The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 2 - Connie Stevens - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special
guest star, Connie Stevens.

And from Sesame
Street, Ernie and Bert.

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! That Gonzo is so dumb,

he just heard that we're
running short of water,



so he wants us to dilute it.

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you...

Miss Connie Stevens!

♪ But now let's
get things started

♪ On the most
sensational inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome to The Muppet Show.

Hey, our special guest star is the
beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens.

So we're gonna have a
great show for you tonight,



and matter of fact, right now I'd like
you to meet another friend of mine.

Her name is Lydia. Hit it!

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia,
say, have you met Lydia?

♪ Lydia the tattooed lady

♪ She has eyes
that folks adore so

♪ And a torso even more so

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia,
that encyclo-pid-ia

♪ Oh, Lydia the queen of tattoo

♪ On her back is
the battle of Waterloo

♪ Beside it the wreck
of the Hesperus, too

♪ And proudly above
waves the red, white and blue

♪ You can learn a lot from Lydia

♪ La da daa

♪ Da da dum

♪ La da daa

♪ Da da dum

♪ She can give you a
view of the world in tattoo

♪ If you step up
and tell her where

♪ For a dime you can
see Kankakee or Paris

♪ Or Washington
crossing the Delaware

♪ La da daa

♪ Da da dum

♪ Loo doo doo

♪ Doo doo

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia,
say, have you met Lydia?

♪ Oh, Lydia the tattooed lady

♪ When her
muscles start relaxing

♪ Up the hill comes
Andrew Jackson

♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia,
oh, have you met Lydia?

♪ Oh, Lydia the
champ of them all

♪ She once swept an
admiral clear off his feet

♪ The ships on her hips
made his heart skip a beat

♪ And now the old boy's
in command of the fleet

♪ For he went
and married Lydia ♪

Oh, uh, Piggy.
Have you met Lydia?

No. Have you met
my left fist? Hmm?

I love it. I love it.

Of course he loves it. He's the
kind of guy who plants poison ivy.

Hilda, Hilda, could I
ask a great big favor?

Oh, Gonzo, I'm
very busy right now.

Oh, but I brought
my teddy bear in

just especially
for you to repair.

Gonzo, aren't you a little old

to carry around a teddy bear?

Really? You think I'm
emotionally mature enough

to move up to a Raggedy Ann?

Gonzo, I categorically,
absolutely refuse

to repair that teddy bear.

Can I take that to
mean "maybe"? Oh!

Oh, come on, Hilda.
What do you say, huh?

I say that bear
is the worst thing

I have ever seen
in this theater.

Why not get rid of him?

But, but Hilda...

The bear is the worst thing
she's ever seen in this theater?

My whole life is
flashing before my eyes.

English word der
Swedish meatballs.

Here is der sauce der meatballs.

Das good. Oop!

Oh.

Is a beencey bouncy burger, eh?

I serve de burger...

15-love.

Kermit, this is an ultimatum.
We sing tonight or else.

Kermit's not here, Wayne. Hmm.
Hiding from my wrath, no doubt.

That's funny. He's
not on stage, either.

Wanda, no one is
on stage. You mean...

Yes. This is our
chance. We must grasp it.

But this is supposed to be the
place for the Connie Stevens spot.

Oh, we'll cut the
Connie Stevens spot.

Who needs the
Connie Stevens spot?

Who cares about the
Connie Stevens spot?

I can't wait for the
Connie Stevens spot!

Well, I thought Kermit
was gonna introduce me.

And indeed he shall. Hi, Kermit.

Hi, Connie. Wow.
Hey, listen, gang.

I'd like to introduce that
indefatigable blonde bundle

of beauty and talent,
Miss Connie Stevens.

Wow! And that was only
your backstage introduction.

When you sing your song,
I'm gonna pull out all the stops.

Aw, thanks, Kermit.
You're so kind.

Ooh, it was my pleasure.

Incidentally, I've been looking
at this number you're gonna do,

and I don't remember
ever hearing it before.

Yeah, well, when I get done
with it, you may never hear it again.

Listen, it was a big
hit back in the '50s.

And I would like
to dedicate this

to my old boyfriend
Jimmy McAfee.

He used to sing this to me in his
hot rod back in 1956, in the front seat.

Oh, yeah? Your
first love, huh? Yeah.

Sure was a beautiful car.

I... I-I meant Jimmy McAfee.

Oh, yeah. Jimmy McAfee.

Ooh. Kermit,
boy, did I love him.

He had this long, thick
greasy hair, you know,

and he used to wear
this big leather jacket.

And you know something?
If we had saved Jimmy's hair

we wouldn't have
any oil shortage today.

I can't wait to hear the song.

And like I told you earlier,
we got a group to back you up.

Fantastic!

Is that the group?
Yep. You called it.

