The Muppet Show (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 17 - Ben Vereen - full transcript
It's The Muppet Show,
with our special guest star,
Miss Phyllis Diller!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time
to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey! Did you hear the one
about the kangaroo
who walked into a store,
and this hippopotamus comes out
and says to the kanga...
Hey, I wasn't finished!
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Miss Phyllis Diller!
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(applause)
Thank you. Oh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome
to The Muppet Show.
We've got a really terrific show
for you tonight,
with our super,
extra-special guest star -
Miss Phyllis Diller.
Now, to get things
started, we...
Excuse me. There seems to be
a frog on the stage.
There is supposed to be
a frog on the stage.
There is supposed to be a bear
back in the dressing room.
Oh, well, you see,
I think you work too hard, frog of my heart,
so I thought
I would introduce the show this week.
OK, fine.
You introduce the show, and I will pull the rope.
The ro... What rope?
Uh, the rope
for the trapdoor.
The trap... Aah!
(crash)
Now let's get things started
on The Muppet Show
with some "Mississippi Mud."
(♪ "Mississippi Mud"
by James Cavanaugh and Harry Barris)
♪ When the sun goes down
and the tide goes out
♪ And the people gather 'round
and they all begin to shout
♪ Hey, hey, Uncle Dud
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud
♪ What a dance do they do
♪ Lordy, how I'm telling you
♪ They don't need no band
♪ They keep time
by clapping their hands
♪ Just as happy as a cow
a-chewing on the cud
♪ When the people
beat their feet on the Mississippi mud
Ooh!
Ah-hah!
Uh-huh.
♪ When the sun goes down
and the tide goes out
♪ And the people gather 'round
and they all begin to shout
♪ Hey, hey, Uncle Dud
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud
♪ What a dance do they do
♪ Lordy, how I'm telling you
♪ They don't need no band
♪ They keep time
by clapping their hands
♪ Just as happy as a cow
a-chewing on the cud
♪ When the people
beat their feet, when the people beat their feet
♪ When the people
beat their feet on the Mississippi mud ♪
Ah-hah!
(applause)
Bravo, oh, bravo!
Wonderful,
just wonderful.
How would you know? You're
not even facing the stage.
Why did you
have to tell me?
I was having
such a good time.
Yeah, great number.
Really good. Really good.
Very believable.
Good number. Great number.
Hey! Hey, who forgot
to wipe their feet?
I thought I told you guys
to wipe your feet.
Oh, that Miss Diller...
she is so wonderful.
Oh, nice lady, huh?
Oh, yes, Scooter.
And so young-looking.
Scooter, just between
you and me,
do you suppose Miss Diller
has had her face raised?
Oh, you mean lifted?
Oh, sure, yeah.
She jokes about it
all the time.
Ah, that's wonderful.
A person should stay
young and dynamic
as long as possible.
Mmm.
Maybe I should consider that.
Hmm?
After all, I am 35.
Hey, hey, is it possible
Hilda's 35?
Only around the waist.
And now, a lady
so wonderfully nutty
that she makes The Great Gonzo
seem like Sir Laurence Olivier.
Here she is,
the zaniest of them all,
the one and only
Phyllis Diller.
(Rowlf plays jazz piano)
Say there, sailor.
You new in town?
Do you make it a habit
of annoying beautiful women?
Yes.
But since there are none around,
I'll go ahead and annoy you.
Why are you hounding me?
I'm a hound.
What should I do, people you?
Cut the comedy.
I'm depressed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, let me buy you a drink.
I don't drink
with strangers.
I'm Phyllis.
I'm Rowlf.
I'll have
a triple cream soda on the rocks.
Say, you are depressed.
Oh, miss?
Uh, miss, two
triple cream sodas on the rocks.
Now, what's wrong?
It's just that
I'm such a loser.
Ah, I know what you mean.
I am, too.
Do you know someone gave me
a beautiful white mink stole?
Within a month,
I had developed black dandruff.
Oh. Oh, that is depressing.
But do you know that my fleas
have started wearing dog collars
just to get rid of me?
Oh, I know the feeling.
I was in the backyard singing
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
It fell on me.
I went to a taffy pull.
The taffy won.
I swear if I bought a new hat,
they'd cancel Easter.
Oh, you think that's bad?
Listen, I went to Hollywood
and fell in love
with a movie star - Lassie.
