The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 3 - Joel Grey - full transcript
Fozzie takes on a new act - jokes on any subject - which drives everybody crazy. When he takes the stage, he asks for any word. Naturally, Statler & Waldorf call his bluff by yelling out "Amoeba!"
It's The Muppet Show,
with tonight's guest star,
Mr. Joel Grey!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
♪ on The Muppet Show tonight
In our house,
we use paper plates,
and every night, after dinner,
my wife erases the dishes.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Mr. Joel Grey!
♪ Give 'em the old
razzle-dazzle
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em ♪
♪ Willkommen, bienvenue ♪
♪ Our show tonight
will feature
♪ Some stuff that
looks like this...
(laughs)
(woman shrieks)
Yoo-hoo! Yoo--
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(applause)
Welcome. And what a show
we have for you tonight.
How would you like to see
4,000 woodpeckers
performing an aerial ballet
while 87 gorillas
and two dozen elephants
do the dance
of the sugar plum fairy?
Well, forget it.
Because instead, we've got
Joel Grey as a guest star,
which, in a way, is like
having all the excitement of everything I mentioned
without having to
clean up afterwards.
But right now,
let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show,
where we have
"Comedy Tonight."
(♪ "Comedy Tonight"
by Stephen Sondheim)
♪ Something familiar
♪ Something peculiar
♪ Something for everyone
♪ A comedy tonight
♪ Something appealing
♪ Something appalling
♪ Something for everyone,
a comedy tonight
♪ Nothing with kings
♪ Nothing with crowns
♪ Bring on the lovers,
liars and clowns
♪ Old situations
♪ New complications
♪ Nothing portentous
or polite
♪ Tragedy tomorrow,
comedy tonight
(laughs)
(both scream)
♪ Nothing of fate
♪ Nothing of state
♪ Weighty affairs
will just have to wait
Wait!
♪ Nothing that's formal
♪ Nothing that's normal
♪ No recitations to recite
♪ Open up the curtain
♪ Comedy tonight ♪
Well, the show is speeding along
very quickly this evening.
Oh, yes. Someone
must have told 'em
it's harder to hit
a moving target.
(hums)
Hiya, Kermit.
Oh, hi, there, Fozzie.
Listen, you better
go get ready.
Go in the dressing room
and get ready, would you?
Dressing room.
Uh, uh...
I had a dressing room so small,
all the mice were hunchbacked.
Please, Fozzie,
no jokes right now. I'm a tired frog.
Tired frog. I knew a frog
who got so tired,
he fell asleep
during his nap. Ha.
Fozzie, what is this?
Oh, see,
it's my new act. Yeah.
See, it's jokes on any subject.
You tell the subject,
and the bear does a joke on it.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Fozzie, please.
Please.
Take my wife...
please. Ha.
Fozzie, why don't you
just go in the dressing room and get ready, OK?
Dressing room. I had
a dressing room so small...
I heard it.
Oh.
But what do you think about
the act, Frog? Hmm-hmm?
Well, Fozzie, um...
it's got possibilities.
Ah!
Yeah. Why don't you work on it?
Oh, boy.
Alone.
Oh.
Uh, alone.
Alone.
This bear was left alone.
(♪ tea dance music)
Would you be interested
in seeing
the five Temptations?
Could you
just show me a couple?
I'm not as young
as I used to be.
2, 3, 4.
2, 3, 4.
You know, George,
I come from a very old family.
Yeah? Mine's older.
Oh, really? How old?
Uh, my family's so old,
it's been condemned. 2, 3, 4.
Boy, my brother
is really something.
He's got girls
eating out of his hand.
Oh?
Is he a lover?
No, a waiter.
Oh.
You know,
I'm really stuck on you.
Oh, how sweet.
You love me?
No, I'm just stuck on you.
(pop)
Aah!
(muttering)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is with great pride
and pleasure
that yours truly,
Kermit the Frog,
introduces
the international star of stage and screen...
