The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 12 - Hitting the High Seas - full transcript

I still don't think he was
fair to fire us.

Well, you know, Pete,
we weren't exactly a smash.

Yes, we were. Only one person
left before we were done.

That was half the audience.

I still think he should have
given us some notice.

He did. He said, "Get out in ten
minutes, or I'll beat you up."

Sure, it's a good job,
Harry, but where are

we gonna find the guys
that can handle it?

How 'bout the guys down on the pier?

Nah. Nah. We gotta have
guys who are strong.

Yah, ah.



Boy, you sure are strong, Micky.

But strength ain't enough.

No, they gotta be able
to use their hands.

Boy, you sure know how
to use your hands, Davy.

They gotta have
knowledge of the Seven Seas.

Uh, Atlantic, Pacific, uh, Arctic,
Antarctic, Baltic, uh, Northern,

Mediterranean, Indian, uh,
Lake Havasu, and, uh, the Mississippi.

Boy, Pete, you sure know how
to use your mouth.

Where are we gonna find hard
drinking guys like that?

Ah!

How 'bout these kids here?

Uh, they don't look like
no sailors to me.

Ship ahoy, captain. Get a reading
off that starboard bow.

Out the way.



Reading up-what are you doing?

Shooting the sun.

Yeah! That's good enough for me.

Well, that's terrific.

Hey, I guess I was wrong.
What's your price?

Well, uh, experienced sailors like us,

we never work for less than a
hundred dollars a day.

- Fifteen.
- Sold.

Okay. Six in the morning, pier three.

Three o'clock, pier six.

To the fastest talking, clever,
shrewdest sailors on the high seas.

I got 'em, captain.
Just what you asked for:

the dumbest, dullest suckers
in the world. Ha ha ha ha!

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Request permission to go aboard, sir.
We know what we're doing.

Reading the handbook.

You're already on board.

Well, request permission
to stay on board, sir.

Of course, you can stay on board.
You got no choice.

Are you sure you guys
was ever in the navy?

Peter, right here, sunk seven
Japanese destroyers in one year.

When was that?

- Last year.
- Stupid question.

Alright, then get to work.
You man the spinnaker.

You go abaft and handle the gaff rig.

You check the boomvang, and you go
down and fix the starboard ???.

Right. I'll gaffer the seeber.

Fix the garbird stripe, uh... ???

The boom vang. The boom vang
is a large type of...

What's going on here?
You guys loafing on the job?

- Uh huh. Wait, no.
- No, no.

Well, get over there and
hoist the mainsail. Go on!

- Right.
- I understand now.

- Aye-aye, sir.
- Sail.

Hoist the mainsail, Mike.
Hoist the mainsail.

Aye-aye.

Hoist the main-I wonder
which one's the mainsail.

- Hm, that one.
- Oh, yeah.

I wonder which rope
you pull to raise the mainsail.

- Hey, Mike?
- I wonder.

Yeah? Okay, it says here,
"Boat mainsail,

put the left hand over the
right hand on the rope.

Put the left hand
below the right hand..."

Right hand, pull.

"- ...in a nice slow, gradual mo-"
I got it. Right.-

Oh, that's great.

Yo ho, yee ho.

Hey!

Mainsail secured, sir. Tied down.

Unfurl the sail!

Yo ho, yee ho.

I'm gonna tr-let's try one of
these seasick pills. I'm gonna try one.

Boy.

- Hey, it works. The seasick pills-
- Have one. Have one.

Take one Mike. Go ahead.

He's sick.
Oh.

That didn't seem to work
too well for you, Mike.

Better go below.
Mike, go below. Go.

- Yeah, Mike.
- Lie down, man.

Call if you want something, you know.

Heave ho. Heave ho.

Captain coming on deck.

All hands in formation.
Line up. Attention!

Hooker, read the roster.

Aye-aye, sir. Reynolds?

Here!

Dolenz?

Here, sir.

Tork?

- Uh, hello.
- Good evening...

Shut up!

But you said we could talk!

Shut up! Tork?

Here, sir.

What's that man doing up there?

Uh, he's inspecting the mainsail, sir.

