The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 9 - Bat Mitzvah - full transcript

Wow, I cannot believe
it's our one-month anniversary.

- Mm-hmm.
- It feels so much longer.

It feels longer because
it's our second one-month

anniversary, remember? We broke up

- 'cause you cheated on me.
- I ignore things

that don't follow
my emotional narrative.

It's the whitest thing about me.

So what are you doing this weekend?

Oh, my God, my friend
Peter's coming to town.

You are going to love him.

He's like if Bud Light was an OB/GYN.



Well, at least I have you
to myself for one more night.

And I think you should
take advantage of it.

Ooh, that's very sexy. Should we play

- "boy band/sleazy manager"?
- Yes.

Come here, kid. I'll make you a star.

- Oh!
- What?

- There's a man in your window.
- What?

Anyone order a fried egg?

Peter! That's not a man, that's Peter.

Ooh.

- Peter, you're early.
- You know it.

And Lauren didn't want me
to meet the baby

till its immune system
was a little stronger.

- Hi!
- Hey.



- Hey.
- How's it going?

- Also, I came through your...
- Okay.

Fire escape because
your elevator is broken.

- ♪ IBrokeYourElevator.
- Okay.

Ben. Best entrance ever, by the way.

Ben. Ben, yes, I've heard

- so much about you.
- Oh.

And I've heard so much
about that Hebrew National.

I do wanna let you know
that I will be completely

out of your hair.
So go back to your lovemaking,

and I shall retire to Mindy's abode

for some lovemaking of my own.

- Is he really...
- Staying here?

Masturbating? A doctor? Yes.

♪♪

Hey, big guy, how you doing?

Yeah, it's Da-doo.

Peter, what are you doing?

- I'm Skyping with Henry.
- Stop it.

Look, Henry, I gotta go.
Mindy's being a buzzkill.

Remember that word I told you
to call Grandma.

Hey, last night was fun, wasn't it?

- What'd you think of Ben?
- I really liked him.

He didn't get mad about my racist jokes,

even though I could tell
he was getting uncomfortable.

I finally found
a guy as perfect as I am.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing, it's just
there must be a catch.

- He's so attractive.
- Peter, I am a 12.

That's why women can't stand me
and men don't take me seriously.

Rack him up against all
the other guys you've dated.

It's like, he's by far
the most handsome.

That is not true.
What about Danny or Casey?

Sweaty Smurf or DJ Paleface? Come on.

I'm not gonna listen to a guy who thinks

that the freezer cleans his jeans.

- Are you using my toothbrush?
- How do you want me

- to answer this?
- Ugh.

Before we get going,
I just want to remind everybody

that I'm hosting a Born
movie marathon tomorrow night.

Just to be clear, that is
the three classic film versions

- of "A Star is Born."
- Boo, boo, it's so boring!

- Let's go.
- Once again, Peter,

morning meeting is reserved
for current employees.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I was helping.

Yeah, say "thank you." What the hell?

Thank you.
Now, I'm sad to report that our

receptionist Ida is retiring.
Her Cosby money finally

came through, so we're looking
for a new receptionist.

No need, boss. The position is filled.

Everybody, meet our new receptionist,

- my girlfriend Karen.
- Hi, I'm Karen.

I posted a list of my
allergies in the kitchen.

Colette, you don't have
the authority to hire anybody.

- But Peter said it was okay.
- Peter doesn't work here.

And nonetheless,
I'm doing your job for you.

Say "thank you." Jeez.

I would love to sit there
with you guys, if that's okay.

- I don't think there's any room, man.
- There's no room.

Can we move on? Can we please...

Oh, how long is this meeting
gonna be? Because I have

- a dentist appointment.
- Duly noted.

- Okay, our next or...
- Sorry I'm late, Jeremy.

Is it true Peter Prentice is here?

- In the flesh.
- Son of a bitch, I give up.

Come on, come on, come on.

How genius was it for us to combine

- our mid-day hookup with lunch?
- It wasn't great when you

dropped your meatball
on my head, but yeah.

That is a testament to your talents.

I never drop food. I can't wait

- to tell Peter about this.
- Okay, we're still at work.

Let's just act casual. How you doing?

So what's Peter doing all day?
Is he a real doctor?

Or is like when colleges
give out honorary degrees

- to Kermit the Frog?
- It's terrifying, I know.

Oh, hey, do you wanna hang out
with us this weekend?

We're gonna stay in,
and we're gonna create

a YouTube channel that's just
us prank calling pizza places.