Well, they aren't
The Temptations.

No, those are The Mutations.

Delightful.

Yeah. Well, I tell you what.

I'm gonna go out there

and give you a big 1950s
disc-jockey style introduction, OK?

OK. Whoo!

This is Kermit the
Frog, your favorite jock,

with all the top tunes of today
spinning merrily out your way.

Stacks and stacks
of wax and wax,

and this is a golden
oldie, a blast from the past -

the fabulous Connie
Stevens and The Mutations

with a platter that
mattered way back in 1956.

Let's lock on "Teenager
In Love." Connie, you're on!

♪ Each time we have a quarrel

♪ It almost breaks my heart

♪ 'Cause I am so afraid

♪ That we will have to part

♪ Each night I ask
the stars up above

♪ Why must I be
a teenager in love?

♪ I cried a tear

♪ For nobody but you

♪ I'd be the lonely one

♪ If you should
say we're through

♪ Well, if you
want to make me cry

♪ That won't be so hard to do

♪ And if you should say goodbye

♪ I'll still go on loving you

♪ 'Cause each night I
ask the stars up above

♪ Why must I be
a teenager in love?

♪ Why must I be a teenager

♪ In love? ♪

Ah, how poignant.

I remember being
a teenager in love.

Yeah, but Queen
Victoria wouldn't have you!

Kermit, don't tell me
you don't like him either.

Well, what's to like, Gonzo?
That bear is the worst.

I say let's get rid of him, OK?

But he's a nice bear.

Come on, I don't care if he
is moldy looking. I like him.

Did you hear? Only
Gonzo likes me.

And he thinks I'm moldy.

I see they've finally started
to class this place up.

How do you mean?

They're making the
rats wear neckties.

Two, three, dip.
One, two, three, dip.

One, two, three, dip.

One, two, three, dip.

Bruce, this is not a foxtrot.

It is to me.

♪ No one to talk
with, all by myself

♪ No one to walk with,
but I'm happy on the shelf

♪ Ain't misbehavin'

♪ Savin' my love for you

♪ Sca-da-ba-da-doo

♪ I know for certain

♪ The one I love

♪ I'm through with flirting,
it's just you I'm dreaming of

♪ Ain't misbehavin'

♪ Savin' my love for you

♪ Like Jack Horner

♪ In the corner

♪ Don't go nowhere

♪ What do I care?

♪ Your kisses
are worth waiting for

♪ Believe me

♪ I don't stay out late

♪ Don't care to go

♪ I'm home about eight,
just me and my radio

♪ Ain't misbehavin'

♪ Savin' my love for you

♪ Believe me

♪ I don't stay out late

♪ Don't care to go

♪ I'm home about eight,
just me and my radio

♪ Ain't misbehavin'

♪ Savin' my love for you

♪ Be-ba-da-bom ♪

Ahh!

Uh, Connie, at last...

we're alone.

You know something?

I think it's terrific
being with you.

Oh, yeah?

♪ Why do stars

♪ Fall down from the skies

♪ Every time

♪ You walk by?

♪ Just like me

♪ They long to be

♪ Close to you

♪ Aaa-aaa-aahh

♪ Close to you

♪ Aaa-aaa-aahh

♪ Close to you

♪ On the day that you were
born the angels got together

♪ And decided to
create a dream come true

♪ So they sprinkled moon
dust in your hair of green

♪ And starlight
in your eyes of blue

♪ That is why
all the girls in town

♪ Follow you around

♪ Ooh, just like me

♪ They long to be

♪ Close to you

Are you ready, fellas?

♪ Just like me

♪ They long to be

♪ Close

♪ To

♪ You ♪

I'd like to get close
to Connie Stevens,

but I'm too close
to something else.

Well, what's that? 90.

I've had it.

Now that I know what
people think of me here,

I'm leaving the show.

Oh, hi, guys. Say, I'm curious.
What do you think of him?

Listen, they're talking about
me. Well, I will not listen.

What do I think of the
bear? Why, he's funny.

No, no, really. Every
time I look at him

he makes me want
to laugh and laugh.

Oh, I think he's just great.

Oh, well, I'm glad
you like him, too.

Kermit thinks it's a
disgrace to have him around

and says we ought
to get a new one.

Well, that'd be nice, too.

The bear can
barely bear it, folks.

OK, Zoot. It's
time for your solo.

Have you looked over the music?

Yeah. You expect
me to play this, man?

What else would you do with it?

If I had a match I could
put it out of its misery.

Trust me, Zoot. This
is a great little number.

Yeah. What if I
refuse to play it?

What if I get a new sax player?

What if you and I
just get right down to it

and do this little beauty, huh?

Good thought. Yeah.

Forgive me, Charlie
Parker, wherever you are.

