The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 22 - Ethel Merman - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show,

with our
very special guest star,

Miss Ethel Merman!

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, I went to a diet doctor,



and in just two months,
I lost $300.

What...?

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you...

Miss Ethel Merman!

♪ But now
let's get things started

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

(applause)

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.



Welcome, dear friends,
to another edition of The Muppet Show.

And we're very honored to have
as our special guest star

one of the true giants
of the Broadway musical stage -

Miss Ethel Merman.

Oh, Kermit, my love. Since
Ethel Merman is our guest,

as a tribute, I plan to sing
a medley of all her great hits.

Uh, Piggy, why would
anyone wanna hear you sing Miss Merman's songs

when Miss Merman is here
to sing them herself?

Well, since
I've rehearsed them,

why don't I just do 'em
and call it a tribute to Irving Berlin?

Piggy, will you
get outta here?

Out, out, out, out, out!

OK, having settled that,

let's kick off the show
with a little number we call "Java."

(squeaks)

(squeaks)

That song had a nice beat.

No, no, I don't
want to eat.

I said "beat."
"Beat," you old fool!

Why don't you turn up
your hearing aid?

There's gonna be a raid?
Well, let's get outta here!

I give up.

OK. Nice. Nice number,
you guys. Good opening.

Kermit, Kermit,
Kermit.

Hey, my agent is dropping by
a little later in the show.

OK, fine.
Yeah.

Hey, stand by
for the next number.

Everything's ready,
boss.

Good boy, Scooter.
That kid's doing a great job.

Hey, d-do you think you'll
have time to talk to him?

Of course. I always have
time to talk to Scooter. His uncle owns the theater.

No, no, no, no, no.
I mean my-my agent.

What does he own?

Ten percent of me.

OK, OK. What does he
want to talk about?

My contract.

Fozzie, you don't
have a contract.

That's what he wants
to talk about.

Will you get outta here?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen,

ordinarily, I just
introduce the guest star and get out of the way,

but tonight, I personally
get to participate.

You see, everybody
wanted to sing a duet with Ethel Merman,

and because she's introduced
so many Broadway hits,

we thought that some of us
could do a few of them

or a few of us
could do some of them.

Anyhow, I now take
great pleasure in introducing Miss Ethel Merman

and some of her songs
and some of us and me.

Better hurry.

Oh. Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Ethel Merman!

(♪ "Ethel Merman Medley")

♪ You're the top

♪ You're the Colosseum

♪ You're the top

♪ You're the Louvre Museum

♪ You're a melody
of a symphony by Strauss

♪ You're a Bendel bonnet,
a Shakespeare sonnet

♪ You're Mickey Mouse

Is that... is that
a compliment?

You called me a colosseum.

Sorry about that.

♪ If you're ever
in a jam

♪ Here I am

♪ If you're ever in a mess

♪ SOS

♪ If you ever feel so happy
you land in jail, I'm your bail

♪ It's friendship,
friendship

♪ Just a perfect blendship

♪ When other friendships
have been forgot

♪ Ours will still be hot

♪ La-da, la-da, la-da,
dig, dig, dig

♪ The night is young,
the skies are clear

♪ And if you want
to go walking, dear

♪ It's delightful,
it's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ I understand
the reason why

♪ You're sentimental,
'cause so am I

♪ It's delightful

♪ It's delicious

♪ It's de-lovely

♪ Wherever we go

♪ Whatever we do

♪ You're gonna
go through it together

♪ I hear singing,
and there's no one there

You would.

♪ Anything you can do,
I can do better

♪ I can do anything
better than you

♪ No, you can't
♪ Yes, I can

♪ No, you can't
♪ Yes, I can

♪ No, you can't

♪ Yes, I can, yes, I can

♪ Anything you can be,
I can be greater

♪ Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you

♪ No, you're not
♪ Yes, I am

♪ No, you're not
♪ Yes, I am

♪ No, you're not
♪ Yes, I am, yes, I am

♪ I could be a racer,
quite the steeplechaser

♪ I can jump a hurdle,
even with my girdle

♪ I can do most anything

♪ Can you bake a pie?

♪ No
♪ Neither can I

♪ Any note you can reach,
I can go higher

♪ I can sing anything
higher than you

♪ No, you can't
(higher) ♪ Yes, I can

♪ No, you can't
♪ Yes, I can

♪ No, you can't
♪ Yes, I can

♪ No, you can't!

(very high) ♪ Yes, I can!!

Oh, yes, you can.

♪ We belong to a mutual

♪ Admiration society

Miss Merman and me.

♪ We belong to a mutual

♪ Admiration society ♪

Yeah. Wonderful, wonderful!

