The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 10 - Take My Ex-Wife, Please - full transcript
Mindy acts out after learning that Ben's super-hot ex-wife is in town visiting him. Anna, having trouble at home, begrudgingly asks her coworkers for help.
It's always bad
when you have a messy breakup
with someone at work,
especially when that someone
is Jody Kimball-Kinney...
a man whose pride is easily wounded.
Plus, he's the king
of dragging things out.
The awkward moments,
the stilted conversations,
that nagging feeling that I've
heard is called "guilt."
Oh, come...
But it's been a couple months,
and even I don't drag
things out this long.
I'm starting to wonder...
will things ever go back to normal?
This is exciting.
It's been such a long time
since we've taken
Later Baby to a college.
Are you sure you wouldn't
rather do this one on your own?
Bowdoin College is in Maine.
No Kimball-Kinney has
been that far north.
What if I wander to Canada
and they force free health care on me?
Huh? Okay, you're going to Maine.
And who knows? Maybe you'll fall in love
with, like, a beautiful
lighthouse keeper's daughter,
and we find out she was
a ghost the whole time.
Oh, God, I'm gonna sneeze.
Ugh, Morgan, those T-shirts
- are worth more than your life.
- I'm so sorry, I...
I picked up a little bug,
which bit me, and now
- I'm a little sick.
- But you're well enough
to go to Maine, right?
Good. I'm totally good.
It's actually... it's kind of
a high-profile illness.
You might've read about it
in "TIME" magazine.
Xenophobia? I have that, too!
Oh, no, Morgan. Do you have Zika?
Yep, Zika, boom. But it's not contagious
unless you have sex,
so let's go... let's go
get some young women pregnant.
Looks like it's just you and me, Mindy.
- Hmm.
- Oh, God.
Morgan, what are you still doing here?
The CDC and me told you to go home.
Your sweat dissolved one of our chairs.
- Okay, you got to help me up.
- Come on, man.
Thank you, Tamra.
Why is it always me who gets sick?
'Cause you share a bed
with ten wet dogs.
You're fine.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
I'm excited you're going to Maine.
Oh, remember, if you see Stephen King,
you got to get me his autograph.
No, I hate that guy.
He's the reason I had blood dumped on me
at three separate school dances.
Hey, I wanted to ask you something.
You remember my ex-wife,
Patricia, right?
Mm-hmm, the beautiful
African-American woman
that you have a child with?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah, that one.
So she's moving
back to New Jersey to be
closer to Lindsay,
and I was wondering
if she could stay at my house
for a few days only
until she gets her own place,
but I just wanted to make sure
that was okay with you.
Oh, yeah, no, I love that kind of thing.
- That sounds great.
- Great, don't worry.
We will have separate bedrooms,
we won't even hang out,
and I'm gonna wear that Marvel
cologne that women hate...
Stan Lee's Invincible.
Okay. Just text me every 10 minutes.
No, wait, that's crazy.
We'll just stay on the phone
the whole time.
Hey, you got to trust me, Mindy.
I do trust you.
I mean, if you can trust me with
your email password,
then I can trust you with this.
What?
Nothing.
Hello. If you could all look up
from the work you're not doing,
I have an announcement.
Everyone, this is my husband, Tim.
He was in the neighborhood
getting out of jury duty.
You know what I went with? Racist.
Wait, you're Doctor Z's husband?
I know, can you believe it?
I don't know how I managed
to convince a woman like this
to marry me.
Oh, yeah, I'm kidding.
I do know how I did it.
I'm totally rich.
Oh, Tim, that reminds me.
Don't forget dinner tonight
with the McDucks.
Yes, uh, just a second.
No, honey, I-I can't make that.
A-a work thing just came up.
Oh, okay.
Well, at least this means
I can make my board meeting
for the Audubon Society.
We're choosing
our birds for the calendar.
It's going to be a total shitshow.
Ah, well, I'm off to catch the subway.
Just kidding. Can you imagine?
All right, I love you.