OK. And now, for your
amazement and confusion,

The Muppet Show's resident
weird person, Gonzo the Great,

will grow a tomato plant

whilst playing the 1812
Overture on the violin.

Thank you, thank you.

This is the tomato plant,
and I am the Gonzo.

This act may not last long.

- Whoo!
- Whee-aaa-hahah!

In fact, it's over.

No! Get off me!

Well, they're gonna
be tied up for a while.

Goodbye, Mr. Frog. Uh,
Fozzie? Where are you going?

Oh, I've been hearing what they've
been saying about the old bear here,

so I'm going home.

I'm leaving the show business.

But... Kermit.

Bye. If the bear goes, I go.

Wha... Gonzo, I never realized!

Oh, boy, oh, boy. OK.

OK. The ball is in your
court, frog. Uh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. Hold it. Hold it.

Listen, Fozzie, when
you heard people saying

they didn't want the
bear around here,

they were referring to
Gonzo's teddy bear, not to you.

Teddy bear?

Oh, you mean... Then you really
want me to stay on the show?

Of course I want you to stay
on the show. You're a star.

You're a legend in
your own time. Oh!

Am I laying it on
a little too thick?

Oh, I don't know what to say,

except that if you, the frog,
want me, the bear, to stay, then...

I just have to have
a raise. What?!

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I want an even
bigger dressing room and a limousine...

Will you get out
of here, Fozzie?!

Thank you, sir.
Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, well, like I was saying, Kermit,
if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.

OK, OK. You can stay.
The teddy bear can stay.

Both bears can stay.
The Gonzo can stay.

Phew!

Sometimes the crown
weighs rather heavy

on this little froggy head.

Here's a Muppet news flash.

And now, to Washington DC
for a direct call on our hot line.

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

And now it's time to present
two old friends of ours.

All the way from Sesame
Street, here they are now,

the two and only,
Ernie and Bert.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Gee, it's really great
to be here. Right, Bert?

Uh... Guess so.

Well, what's wrong,
Bert? Well, I mean, uh...

I feel funny being here.

This is a big TV
variety show, you know.

Well, so? Well, I...
I'm no performer.

Oh, Bert. A suave, sophisticated
showman like you, Bert?

Oh, sure, sure.
You see, I know you.

You're gonna keep on saying
I'm suave and sophisticated,

and then when I
start to believe it,

then you're gonna say
how pointy head I have

and how floppy arms I
have and-and how dull I am.

I know you. Oh,
Bert, Bert, Bert.

What? Now, you must
admit, though, Bert,

that the head up there
is a little bit pointy, Bert.

And you must admit that the arms
are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert.

See that? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And Bert? What?

Bert. The nose
is still loose, Bert.

Now cut that out!

Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Bert. Here.

There we go, Bert.
Yeah. See what I mean?

I mean, that old loose nose
joke is funny on Sesame Street,

but this is big time, Ernie.

I mean, they're expecting
an act or something...

Hey, Bert, wait a minute.
You can do an act.

All you need are the clothes,
Bert. Ah, no... Clothes?

Come here, Bert. Step right
over here. No, I... No, stop it...

No, no, right over here, Bert.

I know what you
have in mind. Stop it!

And here he is now, that
suave, sophisticated showman,

my old buddy Bert.

Well, Bert? What do you say?

♪ Some enchanted evening

Beg pardon, Bert? ♪
You may see a stranger

What's going on here?

♪ You may see a stranger

♪ Across a crowded room

♪ And somehow you know

♪ You know even then

♪ That somewhere you'll see her

♪ Again and again

♪ Who can explain it?

♪ Who can tell you why?

♪ Fools give you reasons

♪ Wise men never

♪ Try

Oh, Connie.

♪ Once you have found her

♪ Never let her go

♪ Once you have found her

♪ Never

♪ Let her

♪ G-Go ♪

Ernie? Hmm?

Ernie, come here. What, Bert?

Did I just make a
complete fool of myself?

Absolutely, Bert.

Take me home. I feel terrible.

Come on, Bert.

Well, Connie, we
sure want to thank you

for being with us
on the show tonight.

Well, thank you,
Kermit. I had a ball.

Listen. Hey, we'd also like
to present you with a little gift

that we give to all our
guest stars on the show -

a Muppet likeness of yourself.

Uh, hiya, Connie.

Do you think there's room
for two of us in this business?

Well, can you sing
and dance? Uh, no.

Well, then, there's
plenty of room.

Thanks a lot, Kermit. This is a
lovely surprise. I would like to thank...

Oh, no. It's a...

It's a crazy Great Gonzo tomato
plant! Hey, make sure Connie's OK,

and tell Gonzo that either
the plant goes or he goes.

We lose more guests that way.

Anyhow, take care of yourselves, and
we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Well, do you think this
show is educational?

Yes, it'll drive
people to read books.