The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 19 - Vincent Price - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show,

with our special guest star,
Mr. Vincent Price.

Whoo!

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, I once met a vampire
who was so rich,



he lived
in a split-level coffin.

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you...

Mr. Vincent Price!

♪ But now
let's get things started

♪ on the most sensational,
inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

(blows)

(applause)

Thank you! Thank you,
thank you and good evening,



and welcome to a very unusual
edition of The Muppet Show.

Yes, things are going to be
a little bit strange tonight,

as you probably
can already tell.

Be prepared for the strange,
the weird and the scary

because our guest star
is none other

than the crown prince of terror,
Mr. Vincent Price.

So tonight
there will be no craziness,

no slapstick and no silliness...

Ha-ha!

Or at least not much of it.

Let the scariness begin.

(♪ "I've Got You Under My Skin"
by Cole Porter)

♪ I've got you

(Shaky Sanchez)
♪ You've got me

♪ Under my skin

♪ Under your skin

♪ I've got you

♪ You've got me

♪ Deep in the heart of me

That's very true.

♪ So deep in my heart

Oh!

♪ You're really
a part of me

I don't wanna be
a part of you!

♪ I've got you

♪ Under my skin

♪ I've tried so
Huh? What?

♪ Not to give in

Get back down there.

♪ I've said to myself

♪ This affair
never will go so well

(gurgles)

♪ But why should you try
to resist

♪ When, darling,
I know so well

♪ I've got you

♪ You've got me

♪ Under my skin

Just give me
a chance here.

♪ You'd sacrifice anything
come what might for the sake of having me near

♪ In spite of a warning voice
that comes in the night

♪ And repeats and repeats
in your ear

♪ Don't you know,
little fool

♪ You never can win?

♪ Use your mentality

♪ Wake up to reality

Yeah, but, uh...

♪ But each time I do,
just the thought of you makes me

♪ Stop before you begin

♪ Because I've got you

♪ You got me

♪ Under my skin

♪ Que será, será

♪ Whatever will be will be ♪

Ohh! That number
scared the pants off me.

Are you sure you didn't
just forget to put 'em on again?

OK, stand by for
the house of horror sketch.

Calm down back there.

Hey, boss.
Hmm. What?

There's someone here
wanting to audition.

OK. Who is he?
Well, it's not exactly a he.

OK. Who is she?
Well, it's not exactly a she.

Scooter, this rather severely
limits the possibilities.

Would you please
explain yourself? Well, it's sort of a they.

You mean
there's more than one? Not really.

This gofer is about
to become a gone-fer.

Scooter, what are you
talking about? That.

(all) Hi, Mr. Frog.
Can we be on your show?

Good grief,
it's a triple-header.

I'm going back
to the dressing room.

I'm going
to the makeup room. I'll wait here.

In honor of my homeland,

Kermit has asked me
to do the next introduction.

We take you now to Transylvania,

to a high and brooding hill.

We take you now
to the house of horror.

(thunderclap)
Aah!

(♪ organ)

(thunder rumbles)

Oh, Gonzo,
I don't think very much

of this summer cottage
you rented for us.

Yeah, I don't understand it.
The ad looked so good in the paper.

What paper was that?
The Wampire Veekly.

The Wampire Veekly?

It does look kinda big
for just the two of us.

Wooo...
Ohh!

Yaah!

The three of us.
(cackles)

The... four of us.

Well, at least
we won't be lonely.

(knock on door)

Aah!
Aah!

Someone's...
someone's at the door.

Someone's at the door.

I bet it's not
the Welcome Wagon.

Yep, it's not
the Welcome Wagon.

Good evening.

Excuse me, but do you
have a room for the night?

You see,
the road has washed out

and my horse had a flat tire.

(stammers)
Well, maybe I, uh...

I must tell you
I am not alone.

I am traveling
with my beautiful assistant

and a hideously deformed
monster.

Oh! Hideously deformed
is right.

Watch it.
I'm the beautiful assistant.

Oh, boy.

Master, I've left Toto
in the coach.

Toto?

Good, good.

And now I must ask,

can you tell me
what time it is?

Uh... Oh, golly,
my hourglass seems to have stopped.

Oh, this is terrible!
Terrible.

We're in trouble.
Yes.

Why's that?

Because every night
at the stroke of midnight,

the master turns into
a screaming, maniacal,

demonic, raging,

blood-lusting
animal.

And then
I get mean.

What do we do?

Quickly, quickly.

Prepare a dungeon,

chains, manacles...

Bind me!

