The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 23 - Kaye Ballard - full transcript
It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest star,
Miss Kaye Ballard.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, have you heard the one
about this very fat pig?
Have you heard the one
about this very flat bear?
Hii-yah!
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Miss Kaye Ballard.
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
Not bad.
Whoop!
(rimshot)
Thank you, thank you,
and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.
And our special guest star
tonight is one of the funniest ladies in the business
and one of the nicest -
Miss Kaye Ballard.
So we think it's gonna be
a great show tonight,
and if you stick around,
we think you'll agree.
But right now,
let's get things moving on The Muppet Show.
1, 2, 3.
♪ In the summertime
when all the trees and leaves are green
♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
♪ "Some other time,"
that's what you say when I want you
♪ Then you laugh at me
and make me cry
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
(both) ♪ You don't seem
to care a thing about me
♪ You'd rather live without me
than to have my arms around you
♪ When the nights are cold
and you're so all alone
♪ Ging gong de-gong gong ging
ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding dong
(both) ♪ In the summertime
when all the trees and leaves are green
♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue
♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love
♪ Ner near nare deedle deedle
near-nor near-nor near-nor
♪ Deedle deedle deedle-no
near-nor near-nor...
♪ Ring a-ding a-ding
ba ding bam bing bang bing
♪ Duddle deedle doddle
ding-dong...
♪ Ner near nare...
♪ Dong dor dorn...
(all scatting)
♪ Once upon a time
you used to smile and wave to me
♪ And walk with me
but now you don't
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
♪ Some other guy's
takin' up all your time
♪ Now you don't
have time for me
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
(both) ♪ You don't seem
to care a thing about me
♪ You'd rather live without me
than to have my arms around you
♪ When the nights are cold
and you're so all alone
♪ Ghee a-ghee a-goh gh-ghee
ghee gh-gh-gh-ghee
(both) ♪ In the summertime
when all the trees and leaves are green
♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
♪ Der dear dare deedle deedle
dear dear-dor deern
♪ Diddle diddle near-nor
near near near...
♪ Ring a-ding a-ding a-dang
ba ding bang bing bong
♪ Deedle deedle
dang bang bong
♪ Ding-dong...
♪ Bom bom bom bom
♪ Bong-bong bang-bong
ghee-bong ghee bong-ghee...
♪ N-N-N-Nor nor-nor nare
near near
♪ Deedle-deedle deedle-deedle
deedle-deedle dear...
♪ Ba-da ba-ding bong
bing-bong bong ding ding...
♪ Diddle little
little-loo diddle-loo ♪
(applause)
Encore! Encore!
Not so loud.
They may hear you.
Hey, Kermit,
so long, man.
Hey, but, Floyd,
the show is on.
You should be
in the orchestra pit.
Sorry, man. I'm ankling.
Ankling?
Yeah, ankling.
You know, leaving. I've come to the coda.
I'm using the door
marked "Exit."
Like a banana
in the presence of ice cream,
I intend to split.
But, Floyd,
you can't just leave us.
Listen, Kermit,
you're a nice little dude
in your own amphibian way,
but I just can't
take it anymore.
But what's the matter?
It's the theme song.
The theme?
Kermit, you are talking
to Floyd Pepper, the hippest of the hip.
I mean,
I have a room for life
at the Home
for the Chronically Groovy.
And every week I have to
come in here and play...
♪ Dunh dunh dunh
dunh da-dunh dunh
♪ Dunh dunh dunh
dunh da-da ♪
Nice.
It's embarrassingly square...
Oh.
...and I don't play square.
Yeah, but, Floyd, none
of the other musicians have complained.
Drag city.
Yeah, we're gonna beat feet.
Hey, Animal,
you like the theme, don't you?
Yeah, yeah!
No, no.
No, no.
Uncopacetic.
Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd.
What about Kaye Ballard's big number?
Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute. The dude's right.
Yeah, we can't walk out
on Kaye Ballard's number.
Good.
We'll walk out
after Kaye Ballard's number.
Phew. A stay of execution.
I must remember
to thank the warden.
Whoop.
(drum flourish)
Right now, gang,
it's time to meet a star
who knows her way
around a song
like I know my way
around a lily pad -
Miss Kaye Ballard.
