The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 13 - Monkees in Texas - full transcript

Okay? Okay? Okay? Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Where are we?

Huh?

We've been driving for three days.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Uh-huh.
- We're in Texas.

Oh. Oh?

This is my Aunt Kate's
little green house.

Are you sure Aunt Kate
won't mind us coming?

The last time I was here,
she said, "Drop in any time".

When was that?

Spring of fifty-four.



Ha ha ha ha ha.

It's a good thing she wasn't
thrilled to see us.

Hey, they weren't shooting at us.

Hey, that's Aunt Kate! I, uh, think
we picked a bad time to come;

we better leave.

I think we picked
a bad time to leave;

let's stay. Uh, let's go help 'em.

- Yeah.
- Micky!

Ah!

Hey, Aunt Kate!

Michael! Lucy,
cover the door. Quick!

Grab a rifle.

No, no. One for each of you.
From the rack.

- Here's a rifle.
- Military.



- Here's a rifle for you.
- Here's a rifle for you.

Rifle for you. Okay.
Ready, guys?

- Here we go.
- Hey, guys.

- Hi.
- I don't have a gun.

I don't either have a gun.
Do you have a gun?

Son of a gun.

Winchester seventy-three.

Colt forty-five.

Smith and Wesson thirty-eight.

Vintage sixty-six.

How in the world do you expect to
do anything with vintage sixty-six?

You're right. I wish I had vintage
fifty-five. Happy new year!

Happy new year.
What is this?

Bang! Bang bang bang! Bang!
Bang bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

What is this "bang, bang, bang" stuff?

Well, I hate violence. Besides,
I have more shells than you.

Bang bang bang bang!
Bang bang bang bang bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang
bang bang bang!

Have you had enough, nesters?

The name is Nesmith, and if you're
gonna scream out in the middle of a war,

get it right!
That's Nesmith.

I thought Mike's name was Nester?

N-E-P-K-Y-O-R-J-B-

No, no. Nester means farmer.
He's right. He means nesters.

Oh. Oh, hey, I'm sorry. Uh,
I didn't realize, you know,

and it seems like you were right in the
first place, so go ahead with your speech.

I ain't gonna quit 'til I
drive you off your ranch!

Oh, hey, that's alright.
We'll take a taxi.

Okay, boys. Open up. We'll fill
that cabin so full of holes,

it'll look like a Swiss cheese.

Ah!

Ah! They're throwing everything
at us but the kitchen sink.

Next time, will you keep
your mouth shut?

Right. Mouth shut.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

That'll get 'em.
Wait'll they get a load of that!

Get back! Get back!
I'll get it.

Okay, okay. It's safe.
It's safe.

Ooh, you saved us!
You saved us!

Oh, Davy, congratulations!

Hey, way to go, Davy baby!

That ain't just women.
They got a lot of firepower in there.

Yeah, let's beat it.

Hey, look, look. They're leaving.
They're leaving.

Hooray! You're right.

Yay!

They're splitting, they're running,
we did it, they're leaving! Yeah!

Happy new year!

Woo hoo!

Happy new year! Ha ha!

I wouldn't be too happy
about that; they'll be back.

But we won't! Ha!

Bye-bye.

Hold it, guys. We've got to stay.

Oh! We've got to stay!

- Yeah!
- Why?

Why? Why? Well, because a man's
first obligation is to his kinfolk.

Right!

And because it's better to have a
brave death than a cowardly life.

Right!

And besides that, they
killed our golf cart.

Ah.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

If we're gonna stay here,
somebody's got to go and get help.

- Yeah, me!
- I'll go.

You'll find the marshal in town, and,
uh, try to act a bit more western,

'cause 'round here, they don't
take kindly to strangers.

No, Peter. No, no, no. You have
to open the top one first-

Micky.

What in the world is going
on here, Aunt Kate?

Well, ever since a year ago,
Black Bart

and his men have been trying
to drive me off my ranch.

Black Bart?

Young man, I want to
thank you for helping us.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, Aunt Kate, that's
Davy Jones. Uh, Davy, that's Aunt Kate.

- Hello.
- Hello, Davy.

Oh, and this is, uh, oh,
I'm-I'm afraid

I don't know this lady here.

Oh, my.

Don't you remember your baby cousin Lucy?

Huh? Lu-Lucy? Are you Lu-well, what-well,
what ever happened to the-the bucked teeth,

the knocked kneed, uh, stringy
haired, bad complexion,

little girl that I used to
hang around with? Huh huh.

That's your other cousin, Clara.
She still looks the same.

Oh, merciful heavens.

Hey, Micky. How come I have
to wear all this?

'Cause Aunt Kate said they
don't like strangers in town.

Besides, you look very psychedelic.