(bell tolling)
(groaning)

Oh, no. It's too late.
It's midnight.

(whimpers)

Oh, no,
something's different.

Quick, what night is it?

(both) New Year's Eve.

Oh, no. This is
too cruel, too inhuman.

What? What? What is? What?
Tell! Tell! What? What?

On New Year's Eve,

the master turns into
Jack Parnell.

(♪ "Auld Lang Syne")

(all) Aah!

Vincent Price is the most
wonderfully scary actor

since Thudge McGerk.

Heh! Thudge McGerk.
I'll never forget him.

His last film was
Phantom of the Soap Opera.

Yeah. After that,
he went berserk.

They say he still haunts
theaters around the world.

Three eyes, green hair,
long orange horns

and big long ugly fangs.

Horrible man. Horrible.

(growls)

No!

(crash)

Listen, on your way back up,
bring some popcorn.

(gibberish) ...butter.

With butter.
Ha!

You OK?

Excuse me,
frog honcho of mine. Mm?

Well, the triple-header
is still waiting to audition.

Oh. Well, you know,
with Vincent Price on the show,

maybe a three-headed monster
might be appropriate.

Tell me,
what do you guys do? We sing.

No, we dance.
No, we tell jokes.

Uh-huh.
You work on television much?

(all) Work on
television much? Always!

Sometimes.
Never.

I think you fellas
have some problems.

Which one of you
is the leader? He is.

He is.
She is.

In fact, they got
lots of problems.

(clears throat)

If you're like I am,
and you certainly must be,

you are appalled and shocked

at the weird unnatural things
going on tonight.

Here, to counter all that,

the very natural,
the very normal

Wayne and Wanda.

(♪ "Bewitched"
by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart)

♪ I'm wild again

♪ Beguiled again

♪ A simpering, whimpering
child again

♪ Bewitched ♪

Bothered and bewildered.

This part of the program
is the cultural part.

We have to get started now.
Just a second.

Time once again, friends,

to raise the intellectual level
of our program,

and tonight our special guest
is Mr. Vincent Price.

Well, it's a pleasure
to be with you, Kermit.

In addition
to his other talents, Mr. Price is also a great cook.

So tonight's topic
for discussion is gourmet dining.

Vincent has assembled
the rest of the panel,

so I'll just let you do
the introductions, sir.

All right, Kermit,
thank you.

Well, I have asked two
of my culinary friends to join us tonight.

On your immediate right
is Pierre Lacouse,

one of the world's
great chefs.

(Lacouse) A pleasure.

(Price) And next to him
is Gorgon Heap,

one of the world's
great eaters.

Mmmaagh!

Yeah, I see.

Well, starting off now, Vincent,
what would you say

is the world's
most delicious dish?

Well, Kermit, you know,

haute cuisine
is so varied and wonderful

that is
a most difficult question,

but if I must choose
my favorite dish,

I would have to say
it is probably

escalope de veau
a l'estragon.

(groans)

It is delicious!

Vincent, I dislike it
for all France to disagree,

but for sheer magnificence,

nothing can compare
to gigot en épaule de pré-salé farci.

Oh, that is delicious.

He ate my rissolé.

Pierre, that is a fine dish,

provided that it is made
in exactly the same way

that it was prepared
by the great chef Escoffier.

Oh, he was delicious.

He ate my hat!

Uh, yes.

Listen, Pierre,

there's one thing
I've always wanted to ask you.

(growls)
Ah, oui.

But it's a little late now.

Uh, Vincent,
who is this guy, anyhow...?

Say, you look delicious.

Wait a second.
Get away from me, you hulking creep!

Vincent, can you
stop him, please?

Froggie,
you have to admit, you do look tasty.

Tune in next week
when our topic for discussion will be... Aah!

I know I'm a bit of a devil,

but I do love frogs' legs.

This show should be reported
to the Consumer Protection Agency.

Why?
The host was just consumed.

Don't count on it.

Hey, this is our box,
fella.

Let me see
your ticket stub.

(♪ tea dance music)

I'm going into
the moving business.

Really? Locally?

No, ghost to ghost.

(sighs) I'm simply starving.

Can't we stop for a bite?

Delighted, my dear.

That man
is absolutely batty.

Why do you say that?

Why don't we stop
and have a drink?

We can't.
Why not?

They don't serve
spirits here.

You know, my mother said

if I worked hard,
I could get ahead.

Oh, well, here it is.

(pop)
Ooh! Yes.

(♪ "I'm Looking Through You"
by Lennon and McCartney)

♪ I'm looking through you
Weee!

