The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Monkee's Paw - full transcript

Back, back home

I’m goin’ down back, back

I’m goin’ home

I'm get go,
get go, get go back

Back, back in home.
Down, down, down...

Okay! You're hired.

Yay!

Yeah, thank you! Oh lovely!
Oh beautiful!

Wait!

That's lovely!

All I'm offering... is money.



- Yeah, money!
- Money! Oh!

Excuse me, Mr. Manager, but, but what
about me? Mendrek the Magician?

Society's darling, the
favorite of crowned heads,

a triumph at every fraternal
convention-ask any Odd Fellow!

You... you has-been!
You're fired!

- No!
- Get away from me!

No! But I've worked for you
for twelve years!

Yes, and what did you draw?
Flies! Horse flies at that!

You've ruined me! You call yourself
an entertainer? Back to the-what?

Now wait a minute,
wait a minute. Now hold it!

- Never mind! He's, this guy-
- Wait a minute, will ya please?

There's no reason to fight like that,
for crying out loud! [clears throat]

Now, this man's worked for
you for twelve years.

I mean, all he's doing is just,
uh, extending his hand to you.



You can't throw him out!

Who needs your pity?

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

The Monkees brought
to you by Kellogg's

K-E double L, O double good,

Kellogg's best to you

Ooh! Why, that's kind
of a drag, innit?

Yeah, what a bummer, man.

Um, hi.

Wh-what are you doing?
Looking down at me?

Laughing at an old man?

- No-
- No!

-we came to say we're sorry.

Don't be sorry. People don't
want to see magicians anymore.

They-they want to see reality
as it's shown to them on television.

Bleeech! What's that?

That's a very special monkey's paw;

it was given to me by a,
an old lama in Tibet.

Ooh! I think it's kinda groovy.

Oh, I remember it a-as if it was yesterday.

I was a young man, looking for the
secrets of the unknown in far Tibet.

I climbed to the heights of the highest
mountain in Tibet to see the High Lama.

The Lama was very surprised to see me.

Aaahh! Ahhhaha!
Ahh! Ah-Hey. Hey.

What are you doing up here?

You're some kind of complete nut,
come all the way up here!

It's cold and horrible and miserable
up here! What are you doing?

I have come, hand over hand,
foot over foot,

to reach the top of the mountain.

For real? Ooh, man, tell me how you did it;
I been trying to get down for twelve years.

All this horrible weather-
Cut off the snow!

Suddenly, it stopped snowing.

These people.

I... came all this way to, to,
to find the High Lama. Where is he?

Oh, well, I'm afraid you're out of luck;
he's out back, sleeping it off.

You don't mean!

Yeah, that's what I mean;
that's how he got his name.

However, I'm the Regular Lama,
if I can help you, you just call me Regular.

- Alright, Reg.
- Sure.

Here's my story.
It's a long and sad one.

- Wha?
- Listen carefully.

I-

It started ten thousand miles ago in
the Sahara desert overlooking a tree.

The golden maiden was high above
the ten thousand foot mountain.

As the trees shone down over
the valley, I walked for ten

thousand miles through burning dands
and seserts. Uh, sands and deserts.

[snores]

Reg? Reg?

Hm? What?

I was coming looking for the,
uh, Tibetan unknown secrets.

So?

I was looking for the un-unknown
secrets of Tibetan?

What?

I was looking for the Tibetan
secret unknowns?

Wha?

Don't you have something for me?

Yeah, I've got something for you.

I've got a summons right here
for trespassing; it's my property.

Guh!

But then, after much persuasion,
the Regular Lama broke down,

and he gave me the monkey's paw.

Well, after much persuasion,
I, the Regular Lama,

will break down and give you this.

It is a monkey's paw.
It'll grant you three wishes.

For me?!

Yes, for you. You're the only fool
I know deserves that kind of luck.

Boy, I bet this thing is priceless.

Oh, it is! It is! You can
have it for a quarter.

A quarter?

It is priceless; we've got a quarter.

Are you still here? I told you to clear out!
I don't want any bums hanging around here!

- He's not a bum!
- No, I'm not a bum!

Have you got a job?

You just fired him!

Alright, so he's a vagrant too.
Now, come on, get it outta here.

Ha ha ha ha.

