The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 20 - The Devil and Peter Tork - full transcript
Peter browses through a pawn shop owned by a mysterious man known as S. Zero. He meets Zero and the two chat about the varied instruments he is selling, Zero talking cryptically about the previous owners of the instruments. Peter then notices a harp and falls in love with the instrument even though he has never played the instrument before. When Peter says he would give anything for the harp, Zero makes a deal - Peter will sign a contract to own the harp and pay for it later. Peter happily signs and carries the harp home, and does not see when Zero makes a phone call to inform his home office that he - in reality The Prince Of Darkness - has purchased Peter's soul. Zero later appears at The Monkees' beach house and tells Peter he can play the harp; when the initially disbelieving Peter begins playing and finds he has great dexterity in doing so, Zero disappears and Micky, Mike, and Davy are left surprised at Peter's ability. The Monkees integrate the harp into their touring act and are an enormous success - until Zero returns and it is revealed that he is The Devil, who now wants Peter's soul by midnight, although Mike vows to take Zero to court over his contract, leading to a trial in Hades itself at which Peter must prove to a waiting gaggle of criminals that he can play the harp on his own, without the help of Zero.
Hello? Anybody home?
Oh!
Buying or selling?
Well, neither; just browsing.
Before the day is out, you
may be doing a little of both.
You have a lot of groovy
instruments here.
They represent the lives
of musicians who have
uh, shall we say,
fallen on bad times.
Don't they ever come
back to claim these?
You know how musicians are;
here today, gone tomorrow.
That's very true; I'm a musician,
and I'm here today myself.
Well, then! Look around.
A harp.
Oh, this is beautiful.
Ah! Look at that work.
Oh, this is fine. I've always
loved the harp.
I'm sure that when you
say "love", you mean
"need" or "desire"; no one
loves things anymore.
I do. I love this harp.
But I don't have any money.
What a pity.
I'd give anything for this harp.
Well, in that case.
Just sign this simple contract,
and the harp is yours.
Play now, pay later.
Sort of like consignment.
Exactly.
This is awfully kind of you.
This is himself.
Make a reservation for one.
I've just purchased the
soul of a Mr. Peter Tork.
Soul. Some say it's a man's
heart or spirit.
Certainly without it, we cannot survive,
for no man can live without love.
Here we come
Walkin' down the street
We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around
But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down
We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play
We're the young generation
And we've got something to say
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found
So you better get ready,
We may be comin' to your town
It's a beautiful harp, isn't it?
Yeah, it's a beautiful harp, and, uh,
beautiful music comes from beautiful harps.
Everyone I know loves a harp.
There's only one thing.
- Hm?
- You can't play the harp.
That's right, babe; you
better bring it back.
Hey guys? I guess you're right, Mike.
I-I can't play the harp.
Yeah, I-I know it's a drag, Pete,
but, uh, you'll be a whole lot better
if you'll just take it back.
Woo! You better cut down
on your smoking! Yuck!
- Who's this?
- That's Mike.
Who's this?
That's Mr. Zero; he's the one
who sold me the harp.
What do you need him for, now
that you have your harp?
Oh, well, you know, I do odd
jobs around here,
like I clean the kitchen,
or I sweep up and-
You won't need people like him anymore,
Peter. I can make you famous.
I'll see you guys later.
Now Peter, you can play.
Play, Peter.
I know this isn't a joke, because you
wouldn't joke about a thing like this
knowing how I feel about the harp,
'cause it would be a very cruel joke.
I'm not joking.
Play, Peter.
Yes, Peter,
I can make you famous.
Hey, Pete, that's, huh,
that's pretty good.
Yeah, uh-uh-uh, how'd you
learn to do that so fast?
Mr. Zero taught me-
he's gone.
Hey, I thought you were gonna
get rid of that thing.
No, wait, he's really into it.
But it takes up too much room!
Well, well, show him,
Pete, go ahead.
Yeah.
That's what I said, it's, uh, it's nice
to have a harp around the house. Heh heh.
You think it could work it into the act?
Extra! Extra! Read all
about it! Rock 'n' roll
group gains fame and fortune by
introducing harp into act!
Come on, Micky.
Man, everybody knows that
nobody in the world was
ever an overnight success.
Hello?
Harry's Booking Agency. I understand
you guys have a harp act?
A harp act?
Uh, you're right.
You're going to be an overnight success.
