The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 1 - Juliet Prowse - full transcript
Kermit is pressured into allowing Scooter to do a musical number with Muppy the dog. Guest star Juliet Prowse dances to a Scott Joplin melody.
It's The Muppet Show,
with our very special guest
star, Miss Juliet Prowse.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, have I got an
opening joke for you tonight.
Hee-hee. It's great. Oh,
you're gonna love this.
This...
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Miss Juliet Prowse!
♪ But now let's
get things started
♪ On the most
sensational, inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(applause)
Thank you, thank you.
Hey, listen, it's another
great show, folks.
I mean, tonight our guest star is one
of the truly great dancers of the world -
the one and only
Miss Juliet Prowse.
And, if that weren't enough,
we've also got "Mahna Mahna."
Whatever that means.
♪ Be-do be-do do-do-do
be-do be-be-do be-do
♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do
♪ Mahna mahna mahna-ma
nuh-nuh me-nah-ne-nah
♪ Nuh-nuh-nuh mah-mah nuh-nuh
♪ Uh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh
(trails off)
♪ Uh-nuh-nuh
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle
♪ Do do do-doo do
♪ Mah nuh-nuh mah nuh-nuh
♪ Mah-nuh
mah-nuh-nmah-nuh-nuh-nuh
♪ Mah-nuh
mah-nuh-nana nuh-nuh ne
Nuh?
Huh?
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle
♪ Do do do-doo do
♪ Nuh-nuh-nmah nuh-nuh
♪ Uh-nuh-nuh-nuh mah-nuh-nuh
♪ Nuh-nuh-nuh na
nuh-ne-nuh nah nah
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle
♪ Do do do-doo do
♪ Mah-nuh-nuh na nuh-nuh
♪ Mah-nuh-nuh na nuh-nuh
♪ Mah-nah-nah-nah
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle
♪ Do do do-doo do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle do do
(phone rings)
Hello? OK. Just a second.
It's for you.
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪
The question is, what
is a "Mahna Mahna"?
The question is, who cares?
Think about this, friends.
Hey, boss, Muppy and
I wanted to talk to you
about the act we're
doing on the show tonight.
Uh, Scooter, you're not doing
an act on the show tonight.
Oh, gee, my uncle who owns this
theater thought of this act, didn't he?
Tell us about the act you're
doing on the show tonight.
Oh, it's called "Simon Smith
and his Amazing Dancing Dog."
Yeah, I sing this song,
see, and Muppy here
does this cute, adorable,
sweet, sugary little dance.
Well, it sounds, says the frog,
displaying his artistic
judgment, sappy.
Gee, my uncle
thought it was... Uh...
it sounds, says the frog,
displaying his will
to survive, wonderful.
Yeah, it's great.
He'll love it. Certainly.
I've often thought of Muppy here
as about the cutest
little fellow around.
He thinks of
himself as a killer.
Let me outta here!
That dumb dog.
Whoa, I'm onstage.
Wow. (clears throat)
Now that I'm here, let
me take this opportunity
to present The Muppet
Show's resident artist -
Gonzo the Great!
(♪ fanfare)
Huh? Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
I will eat this rubber tire
to the music of "The
Flight of the Bumblebee."
Music, Maestro.
(♪ "The Flight of
the Bumblebee")
He's doing it.
He's eating a tire.
Amazing!
Astounding!
Boring.
(audience boos)
Looks like it's another
wipeout for Gonzo.
Ah, yokels!
What do they know
about art? (spits)
Hey, Kermit... Muppy wants you
to know he's very sorry he bit you.
Oh, yeah? He wants you
to know he's very grateful
you're letting him do the "Simon
Smith" number. Oh, well, that's nice.
He wants you to know he wants his
own dressing room and star billing.
What? Who is this crazy dog?
He's my uncle's favorite pet.
(slurps)
Yecch!
(door opens)
(applause)
Hello there, Miss Prowse.
Hey, listen, is everything OK?
Any complaints?
No, none whatsoever.
Except that I've never had to
share my dressing room before
with a man who eats a tire.
I told Gonzo to
dress in the alley.
