The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 17 - Monkees Watch Their Feet - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, this evening,
Raybert Productions and Screen Gems

with its usual lack of cooperation from
the National Broadcasting Company

is pleased to present this special report
from the Department of UFO Information.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Secretary of the

Department of UFO Information,
Mr. Pat Paulsen. Paulsen.

I come before these cameras tonight
to tell you that you and that we,

both human beings and
animals, are not alone.

At this very moment,
walking upon the face

of our Mother Earth are
aliens from outer space.

You may pooh-pooh this statement,
but I must say emphatically,

don't pooh-pooh it.
Day by day, there's



increasing evidence of the
alienation of our planet.

Many of us blame our leaders.
Many of our leaders blame us.

But the truth lies, as always,
beyond our reach.

We are being attacked
by outer space.

These invaders,
these aliens from outer space,

have cleverly-ly infiltrated our societies.

Preying mostly upon the innocence of our

youth because they know
they'll try anything.

I have for you a documented film report.

You see before you three average,
typical, young

American teenagers with
their own television series.

Hey, man, we'd better hurry up.
We've got to start practicing.

Keep your shirt on.

Yeah, keep your shirt on.



Keep my shirt on?
What happened?

Hey, listen, you know something?
You want to go to the gig unprepared?

Oh, not me. I wouldn't let
'em catch us with our pants down.

Gone maybe, but not down.

Micky, I thought you were
putting your clothes on.

Yeah, I did put my clothes on,
but my clothes took off.

Could it be my clothes
are putting me on?

This startling, startling, piece of
film fully illustrates my point.

Is this young man the world's
fastest exhibitionist?

Is this the work of an overly
amorous teenybopper?

Or is whet happened to
him beyond his control?

Certainly, if the intent was to be humorous,
it would have been funnier than that.

Unless it was a TV show.

No, this was a direct
assault from the cosmos.

He was under control of al-aliens.

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, the universe
is trying to move into your neighborhood.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

The Monkees brought
to you by Kellogg's

K-E double L, O double good,

Kellogg's best to you

Let us lake a closer look at what
has happened to this young man.

Micky, if it wasn't attached to
your body, you'd lose your head.

Don't listen to him, head! Stay there.
He's only kidding, head.

I'll admit it's kinda strange.
Stuff just can't disappear, can it?

Uh, did you guys see, uh
see one of my tom-toms?

- No.
- No.

- You didn't see?
- Nope.

Then it's gone! I was right!
It's disappearing.

My stuff's disappearing! I was right!

You now see the beginnings
of confusion.

It's a seed sown in our most
fertile ground: our youth.

This poor American teenaged millionaire,

deeply troubled by the
problems of growing up,

the vague longings awakening in his body,

the long vague awakenings of his mind.

We all go through that, but.

Twisted by a mechanistic world that moves
faster than the speed of sound,

tormented by a war he must fight
in a country thousands of miles away.

But surely, simple problems such as
these could not cause such confusion.

He is obvious-ob-obviously affected
by aliens from outer space.

We'd better initiate plan D.

What is plan D?

Disposal of Earthlings through the various
means of destruction at our command.

Here he comes, walking
down the beach.

Gets the funniest looks
from everyone he meets.

Feeling groovy.

The aliens have left a trail
of precious possessions

as the final step to
lead him to their lair.

The stocking was an oversight.

They bait the trap with his tom-tom.
Suddenly, the young man-

-finds himself in a
strange environment.

Gone are the psychedelic lights,
the ear shattering music,

the strangely painted
ritualistic dancers.

All of the good, solid, peaceful
things that to him means security and home.

They win his confidence with
small talk, the same way we do.

Zlotnik welcomes you.

I welcome Zlotnik. Who's Zlotnik?
Who's Zlotnik? Have you seen my tom-tom?

He's suspicious. These Earthlings
are not as dumb as we thought.

You've got a groovy pad here.

