The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 20 - Episode #1.20 - full transcript
It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest star,
Miss Valerie Harper.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, did you know
that if Tuesday Weld
married Frederick March's
grandson,
she'd be Tuesday
March the Second? Ha-ha.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Miss Valerie Harper.
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(gong)
Hey, George. George.
What? What? What?
Would you
clean up this backstage? This whole place is a mess.
Yeah. Of course
it's a mess,
with all these Muppets
exploding around here.
Every time I turn around,
there's somebody blowing his top.
George, that is
a slight exaggeration, isn't it?
I guess
it's all in my mind.
(applause)
Am I in the right place?
Oh, Valerie Harper.
Welcome to The Muppet Show.
Oh, we're so glad that
you can come and be with us.
Me too, Kermit. You know,
I'm not filming Rhoda this week.
I got hiatus.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Did you get it lifting something?
Oh, no...
Maybe you should see a doctor.
Kermit, that means
that we're on vacation.
And, well, you see,
I'm a total Muppet freak.
Everyone in this joint
is a freak.
See what I mean?
George, this is
Valerie Harper. She's on hiatus.
I'm George the Janitor.
I'm on Vitamin E.
Move it.
You have to forgive
George there. OK.
You were saying,
Valerie.
Yes. I was hoping
that you might let me do
a big opening number
on the show.
Oh, well, we had planned
to open the show
with Bertha Beasley
and her Galloping Geese,
but, actually,
Bertha isn't here yet, and the show's about to start.
She won't be here, Kermit.
What?
I Scotch-taped
a bushel of birdseed to her body.
Even as we speak,
geese are pecking her into oblivion.
Wow, you are
some determined lady.
I certainly am, Kermit.
Look, I can do it
if you just give me the chance.
Kermit, television is great,
but I gotta get back on those boards.
You know what it's like -
a live audience,
smell of the grease paint,
the roar of the crowd.
At least let me audition
for you, will you?
Sure. Go on ahead.
(♪ "Broadway Baby"
by Stephen Sondheim)
♪ I'm just a Broadway baby
♪ Walking off my tired feet
♪ Pounding 42nd Street
♪ To be in a show
♪ Oh, vododio
♪ Broadway baby
♪ Learning how
to sing and dance
♪ Waiting for that
one big chance
♪ To be in a show
♪ Oh
♪ Gee, I'd love to be
♪ On a marquee
♪ All twinkling lights
♪ A spark to pierce the dark
♪ From Battery Park
♪ Way up to Washington Heights
♪ Someday maybe
♪ All my dreams will be repaid
♪ Heck, I'd even play the maid
♪ To be in a show
(applause)
♪ Say, Mr. Producer, oh
♪ Some girls get the breaks
♪ Just give me my cue, sir
♪ 'Cause I got what it takes
(applause)
♪ Hey, Mr. Producer
♪ Kermit,
I'm talkin' to you, sir
♪ I don't need a lot
♪ Only what I got
♪ Plus a tube of grease paint
and a follow spot
♪ Someday maybe
♪ If I stick it long enough
♪ I may get to
strut my stuff, yeah
♪ Working for a nice man
like a Ziegfeld or a Weissman
♪ In a big time
♪ Broadway
♪ Show ♪
(applause)
Oh, that was great. You were
just wonderful, Valerie.
I tell you, you're going out
on that stage a star,
but you're gonna be
coming back a chorus girl.
I'm not sure that's
what I had in mind.
Well, what
a beautiful performer.
Yeah, what
a beautiful woman.
You know, Waldorf,
I think I'll go backstage and meet her.
Why, you old fool,
she wouldn't have anything to do with you.
Besides, I was thinking
of going backstage.
You? You?
Why, you're old enough to be her grandfather.
Why, you geriatric joker.
We'll settle this. We'll flip for her.
OK.
1, 2, 3...
You win.
