The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 18 - Phyllis Diller - full transcript

It's The Muppet Show with our speciaI
guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!

# It's time to play the music

# It's time to light the lights

# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

# It's time to put on makeup

# It's time to dress up right

# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey! Did you hear the one about the
kangaroo who walked into a store,

and this hippopotamus comes
out and says to the kanga...

Hey, I wasn't finished!
- # To introduce our guest star

# That's what I'm here to do



# So it really makes me happy

# To introduce to you

Miss Phyllis Diller!

# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

# This is what we call

# The Muppet Show

Thank you, Oh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to The Muppet Show.

We've got a really terrific
show for you tonight,

with our super extra-speciaI
guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller,

Now, to get things started, we...

Excuse me, there seems
to be a frog on the stage,

There is supposed to
be a frog on the stage,



There is supposed to be a
bear back in the dressing room,

Oh, well, you see, see, I think you
just work too hard, frog of my heart,

So I thought I would
introduce the show this week,

OK, fine, You introduce the
show and I will pull the rope,

The ro... What rope?

Uh, the rope for the trapdoor,

The trap... Aah!

Now let's get things started on The
Muppet Show with some "Mississippi Mud,"

# When the sun goes down
and the tide goes out

# And the people gather round
and they all begin to shout

# Hey, hey, Uncle Dud

# It's a treat to beat your
feet on the Mississippi mud

# It's a treat to beat your
feet on the Mississippi mud

# What a dance do they do

# Lordy, how I'm telling you

# They don't need no band

# They keep time by
clapping their hands

# Just as happy as a
cow a-chewing on the cud

# When the people beat their
feet on the Mississippi mud

Ooh!

Ah-hah!

Uh-huh,

# When the sun goes down
and the tide goes out

# And the people gather round
and they all begin to shout

# Hey, hey, Uncle Dud

# It's a treat to beat your
feet on the Mississippi mud

# It's a treat to beat your
feet on the Mississippi mud

# What a dance do they do

# Lordy, how I'm telling you

# They don't need no band

# They keep time by
clapping their hands

# Just as happy as a
cow a-chewing on the cud

# When the people beat their feet,
when the people beat their feet

# When the people beat their
feet on the Mississippi mud

Ah-hah!

Bravo, oh, bravo!

WonderfuI, just wonderfuI,

How would you know? You're
not even facing the stage,

Why did you have to tell me?
I was having such a good time,

Yeah, great number,
Really good, Really good,

Very believable, Good
number, Great number,

Hey! Hey, who forgot
to wipe their feet?

I thought I told you
guys to wipe your feet?

Oh, that Miss Diller,
she is so wonderfuI,

Oh, nice lady, huh?
- Oh, yes, Scooter,

And so young-looking,

Scooter, just between you and me,

do you suppose Miss Diller
has had her face raised?

Huh? Oh, you mean lifted? Oh, sure,
yeah, She jokes about it all the time,

Ah, that's wonderfuI, A person should
stay young and dynamic as long as possible,

Mm,

Maybe I should consider that,
- Hmm?

After all, I am 35,

Hey, hey, is it possible Hilda's 35?

Only around the waist,

And now, a lady so wonderfully nutty

that she makes The Great Gonzo
seem like Sir Laurence Olivier,

Here she is, the zaniest of them
all, the one and only Phyllis Diller,

Say there, sailor, You new in town?

Do you make it a habit of
annoying beautifuI women?

Yes,

But since there are none around,
I'll go ahead and annoy you,

Why are you hounding me?

I'm a hound, What
should I do, people you?

Cut the comedy, I'm depressed,

Oh, Oh, I'm sorry, Hey,
let me buy you a drink,

I don't drink with strangers,

I'm Phyllis,
- I'm Rowlf,

I'll have a triple
cream soda on the rocks,

Say, you are depressed,

Oh, miss?

Uh, miss, two triple
cream sodas on the rocks,

Now, what's wrong?
- It's just that I'm such a loser,

Oh, I know what you mean, I am too,

Do you know, someone gave me
a beautifuI white mink stole,

Within a month, I had
developed black dandruff,

Oh, Oh, that is depressing,

But do you know that my fleas have started
wearing dog collars just to get rid of me?

Oh, I know the feeling, I was in the back
yard singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,"

It fell on me, I went to a taffy pull,

The taffy won,

I swear if I bought a new
hat, they'd canceI Easter,

Oh, you think that's bad?

Listen, I went to Hollywood and
fell in love with a movie star,

Lassie,

She left me for Francis
the Talking Mule,

I bought one of those expensive
new cars that goes from zero to 60

in three hours and 2 7 minutes,

I had to put it in low
to get off a wad of gum,

Hey, you think...
You think that's bad?

