The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 18 - Monstrous Monkee Mash - full transcript

Gee Lorelei, when you said you lived by the
water, I didn't think you meant the swamp.

Heh heh heh...

Oh! Uh, would you hold
that for me, please?

Thank you. Ah hah...

Oh, what a very interesting
painting this is.

Oh! What's that?

That is my uncle.

Oh, really? How long had he been
dead when he posed for that picture?

[blows raspberry]

Oh! What's that?

I want to drink your blood!



A heh heh. This certainly is a
conversation piece, innit? Heh heh.

Davy Jones, there is something
I want to give you.

Uh, can't you wrap it up for me and,
uh, and give it to me at Christmas time?

Davy Jones, you're not really
afraid of me, are you?

No, it's just that somebody's doing a
pretty good job of faking it.

Uh, listen, uh, any time you
want to go romping in the sun,

fun and jumping, give me
a call. Ah ha!

Wait! One kiss, so that we will
have a remembrance of each other.

Oh, I'm sure I'll remember you,
Lorelei, without a kiss. Heh heh.

Ohh, ohh!...

What a kiss! I've never
felt this way before.

You fool! It is not my
kiss, but the magic necklace!

What a necklace! I've never
felt this way before.

Silence!



Excuse me.

Yes, yes!

He's a little short, but other
than that, a perfect specimen.

He will be Count Dracula reborn!

Count Dracula reborn!

Mwhaha! Mwhahahahaha!

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Who's that?
Who's that?

Don't do that!

- Who's that?
- Ahh! Who's that?

Will you guys please quit scaring
each other and turn on the light?

AHH!

Hey, listen, Davy should have
been back by now, guys; I'm scared.

Oh, don't worry; I've got a telephone
number where we can reach him. I'll call it.

Mwhahahahahaha!

[gasping]

I think Davy's in trouble;
we better go help him.

Right.

And once again, courageous American
youth leaps into the fore. Or five.

Here, drink this.

What is it?

This is only tomato juice.

Don't you meant tomoto juice?

Drink it!
To get you used to the color.

But in the matter of a few days,
you will be drinking blood!

- Blood? Bleh!
- Bleh?

- Bleh!
- Bleh!

I think we've got a hit.

You now have a genuine Dracula cape.
So fly, young Dracula, fly!

Oh! Oh! I'm flying!
Ah, ah, whoa, wah! Ooh.

Before I take off next time,
could you check

the tower for ground clearance,
please? Ah heh.

Don't worry, Pete; Davy's in
that castle, we'll find him.

Good.

Won't you come in?

On second thought, no!

Now wait a minute. Uh,
we're friends of Davy Jones.

Won't you come in?

On third thought, yes!

Mwa-ha! Mwaaaah.

Ha-ha ha-ha. Na-ha ha-ha.

Ohh. Hey-hey. Hey-hey-hey...

Hey, how come they keep you
down here in the basement

when they're allowed to
walk around upstairs?

[noises]

I don't wanna be catty, but
they're treating you like a dog!

[noises]

Come in, gentlemen, come in.
I bid you welcome.

Sure a nice place you have here.

And now if you will excuse us.
We have some work to do.

Uh, wh-where's Davy?

Uh, he drove into town.
He should be back soon.

Wonder what Davy would be doing
out on a night like this?

Yeah, without his umbrella.

You know, I don't know what
you guys are upset about.

Here we are in the home of some
perfectly awfully sweet people,

an ordinary man and his niece,

who just happen to keep
bats in the living room.

Ba-ba-bat?

Uh, lats in the bivi-uh, keep
bats in the-they just-doorb,

leeb, guh-carry bats in the-la
la luh-this is disgusting.

Ya!

Alright, good. Uh...

Would you like a
little bit bigger?

Peter-hm? No.

That was my medium scare.

No, do another one.

Would you like a louder one?

- A smaller one.
- A smaller one?

- Yeah.
- Ah!

Good.

I think I'll have a look around...

Hm. Instant portrait.
Not bad.

A Study into the Nature of the
Vampire by Count Sylvanius Blacula.

[gasps]
I've seen that face before.

"I've seen that face before."
What a dumb-dumb.

I know I've seen that face before.

I know I've seen that face be-I've

faced that scene before.
Oh! Faced that-! Oh-ho!

I think this boy's mind will
be perfect for the monster.

But why, uncle, why?

Because he hasn't a brain in his head.

This is a book here that tells
you how to be a vampire.

