The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 21 - Twiggy - full transcript
Kermit is skeptical when everyone backstage is terrorized by "the Phantom of the Muppet Show." aka Uncle Deadly, a monster-actor who performed in the theater years ago, got panned by the critics, and vowed never to perform there again, and not to let anyone else perform either warning the Muppets "Leave or be doomed!"
It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Twiggy!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey. I went to a resort hotel
for a change and a rest.
The waiter got the change
and the hotel got the rest. Agh!
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Twiggy!
♪ But now let's get
things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(applause)
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
Good evening, gang,
and welcome to the show. And what a show it is,
'cause tonight our special guest
is a beautiful young lady
whose face is known
the world over.
She only has one name,
but many talents -
the one and only Twiggy.
We'll be meeting her in a few minutes,
but right now let's get things
swinging on The Muppet Show.
♪ One, two
♪ One, two, three
♪ Whoo
(disco music)
♪ Whoo
♪ Whoo
♪ Dance
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta shake my shoulders
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta move my bones, yeah
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta keep on grooving
♪ Dance
♪ As long as my motor runs
♪ I can jump, stomp my feet
♪ Uh, uh, uh
♪ Blame it on the rhythm
Let me hear the beat
♪ 'Cause I get loose
♪ Let out my juice
♪ When I dance
♪ Dance
♪ Whoo
♪ Whoo
♪ Oh, dance
♪ I gotta shake my shoulders
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta move my bones, yeah
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta keep on grooving
♪ Dance
♪ As long as my motor runs
♪ Something where
Don't be square
♪ Uh, uh, uh
♪ Keep on grooving now
It's your best bet
♪ If you must
♪ Rose Mary's angel dust
♪ Will make you dance
♪ Ooh
♪ Dance
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh
♪ Dance
Was that
a great number?
I don't know.
I slept through it.
Me too.
That's why I asked.
OK. Very nice.
Very nice.
You guys have come a long way
since you were feather dusters.
Thank you. I enjoyed it
ever so much, really I did.
Kermit. Kermit.
Call me kooky,
call me crazy,
but I think there's
a Phantom of The Muppet Show.
You're kooky.
You're crazy. No, I'm serious.
I was just up in
the stars' dressing room
and I saw the most ghoulish,
fiendish-looking face in the closet.
That was me, clown.
I was hanging up the wardrobe.
No, no, no.
After you left.
Listen, Kermit, I'm serious.
There's something here that should be looked into.
Yes, your head.
Phantom of The Muppet Show!
(laughs dismissively)
Look, Scooter, we're kinda
busy right now, but we'll keep our eyes open.
I mean, seriously, I think
you've been using your imagination too much.
If there's a Phantom
of The Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.
(screaming)
Help! There's a phantom
in the dressing room!
Anybody got a banana?
Right now I'd like to
introduce the lovely Leafy.
Barky. No, Branchy. Uh...
Twiggy.
Do I get credit
for being close?
Hello, everyone.
I'd like to thank you all for coming here today.
(all) You're welcome.
I really love press conferences,
but I will try and answer
any questions that you might have.
I have a question.
I have a question. Yes?
Miss Twiggy, how is it that
a beautiful girl like you only has one nose?
Eh? Um...
Well, I mean,
that's usual, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
So I noticed.
Twiggy... Wait a minute.
Twiggy! Twiggy!
I have a...
I have a serious question.
Who are the most important
people in your life?
Yeah, and what about
the places?
Oh, yeah.
That would be interesting.
(journalists chatter)
(♪ "In My Life"
by Lennon and McCartney)
♪ There are places I remember
♪ All my life
♪ Though some have changed
♪ Some forever, not for better
♪ Some have gone and some remain
♪ All these places
had their moments
♪ With lovers and friends
♪ I still can recall
♪ Some are dead
and some are living
♪ In my life
♪ I've loved them all
♪ Though I know
I'll never lose affection
♪ For places and things
♪ I still can recall
♪ And I know I'll often stop
and think about them
♪ In my life
♪ I've loved them all ♪
Uh, Twiggy makes
my heart sing.
