The Monkees (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 14 - Monkees on the Wheel - full transcript

Las Vegas, pleasure
capital of the world.

Where each man seeks the
things he loves most.

The things he loves most.

The things he loves most.
But all is not fun

and games in the gambling
capital of the world.

While some pursue their
pleasures, others pursue their greed.

A hideaway on the other side of town.

Alright, we've been planning this
caper for three years, right?

- Right.
- Right.

At exactly seven fifty-four,
you march into the casino, right?

- Right.
- Right.



And the wheel has been
automatically fixed to land

at sixteen red for five minutes
starting at eight o'clock, right?

- Right.
- Right.

Okay, go ahead.

- Right.
- Wrong.

- Wrong?
- Right.

- Where did I go wrong?
- When you went right.

Boss, you sure make a lot of sense.

- Right.
- Right.

- No, left.
- Left.

Hey, uh, boss, are you coming?

- No, they'd recognize me.
- Right.

Ah, Zelda, I knew the
first time I saw you,

it was love at first sight.



Tell me how much you love me.

Two oranges and a banana.

Two oranges and a banana. Nothing
will stand in the way of our love.

It'll go on, onward and onward
through life. Hand in hand with-

Two lemons and a crabapple.

Two lemons and a crabapple.
Zelda, I don't have any more money.

Buzz off, Charlie. Whoa.

"Buzz off, Charlie"?!
Ga-za!

Hey, you hit a jackpot!

Oh.

Oh! You've got magic fingers.

Mwah mwah mwah! Oh,
I love you, love you!

I thought she only
loved me for my money.

Here we come
Walkin' down the street

We get the funniest looks from
Ev'ry one we meet

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy singing
To put anybody down

We're just tryin' to be friendly
Come and watch us sing and play

We're the young generation
And we've got something to say

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees
You never know where we'll be found

So you better get ready,

We may be comin' to your town

Money, money.

Micky. You told me you
wouldn't gamble anymore.

Oh, right.

Come on, man. We gotta go play
a job. Will you, please?

Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.

Honest, Mike, when I promised you that,
I would've given you odds. Honest, Mike-

- No more bets.
- I didn't have any more money,

and then all of a sudden,
there was money all over the place.

Honest, all I did was lean on the
machine, and I pulled the handle down-

Sixteen red.

- I don't understand it at all.
- You win.

...and I won. I win. I won.
See? My magic fingers!

Mick-

I just touch, and anything, I win.

Final call.

What are you guys doing here?
We're supposed to be rehearsing.

Hey, kid, don't bet that
number; it's unlucky.

Oh!

What- don't you touch that money
while that ball is moving, dumb-dumb!

Oh, I-I'm sorry,
but he said it was unlucky.

Sixteen red. Hm hm.
You won again.

Won again. I won again. It's
magic fingers, magic fingers!

They really work! They really work!
Magic fing- oh, magic fingers hurt.

See? I told you it was unlucky.

- He did mention it. Heh heh.
- Yeah, I heard him.

Yes, you certainly did mention
it was unlucky.

Now, are you leaving?

Yes, we're leaving. Here we go.
Leaving. Ready to leave. Ah huh.

What's going on?

Micky won all that money there.

Oh, that's amazing-

Place your bets, please.

We'll take it off and-

Let's go. Come on.
Peter, what are you doing?

Well, you shouldn't quit
when you're ahead.

I told you not to
play that number.

He can play any number he wants!

Right! You tell him, Pete.

Sixteen red.

Oh! He won!

You won again.

I won! I won! Yay!

Yay! He won! Yay!

- Magic fingers!
- Magic fingers.

He broke the bank.
You could just die from this.

D sixteen, five times,
broke the whole bank.

We gotta get this changed to
paper money; it's entirely too heavy.

- Very heavy.
- Very heavy.

- Okay.
- Incredibly.

Oh, look, look, look! Oh!

We're rich enough to buy just
about any old thing, guys.

Yuh!

We gotta get that money back.

Now cool it while I think.
Get Della the decoy.

That's what you were
thinking about?

Get outta here!

We got to invest this money, guys.

Invest it?

Into something worthwhile.

- You must be joking.
- That's my line.

