The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 16 - Fairy Tale - full transcript

Once upon a time in the little
village of Avon-on-Calling,

there were four young men.
There was Mike.

Hi! I'm Mike, and
I'm the cobbler, heh.

And Davy.

Hi, I'm Davy, and
I'm the tailor, a-heh.

And Micky.

Hi! I'm Micky, and
I'm the innkeeper.

And Peter.

Hi, I'm Peter, and
I'm out of work.

The reason Peter was out of work
was because of the princess.

He was so in love with her he
couldn't concentrate on getting a job.



- Peter, Peter, listen.
- Huh?

You gotta stop dreaming
about that princess, man;

she's a high born monarch,
and you're not.

I can't help it, Michael,
for I love her so deeply

that I would cut off my
right arm to please her.

- Hark!
- Ooh!

Hark!

Heave, heave. Let's ho.
Ho, quickly horses!

Ho, dislodge your hooves!

The princess!

Help! Help! Here we are, stuck in
the mud in some filthy little town.

Help! What a bunch of
incompetents! Help!

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet



Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Ooh, wow! What a
great looking chick!

She's beautiful.

Harold, get me out of the mud,
will you please?

She's the most beautiful thing
I've ever laid eyes on!

Look at those sideburns,
and that body!

- Cool it, cool it, Mike, cool it.
- Mrph mrph mrph mrph!

Just a moment, ho,
quickly! Move, quickly!

See the horses try to
pull the carriage.

Heave! Ho!

I'm heaving!

Then ho a little!

Alright, I'm hoing!

Pull, horses! Pull this carriage
from out the mud in which it has lodged!

Oh, fair jewel of the east, I'll have
you out of here in just but a moment.

I knew we should have joined an
automobile club. Quickly! Heave!

- Yes.
- Ho!

Look, somebody better come
get me out of this mud.

Out of the mud! Mud, I-

Oh, fair princess! I have loved
you from afar lo these many moons.

May I carry you across the mud?

What? You carry me across the mud?
Ha ha! I'm a princess.

You're nothing but a lowly little peasant,
a wayward serf, the lowest of the low.

So you've heard of me.

I will honor your spine with
a walk across it. Down, peasant!

My spine thanks you.

Down!

There's a fifty cent toll
at the other end.

Shut up or I'll have you paved.

Except for official
traffic, of course.

Water the horses, dislodge the carriage,
find provisions, and clean the erasers.

My lady-

Harold, you better get this
carriage out of the mud!

'T-tis stuck very deep, my lady.

'Twill be a time before we can
leave this place again.

Oh, 'twill it now? Well,
if you don't get me

out of this filthy little
village in ten minutes,

I'm not gonna marry you;
what do you think of that?

Oh, wow, what a bummer.

Ye-open the door, creep.

A Romeo and Juliet, they're not.

Thy carriage, fair pearl.

Ooh. He's mean.

Very mean, very mean.

Peter, what are you lying down
there in the mud for? Get up!

Ah, innkeeper, ho!
Innkeeper! Innkeeper!

What ho, sire?

Grovel, grovel!

No, not grovel; it's concrete tile.

Meat, wine, creamed spinach,
and a surprise dessert.

Ah, but sire, this is but a poor inn;
we don't have such things.

Well, then send out for sandwiches.

Right, sandwiches, yeah.

See the knights eat food.

See them spill their food.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Now is our opportunity.

You'll take her to the
tower, you'll torture her,

you'll kill her, and then,
you'll stab yourself to death.

My princess! My princess!

My bridge! My bridge!

I have news.
The evil Harold is-

Ha ha! Ho! Ha ha! Ho!

Well, here I am again.

Victuals for thou, sweet princess.
Oh, glad to see you're back.

It's good to be back.

Food!

Oh-ho! My very favorite:
leftovers! Mm!

'Tis time we were away.

Hold it just a minute, buster.

Never-never let it be said that

a princess didn't reward a favor.

- What's this?
- It's junk.

I don't deserve it!

Yes, I'm hip, but wear it anyway;
it looks good on you.

Come, Harold, let's
awa-let's a-let's away.

Richard, let us away!

Horses, let us away!

Yeah, man, let's split! Plll.

Any more of this, and I'm gonna
get another princess to worship.

And he's gonna murder her in
the tower, a remote castle

protected by a scary forest and a
moat-moat and an impenetrable dragon.

A what kind of dragon?

A impenetrable dragon.

So, what you gonna do, Peter?

I'm gonna miss her when she's gone.