Mr. Joel Grey.
Thank you, Kermit.
I can't tell you
what a pleasure it is
for me to be here
appearing in the Muppet cabaret.
Never have I entertained
in such a place before.
So unusual. So bizarre.
The most incredible
nightclub by far.
♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Fremde
♪ Étranger
♪ Stranger
♪ Glucklich zu sehen
♪ Je suis enchantée
♪ Happy to see you
♪ Bliebe, reste, stay
♪ Willkommen
♪ Bienvenue
♪ Welcome
♪ Im cabaret
♪ Au cabaret
♪ To cabaret
Meine Damen und Herren.
Mesdames et Messieurs.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Guten Abend.
Bonsoir.
Good evening.
Wie gehts?
Comment ca va?
Do you feel good?
Ich bin euer Conferencier.
Je suis votre compere.
I am your host.
I am your guest.
Gotcha.
♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Im cabaret,
au cabaret, to cabaret
Here, life is beautiful.
The customers are beautiful.
Even the orchestra
is beautiful.
Have you ever seen
such a beautiful orchestra?
Well, maybe in a zoo.
Even the dancers
are beautiful.
If your standards
aren't too high.
♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Im cabaret, au cabaret
♪ Wir sagen
(whispers) ♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Fremde, étranger
(loudly) ♪ Stranger
♪ Glucklich zu sehen
♪ Je suis enchanté
♪ Happy to see you
♪ Bliebe, reste, stay
♪ Wir sagen
♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Im cabaret
♪ Au cabaret
♪ To cabaret ♪
(applause)
Uh, another star
in the tradition
of the late, great
Boris Klinger.
Boris Klinger?!
Why, you old fool.
Boris Klinger was
the worst music-hall act
to ever step
onto the stage.
In your opinion, maybe,
but more than 2,000 people
attended his final performance.
Yes, yes. Half of them
brought the tar,
and the rest
brought the feathers.
Hiya, Hilda.
Oh, hello, Fozzie.
Fozzie, have you seen
my glasses?
Glasses, glasses. Uh...
I knew a minister once
who was so religious
when he read the Bible,
he wore stained glasses.
What is this?
It's my new act, see.
Jokes on any subject.
Yeah, pretty good, huh?
Nothing stops
the old Fozzie Bear.
I wish something would.
Wood, wood. Two bears
go into the woods...
Never mind.
I found my glasses.
Found, found, found...
Well, Joel, you know,
I just can't tell you
how pleased we are to have you
with us here tonight.
Thanks very much, Kermit.
I understand that you
come from an old show-business family, don't you, Joel?
Yes, actually...
You appeared on stage
at the ripe old age of ten, huh?
Yes.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
I understand you were also born
in Cleveland, Ohio,
but now you live in New York
with your wife Jo
and your two children -
Jimmy and Jennifer.
Plus three cats, two dogs,
a turtle and three Frisbees.
How do you know all that?
Yeah. Let me ask you something.
Well, now that you're with us, why don't you, uh...
why don't you just tell us
a little about yourself?
Actually, there's
not much left to tell.
Oh.
Boy, what a dull guest.
Dull, my foot. Why,
that young man is one of the all-time greats.
Do you hear me?
One of the greats.
Well, you'll get
no argument from me on that.
That may be the first time
we ever agreed on anything in our lives.
No. We once agreed in
the summer of 1912, yes.
What was that?
We agreed that Kaiser Bill
looked silly in a hat.
Remember?
No.
Ah, Turkey -
land of my dreams.
All the Turkish delights -
the Turkish women,
the coffee, the towels.
In every way,
my heart belongs to Turkey.
But lo, what lovely
Eastern maiden approacheth?
(whispers) Pachalafaka.