Hey, listen, I gotta
go introduce you.
You look beautiful. Beautiful.
He's sweet. For a frog.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
lovely Miss Juliet Prowse.
(♪ "Solace" by Scott Joplin)
(applause)
She just vanished.
How did she do that?
Probably like this.
(takes deep breath)
Yep. That's probably
how she did it.
(♪ tea dance music)
You're such a smooth dancer.
Ever since we've started,
I feel like my feet have
never touched the floor.
They haven't. You've
been standing on mine.
Oops.
Do you prefer
Shakespeare to Bacon?
I prefer anything to bacon.
You mind if I
smoke? If you insist.
Thanks.
(coughing and choking)
Smoke's not bothering
you, is it? Manager!
(♪ melodramatic piano music)
At this time, I would like
to present my rendition
of one of the great
songs of our time.
That ever-popular classic,
"You and I and George."
"But why," you ask,
as well you should,
"have I never heard this
great song of our times?"
Fact is, nobody has ever
heard of this ever-popular classic.
In its only recording,
"You and I and
George" sold two copies.
I bought one, and
George bought one.
Where were you?
My own mother turns
down her hearing aid
when I sing this song.
♪ You and I and George
♪ Went strolling
♪ Through the park one day
♪ And then
♪ You held my hand
♪ As if to say
♪ I love you
♪ Then
♪ We passed a brook
♪ And George fell in
and drowned himself
♪ And floated out to sea
♪ Leaving you
♪ Alone
♪ With me ♪
You know, that number you
did was just beautiful, Juliet.
Well, thank you, Kermit.
You know, I'm really happy to be
here with you and all the Muppets.
You know something? I've
never talked to a frog before.
Well, we're just
like anyone else.
A little more jumpy, maybe.
But, you know, we have
our hopes and our dreams.
Oh, yeah? Well, what
are some of your dreams?
Well...
you may just think I'm
gilding the lily pad here,
but, as a tadpole, I always
wanted to be a dancer.
Oh. But you know
what they say...
the first thing to go
on a frog are his legs.
You know, that's what they say.
That's funny. I never knew
that frogs had a sense of humor.
Oh, well, we have to.
Listen, you meet a frog
without a sense of humor,
and you're looking
at a green lump.
Let's just face it, Julie.
Your average frog doesn't have a lot
going for him in the looks department.
Oh, I don't know.
I think you're quite attractive.
Really? Mm-hmm.
You're not just saying that
because you're a guest?
Well, certainly not.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that
you are the Robert Redford of frogs.
Oh. Wow.
Hey, listen, everybody.
Do you hear that?
Juliet Prowse thinks I'm
the Robert Redford of frogs.
Hey, you're gonna be
coming back on this show a lot.
Hey, listen, have you ever
kissed Robert Redford?
No, I haven't.
Well, how about...
(clears throat)
kissing the next best thing?
You mean to tell me that
Paul Newman is here?
I mean me, the Robert
Redford of frogdom.
Ah. My pleasure.
Whoo!
More! More!
Less! Less!
OK. Stand by for the Western
sketch. Hey, Kermit, Kermit.
(gruffly) Does this
sound like John Wayne?
Will you get onstage, Fozzie?
Hey, Kermit. Hmm?
Yeah, now that Muppy is doing
the big "Simon Smith" number,
well, he only has
one other suggestion.
Listen, I already gave him his own
dressing room. What more does he want?
Well, it's about the
title of the show. Look.
The Muppy Show?
(screams)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's cowboy time.
(♪ "Home on the Range")
I'd been playing saloon piano
in Snake City for three years.
It was the roughest
town in the West.
I mean, we had
some mean customers.
Howdy, Rowlf.
Uh... Hello, Miss Kitty.
I mean, they were tough.
After three years, I
thought I'd seen it all.
I'd seen the Clanton
brothers, the Younger brothers,
the James brothers.
Not to mention the
Osmond brothers.
But when Kid
Fozzie came to town,
I knew I hadn't seen nothing.
(gruffly) All right, everybody.
Reach for the floor.