Hey, what about the locket?
You know, maybe if you, uh-

Ah, no, man, it's worthless;
it's made of tin.

Who called? Who called the
fairy of the locket?

Locket? Uh, I-uh, I-well,
I guess I did.

Well, call back later;
I was having my hair done. Bye.

Wait, wait, wait! You don't understand;

Princess Gwen, she's really
in trouble. She's in danger.

Gwen... Gwen. Oh! The one
that's always complaining?

Yeah, that's right.

The selfish, conceited, overbearing
one, oh, with the Texas accent?

That's the one.

Yeah, right!

Well, uh, let's do something;
she's got a lot on the ball.

Uh, you. You shall cut me a pair
of shoes that can scale high walls.

Shoes that will sc-that will scale...

You. You shall sew me a suit of
maille that nothing can penetrate.

I'll sue a soat, s-send you a suit
in the, in the mail, right.

Yeah. And you. You shall forge a kitchen

knife into a sword that
can cut through iron.

- Right, forge, yeah, right. Ha ha.
- Right.

What about me?

You shall collect unemployment
while your friends are working.

Then, when all is ready, you
shall take these magic things,

find your way to the tower,
and save the princess.

But remember, you must not drop,
or crush, or lose the locket.

Ah, 'cause it'll lose its magic, right!

- Way to go, Micky!
- Right.

No, 'cause I'll be killed,
stupid; it's my home.

♪ Magic locket ♪

And now, farewell!

Aha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, save your laughter, Harold.
Soon my friends will be here to save me.

Who will save you, Gwen? The nobles
hate you, the clergy hate you,

the vassals hate you,
and the serfs hate you.

So, who will save you? Who?
Who? Who? Hm hm.

Well, let me think. Who's left?

Why me? Why do I have to go
into the scary forest

and face the dragon and
save the princess?

I don't even like her anymore!

Don't even like her? Man,
that's the grooviest

looking chick I ever sawr!
With them side-

Cool it.

Peter, you're the only man left in the whole
kingdom that can face the fierce dragon,

go through the scary forest, and face the
vicious guards watching over the princess.

Me the only man? Why me
the-what about the army?

Ten thousand strong! What-

Peter! Don't make waves!

You've got him there,
boy, huh huh huh!

Tra-la tra-la tra-la
tra-la-la. Tra-la.

Who's that?

Tra-la-la, tra tra-la tra-la
tra-la tra-la-la.

- Hey.
- La-la, la-la la.

Hey.

- What?
- Who are you?

I'm Little Red Riding Hood, and I-I'm
gonna see my grandmother in the forest.

Oh, no! You can't go! The wolf's
already been to your grandma's,

and he-he's eaten her up, and he's
waiting to do the same thing to you!

Sure, kid, and the cow jumped
over the moon, ha ha.

Tra la-la la-la la-la.

Well, I guess maybe we shouldn't
have sent Peter up there.

Yeah, you may be right. I don't
know what we're gonna do now.

Let us seek a little bit of
comfort in our hour of sorrow.

Hark! That must be Hansel and Gretel.

Look! A gingerbread house all
made out of cookies and

candies and things! You think
we should eat some? I'm hungry.

Ah, I-I don't think so, Hansel.

Why not? Are you afraid a wicked
witch is gonna jump out of the

forest and turn us into gingerbread
men 'cause we ate her house?

No. It's just that sweets
make me break out.

Oh.

Aren't they sweet?

Man, you better get me out of here,
or you're in big trouble! Ahhhhh...

Horrible! The screaming, the yelling,
the raving-I-I can't take it anymore!

I know, I know!

So, when are we gonna start torturing her?

Hello there. Is anything the matter?

Hi. Plenty's the matter.
My name's Goldilocks,

and I'm so tired and hungry,

and I'm gonna go to that cottage
there and get something to eat.

Oh, hey, you better not do that, because
there's three bears live over there,

and if they find out that somebody's
sat in their chair and eaten

their porridge and slept in their
beds, they're gonna be very angry.

Oh, don't worry; nothing
can happen to me.

How come?

'Cause I'm a mean little girl.

Roar. Roar.
Roar. Roar. Roar.

I'm the dragon of the moat.
Roar.

I'm not afraid of you;
I have magic sword.

Oh, for goodness' sake!
Put that thing away!

I've had enough violence in
my life. I'm sick of it!

Oh, well, huh, that's refreshing.

Listen, I'll just
ask you a riddle.

If you can answer it,
I'll lower the drawbridge.

I'm not very good at riddles.