(sings in mock Swedish)
(bang)
(speaks in mock Swedish)
(cake screams)
(cake speaks
in mock Japanese)
(speaks in mock Swedish)
(cake speaks
in mock Japanese)
(speaks in mock Swedish)
Hii-yah!
Hey, chief.
One of those hecklers from the box is back here,
and he says he wants
to speak to Miss Harper.
Oh, for goodness sakes,
I've got a show to do.
I can't have every
Tom, Dick, and Harry coming back here.
Hi, Tom. Hi, Dick.
Hi, Harry.
Of course,
there are exceptions.
Where is Miss Harper?
I demand to see her!
I will not be denied!
Well, wow!
One of our hecklers
has turned into
a stage-door Johnny.
Miss Harper
is up in her dressing room there rehearsing her lines.
Well, I've been
rehearsing my lines, too, for when I meet her.
How's this? "Hiya, toots.
You're some kind
of hot-looking tomato."
That's a very old line.
Well, I'm a very old man.
Hey, listen.
Stage-door johnnies are supposed to bring roses.
What is that thing?
Oh, roses are ordinaire.
This is a very special plant
for a very special lady.
It's an African berry bush.
Grows at a rate
of three feet an hour.
Unless it rains,
then it grows faster.
Well, I suggest that
you bury your berry bush
and bug outta here,
buster.
That's nice
alliteration, huh?
Hey! I'll have you know
I've dated and wined and dined
some of the finest performers
on the legitimate stage.
Hayes, Langtry, Barrymore.
Wait a minute.
You dated Ethel Barrymore?
No. Lionel.
Ethel was busy that night.
To tell you the truth,
we didn't dance much, either.
Will you get outta here?!
No. I'll sit over here
with my bush.
I have the feeling
this is going to be one of those shows.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline,
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Doctors in Milwaukee
have reported a phenomenon
never before witnessed
in medical annals.
Mr. Gus Klinger,
a steam fitter,
has, over a three-month period,
turned into a rug.
Here is his wife, Mrs. Klinger,
to explain what happened.
Well, it all started
as a simple case
of shag pile
on the belly,
but then, gradually,
it spread,
until he is now
a 9 x 12 carpet.
With fringe.
I am just going to
have to sue for divorce, that's all.
Why is that, Mrs. Klinger?
'Cause he does not
match the drapes.
OK, now it is
with great pleasure and no little concern
that I present
my dear friend Rowlf,
with an original poem
written, directed,
and conceived by Rowlf.
Sort of a tour de force,
which is French
for "blow your own horn."
So let's bring him on
with a great big hand.
I've titled this original poem
The Butterfly.
Ahem.
I saw a butterfly
one beautiful morn
Flitting silently
on the dew-covered lawn
And I thought to myself
how wonderful it would be
If only we could see
Millions of these
Covering the mountains,
the plains and the seas.
I held out my hand
And motioned it to land
And as it did, I looked
for another butterfly
with which to mate it.
I couldn't find one,
so I sat down and ate it.
It was only a joke.
I'm just kidding.
Well, Statler
would have loved that one, but I hated it.
OK, let's move that butterfly.
Move it, move it, move it.
(Rowlf mumbles)
Well, at least you're
better than that bear.
Not much, but...
Hey! What are you doing here?
Well, if it's
any of your business, janitor man,
I'm waiting
for Miss Harper.
It looks like your plant
could use some watering.
Hmm? No! No!
You fool! Oh, no!
This is an African berry bush.
It grows at an enormous rate.
It will grow and grow
and eat everything in sight.
It bears a striking resemblance
to my brother-in-law.
(♪ tea dance music)
I think your brother
is going to buy you a house.
Why?
I heard him say
you belong in a home.
Dip.
Aah!
You know, I just can't
seem to hold on to a guy.
What is it, huh?
I'm a real good-looker,
a neat dresser, and a great cook.
Come on, tell me now.
What's my problem?