Uh-huh. Well, uh, thank you very much.
- Hm, that's a flash.
- What?
That we're going to be an
overnight success.
Keep playing Peter, I can't believe
all the mail that is coming in, man.
Another five hundred letters.
Oh boy, man, we've got
so many offers.
We've got one here from London,
Chicago, New York.
Peter.
Who's that? Is it that that,
uh, Zero guy?
Yeah, Smokey the Bear.
Well, Peter, are you pleased?
I like the music, Mr. Zero.
When I play the harp,
it makes people happy.
Of course, and the money is
unimportant, eh?
Now, there's one piece of
unfinished business yet to discuss.
- Ooh!
- The contract.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, uh,
the hitch, right?
Had to be a hitch. Ah.
Excuse me. Look at this.
Says... Peter... Peter! This is
a contract with the devil!
I'm so glad I don't have
to introduce myself.
It says you sold your soul...
I don't believe in devils.
Precisely why your soul is so
interesting; innocence is at a premium.
Come on, man; you're putting us on.
Uh, he's the, he's the devil.
He really is the devil.
Devil or not, he's a
rotten house guest.
Well, Peter, I think we'd better go.
You know, according to
the terms of the contract,
your soul must be turned
over by midnight.
Ooh!
Well, well, wait a minute;
it's only eight o'clock!
Just trying to beat the
crosstown traffic.
Yeah, alright, well, Peter wants
his other four hours, please, thank you.
Of course! Use all your time.
But remember, midnight.
Uh buh. Sorry, man, there's no...
Don't get too upset, Peter.
It might not be all that bad.
Ah, nah, of course not, man!
All those things you read about,
it couldn't be true.
It's okay, Pete.
I-it'll be alright.
Don't, don't worry.
We'll, we'll do something.
Fellas, I'm scared. I don't
want to go to h...
Salesman, where you gonna go sell
All of your goods today?
Salesman, gonna walk along the street
See friends along the way
Whoa, Salesman, with your wooden cart
That you push along while you walk
Hey, Salesman, got a little dog
Whose tail wags when you talk
You always wear a smile
Even though you gotta walk ten miles
Short lifespan,
good time salesman
Yep, yep, Salesman, walk along the street
Whether it's hot or cold
It's salesman, well, you work real hard
Till every pot is sold
Salesman, as the years go by
People changin' every day
Hey, Salesman, till the end of time
You'll be living in the same way
You always wear a smile
You're love it fast, and you live wild
Short lifespan,
but ain't life grand?
Copper kettles, different kinds of tin
There goes salesman,
and he's sailin' high again
You're sailin' so high (high)
You're sailin' so high (high)
You're sailin' so high, high, high
Oh, Salesman, where you gonna go sell
All of your goods today?
Yep, salesman, gonna
walk along the street
See friends along the way
Hey, salesman, with your wooden cart
That you push along while you walk
Hey, Salesman, with your secret goods
That you push while you talk
You always wear a smile
Even though you gotta walk
a hundred and ten miles
Short lifespan, but the
whole thing's grand
Ooh. So that's, uh, that's
what [cuckoo] is all about.
Yeah, [cuckoo] is pretty scary.
You know what's even more scary?
What?
You can't say [cuckoo] on television.
Now look. There's no reason to get
uptight. No reason to lose our senses.
We've gotta remember that we're
dealing with a cool, diabolical mind.
Thank you!
No, I'm talking about the devil.
Oh.
Don't worry, guys,
I've everything under control.
When he comes in that door,
I'm gonna take this
wooden stake and...
huh! Tickle his nose.
Are you ready, Peter?
Uh, no, no, he's not ready.
You see, he, uh, well,
he left his suit in the cleaners,
and he's not ready to go.
And not only that, he's got to write
a letter to his mother, haven't ya?
I have a million things to do.
Couldn't it be tomorrow?
Oh, I remember reading in the paper,
where, be, due to lack of interest,
tomorrow was canceled, so we'll
have to make it the day after tomorrow.
Don't worry, Peter;
you'll like it down below.
What about the fires?
People are always talking
about the fires.
You don't burn; all you feel
is a sense of depression.
Uh, wa-wait a minute, Mr. Zero.
I'd like to make a deal with you.
It doesn't really matter who you take.
Why don't you leave Peter
and take me instead?
My contract is with Peter!
No, no, you're not taking him,
he's staying here.