Are you better at
getting eaten? Ha ha ha ha!

What has two ears, two eyes,
and a very short life?

I don't know.

That's close enough.
Lower the drawbridge.

Lower the drawbridge!

Lower the drawbridge!

Lower the drawbridge!

Go in. Hurry up. Hurry up.
Go in. Hurry up.

He's all yours, Richard.
Ha ha ha ha.

♪ Magic locket ♪

♪ Clank clank ♪

Clank ♪

♪ Clank, clank ♪

♪ Magic locket ♪

That must be the tall tower
where the maiden lies languishing-

Yes, here I am.
Languish, languish.

- in a dim lit cell-
- This cell, it's so dimly lit.

With her spirit unbroken.

Man, you better get me out of here,
or you're in big trouble!

Languish, languish.
Tall cell. Dim lit.

Don't give up hope, Gwen!
I'm coming to save you!

Well, use the service entrance, peasant!

Princess, quickly, before
Harold and Richard get here.

I-we can away through the
window out to freedom!

Okay-wait a minute.
Out the window?

Oh, not a chance, buster;
I'm afraid of heights.

Oh, you have nothing to fear as long
as I have this magic locket.

Magic locket?

Yes, the one you gave me.

- I gave you that?
- Yeah.

I don't give anybody a magic locket.

- Huh?
- It was a loan. Give it back.

Wh-

Fork it over, buster.

Ha ha! Get them!
Grab them!

Why should we do that?
They're already in prison.

Do as I say, oaf!

I will protect you!
Ow!

My sword's stuck; give me the locket!

You're gonna fight them
with a magic locket?

You might as well do
a dance to spring.

No siree bob, baby,
the locket stays with me.

Come on, give me the locket!

Not on your life!

Ah, nothing-nothing that
you can do will save her.

So it seems.

I keep the locket.

And as for you, I have planned a
gruesome, tortuous, painful death.

You realize, of course, Harold,

that this means we're through.
Absolutely through.

Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!

Hey, town crier, baby, what's happening?

Peter, peasant of Tork,
has been caught trespassing

in knight Harold's estate
and will be executed.

- Ah!
- Executed? When?

It doesn't say; you'll have to
wait for the late edition.

Ooh, wow! We'll see you later,
town crier, baby!

Okay.

Eh! Keep your hands off of me!

I didn't do anything, I promise.

Eh! Letch!

Trudge, trudge.

Hold it. Man, we've been searching
for this castle for three days;

we're liable to get lost.

- No, we won't; I have a plan.
- What?

We'll split up, go in three
separate directions,

leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever
you go, and we'll follow them back.

What if the birds eat the crumbs?

Follow the birds.

- Hey, good thinking!
- Yeah.

Tra-la tra-lee tra-low,
tra-lum tra-lee tra-lee tra-lee-

Hi! Where you going?

I-I'm going to my grandmother's house.

You see, she's sick, and I got
some good things for her to eat.

- Oh, hey.
- What?

I just got a hunch that your
grandma's been eaten by a big bad wolf.

That's true. I know.

Well, so where're you going?

I'm going to my other
grandmother's. Aha.

- Oh.
- Tra-la, tra-lee tra-lee.

Help! Help!
Oh, help me, woodsman!

Oh, help me! The two bears are
chasing me from their house!

Two bears? I thought there
were three bears?

Yeah, well, the papa bear kinda
wanted me to hang around, heh.

Well, there's the castle they
said no man could get in alive.

- Oh boy.
- And now I know why.

Let's split, ah!

Hey. Hey! What do you think
they're really gonna do?

Well, they'd never
kill a real princess.

- Oh, heavens, no.
- No, that's ridiculous.

No, no, wouldn't kill me.

Must be some kind of a joke.

It's time to die.

So, let's laugh it up.

What has six eyes,
six ears, and a short life?

Three dumb peasants.

Hey, that's right!

- That's a good one.
- How did you know that? Wow!

Lower the drawbridge.

Lower the drawbridge!

Lower the drawbridge!

Outasite!

Thank you.

- Into the castle.
- Bye, we'll see ya.

Eh! Eh! Help!

Over the parapet!

Wah!

Goodbye, good riddance!

Wait a minute, you dingbat.
Who's gonna feed the goldfish?

- Oh! Peter!
- Battle! Hey!

- We are here to save you!
- Hey, Pete!

Micky, Davy, Pete-uh,
Mike! You've come!

Flee, flee in terror; this is no
place for a woman. This is man's work.