I remember Ethel Merman
in the opening of Panama Hattie.

You're old enough
to remember Teddy Roosevelt

and the opening
of the Panama Canal.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
Remember I told you my agent was coming?

Yeah.
Well, he is here.

Where?
Uh, here.

He's a little short,
Kermit.

He certainly is.

He's very sensitive,
so no short jokes, OK?

OK. I'll try.
Just introduce us. OK.

Uh...

Kermit, this is
Irving Bizarre, my agent.

Eh, hiya, Kermit.
How you doing, sweetie?

This is an agent?
Where's your office, Irving, in your hat?

Ha-ha. Very funny.
Very funny.

Hey, who else
do you handle? Rich Little?

Tiny Tim?

I wouldn't handle you.
I'd get warts.

Warts? What kind
of talk is that? Will you get out?

Take this guy
and get outta here, Fozzie.

I don't think this negotiation
is going too well.

Hey, don't worry,
sweetie, Fozzie.

We got him
right where we want him.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Hilda.

Yes, Miss Merman.

I don't wish to complain,
but there's a mouse in my dressing room.

Oh, yes. We'll move her
tomorrow.

But for now,
it's the only place she has to change.

Change?

Yes. She sings in the band.

Is this a show or a zoo?

Hiya, honey.

It's a zoo.

Aah!

Perfect pitch.

You stupid thing.

What do you
take in your tea?

Oh, milk, two sugars,
one mouse...

One what?
Mouse.

Take a look.

♪ Oh, I may be
your dish of tea

♪ But, baby,
don't you sugar me

♪ Don't stir me, boy

♪ Or try to spoon

♪ Don't sugar me

♪ 'Cause us is throon

♪ Oh, I won't
sip a lip with you

♪ Less you want
a granulated lump or two

♪ Just roll them eyes

♪ Right out the door

♪ Them saucer eyes

♪ Ain't square no more

♪ Now all them things,
them diamond rings

♪ Them stuff you promised me

♪ Were figments, Newton

♪ Sure as shootin'

♪ Shootin' sure as A, B...

♪ See, the teapot spouts
that the kettle's blue

♪ It don't work out,
that spout is true

♪ Just boil away, boy

♪ Don't sit and brew

♪ Don't sugar me

♪ 'Cause us is through ♪

(cup breaks)

Well, Miss Merman,
I'm kind of at a loss for words.

I mean, for me, a frog,
to be sitting here with one of the greatest performers

ever to grace the American
musical stage. A legend...

Oh, relax, Kermit.
Relax.

And you can call me Ethel.
Huh?

But I'd like you
to take it easy on that "legend"

and "the greatest" stuff.

Sounds like a eulogy.

After all, I'm not quite
ready to go yet.

No, no, no, no, no.
I... I didn't mean it like that.

Well, I-I mean, I admit
that I've been around

for quite a while,

but there are some things
on this show

that are older than I.

Like Fozzie's jokes.

You're right there.

It just seems
that you've always been a part of the Broadway musical scene.

I remember the opening night
of Gypsy, you know?

Kermit, you were at
the opening night of Gypsy?

Sure.

Come to think of it,
I did hear some croaking in the audience.

(clears throat)

Excuse me,
Miss Merman.

I do not wish
to intrude,

but I too am
a singer of note.

What note?

Who knows?
It's always flat.

Watch it,
flipper face.

As a sister singer,
I gratefully admire your talent,

and so I would like
to propose a toast in your honor.

Oh, how nice of you,
Miss Piggy. Mm-hmm.

To Ethel Merman,

a great woman
and a great singer

whom we can all
learn something from.

Got any tips?

All that for one free
singing lesson? Well...

Now look, Miss Piggy.
Let's face it.

You either got it,
or you ain't. Mm-hmm.

And all the singing lessons
in the world

ain't gonna help you
if you ain't got it.

Now let's hear you hit that
high note of yours again.

(clears throat)

♪ Ah

Well, it shows promise.

See, Kermit?

But it... it's a bit subtle.

Now, this is the way
I would do it.

♪ Ah

Did you also make
some recordings

as an air-raid siren
during the war?

Kermit.

Wah!

Ah, she and Kermit
make a nice pair.

Well, she certainly
is a peach.

We on The Muppet Show
are very interested in puppets,

for some strange reason.

Anyway, tonight,
we're really delighted to have with us

a man who produces
the world's funniest shadows.

Here he is from Australia,

our guest puppeteer -
Mr. Richard Bradshaw!

(light background music)

More! More!

Hey, wait.
Look, there is more.

Oh, good grief.
They heard me.

Hey, come on, Kermit.
The kid's worth twice the price.

Yeah, well,
I don't know...