Oh. Heh heh. How!

It's the peace symbol and
the beads mostly.

Oh. Okay.
Right, kemosabe.

What does "kemosabe" mean?

Heh heh heh, heh heh.
Don't ask.

- Marshal.
- Hey.

Marshal. Hey, Marshal!

Hold it right there, masked man!

Huh?

Hey. Don't you recognize the famous
mask and the famous Indian companion,

Pronto, and the famous silver bullets?

Hey, wait a minute.
I think I do.

Sure!

Oh! Here we are: the Lone Stranger.

Right!

"Wanted for murder."
You're under arrest!

Huh? I think we're in a
lot of trouble, Pronto.

What do you mean "we," white man?

Huh? Wait a minute. I'm not the
Lone Stranger, I'm Micky Dolenz,

and I'm here to report a
raid at Kate Nesmith's ranch.

Black Bart's gonna be
there this afternoon.

Oh, I can't come this afternoon;
I'm busy shooting.

Oh, outlaws?

My TV series.

- Oh.
- Heh heh heh heh.

How about this evening?

No, uh, Emmy dinner's tonight.
I'm up for an award.

Oh, congratulations.

That's enough out of you,
Injun! Tell you what to do.

You go down to the saloon
and hire some outlaws.

You, a marshal, is telling me,
a Micky Dolenz Monkee,

to go to a common ordinary bar and
hire common ordinary criminals?

That's what I do whenever
I need a posse.

It's them. They're coming back.

They're coming back! Mike!
They're coming back.

It's alright. It's the Cartwheels.

Who are they?

Ben Cartwheel and his two sons,

Mule and Little Moe.
They own half the valley.

Hello, Kate. How are ya?

Hi, Ben.

Well, I haven't seen you for some time.
Hey, uh, water my horse, will you, son?

Water your horse?
I'm not a stable boy!

I don't care about your mental
condition. Water my horse.

Ah, doesn't care about his
mental condition...

Heard a lot of shots, Kate.
Uh, you alright?

No need to worry about Kate,
Mr. Cartwheel. I'll protect her.

Oh, Kate, these boys
can't protect you.

Now, why don't you sell
your spread out to me?

You won't have to worry
about Black Bart.

Why, Ben, this ranch has been
in my family for years.

I do thank you,
but I don't aim to sell.

Alright, Kate, but my
offer's always good.

Thank you.

Hey, what are you doing there?

You asked me to water
your horse, didn't you?

Alright, now. We gotta go
in there and act tough.

What do you mean "act"?

Peter! Peter!
What's-what happened?

Oh, Micky. They got me, man.
They got me.

Listen, the map to the gold mine,
the map to the gold mine is-

Where is it?
Where's the map?

Ah!

Come on, Peter.
They didn't get you.

Hm?

Oh. But I really had you fooled
about that gold mine, didn't I?

Yeah, right.

Not now.
This is a family show. Yuh!

"Family show"?

Excuse me, stranger.

Okay, big fella.

Hey, bartender. I hear you got some
men here with prices on their heads.

That's right.

Well. There they are.

What are you gonna have?

Sling me a shot of red eye, bartender.

Sling me a sponge, bartender.

What's yours, Injun?

Milk. And leave-um bottle.

Milk?

Hey, Red, I didn't know
you chewed tobacco.

I don't. Bubblegum.

We'll see if these guys
are really tough.

Maybe Bart can use 'em.

What are you doing in town?

We came to get some hired guns.

It's tough to get hired guns.
Hired guns pretty fast on the draw.

Yeah, well, the faster the better.

Are you fast?

Yeah, I'm fast.
Want to see me draw?

Yeah.

Want to see it again?

You want to hook up
with Black Bart?

Yeah. Hook up. That's exactly
what we want to do.

Ha ha. Hook up.
Yeah, you with me?

No, you're with me.
I'll take you to him.

You'll take me to him? Uh,
how come he can't come to us?

Black Bart comes to no man.
I like your spirit.

I'll get my hat, and we'll go.

Hey, Micky.
What are you doing?

I thought he meant hook up
like in a fight.

I didn't know he meant
hook up and that we're

gonna be criminals with
him, huh. Act tough.

Mm.

Go stake out the Nesmith place.

Act tough, Peter.

Let's go.

Our cattle were grazing right
around here, then they started dying.

I can take this dirt into town.
I'll have it analyzed.

When I get back, I'll know
one of two things.

What's that?

Well, either this dirt's the
cause of all your trouble,

or I'm getting my hands
dirty for nothing.

- Hm.
- Ha ha.

Alright, big loser.
I'll see your hundred,

I'll raise you a hundred more.

I think you're bluffing.

How'd you know, Red?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I'll call ya.

There's only one guy left
at the Nesmith ranch.