Oh, well, let me hear.
Hm?
Nice song, but your
pacemaker needs tuning.
Argh!
Don't do that.
Don't you know that this is serious?
Everybody here is scared
of the Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Kermit, you've got to
do something. Yeah, Fozzie's right.
I just saw the most
terrifying face
peering out from behind
the sewing machine.
Oh, that was me again,
you nitwit.
No, it was after you left.
Oh, scaredy-cats.
Scaredy-cats?!
I'll have you know...
(Gonzo shouts)
Listen to me.
This is ridiculous.
You've gotta keep your
head on your shoulders.
That's better.
Oh, sure, sure.
You can joke all you want,
but there is something funny
going on around here.
Fine. But there better be
something funny going on out there.
Come on, move it, move it.
All right. Go, go, go!
Phantom of The Muppet Show.
(tuts)
(laughs evilly)
Ah, what fools
these Muppets be.
(clears throat)
Right now the ever-popular
Wayne and Wanda,
and their version
of that great oldie,
"Let It Snow, Let It Snow,
Let It Snow."
Oh, let it work, let it work,
let it work.
(♪ "Let It Snow, Let It Snow,
Let It Snow" by Kahn and Styne)
♪ Oh, the weather outside
is frightful
♪ But the fire is so delightful
♪ But if you've no place to go
♪ Let it snow, let it snow,
let it...
Funny, funny! Ha!
(Gonzo sighs)
Ow! Oh, my nose.
Thank you.
Hello, you two.
Oh, hi, Twiggy.
Hey, Muppy and I here
were hoping you'd tell us a little bedtime story.
Oh, I'd love to, but what
would you like to hear?
Well, Muppy here really likes
the poems of AA Milne.
You wouldn't know one,
would you?
Know one?
I've rehearsed one.
It's called
"The King's Breakfast."
(court music)
The king asked the queen
and the queen asked the dairymaid...
Could we have some butter
for the royal slice of bread?
The queen asked the dairymaid.
The dairymaid said, "Certainly."
"I'll go and see the cow now
before she goes to bed."
The dairymaid she curtsied,
and went to see the Alderney.
"Don't forget the butter
for the royal slice of bread."
The Alderney said sleepily...
You'd better tell His Majesty
that many people nowadays
like marmalade instead.
The dairymaid said, "Fancy!"
and went to Her Majesty.
She curtsied to the queen
and she turned a little red.
"Excuse me, Your Majesty,
for taking of the liberty,
but marmalade is tasty
if it's very thickly spread."
The queen said...
Oh.
...and went to His Majesty.
Talking of the butter
for the royal slice of bread,
many people think
that marmalade is nicer.
Would you like to try
a little marmalade instead?
The king said...
Bother.
And then he said...
Oh, deary me.
The king sobbed...
Oh, deary me.
...and went back to bed.
Nobody...
(Twiggy) He whimpered...
...could call me a fussy man.
I only want a little bit
of butter for my bread.
(Twiggy) The queen said...
There, there.
...and then she went
to the dairymaid.
The dairymaid said,
"There, there," and went to the shed.
The cow said...
Oh, there, there.
I didn't really mean it.
Here's milk for his porringer
and butter for his bread.
The queen took the butter
and brought it to His Majesty.
The king said...
Butter, eh?
...and bounced out of bed.
Nobody...
He said, as he kissed her tenderly.
Nobody...
He said, as he slid down the banisters.
Nobody, my darling,
could call me a fussy man,
but I do like a little bit
of butter to my bread.
That was wonderful.
(♪ tea dance music)
Oh, honey, at our wedding,
who's going to be the best man?
My brother.
Oh. Maybe I should marry him.
Hey, hey, you said
I could lead this time.
OK, OK, but I thought
you promised to wear the pink taffeta.
Oh, so I lied.
What's the difference
between immoral and illegal?
Well, immoral is,
uh, doing bad things.