♪ Where did you go?
Hee-hee-hee-hee!

♪ I thought I knew you
Boo!

♪ What did I know?
Yeee!

♪ You don't look different,
but you have changed

♪ I'm looking through you

♪ You're not to blame

♪ Your lips are moving

♪ I cannot hear
Woo-woo-woo-woo!

♪ Your voice is soothing

♪ But the words aren't clear

♪ You don't sound different

♪ I've learned the game

♪ I'm looking through you

♪ You're not the same

(laughing and gibbering)

♪ Why, tell me why,
did you not treat me right?

♪ Love has a nasty habit
of disappearing overnight

♪ You're thinking of me

♪ The same old way

♪ You were above me

♪ But not today

♪ The only difference
is you're down there

♪ I'm looking through you

♪ And you're nowhere ♪

Boo!
Aah!

Vincent, I really thank you
for coming on this show tonight,

and so do
all the Muppet monsters.

Well, thank you, Kermit.
I never met a monster I didn't like.

I can believe it.

Hey, can I ask you
a question? Yes, of course.

In all the scary movies
you've done through the years,

well, you're always
turning into a vampire.

Well, how do you do that?

(laughing)

How do you do that?
That is so scary.

Well, Kermit, if you will
forgive the modesty,

that is perhaps the epitome
of the actor's craft.

You see, it takes
tremendous concentration,

years of physical
and emotional training

and enormous
mental exertion.

Do you understand?

Oh, sure.

Oh, well, some people
learn faster than others.

Aah!

By the way, I thought
your wife was coming tonight.

The old bat couldn't come.

Well, the rest of 'em
sure made it.

(all) Ahem.

Kermit.
Kermit.

Kermit.
Uh, what, what, what?

(all) When do we go on?

Listen, I'm sorry, fellas,
but there is no place for you in the show tonight.

But what about our big song?

Good grief. All right.
What big song?

What else?
(all) "Tea For Three."

Out, out, out!

(chuckles)
Who writes this stuff, anyway?

Who else?
The ghostwriter.

(eerie laughter)

Here is a Muppet news flash.

Our newsroom has been flooded
with calls today

reporting that furniture
all over town

has been turning into monsters.

Seven people
have allegedly been attacked

by a wandering pack of sofas
at the east edge of town.

A dining room table
set for eight

reportedly ate the eight
it was set for.

When contacted for comment,
Sheriff David Coles

assured Muppet News Central
that the rumor was false.

According to Coles,

there is no way
for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.

(growling)

Scientists
throughout the city

confirmed
that such an occurrence would be impossible...

(growling)

...inanimate objects cannot
turn into monsters. Still...

(growling)

...the mass hysteria
could be due

to what psychologists
are calling "furnophobia,"

a dread fear
of the rising prices of home furnishings.

The phenomena
does seem to relate

to the cost of living increase
during the past month.

But people are advised
to relax,

secure in the knowledge

that their furniture
will not turn into a monster.

And that's all tonight
from Muppet News.

Good night.

Rrawrr!

Boy, that last item
about furniture is ridiculous.

(chomping)
Aah!

This is ridiculous.
I can't find Hilda anywhere.

Oh, well. I guess I'll just
have to carry this stuff up myself.

Ooh, excuse me, Mr. Price.
Yes?

Can I give you a hand?
Oh, please.

(pop) Here.

That's my kind of joke.

(laughs)

Hey, guys, I hear
you're not gonna make it on the show tonight.

Kermit didn't like
our song. But it doesn't matter.

We got a new act.
Oh, yeah? Tell me what's the new act?

Well, you see,
I'm the straight man. I'm the comic.

And I'm the audience.
That way, no matter how bad we are...

(all)
...we'll always love us.

Yeah, like, say,
who was that lady I saw you with last night?

That was no lady,
that was a pawn shop sign.

(laughs)

We're a hit!
We're a hit! Yeah, we're superstars.

They love us!
So long, Fozzie.

That was
absolutely great.

I never thought I'd be jealous
of a guy with three heads.

Hmm. My youngest boy
is very interested in medicine.

Oh, he's a doctor?

No. A hospital.

Well, that just about brings
these strange proceedings to an end.

Let's have a special thanks
to our guest star

Mr. Vincent Price.

Hey, Vincent, you were
really super tonight.

Hey, let's give him
another hand.

Oh, no, Kermit.
Let me give you one, huh?

Will you cut that out?

We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show.

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

(gibbers and laughs)

Well, that's easy
for you to say.

(bum note)