The first three months of my
life there was a newspaper strike,

OK, I went to the beauty parlor,
and the lady at the desk said:

"Madam, We do repairs,
not reclamations,"

So then I asked the hairdresser
what I should use on my hair,

He said, "A match,"

But you see, I was born ugly,

I have home movies of my
folks leaving the hospitaI

with sacks over their heads,

My father asked the doctor,
"Is it a boy or a girI?"

He said, "No,"

I tell you, Rowlf,
I'm just a born loser,

Aw, maybe, But you don't know what
it's like to live life as a dog,

Don't be so sure, fella,

Listen, I gotta go now,
- Hey, wait a minute, What's wrong?

I'm having too good a time, A girI
just can't be miserable in this dump,

Aw,

Listen, you should stick around, Phyllis,
Why, you and me could be rotten together,

Aw!

That was fantastic,
- What a performer she is,

Mm, What's her secret?
- What's her magic?

What's her name?
- You've forgotten too, huh?

Well, whoever she is, she's every
bit as funny as Phyllis Diller,

Who is?
- Uh, I forget,

Uh, me too,

Oh, good, Nobody is around,

Time for old Hilda
to become young Hilda,

Oh!

Everybody is going to be so surprised,

They won't even recognize
their old wardrobe mistress,

Hi, Hilda,

Hey, the opening number
costumes are downstairs,

Would you bring 'em up here, please?

And then again, I could be wrong,

Here's
a Muppet news flash,

Dateline, Mobile, Alabama,

Mrs, Beverly Shepherd has made
aviation history in this southern city,

Last week, Mrs, Shepherd
made a pair of wings,

strapped them to her body,
and flew to Dallas, Texas,

Here she is direct from
Texas to tell us the details,

Gosh! Am I really on TV?
- Yes, Mrs, Shepherd, you are,

Now can you tell us the details
of this astounding accomplishment?

What was so astounding?
It was so easy,

I just made my wings out of aluminum,
and I covered them with chicken feathers,

and then I fitted them
with straps for my arms,

Yes, yes, Go on,

Then I went out to the airport
and boarded a plane for Dallas,

What's the big deaI?

I'm sure I have no idea,

Oh, I'm so crazy about
you, I can't see straight,

Oh! Oh, I'm so goofy
about you, I can't eat,

Oh! Oh, I'm so much in love
with you I can't even sleep,

Oh, well, what should we do?
- Well, I, uh...

Check into a hospitaI, man,

Ah, Huh,

Finally good to get out of that box,
- Yeah, pay attention, I'm leading,

One, two, three, dip,
- Uh!

Oh, that's what I
don't like about him,

Huh? What?

He's always blowing his own horn,

Huh,

Wasn't that garlic
you had for dinner hot?

Are you kidding?

# Oh, lazybones

# Sleeping in the sun

# How you expect to get
your day's work done?

# Never get your day's work done

# Sleeping in the noonday sun

# Lazybones

# Sleeping in the shade

# How you expect to
get your cornmeaI made?

# Never get your cornmeaI made

# When you're sleeping
in the evening shade

Mmm, yeah,

Mmm,

# Oh, I say, lazybones

# Loafing through the day

# How you expect to make

# A dime that way?

# You're gonna never
make a dime that way

# Well, he never heard a word I said

Yeah,

Uh, oh, We're on, we're on,
- Oh,

Phyllis Diller, Well, hello,

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

Kermit said I could chat with you because,
well, we're both comedians, you know,

and frankly I think you are
the funniest person alive,

Yeah,
- Thank you,

I was wondering if you could
give me a few tips on comedy, hm?

Why, that's so nice of you, Fozzie,
Of course I'll give you a few tips,

Haaah hah ha!

"Of course I'll give you a
few tips," That's so funny!

Wait, wait,
- I love it,

Wait a minute, The first tip:
- What?

Don't laugh before I tell the joke,

Oh,
- Oh, this isn't gonna be easy,

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK,

I'll tell you what we need,
topics, Now, here's a topic,

Topics, topics,
- Fang is so cheap,

his idea of a deodorant is to
Scotch-tape a pine cone under each armpit,

That's a husband joke,
- I can't do that joke,

Why?
- I don't have a husband,

Well, how about a wife?
- No, no wife,

Well, make one up, They don't care,

What? But... I'm... I...

I couldn't do that, I couldn't
lie to the audience, I, I...

They love me, I love them, I
couldn't lie to the audience,

Well, you just did, You
told them you're a comedian,

Now, looky here, We've
got to find you a topic,

OK, Topic,
OK, - Uh-huh,

OK, You must live somewhere?
- Uh... Oh, yeah, I got this small apartment,

Terrific, Small apartment joke,
I live in an apartment so small,

the mice are hunchbacked,

No? No mice?
- No,

No, I got a mouse, but
he's not hunchbacked,

He's got the gout,

Oh, wait, wait, I understand now,
Wait, Oh, I see, OK, Here it goes,

You got it?
- Here we go, yeah,

I live in an apartment so
small, my mouse has the gout,

That's funny, It's funny,

It is funny,

Oh, please laugh,

Oh, please...