Illegal is me
with a tummy ache.
I didn't write it.
Hey, thank you for letting me
have this dance with you.
What did you say
your name was?
Mary Louise.
One, two, three, dip.
Argh!
(screeching) Yeah, so, I've
recorded three record albums
and they're really great,
but they haven't sold.
What do you sing?
Rock?
No, lullabies.
One, two, three, dip.
(thud)
One, two, three, twirl.
(Kermit yells out)
Cute... cute dance step.
(♪ "Minuet in G" by Beethoven)
(wrong note)
(tempo speeds up)
Phew.
(wrong note)
Ooh.
Sorry about that.
Hello. I am Vendaface,
the world's first
fully automatic psychiatric machine.
Simply insert coin in slot,
step up to machine,
and I will tell you what your problem is.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Please insert another coin.
Please insert another coin.
OK, OK. Now,
what is my problem?
You are much too generous.
Gah!
What do you mean,
much too generous?
You also have a rotten temper.
I think that was great.
Right, Statler?
Statler! You fell.
No, my upper plate fell.
I jumped after it.
So, you still don't believe us
about the phantom, huh, Kermit?
Listen, Scooter, there are no
such things as ghosts, or goblins, or phantoms...
(screams)
Oh, help!
Help, somebody! Help!
Hilda, what is it now?
Kermit, I just saw
the most hideous, inhuman face.
For a moment, I thought
it was Gonzo.
But that was me.
Well, what are you doing
scaring an old lady half to death?
Well, I was hiding
from the phantom. See? See, Kermit?
All I see are a bunch of Muppets
spreading mass hysteria.
Now, there is no such thing
as a phantom. That's final. Period. End of report.
Uh, K-Kermit? Kermit?
What?
What has
a skull-like head,
fiery green eyes
and a torn cape?
I don't know.
I don't know either,
but it's right behind you.
(all scream)
Uh, you will notice that I
didn't fall for their joke.
And if it isn't a joke - I mean,
if there is someone or something behind me -
there is no doubt
a logical explanation for it.
So I shall now just turn
slowly around and see what is going on here.
Uh, pardon me, sir,
but is there a logical
explanation for your presence here?
(laughs evilly)
Apparently, there is no
logical explanation.
(screams)
Here is a Muppet news flash.
Dateline, London.
Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city
has just finished eating an entire diesel tractor.
Tell me, Mrs. Thomas,
why did you do such a thing?
Well, the doctor told me
I had an iron deficiency, you see,
so I started on a couple of
doorknobs and the occasional typewriter.
But there's nothing really
quite like a good bit of diesel tractor
with your chips and peas,
is there?
What an extraordinary feat.
I mean, how was it done?
Oh. Medium rare
or thereabouts.
Is this lady making
a fool of me?
She didn't make a fool of him.
No. He managed it all by himself.
(mutters)
(door creaks)
Nothing.
(growls)
Who are you?
I am Uncle Deadly.
Better known as
the Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Yes, sir. W-w-w-well,
Uncle, uh, Deadly, uh,
Phantom, uh, whatever do you
want? I mean, I'm just a... just a frog.
Just a little, harmless, little,
helpless, little, harmless, green frog.
I never hurt a fly. Well, maybe
I ate a few as a kid, but...
Enough of your
horrible little jokes! Yes, sir.
You Muppets have
taken over my theater.
Yes, sir.
My home.
Years ago, I was
a great actor. A star.
In this very theater,
my Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever.
Yes, sir.
And then I played my most difficult role,
Othello.
But opening night,
I was killed.
Oh, well, I-I'm very sorry
to hear that. Who killed you?
The critics.
Enough.
Yes, sir.
I swore I would never
perform here again, nor would anyone else.
No, sir.
I will drive you all from this theater.
Leave or be doomed!
Which way do I exit?
"Leave or be doomed."
I don't think I like those options.
Kermit. Oh, oh, Kermit,
we have been looking for you.
It was all a joke.
Yeah, that's right, chief.
George was just trying to scare us.