Wow, that sounds amazing,
but I actually have

Lindsay's bat mitzvah this weekend.

- What?
- Yeah.

That's huge. She must be so excited.

Okay, that means I only have
a couple days to get

one of those necklaces
that's in the shape

- of a Jewish sheriff's badge...
- No, no.

You don't have to come.
It's not like one of those

fancy New York bat mitzvahs
where Derek Jeter

is lighting the candles
and Drake's performing.

This is... this is
very small, very boring,

- plus you have Peter in town.
- Okay, if you think that's

for the best, then sure.
We'll just celebrate next week.

Oh, my God, she's a woman now, right?

So I can take her to the clubs.

Are Jell-O shots kosher?

- No, you're not doing that.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Is that your lunch?

- Oh, no, this is my dessert.
- What'd you have for lunch?

- I went for a run.
- Weird.

Oh, someone's happy.

I wish I could whistle.
My teeth are too loose.

- Mm.
- Mm.

I'm just so excited about my new lady,

but if it's bothering you, I will hum.

Well, I could actually
hum a duet with you as I am

so happy that you're over Mindy.

Time heals all wounds.
Except real wounds,

those require Western medicine.

Oh, I'm so glad he's

not pining over Dr. L anymore.
He spent a lot of time

polishing his rifle in the dark.

So how's the new lady?
Describe her body and spare no detail.

Ugh, that's the weird thing.
I have not met her,

and I meet all of his girlfriends.

I ask her the three
Kimball-Kinney questions:

Where's your daddy from?
Where's your granddaddy from?

And we're not allowed to ask
the third question anymore.

Let's go.

I don't want my edible to kick in before

we get to the Tenement Museum.
I wanna see history come to life.

Okay, I just need to finish my
happy bat mitzvah text to Lindsay.

Ow, oh, I bit my tongue
trying to bite my tongue.

Just say it. Look, I get it,

I have hair on my face.
It's 'cause I'm anorexic.

I think you be at that
bat mitzvah, Mindy, with Ben.

Oh, no, Ben said it was
gonna be awkward and weird

- and he wanted to spare me.
- All bar mitzvahs

are awkward and weird.
At my bar mitzvah,

I did my Haftorah
in an Adam Sandler voice.

It sucked.

Oh, my God, Ben told Lindsay
that I was busy at work.

You know I ain't busy.
We're a couple of losers.

Ehh, something's up with that Ben guy.

Isn't his ex gonna be there,
the same ex that he tried

to get back with last month?
And you're not gonna be there?

- Uh-huh, girl.
- Lindsay wants me to go,

so I think we should just crash it.

That's a horrible idea,
so I am in, and who knows?

Maybe even Opera Man
will make an appearance.

♪ A-Mindy-o ruin bat mitzav-o ♪

Gotta tell you, I love
our roommate situation.

My life's gotten so much better
since we started sharing

- boxers and tube socks.
- We do?

Oh, look, look, it's your brother.

You know, from work.

Oh, I bet that's his new girlfriend.

Ooh, oh, okay. Shh.
Let's take a look. Come on.

Ugh, Jody's back with Dr. L.
No wonder he didn't

- want me to meet her.
- Come on, come on.

Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, come here. Come here.

We can get a better look over here.

Come on, come on, come on.

Wait a minute! That's not Dr. L.

For one thing,
she's eating with utensils.

♪ Bar-khu et Adonai ham-vo-rakh ♪

- ♪ Ba-rukh Adonai... ♪
- ♪ Blah, blah, bom-bom-ba-dom ♪

♪ Ham-vo-rakh l'o-lam va-ed ♪

- ♪ Ba-rukh Adonai ♪
- Marv, Irv, Silvia, Rose.

How do you know all their names?

I don't know their names,
I'm just playing the odds.

Okay.

♪ V'na-tan la-nu et To-ra-to ♪

♪ Ba-rukh a-ta ♪

- ♪ Adonai no-tayn ♪
- Oh, snaps,

that must be his ex-wife.
She's really hot.

You see that's the kind of
woman that makes sense for him.

Okay, you don't know
that that's his ex-wife.

It could be, like, a hot
seat-filler, like at the Oscars,

and his real, ugly ex-wife
is in the bathroom.

Right here,

whenever you're ready.

Okay, that's his ex-wife. That's her.

Facacta my life.

Now that they're all standing
together like that,

I'm really getting a picture
of the family,

and it's quite beautiful.

I hate how height appropriate they are.

Yeah, it's like someone decided to draw

a modern-day American
love story, and this is

- what they came up with.
- Ben is a dead man.