What do you think you are,
a flaming seagull?

Now, get down here immediately.

I can't.

That's an order.

Peter! Ah! Oh! Peter. Oh!

Easy. Easy. Are you okay?

Oh! Are you okay?

Yeah. Same as ever.

Oh, that's too bad.

Who are these fools?

The, uh, new shipmates, sir.

Where did you get that long hair?

Well, there's this little
store on Sunset Strip.

- Cut it off.
- Oh, no, we can't.

No, we can't cut it.
We'd lose our strength.

Disobeying the captain, eh?
Alright, keelhaul

'em, and give them ten
lashes for insubordination,

and give them ten strokes
more if they laugh.

Aye-aye, sir. You, you,
and you, follow me. ???

Oh! Ah! Oh! Ah! Ah!

You're gonna be keelhauled and
lashed within an inch of your life.

You can't do that.
It's against naval law.

And who are you to tell
me about naval law?

His name is Jones, sir.
Davy Jones.

Davy Jones? As in,
Davy Jones's Locker?

Yeah. Right. It's his
great-great-grandfather,

and when he's twenty-five,
he inherits the locker.

A Davy Jones on my ship.

Oh, what a tremendous
stroke of luck!

Yeah. You're right.
That is very lucky.

I don't feel so lucky.

What do you wanna
do with 'em, sir?

Make 'em swab the deck.

- Swab?
- Swab the deck?

Ew!

Jones too?

Oh, no. He's going to be my
cabin boy. Take him to the galley.

Oh, please. Not the galley.
Oh, the galley.

No, please. Don't hang me.
Don't hang me.

No, no, no.
Not the gallows, the galley.

Oh. You had me worried for
a minute there. Heh heh.

Captain?

I'm Captain Ahab, and I sailed
the Seven Seas all my life

looking for the great white whale,
Moby Dick. Have you seen him?

No.

Well, if you do, tell
him I'm in my cabin.

Captain?

I'm Captain Arab, I've sailed
the Seven Seas all-oh, it's just you.

Come here, wench. Oh,
I like 'em with spirit.

Ooh!

Well. There's reasonable
limits to everything.

Captain Hornblower, man.
Groovy, Sock it to me. Yeah.

- Captain?
- Come in.

I brought your food, sir.

Food? I'm too busy to eat now.
Take it away.

Yes, sir.

And close the door after you.
Can't you see I'm in conference?

Yes, sir.

Heh.

In conference?

Horace, have you thought
any more about the plan?

Yes, and it's even
better now, rawk, now.

Good. I'll show them they
can't throw me out like an old shoe.

Rawk! Forget about that.
Think about the gold.

That's right. What'll I care
about them when we've got

over a million dollars apiece?
Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Rawk! Ho ho ho ho!

He's crackers.

? Walking down the lonely street ?
? I need someone to meet ?

? I run across sweet looking you ?
? Do you know what you do?

? You tear the top right off my head ?
? You blow my mind ?

? I'm going blind ?

Hey, they're both crackers!

What do you mean, crackers?

- Crazy. They're crazy.
- Who? Who's crazy?

- The captain.
- Ah, come on.

Honestly. He was asking
advice from his parrot.

Was the parrot charging him?

No, no.

Well, then the parrot's
crackers then. Crazy.

Listen. I think they're both crackers.
Crazy. The-they have this mad scheme,

and-and they seem to think it'
gonna make them both rich.

How are they gonna do that?

Well, I don't know, but
I know how we can find out.

How?

Listen. Tonight, we're gonna
sneak into his cabin,

and Micky, you are gonna
imitate the parrot.

Right.

And then you can talk to him
and find out what the plan is.

Right. Why me?

'Cause you're the only one
that can imitate a parrot.

- Shh.
- Ah!

He's asleep.
Let's take care of the parrot.

- Shh.
- Ah!

Ah, captain. Rawk. Ah, captain?
Rawk. What are you doing? ???

Rawk, captain? Rawk, captain?

What is it, Horace?

Rawk, I've been thinking about our plan,
rawk, plan. I don't think we should do it.

Why not?

Risky. Too risky. Rawk! I don't want to

spend the rest of my life in jail,
rawk, jail.