Oh, Kermit, my love. My...

What is that?

Well, this is
Fozzie's agent, Irving Bizarre.

We're negotiating
a contract.

Hey, how you doing,
baby, kiddo, sweetheart?

Not bad-looking for a pig.
Want me to handle you?

I already have an agent,
short stuff.

I don't wanna be your agent.
I just wanna handle you.

(lecherous laugh)

Well, handle this.
Hiiii-yah!

Right now, it's time
to present a comic who, even as I speak,

is in danger of
negotiating himself right out of work.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the funniest bear since Maxie, Mr. Fozzie Bear!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, I get a feeling
you're a great bunch,

not like the audience
we had last week.

They weren't an audience,
they were a jury. Ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha.

The bear's funny, huh?
He's... he's my cousin.

Wanna leave
a wake-up call?

Uh, if you don't mind, cousin,
I will do the jokes.

Let him roll.
He's funnier than you.

Will you guys
hold it down up there?

Uh, you don't want them
interrupting my act, right?

No. I don't want 'em
interrupting our sleep.

Hey, bring on
the comic!

I am the comic.

Then bring on
the girls!

This is not
that kind of show.

Then bring on
the girl comic!

Now listen, I am
not gonna be heckled

by some clown who just
came off the street.

I-I'm a pro, buddy.
A real pro.

Look. OK, I tell you what.

Everybody, I am
gonna turn my back,

and when I
turn around again,

I only wanna see
real Fozzie Bear fans in the audience.

OK? Here we go.

OK. I'm gonna turn around...

now!

Even my cousin?

Ohh! It's a cruel world.

Hey, hey. How come you two guys
are still there, huh?

Did you lose your beds
at the old fools' home?

Ah, it's too late.

All right, Kermit,
my client won't work

unless you give him
twice as much money.

Uh, yeah. I just saw
how he handled that audience.

But to show you
what a good guy I am,

I'll give him
three times as much.

We won't settle for less
than four times as much.

Uh, how about
a compromise?

Five times
as much money.

Six times as much.

Don't push it, Irv.

Uh, seven times as much.
Eight times.

This is
my final offer.

Ten times as much
as he's making now.

You got a deal.
Good.

Oh, Irv! Irv!

Congratulations, kid.

You're making
ten times as much money.

Yeah, yeah, and I...
and I used to make nothing!

Right. And...
and ten times nothing is...

Nothing.

Yeah, right.

And don't forget, I get
ten percent of that.

You're worth
every penny, Irv.

Could you give me
a hand down, kid?

Hey, Fozzie.

Yeah.

Listen, Fozzie,
don't be discouraged.

Even if you don't make
a lot of money,

you're doing
what you love to do.

Just look around you.

The costumes, the scenery,
the makeup, the props.

(♪ "There's No Business
Like Show Business" by Irving Berlin)

♪ The audience that
lifts you when you're down

♪ The headaches,
the heartaches,

♪ The backaches, the flops

♪ The sheriff
who escorts you out of town

♪ The opening when
your heart beats like a drum

♪ The closing

♪ When the customers
don't come

I've said this before.

♪ But there's no business

♪ Like show business

♪ Like no business I know

♪ Everything about it
is appealing

♪ Everything
the traffic will allow

♪ Nowhere could you get
that happy feeling

♪ When you are stealing

♪ That extra bow

♪ There's no people

♪ Like show people

♪ They smile

♪ When they are low

♪ Yesterday they told you
you would not go far

♪ That night you open

♪ And there you are

♪ Next day,
on your dressing room

♪ They've hung a star

♪ Let's go

♪ On with our show

♪ There's no business
like show business

♪ Like no business I know

♪ Everything about it
is appealing

♪ Everything
the traffic will allow

♪ Nowhere could you get
that happy feeling

♪ When you are stealing

♪ That extra bow

♪ There's no people
like show people

♪ They smile when they are low

♪ Even with a turkey
that you know will fold

♪ You may be stranded
out in the cold

♪ But still,
you wouldn't change it

♪ For a sack of gold

♪ Let's go on with our show

♪ Let's go

♪ On with our

♪ Show ♪

Well, another half-hour
has flown by,

made most enjoyable
by our very special guest star - Miss Ethel Merman!

Oh, thank you, Kermit.

This has been
the most fun I've had in a long, long time.

You know, you really don't
have to be crazy to do this show,

but it helps.

Miss Merman,
from all of us to you.

Oh, how kind of you,
Miss Piggy.

They won't explode,
will they?

No, no, of course not.
Real roses for a real lady.

Thank you for joining us,
and you, too, out there.

We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

I wonder why I'm so itchy.

Maybe the show's starting
to get under your skin.

(bum note)