It's twelve o'clock,
Peter, time to go.
No, you can't have him, devil!
You can't have him! He's gonna stay here.
Peter, come along, Peter.
No, he can't leave!
Let go! Let go!
- Hey, wait-
- Come on, Peter!
No, Peter's ours,
and you can't have him!
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Couldn't you flip a coin,
and I'll go with the winner?
No, Peter, you're coming with us!
Wait a minute. We really can't
stop him if he has a contract.
Exactly.
That is, if your contract's good.
It's legal and valid.
Well, I don't think so, and I'm willing
to go to court to test it.
Why can't you young people just
accept the devil and be done with it?
We have, uh, ten more minutes
to go. We will convene a court.
Presiding over the court,
Judge Roy Bean.
Guilty!
Sometimes known as the hanging judge.
Hang 'em!
Now wait a minute!
The jury will consist of twelve
condemned men from Devil's Island.
You'll soon be one of us.
You'll soon be one of us.
Don't worry, Peter, heh heh.
It's, be like, kind of like joining a club.
Welcome to the club.
I wish they wouldn't do that.
Guilty!
I would like to call the first
witness, Billy the Kid.
Why do they call him the kid?
Well, because, he, he, uh, he
doesn't kid. Heh heh. Sorry. Heh.
No, it's okay.
Billy, remember we entered into a contract
in the year eighteen eighty-two.
I promised, in return for your soul,
to make you the most famous
gunfighter in the west, and did
I keep my part of the bargain?
You sure did. And I'll shoot the
first man who says you didn't.
Your witness.
Who'll take the first defense?
Oh, I don't know, why don't you take it?
- Ah, no-
- Let's choose for it.
Yeah, let's, uh, let's
choose fingers for it.
Uh, uh, the odd finger's it. Ready?
One, two, three!
Well, you have the odd finger, Mike.
Well, I don't see what's
so odd about my finger.
It's that it's just as
normal as everybody else.
You have the odd finger, Mike.
Well, I've seen my fingers around a lot.
You have the odd finger, Mike.
I've got the odd finger. I gotta
go talk to Billy Poo here, huh?
Say something, like, uh, well, Mr. Kid.
Uh, duh, that's just a
figure of speech. Ha ha.
Speak your peace.
It's gon' to be your last.
Now then, um, in eighteen eighty-two,
Mr. Zero promised to
make you the most famous gunfighter
in the west, did he not?
That's right.
Well, he did, and you are, and I don't think
there's really anything else to talk about.
You just pull your gun right out there,
and shoot people, and be famous.
Well, there's no sense in
antagonizing the jury.
You'll soon be one of us.
They look antagonized enough as it is.
Shall we close the case?
Your honor, I insist that the, uh,
prosecution call another witness.
On what grounds?
On the, uh, on the grounds, that, um,
the television show's not over, huh.
We have to, huh, have a little more.
How was that, was that pretty good?
Of course. Why not? I have many clients.
Don't worry; we'll get
him on the next witness.
I call to the stand Blackbeard the
Pirate, the scourge of the seas.
Ha ha ha ha.
Yo ho ho and a bottle o' rum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
- Ooh! That's me. It's me.
- Wait, Davy...
Davy, Davy...
Excuse me, Mr. Black, uh,
Mr. Beard, I was, uh...
Drink?
Oh, no, thank you.
What's your name, lad?
Um, David Jones.
So you want to go to sea, do ya?
Oh, no, I don't want to go to sea.
A ha, sure you do. The rough
sea makes rough men.
No, excuse me, Mr. Black, um.
I always did like young sailors with
the swell of the ocean in their veins.
Don't say swell.
The rocking motion of the waves.
Don't say rock.
The fresh salt sea air.
Don't say air, please. Ah!
Why've we stopped?
I get sick being still.
Was that a rough crossing.
Don't worry, Davy; we'll get
him on the next witness.
Yeah.
And, for my last witness,
Attila the Hun.
At last, a, uh, co-operative witness.
A big fella. Alright,
look. You go in there,
and you pin him down. Don't let
him get away on a point.
- No, baby.
- No.
- Won't let him go.
- Lawyer time!
Just like Inherit the Wind, boy.
Sure.
I'm gonna learn that.
- Inherit the Wind, sure.
- Go do it, Micky.
- Spencer Tracy, baby.
- You!
- Go!
- Alright.
Alright, Mr. Hun.