Whoop! (rimshot)
(♪ "Oh Babe,
What Would You Say?" by ES Smith)
♪ Have I a hope
or half a chance
♪ To even ask
if I could dance with you?
Yoo-hoo.
♪ Would you greet me
or politely turn away?
Aw, Kaye.
♪ Would there suddenly
be sunshine
♪ On a cold and rainy day?
♪ Oh, babe
♪ What would you say?
♪ Well, there you are,
sweet lollipop
♪ Yes, here I am
with such a lot to say
(mouths)
Hey, hey.
♪ Just to walk with you
along the Milky Way
♪ To caress you
through the nighttime
♪ Bring you flowers every day
♪ Oh, babe
♪ What would you say?
I'm so sorry.
(both)
♪ Yes, oh, baby, I know
♪ I know
I could be so in love
♪ With you
♪ And I know that I could
make you love me, too
♪ And if I could only
hear you say you do
♪ But anyway
♪ What would you say?
♪ And I know that I could
make you love me, too
♪ And if I could only
hear you say you do
♪ But anyway
♪ What would you say?
♪ What would you say?
♪ What would you say? ♪
I could watch Kaye Ballard
all night.
Mm. I tried it once,
but she pulled the shade down.
(laughs)
You dirty old man.
OK, green stuff,
me and the guys stayed
through the Kaye Ballard number,
and now, before it's time
for that awful theme song, we're leaving.
But wait a minute.
Hey, Kaye's got another number.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe
we'll stay for that.
Oh, good.
Listen, I'm asking you,
just stay through
to the end of the show so you can play the theme.
That does it.
We're leaving.
But wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Listen, if you do it,
next week we'll have a new theme.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe
we'll stay, then.
Good, because
your noble conductor Nigel here,
has offered
to write a new theme.
We're leaving.
But why?
He wrote
the first one, man.
Hey, but, guys, come on!
Please. Listen.
I always thought it was
kind of a hip tune.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline -
Boston, Massachusetts.
Mrs. Gretchen Powers
of that city
is trying to enter
the Guinness Book of Records
by completing
the world's longest sentence.
She began talking six weeks ago,
and neighbors say
she hasn't stopped since.
Our Muppet cameras
are in her home now. Mrs. Powers?
...and the dog fell
over the nose of the tree
went into
the spaghetti factory
while six million men
marched in their foghorns under a double-decker bus
whose onion soup spoke of...
Mrs. Powers,
if we could interrupt for a moment.
"...but for the grace
of the noodle pie go I," said the spokesman for the group,
who wore
a turtleneck convertible as the rain fell...
The sentence you're saying
is long, but I'm missing the point of it.
...in what was said
not the fault of the blueberry bush,
but instead when
the investigators arrived at the corset factory...
Mrs. Powers' husband Carl
said it makes about as much sense
as anything she's said.
He said this from his home
at the Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed.
...in the third row
of the balcony,
because that
is the way it is,
you cannot believe
what goes on...
(♪ tea dance music)
My family has quite a history.
You can find a record of them
in the 17th century.
So has my family.
You can find a record of them
in the 19th precinct.
George, why is it
that everything we discuss
you reduce to the level
of the gutter?
I just want to make
you feel comfortable.
(laughs)
(screeching voice)
So I said to him,
"What kind of a girl
do you think I am?"
I told him I never wanted
to see him again. Never, never, never.
Do you think I did
the right thing, Herman?
I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
Oh.
Il canto... E l'amore...
Ma il bambino.
Is that Italian?
No, it's pig Latin.
(screams with laughter)
Pig Latin!
Do you get it?
(♪ "Life Gets Teejus,
Don't It?" by C Robison)
♪ Well, the sun comes up
and the sun goes down
♪ The hands on the clock
keep movin' around
♪ I just get up
and it's time to sit down
♪ Life gets teejus, don't it?