This is gonna be a red bat mitzvah.

- Shh.
- Thank you all for sharing

in this special day with us.

As you know, we've had
some ups and downs,

but we'll always be a family.
Ben, me, Lindsay, and

the newest member of our family,
Lindsay's cell phone.

This is funny.

Patricia and I just wanted
to say that everyone here

invited today, you guys
are here because you're

the most important people in our lives.

Um, of course, there's other people here

who weren't invited, and those
people are amazing too.

Great, sexy... not, not sexy, of course,

that's totally inappropriate.
But, really, in this

day and age, people are so busy
it's a relief not to be

invited to these things.
I mean, you should take that

- as a compliment.
- Honey, you're rambling.

No, I... I might be
rambling 'cause I'm so

proud of you, baby.
And... and as you are a true

testament to um, uh, patience.

Can you wrap it up?

- Hey, Morgan, Colette.
- Hey.

- What?
- I thought you were

- at soccer practice.
- Oh, yeah, my soccer game

got cancelled... the forward
cheated on the sweeper,

but in her defense,
she didn't use her hands.

Soccer joke.

Do you wanna introduce us to your date?

- Yeah, who... who are you?
- This is Claire.

We met when I bought
a sweater she was folding

at the men's store,
and she honked my rear end

until I promised to
follow her on Twitter,

- and now she is my lady friend.
- "Lady friend," ex-squeeze me?

What are you,
a thousand years old, pedo?

Claire reminds me

of somebody from work, don't you think?

Well, she doesn't remind me of anyone.

She is unique and perfect
and... oh, my word, Claire,

you took down that lasagna in a hurry.

Thanks. Hey, do you guys wanna join us?

I was just about to tell
the story of why I'm

not allowed to live in the
same state as Jessica Chastain.

Fascinating.

Oh, oh, love to.
We... we gotta go though.

- Yeah, I think we have to go.
- Yeah, let's go.

We might be stuck in, like,
another dimension or...

Smell you later.

I wanna make sure I'm holding some kind

- of machine gun or Tommy gun.
- Yeah, and I'd like to

be wearing a bikini,
but I don't wanna look silly.

Yeah, make me look handsome, but funny.

Mindy, Peter, what are you doing here?

I am sitting with this artist
getting my portrait done, sir.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I guess. You have some nerve.

- I have nerve?
- Yeah, your daughter texted me.

She wanted me to be here, and
you told her I couldn't come.

You know I'm never too busy to come.

Hey, will you just
keep it down, all right?

- I'm sorry, you look super hot.
- You look amazing too,

but this is a bat mitzvah.

People only argue
about how drafty it is.

And by the way, would it
kill you to close a window?

Mindy, can we talk alone, please?

I don't know,
I wouldn't trust it, Mindy.

This is some classic
hot Jewish guy stuff.

You know, you come in here
with your Adam Levine swagger

to take advantage of
the fives of the world

while the Eugene Levys
gotta come down from Canada

- and clean up the situation.
- I think you're underestimating

both of our looks, but yes,
yes, I agree with that point.

I should have been more honest with you.

I apologize, but I'm just trying
to protect you from Patricia.

She's kind of crazy.

Oh, Patricia's crazy?

- Yes.
- Okay, she can't

- be crazier than me.
- This bitch nuts.

Yeah, I crashed
a little girl's bat mitzvah

with a guy who's high on shrooms.

I am tripping balls right now.

- Benjamin.
- Hey.

- Hi, where have you been?
- Uh...

Hello, I'm Lindsay's mom, Patricia.

I don't remember you from
the seating chart.

Um, that's...

actually, it's funny.

- She's, uh, this is...
- It's funny? Ben?

- I know... I know him because...
- She's, um...

- Ben?
- I'm, um, I'm, um...

- She's a rabbi.
- Yes, I am a rabbi.

- You're a rabbi?
- She's a rabbi.

From a very progressive
temple in Manhattan.

We're actually conjoined with a mosque

which turned out to be a bad idea.

That's why I didn't introduce myself.

I think that is so cool.

You know, I also converted to Judaism.

I'm not crazy about the spreadable fish,

but it was worth it for someone special.

- Heh.
- Rabbi, nice meeting you.

- Benjamin, we should go.
- Okay.

- Face painter's drunk.
- All right.

I'm sorry.

- I'm a rabbi?
- I'm on mushrooms, Mindy,

at a bat mitzvah.

- Let's just get out of here, okay?
- Excuse me, are you

- the rabbi from the city?
- Uh, yeah, shalom.

I need your advice.