- I'm sorry.
- You must be joking!

Oh, someone's at the door.

Hi, I'm the maintenance man.

We already gave at the office.

We must maintain.

How?

With the vacuum cleaner.

Not with a vacuum-

Hey! Who are you?

I'm the maintenance man-no,
I'm not the maintenance man.

You're the maintenance man.

I'm the maintenance man.

No, you can't be; maintenance
men don't come that short.

Yes, they do. I mean,
he-he's not so short.

Hey, show us-stand up and
show 'em how tall you are.

I am standing up.

Oh.

Hi. I'm Della.

Holy mo-

Are you the-a maintenance man too?

Sure. Don't you like
the way I'm maintained?

Listen, we already
gave at the office.

But we'll give again.

- Davy.
- What?

- Peter.
- Peter.

- Mike and I.
- Yeah, come on.

No!

Um, can we help you
a little there?

Uh, here, lookit.
Uh, let us, uh, here.

Uh, why don't I just, uh, uh-

With the broom and sweep a little.

Just sweep a little.

Yeah, we'll help you.

Della?

Mi-Mi-Mike, over here.

Micky, you have a go with
the broom here.

Don't look down. Help me.
I've got nothing but aggravation.

I mean, this wheel is completely ruined.
I can't even use it again.

There's a wire attached to
the thing. It's just rigged.

It's bugged. It's just a total loss.
I've sent for the police.

They'll help me, 'cause I know nobody else
in the world helps you but yourself.

I just sent for the police
'cause it's their job.

You know, I'm just a
nervous wreck. Oh, officer.

Thank goodness you're here.

I just found this wire
attached to the wheel,

and whenever I'd shift my stick,
the house would lose a bet. Could you die?

- Stick shift.
- Yes.

- Wired wheels.
- Mm-hm.

- Sounds like a fast gang.
- It is.

- Let's go get 'em.
- Okay. Oh, lord. Hurry up.

Let me dust.

Della. ♪ Della, sweet as any fella ♪

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

♪ Della, everybody I know, ho, ho ♪

Micky, Micky. She has a line.
She has a line.

No.

You don't have a line?

♪ Stella, sweet as any fella ♪

Hey! We've been robbed.

Police! Police!

Police! Help! My money
has been stolen!

- We've been robbed!
- Police, police.

- We're the police.
- What took you so long?

Ah huh ha ha.

That's the one called Magic Fingers.

Yes, Magic Fingers. I'd like to
report our money's been robbed, stolen.

Are you willing to sign a
statement to that effect?

- Of course.
- Of course we are.

Now. Give this to Micky.

Okay. Micky, Mike sent that.

Ah. How you make capital M?

Capital M? You take one line,
forty-five degree angle,

ninety degree angle to that line,

forty-five degree angle
to the end of the line.

- Got it.
- Oh.

- Ah. Pencil broke.
- Oh.

- Well.
- What a shame. Heh heh.

Thank you. Now that we have a signed
confession, you're all under arrest!

- What?
- What?

- Arrest?
- Get 'em!

- No, no, we'd never-
- No!

- We're honest-
- Boo!

Hey, you guys have got
this all wrong.

You're supposed to arrest the
criminal, not the victim.

You know the one who commits the crime.

Didn't you learn that in cop shop?

- Move. Move.
- Police brutality!

Now, where's the money?

Ah! You can't bring us
in here like this.

I know my consti-oh!-
constitutional rights.

That's right.

You didn't inform us of our
right to have counsel.

I understand.

You can't make me just
sign a piece of

contract paper that I don't
know what it is.

You're right.

So why are you doing all this thing
here with this stuff and all that?

That's the way I always do it.

- Oh.
- Oh, I see.

- Oh, I understand.
- Now where's the money?

Some crooks stole it.

The stolen money you stole was stolen?

Ye-uh, yeah.

Come on. You can think of a
better story than that.

Okay, dig, uh, there was
this, uh, uh, beans.

- Yeah.
- Beans.

With this cow this cat had
he got for some beans.

- What was his name?
- Jack.

- Yeah. Jack.
- Jack.

And it grew up into this,
uh, uh, beanstalk.

Wait a minute!
Wait a second!