Uh, beg pardon?
Reach for the floor.
This is a stickdown.
You're confused, Kid.
You ain't got no guns.
Those are pickles. (laughter)
That's right, folks.
There he is, the fastest
gherkin in the West.
He's got a license
to carry them pickles?
Hey, when you get shot
by a pickle at close range,
do you get garlic burns?
All right, you asked for it.
Sorry, Kid.
I didn't know the pickles were
loaded. Here's your money.
All right, Kid, don't make a move. I got
you covered. Throw down your pickles.
OK.
I don't need guns to fight you.
I'll get you with my knife.
Will you stop with
the vegetables?
Boy, you shouldn't
have done that.
I'm a desperate bear,
ready for desperate measures.
Oh, no! (woman screams)
It's an apple!
And don't tell me...
Yes. The fuse is lit.
The fuse is lit?
(coughing)
And that's how it was
the day Kid Fozzie
came into town.
That's one of the reasons
I always thought the
Muppets were weird.
Why's that?
They think explosions are funny.
Yes. Explosions aren't funny.
Although some of them
are really quite droll.
Juliet, what has
one eye, sharp teeth
and is long and fuzzy?
I don't know. I don't know,
either, but you're wearing it.
Hiya, toots.
(screams)
(screams)
Muppy, Scooter, you're on next.
It's no use, Kermit. What?
Muppy says if you won't change
the title of the show, he's not going on.
He's locked himself in his dressing
room, and he's not coming out.
Yeah, but the "Simon
Smith" number's on next.
I know, I know. What
are we gonna do?
Kermit? Kermit? Kermit?
How come I'm not doing
an act this week? Hmm?
Uh... congratulations, Fozzie.
You're doing an act this week.
Sometimes I can
be very persuasive.
Ladies and gentlemen,
"Simon Smith and his
Amazing Dancing... Bear."
(♪ "Simon Smith and his
Amazing Dancing Bear")
♪ I may go out tomorrow
♪ If I can borrow a coat to wear
♪ Oh, I'd step out in style
♪ With my sincere
smile and my dancing bear
♪ Outrageous, alarming
♪ Courageous, charming
♪ Oh, who would
think a boy and bear
♪ Could be
well-accepted everywhere?
♪ It's just amazing
how fair people can be
♪ Seen at the nicest places
♪ Where well-fed
faces all stop to stare
♪ Making the grandest entrances
♪ Simon Smith
and his dancing bear
♪ They'll love us
♪ Won't they?
♪ They feed us
♪ Don't they?
♪ Oh, who would
think a boy and bear
♪ Could be
well-accepted everywhere?
♪ It's just amazing
how fair people can be
♪ Oh, who needs money
♪ When we're funny?
♪ The great
attraction everywhere
♪ Will be Simon Smith
and his dancing bear
♪ It's Simon Smith and
his amazing dancing bear ♪
Together! Yes!
Oh, yes!
(applause)
Say, Waldorf, I was
wondering if maybe you...
(mouths)
Darn. I'd better get some new
batteries for my hearing aid.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I
fool him every time!
OK. Muppet Glee Club,
Muppet Glee Club
onstage, please.
Muppet Glee Club. OK. All right.
Everybody in
position, please. OK.
Everybody ready?
The Muppet Glee
Club. 1 and 2 and...
(silence)
Uh, uh...
Wait, wait, wait.
Something is amiss here.
I thought it was lovely.
You wave that stick wonderfully.
When it comes to stick
waving, Kermit wrote the book.
Well, thank you, thank you. I
do appreciate that kind comment,
but I would like to point
out to all assembled here
that this is a glee club.
Oh, yes, that is what
our letterhead says.
Yeah. So when I wave
this stick so wonderfully,
I would like to
hear something. Oh!
We were remiss in that regard.
OK. Here we go. One more
time. The Muppet Glee Club.
1 and 2 and...
(all sing different
tunes at once)
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold, hold, hold...
Hold it. Hold it. Hold
it. Hold it. Hold it. Stop.
How shall I say this?
Excuse me, friends,
but to my ears at least,
it would help a lot if
you were all singing...
the same song!