Uh, just as a point of clarification,
what year did you enter your
contract with the devil?
Ka-moe-sheen-ga-la!
H-ha-ba, ha-ba-so-mee-bo-goy-ya?
Ko-shee-mee-tee-lee.
Ha, ha. So-mee-guy, so-my-cha.
Wa-zoo-ma-la.
My-ga-so-mee, saw-mee-my-ka, goy-ya?!
Ka-zee-mee-tee-lee!
Ah-sha-mee! Kah-show-mee! Nye-wee-tah!
Nye-cha-duh-buh-cha!
Oh-so-mah-lah-tah! Ah-slah-mah-ta!
Wah-kah-chai-lah!
- What'd you say?
- I don't know!
The prosecution rests.
Then the defense will rest also. Hm.
Until what time would
you like to rest?
Until we think of something better. Hm.
I think we've heard enough!
We can pass sentence.
Wait a minute! Uh, the defense
would like to call its first witness.
And who is that?
Mr. Zero.
Why, I'd be only too happy
to take the stand.
Would you please raise your right hand
and put your left hand on the bible.
You must be joking.
Um, can I interest anybody in taking
a quick peek at this book here?
It's been on the best seller
list for many years.
We don't read.
Well, uh, you don't have to read the book.
Why don't we, we run the picture for you?
Three hours of glorious
color in a full wide
screen with stereophonic
sound and popcorn, hm.
My dear boy, I appeared in that picture.
The garden scene. I played the snake.
Now, uh, Mr. Zero.
Aside from these witnesses,
what else do you present as evidence?
This contract. In exchange for fame,
fortune, and the ability to play the harp,
I purchased Peter Tork's soul.
Is this your signature, Mr. Tork?
Don't call me mister; I'm just a kid.
Guilty!
Well, I say that that contract
is null and void, because in fact,
Mr. Zero, you didn't give Peter
anything in return for his soul.
I gave him fame and fortune.
Well, you gave him fame
and fortune, perhaps,
but Peter didn't want fame
and fortune, you see.
All Peter wanted was just his music.
He just wanted to play the harp, that's all.
I gave him the ability to play
the harp... in return for his soul.
You know, it was almost worth it.
No, you didn't give him the
ability to play the harp.
You see, you see, Peter loved
the harp, and he loved,
he loved the music that came from
the harp, and that was inside of him.
And, uh, it came...
um, it was...
the power of that love was inside of Peter.
I-it was in-inside of him from the first.
And it was that kind of power
that-that made Peter able to play the harp,
and, uh, you didn't have
anything to do with it at all.
Ha ha ha ha, ooh hoo ha ha ha ha!
Don't you understand what,
uh, what that means,
when you have that inside of you,
what, what, what comes out?
It... um, if you love music,
man, you can play music.
If, uh, people say well,
I can't carry a note,
I can't, I can't say, I can't sing,
I, I'm tone deaf.
But nobody's tone deaf, and if you
love music, then you can play music.
And all it takes is just love, because, uh,
because, baby, in the final analysis,
love is power.
That's where the power's at. And, and,
and you want to tell me
that you gave it to him,
but I know different,
because I'm a musician.
And, uh, well,
that's really all there is to that.
Love? Ho ho ho ho, ha ha ha ha!
Oh, you make me laugh! Ha ha ha.
There, I've taken the power away.
He's exactly as I found him.
There's your harp. See what
he can do with it now.
- Okay, go play the harp.
- Michael, I can't.
D-didn't you hear what I said to Zero, man?
Look. The power's inside you.
Nobody can give it to you;
nobody can take it away.
Now go play the harp.
Okay, Mike.
I declare the defendant...
not guilty!
Yay!
Ahh!
Yay!
Do you know "Melancholy Baby"?
Is all about the show.
Hober reeber sabasoben
Hobaseeba snick
Seeberraber hobosoben
What did you expect?