Now is the time to get 'em.

Soon as Bart gets back.

Get over there and warn
'em. I'll cover you.

Right.

Hey! Where's he going?

Uh, just went out to take a ride.

He ain't back here in ten
minutes, I'm killing you.

Uh! He'll be back! Uh,
Pete, ten minutes.

You got ten minutes to be
back! Ten minutes-uh.

Be back.
Nine minutes and fifty seconds.

He'll be back about nine-fifty-Peter's
always back on time.

Nine minutes and fifty-five-Peter's
always back.

When he says he'll be
back in ten minutes, boy,

he'll be back in nine minutes
and thirty seconds now.

Nine minutes and thirty seconds, Pete!
Nine minutes and twenty seconds, Peter!

Black Bart's coming!
Black Bart's coming!

Peter, what you doing with
a horse in the house?

I went to the barn, but
there wasn't anybody there.

Isn't that dumb?

I got to get back to the
hideout and save Micky.

Quick!
Get to the Cartwheels for help.

I'll go for the Cartwheels for help.

What happened to his head? Oh! Oh! Whoa!
Huh! Whoa! Oh! Hey! Help me, someone!

Oh! Mr. Cartwheel! Oh!
Mr. Cartwheel! Oh! Oh!

- Mr. Cartwheel!
- What's the matter?

Black Bart's gonna raid the ranch.

He is?
How do you know?

One of his men told me.

Oh, good work, son. Go tell Miss
Kate I'm coming with my men.

Uh, Mr. Cartwheel, there's only
one thing I'm afraid off.

What's that?

I don't think this horse is gonna
find its way back to the ranch.

Uh! Whoa! Ah! Mr. Cartwheel! Hey! Huh!

Uh, h-hello. Can you tell me
where the assayer's office is?

This is it.

Oh. Well, uh, what I'd like
is to have that analyzed.

Can you tell me what that is?

I don't have to analyze it.
I can tell you what it is right now.

Wh-what?

It's guck, and it's disgusting.
Go and get it out of here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I ju-hey, no.
Wait a minute.

I really need to know what's
in there. It's important.

Alright.

It's crude.

Oh. Well, that's okay.
Go ahead. Tell me anyway.

No, I mean is it's crude. Crude oil.
Purest sample I ever seen.

It's-it's-it's oil?
Oh, it's-it's oi-it's oil.

Well, uh, uh, thank you very much.

Hey! Ain't you gonna pay me?

Oh.

Davy should've gotten help by now.

Yeah, right. Alright.
Where is this Black Bart?

I got a cool eye and a mean hand
and an itchy trigger finger.

Here I am. What are you going to
do about that itchy trigger finger?

Oh, I don't know. I thought
I'd put a little talcum

powder on it and scratch it
for a couple hours.

I'm sure it'll go away.
Heh heh.

Which one of you is a traitor?

Somebody was just at the
Nesmith ranch. Who was it?

The Injun.

We're in a lot of trouble, Micky.

What do you mean "we", Injun?

Who's he?

Uh, he's new.

Are you a killer?

Yeah. Sure, I'm a killer.

Well, kill him.

I can't-I can't kill him.
He's my best friend.

I've known him for two ye-

Ah!

Oh, we're in a lot of trouble.

Cover 'em!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.

Kate, you started this ranch with
a handful of dirt and a dream.

Now, with this oil we've found, you'll be
one of the wealthiest ranchers in Texas.

Not to mention having
the dirtiest hands.

You're gonna be filthy rich.

If we survive.

If we survive? Ho, ho. The Cartwheels
will be here any minute to save the day.

Besides that, if we run out of ammunition,

we can always throw money.
Huh. Huh huh. Ha ha.

Throw money.

I was just at the assay office,
and they know about the oil.

Oil? Oh, a-ha! That's why they want
Aunt Kate to move off her ranch.

There's oil on them there ranch.

But what good would an oil well or
even a string of oil wells do you?

It'd give me the one thing I want
more than anything else in the world.

What could that be?

Statehood for my ranch.

Are you sure it's not
listed, operator?

It's-I said, are you sure
that it's not listed?

Are you sure that it's not-

are you sure it's
not listed, operator?

It's very important.

Mike! Mike! Mike!

What? What? Hm?

Who are you calling?

John Wayne.

Are you sure that it's not listed?

Ah!

Ah! Don't shoot until you
see the whites of their eyes.

What if they're wearing masks?

Don't shoot until you see
the whites of their masks.

Oh.

Micky, why do you think they're
dressing us up like this, man?

Well, one of two reasons,
Peter, my boy.

Either they're gonna blame
us for the killings or

they've already dressed us
for our funerals to save time.

Oh.

Now remember to take that woman alive.
I want to give one last chance to sell out.