But think of the money, Horace.

Rawk, money? What do I want money for?

To throw away on some
flashy macaw? Rawk!

Oh, now, look, Horace.

Get under the table.

It's not only that. It's a
matter of principle.

Principle.
What principle?

Principle, Horace! Principle!
I was captain of the

Queen Anne for thirty years
before they threw me out.

Oh, Horace. If I had those swine here now,

I'd slash 'em, and I'd slice 'em,

and I'd rip them. What have you
got to say about that, Horace?

Rawk! I'd say they better
call before they come. Ah!

You're darn right, they'd better.

Well, Horace, we've got a big day
tomorrow. Let's get some sleep.

Right, sleep, rawk, sleep.

- You see this is a fantasy.
- A fantasy?

He's not really going to
rob the Queen Anne.

He's not?

It's a fantasy, developed in his
subconscious mind to compensate for the

frustrations that he en-that he endured
as a child, and his-over the hostilities.

Oh. I understand.

Yeah, yeah. I get it.
I get it now. Yeah.

Attention! Captain coming on deck.

Hoist the Jolly Roger!

- The Rolly Joger.
- Draw your sabers.

Sabers.

Unwrap the cannon.
Ha ha, ha ha ha!

They're going to signal the ship.

Robbery on the high seas.

You see, this is all a fantasy.
We're not really on the ship.

It's a fantasy concocted by our subconscious

mind to compensate for
the hostilities that...

That the captain is
gonna rob the Queen Anne.

Right.

Men, in a few hours, we board
the Queen Anne

and take all the golden bullion
from her stores.

This mission calls for
bravery and valor.

So, if there's any man here feels
he can't participate because

he's afraid, let him take
one step forward now.

Me, me. Right here, baby.

Th-th-that's us. That's us.

Well, we'd be glad to drop you off.

At the next port?

No, right here.

Oh, I'm not afraid.

No. I'm ready. I'm ready.

Here's your swords
and your pistols.

Oh. And the lyrics of some of
the better known pirate songs.

I just hope you men are tough
enough for this job.

Tough? Ha ha ha! Peter's so tough,
his nails get rusty.

Heh heh heh heh. He's so tough,
he loves the sight of blood,

that he pours ketchup on-on everything
he eats, even cornflakes.

Now get over there and drill
with the rest of the crew.

- Right.
- Aye-aye, sir-oh.

- Right.
- Right.

Hurry up!

Well, we gotta stop him somehow.

Oh, yeah? How?

Well, what does any respectable
crew do when the captain's crazy?

What did they do with Captain Queeg?

Steal his strawberries.

- No, they mutinied.
- Mutinied.

Mutinied.

Peter, go incite the
crew to mutiny.

- Incite.
- Mutiny. Incite.

- Out of sight.
- In sight.

- Sock it to 'em.
- Sight.

Mutiny! Mutiny!

[mumbling]

- Mutiny.
- But we can't do that.

- Why?
- I don't know why.

How about if Clark Gable and

Marlon Brando can do it,
we can do it?

- Okay.
- Oh, great.

- They do it all the time.
- Yeah.

- Let's go do it.
- We can do it. Mutiny!

I incited the men.

Boy, are they mad!

When I incite, I incite.

Men. Hold it. True, we are sailors,
but first, we are men.

Yeah!

And men were not meant to take abuse.

Yeah!

I'm glad to see all you men are
behind me. Captain, come on deck.

Captain, I'd like to inform you
that we're taking over your ship.

You're what?

Now, if you cooperate, I guarantee
you safety for you and your parrot.

Nobody mutinies on my ship.

What about those guys in forty-nine?

Ah, shut up, Horace.

I'm sorry, captain, but I must
ask you for your sword.

Never.

Never? Ha! Seize him!
Men! Men?

Peter, I thought you,

uh, incited the men.
What did you say?

Mahaplmmahamuhuhmuh.

Hamahamuhamuh.

Is he the only one responsible
for this mutiny?

- Mutiny?
- Mutiny? What mutiny?

Did you hear a mutiny?

Never heard anything about mutiny.