No time
(no time, no time at all)
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time, baby
(ahh-ahh)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
Runnin' from the risin'
heat to find a place to hide
The grass is always greener growin'
on the other side
No time
(no time, no time at all)
Got no time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time, baby
(ahh-ahh)
Got lots of better things to do
(No time, no time at all)
No time
(no time, no time at all)
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time, baby
(ahh-ahh)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
No time
(no time, no time at all)
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time, baby
(ahh-ahh)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
Try to tell the world
somehow of how I feel
Tell me what you said again,
I can't believe it's real
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time for you
(no time, no time at all)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
Andy, you're a dandy,
you don't seem to make no sense
Never mind the furthermore,
the plea is self-defence
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time for you
(no time, no time at all)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
Wow, I got no time
I got no time
I got no time for you
(no time, no time at all)
In this generation
In this lovin' time
In this generation
We will make the world shine
We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need
We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be
And what we have to be, is free
Love is understandin'
We gotta be free
Love is understandin'
We gotta be free
In this generation
Love is understandin'
Oh!
Buying or selling?
Well, neither; just browsing.
Before the day is out, you
may be doing a little of both.
You have a lot of groovy
instruments here.
They represent the lives
of musicians who have
uh, shall we say,
fallen on bad times.
Don't they ever come
back to claim these?
You know how musicians are;
here today, gone tomorrow.
That's very true; I'm a musician,
and I'm here today myself.
Well, then! Look around.
A harp.
Oh, this is beautiful.
Ah! Look at that work.
Oh, this is fine. I've always
loved the harp.
I'm sure that when you
say "love", you mean
"need" or "desire"; no one
loves things anymore.
I do. I love this harp.
But I don't have any money.
What a pity.
I'd give anything for this harp.
Well, in that case.
Just sign this simple contract,
and the harp is yours.
Play now, pay later.
Sort of like consignment.
Exactly.
This is awfully kind of you.
This is himself.
Make a reservation for one.
I've just purchased the
soul of a Mr. Peter Tork.
Soul. Some say it's a man's
heart or spirit.
Certainly without it, we cannot survive,
for no man can live without love.
Here we come
Walkin' down the street
We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around
But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down
We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play
We're the young generation
And we've got something to say
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found
So you better get ready,
We may be comin' to your town
It's a beautiful harp, isn't it?
Yeah, it's a beautiful harp, and, uh,
beautiful music comes from beautiful harps.
Everyone I know loves a harp.
There's only one thing.
- Hm?
- You can't play the harp.
That's right, babe; you
better bring it back.
Hey guys? I guess you're right, Mike.
I-I can't play the harp.
Yeah, I-I know it's a drag, Pete,
but, uh, you'll be a whole lot better
if you'll just take it back.
Woo! You better cut down
on your smoking! Yuck!
- Who's this?
- That's Mike.
Who's this?
That's Mr. Zero; he's the one
who sold me the harp.
What do you need him for, now
that you have your harp?
Oh, well, you know, I do odd
jobs around here,
like I clean the kitchen,
or I sweep up and-
You won't need people like him anymore,
Peter. I can make you famous.
I'll see you guys later.
Now Peter, you can play.
Play, Peter.
I know this isn't a joke, because you
wouldn't joke about a thing like this
knowing how I feel about the harp,
'cause it would be a very cruel joke.
I'm not joking.
Play, Peter.
Yes, Peter,
I can make you famous.
Hey, Pete, that's, huh,
that's pretty good.
Yeah, uh-uh-uh, how'd you
learn to do that so fast?
Mr. Zero taught me-
he's gone.
Hey, I thought you were gonna
get rid of that thing.
No, wait, he's really into it.
But it takes up too much room!
Well, well, show him,
Pete, go ahead.
Yeah.
That's what I said, it's, uh, it's nice
to have a harp around the house. Heh heh.
You think it could work it into the act?
Extra! Extra! Read all
about it! Rock 'n' roll
group gains fame and fortune by
introducing harp into act!
Come on, Micky.
Man, everybody knows that
nobody in the world was
ever an overnight success.
Hello?
Harry's Booking Agency. I understand
you guys have a harp act?
A harp act?
Uh, you're right.
You're going to be an overnight success.
Uh-huh. Well, uh, thank you very much.
- Hm, that's a flash.
- What?
That we're going to be an
overnight success.
Keep playing Peter, I can't believe
all the mail that is coming in, man.
Another five hundred letters.
Oh boy, man, we've got
so many offers.
We've got one here from London,
Chicago, New York.
Peter.
Who's that? Is it that that,
uh, Zero guy?
Yeah, Smokey the Bear.
Well, Peter, are you pleased?
I like the music, Mr. Zero.
When I play the harp,
it makes people happy.
Of course, and the money is
unimportant, eh?
Now, there's one piece of
unfinished business yet to discuss.