Thank you.
Okay, I saw something
hella shady last night,
but I promised myself I wouldn't
spread gossip anymore.
But I never said I wouldn't sing it.
♪ I was up in the club,
poppin' bottles like, whoa ♪
♪ Saw Dr. Z's husband
grindin' up on some ho ♪
Dr. Z's husband was cheating?
She's too hot to be cheated on.
Does he hate beauty?
So we haven't really caught up lately.
Any special ladies in your life?
Oh, nothing I feel like discussing.
This is a work trip.
Let's just stick to work topics.
Okay, anyone cute at the
hospital you have your eye on?
Oh, my God, did you see
Nurse Kim's new rack?
They feel very natural.
I don't mean like that.
I mean work, you know.
Dr. Ledreau showed me
a very new, interesting
laparoscopic technique yesterday.
No, that's educational.
I went to school for, like, 20 years,
I'm done with that ish.
Mindy, I'm sorry,
but I really do not wish
to discuss matters of the heart.
I want to just focus on my driving,
try not to hit any deer or Stephen King.
You just look at your phone.
Fine.
Anna here are the ultrasounds
for Mrs. Rosen.
Ooh, are you tearing up strips
for papier-mâché?
No, tearing up paper
is a coping mechanism
my psychiatrist taught me.
Right.
So the strips are up for grabs
for papier-mâché?
Jeremy, what does it mean
for a straight man with a wife
to not come home
several nights in a row?
Oh.
Well, we needn't always
assume the worst.
Father used to disappear for weeks,
but he would always come back
with an ivory chessman for me,
and one time a half-Vietnamese boy
I was supposed to treat like a brother.
That wasn't as comforting
as I hoped it would be.
Look, Anna, you know I like
to see the best in people,
but if this fish stinks,
it's probably rotten.
Right.
Well, thank you for being so direct.
Whew, that was really hard.
Us English people are not
good at being direct, yeah,
unless you lay a finger
on our Falkland Islands.
Well, please take
as much paper as you'd like.
Thank you. I didn't
want to pressure you.
Okay, whoa.
What up? It's your boy.
Zika Diary day two.
If I don't make it, I...
I want you to tell
Grandmother I love her.
- Ugh.
- More importantly...
Watch my dad sink this putt.
Here we go, you watching?
It's Ben and Lindsay playing mini golf.
This is how it's done.
Oh!
- Ben, stop! You're cheating!
- Who's cheating?
- You... you just cheated.
- Yeah, Dad, you're cheating.
All right.
Are you okay?
It's nothing. I'm fine.
All right.
Ben promised me
that he wasn't gonna hang out
with his ex-wife,
and he's spending time with her.
They're playing mini golf.
It's frickin' adorable.
He knows I'm not
athletic enough for that.
Well, she is the child's mother.
There's no reason to be suspicious.
- Yeah?
- What does she look like?
Oh, damn. Girl can get it.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry.
Uh, look, there's nothing
you can do about it right now.
If it'll take your mind off of things,
I'm willing to lift both
of my objections to you driving.
Yeah, maybe I should drive.
Plus, if I'm not driving,
I can partake in a little refreshment.
Oh, my God,
If I fall asleep
and my hand goes down my pants,
do not worry... it is not sexual.
I'm just instinctually
protecting the family line.
What's up? It's your boy.
Little Zika update.
So I died for a little bit,
because I saw a bright light,
and I felt this bony hand
on my shoulder,
and it wasn't Grandma this time.
That was really good, Morgan.
Let's just keep rolling,
and I'm just gonna rattle off
some will and testament stuff.
I'm gonna leave all my dogs to you, Tam.
You got to take care of all of them,
love them like they were your own.
- Hi, guys.
- What up, Colette?
How was work? What happened?
She didn't tell you?
Tamra caught Anna's husband
cheating on her.
- What?
- Ooh...
Wait, were you filming that?
I am, and...
Oh, I think I just posted it.
What?
Delete it before WikiLeaks gets it.