I suppose you didn't know about
the roulette wheel being rigged, did you?

The reel was wigged?

The reel was wigged!

Officer, arrest this man.

Wait. I didn't do it. I'm innocent.
I didn't do a thing.

The wheel was rigged?
You mean I didn't win?

These aren't magic fingers?
They're just plain old fingers.

I think you have nice fingers, Micky.

Look, fellas, I got a deal.

You get the money back in twenty-four
hours, and I won't press charges.

- Okay.
- Okay.

But if you don't get it back in
twenty-four hours, it's twenty years.

Twenty years? We're gonna go
to jail for twenty years,

and we don't even know
who the crooks are.

Well, if we can't find the crooks,

maybe we can get the
crooks to find us.

How can we do that, Mike?

Why don't we open a prison?

- Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh, is that stupid!

- Ooh, dumb!
- Oh, Peter. Peter!

Stupid idea, wow, man.
Hold it, guys.

- What?
- I know what we'll do.

Where's Peter gone?
Oh, there he is.

Mumble, mumble.

Rhubarb, rhubarb.

Oh, Peter.

Hey! Don't I know you?

No. I'm from Scranton.

Oh. Scranton?

Ten red.

Ten red.

Ten red.

Ten red.

Ten red. Oh, hello.

Hi there.

That's the guy with the
hands that crushed chhh.

He's gotta be one of the crooks.

Right! Hey, uh, don't bother
the Professor while he's thinking.

Who are you?

I'm, um, the Insidious Strangler.
I'm the boss of this, uh, gang.

Well, my boss wants to know what
your gang is doing in town.

Well, me boss says my gang is
here for robbery, extortion, and murder.

Sort of your regular
tourist activities.

Actually we're here to play a gig.

- Peter!
- Hm?

Look, when my boss wants to
know something, you better tell him.

Who's gonna make me?

Mauler. Come here.
Come here, Muscles.

- Yeah?
- This is Muscles the Mauler.

- Oh, yeah.
- Show him.

Go play in traffic if
you're not gonna gamble.

- Show him the same thing.
- Oh, really?

- Ha ha.
- Same thing, right?

Yeah, the same thing.

Yeah. How do you like that?

That's pretty good.

Oh, come on, now! Separate
checks for these two.

Now, this is ridiculous.
I only got one left.

Vicious Killer here spent two
years in solitary confinement.

Was it tough?

Nah. He did it standing on his head.

Good. I'll give him two more years
to get back on his feet again.

If you aren't gonna gamble,
will you please hurry up please?

What do you do for this gang?

We're here to take over this
town and win all the money.

How?

Well, I have this system, see?
It's almost perfected.

You square the linear coefficient of the
cube root raised to the power of X,

and then we invert the logarithms like this,
and now we add seven plus five,

which equals eleven, and we
extrapolate the third derivative-

Hold it. Hold it. Seven plus
five equals twelve.

You're right. You're right!
You're right!

This perfects my system!
My system is perfect! I have it!

Isn't that dumb?

The boss says you can come in now.

The boss says you can come in now.

Good. Let's come in.

We're coming in.

Hi!

Mm-hm. Sit down.

Hm-hm-hm, hm-hm-hm.

Hm-hm-hm. Hm.
Ah. Hm.

Mm. Hm-mm.
[coughs] Mm.

Ah-ah-ah! Ah! Mm!

- Hm!
- Hm!

- Hm-hm-hm!
- Hm-hm-hm!

- Hm-hm-hm!
- Hm-hm-hm!

- Hm-
- Hm-

Hm-hm-hm!

Rnrnr! You're a Yankee-

doodle dandy. You're the rat
that killed my brother. Hm!

You guys wanna talk to me?
Well, talk.

Hm, alright. I'll talk.
You listen.

The Professor here has a new surefire
way to beat the roulette table. Hm!

Hm. What's his surefire way?

Don't move.

Go ahead and talk.

Uh, well, it's the, uh, i-i-it
depends on the equalization of ratios.

Oh. It's the old equalization
of ratio bit, eh?

Right. Yes. That's right.

Go ahead.

Well, i-it's, uh-equal things are e-you
know, when you put them-here.