(hen) Oh, I love it!
So wild! The frog is a genius.
Awful cute, too.
It really doesn't matter
what song you sing,
as long as we all agree to the
song that we're going to sing.
OK. OK?
Now, does anybody
here have a favorite song?
(all) Yes!
Uh, w-what song is that?
(all) "Temptation"!
Since there seems to be
some consensus of opinion here,
the Muppet Glee Club will
now render "Temptation."
Piggy, honey? Hmm?
You can take the
solo. Yes, my love.
OK. Here we go. I love him.
The Muppet Glee
Club. "Temptation."
1 and 2 and...
♪ Dum da-da da, dum da-da da
♪ Dum da-da da, dum dum
♪ Dum da-da da, dum da-da da
♪ Dum da-da da, dum dum dum
♪ You came ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ I was alone ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ I should have known ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ You were temptation ♪
Dum dum dum da-da da dum
♪ You smiled ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ Luring me on ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ My heart was gone ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ You were temptation ♪
Dum dum dum da-da da dum
♪ It would be thrilling
♪ If you were willing
♪ If it can never be
♪ Pity me
♪ For you were ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ Born to be kissed ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ I can't resist ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ You are temptation ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ And I am yours ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ Here is my heart ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ Take it and say ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ We'll never part ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ I'm just a slave ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ Only a slave ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ To you ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ Temptation ♪
Hey, Juliet, I want to tell
you what a pleasure it was
to have you with us on the show.
Oh, Kermit, I really enjoyed it.
And as a little token
of our appreciation,
we have a Muppet
likeness of you right here.
Oh, how sweet.
I know you'd rather
have the cash, but...
No, no, no, Kermit.
This is just wonderful.
Can I come home with you?
Well, of course you can.
She's not as pretty
as you, you know, but...
Oh, Kermit, thank you.
Ooh. Thank you.
And thank you
all for joining us.
We'll see you all next
time on The Muppet Show.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
Well, what did you think?
Beats sitting home
watching television.
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪
(bum note)
with our very special guest
star, Miss Juliet Prowse.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, have I got an
opening joke for you tonight.
Hee-hee. It's great. Oh,
you're gonna love this.
This...
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Miss Juliet Prowse!
♪ But now let's
get things started
♪ On the most
sensational, inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(applause)
Thank you, thank you.
Hey, listen, it's another
great show, folks.
I mean, tonight our guest star is one
of the truly great dancers of the world -
the one and only
Miss Juliet Prowse.
And, if that weren't enough,
we've also got "Mahna Mahna."
Whatever that means.
♪ Be-do be-do do-do-do
be-do be-be-do be-do
♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do
♪ Mahna mahna mahna-ma
nuh-nuh me-nah-ne-nah
♪ Nuh-nuh-nuh mah-mah nuh-nuh
♪ Uh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh
(trails off)
♪ Uh-nuh-nuh
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle
♪ Do do do-doo do
♪ Mah nuh-nuh mah nuh-nuh
♪ Mah-nuh
mah-nuh-nmah-nuh-nuh-nuh
♪ Mah-nuh
mah-nuh-nana nuh-nuh ne
Nuh?
Huh?
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle
♪ Do do do-doo do
♪ Nuh-nuh-nmah nuh-nuh
♪ Uh-nuh-nuh-nuh mah-nuh-nuh
♪ Nuh-nuh-nuh na
nuh-ne-nuh nah nah
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle
♪ Do do do-doo do
♪ Mah-nuh-nuh na nuh-nuh
♪ Mah-nuh-nuh na nuh-nuh
♪ Mah-nah-nah-nah
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle
♪ Do do do-doo do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do do-do do
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪ Do doo be-do-do
♪ Be-do-do, be-do-do
be-do-do-doodle do do
(phone rings)
Hello? OK. Just a second.
It's for you.
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪
The question is, what
is a "Mahna Mahna"?
The question is, who cares?
Think about this, friends.
Hey, boss, Muppy and
I wanted to talk to you
about the act we're
doing on the show tonight.