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ They whisper it
all over Turkey
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ It sounds
so romantic and perky
♪ Oh, I know that phrase
♪ Will make me thrill always
♪ For it reminds me
of you, my sweet
♪ Just the mention of
♪ That tender word of love
♪ Gives my heart
a jerkish Turkish beat
♪ I won't say "c'est bon"
♪ Or "l'amour toujours"
♪ For they can't express
what I'm feeling
♪ Even "mairzy doats"
♪ Or other foreign quotes
♪ Don't seem to be
quite so appealing
♪ But pachalafaka
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ Takes me back with you
to passionate desert scenes
♪ And it's where we'll stay
♪ Till the very day
♪ We find out
what "pachalafaka" means
♪ We find out
what "pachalafaka" means ♪
Aah!
You have got to do something
about that Fozzie Bear.
Yes. He's driving us bananas.
Yes.
Yeah. If he don't stop with
those jokes on any subject, I'll kill him.
I tell you, guys,
I don't really know exactly what to do about it.
Shh! Here he comes.
Now that's a thought.
If you don't like his jokes, don't say anything.
Oh.
Uh...
How you doin', Kermit?
How you doin', George?
How you doin',
George?
Oh... I get it. The old
silent treatment, huh?
Gonna be quiet
on Fozzie, huh? Uh...
Let's see.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Yeah. I knew a town
that was so quiet,
when someone
turned the lights off,
everybody yelled,
"What was that?"
No, no.
She had "yes, yes" in her eyes,
but "no no's" on her face.
Uh, tell you, Fozzie...
Yeah, terrific,
huh? Yeah.
Well, these jokes of yours
are starting to bug everybody.
Bug, bug, bug...
(all) Bug out!
Bug out?
What kind of joke is that?
Well, that was no joke, Fozzie.
That was my wife.
Hi, Joel.
Hey, why the hat?
I got my
new car outside, Gonzo. You wanna go for a spin?
Sure.
Gonzo. Hey.
Relax, relax. I didn't mean
actually go for a spin. It's just a phrase, like...
You don't
actually bite the hand that feeds you, do you?
I mean, one doesn't eat
one's heart out, does one?
I mean, one doesn't
talk through one's hat.
I hope not.
I can talk for myself.
I think
I'm going bananas.
I thought you were
going for a spin.
You're in for a special treat
tonight, folks,
as Fozzie Bear,
the comedy star of our show,
displays his ready wit
and nimble mind
in a test of comedy
that would stump the best.
You just name a subject,
and Fozzie Bear
will instantly give you a joke.
So here he is now,
the fastest fur in the west, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah. Mwah.
Thank you. Mwah.
Love you. Yeah. Hi.
Here I am, Fozzie Bear,
jokes on request.
You name anything,
any word, any subject,
and I, Fozzie Bear,
will hit you with
a great joke about it.
Don't be afraid.
Just yell 'em out,
and I'll yell 'em back. Come on!
Amoeba.
Huh?
He said "amoeba."
Yeah.
Uh... amoeb... Sorry,
no foreign words. Next.
That word is only
foreign to you. That's right.
Anybody else?
Over there?
You said any word.
And he said "amoeba."
Right.
Right. Amoeba. Uh, uh...
Could I come back to that?
Fake.
Fake. He's a fake.
Fake.
Fake.
Fake? Fake?
Fake, am I?
OK. That does it.
Give me that word again.
(both) Amoeba!
Right. Amoeba.
Two amoebas
walked out of a bar.
One amoeba says to the other,
"Say, is that the sun or the moon?"
And the other amoeba says,
"I don't know. I don't live around here."
(laughter and applause)
I did it, I did it.
He did it.
He's OK.
He certainly did. What does
"amoeba" mean, anyway?
I don't know. I don't
live around here, either.
Now the Muppet Players
are proud to present
a little-known classic
of Arthur Conan Doyle entitled,
Sherlock Holmes and the Case
of the Disappearing Clues.
Sherlock Holmes here.
Watson there.
Oh, Mr. Holmes,
I'm so glad you're here.
It's murder,
Mr. Holmes. Murder.
Just calm down,
my dear lady.