- Ooh!
- The contract.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, uh,
the hitch, right?
Had to be a hitch. Ah.
Excuse me. Look at this.
Says... Peter... Peter! This is
a contract with the devil!
I'm so glad I don't have
to introduce myself.
It says you sold your soul...
I don't believe in devils.
Precisely why your soul is so
interesting; innocence is at a premium.
Come on, man; you're putting us on.
Uh, he's the, he's the devil.
He really is the devil.
Devil or not, he's a
rotten house guest.
Well, Peter, I think we'd better go.
You know, according to
the terms of the contract,
your soul must be turned
over by midnight.
Ooh!
Well, well, wait a minute;
it's only eight o'clock!
Just trying to beat the
crosstown traffic.
Yeah, alright, well, Peter wants
his other four hours, please, thank you.
Of course! Use all your time.
But remember, midnight.
Uh buh. Sorry, man, there's no...
Don't get too upset, Peter.
It might not be all that bad.
Ah, nah, of course not, man!
All those things you read about,
it couldn't be true.
It's okay, Pete.
I-it'll be alright.
Don't, don't worry.
We'll, we'll do something.
Fellas, I'm scared. I don't
want to go to h...
Salesman, where you gonna go sell
All of your goods today?
Salesman, gonna walk along the street
See friends along the way
Whoa, Salesman, with your wooden cart
That you push along while you walk
Hey, Salesman, got a little dog
Whose tail wags when you talk
You always wear a smile
Even though you gotta walk ten miles
Short lifespan,
good time salesman
Yep, yep, Salesman, walk along the street
Whether it's hot or cold
It's salesman, well, you work real hard
Till every pot is sold
Salesman, as the years go by
People changin' every day
Hey, Salesman, till the end of time
You'll be living in the same way
You always wear a smile
You're love it fast, and you live wild
Short lifespan,
but ain't life grand?
Copper kettles, different kinds of tin
There goes salesman,
and he's sailin' high again
You're sailin' so high (high)
You're sailin' so high (high)
You're sailin' so high, high, high
Oh, Salesman, where you gonna go sell
All of your goods today?
Yep, salesman, gonna
walk along the street
See friends along the way
Hey, salesman, with your wooden cart
That you push along while you walk
Hey, Salesman, with your secret goods
That you push while you talk
You always wear a smile
Even though you gotta walk
a hundred and ten miles
Short lifespan, but the
whole thing's grand
Ooh. So that's, uh, that's
what [cuckoo] is all about.
Yeah, [cuckoo] is pretty scary.
You know what's even more scary?
What?
You can't say [cuckoo] on television.
Now look. There's no reason to get
uptight. No reason to lose our senses.
We've gotta remember that we're
dealing with a cool, diabolical mind.
Thank you!
No, I'm talking about the devil.
Oh.
Don't worry, guys,
I've everything under control.
When he comes in that door,
I'm gonna take this
wooden stake and...
huh! Tickle his nose.
Are you ready, Peter?
Uh, no, no, he's not ready.
You see, he, uh, well,
he left his suit in the cleaners,
and he's not ready to go.
And not only that, he's got to write
a letter to his mother, haven't ya?
I have a million things to do.
Couldn't it be tomorrow?
Oh, I remember reading in the paper,
where, be, due to lack of interest,
tomorrow was canceled, so we'll
have to make it the day after tomorrow.
Don't worry, Peter;
you'll like it down below.
What about the fires?
People are always talking
about the fires.
You don't burn; all you feel
is a sense of depression.
Uh, wa-wait a minute, Mr. Zero.
I'd like to make a deal with you.
It doesn't really matter who you take.
Why don't you leave Peter
and take me instead?
My contract is with Peter!
No, no, you're not taking him,
he's staying here.
It's twelve o'clock,
Peter, time to go.
No, you can't have him, devil!
You can't have him! He's gonna stay here.
Peter, come along, Peter.
No, he can't leave!
Let go! Let go!
- Hey, wait-
- Come on, Peter!
No, Peter's ours,
and you can't have him!
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Couldn't you flip a coin,
and I'll go with the winner?
No, Peter, you're coming with us!
Wait a minute. We really can't
stop him if he has a contract.
Exactly.
That is, if your contract's good.
It's legal and valid.
Well, I don't think so, and I'm willing
to go to court to test it.
Why can't you young people just
accept the devil and be done with it?