You're too introverted.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
This music they're playin'
is garbage!
Pure garbage, man.
Why do you say that?
Enough said?
Uh... Dr. Tooth.
Teeth.
Teeth. Do you think honesty
is the best policy?
Oh, positively.
Well, you are
a terrible dancer.
Another crack like that
and your best policy
will be an insurance policy.
You'd better be careful.
There's a bat coming your way.
Oh, that's all right.
My uncle was a vampire.
It's not that kind of a bat.
A definite improvement.
So what do I do here?
Oh, Sam, you just
play the part of the bird.
I mean, it's not written
for an eagle, but...
Well, is this cultural?
Oh, yeah. This is light opera.
Gilbert and Sullivan.
Begin.
♪ On a tree by the river,
a little tomtit
♪ Sang...
Uh... This is
your part, Sam.
Willow, titwillow,
titwillow.
Mm-hmm.
♪ And I said to him,
"Dickeybird...
That's you, Sam.
You play the part of the dickeybird.
♪ "Why do you sit,
singing...
Dickeybird?
Willow, titwillow, titwillow.
♪ "Is it weakness of intellect,
birdie?" I cried
Not meaning you, Sam.
Mmm. Yes, yes.
♪ "Or a rather tough worm
in your little inside?"
♪ With a shake of his
poor little head, he replied
Willow, titwillow, titwillow.
Mm-hmm.
♪ Now, I feel just as sure
as I'm sure that my name isn't
Willow, titwillow,
titwillow.
♪ That 'twas blighted affection
that made him exclaim
You wanna do this?
Uh... willow,
titwillow, titwillow.
♪ And if you remain
callous and obdurate, I...
What's "obdurate"?
I don't know, Sam.
♪ Shall perish as he did,
and you will know why
♪ Though I probably
shall not exclaim as I die
This is the last one, Sam.
Willow... titwillow...
titwillow.
(laughter)
Why are they laughing?
(♪ "Searchin'")
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Yeah
♪ Been searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah
♪ Searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ Searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Mm-mmm
♪ Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah
♪ But I'm like
a Northwest Mountie
♪ You know I'll
bring her back someday
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Well, now,
if I have to swim a river
♪ You know I will
♪ And if I have
to climb a mountain
♪ You know I will
♪ And if she's a-hiding
♪ Up on a-Blueberry Hill
♪ Am I gonna find her,
child, you know I will
♪ 'Cause I've been searchin'
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ Searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Goodness
♪ Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah
♪ Well, I'm like
that Northwest Mountie
♪ You know I'll
bring her back someday
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Yeah, I'm like
a Northwest Mountie
♪ You know I'll
bring her back someday
I'll find you, darling.
♪ Gonna quit now
I know you're
around here someplace.
♪ Gonna quit now
Oh, this is hard work.
♪ Gonna quit ♪
OK.
(applause)
Just think,
that old fool Statler's
getting a chance to meet
Miss Harper backstage
just because
he could do a flip.
But I bet he can't do this.
Sometimes I tickle myself.
In fact, I think
I'll tickle myself now.
Statler! You gotta do something
about this crazy plant of yours.
Now hold it right there.
I know my rights.
Section three, paragraph four,
Theatergoer's Manual.
"Any member of the audience
has the right to..."
Oh, don't give me that hogwash!
What did you say?
I said, "Don't give me
that hogwash."
All right. I was
gonna wash the hogs,
but if you
don't want the hogwash, I'll just dump it here.
No, no, no! Not there!
What? Oh, no.
Help! Bush running amuck!
Bush running amuck!
Help! Help! Help!
(screaming)
Oh, no. Help!
I'll get you. I'll get you.
Just hold still.
Hilda, I lost my comb.
Do you know where I can get a new one?
Oh, haven't you met Bernie,
our new makeup man?
No, I guess I haven't.
Oh, Bernie! Bernie!