She left me for
Francis the Talking Mule.
I bought one of those
expensive new cars
that goes from zero to 60
in three hours and 27 minutes.
I had to put it in low
to get off a wad of gum.
Hey, you think...
you think that's bad?
The first
three months of my life, there was a newspaper strike.
OK.
I went to the beauty parlor, and the lady at the desk said,
"Madam, we do repairs,
not reclamations."
So then I asked the hairdresser
what I should use on my hair.
He said, "A match."
But, you see,
I was born ugly.
I have home movies of my folks
leaving the hospital
with sacks over their heads.
My father asked the doctor,
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
He said, "No."
I tell you, Rowlf,
I'm just a born loser.
Aw, maybe. But you
don't know what it's like to live life as a dog.
Don't be so sure, fella.
Listen, I gotta go now.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's wrong?
I'm having too good
a time. A girl just can't be miserable in this dump.
Aw. Listen, you should
stick around, Phyllis.
Why, you and me
could be rotten together.
Oh!
(plays piano)
That was fantastic.
What a performer she is.
Mmm, what's her secret?
What's her magic?
What's her name?
You've forgotten,
too, huh?
Well, whoever she is,
she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller.
Who is?
Uh, I forget.
Uh, me, too.
Oh, good. Nobody is around.
Time for old Hilda
to become young Hilda.
Oh! Everybody is going
to be so surprised.
They won't even recognize
their old wardrobe mistress.
Hi, Hilda.
Hey, the opening-number costumes
are downstairs.
Would you bring 'em
up here, please?
And then again,
I could be wrong.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline, Mobile, Alabama.
Mrs. Beverly Shepherd
has made aviation history
in this southern city.
Last week, Mrs. Shepherd
made a pair of wings,
strapped them to her body
and flew to Dallas, Texas.
Here she is direct from Texas
to tell us the details.
Gosh! Am I really on TV?
Yes, Mrs. Shepherd,
you are.
Now, can you tell us
the details of this astounding accomplishment?
What was so astounding?
It was so easy.
I just made my wings
out of aluminum,
and I covered them
with chicken feathers,
and then I fitted them
with straps for my arms.
Yes, yes. Go on.
Then I went out
to the airport
and boarded
a plane for Dallas.
What's the big deal?
I'm sure I have no idea.
(♪ tea dance music)
Oh, I'm so crazy about you,
I can't see straight.
Oh! Oh, I'm so goofy
about you, I can't eat.
Oh! Oh, I'm so much
in love with you, I can't even sleep.
Oh, well, what should we do?
Well, I, uh...
Check into a hospital, man.
Ah. Ah. Finally good
to get out of that box.
Yeah, pay attention.
I'm leading.
1, 2, 3, dip.
Uh!
Oh, that's what
I don't like about him.
Huh? What?
He's always blowing
his own horn.
Huh.
Wasn't that garlic
you had for dinner hot?
Are you kidding?
(♪ "Lazybones" by Johnny Mercer
and Hoagy Carmichael)
♪ Oh, lazybones
♪ Sleeping in the sun
♪ How you expect to get
your day's work done?
♪ Never get
your day's work done
♪ Sleeping
in the noonday sun
♪ Lazybones
♪ Sleeping in the shade
♪ How you expect to get
your cornmeal made?
♪ Never get
your cornmeal made
♪ When you're sleeping
in the evening shade
Mmm, yeah.
Mmm.
♪ Oh, I say, lazybones
♪ Loafing through the day
♪ How you expect to make
♪ A dime that way?
♪ You're gonna never
make a dime that way
♪ Well, he never heard
a word I said ♪
Yeah.
Uh, oh. We're on,
we're on. Oh.
Phyllis Diller. Well, hello.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Kermit said I could
chat with you because, well, we're both comedians, you know,
and frankly, I think you are
the funniest person alive.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I was wondering
if you could give me a few tips on comedy, hmm?
Why, that's so nice
of you, Fozzie. Of course I'll give you a few tips.
Haaah-hah-ha! "Of course
I'll give you a few tips." That's so funny!
Wait, wait.
I love it.
Wait a minute.
The first tip:
Don't laugh
before I tell the joke.
Oh, this isn't
gonna be easy.
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
I'll tell you what we need,
topics. Now, here's a topic.
Fang is so cheap,
his idea of a deodorant
is to Scotch-tape a pine cone
under each armpit.