I can't. It already reposted
on HuffPost Divorce.
She didn't tell you?
Tamra caught Anna's husband
cheating on her.
Oh, my God!
- You hit Stephen King!
- No.
Why does the man insist
on walking on the freeway?
No, no, we didn't...
No one hit Stephen King.
Oh, my God.
Tamra caught Anna's husband
cheating on her.
Ooh, how humiliating.
Tamra caught Anna's husband
cheating on her.
Ben, stop! You're cheating!
- Who's cheating?
- You... you just cheated.
Yeah, Dad, you're cheating.
You know when you become
obsessed with an Insta video
that may or may not indicate
that your boyfriend still has
feelings for his ex-wife,
so you abandon your plans
and you drive to his home?
I do.
Ah, Maine. The Pine Tree State.
Musty smell of little
lived-in vacation homes.
I can almost hear their insane governor.
Wait, where's all the plaid shirts?
That guy's wearing a tracksuit
with a gold chain.
- Where are we?
- Okay, we're not in Maine.
We're in New Jersey,
and we're at Ben's house.
I'm really sorry, okay?
I had to do it, and I hope one
day you can forget about it.
Well, this is an outrage.
We have derelicted our duties at
Later Baby, and you've kidnapped me.
A minority woman kidnapped a white man?
Okay, who would believe you
in a court of law?
Hello, Bowdoin Student Affairs?
Yes, I'm calling from Later Baby.
I have been abducted
by a deranged Asian woman
and transported across state lines,
but I promise you I will be there.
Come on, Mindy.
No, Jody, just chill out, please.
- Oh.
- Mindy.
I thought you were at that college.
No, I bailed on that.
I thought it'd be way more fun
to hang out with you and Lindsay,
unless she's too tired
from playing all that mini golf.
Well, Lindsay's actually at a sleepover.
I see that you brought Jody.
Uh, don't worry.
I'm here merely as a hostage.
Okay.
Well, would you like to come in?
Patricia's actually cooking
dinner if you two want to join.
Patricia's cooking dinner
for the two of you alone?
- Uh...
- Oh, Mindy.
I didn't know you were coming.
I'm sorry. I only bought two pork chops.
You're gonna have
to cut them into thirds, then.
That sounds like a great solution.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Do you want to take my car and just go?
- 'Cause you can.
- Are you kidding me?
I drank the entirety of my hip flask
and the entirety of my boot flask.
You can't drive like that in the North.
One sec.
Hey, dude, your alcoholism
is not my problem tonight,
and I need your help right now,
so you're gonna come inside
for some goddamn dinner, okay?
We're so excited to join you for dinner.
- Thank you so much, Patricia.
- Great.
- Excuse me.
- Please come in.
Oh, Anna. Everything okay?
I know it's rude to show up unannounced,
but I reasoned that if I called ahead
that would give you a chance to say no.
As ever, your logic is impeccable.
Please, please, come in.
Leave your shoes on my tatami mat.
Oh, I like that.
I think the world should be more Asian.
I often wear a surgical mask
on the subway.
Well, as I'm sure you
have seen on social media,
Tim has been cheating on me.
Oh, well, your feathers
look a bit ruffled,
but you seem remarkably calm,
considering the situation.
Well, I spent the whole cab
ride screaming into my purse.
Oh, careful, stress can place
a real toll on the body.
Take Kate Middleton's
difficult pregnancy.
Gave me a real case of the 'roids.
I don't think I needed
to know that part,
but I would like a place
to stay tonight,
because if I go to a hotel,
I will stay up all night cleaning it.
You can stay here.
I have a guest room for friends
and family that I've never used.
Oh, good.
Oh.
This way, this way. Come on.
Hey, Ben, I'm just gonna
help Patricia with dinner.
Make sure she doesn't stiff me
on my portion.
Oh, I've got dinner under control.
Besides, you wouldn't know
where everything is
in my kitchen.
Okay, well, how is
the house hunt coming?
You know, New Jersey prices
can be incredibly expensive.