Yeah, he said he found an old
mask and cape in the cellar. Can you imagine that?
(laughs) Yeah, I was
just fooling around. There ain't no phantom.
I was just trying to scare
everybody. (laughs)
Well, you certainly did,
and if you ever do it again you're out of a job.
You scared me out of
about ten years' growth,
and I can't afford
to get any smaller.
Leave or be doomed!
Uh... uh, George...
if you're down here,
who's that up there?
That must be...
(all) ...the Phantom
of The Muppet Show!
(laughs evilly)
Well, that may have been one
of the greatest performances of my career.
Our guest star tonight
was born in London,
but all you folks in Enid,
Oklahoma, better stand by to hear a soul sister.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the down-home sound of the incomparable Twiggy!
(country music)
♪ You've got a girl,
you love her Sunday
♪ Then you've got
another on Monday
♪ That ain't nobody's
business but my own
♪ Sitting by the phone,
waiting for your call, you're out somewhere having a ball
♪ That ain't nobody's
business but my own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ All night long you're playing
poker, tell me, what's the name of that joker?
♪ That ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ I come over, say,
"Here I am," and then I hear the back door slam
♪ That ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ Say, you wear
the prettiest ties and collars
♪ Tell me,
where do you get the dollars?
♪ That ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ You always talk about
settling down, when I bring the ring, you're not around
♪ Well, I'll be there
the next time that you call
♪ So let's not fuss
and let's not fight
♪ I'm sick and tired
of saying good night
♪ Let's make up and hold each
other tight
♪ Love each other in all kinds
of weather, let's go into business together
♪ We could start a business
of our own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but our own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but our own ♪
OK, that about does it
for another week,
but I do wanna give
an extra special warm thank-you
to our lovely and charming
guest star.
Oh, thank you so much.
No, no, no.
I mean Twiggy. Twiggy!
I really had a lovely time,
Kermit. I even liked him.
Hey, you like him,
you can have him.
Oh. Well, not that much.
I didn't think so.
Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
Well, every week this show
looks better to me.
Every week your eyesight
gets worse.
(bum note)
very special guest star, Twiggy!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey. I went to a resort hotel
for a change and a rest.
The waiter got the change
and the hotel got the rest. Agh!
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you
Twiggy!
♪ But now let's get
things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(applause)
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
Good evening, gang,
and welcome to the show. And what a show it is,
'cause tonight our special guest
is a beautiful young lady
whose face is known
the world over.
She only has one name,
but many talents -
the one and only Twiggy.
We'll be meeting her in a few minutes,
but right now let's get things
swinging on The Muppet Show.
♪ One, two
♪ One, two, three
♪ Whoo
(disco music)
♪ Whoo
♪ Whoo
♪ Dance
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta shake my shoulders
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta move my bones, yeah
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta keep on grooving
♪ Dance
♪ As long as my motor runs
♪ I can jump, stomp my feet
♪ Uh, uh, uh
♪ Blame it on the rhythm
Let me hear the beat
♪ 'Cause I get loose
♪ Let out my juice
♪ When I dance
♪ Dance
♪ Whoo
♪ Whoo
♪ Oh, dance
♪ I gotta shake my shoulders
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta move my bones, yeah
♪ Dance
♪ I gotta keep on grooving
♪ Dance
♪ As long as my motor runs
♪ Something where
Don't be square
♪ Uh, uh, uh
♪ Keep on grooving now
It's your best bet
♪ If you must
♪ Rose Mary's angel dust
♪ Will make you dance
♪ Ooh
♪ Dance
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh
♪ Dance
Was that
a great number?
I don't know.
I slept through it.
Me too.
That's why I asked.
OK. Very nice.
Very nice.
You guys have come a long way
since you were feather dusters.
Thank you. I enjoyed it
ever so much, really I did.
Kermit. Kermit.
Call me kooky,
call me crazy,
but I think there's
a Phantom of The Muppet Show.
You're kooky.
You're crazy. No, I'm serious.