Supposing she won't?

Well, then we'll kill her and
fake her signature.

Of course, we'll try it the clean way first.
I'd hate to resort to forgery.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

- Now.
- Now.

Hi-ya!

No, no. Let 'em go. We'll kill
'em over there instead of here.

Ha ha ha. Okay, Black.

Call me Bart.

Bart.

- Don't shoot!
- Don't shoot!

- It's us!
- It's us!

- It's them!
- It's them!

What's the matter?

What-what-what-what's
happening here?

We got to get out of here before
Cartwheel and his gang gets here.

Ben Cartwheel?

Also known as "Black Bart".

That's ridiculous.
Ben Cartwheel's the kindest

millionaire in the whole valley.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Flies? No. But if you're a
human, he'll kill you.

Come on.

Girl, don't you know
everytime I see you smilin'?

Hurts so bad cause when
I see you, I start trying

Try everything to stop
but there's no denying

Falling in love with you
girl is just like dying

Ohh, don't walk away

Ohh, how can I make you
stay, don't turn away

I can still hear
you saying those

Words that never were true
Spoken to help nobody but you

Words with lies inside

But small enough to hide till
your playin' was through

Girl don't you know we can
work it out with talkin'?

You won't turn around or
slow down your walking

I've given you everything
with kiss to seal it

You had to get your kicks
with tryin' to steal it

Now I'm standing here

Strange, strange voices in my ears,
I feel the tears

But all I can hear are those

Words that never were true
Spoken to help nobody but you

Words with lies inside

But small enough to hide till
your playin' was through

Now I'm standing here

Strange, strange voices in my ears,
I feel the tears

But all I can hear are those

Words that never were true
Spoken to help nobody but you

Words with lies inside

But small enough to hide till
your playin' was through

Words that never were true
Spoken to help nobody but you

Words with lies inside

I wouldn't be too happy
about that. They'll be back.

Sock it to me

Floatin' down the river
with a saturated liver

And I wish I could forgive her
But I do believe she meant it

When she told me to forget it
And I bet she will regret it

When they find me in the
morning wet and drowned

And the word gets 'round

Goin' down
Goin' down

Comin' up for air, it's pretty
stuffy under there there

I'd like to say I didn't care

But I forgot to leave a note
And it's so hard to stay afloat

I'm soakin' wet without a boat

And I knew I should
have taken off my shoes

It's front page news

Goin' down
Goin' down

Hey, hey
Hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

I wish I had another drink
It wouldn't be so hard to sink

I should have taken time to think
Besides I got the picture straight

She must have had another date
I didn't need this extra weight

I wish that I could
see the way to shore

I don't want no more

Goin' down, I'm goin' down

And now I see the life I led
I slept it all away in bed

I should have learned
how to swim instead

And now it's really got me stumped

I can't believe I really jumped
I'd like to get my tummy pumped

I can't believe they drink
this stuff in town

This dirty brown, goin' down

Goin' down
I'm goin' down

Goin' down, hey, hey
I'm down

Goin' down
Goin' down

Goin' down
Goin' down

Goin' down

I wished I'd looked
before I leaped

I didn't know it was so deep

Been down so far I don't get wet

I haven't touched the bottom yet

This river scene is gettin' old

I'm hungry, sleepy, wet and cold

She told me to forget it nice

I should have taken her advice

I only want to go on home

I'd gladly leave that girl alone

What a way to spend the night

If I don't drown,
I'll die of fright

My pappy taught me how to float

But I can't swim a single note

He threw me in to teach me how

I stayed there floatin'
like a mama cow

And now I've floated
way downstream

Know this has to be a dream

If I could find my way to shore

I'd never, never do this anymore

I'll give you three,
I've been down nine

I'm goin' down just one more time

Goin' down
Goin' down

Goin' down
Goin' down

I'm goin' down
Goin' down

Goin' down
Goin' down

I'm goin' down

I'm goin' back home
Back home to my friends

Back under the warm
And I can do with it, too

I'm goin' home

Now the sky is gettin' light

An everythng will be all right

Think I finally got the knack

Just floatin' here lazy on my back

I never really liked that town

I think I'll ride the river down

Just movin' slow and floatin' free

There's a river
swinging under me

Waving back to the
folks on shore

I should have thought
of this before

I'm floatin' on down
to New Orleans

And pick up on some
swingin' scenes

I'm gonna know a better day

I'm goin' down groovin'
all the way

Goin' down
Go-go-go-in' down

I'm goin' down, back, back, back
I'm goin' back, back, back home

I'm go-goin' home,
hey, hey, hey, hey

Goin' on down, hey, hey, hey, hey

Let's go
Let's go

I'm goin' back, back, back home

Down, down, down

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free