♪ My shoe's untied
but, oh, I don't care
♪ I ain't figurin'
on goin' nowhere
♪ Oh, I'd just have to
wash and comb my hair
♪ And that's just wasted effort
(gnawing)
♪ Mouse is chewin'
on the pantry door
♪ He's been at it
for a month or more
♪ When he gets through
he'll sure be sore
♪ 'Cause there ain't
a durn thing in there
♪ Tin roof leaks
and the chimney leans
♪ There's a hole in the seat
of my old blue jeans
♪ And I've et up the last
of the pork 'n beans
♪ Just can't depend
on nothin'
(howls)
♪ Hound dawg howlin'
so forlorn
♪ He's the laziest dawg
that ever was born
♪ He's howlin'
'cause he's a-sittin' on a thorn
♪ And he's just too tired
to move over
♪ Sun comes up
and the sun goes down
♪ Hands on the clock
keep movin' around
♪ I just get up
♪ And it's time to lay down
♪ Life gets teejus,
don't it? ♪
How you doin',
puddin'head?
Hey, Kaye, I hope
you're enjoying yourself.
Yes. I'm loving it.
Everything is just great, Kermit.
Good. Well, we are having
some trouble here.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the band
is threatening to quit. Oh!
To tell you the truth, Kaye,
sometimes I don't think I understand musicians.
Well, I'll tell you what,
Kermit.
You know,
maybe I can help
because I'm a bit
of a musician myself.
Kaye, if you could
help smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it.
Well, I'd like to try.
Animal! Come here.
I'd like to talk to you a minute.
(grunting and growling)
Now listen,
why are you guys
so unhappy?
(growling)
No kidding?
♪ Da da da da
da da da
♪ Da da da da
da da... ♪ Bleah.
Oh, well,
you've got a point. You have a point.
I'm willing to say
you have a point.
Kermit...
Yeah?
Animal feels
a deep-seated hostility...
Am I right so far?
(growls) Deep seated.
...in what he interprets
as a demeaning situation.
Right?
(growls) Demeaning.
Gee, Kaye, you do understand
musicians, don't you?
Well, I try.
I'll try to fix it.
Animal?
Yeah?
I have been giving it
serious consideration, and I honestly...
Personally,
I don't think that...
♪ Da da da da
da-da da
(Kermit and Kaye)
♪ Da da da da-da da da
♪ Da da da da da-da
da-da-da da-da da-da
I think it's good.
♪ Da da da da
da-da da ♪
Aah!
Animal! Animal! Animal!
Please control yourself.
Wait a minute.
You've got to understand that I am just visiting here.
Now, I really feel
you should discuss this further with Kermit...
I don't think we need
to actually discuss... Discuss! Aah!
(grunting and growling,
blows landing)
(panting)
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
How are you
at notifying next of kin?
Well, just...
Just tell me
the area code.
Hi.
Howdy.
I'd like a haircut.
Sure. I can believe that.
Cut it real short.
My rock group just broke up,
and I'm sick of it.
Check.
Cut it short back,
sides, front, top, bottom and middle.
All righty.
You know, I have the feeling
this is a running gag.
Yes, but it's the audience
that should be doing the running.
Boy, you sure are slow.
Yeah.
All in due time.
By the way, who cuts
your hair - the gardener?
(sniffs)
Well, there you go, sir. That'll be $3.
Ah-Ah-Ahchoo!
(screech)
Oh, rats. I think
I've just lost a customer.
OK. Thank you, George.
You don't mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh?
Great. Appreciate it.
Hey, my friendly froggy
little flipper friend. Yeah?
Me and the gang have decided
not to end our gig here.
Oh, good.
If...
Uh-huh. If what?
If I can write
the new theme song.
Oh, that'll be fine
with me.
No, it won't, man.
Why not?
You'll hate my music.
You won't understand it.
Wait. Now listen here.
I'm pretty hip, too, you know.
Not hip enough.
Nobody understands my music.
I mean,
I don't even understand it. You don't?
If I didn't know
I was a genius,
I wouldn't listen
to the trash I write.
Gee, I can hardly wait
to hear it.
I gotta get myself together.
Hello. I am Vendaface,
the world's first
fully automated face-lift machine.
Just insert coin
in the slot,
step up to the machine
and within moments
your face-lift
will be complete.
Oh, yes! I'll do it,
I'll do it!
(inserts coin)
Now for phase one.
(creaking noises)
(sucking)
Now for phase two.
Oh! I love it!
I love it!
(inserts coins)
Now for phase one.
(creaking noises)
(sucking)
Now for phase two.
(screaming)
Next.
OK, everybody ready?
OK. So you've written
a new theme song, huh?
Right. Right.
If you like it, we stay.