Me be a vampire?
I don't wanna be a vampire!

Why does it tell me to be a
vampire, Mike? Mike, why?

It's not you, it's everybody.

Ohh.

I want to drink your blood!

That's not at all nice to say.

I want to sip your blood!

Much better.

- Hey.
- Hm?

- Heeey.
- Ohh.

Ohh.

That's him. In the picture,
right there, that's him.

I thought I saw that
man at the front gate.

Yes.

I told Davy a thousand times, man:
stop hanging around with vampires!

I know.

Vampires?!

What a time to be caught
without a turtleneck!

Gaaah!

Shh. Sh.

What?

What are you whispering for?

I don't want anybody to hear our plans.

- Alright.
- Right.

Cut yourself?
Hopefully?

Now look, if the uncle comes back in...

Right.

Pretend that everything is ga-roovy.

Right.

Yeaah, baby.

Right.

Peter, you search the house.

No.

What do you mean "no"?

I might find something. And I'd rather stay
here where it's safe, with you, Michael.

Good boy, good boy.

I gotta hand you one thing, Pete.

What's that?

You have a great respect of fear.

You're right; it scares me to death.

- What?
- Fear does.

[sighs]

Go get the magic necklace.
The star of

Transylvania shall rise again...
Better composition.

Come on, Mick.
Come on, Mick, let's go.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

After all, what has Dracula
ever done for you?

All those pictures
you've made together.

Dracula Leaves, Dracula Returns.

You know, you've made over
thirty movies with him,

and you haven't even
got second billing.

[noises]

What you need is a good agent!
These people are exploiting you!

[noises]

What do you want, Wolfman,
what do you want?

He wants a better
percentage of the profits,

he wants cookouts on the weekends, and...
he wants to play his own music!

[noises]

It's a deal.

Oh.

Hello, Peter.

Ahh! Uh, bye, Lorelei.

Where are you going?
Don't you like me?

Oh, I, I like you fine. It's just
that I finished reading all these books!

My goodness! All six
hundred volumes?

Well, I took a speed-reading course.
So now if you'll excuse me, I-

I just love an educated man!

Hey, aren't you Davy's girl?

No, no!

Oh, well, heh heh...

What a kiss! I've never
felt this way before?

You fool! It was not my kiss,
but the magic necklace!

What a necklace! I've
never felt this way before.

Ahh! Don't do that.
You know I've got low blood pressure.

[noises]

Put him down Wolfman. The subject
must be used for the ultimate monster.

This one is a dumb-dumb, and we can

control every thought
that goes into his head.

[noises]

Put him down anyway!

[noises]

Don't make me use my
magical power on you.

[noises]

Fetch!

I love hot dogs!
Ah heh.

Quickly now, to the laboratory.

He will stay under my power
until the proper time.

Go. You too.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Ahh!
- Ohh!

The door, the door!

Ohh!

Ecch! Eww! Are you dirty!

Wow, what a-

Where'd you get that suit!

What a m-m-mess!

Yeck!

Out!

Uh, you stink!

Hoo, woo!

Ckkk! Uhh!

What?

I'm scared, I'm scared,
I'm scared, let's get out of here.

We can't leave now, man;
we haven't found Davy.

We can form a trio.

Na-come on, let's go
look in the library.

- Okay.
- You and me.

Peter!

He's gone!

Maybe we make it a duet?

No.

If you get lost, I'll be a single!

Bl-lu-lum!

♪ Here I come... ♪

Micky...

♪ Walking down the street... ♪

Micky...

♪ I get the funniest looks from ♪
♪ All the people I meet ♪

Micky...

♪ Hey, hey, I'm a Monkee ♪

Micky...

Okay, look. If anything happens,
we'll meet back at the library.

I got an idea. Let's go
back to the pad right now.

Yeah, Micky. Come on...

Hey Mick?

Yeah?

Do you hear footsteps?

No, but let's get out of here,
man; this isn't my kinda house.

Hey, wait a minute.
Oooh! A secret door!

A secret door!

Yeah, come on, follow me.

No, I don't wanna go-Mike!
Don't go in the secret door.

It's-ah, ah, it's, shouldn't go in a
secret door like that in this weird house.

You know, not, no telling what
ou'll run into, in this place.

You oughta get a hair cut;
they won't let you in Disneyland.

[noises]

Ahh! Ahh!

Rrrrah!

A-ha! A-ha! A-ha!
A-HA! Uh! Ohh! Hu!

Lorelei! I'm so glad I found you.
There's monsters out there.