Come on. Vamoose!
Scram! Blow! Beat it!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
He's not a vagrant, ya know why?

'Cause he's the proud
possessor of a quarter.

Oh, thank you.

Alright, so he's not a vagrant,
but he still has to go.

- Why?
- No peddlers allowed!

Hm. You're all heart.

Thank you. Come on! Out!
Vamoose! Scram! Beat it!

Well, that's show business.

Well, how can we pay our
dues unless we work?

- That the union?
- Yeah.

What'd he say?

He said we can't work
until we pay our dues.

And we can't pay our
dues until we work.

That's what I told him!

Well, what did he say?

Well, he said don't confuse me.

You know it's true that while
there is a great deal of moral purpose

on the side of the unions,
they do tend to want a stranglehold.

Well, there's gotta be
something we can do.

Man, I wish there was some way
that we could get that money.

Well, boys, I just came from the union;

they say you haven't paid
your dues in a long time.

We paid our dues the last job we had.

Oh, when was that?

It's been a long time.

I will pay your dues and then take
it out of your first week's salary.

Thank you! Oh, thank you.

Well, of course there'll have
to be a little kickback on the loan.

How much of a percentage?

- Good point.
- Good point.

About a hundred and forty-two percent.

Oh, if it's only a hundred
and forty-two percent?!

You're all heart.

Father, I'm very sorry
you lost the job.

Well, don't feel bad, daughter.
At least today,

I-I-I made a quarter. Hee hee. Yeah.

Father, where's the monkey's paw?

There's another one gone-the
monkey's paw.

Oh, I-I sold it today to one
of these long-haired weirdoes.

You know, high-heeled boots,
beads, bleh.

Don't you remember The Book of
Mystery said it was cursed?

Heh, if it was cursed and I got
rid of it, my luck'd change immediately.

Yeah, hello?
Yes, this is Mendrek...

A contest?
I win a million dollars?!

Honest, guys, I'm sure,
one hundred percent sure,

that this is a magical monkey's paw.
After all, it got us our union dues.

Yeah, but at an interest of a
hundred and forty-two percent.

Well, a hundred and thirty-seven
wouldn't have been too bad.

Well, what does a monkey's paw
know from interest rates? Heh heh.

Well, uh, let's see what it can
do for us now; I'm starving!

Oh, monkey paw, oh, monkey paw,

I wish for a spaghetti dinner
big enough to feed all four of us!

Well, I, uh, I didn't wish for
how it should be served.

Food!

Ooh, look at that spaghetti!

Sure, eat up, guys.

Mmm.

Beautiful.

One more wish...

Hey, Micky, will you come on, please?
And put that thing down. Weeeh!

Ey, Micky, you know you can't go on the
stage with that thing; it's ugly.

Yeah, I know, I know, Davy,
I got one more wish coming though.

Doe doe believer, sober saben...
you know, man,

you haven't talked about anything but that
paw since you've had it, man, not a thing.

Yeah, I know I'm really hung up on it,
man, I wish I could stop talking abou-

Now, here they are: The Monkees.

Hey! What's going on?

What, what do you mean, what's
going on? Nothing's going on.

Well, I know that, but what's he doing?

Well, he's doing his thing here,
that's pretty groovy,

that's heavy stuff he's
laying down there, you know.

Yeah!

Well, tell him to do his
thing on his own time!

On my time, he's supposed to be singing!

Well, well, he is singing!

Well, I don't hear anything!

Oh, hear something? Is that what you meant-?

Well, he's not singing with his voice;

he's singing with his feet!
Ha ha. His feet.

Right!

His feet! Right! His feet! Right!

Yeah, man! Dig those toes!
Feet, right!

Yeah, foot action!

Yeah, incredible, man, just outta sight!

What are you, crazy?
Nobody sings with their feet!

What do you mean, nobody si-of course
they sing with their feet.

I mean, uh, didn't ya ever hear of the
movie, uh, Young Man With a Corn?

Yeah, and how about Flat Foot
Floogie With a Floy Floy?

Anybody can sing; it's not everybody
can play their feet. No siree, bob.

But I hired a singer!

Go toe, go! Sock it to me, baby!

Ooh.

Heh! That's a pun! Heh heh! Heh heh!

Now he's triple toeing! Look at that!