If you don't,
it's "Auld Lang Syne" time.
I am sure
I will love it. Go.
It's called
"Fugue for Frog."
See? I already love
that part.
Good, 'cause you'll hate
the rest.
Hit it!
(♪ discordant jazz)
♪ Mup-Mup-Mup-pet Show ♪
That was the worst!
And besides that,
how are you gonna
play Kaye Ballard's closing number
from back here?
Like always. Loudly.
Frog has no musical taste.
Once again,
Miss Kaye Ballard.
(♪ "One Note Samba"
by AC Jobim)
♪ This is just a little samba
♪ Built upon a single note
♪ Other notes
are bound to follow
♪ But the root
is still that note
♪ Now the new one
is the consequence
♪ Of the one
we've just been through
♪ As I'm bound
to be the unavoidable
♪ Consequence of you
♪ There's so many people
who can talk and talk and talk
♪ And just say nothing
or nearly nothing
♪ You have used up
all the scale you know
♪ And at the end
you've come to nothing
♪ Or nearly nothing
♪ So I come back
to my first note
♪ As I must come back to you
♪ I will pour
into that one note
♪ All the love I feel for you
♪ Anyone who wants
the whole show
♪ Re mi fa so la ti do
♪ She will find herself
with no show
♪ Better play the note
you know ♪
(applause)
Well, that's about
all the time we have. Hey, Kermit.
Me and the band
want Miss Ballard to sign this petition
about the theme song
of the show.
Will you guys
get out of here?
OK. We're ankling.
Come on. Out, out, out!
Yeah, ankling!
Well, having settled that,
I'd like a warm thank-you
to our special guest star
Miss Kaye Ballard. Yay!
Kermit, thank you.
I love you. I really do.
I love all of you.
Wait a minute,
I take that back. There's one exception.
I'm not too sure
about Miss Piggy
because I think
she's very hoggy.
Hoggy? Hoggy this!
Hii-yah!
Ow!
We'll see you all
next time
on The Muppet Show!
(♪ piano solo
of "The Muppet Show" theme)
Well, you must admit,
Nigel,
this does sound
a little square.
Play, hound, play.
with our special guest star,
Miss Kaye Ballard.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, have you heard the one
about this very fat pig?
Have you heard the one
about this very flat bear?
Hii-yah!
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Miss Kaye Ballard.
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
Not bad.
Whoop!
(rimshot)
Thank you, thank you,
and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.
And our special guest star
tonight is one of the funniest ladies in the business
and one of the nicest -
Miss Kaye Ballard.
So we think it's gonna be
a great show tonight,
and if you stick around,
we think you'll agree.
But right now,
let's get things moving on The Muppet Show.
1, 2, 3.
♪ In the summertime
when all the trees and leaves are green
♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
♪ "Some other time,"
that's what you say when I want you
♪ Then you laugh at me
and make me cry
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
(both) ♪ You don't seem
to care a thing about me
♪ You'd rather live without me
than to have my arms around you
♪ When the nights are cold
and you're so all alone
♪ Ging gong de-gong gong ging
ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding dong
(both) ♪ In the summertime
when all the trees and leaves are green
♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue
♪ 'Cause you don't want
my love
♪ Ner near nare deedle deedle
near-nor near-nor near-nor
♪ Deedle deedle deedle-no
near-nor near-nor...
♪ Ring a-ding a-ding
ba ding bam bing bang bing
♪ Duddle deedle doddle
ding-dong...
♪ Ner near nare...
♪ Dong dor dorn...
(all scatting)
♪ Once upon a time
you used to smile and wave to me
♪ And walk with me
but now you don't
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
♪ Some other guy's
takin' up all your time
♪ Now you don't
have time for me
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
(both) ♪ You don't seem
to care a thing about me
♪ You'd rather live without me
than to have my arms around you
♪ When the nights are cold
and you're so all alone
♪ Ghee a-ghee a-goh gh-ghee
ghee gh-gh-gh-ghee
(both) ♪ In the summertime
when all the trees and leaves are green
♪ And the redbird sings
I'll be blue
♪ 'Cause you don't
want my love
♪ Der dear dare deedle deedle
dear dear-dor deern
♪ Diddle diddle near-nor
near near near...
♪ Ring a-ding a-ding a-dang
ba ding bang bing bong
♪ Deedle deedle
dang bang bong
♪ Ding-dong...