We have, uh, ten more minutes
to go. We will convene a court.
Presiding over the court,
Judge Roy Bean.
Guilty!
Sometimes known as the hanging judge.
Hang 'em!
Now wait a minute!
The jury will consist of twelve
condemned men from Devil's Island.
You'll soon be one of us.
You'll soon be one of us.
Don't worry, Peter, heh heh.
It's, be like, kind of like joining a club.
Welcome to the club.
I wish they wouldn't do that.
Guilty!
I would like to call the first
witness, Billy the Kid.
Why do they call him the kid?
Well, because, he, he, uh, he
doesn't kid. Heh heh. Sorry. Heh.
No, it's okay.
Billy, remember we entered into a contract
in the year eighteen eighty-two.
I promised, in return for your soul,
to make you the most famous
gunfighter in the west, and did
I keep my part of the bargain?
You sure did. And I'll shoot the
first man who says you didn't.
Your witness.
Who'll take the first defense?
Oh, I don't know, why don't you take it?
- Ah, no-
- Let's choose for it.
Yeah, let's, uh, let's
choose fingers for it.
Uh, uh, the odd finger's it. Ready?
One, two, three!
Well, you have the odd finger, Mike.
Well, I don't see what's
so odd about my finger.
It's that it's just as
normal as everybody else.
You have the odd finger, Mike.
Well, I've seen my fingers around a lot.
You have the odd finger, Mike.
I've got the odd finger. I gotta
go talk to Billy Poo here, huh?
Say something, like, uh, well, Mr. Kid.
Uh, duh, that's just a
figure of speech. Ha ha.
Speak your peace.
It's gon' to be your last.
Now then, um, in eighteen eighty-two,
Mr. Zero promised to
make you the most famous gunfighter
in the west, did he not?
That's right.
Well, he did, and you are, and I don't think
there's really anything else to talk about.
You just pull your gun right out there,
and shoot people, and be famous.
Well, there's no sense in
antagonizing the jury.
You'll soon be one of us.
They look antagonized enough as it is.
Shall we close the case?
Your honor, I insist that the, uh,
prosecution call another witness.
On what grounds?
On the, uh, on the grounds, that, um,
the television show's not over, huh.
We have to, huh, have a little more.
How was that, was that pretty good?
Of course. Why not? I have many clients.
Don't worry; we'll get
him on the next witness.
I call to the stand Blackbeard the
Pirate, the scourge of the seas.
Ha ha ha ha.
Yo ho ho and a bottle o' rum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
- Ooh! That's me. It's me.
- Wait, Davy...
Davy, Davy...
Excuse me, Mr. Black, uh,
Mr. Beard, I was, uh...
Drink?
Oh, no, thank you.
What's your name, lad?
Um, David Jones.
So you want to go to sea, do ya?
Oh, no, I don't want to go to sea.
A ha, sure you do. The rough
sea makes rough men.
No, excuse me, Mr. Black, um.
I always did like young sailors with
the swell of the ocean in their veins.
Don't say swell.
The rocking motion of the waves.
Don't say rock.
The fresh salt sea air.
Don't say air, please. Ah!
Why've we stopped?
I get sick being still.
Was that a rough crossing.
Don't worry, Davy; we'll get
him on the next witness.
Yeah.
And, for my last witness,
Attila the Hun.
At last, a, uh, co-operative witness.
A big fella. Alright,
look. You go in there,
and you pin him down. Don't let
him get away on a point.
- No, baby.
- No.
- Won't let him go.
- Lawyer time!
Just like Inherit the Wind, boy.
Sure.
I'm gonna learn that.
- Inherit the Wind, sure.
- Go do it, Micky.
- Spencer Tracy, baby.
- You!
- Go!
- Alright.
Alright, Mr. Hun.
Uh, just as a point of clarification,
what year did you enter your
contract with the devil?
Ka-moe-sheen-ga-la!
H-ha-ba, ha-ba-so-mee-bo-goy-ya?
Ko-shee-mee-tee-lee.
Ha, ha. So-mee-guy, so-my-cha.
Wa-zoo-ma-la.
My-ga-so-mee, saw-mee-my-ka, goy-ya?!
Ka-zee-mee-tee-lee!
Ah-sha-mee! Kah-show-mee! Nye-wee-tah!
Nye-cha-duh-buh-cha!
Oh-so-mah-lah-tah! Ah-slah-mah-ta!
