The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 4 - Ruth Buzzi - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show with our
speciaI guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi,

# It's time to play the music

# It's time to light the lights

# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

# It's time to put on makeup

# It's time to dress up right

# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

I finally found a sure
way to lose weight,

I bought a scale that lies,

# To introduce our guest star

# That's what it's time to do



# So it really makes me happy

# To introduce to you

Miss Ruth Buzzi,

# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

# This is what we call

# The Muppet Show

Hi, gang, and welcome to the show, Hey,
I feeI good tonight for two reasons,

One, Scooter's uncle has
extended the lease on our theater

which gives us a roof over our head,

And two, our speciaI guest
star is Miss Ruth Buzzi,

which is enough to
make anyone feeI good,

But right now, let's get the show under
way with some musicaI mayhem, Hit it, boys,

# Sunny



# Yesterday my life
was filled with rain

Too slow!
- # Sunny

# You smiled at me and
really eased the pain

# Dark days are done
Bright days are here

# My sunny one shines so sincere

# Oh, sunny one so true

- # I love you
- Faster!

- # Sunny
- All right!

# Thank you for the sunshine bouquet

# Sunny

# Thank you for the
love you brought my way

# You gave to me your all in all

# Now I feeI I'm ten feet tall

# Oh, sunny one so true, I love you

Faster!

- # Sunny
- Sunny!

# Thank you for the
truth you let me see

What's goin' on?
Sunny... What's happening?

# Thank you for the facts from A to Z

# My life was torn like windblown sand

# And a rock was formed
when we held hands

- # Oh, sunny one so true, I love you
- Yeah!

What's happening? Sunny...
Wait-wait a minute,

# Thank you for the
smile upon your face

# Oh, Sunny

# You're my spark of nature's
fire You're my complete desire

- # Oh, sunny one so true, I love you
- Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Too fast, Too fast,
- Nice, nice, Nice job, Nice job,

Tell him to lighten up, man,
- Yeah, I will, OK,

Take it easy, AnimaI,

Hi, Kermit, Hey, Kermit,
- Scooter, Scooter,

Scooter, what is this?
- Oh, that's a crate,

I can see it's a crate, but
who's responsible for it?

Oh, I am,
- Scooter!

What makes you think you can
bring a crate into the backstage?

My uncle owns the theater,
- And a nice crate it is too,

May I ask you what is in it?

Sure, go ahead,
- What is in it?

Well, it's a mechanicaI
windup TV show host,

A mechanicaI windup TV show host?
- Right,

Scooter, that is the dumbest, the craziest,
most ridiculous idea you have ever... Agh!

Good grief,

Scooter, you're out
of your mind! - Mm-hm,

Be carefuI, frog, His
uncle owns the theater,

Wait a minute, Oh!

Ha-ha!

I wish they'd had
rock-'n'-roll in the '40s, - Why?

We'd be dead by now,

Don't you see? You've got to be strong,
You've got to stand on your own two feet,

But that's the problem,
- What?

I've got three feet,

Oh, my dear, You are so lovely,
Have I ever seen you in the movies?

Well, I don't think
so, I hardly ever go,

Don't you feeI stupid with three feet?

Sure, but the other one didn't
come back from the cleaners,

You know, I have a
bone to pick with you,

Too late, I just buried it,

Do you really have three feet?

Sure, One, two, three,

Agh!

Three feet and one broken back,

Well, I think I'll go stretch my legs,

I'll do it for you,

Agh! Agh! Agh!

Agh! Agh!

Well, time soon for the handsome frog here
to make another one of his introductions,

I will check myself and see
how I look in the mirror,

Scooter, where did you get this
ridiculous windup TV-show host?

I was a gift from his uncle,
- Welcome to the show,

With a few exceptions, the
characters on this program

are weird and peculiar,
and not to be trusted,

One of those exceptions,
aside from myself, of course,

is the wonderful singing
team of Wayne and Wanda,

They've really rehearsed this one,
so they're sure to get it right,

Here they are, Wayne and
Wanda, with "Row, Row, Row,"

# Young Johnnie Jones
he had a cute little boat

# And all the girlies
I would take for a float

# He had girlies on the shore

# Sweet little peaches by the score

# But Johnnie was a
wisenheimer you know

# A steady girI was Flo

# And every Sunday afternoon

# She'd jump in his
boat and they would spoon

# And then he'd row, row, row

A Muppet news flash,

The Atlantic Ocean has just been
kidnapped, Disappearance of the ocean

was first reported by lighthouse
keeper Morrie Patterson,

He was awakened late last night when 500
fish pounded on his door asking for water,

Authorities suspect that the
ocean is being held prisoner

in an apartment somewhere in Newark,

A ransom note has
reportedly been received,

The kidnappers are demanding
two Christmases each year

and a hug from Mommy every night,

Ladies and gentlemen, A lady you loved
on Laugh-In and hundreds of other shows,

A comedienne, an actress, a singer,
a dancer, and a lot of fun at parties,

Our guest star, Miss Ruth Buzzi,

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# You'd be like heaven to touch