Uh, Scooter, you're not doing
an act on the show tonight.
Oh, gee, my uncle who owns this
theater thought of this act, didn't he?
Tell us about the act you're
doing on the show tonight.
Oh, it's called "Simon Smith
and his Amazing Dancing Dog."
Yeah, I sing this song,
see, and Muppy here
does this cute, adorable,
sweet, sugary little dance.
Well, it sounds, says the frog,
displaying his artistic
judgment, sappy.
Gee, my uncle
thought it was... Uh...
it sounds, says the frog,
displaying his will
to survive, wonderful.
Yeah, it's great.
He'll love it. Certainly.
I've often thought of Muppy here
as about the cutest
little fellow around.
He thinks of
himself as a killer.
Let me outta here!
That dumb dog.
Whoa, I'm onstage.
Wow. (clears throat)
Now that I'm here, let
me take this opportunity
to present The Muppet
Show's resident artist -
Gonzo the Great!
(♪ fanfare)
Huh? Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
I will eat this rubber tire
to the music of "The
Flight of the Bumblebee."
Music, Maestro.
(♪ "The Flight of
the Bumblebee")
He's doing it.
He's eating a tire.
Amazing!
Astounding!
Boring.
(audience boos)
Looks like it's another
wipeout for Gonzo.
Ah, yokels!
What do they know
about art? (spits)
Hey, Kermit... Muppy wants you
to know he's very sorry he bit you.
Oh, yeah? He wants you
to know he's very grateful
you're letting him do the "Simon
Smith" number. Oh, well, that's nice.
He wants you to know he wants his
own dressing room and star billing.
What? Who is this crazy dog?
He's my uncle's favorite pet.
(slurps)
Yecch!
(door opens)
(applause)
Hello there, Miss Prowse.
Hey, listen, is everything OK?
Any complaints?
No, none whatsoever.
Except that I've never had to
share my dressing room before
with a man who eats a tire.
I told Gonzo to
dress in the alley.
Hey, listen, I gotta
go introduce you.
You look beautiful. Beautiful.
He's sweet. For a frog.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
lovely Miss Juliet Prowse.
(♪ "Solace" by Scott Joplin)
(applause)
She just vanished.
How did she do that?
Probably like this.
(takes deep breath)
Yep. That's probably
how she did it.
(♪ tea dance music)
You're such a smooth dancer.
Ever since we've started,
I feel like my feet have
never touched the floor.
They haven't. You've
been standing on mine.
Oops.
Do you prefer
Shakespeare to Bacon?
I prefer anything to bacon.
You mind if I
smoke? If you insist.
Thanks.
(coughing and choking)
Smoke's not bothering
you, is it? Manager!
(♪ melodramatic piano music)
At this time, I would like
to present my rendition
of one of the great
songs of our time.
That ever-popular classic,
"You and I and George."
"But why," you ask,
as well you should,
"have I never heard this
great song of our times?"
Fact is, nobody has ever
heard of this ever-popular classic.
In its only recording,
"You and I and
George" sold two copies.
I bought one, and
George bought one.
Where were you?
My own mother turns
down her hearing aid
when I sing this song.
♪ You and I and George
♪ Went strolling
♪ Through the park one day
♪ And then
♪ You held my hand
♪ As if to say
♪ I love you
♪ Then
♪ We passed a brook
♪ And George fell in
and drowned himself
♪ And floated out to sea
♪ Leaving you
♪ Alone
♪ With me ♪
You know, that number you
did was just beautiful, Juliet.
Well, thank you, Kermit.
You know, I'm really happy to be
here with you and all the Muppets.
You know something? I've
never talked to a frog before.
Well, we're just
like anyone else.
A little more jumpy, maybe.
But, you know, we have
our hopes and our dreams.
Oh, yeah? Well, what
are some of your dreams?
Well...
you may just think I'm
gilding the lily pad here,
but, as a tadpole, I always
wanted to be a dancer.
Oh. But you know
what they say...
the first thing to go
on a frog are his legs.
You know, that's what they say.
That's funny. I never knew
that frogs had a sense of humor.
Oh, well, we have to.