♪ Bom bom bom bom
♪ Bong-bong bang-bong
ghee-bong ghee bong-ghee...
♪ N-N-N-Nor nor-nor nare
near near
♪ Deedle-deedle deedle-deedle
deedle-deedle dear...
♪ Ba-da ba-ding bong
bing-bong bong ding ding...
♪ Diddle little
little-loo diddle-loo ♪
(applause)
Encore! Encore!
Not so loud.
They may hear you.
Hey, Kermit,
so long, man.
Hey, but, Floyd,
the show is on.
You should be
in the orchestra pit.
Sorry, man. I'm ankling.
Ankling?
Yeah, ankling.
You know, leaving. I've come to the coda.
I'm using the door
marked "Exit."
Like a banana
in the presence of ice cream,
I intend to split.
But, Floyd,
you can't just leave us.
Listen, Kermit,
you're a nice little dude
in your own amphibian way,
but I just can't
take it anymore.
But what's the matter?
It's the theme song.
The theme?
Kermit, you are talking
to Floyd Pepper, the hippest of the hip.
I mean,
I have a room for life
at the Home
for the Chronically Groovy.
And every week I have to
come in here and play...
♪ Dunh dunh dunh
dunh da-dunh dunh
♪ Dunh dunh dunh
dunh da-da ♪
Nice.
It's embarrassingly square...
Oh.
...and I don't play square.
Yeah, but, Floyd, none
of the other musicians have complained.
Drag city.
Yeah, we're gonna beat feet.
Hey, Animal,
you like the theme, don't you?
Yeah, yeah!
No, no.
No, no.
Uncopacetic.
Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd.
What about Kaye Ballard's big number?
Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute. The dude's right.
Yeah, we can't walk out
on Kaye Ballard's number.
Good.
We'll walk out
after Kaye Ballard's number.
Phew. A stay of execution.
I must remember
to thank the warden.
Whoop.
(drum flourish)
Right now, gang,
it's time to meet a star
who knows her way
around a song
like I know my way
around a lily pad -
Miss Kaye Ballard.
Whoop! (rimshot)
(♪ "Oh Babe,
What Would You Say?" by ES Smith)
♪ Have I a hope
or half a chance
♪ To even ask
if I could dance with you?
Yoo-hoo.
♪ Would you greet me
or politely turn away?
Aw, Kaye.
♪ Would there suddenly
be sunshine
♪ On a cold and rainy day?
♪ Oh, babe
♪ What would you say?
♪ Well, there you are,
sweet lollipop
♪ Yes, here I am
with such a lot to say
(mouths)
Hey, hey.
♪ Just to walk with you
along the Milky Way
♪ To caress you
through the nighttime
♪ Bring you flowers every day
♪ Oh, babe
♪ What would you say?
I'm so sorry.
(both)
♪ Yes, oh, baby, I know
♪ I know
I could be so in love
♪ With you
♪ And I know that I could
make you love me, too
♪ And if I could only
hear you say you do
♪ But anyway
♪ What would you say?
♪ And I know that I could
make you love me, too
♪ And if I could only
hear you say you do
♪ But anyway
♪ What would you say?
♪ What would you say?
♪ What would you say? ♪
I could watch Kaye Ballard
all night.
Mm. I tried it once,
but she pulled the shade down.
(laughs)
You dirty old man.
OK, green stuff,
me and the guys stayed
through the Kaye Ballard number,
and now, before it's time
for that awful theme song, we're leaving.
But wait a minute.
Hey, Kaye's got another number.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe
we'll stay for that.
Oh, good.
Listen, I'm asking you,
just stay through
to the end of the show so you can play the theme.
That does it.
We're leaving.
But wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Listen, if you do it,
next week we'll have a new theme.
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe
we'll stay, then.
Good, because
your noble conductor Nigel here,
has offered
to write a new theme.
We're leaving.
But why?
He wrote
the first one, man.
Hey, but, guys, come on!
Please. Listen.
I always thought it was
kind of a hip tune.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline -
Boston, Massachusetts.
Mrs. Gretchen Powers
of that city
is trying to enter
the Guinness Book of Records
by completing
the world's longest sentence.
She began talking six weeks ago,
and neighbors say
she hasn't stopped since.