# I want to hold you so much

# At last love has arrived

# Then I thank God I'm alive

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off you

# Pardon the way that I stare

# There's nothing else to compare

# The sight of you leaves me weak

# There are no words left to speak

# But if you feeI like I feeI

# Please let me know that it's reaI

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# I love you, baby

# And if it's quite all right

# I need you, baby

# To warm the lonely night

# I love you, baby

# Trust in me when I say

# Oh, pretty baby

# Don't bring me down, I pray

# Oh, pretty baby

# Now that I've found you, stay

# And let me love you, baby

# Let me love you

# Let me love you, baby

# Let me love you

# Let me love you

That's my kind of woman,

You may not know this, but I'm
really a very sentimentaI dog,

I cry easily,

Onions, for instance,
always make me cry,

# I'll admit I split bananas

# Take Easter eggs and make them dye

# But I never harmed an onion

# So why should they make me cry?

# Once I saw a salad dressing

# My face got radish
- my, oh, my

# But I never harmed an onion

# So why should they make me cry?

# Potatoes I've mashed
and berries I've crushed

# I've made an artichoke
and that's not all

# I've also whipped
cream and beaten an egg

# Yes, I've even made a melon ball

# Of all the things above I'm guilty

# If punished, I would know just why

# But I never harmed an onion

# So why should they make me cry?

# Oh, why should they make me cry?

Well, Ruth, I thought we'd just sit
here and chew the fat for a while,

Oh, Kermit, I never chew the fat,

Yeah, well...
- No, no, Fat is not good for you,

Fat is a no-no, In fact, every
time I see fat, I go blah!

Yeah, well, I...
- You are looking at a body, Kermit,

that has not one ounce of fat on it,

Well, yeah...
- This is lean, Lean,

El leano, Kermit, my froggy friend,

Yeah, yeah, I can
see all that, Yeah...

Kermit, I had a friend once who chewed
so much fat that she was as big as a house

and she decided to rent
herself out as a duplex,

You get it, Kermit? A duplex,
- Yeah, Yeah,

A little joke,

I seem to be losing controI here,

Ruth, Ruth, what I meant, when
I said all that back there,

what I meant was let's talk
a bit, Let's just talk a bit,

I love to talk, Kermit,
OK, what'll we talk about?

Well, we all know that you
hate fat, but what do you love?

Oh, well, I love to eat,

But you just said...
- I eat health foods,

organic foods, dairy products...

Dairy products, That's a no-no,
Dairy products killed my uncle,

Oh, that's awfuI,
- Yep, he was hit by a dairy truck,

That's terrible,
- His last words were:

"Take the cheese off my chest,"

Oh, that's awfuI, Kermit,

Yeah, well, don't blame
me, I didn't write that,

Oh, it's a joke,
- Yeah, it was just a joke,

That's up to the laugh track,

But speaking of laughs, Ruth,
you know, you really tickle me,

Well, that's how I make everyone laugh,
- How's that?

I tickle them,

WonderfuI,
- Marvelous,

That you should care for me,

Huh?
- Huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, now the
act you've been waiting for,

The man with the fur and the
funnies, our own Fozzie Bear,

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Love you all, Yeah, Oh, it's
gonna be a great night tonight,

Yeah, Somewhere, but not here,

You folks are in for a reaI treat,

You mean you're finished?

Hey, come on, Come on, you guys,

Hey, a lot of these
folks wanna see me,

Well, so do we,
- You wanna see me perform?

No, Retire,

Hey, look, If you don't like
me, why do you come here?

Because you're one of the
top comics in the business,

In the world,
- In the business world,

Look, who's doing
this show? You or me?

Well, we're getting all the laughs,

This is my act,

And you're the greatest straight man in
the business, You've never been funnier,

Never,
- Really?

Oh, thank you, You're a wonderfuI
audience, Kisses, Kisses,

Yeah,

What did we just do?
- His act,

Well, we've never been funnier,

All right, Now, give
us the information,

or we have ways of making you talk,

Yes, sir, I'm Wac
Lieutenant Jane B, Smithers,

First Battalion, Fifth Army,
Based on the far side of the river,

We have over 1 5,000 troops,

heavily armed with 40 tanks
and three fighter planes,

Good, Thank you very much, That's
the information we needed, Thank you,

You're very welcome, Now, listen,

We have enough food and
ammunition for three weeks,

The commanding officer's
name is Frank Irving,

He's a gunnery expert
and a former account exec

with an ad agency in Philadelphia,

Well, yes, fine, That
should do it, Thank you,

He's 43 years old
and has two children,

And he drives a '63
Dodge station wagon,

And the pilot flying plane
number one is Mike Kelly,

Oh, yes, He's a graduate of
West Point and he wears a toupee,

That's enough! Enough already,
- He got three Bs and an A in his finaI year,

And he went with a generaI's
daughter named Maggie,

I don't care,
- Oh, she had a mole on her left shoulder,

I'm warning you, We have ways
of making you stop talking,

Listen, The other pilot
is an expert in decoding

and he is a crack gin rummy player,
I mean, he is really terrific,

Please don't do any
more, Stop, Don't talk,

Please don't talk, Stop it, please,

Oh, light of my life, frog in my arms,

At last we are alone,

At last you are alone, Piggy, I'm about to
go on stage in front of a thousand people,

But...

