry.
Kermit, can't we just
please do it Muppet-style?
Let's ad-lib it.
Oh, you mean ad-lib, just
sort of... yeah, just make it up?
I don't mind. Sure, yeah,
just chatting, like that. Sure.
I don't mind doing that, but there
are others who might take offense.
Like who? Like the guy
who holds the cue cards.
Nice lady no want
Sweetums to hold cue cards?
Well, I, uh...
No.
Nice lady let Sweetums
hold something else?
Oh, sure, you can
hold anything you want.
Uh-huh. That best offer
me have all week. Aah!
Hey! Hey! Put me down.
Happens so often on our show.
Our guest stars
just get carried away.
As all of us right-thinking
people know,
Wayne and Wanda are
the only truly uplifting act
on this whole
questionable program.
So, with a sense
of... awesome pride,
I present the singing
team of Wayne and Wanda
with "Goody Goody."
Oh, goody, goody.
(♪ "Goody Goody"
by Mercer and Malneck)
♪ So you met someone
who set you back on your heels
♪ Goody goody ♪
OK, moving right
along, friends. Stall, stall.
Yeah, OK.
Once again, by popular
demand, Mr. Fozzie Bear.
Thank you. Yeah, love you all.
Yeah, it's me again,
the old Fozzie Bear.
Hickory dickory dock, a
laugh a minute by the clock.
Oh, yeah, well, you better check
your clock. It looks like it stopped.
I go with a lovely girl.
She's so bowlegged, when
she stands around the house,
she stands around the house.
Hey! Hey! You remind
me of Charlton Heston.
Charlton Heston
doesn't tell jokes.
Well...
Well, I'm good enough
to play the Palace.
You're not good enough
to clean the Palace.
Didn't you like my last joke?
Yes, if you promise
it's your last joke.
You-You guys wouldn't
know a good joke
if you fell over one.
Well, we're not in any
danger with your act.
(laughing)
OK, onstage for
Rita's closing number.
That's Rita, Floyd
and Animal, please.
Onstage, onstage.
OK. Everybody ready for
that closing... (phone rings)
I'll get it. I'll get it. Don't! Don't
answer that phone, Fozzie!
I got it. I got it. No, Fozzie.
Do not answer that telephone.
Oh, but, Kermit, all these terrific
funny things happen when I do answer it.
I'm aware of that. I'm
aware of that, Fozzie.
Is there no end to
this running gag?
Well, I guess that puts
an end to this running gag.
Yeah, and also to
all the incoming calls.
(♪ "Fever by J
Davenport and E Cooley)
♪ Never know how much I love you
♪ Never know how much I care
♪ When you put
your arms around me
♪ I get a fever
that's so hard to bear
♪ You give me fever
♪ When you kiss me
♪ Fever when you hold me tight
♪ Fever
♪ In the mornin'
♪ Fever all through the night
Oye, buddy.
Quiero decirte que
no se debe hacer eso.
It's not nice. ¿Entiendes?
Mírame a mí cuando te hable.
Éste es mi número y,
si tú me fastidias más,
te voy a dar una gaznata
que te vas a ver bobo.
So cool it.
(mockingly) So cool it.
(mutters)
♪ Sun lights up the mornin'
♪ Moon lights up the night
♪ I light up when
you call my name
♪ 'Cause you know
I'm gonna treat you right
♪ You give me fever
♪ When you kiss me
♪ Hold me tight
♪ Fever
♪ When you kiss me
♪ Fever when you hold me tight
♪ Fever all through the night
♪ Fever
♪ All through the night ♪
Now, that's my kind of woman.
Well, once again, folks, we've
come to the end of the show,
and I cannot but pause to
thank our lovely guest star
Miss Rita Moreno.
♪ Ta-ta-ta ta ta-ta-ta ta ♪
Olé.
Rita, I wish you wouldn't
throw things on the floor.
We try to be neat around here.
Oh, that's OK,
Kermit. He loves it.
I had lunch with him today.
It's OK. OK, if you say so.
Hey, thank you, Rita.
And thank you all.
Join us next time on
The Muppet Show!
Aah! Bye.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
Fozzie, go backstage.
I still couldn't find
the chewing gum.
(bum note)