Maybe you should broaden your search
to, like, Delaware,
Pennsylvania, Alaska.
You would love Alaska.
I don't know.
Ben doesn't seem like he's in
any hurry for me to leave.
You know what, lady?
I know what you're doing,
and it's not gonna work.
I'm not doing anything.
I'm letting Ben make his own decisions.
Will he choose me,
the mother of his child,
or you, the mother
of someone else's child?
Okay, next time you mention my son,
you're gonna be drinking
your dinner through a tube.
Hey, girls, I could use
some help setting the table.
Coming!
No, no, no, out of my way.
18-year-old female, deceased,
found face down in a bog.
Evidence of foul play.
Suspects... manifold.
Is this the show
about the middle-aged woman
who goes to a sleepy town
to try to solve a crime?
Oh, that's everything on the BBC...
"Broadchurch,"
"Happy Valley," "Snodpole,"
"Chamberton," "Return to Chamberton."
And who is that blonde woman?
Well, she's the suspect.
Yeah, she's been accused of
murdering her cheating husband,
and now even her friends
have turned against her.
We should watch something else.
- How are you holding up, Anna?
- Oh, I'm all right.
I should've seen the signs with Tim.
We've been sleeping
in separate bedrooms for months.
I thought it was
a sign of our affluence.
Oh, I can relate.
Father used to rent a flat in town,
and I would share a bed with Mother.
Well, I do appreciate
your being so kind to me here
and at work.
Hey, you make it easy.
And in my opinion,
any guy who cheats on you
is a damn fool.
No, no, Anna, we can't.
You... you've been drinking.
I'm your supervisor.
Oh.
How could I be objective
about your office-supply
requests at work?
Oh, God, I read this all wrong.
I will find someone else to stay with,
or worst case...
I'll go to 24 Hour Fitness
and exercise until dawn.
Anna.
Jody, are you sure
I can't fix you a plate?
Thank you, no. I am hungry,
but I don't want to impose
on an intimate family dinner.
I think it's rude.
Hey, any luck getting a ride
to get out of here?
Well, I am trying to find an Uber taxi,
but I keep canceling because
I don't trust these weird names.
They're all Eastern European and women.
Okay.
Patricia, this pork chop smells amazing.
It smells amazing,
but does it taste amazing?
I, for one, think that taste
is the most important aspect
to any food.
Son of a bitch. It's very good.
I must say, it's refreshing
to see a woman
who knows her way around the kitchen.
Uh, glass of red?
I bought you a bottle
of your favorite local wine.
Oh, Ray Liotta Vineyards.
It's so sweet that you remembered.
Um, I also got you something, babe.
Give me all your cash.
Ugh.
Hurry up.
It's... it's $60 from the heart.
That way, he can buy whatever he wants.
That's so sweet of both of you,
but there's no need to fuss over me.
Patrick!
As if the Irish know how to drive.
Ah, if this is another ghost,
leave me alone.
- What up, Dr. Z?
- You look really sick.
Have you been to the hospital?
Yeah, they sent me home
for being too annoying.
What are you doing here?
Why are you in my neighborhood?
Um, I came because I just...
I could use some company.
Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Hold on.
Oh, oh! Aah!
Ugh!
Hey, full disclosure...
There's Zika all over your scarf.
- Yeah, just...
- I'm gonna take it.
Just please get it off.
Oh, God, just destroy it.
You know, Patricia,
if you'd feel more comfortable,
I would love to put you up at a hotel.
You know, I actually have those
free days from Radisson
because I was injured in a bed collapse.
Thank you, but, no.
A hotel wouldn't have
so many happy memories.
Huh.
Anyone want seconds?
Mindy, you want fourths?
Ouch, what the hell?
Do you sharpen your toenails to a point?
Hey, that's rude.
They're naturally sharp.
I can do nothing about that.
The ladies at the nail salon
call me Mama Hawk.
All right, Mindy, what is going on?
You barge in here unannounced.
You're rude to Trish.