Monsters?
What are we going to do?

Well, don't worry;
my middle name is Danger.

[noises]

Ahh! Of course, my last
name is Chicken. Ah-heh.

Ohh, I'll protect you!

What a kiss! I've never
felt this way before.

You fool! It is not my kiss,
but the magic necklace!

What a necklace! I've never
felt this way before.

Oh, shut up.
Wolfman, this one is yours.

[noises]

Ooh, wow!
Is it scary down here!

Boy, I'm glad you're with me, Mick.

I sure would be scared
if I was all alone.

Mick? Mick? Oh boy.

Micky?

Davy?

P-Peter?

Mike?

Eww! Ah, I didn't, ah,
[coughs] I'm s-I'm sorry.

Uh, I didn't know this,
uh, this was occupied.

The monster will live tonight!
Now listen, carefully.

Here's what we must do.
When the moon is full,

we shall take the one called
Peter to the underground crypt.

There we will also take the monster.

Then we shall transfer the brain
of the one into the body of the other.

And you know what we shall have?

Peter with a monster's brain!

Eh, no, you fool,
the other way around!

The monster in Peter's brain.
No-no no-no no-no.

Peter in the monster's brain.
No wait. Peter's brain in the monster!

Pardon me, do you have an eraser?

Now, the underground crypt at midnight.

At the height of the full moon!
Beautiful, beautiful! Beautiful, beautiful!

Monster's brain... underground
crypt... at midnight.

Well, I'm definitely getting
a little nervous.

Me too.

Yeah. They're gonna
turn me into Wolfman.

I don't know what you're
complaining about.

How'd you like to be a bat?
All they do is get in people's hair.

I wonder what it's gonna
be like to be a monster.

Bleh! Bleh!
I am Dracula the Bat!

Whoooa! [mumbles]

Hey Micky, can't you be a
little more articulate?

You dare to insult Wolfman?
Ahh!

One more word, and I will
bite you in the neck.

Oh.

Hey listen,
what happens to the girl,

you know, in movies,
where the girl goes through...

You want a girl?

...and the Dracula man
bites her in the neck...

- Wait, wait.
- Wait.

Ah-wooo! Ah-wooo!
Ah-wooo! Ah-ohh!

Oh oh, yeah yeah, yeah
yeah, y-yeah yeah.

They don't call me
Wolfman for nothing.

Yeah. Hey, someone's
coming, somebody's coming.

Don't be silly; this is
a fantasy sequence.

I see you are already dressed.

Well, you know.

Straighten up, Davy Jones;
you have much to be proud of.

What are you doing in here?
This is our fantasy!

Yeah, yeah, we're The Monkees! You see,
in every show, we do a fantasy sequence

where we romp around
and jump and do funny

things, and, and nobody
interrupts us-nobody!

It seems this show is different!

Now, lookit, I'm warning you.
Get out of our fantasy!

Ours!

In these fantasies, you say you
can do whatever you want. Is that so?

- Right?
- Right.

- Right, Micky?
- Yeaaah.

Then perhaps you try to take
off your monster make-up!

Mwa-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha...

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Of course I can get the make-up off.

I just pull it off and-Make-up?
Help me get this mask off and the gloves.

Props? Jack Williams? Make-up? Make-up?
Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

- Cut the scene.
- Cut that camera.

Print it, wrap!

We're through. We're leaving.

You are wrong, my friends,
to think this is fantasy.

This is reality. And you are
not in charge here.

I am! And I control you any time
I want to simply by thinking about it.

Wolfman!
Chain these two up.

[noises]

Lorelei, on to the operation.
The fantasy is over.

This is for keeps!
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha...

Ha-ha-ha.

[noises]

Ah! Ahh!

Oh!

Oh! Down boy, down. Steady, steady.
Give him some dog biscuits, Micky.

Quickly, Wolfman, quickly!
This way! Hurry, Wolfman!

Uh, uh, uh, I'm, uh, just
going to the next stop!

Hurry! Here we are in my
beautiful laboratory in my

beautiful castle in the dungeon
with the beautiful fake backdrop.

Ready to start.
There we have Frank and Stein.

Little joke. Now we start
the surgical transference.

Sorry!

Quick! My assistant!
Where is the Mummy Man?

Here I am, Mummy Man!

You are the Mummy Man?

Watch this... MUMMY!

[noises]

See that? Hah, hah. Mummy!

I'll buy that. Now we
begin the operation.