Dr. Watson and I
will have this case
solved in no time. Right, Watson?
Of course. Holmes
can solve any crime
by a simple process
of deduction.
Yes, sir. The body
of Lord Bottomley is right over there.
Great heavens!
Don't look, Watson.
It's too horrible
to gaze upon.
What manner of fiend
could have done this?
Actually,
I'm Fielding, the butler.
Lord Bottomley
lies over there.
(gasps)
He's been shot, Holmes.
Yes, yes.
Hmm... give me a moment.
Mm-hmm.
Of course!
I arrest Fielding,
the butler, for the murder of Lord Bottomley.
Amazing.
Preposterous.
Elementary.
The butler's fingerprints are on this glass.
Here's
a photo of the butler committing the murder.
The weapon in question,
registered
in the butler's name.
And finally,
an eyewitness, the maid,
who will seal his doom.
Excuse me, miss.
So you see, Watson,
pure deduction
on the face of the evidence
brings us to
the only possible conclusion,
and that is
that the butler did it.
But Holmes,
there is no evidence, so your logic is wrong.
Logic is never wrong,
Watson.
If there is no evidence
that the butler did it, and I certainly didn't do it,
then the inescapable
conclusion, Watson...
Yes, yes?
...is that you're the murderer.
Mmm, he's tough.
And the other
inescapable conclusion
is that, with
no evidence and no killer, there was no murder.
Ah.
(sneezes)
Gesundheit.
Tonight, The Great Gonzo
has dug deep
into his limitless repertoire
to bring us an act
never before seen
on any stage
anywhere in the world.
And with his luck,
it never will be seen again.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the greatest of all Gonzos.
Tonight, dear patrons
of the arts,
I will, with this
sledgehammer,
demolish this
vintage automobile
to the music
of the "Anvil Chorus."
After which, I will eat
the crankcase a cappella.
(♪ Anvil Chorus from
"Il Trovatore" by Verdi)
(booing)
Yokels! Rubes!
What do you know about great art?
Aw, that does it.
I'm giving up performing.
(applause and cheering)
Hey, Gonzo.
You can call me "Great."
Listen, uh, Great,
I was just watching your act,
you know, from offstage,
and a couple of things
occurred to me, as one artist to another.
Do you think I should
wear a top hat?
It's more than
a top hat, Gonz. (gasps)
I think it's the basic act,
actually. Yeah.
I think what you need
is some pizzazz.
You know what that means?
Let me show you.
♪ Just give 'em
the old razzle-dazzle
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Give 'em an act
with lots of flash in it
♪ And the reaction
will be passionate
♪ Give 'em the old hocus-pocus
♪ Bead and feather 'em
♪ How can they see
with sequins in their eyes?
♪ What if your hinges
all are rusting?
♪ What if, in fact,
you're just disgusting?
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ And they'll
never catch wise
♪ Give 'em the old
razzle-dazzle
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Back since the days
of old Methuselah
♪ Everyone loves
♪ The big bamboozler
♪ Give 'em the old
three-ring circus
♪ Stun and stagger 'em
♪ When you're in trouble,
go into your dance
♪ Though you are
stiffer than a girder
♪ They let you
get away with murder
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em,
and you got a romance
♪ Give 'em the old
razzle-dazzle
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Give 'em an act
that's unassailable
♪ They'll wait a year
till you're available
♪ Give 'em the old
double whammy
♪ Daze and dizzy 'em
♪ Show 'em the first-rate
sorcerer you are
♪ Long as you keep 'em
way off balance
♪ How can they spot
♪ You got no talents?
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ And they'll
make you a star ♪
(applause and cheering)
Well, with an act like that,
anybody can get applause.
Hey, Joel, we really
wanna thank you
for being with us
on the show tonight,
and I want you to know you'll
always be willkommen here.
Danke schon, Herr Kermit.
It was mein pleasure.
Keep working on that accent.
It might come in handy.
Thank you all for joining us,
and join us next week for The Muppet Show.