Oh, wretched day for a pig in
her prime to be thus scorned,

Oh,

How I long to hear my
love whisper sweet passion,

Hiya, good-looking, Where
you been all my life?

Kermit?

How...? But...

Hey, listen, you, Hey, you,

How about you and me getting
together and making some steam heat,

huh, snuggle bunny?

Snuggle bunny? But...

Yeah, look, look, look, Let
me take you away from all this,

A marriage made in
heaven, A frog and a pig,

We could have bouncing baby figs,

Baby figs?
- Sure, let me whisper...

Let me whisper sweet
nothings in your ear,

Sweet nothings,

Oh, Oh,

Huh?

Ugh! Ugh!

Yuk!

How dare you say that to a pig!

Piggy, Piggy, let me explain,
- Oh?

Explain this,

Hii-yah! Hiii!

Hiii! Hiii!

Listen, I think you may have dented him,
- I don't c...

Ahh...

Oh, well, The frog broke her fall,

I hear your son the hoteI has
become interested in religion,

Oh, interested isn't the word,

He's seriously thinking
about becoming a monastery,

Kermit has asked me to introduce
this week's closing number,

So it is with great pleasure...

Excuse me, Don't pay any
mind to me, Miss Buzzi,

I merely stand by, checking
the content of this program

to make sure it is
morally above reproach,

OK,

It is with great pleasure that I
present the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band,

That does not sound
culturally uplifting,

# Well, you can't
roller-skate in a buffalo herd

# You can't roller-skate
in a buffalo herd

# No, you can't roller-skate
in a buffalo herd

# But you can be happy
if you've a mind to

# All you gotta do
is put your mind to it

# Knuckle down, buckle
down, do it, do it, do it

# You can't go swimmin'
in a baseball pooI

# You can't go swimmin'
in a baseball pooI

# No, you can't go
swimmin' in a baseball pooI

# But you can be happy
if you've a mind to

# You can't change film
with a kid on your back

# You can't change film
with a kid on your back

# No, you can't change
film with a kid on your back

# But you can be happy
if you've a mind to

# All you gotta do
is put your mind to it

# Knuckle down, buckle
down, do it, do it, do it

# You can't roller-skate
in a buffalo herd

# You can't roller-skate
in a buffalo herd

# No, you can't roller-skate
in a buffalo herd

# But you can be happy if
this is the end of the song

Pass me that jug over here,

Time once again to raise the
intellectuaI leveI of our program,

It's about time too,
- Just hold it down there, Sam,

Tonight, our distinguished
paneI of experts

includes our speciaI
guest, Miss Gloria Goodbody,

Thank you,
- You're more than welcome,

And tonight we discuss that controversiaI
topic, "Is the human body obsolete?"

I presume the question under discussion
is something to do with the importance,

or lack thereof, of the physiologicaI
prowess, in this age of growing technology

and ever-escalating
cybernetic engineering,

That was wonderfuI,

I didn't understand it,

Now, actually, actually,
everyone, I was saying

that I think we're supposed to
be talking about physicaI fitness,

Oh, physicaI fitness,
- Yes, physicaI fitness,

Well, I'm fit,
- Let's get physicaI,

I'm a nut on physicaI fitness,
- Really?

In fact, I've tried every
exercise program that there is,

Right now, I'm into yoga,
- Yoga?

Yes, yoga,
- Isn't that that weird sour milk stuff?

Oh, no, That's yogurt, This is yoga,

What are you doing?

Doesn't that hurt?

Well, that's
about all the time we have,

What's going on?

Are you all right, Miss Goodbody?

Where are you going? There's
supposed to be a discussion here,

Oh, listen, Listen, That's nothing,
Watch this, This is physicaI fitness,

Wing-ups, One, two, three,
four, One, two, three, four,

You wanna elucidate?
- Would I?

The paneI appear to be too
busy to continue the discussion,

but tune in next week, where our topic
will be crowd controI and riot suppression,

Bravo, Bravo,
- WonderfuI,

Well, that's all for tonight,
Thank you all for watching,

and speciaI thanks to our wonderfuI
guest star, Miss Buth Ruzzi,

Buth Ruzzi, Buth Ruzzi, Buth Ruzzi,

Look at that, I knew this wicked
contraption would break down eventually,

A mere machine could
never replace a reaI frog,

You're a nice person, Ruth,
- Thank you,

And I hope we've tickled you as much
as you've tickled us on the show,

You have, Kermit,
- Right, guys? Huh?

Tickle, tickle,
- Oh, don't!

Hey, join us next week
on The Muppet Show.

Well, did you like the show?
- No, I didn't, No, I didn't, No, I didn't,