Bernie, Miss Harper
needs a comb, Bernie.
Oh, hiya, Miss Harper.
Hiya, Bernie.
I'll get you a comb
in just a minute.
In the meantime,
have an egg.
Hilda, don't tell me
he's...
That's right.
He's the Easter Bernie.
Oh, dear. Finally,
they gave Hilda the pinch line.
Don't you mean punch line?
No, I mean the pinch line.
How come?
(Animal roars)
Aah!
That's how come.
Hiya, sweetie.
Hilda, you want
a punch line,
this is a punch line.
Aah!
Nice punch, Valerie.
Onstage for the next sketch,
please. Uh... Kermit.
Mmm? What?
Kermit, I cannot
do my monologue.
How come?
Because the tree
ate my cue cards.
Statler! One of these days,
I'm gonna get you for this.
You could have
avoided all this
if you had let me meet
Miss Harper when I asked.
The only person
you're going to meet back here is Tarzan.
(Tarzan scream)
I hope he's a good dancer.
Once again,
the happy harmonies,
the melodious melodies,
the warm warblings
of Wayne and Wanda.
Please, do it for me.
Or somebody.
(applause)
(♪ "On a Clear Day
You Can See Forever" by Burton Lane)
♪ On a clear day
♪ Rise and look around you
♪ And you'll see
♪ Where you are ♪
(coughing)
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline... Oh.
Oh.
Sorry.
Kermit, I am so pleased
that you're gonna allow me
to do a big dance number
to close the show.
Oh, listen, it's my pleasure.
Hey, but I think I should warn you,
you're gonna be doing this
with our chorus line,
and they're known as
The Clodhoppers.
That's perfect.
It's been so long
since I've danced, I'll fit right in.
I'll be a perfect clod.
Oh, no, no. Don't worry.
I'm gonna give it my best shot.
You're a trooper, Valerie.
I'll go out there and introduce you, OK?
OK. Hang in there, gang.
This could be the start
of a new career.
Or the end of one.
OK, and now, once again,
ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Valerie Harper
with The Clodhoppers.
(♪ "Nobody Does It Like Me"
by Cy Coleman)
Hey.
Thank you.
Aah!
♪ If there's a wrong way
to say it
♪ A wrong way to play it
♪ Nobody does it like me
♪ If there's a wrong way
to do it
♪ A right way to mess it up
♪ Nobody does it like me
Oh.
Yoo-hoo.
Oh.
♪ If there's a wrong way
to keep it cool
♪ A right way to be a fool
♪ Nobody does it like me
♪ If there's a wrong bell,
I ring it
♪ A wrong note, I sing it
♪ Nobody does it like me
♪ If there's a wrong way
to keep a guy
♪ Right way to lose a guy
♪ Nobody does it like me
♪ Nobody does it, no
♪ Nobody does it like
♪ Nobody does it like
♪ Me ♪
(applause)
Well, once again, friends,
it's time to say so long,
but first, let's thank
our special guest star - Miss Valerie Harper. Yeah!
(applause)
Kermit, I can't tell you
how great it's been being with you,
if very unusual.
Ahem. Excuse me, Miss Harper.
My name is Statler. I...
Oh, for heaven's sake,
Statler!
I was wanting to meet you
all evening.
I wanted to give you
this little present
and ask if you'd join me
for a steak dinner later on.
Wait a second.
Didn't that plant grow into a great big bush,
or was that
my imagination?
Yeah, well, this is
its firstborn.
Thank you very much,
Statler. It's lovely.
But I can't join you
for dinner. You see, I'm a vegetarian.
Of course, I could always
eat the plant.
Before it eats you.
OK, well, good night, Valerie.
Good night, everybody.
We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.
You're not too bad yourself.
Hubba-hubba-hubba.
Hey? What? No.
What are you...?
What? No. Wait. Wait.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
I was practicing my flip.
Help!