The Muppet Show.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
More! More!
Not so loud.
They may hear you.
(bum note)
with tonight's guest star,
Mr. Joel Grey!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
♪ on The Muppet Show tonight
In our house,
we use paper plates,
and every night, after dinner,
my wife erases the dishes.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Mr. Joel Grey!
♪ Give 'em the old
razzle-dazzle
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em ♪
♪ Willkommen, bienvenue ♪
♪ Our show tonight
will feature
♪ Some stuff that
looks like this...
(laughs)
(woman shrieks)
Yoo-hoo! Yoo--
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(applause)
Welcome. And what a show
we have for you tonight.
How would you like to see
4,000 woodpeckers
performing an aerial ballet
while 87 gorillas
and two dozen elephants
do the dance
of the sugar plum fairy?
Well, forget it.
Because instead, we've got
Joel Grey as a guest star,
which, in a way, is like
having all the excitement of everything I mentioned
without having to
clean up afterwards.
But right now,
let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show,
where we have
"Comedy Tonight."
(♪ "Comedy Tonight"
by Stephen Sondheim)
♪ Something familiar
♪ Something peculiar
♪ Something for everyone
♪ A comedy tonight
♪ Something appealing
♪ Something appalling
♪ Something for everyone,
a comedy tonight
♪ Nothing with kings
♪ Nothing with crowns
♪ Bring on the lovers,
liars and clowns
♪ Old situations
♪ New complications
♪ Nothing portentous
or polite
♪ Tragedy tomorrow,
comedy tonight
(laughs)
(both scream)
♪ Nothing of fate
♪ Nothing of state
♪ Weighty affairs
will just have to wait
Wait!
♪ Nothing that's formal
♪ Nothing that's normal
♪ No recitations to recite
♪ Open up the curtain
♪ Comedy tonight ♪
Well, the show is speeding along
very quickly this evening.
Oh, yes. Someone
must have told 'em
it's harder to hit
a moving target.
(hums)
Hiya, Kermit.
Oh, hi, there, Fozzie.
Listen, you better
go get ready.
Go in the dressing room
and get ready, would you?
Dressing room.
Uh, uh...
I had a dressing room so small,
all the mice were hunchbacked.
Please, Fozzie,
no jokes right now. I'm a tired frog.
Tired frog. I knew a frog
who got so tired,
he fell asleep
during his nap. Ha.
Fozzie, what is this?
Oh, see,
it's my new act. Yeah.
See, it's jokes on any subject.
You tell the subject,
and the bear does a joke on it.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Fozzie, please.
Please.
Take my wife...
please. Ha.
Fozzie, why don't you
just go in the dressing room and get ready, OK?
Dressing room. I had
a dressing room so small...
I heard it.
Oh.
But what do you think about
the act, Frog? Hmm-hmm?
Well, Fozzie, um...
it's got possibilities.
Ah!
Yeah. Why don't you work on it?
Oh, boy.
Alone.
Oh.
Uh, alone.
Alone.
This bear was left alone.
(♪ tea dance music)
Would you be interested
in seeing
the five Temptations?
Could you
just show me a couple?
I'm not as young
as I used to be.
2, 3, 4.
2, 3, 4.
You know, George,
I come from a very old family.
Yeah? Mine's older.
Oh, really? How old?
Uh, my family's so old,
it's been condemned. 2, 3, 4.
Boy, my brother
is really something.
He's got girls
eating out of his hand.
Oh?
Is he a lover?
No, a waiter.
Oh.
You know,
I'm really stuck on you.
Oh, how sweet.
You love me?
No, I'm just stuck on you.
(pop)
Aah!
(muttering)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is with great pride
and pleasure
that yours truly,
Kermit the Frog,
introduces
the international star of stage and screen...
Mr. Joel Grey.
Thank you, Kermit.
I can't tell you
what a pleasure it is
for me to be here
appearing in the Muppet cabaret.
Never have I entertained
in such a place before.