That's a husband joke.
I can't do that joke.
Why?
I don't have a husband.
Well, how about a wife?
No, no wife.
Well, make one up.
They don't care.
What? But... I'm... I...
I couldn't do that.
I couldn't lie
to the audience. I-I...
They love me. I love them.
I couldn't lie to the audience.
Well, you just did.
You told them you're a comedian.
Now looky here. We've
got to find you a topic.
OK. Topic. OK.
Uh-huh.
OK. You must
live somewhere.
Uh... Oh, yeah, I got
this small apartment.
Terrific.
Small-apartment joke.
I live
in an apartment so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
No? No mice?
No. No, I got a mouse,
but he's not hunchbacked.
He's got the gout.
Oh, wait, wait.
I understand now. Wait. Oh, I see. OK. Here it goes.
You got it?
Here we go, yeah.
I live in an apartment so small,
my mouse has the gout.
That's funny. It's funny.
It is funny.
Oh, please laugh.
Oh, please...
Fozzie, baby.
What?
You're just gonna
have to learn to lie.
Oh, but why, Phyllis?
I'll tell you why.
So in case you don't make it as a comedian,
at least you can
go into politics.
Haaa! Now, that's funny!
(♪ funk)
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hug hugga wug wugga
♪ Wuggy buggy mugga mugga
♪ Wug bug wah
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Piggy wiggy?
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hoogy woogy heeky hooky
(explosion)
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hug
♪ Hugga
♪ Wug
♪ Wugga
♪ Buggy
♪ Buggy
♪ Mugga
♪ Mugga
♪ Wug wug wah
(music stops)
♪ You are my sunshine
♪ My only sunshine
(♪ funk)
♪ Hugga wugga
(music stops)
♪ You make me happy
(explosion)
♪ When skies are gray
(explosion)
(♪ funk)
(music stops)
♪ You'll never know,
dear
♪ How much I love you
(explosion)
(♪ funk)
♪ Hugga wugga
(music stops)
♪ You are my sunshine
♪ My only sun...
(explosion)
♪ ...shine
(♪ funk)
♪ Hugga wugga
(music stops)
♪ You make me happy
(explosion)
(♪ funk)
♪ Hug hugga wug wugga
♪ Buggy buggy mugga mugga
♪ Wug wug wah
(music stops)
(echoing)
♪ When skies are gray
Hugga wugga?
♪ You'll never know, dear
♪ How much I love you
Hugga wugga!
(explosion)
♪ Do not take my sunshine
♪ Away ♪
♪ You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine ♪
Why, you old fool.
What?
I'm not your son,
and my name's not Shine.
And he calls me
an old fool?
♪ You make me happy
when skies are gray ♪
Well, this time, Miss Diller
has given me some beauty hints.
Now everybody
will notice the change.
Hilda, Hilda, it is great.
The change is wonderful.
Oh, you like it, then?
Oh, sure, yeah.
Those dressing room towels have been dirty for a week.
It's wonderful
that you changed them.
This means all-out war!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,
where the future
is being made today.
Well, excitement is running high
here at the labs,
because
today is the day we introduce our new line of exploding hats.
Ooh! Oh! Oh!
Ah. (coughs)
Ah. Isn't that cunning, folks?
And, of course,
for those who want the daring
double-barreled effect...
Exploding earmuffs.
(squeals)
Oh, whoopee.
Well, there you have it.
These are the perfect companions
to the perennial favorite,
the Muppet
self-destruct necktie.
So, that's all for now
from... uh... Muppet.
Hi, Phyllis.
What you got there?
It's my new pocket camera.
It takes great pictures. You see there?
Oh. What are these
pictures of?
Pockets.
(man) And now,
Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story
of an orthopedic surgeon
who has gone to the dogs.
Dr. Bob? Dr. Bob?
Your next patient
is ready.
Yes, yes. I was just
tending to an emergency.
A musician at the symphony
just fell through his harp.
Oh. Where is he now?
In rooms 9, 10, 11 and 12.
OK. Where's
the next patient?
Uh, he's right here,
Dr. Bob.
Oh. Hmm. Little fella,
isn't he? Huh?
This is no patient.
It's a loaf of bread.
And a very sick one.
Good grief!
It's talking bread.
Dr. Bob, what do you
make of it?
What else? Toast!