I have a secret family.

Shh, guys.

I can barely hear
our "Star Is Born" -a-thon.

I mean, Jody is basically
dating Dr. L all over again.

It's just plain weird,
even for Jody, a man

- who collects historical teeth.
- And that woman is a lame

imitation of Dr. L.
I heard her say yesterday,

- "I'm full."
- Stop talking.

We haven't got through
the Janet Gaynor "Star is Born"

yet, let alone the Judy Garland
"Star is Born,"

or the Barbra Streisand "Star is Born."

It's just that Jody's new girlfriend is

a spitting image of Dr. L,
by which I mean

they both spit a lot.

Okay, fine, but Jody's not gonna make
the same mistake twice, is he?

He is, and if you don't
believe us, just come to

the men's store where Claire
works and see for yourself.

Plus I gotta get new cargo shorts.

I know this store.

I cried in the dressing room once.

- Oh, there she is, guys.
- She is the very picture

of Mindy, right down to that

strip of ankle hair she missed shaving.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

- Ahh...
- Hi.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey!

- Oh, hi.
- Claire, what a coincidence.

We were just here shopping,
uh, for a wood sign

that says "beach."

That's just a decoration, psycho.

Uh, Claire, I'm Jeremy Reed,
Jody's best friend 1994 to 1996.

I'm sure he's probably mentioned me.

Maybe. Honestly, I usually use the time

he's talking to think up
interesting facts

- to make up about myself.
- Mm.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

So you guys having fun?
You and Jody, it's going well?

Or is it kind of, like,
a creepy situation,

you just can't put your finger on?

Like you're competing
with a ghost, a shrill,

high-pitched, Indian ghost?

- No, it's... it's okay.
- Mm-hmm.

But honestly, I usually
go for small Italian guys.

Yeah, I'm such a perv for those
soft, pillowy lips, ooh.

- Ooh, Marone.
- Oh.

Jody's going through
something right now,

and he cannot take another heartbreak.

- Are you sure you're into him?
- Well, actually, no.

I've been trying to break up
with him, but every time I do,

he showers me with gifts.
Yesterday, I texted him

"We need to talk,"
and he bought me a Mercedes.

- Not again. Not again.
- Oh.

My guests are praising your wisdom.

Rabbi, thank you
for letting me pull you away.

I'm having a crisis of conscience.

Does he need to be here?

He smells weird and his fly is down.

Oh, God.

Yeah, she's right about both things.

I should go.
There's, like, barely any line

at the photo booth right now.
I'll... I'll get my sombrero

- and mustache on.
- He has to stay.

He's a rabbi trainee.
This is Peter, he has

a green yarmulke, but he's
training for his purple one.

Yeah, it works like karate belts.

Fine, well, a month ago,
it seemed like Ben and I

might get back together.
I'd even begun re-gluing

- our family photos.
- Would that God wanted

that to be the case.
He's got a new girl.

I don't know how serious he can be about

his new girlfriend
if he didn't even invite her

- to Lindsay's bat mitzvah.
- I think they're just having

a little bit of a... a dip.
I heard their sex life is crazy.

Bangin'.

Here's what I wanted to ask you, Rabbi.

I want to reconcile with Ben.

Can a relationship ever
recover after an affair?

To be honest with you, I think not.

I think once you get a taste
of that strange, there's no

point in going back to, like,
the regular every day.

You know what I'm talking about.

Okay, okay, I didn't
love the way that Rabbi Peter

put that, but he's right.
You know, if you had an affair,

I don't think there's a way that
Ben could ever trust you again.

Oh, I didn't have the affair, Ben did.

- Mm?
- Hey, Trish, we gotta

- take those family photos.
- Mindy, you came!

- Hi, Linds.
- Wait a minute, you're Mindy?

Ben's girlfriend?

- Yeah, we told you that, didn't we?
- We went over that.

- I thought we talked about that.
- Yeah.

- I made that very clear.
- No, this is unacceptable.

And your fly is still down.

Oy gevalt.

I can't believe you lied.
Is that man even a rabbi trainee?

Who, me? Actually, I'm... I'm a
stay-at-home dad from Texas,

and I'm not circumcised even, so...

Okay, Linds, why don't you
go talk to Nana Reneé about

- how much movies used to cost.
- I want to stay.

I'm a woman now.

Oh, great, so you're
gonna get a job, then?

Trish, I need you to relax.

I should've told you
who Mindy was, but I didn't

- know that you were coming.
- You crashed a little

girl's bat mitzvah?
What an irrational, violent act.