So unusual. So bizarre.
The most incredible
nightclub by far.
♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Fremde
♪ Étranger
♪ Stranger
♪ Glucklich zu sehen
♪ Je suis enchantée
♪ Happy to see you
♪ Bliebe, reste, stay
♪ Willkommen
♪ Bienvenue
♪ Welcome
♪ Im cabaret
♪ Au cabaret
♪ To cabaret
Meine Damen und Herren.
Mesdames et Messieurs.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Guten Abend.
Bonsoir.
Good evening.
Wie gehts?
Comment ca va?
Do you feel good?
Ich bin euer Conferencier.
Je suis votre compere.
I am your host.
I am your guest.
Gotcha.
♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Im cabaret,
au cabaret, to cabaret
Here, life is beautiful.
The customers are beautiful.
Even the orchestra
is beautiful.
Have you ever seen
such a beautiful orchestra?
Well, maybe in a zoo.
Even the dancers
are beautiful.
If your standards
aren't too high.
♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Im cabaret, au cabaret
♪ Wir sagen
(whispers) ♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Fremde, étranger
(loudly) ♪ Stranger
♪ Glucklich zu sehen
♪ Je suis enchanté
♪ Happy to see you
♪ Bliebe, reste, stay
♪ Wir sagen
♪ Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome
♪ Im cabaret
♪ Au cabaret
♪ To cabaret ♪
(applause)
Uh, another star
in the tradition
of the late, great
Boris Klinger.
Boris Klinger?!
Why, you old fool.
Boris Klinger was
the worst music-hall act
to ever step
onto the stage.
In your opinion, maybe,
but more than 2,000 people
attended his final performance.
Yes, yes. Half of them
brought the tar,
and the rest
brought the feathers.
Hiya, Hilda.
Oh, hello, Fozzie.
Fozzie, have you seen
my glasses?
Glasses, glasses. Uh...
I knew a minister once
who was so religious
when he read the Bible,
he wore stained glasses.
What is this?
It's my new act, see.
Jokes on any subject.
Yeah, pretty good, huh?
Nothing stops
the old Fozzie Bear.
I wish something would.
Wood, wood. Two bears
go into the woods...
Never mind.
I found my glasses.
Found, found, found...
Well, Joel, you know,
I just can't tell you
how pleased we are to have you
with us here tonight.
Thanks very much, Kermit.
I understand that you
come from an old show-business family, don't you, Joel?
Yes, actually...
You appeared on stage
at the ripe old age of ten, huh?
Yes.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
I understand you were also born
in Cleveland, Ohio,
but now you live in New York
with your wife Jo
and your two children -
Jimmy and Jennifer.
Plus three cats, two dogs,
a turtle and three Frisbees.
How do you know all that?
Yeah. Let me ask you something.
Well, now that you're with us, why don't you, uh...
why don't you just tell us
a little about yourself?
Actually, there's
not much left to tell.
Oh.
Boy, what a dull guest.
Dull, my foot. Why,
that young man is one of the all-time greats.
Do you hear me?
One of the greats.
Well, you'll get
no argument from me on that.
That may be the first time
we ever agreed on anything in our lives.
No. We once agreed in
the summer of 1912, yes.
What was that?
We agreed that Kaiser Bill
looked silly in a hat.
Remember?
No.
Ah, Turkey -
land of my dreams.
All the Turkish delights -
the Turkish women,
the coffee, the towels.
In every way,
my heart belongs to Turkey.
But lo, what lovely
Eastern maiden approacheth?
(whispers) Pachalafaka.
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ They whisper it
all over Turkey
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ It sounds
so romantic and perky
♪ Oh, I know that phrase
♪ Will make me thrill always
♪ For it reminds me
of you, my sweet
♪ Just the mention of
♪ That tender word of love
♪ Gives my heart
a jerkish Turkish beat
♪ I won't say "c'est bon"
♪ Or "l'amour toujours"
♪ For they can't express
what I'm feeling
♪ Even "mairzy doats"
♪ Or other foreign quotes
♪ Don't seem to be
quite so appealing
♪ But pachalafaka
♪ Pachalafaka
♪ Takes me back with you
to passionate desert scenes
♪ And it's where we'll stay
♪ Till the very day
♪ We find out
what "pachalafaka" means
♪ We find out
what "pachalafaka" means ♪
Aah!