Let me show you. Um, first of all, you,
uh, like, take, uh, see, two glasses.

The same amount in, uh, both. See?

And, uh, they have equal
amounts in them,

and therefore,
they are the same as each other.

See? Well, they'll-they're different. Here.

You take this one and, uh, you take this,
and you'll see that if you drink together,

you'll find that they are unequal,
and when they are unequal,

that the ratios can no
longer be equalized.

Now, here, have a little of this and,
uh, we'll, um, have a little of that. Here.

Ah, thank you. Mm-hm.

Yeah, here, have some more.
Th-this one is the good one, and,

uh, we can see that that's a sixteen
red there, and the black is, uh, right.

Isn't that dumb?

Can I have another one?

Uh, sixteen red eye and sixteen
black eye, and, uh, here, have some-

Beautiful, Peter. Beautiful.
Beautiful. Lovely. Lovely.

- Guys? Guys?
- What?

- We gotta find the money.
- Right.

- Money.
- Find the money.

Okay. I'm gonna open
the drawer now.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

What's that?
What's that? Wuh?

Okay. It's a deal.
Your system, my money.

Ow! My magic f-f-f-f-f-fin-g-g-g-ger!

Take this, Wizard Glick.

Ooh! Guh! Who?

Wizard Glick.

Man, I'm not Wizard Glick.

Oh, you're not? Oh, sorry.

No, I'm not Wizard-

Is that the money?

Yeah. That's it over there.

Why don't you take it from him?

Why don't you take it from him?

Well, we can't. We have no
proof that's the stolen money.

You better make sure they
lose that money too.

It'll be easy. Don't worry.
Professor, what's the next number?

Um, twenty-four red.

Twenty-four red.

Twenty- twenty-four red.
See, they'll lose in the first spin.

You better make sure
they lose that money.

What did you say?

Hm. I said, "You could
choose on the first win".

I did, and twenty-four
red better win.

Ah.

Hey, don't I know you?

No, I'm from Transylvania.

Transylvania? Could you die
from that aggravation?

Well, I thought you said
you were from Scranton.

Right. Scranton, Transylvania.

Oh. Ah, so.

Ah, so. Sock it to me. Ha.

Twenty-four red. You win!

He's still winning money!

Oh!

We win. We win. You heard?
We win. We win!

It's a fixed machine. It's my own.
I don't understand this aggravation.

Lucky guess, I guess.

Lucky? You better believe it.

Remember, if you win
more than a million,

we throw the key away and
fill the cell with cement.

You better make sure
they lose that money.

Number, please, Professor.

Uh, two-twelve green.

Two-twelve green?

Two-twelve green? Are you nuts?

Put some glass in those glasses,
you dumb-dumb.

There's no two-twelve green.

They can't win.

Good thinking!

He's got nothing here, but he's
got it here. Hm. Good thinking.

I guarantee you'll get
your money back.

They can't possibly win this time.
I stake my life on it.

You are.

I know! Have you
been in Dez Moines?

Uh, you mean Des Moines?

No, Dez Moines.

No.

Oh. Mm.

Two-twelve green,
the winner! Blaah!

Two-twelve green?

There's no two-twelve green,
and he won again!

Ah.

It's my own game! I don't know
how he makes these things up.

I'm just not well. I'm just sick!

Wow!

I don't know how he does that.

Ah! We're made!

I'm sure I know you.
I never forget a wallet.

Here, why don't you go play
the dollar machine, honey?

- Oh, thank you!
- Go right ahead.

What are you doing
giving my money away?

- Place your bets, please.
- What's the next number, Professor?

Eighty-seven plaid.

We don't have any plaid, dumb-dumb!

Woo! Then we lose everything!

Good thinking. Oh, I'm-silly me.

I knew it. It's Magic Fingers!

Magic Fingers?
So that's the game!

They're trying to steal the money
we stole from them that they stole from us.

Hey, I'm not really-no.

Oh, yes, you are!

- No. I'm not-
- Get them!