(bum note)
with our special guest star,
Miss Valerie Harper.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, did you know
that if Tuesday Weld
married Frederick March's
grandson,
she'd be Tuesday
March the Second? Ha-ha.
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Miss Valerie Harper.
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(gong)
Hey, George. George.
What? What? What?
Would you
clean up this backstage? This whole place is a mess.
Yeah. Of course
it's a mess,
with all these Muppets
exploding around here.
Every time I turn around,
there's somebody blowing his top.
George, that is
a slight exaggeration, isn't it?
I guess
it's all in my mind.
(applause)
Am I in the right place?
Oh, Valerie Harper.
Welcome to The Muppet Show.
Oh, we're so glad that
you can come and be with us.
Me too, Kermit. You know,
I'm not filming Rhoda this week.
I got hiatus.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Did you get it lifting something?
Oh, no...
Maybe you should see a doctor.
Kermit, that means
that we're on vacation.
And, well, you see,
I'm a total Muppet freak.
Everyone in this joint
is a freak.
See what I mean?
George, this is
Valerie Harper. She's on hiatus.
I'm George the Janitor.
I'm on Vitamin E.
Move it.
You have to forgive
George there. OK.
You were saying,
Valerie.
Yes. I was hoping
that you might let me do
a big opening number
on the show.
Oh, well, we had planned
to open the show
with Bertha Beasley
and her Galloping Geese,
but, actually,
Bertha isn't here yet, and the show's about to start.
She won't be here, Kermit.
What?
I Scotch-taped
a bushel of birdseed to her body.
Even as we speak,
geese are pecking her into oblivion.
Wow, you are
some determined lady.
I certainly am, Kermit.
Look, I can do it
if you just give me the chance.
Kermit, television is great,
but I gotta get back on those boards.
You know what it's like -
a live audience,
smell of the grease paint,
the roar of the crowd.
At least let me audition
for you, will you?
Sure. Go on ahead.
(♪ "Broadway Baby"
by Stephen Sondheim)
♪ I'm just a Broadway baby
♪ Walking off my tired feet
♪ Pounding 42nd Street
♪ To be in a show
♪ Oh, vododio
♪ Broadway baby
♪ Learning how
to sing and dance
♪ Waiting for that
one big chance
♪ To be in a show
♪ Oh
♪ Gee, I'd love to be
♪ On a marquee
♪ All twinkling lights
♪ A spark to pierce the dark
♪ From Battery Park
♪ Way up to Washington Heights
♪ Someday maybe
♪ All my dreams will be repaid
♪ Heck, I'd even play the maid
♪ To be in a show
(applause)
♪ Say, Mr. Producer, oh
♪ Some girls get the breaks
♪ Just give me my cue, sir
♪ 'Cause I got what it takes
(applause)
♪ Hey, Mr. Producer
♪ Kermit,
I'm talkin' to you, sir
♪ I don't need a lot
♪ Only what I got
♪ Plus a tube of grease paint
and a follow spot
♪ Someday maybe
♪ If I stick it long enough
♪ I may get to
strut my stuff, yeah
♪ Working for a nice man
like a Ziegfeld or a Weissman
♪ In a big time
♪ Broadway
♪ Show ♪
(applause)
Oh, that was great. You were
just wonderful, Valerie.
I tell you, you're going out
on that stage a star,
but you're gonna be
coming back a chorus girl.
I'm not sure that's
what I had in mind.
Well, what
a beautiful performer.
Yeah, what
a beautiful woman.
You know, Waldorf,
I think I'll go backstage and meet her.
Why, you old fool,
she wouldn't have anything to do with you.
Besides, I was thinking
of going backstage.
You? You?
Why, you're old enough to be her grandfather.
Why, you geriatric joker.
We'll settle this. We'll flip for her.
OK.
1, 2, 3...
You win.