Foot action!

Incredible, just incredible!
Very far out.

Hey, if you think that's good,
you oughta see him when

he takes off his shoes. It is
uptight, outta sight.

Well, I'll tell ya something.

If that young man isn't singing
by tomorrow morning, you're finished.

You're outta show business;
you'll never work in show business again.

We're in a lot of trouble.

Oh, Micky, come on. You can talk;
there's nothing wrong with your voice.

Are you kidding? Have you
ever heard him sing? Ah!

Micky, that paw has no magical
power whatsoever. You can talk, you know.

Nuts.

Come on, guys, let's talk this over.

We're gonna have to get our
heads together on this one.

- Right.
- Ow! Oh!

Now look, we've got no voice,
no job, and no rent.

Yeah, and the good times
can't last forever.

Oh.

You know, it all started when
Mendrek gave us that monkey's paw.

Right!

Let's go talk to him and see
what this is all about.

Let's do that.

Come on.

Yes, yes, I can give you three minutes...
but it will cost you three million dollars.

Hello...

Oh, the phones, answer the phones.

Hello?

Yes, the Taj Mahal would make
a lovely movie palace.

But I want the popcorn concession
too, you understand.

No, no, Mr. Carson, uh,
Mendrek wants you on his show.

No, man, he can't come...

Well, I don't care who you are,
he, uh, he can't come...

Well, because he don't
like barbecue, I guess...

I don't know...
hoo, what a pushy guy.

Ah, yeah, just a minute. Now, do
you wanna buy all of North America,

a piece of Tasmania, or vice-versa?

Yes.

Vice-versa. Right, buh-bye.

That's enough of my day.
Now, what can I do for you?

Well, uh, see what we came about was, uh,
because of this monkey's paw that you sold-

Why, uh, the phones! The phones!

I'm a very busy man, you know.
Answer the phones.

Uh...

Well, no, wait a minute!
There's a curse-

They ring all day long. I-no,
I'm a very busy man, you know.

Well, Mendrek was a great help.
What are we gonna do now?

Well, let's see, let's
analyze the situation...

Can't be that monkey's paw.

No.

What in the world could possibly
be stopping Micky from talking?

He's sick.

Yeah, he's sick.

That's right.

Right, and if somebody's sick,
what's the cure?

Chicken soup! Heh heh!

Chicken soup?

You know he hasn't said a
thing in twelve hours?

That's it! In twelve hours,
he forgot how to talk.

I mean, anybody can forget how
to talk in twelve hours.

Well, then it's simple; all we
do is teach him to talk!

How?

What did you say?

How!

Alright, now that we've
got this all down,

apple, kat, hare krishna,
legalize, wisdom, frodis,

and of course,
save the Texas prairie chicken,

we're going to our next
lesson which is speech.

Now Micky, I want you to repeat
after me, what is that?

It's a pencil. Right? Come on,
Mick, say it. Pencil. Pencil.

Come on, uh, look, um-

- Say pencil.
- Pen-pencil. Pencil. Pen-

Puh. Puh. Show him the P.

[popping Ps]

Pencil. Pencil. Oh, it's
no good. He won't be

able to sing tonight.
He can't even say "pencil"!

Do you suppose it has anything to
do with the fact that this is a crayon?

Now "crayon" I can say.

Come on, pencil.

Pencil. Try pencil.

He can't say anything but "crayon".

You know what? I think
it's a mental problem.

You can say that again.
Ha ha ha.

No, and where do you go if you
have a mental problem?

Well, you go to, uh, you know,
to the mental problem specialist.

So, you are unable to talk. So?
Speak up. What's the matter?

Cat got your tongue?

Well. We give you a little test.

Here. A test.

Now. What does that appear
to seem to be to you?

That looks exactly like
a bunch of flowers to me.

I am talking to him.

I'm, I'm sorry.

Heh. You're such a silly. This is
obviously a bunny and chicken. Ya. Now.

Looks like a tomato ketchup stain to me.

Seems you two came together.
That is a bunny and a chicken! Hm? Now!

It looks like a buncha birds
dancing to me, ya know.

You three should form a group!
It is a bunny and a chicken!

Well, wait a minute, there's no
need to get hostile about it.