I was just up in
the stars' dressing room
and I saw the most ghoulish,
fiendish-looking face in the closet.
That was me, clown.
I was hanging up the wardrobe.
No, no, no.
After you left.
Listen, Kermit, I'm serious.
There's something here that should be looked into.
Yes, your head.
Phantom of The Muppet Show!
(laughs dismissively)
Look, Scooter, we're kinda
busy right now, but we'll keep our eyes open.
I mean, seriously, I think
you've been using your imagination too much.
If there's a Phantom
of The Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle.
(screaming)
Help! There's a phantom
in the dressing room!
Anybody got a banana?
Right now I'd like to
introduce the lovely Leafy.
Barky. No, Branchy. Uh...
Twiggy.
Do I get credit
for being close?
Hello, everyone.
I'd like to thank you all for coming here today.
(all) You're welcome.
I really love press conferences,
but I will try and answer
any questions that you might have.
I have a question.
I have a question. Yes?
Miss Twiggy, how is it that
a beautiful girl like you only has one nose?
Eh? Um...
Well, I mean,
that's usual, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
So I noticed.
Twiggy... Wait a minute.
Twiggy! Twiggy!
I have a...
I have a serious question.
Who are the most important
people in your life?
Yeah, and what about
the places?
Oh, yeah.
That would be interesting.
(journalists chatter)
(♪ "In My Life"
by Lennon and McCartney)
♪ There are places I remember
♪ All my life
♪ Though some have changed
♪ Some forever, not for better
♪ Some have gone and some remain
♪ All these places
had their moments
♪ With lovers and friends
♪ I still can recall
♪ Some are dead
and some are living
♪ In my life
♪ I've loved them all
♪ Though I know
I'll never lose affection
♪ For places and things
♪ I still can recall
♪ And I know I'll often stop
and think about them
♪ In my life
♪ I've loved them all ♪
Uh, Twiggy makes
my heart sing.
Oh, well, let me hear.
Hm?
Nice song, but your
pacemaker needs tuning.
Argh!
Don't do that.
Don't you know that this is serious?
Everybody here is scared
of the Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Kermit, you've got to
do something. Yeah, Fozzie's right.
I just saw the most
terrifying face
peering out from behind
the sewing machine.
Oh, that was me again,
you nitwit.
No, it was after you left.
Oh, scaredy-cats.
Scaredy-cats?!
I'll have you know...
(Gonzo shouts)
Listen to me.
This is ridiculous.
You've gotta keep your
head on your shoulders.
That's better.
Oh, sure, sure.
You can joke all you want,
but there is something funny
going on around here.
Fine. But there better be
something funny going on out there.
Come on, move it, move it.
All right. Go, go, go!
Phantom of The Muppet Show.
(tuts)
(laughs evilly)
Ah, what fools
these Muppets be.
(clears throat)
Right now the ever-popular
Wayne and Wanda,
and their version
of that great oldie,
"Let It Snow, Let It Snow,
Let It Snow."
Oh, let it work, let it work,
let it work.
(♪ "Let It Snow, Let It Snow,
Let It Snow" by Kahn and Styne)
♪ Oh, the weather outside
is frightful
♪ But the fire is so delightful
♪ But if you've no place to go
♪ Let it snow, let it snow,
let it...
Funny, funny! Ha!
(Gonzo sighs)
Ow! Oh, my nose.
Thank you.
Hello, you two.
Oh, hi, Twiggy.
Hey, Muppy and I here
were hoping you'd tell us a little bedtime story.
Oh, I'd love to, but what
would you like to hear?
Well, Muppy here really likes
the poems of AA Milne.
You wouldn't know one,
would you?
Know one?
I've rehearsed one.
It's called
"The King's Breakfast."
(court music)
The king asked the queen
and the queen asked the dairymaid...
Could we have some butter
for the royal slice of bread?
The queen asked the dairymaid.
The dairymaid said, "Certainly."
"I'll go and see the cow now
before she goes to bed."
The dairymaid she curtsied,
and went to see the Alderney.