Listen, you meet a frog
without a sense of humor,
and you're looking
at a green lump.
Let's just face it, Julie.
Your average frog doesn't have a lot
going for him in the looks department.
Oh, I don't know.
I think you're quite attractive.
Really? Mm-hmm.
You're not just saying that
because you're a guest?
Well, certainly not.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that
you are the Robert Redford of frogs.
Oh. Wow.
Hey, listen, everybody.
Do you hear that?
Juliet Prowse thinks I'm
the Robert Redford of frogs.
Hey, you're gonna be
coming back on this show a lot.
Hey, listen, have you ever
kissed Robert Redford?
No, I haven't.
Well, how about...
(clears throat)
kissing the next best thing?
You mean to tell me that
Paul Newman is here?
I mean me, the Robert
Redford of frogdom.
Ah. My pleasure.
Whoo!
More! More!
Less! Less!
OK. Stand by for the Western
sketch. Hey, Kermit, Kermit.
(gruffly) Does this
sound like John Wayne?
Will you get onstage, Fozzie?
Hey, Kermit. Hmm?
Yeah, now that Muppy is doing
the big "Simon Smith" number,
well, he only has
one other suggestion.
Listen, I already gave him his own
dressing room. What more does he want?
Well, it's about the
title of the show. Look.
The Muppy Show?
(screams)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's cowboy time.
(♪ "Home on the Range")
I'd been playing saloon piano
in Snake City for three years.
It was the roughest
town in the West.
I mean, we had
some mean customers.
Howdy, Rowlf.
Uh... Hello, Miss Kitty.
I mean, they were tough.
After three years, I
thought I'd seen it all.
I'd seen the Clanton
brothers, the Younger brothers,
the James brothers.
Not to mention the
Osmond brothers.
But when Kid
Fozzie came to town,
I knew I hadn't seen nothing.
(gruffly) All right, everybody.
Reach for the floor.
Uh, beg pardon?
Reach for the floor.
This is a stickdown.
You're confused, Kid.
You ain't got no guns.
Those are pickles. (laughter)
That's right, folks.
There he is, the fastest
gherkin in the West.
He's got a license
to carry them pickles?
Hey, when you get shot
by a pickle at close range,
do you get garlic burns?
All right, you asked for it.
Sorry, Kid.
I didn't know the pickles were
loaded. Here's your money.
All right, Kid, don't make a move. I got
you covered. Throw down your pickles.
OK.
I don't need guns to fight you.
I'll get you with my knife.
Will you stop with
the vegetables?
Boy, you shouldn't
have done that.
I'm a desperate bear,
ready for desperate measures.
Oh, no! (woman screams)
It's an apple!
And don't tell me...
Yes. The fuse is lit.
The fuse is lit?
(coughing)
And that's how it was
the day Kid Fozzie
came into town.
That's one of the reasons
I always thought the
Muppets were weird.
Why's that?
They think explosions are funny.
Yes. Explosions aren't funny.
Although some of them
are really quite droll.
Juliet, what has
one eye, sharp teeth
and is long and fuzzy?
I don't know. I don't know,
either, but you're wearing it.
Hiya, toots.
(screams)
(screams)
Muppy, Scooter, you're on next.
It's no use, Kermit. What?
Muppy says if you won't change
the title of the show, he's not going on.
He's locked himself in his dressing
room, and he's not coming out.
Yeah, but the "Simon
Smith" number's on next.
I know, I know. What
are we gonna do?
Kermit? Kermit? Kermit?
How come I'm not doing
an act this week? Hmm?
Uh... congratulations, Fozzie.
You're doing an act this week.
Sometimes I can
be very persuasive.
Ladies and gentlemen,
"Simon Smith and his
Amazing Dancing... Bear."
(♪ "Simon Smith and his
Amazing Dancing Bear")
♪ I may go out tomorrow
♪ If I can borrow a coat to wear
♪ Oh, I'd step out in style
♪ With my sincere
smile and my dancing bear
♪ Outrageous, alarming
♪ Courageous, charming
♪ Oh, who would
think a boy and bear
♪ Could be
well-accepted everywhere?