You have got to do something
about that Fozzie Bear.
Yes. He's driving us bananas.
Yes.
Yeah. If he don't stop with
those jokes on any subject, I'll kill him.
I tell you, guys,
I don't really know exactly what to do about it.
Shh! Here he comes.
Now that's a thought.
If you don't like his jokes, don't say anything.
Oh.
Uh...
How you doin', Kermit?
How you doin', George?
How you doin',
George?
Oh... I get it. The old
silent treatment, huh?
Gonna be quiet
on Fozzie, huh? Uh...
Let's see.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Yeah. I knew a town
that was so quiet,
when someone
turned the lights off,
everybody yelled,
"What was that?"
No, no.
She had "yes, yes" in her eyes,
but "no no's" on her face.
Uh, tell you, Fozzie...
Yeah, terrific,
huh? Yeah.
Well, these jokes of yours
are starting to bug everybody.
Bug, bug, bug...
(all) Bug out!
Bug out?
What kind of joke is that?
Well, that was no joke, Fozzie.
That was my wife.
Hi, Joel.
Hey, why the hat?
I got my
new car outside, Gonzo. You wanna go for a spin?
Sure.
Gonzo. Hey.
Relax, relax. I didn't mean
actually go for a spin. It's just a phrase, like...
You don't
actually bite the hand that feeds you, do you?
I mean, one doesn't eat
one's heart out, does one?
I mean, one doesn't
talk through one's hat.
I hope not.
I can talk for myself.
I think
I'm going bananas.
I thought you were
going for a spin.
You're in for a special treat
tonight, folks,
as Fozzie Bear,
the comedy star of our show,
displays his ready wit
and nimble mind
in a test of comedy
that would stump the best.
You just name a subject,
and Fozzie Bear
will instantly give you a joke.
So here he is now,
the fastest fur in the west, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah. Mwah.
Thank you. Mwah.
Love you. Yeah. Hi.
Here I am, Fozzie Bear,
jokes on request.
You name anything,
any word, any subject,
and I, Fozzie Bear,
will hit you with
a great joke about it.
Don't be afraid.
Just yell 'em out,
and I'll yell 'em back. Come on!
Amoeba.
Huh?
He said "amoeba."
Yeah.
Uh... amoeb... Sorry,
no foreign words. Next.
That word is only
foreign to you. That's right.
Anybody else?
Over there?
You said any word.
And he said "amoeba."
Right.
Right. Amoeba. Uh, uh...
Could I come back to that?
Fake.
Fake. He's a fake.
Fake.
Fake.
Fake? Fake?
Fake, am I?
OK. That does it.
Give me that word again.
(both) Amoeba!
Right. Amoeba.
Two amoebas
walked out of a bar.
One amoeba says to the other,
"Say, is that the sun or the moon?"
And the other amoeba says,
"I don't know. I don't live around here."
(laughter and applause)
I did it, I did it.
He did it.
He's OK.
He certainly did. What does
"amoeba" mean, anyway?
I don't know. I don't
live around here, either.
Now the Muppet Players
are proud to present
a little-known classic
of Arthur Conan Doyle entitled,
Sherlock Holmes and the Case
of the Disappearing Clues.
Sherlock Holmes here.
Watson there.
Oh, Mr. Holmes,
I'm so glad you're here.
It's murder,
Mr. Holmes. Murder.
Just calm down,
my dear lady.
Dr. Watson and I
will have this case
solved in no time. Right, Watson?
Of course. Holmes
can solve any crime
by a simple process
of deduction.