(man) And so, Dr. Bob
has discovered edible patients.
(groans)
Tune in next week,
when you will hear Nurse Janice say,
Uh, Dr. Bob. Should I
prepare the anesthetic?
No. Just stand by
with the marmalade.
Gee, who is that?
She is beautiful.
Uh, excuse me, Miss.
Can I help you?
Hello, darling.
Got any wardrobe work
for your old Hilda?
Hilda! Why...
Why, you're beautiful.
Thank you.
But you're so slim.
How... How do you do that?
Very tight... (coughs)
...foundation garments.
Oh, Hilda,
I just want you to know
that I think it's wonderful
that you want to look your best and to...
(popping)
Oh, darn. My girdle
had a blowout.
Oh, that's OK, Hilda.
We love you like you are anyhow.
Well, the old gray mare
is just what she used to be.
And now, featuring in concert
with our own Muppet orchestra,
Miss Phyllis Diller.
(orchestra plays
"The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin)
(plays melody badly)
(plays melody badly)
(plays melody badly)
(Phyllis plays melody badly)
(plays the melody wrong)
I'll find it.
(plays melody right)
(plays the melody right)
(starts to play badly)
(plays the last note flat)
(tries to find the last note
and fails)
(gets stuck on one note)
(plays notes at random)
(plays the last note flat)
(finally plays
the last note)
Well, that's just about it
for another show.
We'd like to thank
our special guest star - Miss Phyllis Diller!
Thank you,
thank you, Kermit.
Oh, you're welcome,
you're welcome, Phyllis.
Would you do me a favor?
For you, for you,
I would do anything.
Oh, how nice. Would you
stand over there, on the other side of me?
Uh, stand over here?
Right over there.
Sure.
Yes.
Is this OK?
That's just perfect.
Hmm.
OK. Well, friends, as I say, it's the end of the show now,
so thank you for joining us,
and join us next time
on The M... Aaaah!
Haaa!
See you next time
on The Muppet Show. Haaa!
Aaaah!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
I loved it.
Oh! I hated it!
(bum note)
with our special guest star,
Miss Phyllis Diller!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
♪ It's time to play the music
♪ It's time
to light the lights
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup
♪ It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey! Did you hear the one
about the kangaroo
who walked into a store,
and this hippopotamus comes out
and says to the kanga...
Hey, I wasn't finished!
♪ To introduce our guest star
♪ That's what I'm here to do
♪ So it really makes me happy
♪ To introduce to you...
Miss Phyllis Diller!
♪ But now
let's get things started
♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call
♪ The Muppet Show ♪
(applause)
Thank you. Oh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome
to The Muppet Show.
We've got a really terrific show
for you tonight,
with our super,
extra-special guest star -
Miss Phyllis Diller.
Now, to get things
started, we...
Excuse me. There seems to be
a frog on the stage.
There is supposed to be
a frog on the stage.
There is supposed to be a bear
back in the dressing room.
Oh, well, you see,
I think you work too hard, frog of my heart,
so I thought
I would introduce the show this week.
OK, fine.
You introduce the show, and I will pull the rope.
The ro... What rope?
Uh, the rope
for the trapdoor.
The trap... Aah!
(crash)
Now let's get things started
on The Muppet Show
with some "Mississippi Mud."
(♪ "Mississippi Mud"
by James Cavanaugh and Harry Barris)
♪ When the sun goes down
and the tide goes out
♪ And the people gather 'round
and they all begin to shout
♪ Hey, hey, Uncle Dud
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud
♪ What a dance do they do
♪ Lordy, how I'm telling you
♪ They don't need no band
♪ They keep time
by clapping their hands
♪ Just as happy as a cow
a-chewing on the cud
♪ When the people
beat their feet on the Mississippi mud
Ooh!
Ah-hah!
Uh-huh.
♪ When the sun goes down
and the tide goes out
♪ And the people gather 'round
and they all begin to shout
♪ Hey, hey, Uncle Dud
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud
♪ It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud
♪ What a dance do they do
♪ Lordy, how I'm telling you
♪ They don't need no band
♪ They keep time
by clapping their hands
♪ Just as happy as a cow
a-chewing on the cud
♪ When the people
beat their feet, when the people beat their feet
♪ When the people
beat their feet on the Mississippi mud ♪
Ah-hah!
(applause)
Bravo, oh, bravo!