(sings in mock Swedish)
(bang)
(speaks in mock Swedish)
(cake screams)
(cake speaks
in mock Japanese)
(speaks in mock Swedish)
(cake speaks
in mock Japanese)
(speaks in mock Swedish)
Hii-yah!
Hey, chief.
One of those hecklers from the box is back here,
and he says he wants
to speak to Miss Harper.
Oh, for goodness sakes,
I've got a show to do.
I can't have every
Tom, Dick, and Harry coming back here.
Hi, Tom. Hi, Dick.
Hi, Harry.
Of course,
there are exceptions.
Where is Miss Harper?
I demand to see her!
I will not be denied!
Well, wow!
One of our hecklers
has turned into
a stage-door Johnny.
Miss Harper
is up in her dressing room there rehearsing her lines.
Well, I've been
rehearsing my lines, too, for when I meet her.
How's this? "Hiya, toots.
You're some kind
of hot-looking tomato."
That's a very old line.
Well, I'm a very old man.
Hey, listen.
Stage-door johnnies are supposed to bring roses.
What is that thing?
Oh, roses are ordinaire.
This is a very special plant
for a very special lady.
It's an African berry bush.
Grows at a rate
of three feet an hour.
Unless it rains,
then it grows faster.
Well, I suggest that
you bury your berry bush
and bug outta here,
buster.
That's nice
alliteration, huh?
Hey! I'll have you know
I've dated and wined and dined
some of the finest performers
on the legitimate stage.
Hayes, Langtry, Barrymore.
Wait a minute.
You dated Ethel Barrymore?
No. Lionel.
Ethel was busy that night.
To tell you the truth,
we didn't dance much, either.
Will you get outta here?!
No. I'll sit over here
with my bush.
I have the feeling
this is going to be one of those shows.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline,
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Doctors in Milwaukee
have reported a phenomenon
never before witnessed
in medical annals.
Mr. Gus Klinger,
a steam fitter,
has, over a three-month period,
turned into a rug.
Here is his wife, Mrs. Klinger,
to explain what happened.
Well, it all started
as a simple case
of shag pile
on the belly,
but then, gradually,
it spread,
until he is now
a 9 x 12 carpet.
With fringe.
I am just going to
have to sue for divorce, that's all.
Why is that, Mrs. Klinger?
'Cause he does not
match the drapes.
OK, now it is
with great pleasure and no little concern
that I present
my dear friend Rowlf,
with an original poem
written, directed,
and conceived by Rowlf.
Sort of a tour de force,
which is French
for "blow your own horn."
So let's bring him on
with a great big hand.
I've titled this original poem
The Butterfly.
Ahem.
I saw a butterfly
one beautiful morn
Flitting silently
on the dew-covered lawn
And I thought to myself
how wonderful it would be
If only we could see
Millions of these
Covering the mountains,
the plains and the seas.
I held out my hand
And motioned it to land
And as it did, I looked
for another butterfly
with which to mate it.
I couldn't find one,
so I sat down and ate it.
It was only a joke.
I'm just kidding.
Well, Statler
would have loved that one, but I hated it.
OK, let's move that butterfly.
Move it, move it, move it.
(Rowlf mumbles)
Well, at least you're
better than that bear.
Not much, but...
Hey! What are you doing here?
Well, if it's
any of your business, janitor man,
I'm waiting
for Miss Harper.
It looks like your plant
could use some watering.
Hmm? No! No!
You fool! Oh, no!
This is an African berry bush.
It grows at an enormous rate.
It will grow and grow
and eat everything in sight.
It bears a striking resemblance
to my brother-in-law.
(♪ tea dance music)
I think your brother
is going to buy you a house.
Why?
I heard him say
you belong in a home.
Dip.
Aah!
You know, I just can't
seem to hold on to a guy.
What is it, huh?
I'm a real good-looker,
a neat dresser, and a great cook.
Come on, tell me now.
What's my problem?
You're too introverted.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
This music they're playin'
is garbage!