Groovy pad. Term meaning alien
spaceship, no doubt marked for destruction.

You know, if I didn't know better,
I'd swear this was an alien spaceship, huh.

Then they prey upon his youthful curiosity.

What does this handle
do-do-do-do-do-do-do?

Their most effective weapon is
one known as the duplicating process.

They try to recreate a robot
that looks exactly like a teenage boy.

Now for a perfect copy.
He'll soon be beside himself. Ha ha ha!

There! Ah!

They, by trial and error,
make a perfect replica

that can pass unnoticed
in the world outside.

Do-do...

Hm. It's closer, but it's
not quite him somehow.

Let's reduce the brain
tissue and lower the IQ.

Relentlessly pursuing their
goal, they try again.

A perfect copy!

While we question the Earthling,

the robot will take his
place and will spy for us.

Of course. Go out and spy on them.
Watch every move. Report back everything.

Surely you are now convinced of
the terrible danger we face,

but if further proof be necessary,
just look around you.

Whatever happened
to the good old days?

Perhaps you figure that
the more days that go by,

the more good old
days there are to miss.

That's tricky thinking
and not the answer.

Today is not a good old one,
because the aliens are causing

riots and crime waves, drug
addiction, unemployment, etcetera.

They want to put the blame on-

they want to put the blame on teenagers.

Take the war, for example.
Whose fault is it?

Certainly not our fault;
we're not fighting.

It must be those crazy kids; they're
the ones doing all the fighting.

But is it the kids' fault? Not entirely.
Mostly, it's the aliens.

Are we to be pushovers for the universe?

Let's show the cosmos what we're made of.

Now you can see the alien robot
looks and acts by and large-

Hey, there's Micky.
There's Micky.

-and it's friendly.

Hey, Micky, we've been looking
everywhere for you, man.

Hi, guys. I just got here.

However, it often has a
small physical flaw.

As in this case,
its feet are backwards.

Notice how his friends notice
this, but let it go.

You know, I've got a funny feeling
there's something different about Micky.

I've felt that way for years.

When recognizing a space
alien, never give

anyone the benefit of a doubt,
especially a friend.

Recognizing an alien is no easy task.
They have all the human qualities.

Greed, anger, hate.
So I'm not saying they're all bad.

They're falling for it. They
think he's the real Micky!

In this next scene,
the humans see the spaceship.

Hey, Micky, isn't that a
spaceship over there?

Notice the powerfully persuasive
argument of the space alien.

What does a spaceship look like?

Well, I don't know.
I never saw one before.

Then how do you know it
is a spaceship?

He's right, man. It's probably
some new drive-in.

The only way to recognize an alien
is to take note of strange behavior.

Take some notes on this next scene.

Hello, Zlotnik. I'm here in
enemy head-headquarters.

They have harmonic destructors
here, like we do on Zlotnik,

and when they use them, they make
terrible and-ah!-horrible sounds.

They also have insufferable
tortures here on Earth.

Whenever a pussycat cries,
they tear off its head.

- Definitely not.
- Then they holler in its ear.

Bye.

And then they put the head
back on the body;

I don't know how it
stays alive. And-

Micky? Micky, who were you
talking to just then?

No one.

Well, well, you're acting very
strange, you know.

I'm not acting strange. I'm
acting perfectly normal.

There is nothing strange about me.

Don't tear off that cat's head
again; I can't stand it.

Cat's head?

Micky, are you sure everything's okay?

Of course everything is okay, David.
What makes you think that anything is wrong?

Just make sure you feed it.

Feed it? Feed the-

Feed it, yeah. We'll give it
some milk. Milk. Right.

Yeah, right. Give it some milk.

- Don't touch her!
- Ah!

Take your hands off of her.

Uh, "her". Sure. Sure, Mick.
I'll get some milk from the lamp.

I'll g-I'll go and help him. Eh.

Hi, baby. How are you? What's a girl
like you doing in a place like this?