Wonderful,
just wonderful.
How would you know? You're
not even facing the stage.
Why did you
have to tell me?
I was having
such a good time.
Yeah, great number.
Really good. Really good.
Very believable.
Good number. Great number.
Hey! Hey, who forgot
to wipe their feet?
I thought I told you guys
to wipe your feet.
Oh, that Miss Diller...
she is so wonderful.
Oh, nice lady, huh?
Oh, yes, Scooter.
And so young-looking.
Scooter, just between
you and me,
do you suppose Miss Diller
has had her face raised?
Oh, you mean lifted?
Oh, sure, yeah.
She jokes about it
all the time.
Ah, that's wonderful.
A person should stay
young and dynamic
as long as possible.
Mmm.
Maybe I should consider that.
Hmm?
After all, I am 35.
Hey, hey, is it possible
Hilda's 35?
Only around the waist.
And now, a lady
so wonderfully nutty
that she makes The Great Gonzo
seem like Sir Laurence Olivier.
Here she is,
the zaniest of them all,
the one and only
Phyllis Diller.
(Rowlf plays jazz piano)
Say there, sailor.
You new in town?
Do you make it a habit
of annoying beautiful women?
Yes.
But since there are none around,
I'll go ahead and annoy you.
Why are you hounding me?
I'm a hound.
What should I do, people you?
Cut the comedy.
I'm depressed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, let me buy you a drink.
I don't drink
with strangers.
I'm Phyllis.
I'm Rowlf.
I'll have
a triple cream soda on the rocks.
Say, you are depressed.
Oh, miss?
Uh, miss, two
triple cream sodas on the rocks.
Now, what's wrong?
It's just that
I'm such a loser.
Ah, I know what you mean.
I am, too.
Do you know someone gave me
a beautiful white mink stole?
Within a month,
I had developed black dandruff.
Oh. Oh, that is depressing.
But do you know that my fleas
have started wearing dog collars
just to get rid of me?
Oh, I know the feeling.
I was in the backyard singing
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
It fell on me.
I went to a taffy pull.
The taffy won.
I swear if I bought a new hat,
they'd cancel Easter.
Oh, you think that's bad?
Listen, I went to Hollywood
and fell in love
with a movie star - Lassie.
She left me for
Francis the Talking Mule.
I bought one of those
expensive new cars
that goes from zero to 60
in three hours and 27 minutes.
I had to put it in low
to get off a wad of gum.
Hey, you think...
you think that's bad?
The first
three months of my life, there was a newspaper strike.
OK.
I went to the beauty parlor, and the lady at the desk said,
"Madam, we do repairs,
not reclamations."
So then I asked the hairdresser
what I should use on my hair.
He said, "A match."
But, you see,
I was born ugly.
I have home movies of my folks
leaving the hospital
with sacks over their heads.
My father asked the doctor,
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
He said, "No."
I tell you, Rowlf,
I'm just a born loser.
Aw, maybe. But you
don't know what it's like to live life as a dog.
Don't be so sure, fella.
Listen, I gotta go now.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's wrong?
I'm having too good
a time. A girl just can't be miserable in this dump.
Aw. Listen, you should
stick around, Phyllis.
Why, you and me
could be rotten together.
Oh!
(plays piano)
That was fantastic.
What a performer she is.
Mmm, what's her secret?
What's her magic?
What's her name?
You've forgotten,
too, huh?
Well, whoever she is,
she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller.
Who is?
Uh, I forget.
Uh, me, too.
Oh, good. Nobody is around.
Time for old Hilda
to become young Hilda.
Oh! Everybody is going
to be so surprised.
They won't even recognize
their old wardrobe mistress.
Hi, Hilda.
Hey, the opening-number costumes
are downstairs.
Would you bring 'em
up here, please?
And then again,
I could be wrong.
Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline, Mobile, Alabama.
Mrs. Beverly Shepherd
has made aviation history
in this southern city.
Last week, Mrs. Shepherd
made a pair of wings,
strapped them to her body
and flew to Dallas, Texas.
Here she is direct from Texas
to tell us the details.
Gosh! Am I really on TV?
Yes, Mrs. Shepherd,
you are.
Now, can you tell us
the details of this astounding accomplishment?
What was so astounding?
It was so easy.
I just made my wings
out of aluminum,
and I covered them
with chicken feathers,
and then I fitted them
with straps for my arms.