Don't you give me that hostile stuff-I
hate you! It's a bunny and a chicken!

- I'm sorry, man...
- Looks like a buncha girls dancing!

- A bunny and a chicken!
- Like a bunch of flowers.

- A bunny and a chicken!
- Like a tomato ketchup stain.

- A bunny and a chicken!
- A buncha birds dancing.

A bunny and a chicken! Get up!
Get! Up! That! Is! a bunny and a chicken.

Whoa, hold, hold it, oops. Ey!

It is obviously a bunny!
And a chicken!

Did he learn how to sing yet?

Well, he didn't actually learn
how to sing yet, but, uh,

we incorporated his silence into
the act. It's bound to be a hit.

Well, here we are, drumming
up a little business. Ha ha.

A-ha. Say the magic word,
you get a hundred dollars.

You don't say the magic word,
you get two hundred dollars.

You give me three hundred dollars,
I tell you what the magic word is.

Good business.
That's good business.

Stop this! What do you
think you're doing?

I hired you to sing, not grow hair
and smoke cigars and honk the horn!

You're fired! You'll never work
in show business again, now get out!

Did you like it, did you like it?

[sighs]

The nerve of that guy throwing us
outta that place. How do you like that?

I don't like it a bit.

You know, I don't blame him myself.

Now who wants an act with a
fuzzy headed mute harpist,

an Italian with a weird looking felt hat,

and another guy with a long nose,
a mustache, and a smelly cigar.

You know, it's not commercial.
I wouldn't buy the act. I wouldn't buy it.

You're right, there's no
audience identification.

Man, the way our luck's
been running out,

I think we better go see Mendrek
and get this thing straightened out.

Gee, it's so quiet and everything
around here. Where are the phones?

Oh, I've given up all that, uh,
now that I've made my fortune.

I'm devoting my time now to helping
such poor unfortunates as yourself.

Oh, how refreshing.

Now, wh-what may I do for you?

Well, uh, you see, it's
this monkey's paw.

Ever since we've had it, man,
it's been nothing but bad luck.

[mouths "Yeah, it's been a bummer."]

He said "Yeah, it's been a bummer".

And, uh, one day, Micky wished
that he wouldn't talk,

and all of a sudden, he just stopped,
which is a stone drag.

Quit outright.

You poor unfortunate boy.

Perhaps in my climb for success,
I have been harsh on you.

Father, maybe The Book of Mystery
will tell us how to break the spell.

Oh, excellent idea. Y-y-you go with
her to The Book of Mystery,

and I'll, I'll take this pocket book
edition and work on the boy here.

Perhaps he, perhaps in that way,
we'll be able to break the spell.

- Let's hope so.
- Let's hope so.

- Let's hope so.
- We certain should hope so.

Let's hope so.

Come with me to the library.

Ah heh heh.

You've really become very
fond of that thing, haven't you?

[pants]

Ah, The Book of Mysteries.

Oh, it's a big book, innit?

Misers, mommies, monsters, mummies...

Miraculous... marvelous...
magnificent...

back to the book, heh heh.
Um, mummies, you say?

It's a very old method for
making a subject talk.

I don't think we're on
the right track.

I don't see why not, it-it-it works
in police stations all over the world.

Monkee's paw... Monkee's paw...
Monkee's paw...

Monkee's... you know,
I can't find it anywhere!

I think you spell "monkey" with a Y.

Oh, really? I always thought
you spelled it with two Es.

It says here, by the third
gong, you'll hear-

Ah! Stop it! Stop it!
I can't stand it!

See, I told ya!
It works!

I found it! I found the cure!
I found it!

Now, all we've got to do is find
someone to buy the paw back from Micky,

and the spell'll be broken.

Well, we've gotta sell it to
somebody who deserves it.

Huh, that means
somebody really nasty.

Offhand, I can't think
of anybody like that.

A-ha!

I just thought of somebody like that.

Mendrek! Why don't you call the
cops and get rid of these bums?

Ah, would you like a good
buy on a monkey's paw?

You can come back to work
for me tomorrow.

Oh, I don't work anymore;
I-I'm too rich.

Ah ha ha, very funny. It seems
like only yesterday you were a bum.

- Oh, it was yesterday.
- A vagrant.

Oh, we-why don't you buy the paw?
It only costs a quarter.