No, not you, Chief, I'm talking to this
beautiful Zlotnik girl here on Earth.

She's quite a dish. I can take
you away from all this, honey.

Micky, Micky. Micky,
are you sure you're alright?

Of course I'm alright.
Why do you ask?

Well, you were kissing
the refrigerator, you know.

You have to admit that's pretty strange.

Hm. You're right.
She wears too much makeup.

Micky, come and sit down, please.

Yeah, Micky. Just take a
little load off here.

Sit here, son. Oh.

Calling Zlotnik.
Calling Zlotnik.

He's going crazy.

They're being underhanded and devious.

They're using unfair practices.
They're spying on me!

I'm worried, man.

Nice kitty. Nice kitty.

Often, the attempts to destroy those who
are suspicious of the aliens are thwarted,

but even though the alien may
have a big thwart on his attempt,

he will try again and
again to carry out his

orders using increasingly
more subtle means.

Oh. Micky, what are you doing?

I am going to dispose of all of you.

Oh, that's good. For a minute,
I thought he was trying to get rid of us.

Dispose of us!
Oh, Micky!

- Micky!
- Ah!

We've got to do something
about Micky, man.

He's not the same funny person that's
always joking and jovial. He's a killer.

Ah!

Of course, that was an ugly scene,
brutal and violent.

I'm sorry you had to witness it.

But the truth is often ugly.

These young men in search of the truth
seek to analyze the strangeness

of their friend and find an
even greater truth.

The next scene.
It's truly ugly.

Let's check the list. Ready?

Silly grin.

Slouchy shoulders.

Total lack of muscles.

Knobbly knees.

Feet on backwards.

- Feet on-
- Feet on back-

Feet on backwards?

His feet are backwards.

No. My feet aren't on
backwards, yours are.

"My feet aren't backwards,
yours are." The arrogance.

Casting aspersion on
the feet God gave us.

Is nothing sacred to these aliens?
We pause for a commercial.

Gort baringa.
Gort baringa.

Klaatu barada nikto.
Klaatu barada nikto.

The phrase "hut verenga"
is of great importance.

Such phrases have controlled
whole generations.

For example, "Oh, you kid", "Hey, daddy-o",

and the more recent,
"Sock it to me, baby".

My name is Robby the Robot.

I've called this meeting, 'cause we
have a serious problem.

Either one of our ranks has his feet on
backwards, or he's not one of our ranks.

Ow! Mm! Ah! Mm! Ah! Mm!

That hurt!

He's not one of our ranks.

And who knows what
"hut verenga" might have led

to had it not been stopped
by the sudden realization

of the truth by those
young Americans and the

procedures they took to
defend their country?

Uh, we came here to report an
unidentified flying object.

Pay no attention.
Interoffice memo.

Well, you see, we saw this
spaceship on the beach.

This could be serious.

Was there a sign on the beach
that said, "No spaceships allowed"?

No, there wasn't.

- What'd you say?
- No, there wasn't!

Oh.

Then it's not as serious as I thought.

It's a Martian!

Spaceman, what are you
doing in this strange land?

It's not that his head's on backwards;
it's his feet that are on backwards.

Are you going to do something
about this or aren't you?

Are you willing to file
an official report?

- We are.
- Yes, we are.

Attention!

Official report!
Take three steps forward.

- May we?
- May we?

- You may.
- Thank you. One, two, three.

Take two steps back.

Why? Why?

You're standing on my foot.

Now, what made you think that
you saw a space alien?

Well, they had their feet
on backwards, you see.

Their feet were backwards
going that way.

That's preposterous.
People think ofttimes that

they see things that they
don't really see at all.

No, it's a figment of th-what are
you doing? What are you doing?

Quiet, you dirty space alien!

I'll break you for this!

Yes, our government's
position on certain matters-

-is unbelievable. Often,
the fight against the

aliens must be carried
out by the citizens alone.