Yes, yes. Go on.
Then I went out
to the airport
and boarded
a plane for Dallas.
What's the big deal?
I'm sure I have no idea.
(♪ tea dance music)
Oh, I'm so crazy about you,
I can't see straight.
Oh! Oh, I'm so goofy
about you, I can't eat.
Oh! Oh, I'm so much
in love with you, I can't even sleep.
Oh, well, what should we do?
Well, I, uh...
Check into a hospital, man.
Ah. Ah. Finally good
to get out of that box.
Yeah, pay attention.
I'm leading.
1, 2, 3, dip.
Uh!
Oh, that's what
I don't like about him.
Huh? What?
He's always blowing
his own horn.
Huh.
Wasn't that garlic
you had for dinner hot?
Are you kidding?
(♪ "Lazybones" by Johnny Mercer
and Hoagy Carmichael)
♪ Oh, lazybones
♪ Sleeping in the sun
♪ How you expect to get
your day's work done?
♪ Never get
your day's work done
♪ Sleeping
in the noonday sun
♪ Lazybones
♪ Sleeping in the shade
♪ How you expect to get
your cornmeal made?
♪ Never get
your cornmeal made
♪ When you're sleeping
in the evening shade
Mmm, yeah.
Mmm.
♪ Oh, I say, lazybones
♪ Loafing through the day
♪ How you expect to make
♪ A dime that way?
♪ You're gonna never
make a dime that way
♪ Well, he never heard
a word I said ♪
Yeah.
Uh, oh. We're on,
we're on. Oh.
Phyllis Diller. Well, hello.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Kermit said I could
chat with you because, well, we're both comedians, you know,
and frankly, I think you are
the funniest person alive.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I was wondering
if you could give me a few tips on comedy, hmm?
Why, that's so nice
of you, Fozzie. Of course I'll give you a few tips.
Haaah-hah-ha! "Of course
I'll give you a few tips." That's so funny!
Wait, wait.
I love it.
Wait a minute.
The first tip:
Don't laugh
before I tell the joke.
Oh, this isn't
gonna be easy.
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
I'll tell you what we need,
topics. Now, here's a topic.
Fang is so cheap,
his idea of a deodorant
is to Scotch-tape a pine cone
under each armpit.
That's a husband joke.
I can't do that joke.
Why?
I don't have a husband.
Well, how about a wife?
No, no wife.
Well, make one up.
They don't care.
What? But... I'm... I...
I couldn't do that.
I couldn't lie
to the audience. I-I...
They love me. I love them.
I couldn't lie to the audience.
Well, you just did.
You told them you're a comedian.
Now looky here. We've
got to find you a topic.
OK. Topic. OK.
Uh-huh.
OK. You must
live somewhere.
Uh... Oh, yeah, I got
this small apartment.
Terrific.
Small-apartment joke.
I live
in an apartment so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
No? No mice?
No. No, I got a mouse,
but he's not hunchbacked.
He's got the gout.
Oh, wait, wait.
I understand now. Wait. Oh, I see. OK. Here it goes.
You got it?
Here we go, yeah.
I live in an apartment so small,
my mouse has the gout.
That's funny. It's funny.
It is funny.
Oh, please laugh.
Oh, please...
Fozzie, baby.
What?
You're just gonna
have to learn to lie.
Oh, but why, Phyllis?
I'll tell you why.
So in case you don't make it as a comedian,
at least you can
go into politics.
Haaa! Now, that's funny!
(♪ funk)
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hug hugga wug wugga
♪ Wuggy buggy mugga mugga
♪ Wug bug wah
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Piggy wiggy?
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hoogy woogy heeky hooky
(explosion)
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hugga wugga
♪ Hug
♪ Hugga
♪ Wug
♪ Wugga
♪ Buggy
♪ Buggy
♪ Mugga
♪ Mugga
♪ Wug wug wah
(music stops)
♪ You are my sunshine
♪ My only sunshine
(♪ funk)
♪ Hugga wugga
(music stops)
♪ You make me happy
(explosion)
♪ When skies are gray
(explosion)
(♪ funk)
(music stops)
♪ You'll never know,
dear
♪ How much I love you
(explosion)
(♪ funk)
♪ Hugga wugga
(music stops)
♪ You are my sunshine
♪ My only sun...