"Don't forget the butter
for the royal slice of bread."
The Alderney said sleepily...
You'd better tell His Majesty
that many people nowadays
like marmalade instead.
The dairymaid said, "Fancy!"
and went to Her Majesty.
She curtsied to the queen
and she turned a little red.
"Excuse me, Your Majesty,
for taking of the liberty,
but marmalade is tasty
if it's very thickly spread."
The queen said...
Oh.
...and went to His Majesty.
Talking of the butter
for the royal slice of bread,
many people think
that marmalade is nicer.
Would you like to try
a little marmalade instead?
The king said...
Bother.
And then he said...
Oh, deary me.
The king sobbed...
Oh, deary me.
...and went back to bed.
Nobody...
(Twiggy) He whimpered...
...could call me a fussy man.
I only want a little bit
of butter for my bread.
(Twiggy) The queen said...
There, there.
...and then she went
to the dairymaid.
The dairymaid said,
"There, there," and went to the shed.
The cow said...
Oh, there, there.
I didn't really mean it.
Here's milk for his porringer
and butter for his bread.
The queen took the butter
and brought it to His Majesty.
The king said...
Butter, eh?
...and bounced out of bed.
Nobody...
He said, as he kissed her tenderly.
Nobody...
He said, as he slid down the banisters.
Nobody, my darling,
could call me a fussy man,
but I do like a little bit
of butter to my bread.
That was wonderful.
(♪ tea dance music)
Oh, honey, at our wedding,
who's going to be the best man?
My brother.
Oh. Maybe I should marry him.
Hey, hey, you said
I could lead this time.
OK, OK, but I thought
you promised to wear the pink taffeta.
Oh, so I lied.
What's the difference
between immoral and illegal?
Well, immoral is,
uh, doing bad things.
Illegal is me
with a tummy ache.
I didn't write it.
Hey, thank you for letting me
have this dance with you.
What did you say
your name was?
Mary Louise.
One, two, three, dip.
Argh!
(screeching) Yeah, so, I've
recorded three record albums
and they're really great,
but they haven't sold.
What do you sing?
Rock?
No, lullabies.
One, two, three, dip.
(thud)
One, two, three, twirl.
(Kermit yells out)
Cute... cute dance step.
(♪ "Minuet in G" by Beethoven)
(wrong note)
(tempo speeds up)
Phew.
(wrong note)
Ooh.
Sorry about that.
Hello. I am Vendaface,
the world's first
fully automatic psychiatric machine.
Simply insert coin in slot,
step up to machine,
and I will tell you what your problem is.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Please insert another coin.
Please insert another coin.
OK, OK. Now,
what is my problem?
You are much too generous.
Gah!
What do you mean,
much too generous?
You also have a rotten temper.
I think that was great.
Right, Statler?
Statler! You fell.
No, my upper plate fell.
I jumped after it.
So, you still don't believe us
about the phantom, huh, Kermit?
Listen, Scooter, there are no
such things as ghosts, or goblins, or phantoms...
(screams)
Oh, help!
Help, somebody! Help!
Hilda, what is it now?
Kermit, I just saw
the most hideous, inhuman face.
For a moment, I thought
it was Gonzo.
But that was me.
Well, what are you doing
scaring an old lady half to death?
Well, I was hiding
from the phantom. See? See, Kermit?
All I see are a bunch of Muppets
spreading mass hysteria.
Now, there is no such thing
as a phantom. That's final. Period. End of report.
Uh, K-Kermit? Kermit?
What?
What has
a skull-like head,
fiery green eyes
and a torn cape?
I don't know.
I don't know either,
but it's right behind you.
(all scream)
Uh, you will notice that I
didn't fall for their joke.
And if it isn't a joke - I mean,
if there is someone or something behind me -
there is no doubt
a logical explanation for it.
So I shall now just turn
slowly around and see what is going on here.
Uh, pardon me, sir,
but is there a logical
explanation for your presence here?
(laughs evilly)
Apparently, there is no
logical explanation.