A quarter for that piece of junk?

Well, it has very special powers.

I can't think of anyone
who deserves it more.

Well, thanks! What kind of powers?
It better be good for a quarter.

Well, with that, you can
do all my tricks. Watch.

Girl, don't you know everytime
I see you smilin'?

Hurts so bad cause when
I see you, I start trying

Try everything to stop
but there's no denying

Falling in love with you
girl is just like dying

Ohh, don't walk away

Ohh, how can I make you stay,
don't turn away

I can still hear you saying those

Words that never were true
Spoken to help nobody but you

Words with lies inside

But small enough to hide till
your playin' was through

Girl don't you know we can
work it out with talkin'?

You won't turn around or
slow down your walking

I've given you everything
with kiss to seal it

You had to get your kicks
with tryin' to steal it

Now I'm standing here

Strange, strange voices in my ears,
I feel the tears

But all I can hear are those

Words that never were true
Spoken to help nobody but you

Words with lies inside

But small enough to hide till
your playin' was through

Oh, I'm standing here

Strange, strange voices in my ears,
I feel the tears

But all I can hear are those

Words that never were true
Spoken to help nobody but you

Words with lies inside

But small enough to hide till
your playin' was through

Words that never were true
Spoken to help nobody but you

Words with lies inside

But small enough to hide till
your playin...

That's incredible! I want it!
Give it to me!

Now, who needs you, you bum?

I'll become rich and famous!
I'll get everything that's coming to me.

Why don't you, uh,
go ahead and try it?

Okay, how does it work?

Well, you make a wish on it.

Alright, I wish for a million dollars!

Ha ha! Oh, ahahahaha, it works!
Ahahaha!

Are you the manager that just
wished for a million dollars?

Yeah, what do you want, ya bum?

I'm from Internal Revenue.

You're under arrest for not paying
taxes on this money. Come on, let's go.

Well, now, wait a minute,
couldn't we come to-

Oh, guys, it's so great to be able
to talk, you just can't understand.

Remember when you were
showing me the pencil?

It was not a pencil, it was a crayon,
I mean, it was a crayon-

That's right. That's right.
Marvelous, beautiful.

I don't have to use my feet
anymore, I can talk,

I just talk about anything
I want, talk about anything I want,

- it's the first time [gibberish]...
- Micky!

Well, that wraps
up another hilarious

thirty minute episode,
so this is Michael Nesmith.

And Peter Tork.

And David Jones.

And Micky Dolenz.

Saying...

Bl-l-lum.

Here we go, walking
down the street,

we have the funniest looks
from, everyone we meet...

DABA-DABA-DABA-DABA-DABA-DABA-DABA!

Thirty-nine.

We got take.
Everybody's in position.

Boys, in position.
Boys, you can be in position already.

Already in position.

Right, you're in position.
There.

And...

- Hello...
- Hello...

- Oh, we're the Monkees.
- [cuckoo] I hate these kids.

The hippie movement is dead.
It was buried

in San Francisco and has
been replaced by free men.

Now, that's Peter's movement.
He's got six people, so far.

Yeah, we're gonna form a country-

We all have our own little movements.

- called Belgravia.
- Yeah. I have a movement.

What about all these people who
are still walking around with

beads and long hair and flowers,
hey're not hippies anymore?

No. They're free people.

I have beads. I'm not a hippie.
Charlie bought me these.

- What's the difference between-
- You are too a hippie.

I don't have beads, and
I'm not a hippie, see?

You are too. You wear those
beads, you're a hippie.

You got long hair, you're a hippie.

Oh yeah. Don't hit me
with a stick, please.

It was done because,
um, of the bad publicity

the hippie movement
has been getting.

Now it's clear that, uh,
every time that, uh, you know, uh,

the hippies come up with something really
vital and intelligent and interesting,

uh, the establishment will take it over
and put down the people who originated it,

and, uh, you know, all these
psychedelic things that you see...

the very psychedelic things...

They say, they say,
"Turn on with... this".

To [cuckoo]. Turn on?

Now, what is this "turn on"?
They're taking over, you know-

- Yeah, that's right.
- What are they...

The hippie, hippie things.
The hippies are being hip.

The hippies are gonna
invent new words and...

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free