Eh! Ah! Eh! Eh!

Attack, attack!

Boffo!

Bango! Bam! Bam!

Bango!

Eh. Oh, it's certainly no
place for a woman. Eh!

And that one there!
And another hit in the armor!

Can you fight too?
I'm doing all the fighting here.

Hooray for Davy!

Peter! Peter!
What about the locket?

Hooray for Micky!

She made me give it back.

You're darn right I took
it back; it's my locket.

You know, basically,
I'm a very non-violent person.

Oh, really? That's very refreshing.

Oh.

Hooray for Peter!

Defending my honor, isn't that groovy?

Wham! Bam!

A bunch of long-haired weirdoes
and some vicious people.

He's winning! He's winning!

I'm losing! I'm losing!

Oh, alright. If you're gonna lose
the fight, here's the locket.

♪ Magic locket ♪

I give up.

If you give up, then,
then I give up too.

I give up.

Yay!

Yay! We won! We won!

Ooh, he won, he won.

Hooray for the good guys!

Little song here.
♪ Robin men ♪

♪ Robin men, riding
through the woods ♪

Boy, I'm sure am glad this
worked out this way;

you know, I could've
been wasted.

Well, you have kidnapped and threatened
to kill the woman that you were gonna marry.

I hope you have some sort
of an explanation.

I despise you.

I didn't ask for an
apology, stupid. And you.

You, my knight in shining armor.

By way of reward, I will grant
you any wish that your heart desires.

Anything?

Oh, anything at all.

Oh! What'll I ask for?

- Ask her to marry you!
- Right.

No, I-I couldn't.

Yeah, go ahead. Ask her
to marry you, man.

What groovy looking chick,
with a body like that-

- Hey, hey, cool it, cool it, cool it.
- I've never seen those sideburns-

Go on, ask her to marry you.

- I'm scared.
- "Come on".

- I'm too young to get married.
- "Don't..."

Oh, man, ha ha, that's funny.

- Princess?
- Yes?

Princess, will you marry me?

No, I won't marry you!

- You won't marry me?
- Of course not, man!

Why won't you marry-
Michael!

Yeah, I'm already married, man.

You know, Phyllis and Christian
and my little kids.

Oh.

Oh, wow, she's married,
man, what a bummer!

Oh!

Boy, it's a good thing
you thought of it.

Mm.

Well, that wraps up another
laugh riot. And this is...

Mike Nesmith.

Micky Dolenz.

And Peter Tork.

And Davy Jones.

And Micky Dolenz. Reminding you
to save the Texas prairie chicken.

Blu-lu-lum!

Blu-lu-lum!

♪ Here we come ♪
♪ Walking down the street ♪

♪ We get the funniest looks from ♪
♪ Everyone we meet ♪

We're talking about him
dressing up in-in the,

uh, princess show, as-as the-the-

Princess?

No, as the queen. The, uh,
the mother image. Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, as opposed to the father
image, right?

Right.

I'm twenty-four years old and
still just as spry as a chicken.

- Everybody pan.
- They already got him.

What do you think Christian's
reaction is gonna be?

- Ga goo gie ga.
- Same as a Jew, I should suppose.

What, uh... what's your son's
reaction gonna be?

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

That didn't make any sense at all.

'Course it did. He says what
would a Christian's reaction be.

- Oh ho ho! Oh!
- Same as a-

Let me ask you, how did you
feel about dressing up

as a princess and the hair
and the whole thing?

Well, I fail to recognize that
I really did that, you know.

Why, Michael?

Yeah, I refuse to accept that fact.

Ha ha. I played Gretel
very, uh, what's the word?

Gretel, I think,
is the word for it.

Very Gretel.

- Very Gretel indeed.
- Right.

Darkened rolling figures move

through prisms of no color.

Hand in hand,
they walk the night,

But never know each other.

Passioned pastel neon lights

light up the jeweled trav'ler

Who, lost in scenes of
smoke filled dreams,

Find questions, but no answers.

Startled eyes that sometimes

see phantasmagoric splendor

Pirouette down palsied paths

With pennies for the vendor.

Salvation's yours
for just the time

it takes to pay the dancer.

And once again such anxious men

Find questions, but no answers.

The night has gone and
taken it's infractions,

While saddened eyes hope
there will be a next one.

Sahara signs look down upon a

world that glitters glibly.

And mountain sides put arms

around The unsuspecting city.

Second hands that minds have

slowed are moving even faster

Toward bringing down
someone who's found

Find questions, but no answers.

Psychedelic.

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free