This is a scalpel.

No, it's not.

It's not?

No, that's not a scalpel;
that's a bone chisel.

What is it used for?

It's used to split!

Where are you go?

I'm gonna split.
Huh huh huh!

But you didn't tell
me what these were!

Mike, Mike, you've come to save us! Mike!
Thank you, thank you, oh great, Mike!

Ah, no problem. I'll have
you out-you know what?

You better get a haircut, man, they
won't let you in Disneyland like that, huh.

Uh...

That is a chisel? And all
the time I thought that

was the-that was no mummy!
That was a Monkee!

[noises]

He's probably gone to free the others!

But we still control the others!

That's right! We do control them!
With our thought waves! I'll fix him!

Oooh...

Oh, thank you, Mike.

Thank you, I can't tell you how
much I appreciate that, old buddy.

No problem, no problem. Help
each other out. That's it.

Oooh!

[noises]

He's really biting my hand, you know.

That's no way to show your
appreciation to Mike! Micky!

- Mike.
- Yes?

Oooh!

I want to drink your blood! Ahh!

Oooh! You know,
I think we got a hit!

Peter! Peter! Hey man, wake up!

At least we still have the monster...

It's Peter!
He took the wrong monster!

That means the real monster is with them!

Yes! But he's lifeless!

But the energizing switch is
here in the crypt, isn't it?

That's right! We can bring him
back to life from here!

You know something?
You're not such a bad kid.

Do you realize the last time
I did this, New York went out!

Let's see how clever they are with
the monster. He don't monkey around!

Sock it to me

Floatin' down the river
with a saturated liver

And I wish I could forgive her
But I do believe she meant it

When she told me to forget it
And I bet she will regret it

When they find me in the
morning wet and drowned

And the word gets 'round

Goin' down
Goin' down

Comin' up for air, it's pretty
stuffy under there there

I'd like to say I didn't care

But I forgot to leave a note
And it's so hard to stay a float

I'm soakin' wet without a boat

And I knew I should
have taken off my shoes

It's front page news

Goin' down
Goin' down

Hey, hey
Hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

I wish I had another drink
It wouldn't be so hard to sink

I should have taken time to think
Besides I got the picture straight

She must have had another date
I didn't need this extra weight

I wish that I could
see the way to shore

I don't want no more

Goin' down, I'm goin' down

And now I see the life I led
I slept it all away in bed

I should have learned
how to swim instead

And now it's really got me stumped

I can't believe I really jumped
I'd like to get my tummy pumped

I can't believe they drink
this stuff in town

This dirty brown, goin' down

Goin' down
I'm goin' down

Goin' down, hey, hey
I'm down

Goin' down
Goin' down

Goin' down
Goin' down

Goin' down

I wished I'd looked
before I leaped

I didn't know it was so deep

Been down so far I don't get wet

I haven't touched the bottom yet

This river scene is gettin' old

I'm hungry, sleepy, wet and cold

She told me to forget it nice

I should have taken her advice

I only want to go on home

I'd gladly leave that girl alone

What a way to spend the night

If I don't drown,
I'll die of fright

My pappy taught me how to float

But I can't swim a single note

He threw me in to teach me how

I stayed there floatin'
like a mama cow

And now I've floated
way downstream

Know this has to be a dream

If I could find my way to shore

I'd never, never do this anymore

I'll give you three,
I've been down nine

I'm goin' down just one more time

Goin' down
Goin' down

Goin' down
Goin' down

I'm goin' down
Goin' down

Goin' down
Goin' down

I'm goin' down

I'm goin' back home
Back home to my friends

Back under the warm
And I can do with it, too

I'm goin' home

Well, I read in the book where
it said that if the monsters are defeated,

they can't return for a thousand years.

- Oh yeah? What time is it?
- Come on.

Oh, that's a nice watch,
who bought you that?

Michael.

And I looked in the book,
and the only

monsters in there are Frankenstein,
Dracula, Wolfman, and the Mummy.

So there's no more monsters
as far as I can see.

Right.

AHH!

AHH! Ah! Look! Look! The, the
Invisible Man! The Invisible Man!

No, Peter, Peter, Peter, it's not

the Invisible Man, no,
it's just special effects.

Special effects?

There's wires holding the book up.

- Oh.
- Here, watch this.

- See?
- Ohh, ha ha.

Oh yeah?

Wires.
Little thin black wires.

Ah ha. Let me do that.
Let me do it.

Tinsel and fabric.

Oh!

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free