You brought a guy
who bought you an apartment.
Oh, don't worry,
my Uber man's on his way
in his... Volvo?
I wouldn't trust a Swede
to find his own elbow,
much less Manhattan. "Cancel."
Okay, I had to come here
because she is clearly
trying to get you back.
And you know what?
She told me that
at your daughter's bat mitzvah.
Oh, please, why would
I say something like that
to a deranged stranger?
Honestly, Ben, I don't feel safe
with her in our house.
Well, it's not your house.
It belongs to the bank.
I know that 'cause I was
snooping through your files.
Mindy, Trish and I
have a daughter together.
She's always gonna be a part of my life.
You have to accept that.
I mean, you've come to accept
my action-figure room.
Okay, fine.
Well, maybe I won't
always be part of your life.
- I'm leaving.
- Wait...
Jody, we're leaving.
Oh, ride with an angry
Asian-lady driver?
Oh, I'm not that drunk.
No, I'm gonna wait for Turlock?
God damn it.
Wait, Mindy.
Thanks for cleaning up, Ben.
I'll be upstairs.
Okay.
What? What's wrong?
Look, I'm sorry. I told you...
I don't have the ingredients
to make Sazerac.
Well, that's all right.
You got the most important part.
Ben, I try to make it a point
to leave the judging
to, uh, our good Lord
and the honorable Miss Judy Sheindlin,
but I think you're in a bit of a pickle.
Hey, is your car coming?
Or do you want me
to make up the couch for you?
When I was a boy,
I had a beautiful Irish setter
named Manassas.
- Okay.
- We did everything together.
We roamed the hills, fished the creeks,
even licked peanut butter
off each other's noses.
Then one day I hollered at old Manassas
for chewing on my ball glove,
and it was over.
He took off, but soon
I got myself a new dog.
Hey, do you want to check your phone?
'Cause sometimes the driver texts.
My new dog was a mangy, loud,
ornery old cuss named Hamhock.
Now, no one would say
that Hamhock was prettier
than my old dog,
but Hamhock was loyal, and she was mine.
So, on that day, months later,
when old Manassas finally
came back from his travels,
I did the only thing I could do.
I shot him dead.
What? Oh, my God.
Ben, do you understand my story?
I think so.
You just drank so much whiskey.
Well, look at that.
Ben, face it.
It's like that old saying
we have in the South...
"That woman is trying
to get back with you."
I guess I liked that two women
were fighting over me.
Hey, I get it. The only thing better
is having three women fighting over you.
Ask the Dixie Chicks about that.
I'm gonna go talk to her. Thanks, Jody.
Sure.
Hey, feel free to finish up the whis...
Wow, all gone. Good work.
Dave in an Oldsmobile...
now, that I can work with.
Just push it in.
The lock's been broken for months.
Uh, hello.
Uh, I just wanted to
make sure you got home safe.
And I thought you might be hungry,
because, well,
that's usually a safe bet.
You brought me McDonald's?
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Jody.
Oh, man, an Egg McMuffin
and French fries?
I love all-day breakfast.
I can't wait to eat this whole bag.
Well, some of that stuff's
for me, but y-you go to town.
Hey, I'm really sorry that
I bailed on our trip to Bowdoin,
but I called them, and
I rescheduled our presentation,
and we're gonna be doing it
during Spring Fling.
I already got my fake ID.
Okay, but I'm not letting you
drive this time.
And I'm really sorry
that I dragged you to New Jersey
against your will.
I got to stop taking hostages.
And what even was the point?
Because Ben and Patricia
are probably having sex
on top of their divorce
paperwork as we speak.
Oh, I wouldn't be too sure
about that, Hamhock... Mindy.
Listen, I don't like
the way things have been between us.
- Me neither.
- Can we be friends again?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Friends with sexual tension?
- Okay.
So what are we watching?
This is "Batman v Superman."
Wait, why are they dueling?
Aren't they both
on the same side of justice?
Yeah, it's a little confusing.