Our last hope is to get some
information out of him.

Watch the brave way in which
these lads outwitted the aliens.

Now where's the real Micky?

I won't talk.

What are you doing on Earth?

I won't talk.

Now, where's the real Micky,
and what are doing on Earth,

and now don't say, "I won't talk".

I think you blew his mind.

These scenes speak for themselves.

I can see that all this questioning
is wearing you out.

Would you like a drink?

I don't drink; I rust easily.

Not even some soda?

Oh. Hey, I must have hit a nerve.

He's a robot or he's been
eating TV tubes.

Listen, he's a robot, and all those
people on that spaceship are robots too.

Yeah, but how do you get
a robot to talk?

Well, we could operate,
and maybe by

switching the wires,
we could find the real Micky.

What if it doesn't work?

Well, we'd have a pretty
groovy portable radio, ha ha.

Oh!

Okay, now you tell me
which wire connects

to your truth tube or else
I'll squirt you again.

I think it is this one.

Okay.

I am mankind's friend. Tender,
kind, and loving. Truthful to the end.

This is a recording.

That must've been my poetry tube.

Okay, now this is the last tube.

Micky is in the spaceship.
They are questioning him before we invade.

Oh. Well, they won't find
out much from Micky.

Why not?

Well, he doesn't know too much.

- Can we get into the spaceship?
- Yes.

- Can you take us there?
- Yes.

Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Nerbin on the hober gleebin,
and then the reeber soben...

So I said to this, um, reeber sober,
how are you doing, and he says, uh-

Klaatu barada nikto.

Hi, guys?

Hi, guys.

I recognize that handsome,
good looking, strong face.

Hey, we'd better get out of here
if it's the last thing we do alive.

Take a letter, keep on going

Where ever it is, she's goin', too.

Give her my autograph and tell her

It's been nice knowin' you.

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

She only sims to please
young celebraties

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

How can I love her,
when I just don't respect her?

When everthing is goin' my way,

She wants to be close at hand.

She moves to some
other doorway

When things don't go
the way she planned.

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

She only sims to please
young celebraties

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

It won't take much time
before I get her off my mind

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

She only sims to please
young celebraties

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

It won't take much time
before I get her off my mind

I'm sorry, guys, but I'm programmed to
automatically warn them and help them fight.

Well, that's okay.
Listen, I'd have done

the same thing if I was in
your shoes, uh, place.

You'd better leave now.
The spaceship is

programmed to return to
Zlotnik in five minutes.

Oh, we'd better go.
We'd better go.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, wouldn't you
like to come with us?

That's a good idea.

Thanks, guys. I'd like to, but I have
a little blender waiting for me on Zlotnik.

Ah.

Blender, aw.

That's cool. I can dig it.

Chhh.

♪ Got a date with a blender ♪

Don't, man. It's the
wrong song. Wrong song.

So there you have it.
The ugly truth.

Perhaps you are now
asking yourself the question:

how menacing are aliens
with backward feet?

It is not the b-it is not the
backward feet in themselves,

although, seen closeup, they're
quite ugly, that are the menace.

It is the implication of what backward
feet mean in a frontward feet society.

First of all, let us examine the phrase,
"Put your best foot forward".

Our-our entire society would be moving
into the past instead of the future.

Take the plight of the
ordinary shoe salesman,

who, in order to fit his customers,

will find himself bumping
constantly in-into the back...

of a chair.

Uptown being changed to downtown.
Downtown being changed to who knows where.

America, if you let this
menace into your midst,

you will not know whether
you are coming or going.

Doctors trying valiantly to get to
their patients will find themselves

stuck against their back wall
while trying to race out the door.

Plague and famine will spread
over the land.

All chiropodists will be
enlisted into the CIA.

In summation, let me say once more,
emphatically,

we are being attacked by outer space.

The time has come for us to stop
sticking our bayonets into each other,

and start sticking our
bayonets into space.

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free