Yes, sir. The body
of Lord Bottomley is right over there.
Great heavens!
Don't look, Watson.
It's too horrible
to gaze upon.
What manner of fiend
could have done this?
Actually,
I'm Fielding, the butler.
Lord Bottomley
lies over there.
(gasps)
He's been shot, Holmes.
Yes, yes.
Hmm... give me a moment.
Mm-hmm.
Of course!
I arrest Fielding,
the butler, for the murder of Lord Bottomley.
Amazing.
Preposterous.
Elementary.
The butler's fingerprints are on this glass.
Here's
a photo of the butler committing the murder.
The weapon in question,
registered
in the butler's name.
And finally,
an eyewitness, the maid,
who will seal his doom.
Excuse me, miss.
So you see, Watson,
pure deduction
on the face of the evidence
brings us to
the only possible conclusion,
and that is
that the butler did it.
But Holmes,
there is no evidence, so your logic is wrong.
Logic is never wrong,
Watson.
If there is no evidence
that the butler did it, and I certainly didn't do it,
then the inescapable
conclusion, Watson...
Yes, yes?
...is that you're the murderer.
Mmm, he's tough.
And the other
inescapable conclusion
is that, with
no evidence and no killer, there was no murder.
Ah.
(sneezes)
Gesundheit.
Tonight, The Great Gonzo
has dug deep
into his limitless repertoire
to bring us an act
never before seen
on any stage
anywhere in the world.
And with his luck,
it never will be seen again.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the greatest of all Gonzos.
Tonight, dear patrons
of the arts,
I will, with this
sledgehammer,
demolish this
vintage automobile
to the music
of the "Anvil Chorus."
After which, I will eat
the crankcase a cappella.
(♪ Anvil Chorus from
"Il Trovatore" by Verdi)
(booing)
Yokels! Rubes!
What do you know about great art?
Aw, that does it.
I'm giving up performing.
(applause and cheering)
Hey, Gonzo.
You can call me "Great."
Listen, uh, Great,
I was just watching your act,
you know, from offstage,
and a couple of things
occurred to me, as one artist to another.
Do you think I should
wear a top hat?
It's more than
a top hat, Gonz. (gasps)
I think it's the basic act,
actually. Yeah.
I think what you need
is some pizzazz.
You know what that means?
Let me show you.
♪ Just give 'em
the old razzle-dazzle
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Give 'em an act
with lots of flash in it
♪ And the reaction
will be passionate
♪ Give 'em the old hocus-pocus
♪ Bead and feather 'em
♪ How can they see
with sequins in their eyes?
♪ What if your hinges
all are rusting?
♪ What if, in fact,
you're just disgusting?
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ And they'll
never catch wise
♪ Give 'em the old
razzle-dazzle
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Back since the days
of old Methuselah
♪ Everyone loves
♪ The big bamboozler
♪ Give 'em the old
three-ring circus
♪ Stun and stagger 'em
♪ When you're in trouble,
go into your dance
♪ Though you are
stiffer than a girder
♪ They let you
get away with murder
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em,
and you got a romance
♪ Give 'em the old
razzle-dazzle
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Give 'em an act
that's unassailable
♪ They'll wait a year
till you're available
♪ Give 'em the old
double whammy
♪ Daze and dizzy 'em
♪ Show 'em the first-rate
sorcerer you are
♪ Long as you keep 'em
way off balance
♪ How can they spot
♪ You got no talents?
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ Razzle-dazzle 'em
♪ And they'll
make you a star ♪
(applause and cheering)
Well, with an act like that,
anybody can get applause.
Hey, Joel, we really
wanna thank you
for being with us
on the show tonight,
and I want you to know you'll
always be willkommen here.
Danke schon, Herr Kermit.
It was mein pleasure.
Keep working on that accent.
It might come in handy.
Thank you all for joining us,
and join us next week for The Muppet Show.
The Muppet Show.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
More! More!
Not so loud.
They may hear you.
(bum note)