This man is leading a mutiny aboard my boat,
and I want to know who's helping him.

Uh, will it be easier on him,
if you, if you find the others?

No. He'll die just the same.

- We told you not to try it.
- We said single handed mutinies never work, stranger.

Stranger? I thought you
came aboard with him.

Him? Nah, we never seen him before.

We wouldn't hang around with long
haired weirdos like that, would we?

- Dirty Commie.
- Yeah!

These are the ones, captain.
They're all in it together, sir.

I thought so.
Get the planks.

Bravo, captain. Drown the long
haired weirdos. Weirdos.

Men, you've been found guilty of
insubordination to a commanding officer,

conspiring to mutiny, and, what
is even worse, impersonating a parrot.

Now, have you got anything to say
before we execute sentence on you?

Yes, I do. I'm innocent. I never
impersonated a parrot in my life.

I can't even do a good cow. Moo.

See?

Have you got anything else to say?

Good dog? Meow, meow.

Chicken?

Meow, meow.

Bwack bwack bwack.

Cow? Cow?

Enough of this stalling.

At the count of three, we dunk them.
One, two, three!

Okay, we'll go to our watery grave,
but then you'll never find out the secret.

What secret?

Oh, no, never mind. That's okay.
We'll go to our watery grave-

But the secret! What's the secret?

But you'll never know the secret.

- Never!
- Come back here!

- Bye, we're dying, everybody.
- What's the secret?

Hey, guys. Hey, fellas.

- What?
- What is the secret?

A-ha! A clever ruse,
but I've got a cleverer ruser.

Men, this time we
really do dunk them.

At the count of three.
One, two, three!

Oh!

Ship ho! Queen Anne approaching
off the starboard beam.

Men, take your positions.
Man the cannons! We're pirates.

Queen Anne! Yeah! Yeah!

Two hundred yards and closing fast.
A hundred yards and closing fast.

Load the cannonball.

Fifty yards and closing fast.

Range, fifty yards.
Aim the cannon.

Fire, captain. Fire the cannon!

I'm the captain, and it's my cannon,
and I'll tell him when to fire.

Alright, don't fire the cannon.
It's your boat.

Light the fuse.

- Look, cannons.
- Guns.

Knives.

Oh, we've gotta save the Queen Anne.

- Right!
- Fire!

They're stealing my cannon.
After them, men! Stop!

Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings

Of the bluebird as she sings

The six o'clock alarm
would never ring

But it rings, and I rise

Wipe the sleep out of my eyes

My shavin'razor's
cold and it stings

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

You once thought of me

As a white knight on his steed

Now, you know
how happy I can be

Whoa, and our good
times start and end

Without dollar one to spend

But how much, baby,
do we really need

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean to a

daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen

Cheer up, sleepy Jean

I came down here to thank you boys
personally for everything that you've done.

Ah, it wasn't anything.

No, it was quite an achievement.
You saved my ship,

its gold, and all the
passengers aboard it.

Well, kind of consider
it a-a Monkee treat.

Also, tell me, who's ringing that
bleeding bell all the time here?

And for these acts of bravery,
by virtue of the power vested in me,

I declare all of you first
mates of this ship.

Aye, aye, thank you, captain.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
There's that bell again.

Ship ahoy.

Tell me, i-i-if, um, if we're gonna be the
first mates, who's going to be the captain?

Your captain will b
the most able seaman

it was ever my pleasure to sail with.

Alright, you guys. Rawk,
go to work, rawk, go to work.

Raw. I want discipline on my ship.

Polly want a bust in the mouth?

Rawk! Hoist the mainsail!
Rawk! Hard to starboard!

Take a letter, keep on going

Where ever it is, she's goin', too.

Give her my autograph and tell her

It's been nice knowin' you.

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

She only sims to please
young celebraties

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

How can I love her,
when I just don't respect her?

When everthing is goin' my way,

She wants to be close at hand.

She moves to some
other doorway

When things don't go
the way she planned.

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

She only sims to please
young celebraties

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

It won't take much time
before I get her off my mind

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

She only sims to please
young celebraties

She's a star collector
(collector of stars)

It won't take much time
before I get her off my mind

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free