(explosion)
♪ ...shine
(♪ funk)
♪ Hugga wugga
(music stops)
♪ You make me happy
(explosion)
(♪ funk)
♪ Hug hugga wug wugga
♪ Buggy buggy mugga mugga
♪ Wug wug wah
(music stops)
(echoing)
♪ When skies are gray
Hugga wugga?
♪ You'll never know, dear
♪ How much I love you
Hugga wugga!
(explosion)
♪ Do not take my sunshine
♪ Away ♪
♪ You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine ♪
Why, you old fool.
What?
I'm not your son,
and my name's not Shine.
And he calls me
an old fool?
♪ You make me happy
when skies are gray ♪
Well, this time, Miss Diller
has given me some beauty hints.
Now everybody
will notice the change.
Hilda, Hilda, it is great.
The change is wonderful.
Oh, you like it, then?
Oh, sure, yeah.
Those dressing room towels have been dirty for a week.
It's wonderful
that you changed them.
This means all-out war!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
here at Muppet Labs,
where the future
is being made today.
Well, excitement is running high
here at the labs,
because
today is the day we introduce our new line of exploding hats.
Ooh! Oh! Oh!
Ah. (coughs)
Ah. Isn't that cunning, folks?
And, of course,
for those who want the daring
double-barreled effect...
Exploding earmuffs.
(squeals)
Oh, whoopee.
Well, there you have it.
These are the perfect companions
to the perennial favorite,
the Muppet
self-destruct necktie.
So, that's all for now
from... uh... Muppet.
Hi, Phyllis.
What you got there?
It's my new pocket camera.
It takes great pictures. You see there?
Oh. What are these
pictures of?
Pockets.
(man) And now,
Veterinarian's Hospital,
the continuing story
of an orthopedic surgeon
who has gone to the dogs.
Dr. Bob? Dr. Bob?
Your next patient
is ready.
Yes, yes. I was just
tending to an emergency.
A musician at the symphony
just fell through his harp.
Oh. Where is he now?
In rooms 9, 10, 11 and 12.
OK. Where's
the next patient?
Uh, he's right here,
Dr. Bob.
Oh. Hmm. Little fella,
isn't he? Huh?
This is no patient.
It's a loaf of bread.
And a very sick one.
Good grief!
It's talking bread.
Dr. Bob, what do you
make of it?
What else? Toast!
(man) And so, Dr. Bob
has discovered edible patients.
(groans)
Tune in next week,
when you will hear Nurse Janice say,
Uh, Dr. Bob. Should I
prepare the anesthetic?
No. Just stand by
with the marmalade.
Gee, who is that?
She is beautiful.
Uh, excuse me, Miss.
Can I help you?
Hello, darling.
Got any wardrobe work
for your old Hilda?
Hilda! Why...
Why, you're beautiful.
Thank you.
But you're so slim.
How... How do you do that?
Very tight... (coughs)
...foundation garments.
Oh, Hilda,
I just want you to know
that I think it's wonderful
that you want to look your best and to...
(popping)
Oh, darn. My girdle
had a blowout.
Oh, that's OK, Hilda.
We love you like you are anyhow.
Well, the old gray mare
is just what she used to be.
And now, featuring in concert
with our own Muppet orchestra,
Miss Phyllis Diller.
(orchestra plays
"The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin)
(plays melody badly)
(plays melody badly)
(plays melody badly)
(Phyllis plays melody badly)
(plays the melody wrong)
I'll find it.
(plays melody right)
(plays the melody right)
(starts to play badly)
(plays the last note flat)
(tries to find the last note
and fails)
(gets stuck on one note)
(plays notes at random)
(plays the last note flat)
(finally plays
the last note)
Well, that's just about it
for another show.
We'd like to thank
our special guest star - Miss Phyllis Diller!
Thank you,
thank you, Kermit.
Oh, you're welcome,
you're welcome, Phyllis.
Would you do me a favor?
For you, for you,
I would do anything.
Oh, how nice. Would you
stand over there, on the other side of me?
Uh, stand over here?
Right over there.
Sure.
Yes.
Is this OK?
That's just perfect.
Hmm.
OK. Well, friends, as I say, it's the end of the show now,
so thank you for joining us,
and join us next time
on The M... Aaaah!
Haaa!
See you next time
on The Muppet Show. Haaa!
Aaaah!
(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)
I loved it.
Oh! I hated it!
(bum note)