(screams)
Here is a Muppet news flash.
Dateline, London.
Mrs. Lola Thomas of that city
has just finished eating an entire diesel tractor.
Tell me, Mrs. Thomas,
why did you do such a thing?
Well, the doctor told me
I had an iron deficiency, you see,
so I started on a couple of
doorknobs and the occasional typewriter.
But there's nothing really
quite like a good bit of diesel tractor
with your chips and peas,
is there?
What an extraordinary feat.
I mean, how was it done?
Oh. Medium rare
or thereabouts.
Is this lady making
a fool of me?
She didn't make a fool of him.
No. He managed it all by himself.
(mutters)
(door creaks)
Nothing.
(growls)
Who are you?
I am Uncle Deadly.
Better known as
the Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Yes, sir. W-w-w-well,
Uncle, uh, Deadly, uh,
Phantom, uh, whatever do you
want? I mean, I'm just a... just a frog.
Just a little, harmless, little,
helpless, little, harmless, green frog.
I never hurt a fly. Well, maybe
I ate a few as a kid, but...
Enough of your
horrible little jokes! Yes, sir.
You Muppets have
taken over my theater.
Yes, sir.
My home.
Years ago, I was
a great actor. A star.
In this very theater,
my Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever.
Yes, sir.
And then I played my most difficult role,
Othello.
But opening night,
I was killed.
Oh, well, I-I'm very sorry
to hear that. Who killed you?
The critics.
Enough.
Yes, sir.
I swore I would never
perform here again, nor would anyone else.
No, sir.
I will drive you all from this theater.
Leave or be doomed!
Which way do I exit?
"Leave or be doomed."
I don't think I like those options.
Kermit. Oh, oh, Kermit,
we have been looking for you.
It was all a joke.
Yeah, that's right, chief.
George was just trying to scare us.
Yeah, he said he found an old
mask and cape in the cellar. Can you imagine that?
(laughs) Yeah, I was
just fooling around. There ain't no phantom.
I was just trying to scare
everybody. (laughs)
Well, you certainly did,
and if you ever do it again you're out of a job.
You scared me out of
about ten years' growth,
and I can't afford
to get any smaller.
Leave or be doomed!
Uh... uh, George...
if you're down here,
who's that up there?
That must be...
(all) ...the Phantom
of The Muppet Show!
(laughs evilly)
Well, that may have been one
of the greatest performances of my career.
Our guest star tonight
was born in London,
but all you folks in Enid,
Oklahoma, better stand by to hear a soul sister.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the down-home sound of the incomparable Twiggy!
(country music)
♪ You've got a girl,
you love her Sunday
♪ Then you've got
another on Monday
♪ That ain't nobody's
business but my own
♪ Sitting by the phone,
waiting for your call, you're out somewhere having a ball
♪ That ain't nobody's
business but my own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ All night long you're playing
poker, tell me, what's the name of that joker?
♪ That ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ I come over, say,
"Here I am," and then I hear the back door slam
♪ That ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ Say, you wear
the prettiest ties and collars
♪ Tell me,
where do you get the dollars?
♪ That ain't nobody's business
but my own
♪ You always talk about
settling down, when I bring the ring, you're not around
♪ Well, I'll be there
the next time that you call
♪ So let's not fuss
and let's not fight
♪ I'm sick and tired
of saying good night
♪ Let's make up and hold each
other tight
♪ Love each other in all kinds
of weather, let's go into business together
♪ We could start a business
of our own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but our own
♪ Nobody's business
Nobody's business
♪ Ain't nobody's business
but our own ♪
OK, that about does it
for another week,
but I do wanna give
an extra special warm thank-you
to our lovely and charming
guest star.
Oh, thank you so much.
No, no, no.
I mean Twiggy. Twiggy!
I really had a lovely time,
Kermit. I even liked him.
Hey, you like him,
you can have him.
Oh. Well, not that much.
I didn't think so.
Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
Well, every week this show
looks better to me.
Every week your eyesight
gets worse.
(bum note)