Fozzie, baby,
- What?

You're just gonna have to learn to lie,
- Oh, but why, Phyllis?

I'll tell you why, So in case
you don't make it as a comedian...

Yeah?
- ... at least you can go into politics,

Haaa!

Now, that's funny!

# Hugga wugga

# Hugga wugga

# Hugga wugga

# Hugga wugga

# Hug hugga wug wugga

# Wuggy buggy mugga mugga

# Wug bug wah

# Hugga wugga

# Piggy wiggy?

# Hugga wugga

# Hoogy woogy heeky hooky

- # Hugga wugga
- # Hugga wugga

- # Hugga wugga
- # Hugga wugga

- # Hug
- # Hugga

- # Wug
- # Wugga

- # Buggy
- # Buggy

- # Mugga
- # Mugga

# Wug wug wah

# You are my sunshine

# My only sunshine

# Hugga wugga

# You make me happy

# When skies are gray

# You'll never know, dear

# How much I love you

# Hugga wugga

# You are my sunshine

# My only sun...

#... shine

# Hugga wugga

# You make me happy

# Hug hugga wug wugga

# Buggy buggy mugga mugga

# Wug wug wah

# When skies are gray

Hugga wugga?

# You'll never know, dear

# How much I love you

Hugga wugga!

# Do not take my sunshine

# Away

# You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine

Why, you old fooI,
- What?

I'm not your son and
my name's not Shine,

And he calls me an old fooI?

# You make me happy
when skies are gray

Well, this time Miss Diller
has given me some beauty hints,

Now everybody will notice the change,

Hilda, Hilda, it is great,
The change is wonderfuI,

Oh, you like it, then?

Oh, sure, yeah, Those dressing room
towels have been dirty for a week,

It's wonderfuI that you changed them,

This means all-out war!

Dr, Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,

where the future is being made today,

Well, excitement is running
high here at the labs,

because today is the day we introduce
our new line of exploding hats,

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Ah,

Ah, Isn't that cunning, folks?

And, of course, for those who want
the daring double-barreled effect...

Exploding earmuffs,

Oh, whoopee, Well, there you have it,

These are the perfect companions
to the perenniaI favorite,

the Muppet self-destruct necktie,

So, that's all for now
from... uh... Muppet...

Hi, Phyllis, What you got there?

It's my new pocket camera, It
takes great pictures, You see there?

Oh, What are these pictures of?

Pockets,

And now,
"Veterinarian's Hospital. "

The continuing story of an orthopedic
surgeon who has gone to the dogs.

Dr, Bob? Dr, Bob?

Your next patient is ready,

Yes, yes, I was just
tending to an emergency,

A musician at the symphony
just fell through his harp,

Oh, Where is he now?

In rooms 9, 1 0, 1 1 and 1 2,

OK, Where's the next patient?
- Uh, he's right here, Dr, Bob,

Oh, Hmm,

Little fella, isn't he? Huh?

This is no patient, it's a loaf of bread,
- And a very sick one,

Good grief! It's talking bread,

Dr, Bob, what do you make of it?
- What else?

Toast!

And so, Dr. Bob has
discovered edible patients.

Tune in next week, when you
will hear Nurse Janice say.

Uh, Dr, Bob, Should I
prepare the anesthetic?

No, just stand by with the marmalade,

Gee, who is that? She is beautifuI,

Uh, excuse me, Miss, Can I help you?

Hello, darling,

Got any wardrobe work
for your old Hilda?

Hilda! Why... Why, you're beautifuI,

Thank you,

But you're so slim,
How... How do you do that?

Very tight
foundation garments,

Oh, Hilda, I just want you to
know that I think it's wonderfuI

that you want to look your best and to...

Oh, darn, My girdle had a blowout,

Oh, that's OK, Hilda, We
love you like you are anyhow,

Well, the old gray mare is
just what she used to be,

And now, featuring in concert
with our own Muppet orchestra,

Miss Phyllis Diller,

I'll find it,

Well, that's just about
it for another show,

We'd like to thank our speciaI
guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller!

Thank you, thank you, Kermit,

Oh, you're welcome,
you're welcome, Phyllis,

Would you do me a favor?
- For you, for you I would do anything,

Oh, how nice, Would you stand over
there, on the other side of me?

Uh, stand over here?
- Right over there,

Sure,
- Yes,

Is this OK?
- That's just perfect,

Hmm,

OK, Well, friends, as I say,
it's the end of the show now,

so thank you for joining
us, and join us next time

on The M... Aaaah!

Haaa!

See you next time on
The Muppet Show. Haaa!

Aaaah!

I loved it,

No! I hated it!