With his fool's gold
stacked up all around him

From a killing in the
market on the war

The children left King Midas there,
as they found him

In his counting house where
nothing counts but more

And he thought he heard the
echoes of a penny whistle band

And the laughter from a distant caravan

And the brightly painted line
of circus wagons in the sand

Fading through the door into summer

With his travelogues of
"maybe next year" places

As a trade-in for a name upon the door

And he pays for it with years he
cannot buy back with his tears

When he finds out there's
been no one keeping score

And he thought he heard the
echoes of a penny whistle band

And the laughter from a distant caravan

And the brightly painted line
of circus wagons in the sand

Fading through the door into summer

Yes, he thought he heard the
echoes of a penny whistle band

And the laughter from a distant caravan

And the brightly painted line
of circus wagons in the sand

Fading through the door into summer

Fading through the
door into summer

Now, then-over-over here, kiddie.
Yeah. Uh, for all practical purposes,

you see, the show is over,
uh, but we have

in the television industry
what they call a tag,

uh, which is some sort of just complete
laugh riot at the end of a show-

Heh heh heh.

So that y'all tune back in next week,
you see, because it's so hilarious.

Now, the tag we're gonna do this week
is called a "here we go again" tag,

and Davy and Peter are gonna do it.
It involves Micky.

To think none of this would have happened
if Micky hadn't-a got the gambling bug.

Boy, but we're sure not
gonna get involved

in that scene again, are we, Micky?

- Never again.
- Micky? Micky?

- Micky?
- M-uh, Micky?

Okay, now, wait a minute.
Hold it, guys.

Now, you see, we cut over to Micky,

and you see him playing with
a gambling machine.

And now you cut back to us.

And now you cut back to us.

And now you cut back to us.

And now you cut back to us,

and we're supposed to give a
pained look to the camera.

Isn't that funny, kids?
Ah ha ha ha! Whoa ha ha!

La la la la...

You're not only cuddly toy that
was ever enjoyed by any boy

You're not the only choo-choo train
that was left out in the rain

The day after Santa came

You're not the only cherry delight
that was left out in the night

And gave up without a fight

You're not the only cuddly toy that
was ever enjoyed by any boy

You're not the kind of
girl to tell your mother

The kind of company you keep

I never told you not
to love no other

You must of dreamed it
in your sleep

You're not only cuddly toy that
was ever enjoyed by any boy

You're not the only choo-choo train
that was left out in the rain

The day after Santa came

You're not the only cherry delight
that was left out in the night

And gave up without a fight

You're not the only cuddly toy that
was ever enjoyed by any boy

You're not the kind of
girl to tell your mother

The kind of company you keep

I never told you not
to love no other

You must of dreamed it
in your sleep

You're not only cuddly toy that
was ever enjoyed by any boy

You're not only cuddly toy that
was ever enjoyed by any boy

La la la la...

Don't now! Now, really, everybody, cool it,
'cause I won't be able to get through this.

Action.

Hey, wow. That's a groovy
button. What does it say?

Love is the ultimate trip.

Ah, gee, that's a nice thought.

Gee, that's a neat button.
What does it say?

Let's go again!

Hey, that's a groovy
button. What does it say?

Love is the ultimate trip.

That's a nice thought.

That's a nice button.
What do-ah!

Cut. Let's go again.

Oh, wow! That's a groovy button.
What does it say?

It says love is the ultimate trip.

Oh, that's a nice thought.

That's a nice button.
What does it say?

Save the Texas-

Cut. Let's go again.

Hey, that's a groovy button.
What does it say?

Love is the ultimate trip.

Well, that's a nice thought.

That's a nice button.
What does it say?

- Save the Texas prairie-
- Cut. Let's go again.

Hey, what does it-hey, that's a
nice button. What does it say?

Love is the ultimate trip.

Oh, that's a groovy thought.

That's a nice button.
What does it say?

Save the Texas prairie-hold it.
Wait. No.

Cut. Let's go again.

Hey, that's a groovy button.
What does it say?

Love is the ultimate trip.

Oh, that's a nice thought.

That's a groovy button.
What does it say?

- Save the Texas prairie chicken.
- That-

In this generation
In this lovin' time

In this generation
We will make the world shine

We were born to love one another
This is somethin', we all need

We were born to love one another
We must be what we're goin' to be

And what we have to be, is free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

Love is understandin'
We gotta be free

We gotta be free

We gotta be free