Pure garbage, man.
Why do you say that?
Enough said?
Uh... Dr. Tooth.
Teeth.
Teeth. Do you think honesty
is the best policy?
Oh, positively.
Well, you are
a terrible dancer.
Another crack like that
and your best policy
will be an insurance policy.
You'd better be careful.
There's a bat coming your way.
Oh, that's all right.
My uncle was a vampire.
It's not that kind of a bat.
A definite improvement.
So what do I do here?
Oh, Sam, you just
play the part of the bird.
I mean, it's not written
for an eagle, but...
Well, is this cultural?
Oh, yeah. This is light opera.
Gilbert and Sullivan.
Begin.
♪ On a tree by the river,
a little tomtit
♪ Sang...
Uh... This is
your part, Sam.
Willow, titwillow,
titwillow.
Mm-hmm.
♪ And I said to him,
"Dickeybird...
That's you, Sam.
You play the part of the dickeybird.
♪ "Why do you sit,
singing...
Dickeybird?
Willow, titwillow, titwillow.
♪ "Is it weakness of intellect,
birdie?" I cried
Not meaning you, Sam.
Mmm. Yes, yes.
♪ "Or a rather tough worm
in your little inside?"
♪ With a shake of his
poor little head, he replied
Willow, titwillow, titwillow.
Mm-hmm.
♪ Now, I feel just as sure
as I'm sure that my name isn't
Willow, titwillow,
titwillow.
♪ That 'twas blighted affection
that made him exclaim
You wanna do this?
Uh... willow,
titwillow, titwillow.
♪ And if you remain
callous and obdurate, I...
What's "obdurate"?
I don't know, Sam.
♪ Shall perish as he did,
and you will know why
♪ Though I probably
shall not exclaim as I die
This is the last one, Sam.
Willow... titwillow...
titwillow.
(laughter)
Why are they laughing?
(♪ "Searchin'")
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Yeah
♪ Been searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah
♪ Searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ Searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Mm-mmm
♪ Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah
♪ But I'm like
a Northwest Mountie
♪ You know I'll
bring her back someday
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Well, now,
if I have to swim a river
♪ You know I will
♪ And if I have
to climb a mountain
♪ You know I will
♪ And if she's a-hiding
♪ Up on a-Blueberry Hill
♪ Am I gonna find her,
child, you know I will
♪ 'Cause I've been searchin'
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ Searchin'
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Goodness
♪ Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah
♪ Well, I'm like
that Northwest Mountie
♪ You know I'll
bring her back someday
♪ Gonna find her
♪ Yeah, I'm like
a Northwest Mountie
♪ You know I'll
bring her back someday
I'll find you, darling.
♪ Gonna quit now
I know you're
around here someplace.
♪ Gonna quit now
Oh, this is hard work.
♪ Gonna quit ♪
OK.
(applause)
Just think,
that old fool Statler's
getting a chance to meet
Miss Harper backstage
just because
he could do a flip.
But I bet he can't do this.
Sometimes I tickle myself.
In fact, I think
I'll tickle myself now.
Statler! You gotta do something
about this crazy plant of yours.
Now hold it right there.
I know my rights.
Section three, paragraph four,
Theatergoer's Manual.
"Any member of the audience
has the right to..."
Oh, don't give me that hogwash!
What did you say?
I said, "Don't give me
that hogwash."
All right. I was
gonna wash the hogs,
but if you
don't want the hogwash, I'll just dump it here.
No, no, no! Not there!
What? Oh, no.
Help! Bush running amuck!
Bush running amuck!
Help! Help! Help!
(screaming)
Oh, no. Help!
I'll get you. I'll get you.
Just hold still.
Hilda, I lost my comb.
Do you know where I can get a new one?
Oh, haven't you met Bernie,
our new makeup man?
No, I guess I haven't.
Oh, Bernie! Bernie!