Okay, that's a lot.
We all make mistakes, right?

I crashed a bat mitzvah,
some of us have affairs

- when they're married.
- Why did you tell her that?

See, it's always the handsome ones.

Me? I never cheated.

Been cheated on, bunch of times.

Mindy, you need to leave.

Okay. I'll go.
With just a million unanswered

questions about my boyfriend.
Come on, Peter.

What do you mean? He didn't say,
"Peter, you have to go."

Peter, you have to go.

Well, what an unexpectedly
giant group of visitors.

- Uh, can I fix anyone a drink?
- I'll have a vanilla milkshake

- or nothing at all.
- Nothing it is.

- Why are you all here?
- Jody, you know I'm so excited

- you're dating again.
- Me too.

This is an intervention.
Dr. L and Claire

are like the same person.
You're a weirdo.

I thought this was about
the bottle of scotch

- he drinks at lunch every day.
- No, we're not going

to talk about that, that's cultural.

Mindy and Claire are the same?
Well, they're as different

as eggplant and aubergine,
as tangerine and clementine.

As yam and sweet potato. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, yes.
Face it, Dr. K, you're trying

to recreate this relationship
with Dr. L that you didn't

- have in the first place.
- It's not that

I can't get over Mindy. I can't get over

the way she made me feel.
She challenged me,

she made me grow.

Oh, those brown eyes and those

- strong laborer's hands.
- Hey, we all love

- Dr. L's big, gnarled hands.
- Yeah, you need to

work backwards from
how a person makes you feel,

- not the way they look or squawk.
- Okay, Colette,

I suppose you're right.
I'll talk to Claire,

and I guess this means I'll lose
my store discount, but...

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You stay with Claire.

Sorry, guys, this was all for naught.

I'm not giving up the discount, okay?

I bought this outfit
at that store, now look at this.

- Sad.
- Look at this.

You got to back up when I spin, dude.

Hey, can we talk?

- Is Peter still here?
- We had cake for dinner,

and he fell asleep during "Ant-Man."

I carried him to bed.
Can I help you, sir?

You didn't take your gift bag.
There's a tube of Proactive

- and a pamphlet on bullying.
- Yeah, I could use

- both of those, good-bye.
- Hey, hold on, one second.

Come on, Mindy, I'm sorry.
The truth is I didn't want you

to come to Lindsay's bat mitzvah
because it was easier for me.

I get wanting to make things
easier for our exes, okay?

I hope Danny dies of old age
before he ever meets you.

- What worries me is the affair.
- I get it.

- It's scary, right?
- Yeah, I know, that's why

I was kind of hoping
you'd never find out about it.

Look, I made a mistake.
The marriage wasn't working,

it was over, and Patricia
wouldn't even talk about

getting a divorce, so, yeah,
I... I did what I did.

But you need to know I am not that guy.

I know that.
Look, can we just make a deal

that if we ever break up,
which I hope we never do,

it's not gonna be because
one of us cheated?

Deal, because if we ever
do break up, it's probably

because you killed me.

Oh, 100%, especially
with all these guns around

and how my vision's been declining.

This has been the best week.
Thank you so much,

and I'm pretty sure I heard
you and Ben in the living room

last night, hmm?

I like.

Very nice.

It was very nice. I did like.

Dr. Lahiri, are you
back to work, or is day ten

of your friend visiting?

Holy shit! She works here?

And I've been whacking it
to Colette this whole time.

Anyway, I have a pile of work for you

for when your slovenly friend leaves.

Thanks, Anna.

Do you feel like
we had a connection just then?

Dr. Prentice, your wife

is on the phone. She's wondering why

it's taken you seven days
to run out for diapers.

I gotta get back to Texas.

- I love you, dude, bye.
- Sometimes I get so sad,

- I wish you never came.
- I will definitely hit you up

next time I need a break from my
life, which seems to be always.

Bye, Peter.

I'm trying to do some work here.
Can you get off my jock?

Charming. Hello, Mindy.

Oh, uh, Patricia. You're here,

- at my place of work.
- I just wanted to come here

and say that, despite everything
that happened, I really hope

we can have a good relationship
moving forward.

Shouldn't be too hard,
I'm extremely likeable.

And you live in Missouri,
so I'm sure we'll

- never see each other.
- Actually, I've been thinking,

and it's time for me
to move back to New Jersey.

- Ex-squeeze me?
- If this weekend

taught me anything, it's that Lindsay

really needs me, and so does Ben.

I guess we will be seeing
a lot of each other.

Have a great day.

Go to bed.