Our Muppet cameras
are in her home now. Mrs. Powers?
...and the dog fell
over the nose of the tree
went into
the spaghetti factory
while six million men
marched in their foghorns under a double-decker bus
whose onion soup spoke of...
Mrs. Powers,
if we could interrupt for a moment.
"...but for the grace
of the noodle pie go I," said the spokesman for the group,
who wore
a turtleneck convertible as the rain fell...
The sentence you're saying
is long, but I'm missing the point of it.
...in what was said
not the fault of the blueberry bush,
but instead when
the investigators arrived at the corset factory...
Mrs. Powers' husband Carl
said it makes about as much sense
as anything she's said.
He said this from his home
at the Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed.
...in the third row
of the balcony,
because that
is the way it is,
you cannot believe
what goes on...
(♪ tea dance music)
My family has quite a history.
You can find a record of them
in the 17th century.
So has my family.
You can find a record of them
in the 19th precinct.
George, why is it
that everything we discuss
you reduce to the level
of the gutter?
I just want to make
you feel comfortable.
(laughs)
(screeching voice)
So I said to him,
"What kind of a girl
do you think I am?"
I told him I never wanted
to see him again. Never, never, never.
Do you think I did
the right thing, Herman?
I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
Oh.
Il canto... E l'amore...
Ma il bambino.
Is that Italian?
No, it's pig Latin.
(screams with laughter)
Pig Latin!
Do you get it?
(♪ "Life Gets Teejus,
Don't It?" by C Robison)
♪ Well, the sun comes up
and the sun goes down
♪ The hands on the clock
keep movin' around
♪ I just get up
and it's time to sit down
♪ Life gets teejus, don't it?
♪ My shoe's untied
but, oh, I don't care
♪ I ain't figurin'
on goin' nowhere
♪ Oh, I'd just have to
wash and comb my hair
♪ And that's just wasted effort
(gnawing)
♪ Mouse is chewin'
on the pantry door
♪ He's been at it
for a month or more
♪ When he gets through
he'll sure be sore
♪ 'Cause there ain't
a durn thing in there
♪ Tin roof leaks
and the chimney leans
♪ There's a hole in the seat
of my old blue jeans
♪ And I've et up the last
of the pork 'n beans
♪ Just can't depend
on nothin'
(howls)
♪ Hound dawg howlin'
so forlorn
♪ He's the laziest dawg
that ever was born
♪ He's howlin'
'cause he's a-sittin' on a thorn
♪ And he's just too tired
to move over
♪ Sun comes up
and the sun goes down
♪ Hands on the clock
keep movin' around
♪ I just get up
♪ And it's time to lay down
♪ Life gets teejus,
don't it? ♪
How you doin',
puddin'head?
Hey, Kaye, I hope
you're enjoying yourself.
Yes. I'm loving it.
Everything is just great, Kermit.
Good. Well, we are having
some trouble here.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the band
is threatening to quit. Oh!
To tell you the truth, Kaye,
sometimes I don't think I understand musicians.
Well, I'll tell you what,
Kermit.
You know,
maybe I can help
because I'm a bit
of a musician myself.
Kaye, if you could
help smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it.
Well, I'd like to try.
Animal! Come here.
I'd like to talk to you a minute.
(grunting and growling)
Now listen,
why are you guys
so unhappy?
(growling)
No kidding?
♪ Da da da da
da da da
♪ Da da da da
da da... ♪ Bleah.
Oh, well,
you've got a point. You have a point.
I'm willing to say
you have a point.
Kermit...
Yeah?
Animal feels
a deep-seated hostility...
Am I right so far?
(growls) Deep seated.
...in what he interprets
as a demeaning situation.
Right?
(growls) Demeaning.
Gee, Kaye, you do understand
musicians, don't you?
Well, I try.
I'll try to fix it.
Animal?
Yeah?
I have been giving it
serious consideration, and I honestly...
Personally,
I don't think that...
♪ Da da da da
da-da da
(Kermit and Kaye)
♪ Da da da da-da da da
♪ Da da da da da-da
da-da-da da-da da-da
I think it's good.
♪ Da da da da
da-da da ♪
Aah!
Animal! Animal! Animal!
Please control yourself.
Wait a minute.
You've got to understand that I am just visiting here.