Bernie, Miss Harper
needs a comb, Bernie.
Oh, hiya, Miss Harper.
Hiya, Bernie.
I'll get you a comb
in just a minute.
In the meantime,
have an egg.
Hilda, don't tell me
he's...
That's right.
He's the Easter Bernie.
Oh, dear. Finally,
they gave Hilda the pinch line.
Don't you mean punch line?
No, I mean the pinch line.
How come?
(Animal roars)
Aah!
That's how come.
Hiya, sweetie.
Hilda, you want
a punch line,
this is a punch line.
Aah!
Nice punch, Valerie.
Onstage for the next sketch,
please. Uh... Kermit.
Mmm? What?
Kermit, I cannot
do my monologue.
How come?
Because the tree
ate my cue cards.
Statler! One of these days,
I'm gonna get you for this.
You could have
avoided all this
if you had let me meet
Miss Harper when I asked.
The only person
you're going to meet back here is Tarzan.
(Tarzan scream)
I hope he's a good dancer.
Once again,
the happy harmonies,
the melodious melodies,
the warm warblings
of Wayne and Wanda.
Please, do it for me.
Or somebody.
(applause)
(♪ "On a Clear Day
You Can See Forever" by Burton Lane)
♪ On a clear day
♪ Rise and look around you
♪ And you'll see
♪ Where you are ♪
(coughing)
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline... Oh.
Oh.
Sorry.
Kermit, I am so pleased
that you're gonna allow me
to do a big dance number
to close the show.
Oh, listen, it's my pleasure.
Hey, but I think I should warn you,
you're gonna be doing this
with our chorus line,
and they're known as
The Clodhoppers.
That's perfect.
It's been so long
since I've danced, I'll fit right in.
I'll be a perfect clod.
Oh, no, no. Don't worry.
I'm gonna give it my best shot.
You're a trooper, Valerie.
I'll go out there and introduce you, OK?
OK. Hang in there, gang.
This could be the start
of a new career.
Or the end of one.
OK, and now, once again,
ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Valerie Harper
with The Clodhoppers.
(♪ "Nobody Does It Like Me"
by Cy Coleman)
Hey.
Thank you.
Aah!
♪ If there's a wrong way
to say it
♪ A wrong way to play it
♪ Nobody does it like me
♪ If there's a wrong way
to do it
♪ A right way to mess it up
♪ Nobody does it like me
Oh.
Yoo-hoo.
Oh.
♪ If there's a wrong way
to keep it cool
♪ A right way to be a fool
♪ Nobody does it like me
♪ If there's a wrong bell,
I ring it
♪ A wrong note, I sing it
♪ Nobody does it like me
♪ If there's a wrong way
to keep a guy
♪ Right way to lose a guy
♪ Nobody does it like me
♪ Nobody does it, no
♪ Nobody does it like
♪ Nobody does it like
♪ Me ♪
(applause)
Well, once again, friends,
it's time to say so long,
but first, let's thank
our special guest star - Miss Valerie Harper. Yeah!
(applause)
Kermit, I can't tell you
how great it's been being with you,
if very unusual.
Ahem. Excuse me, Miss Harper.
My name is Statler. I...
Oh, for heaven's sake,
Statler!
I was wanting to meet you
all evening.
I wanted to give you
this little present
and ask if you'd join me
for a steak dinner later on.
Wait a second.
Didn't that plant grow into a great big bush,
or was that
my imagination?
Yeah, well, this is
its firstborn.
Thank you very much,
Statler. It's lovely.
But I can't join you
for dinner. You see, I'm a vegetarian.
Of course, I could always
eat the plant.
Before it eats you.
OK, well, good night, Valerie.
Good night, everybody.
We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.
You're not too bad yourself.
Hubba-hubba-hubba.
Hey? What? No.
What are you...?
What? No. Wait. Wait.
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
I was practicing my flip.
Help!
(bum note)