♪ It's just amazing
how fair people can be
♪ Seen at the nicest places
♪ Where well-fed
faces all stop to stare
♪ Making the grandest entrances
♪ Simon Smith
and his dancing bear
♪ They'll love us
♪ Won't they?
♪ They feed us
♪ Don't they?
♪ Oh, who would
think a boy and bear
♪ Could be
well-accepted everywhere?
♪ It's just amazing
how fair people can be
♪ Oh, who needs money
♪ When we're funny?
♪ The great
attraction everywhere
♪ Will be Simon Smith
and his dancing bear
♪ It's Simon Smith and
his amazing dancing bear ♪
Together! Yes!
Oh, yes!
(applause)
Say, Waldorf, I was
wondering if maybe you...
(mouths)
Darn. I'd better get some new
batteries for my hearing aid.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I
fool him every time!
OK. Muppet Glee Club,
Muppet Glee Club
onstage, please.
Muppet Glee Club. OK. All right.
Everybody in
position, please. OK.
Everybody ready?
The Muppet Glee
Club. 1 and 2 and...
(silence)
Uh, uh...
Wait, wait, wait.
Something is amiss here.
I thought it was lovely.
You wave that stick wonderfully.
When it comes to stick
waving, Kermit wrote the book.
Well, thank you, thank you. I
do appreciate that kind comment,
but I would like to point
out to all assembled here
that this is a glee club.
Oh, yes, that is what
our letterhead says.
Yeah. So when I wave
this stick so wonderfully,
I would like to
hear something. Oh!
We were remiss in that regard.
OK. Here we go. One more
time. The Muppet Glee Club.
1 and 2 and...
(all sing different
tunes at once)
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold, hold, hold...
Hold it. Hold it. Hold
it. Hold it. Hold it. Stop.
How shall I say this?
Excuse me, friends,
but to my ears at least,
it would help a lot if
you were all singing...
the same song!
(hen) Oh, I love it!
So wild! The frog is a genius.
Awful cute, too.
It really doesn't matter
what song you sing,
as long as we all agree to the
song that we're going to sing.
OK. OK?
Now, does anybody
here have a favorite song?
(all) Yes!
Uh, w-what song is that?
(all) "Temptation"!
Since there seems to be
some consensus of opinion here,
the Muppet Glee Club will
now render "Temptation."
Piggy, honey? Hmm?
You can take the
solo. Yes, my love.
OK. Here we go. I love him.
The Muppet Glee
Club. "Temptation."
1 and 2 and...
♪ Dum da-da da, dum da-da da
♪ Dum da-da da, dum dum
♪ Dum da-da da, dum da-da da
♪ Dum da-da da, dum dum dum
♪ You came ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ I was alone ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ I should have known ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ You were temptation ♪
Dum dum dum da-da da dum
♪ You smiled ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ Luring me on ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ My heart was gone ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ You were temptation ♪
Dum dum dum da-da da dum
♪ It would be thrilling
♪ If you were willing
♪ If it can never be
♪ Pity me
♪ For you were ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ Born to be kissed ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ I can't resist ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ You are temptation ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ And I am yours ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ Here is my heart ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ Take it and say ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ We'll never part ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ I'm just a slave ♪
Da-da da dum da-da da dum
♪ Only a slave ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ To you ♪ Da-da
da dum da-da da dum
♪ Temptation ♪
Hey, Juliet, I want to tell
you what a pleasure it was
to have you with us on the show.
Oh, Kermit, I really enjoyed it.
And as a little token
of our appreciation,
we have a Muppet
likeness of you right here.
Oh, how sweet.
I know you'd rather
have the cash, but...
No, no, no, Kermit.
This is just wonderful.
Can I come home with you?
Well, of course you can.
She's not as pretty
as you, you know, but...
Oh, Kermit, thank you.
Ooh. Thank you.
And thank you
all for joining us.
We'll see you all next
time on The Muppet Show.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
Well, what did you think?
Beats sitting home
watching television.
♪ Mahna Mahna ♪
(bum note)