Wah-kah-chai-lah!
- What'd you say?
- I don't know!
The prosecution rests.
Then the defense will rest also. Hm.
Until what time would
you like to rest?
Until we think of something better. Hm.
I think we've heard enough!
We can pass sentence.
Wait a minute! Uh, the defense
would like to call its first witness.
And who is that?
Mr. Zero.
Why, I'd be only too happy
to take the stand.
Would you please raise your right hand
and put your left hand on the bible.
You must be joking.
Um, can I interest anybody in taking
a quick peek at this book here?
It's been on the best seller
list for many years.
We don't read.
Well, uh, you don't have to read the book.
Why don't we, we run the picture for you?
Three hours of glorious
color in a full wide
screen with stereophonic
sound and popcorn, hm.
My dear boy, I appeared in that picture.
The garden scene. I played the snake.
Now, uh, Mr. Zero.
Aside from these witnesses,
what else do you present as evidence?
This contract. In exchange for fame,
fortune, and the ability to play the harp,
I purchased Peter Tork's soul.
Is this your signature, Mr. Tork?
Don't call me mister; I'm just a kid.
Guilty!
Well, I say that that contract
is null and void, because in fact,
Mr. Zero, you didn't give Peter
anything in return for his soul.
I gave him fame and fortune.
Well, you gave him fame
and fortune, perhaps,
but Peter didn't want fame
and fortune, you see.
All Peter wanted was just his music.
He just wanted to play the harp, that's all.
I gave him the ability to play
the harp... in return for his soul.
You know, it was almost worth it.
No, you didn't give him the
ability to play the harp.
You see, you see, Peter loved
the harp, and he loved,
he loved the music that came from
the harp, and that was inside of him.
And, uh, it came...
um, it was...
the power of that love was inside of Peter.
I-it was in-inside of him from the first.
And it was that kind of power
that-that made Peter able to play the harp,
and, uh, you didn't have
anything to do with it at all.
Ha ha ha ha, ooh hoo ha ha ha ha!
Don't you understand what,
uh, what that means,
when you have that inside of you,
what, what, what comes out?
It... um, if you love music,
man, you can play music.
If, uh, people say well,
I can't carry a note,
I can't, I can't say, I can't sing,
I, I'm tone deaf.
But nobody's tone deaf, and if you
love music, then you can play music.
And all it takes is just love, because, uh,
because, baby, in the final analysis,
love is power.
That's where the power's at. And, and,
and you want to tell me
that you gave it to him,
but I know different,
because I'm a musician.
And, uh, well,
that's really all there is to that.
Love? Ho ho ho ho, ha ha ha ha!
Oh, you make me laugh! Ha ha ha.
There, I've taken the power away.
He's exactly as I found him.
There's your harp. See what
he can do with it now.
- Okay, go play the harp.
- Michael, I can't.
D-didn't you hear what I said to Zero, man?
Look. The power's inside you.
Nobody can give it to you;
nobody can take it away.
Now go play the harp.
Okay, Mike.
I declare the defendant...
not guilty!
Yay!
Ahh!
Yay!
Do you know "Melancholy Baby"?
Is all about the show.
Hober reeber sabasoben
Hobaseeba snick
Seeberraber hobosoben
What did you expect?
No time
(no time, no time at all)
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time, baby
(ahh-ahh)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
Runnin' from the risin'
heat to find a place to hide
The grass is always greener growin'
on the other side
No time
(no time, no time at all)
Got no time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time, baby
(ahh-ahh)
Got lots of better things to do
(No time, no time at all)
No time
(no time, no time at all)
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time, baby
(ahh-ahh)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
No time
(no time, no time at all)
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time, baby
(ahh-ahh)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
Try to tell the world
somehow of how I feel
Tell me what you said again,
I can't believe it's real
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time for you
(no time, no time at all)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
Andy, you're a dandy,
you don't seem to make no sense
Never mind the furthermore,
the plea is self-defence
No time for you
(no time, no time at all)
I got no time for you
(no time, no time at all)
Got lots of better things to do
(no time, no time at all)
Wow, I got no time
I got no time
I got no time for you
(no time, no time at all)
In this generation
In this lovin' time
In this generation
We will make the world shine
We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need
We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be
And what we have to be, is free
Love is understandin'
We gotta be free
Love is understandin'
We gotta be free
In this generation
Love is understandin'