Now, I really feel
you should discuss this further with Kermit...
I don't think we need
to actually discuss... Discuss! Aah!
(grunting and growling,
blows landing)
(panting)
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
How are you
at notifying next of kin?
Well, just...
Just tell me
the area code.
Hi.
Howdy.
I'd like a haircut.
Sure. I can believe that.
Cut it real short.
My rock group just broke up,
and I'm sick of it.
Check.
Cut it short back,
sides, front, top, bottom and middle.
All righty.
You know, I have the feeling
this is a running gag.
Yes, but it's the audience
that should be doing the running.
Boy, you sure are slow.
Yeah.
All in due time.
By the way, who cuts
your hair - the gardener?
(sniffs)
Well, there you go, sir. That'll be $3.
Ah-Ah-Ahchoo!
(screech)
Oh, rats. I think
I've just lost a customer.
OK. Thank you, George.
You don't mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh?
Great. Appreciate it.
Hey, my friendly froggy
little flipper friend. Yeah?
Me and the gang have decided
not to end our gig here.
Oh, good.
If...
Uh-huh. If what?
If I can write
the new theme song.
Oh, that'll be fine
with me.
No, it won't, man.
Why not?
You'll hate my music.
You won't understand it.
Wait. Now listen here.
I'm pretty hip, too, you know.
Not hip enough.
Nobody understands my music.
I mean,
I don't even understand it. You don't?
If I didn't know
I was a genius,
I wouldn't listen
to the trash I write.
Gee, I can hardly wait
to hear it.
I gotta get myself together.
Hello. I am Vendaface,
the world's first
fully automated face-lift machine.
Just insert coin
in the slot,
step up to the machine
and within moments
your face-lift
will be complete.
Oh, yes! I'll do it,
I'll do it!
(inserts coin)
Now for phase one.
(creaking noises)
(sucking)
Now for phase two.
Oh! I love it!
I love it!
(inserts coins)
Now for phase one.
(creaking noises)
(sucking)
Now for phase two.
(screaming)
Next.
OK, everybody ready?
OK. So you've written
a new theme song, huh?
Right. Right.
If you like it, we stay.
If you don't,
it's "Auld Lang Syne" time.
I am sure
I will love it. Go.
It's called
"Fugue for Frog."
See? I already love
that part.
Good, 'cause you'll hate
the rest.
Hit it!
(♪ discordant jazz)
♪ Mup-Mup-Mup-pet Show ♪
That was the worst!
And besides that,
how are you gonna
play Kaye Ballard's closing number
from back here?
Like always. Loudly.
Frog has no musical taste.
Once again,
Miss Kaye Ballard.
(♪ "One Note Samba"
by AC Jobim)
♪ This is just a little samba
♪ Built upon a single note
♪ Other notes
are bound to follow
♪ But the root
is still that note
♪ Now the new one
is the consequence
♪ Of the one
we've just been through
♪ As I'm bound
to be the unavoidable
♪ Consequence of you
♪ There's so many people
who can talk and talk and talk
♪ And just say nothing
or nearly nothing
♪ You have used up
all the scale you know
♪ And at the end
you've come to nothing
♪ Or nearly nothing
♪ So I come back
to my first note
♪ As I must come back to you
♪ I will pour
into that one note
♪ All the love I feel for you
♪ Anyone who wants
the whole show
♪ Re mi fa so la ti do
♪ She will find herself
with no show
♪ Better play the note
you know ♪
(applause)
Well, that's about
all the time we have. Hey, Kermit.
Me and the band
want Miss Ballard to sign this petition
about the theme song
of the show.
Will you guys
get out of here?
OK. We're ankling.
Come on. Out, out, out!
Yeah, ankling!
Well, having settled that,
I'd like a warm thank-you
to our special guest star
Miss Kaye Ballard. Yay!
Kermit, thank you.
I love you. I really do.
I love all of you.
Wait a minute,
I take that back. There's one exception.
I'm not too sure
about Miss Piggy
because I think
she's very hoggy.
Hoggy? Hoggy this!
Hii-yah!
Ow!
We'll see you all
next time
on The Muppet Show!
(♪ piano solo
of "The Muppet Show" theme)
Well, you must admit,
Nigel,
this does sound
a little square.
Play, hound, play.