I think they're trying to figure
out which one of them is hotter.
Mm. Oh, that's that boy
from "Peal Harbor."
- Yes, good eye.
- Thank you.
Okay, some backstory...
he was with "Maid in Manhattan."
And then he got married
to "13 Going on 30."
That clarifies nothing for me, no.
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Anna? I didn't know you slept.
Mindy, uh, I must have nodded off
during my Arabic exercises.
Whoa, you look bad.
Excuse me?
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just...
I've never seen you rumpled before.
I was starting to think
you might be a robot.
Oh, that's why you keep
dumping cups of water on me.
It is.
Hey, I heard
about what happened with Tim.
I'm really sorry.
Cheating is not okay,
unless you're the Patriots.
It's just nothing like this
has ever happened to me before.
I-I don't even think I can go
back to the brownstone
to get my wrist weights.
I can feel myself losing arm tone.
Do you have a place to stay?
Uh, I don't know.
Honestly, I've never lived alone before.
First it was home, and then
Miss Tipton's School for Girls,
and then Swarthmore,
and then Harvard Med,
and then I met Tim.
Damn, #AnnaSoWhite.
I don't even know
how to find an apartment.
Do I write a letter to the mayor?
Look, Anna, why don't you
just stay with me for a while?
Really?
I must warn you,
most of my female roommates
have tried to become me.
Yeah, that might happen.
Okay, here are the house rules.
You have to laugh at all my jokes.
You have to applaud all my outfits.
You can eat vegetables,
just not in front of my son.
So I just... I won't eat, then.
What's up, ladies?
I know, I know. I have Zika. Shh.
But I missed you guys,
and I... I'm feeling a lot better.
You look really sick.
I feel great. I...
- Aah!
- Oh!
Morgan! Oh, my God!
- Is he dead?
- I don't think so.
- Morgan, don't you dare die.
- Ugh.
I need you pick up
my dry cleaning later.
Go to bed.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
when you have a messy breakup
with someone at work,
especially when that someone
is Jody Kimball-Kinney...
a man whose pride is easily wounded.
Plus, he's the king
of dragging things out.
The awkward moments,
the stilted conversations,
that nagging feeling that I've
heard is called "guilt."
Oh, come...
But it's been a couple months,
and even I don't drag
things out this long.
I'm starting to wonder...
will things ever go back to normal?
This is exciting.
It's been such a long time
since we've taken
Later Baby to a college.
Are you sure you wouldn't
rather do this one on your own?
Bowdoin College is in Maine.
No Kimball-Kinney has
been that far north.
What if I wander to Canada
and they force free health care on me?
Huh? Okay, you're going to Maine.
And who knows? Maybe you'll fall in love
with, like, a beautiful
lighthouse keeper's daughter,
and we find out she was
a ghost the whole time.
Oh, God, I'm gonna sneeze.
Ugh, Morgan, those T-shirts
- are worth more than your life.
- I'm so sorry, I...
I picked up a little bug,
which bit me, and now
- I'm a little sick.
- But you're well enough
to go to Maine, right?
Good. I'm totally good.
It's actually... it's kind of
a high-profile illness.
You might've read about it
in "TIME" magazine.
Xenophobia? I have that, too!
Oh, no, Morgan. Do you have Zika?
Yep, Zika, boom. But it's not contagious
unless you have sex,
so let's go... let's go
get some young women pregnant.
Looks like it's just you and me, Mindy.
- Hmm.
- Oh, God.
Morgan, what are you still doing here?
The CDC and me told you to go home.
Your sweat dissolved one of our chairs.
- Okay, you got to help me up.
- Come on, man.
Thank you, Tamra.
Why is it always me who gets sick?
'Cause you share a bed
with ten wet dogs.
You're fine.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
I'm excited you're going to Maine.
Oh, remember, if you see Stephen King,
you got to get me his autograph.
No, I hate that guy.
He's the reason I had blood dumped on me
at three separate school dances.
Hey, I wanted to ask you something.
You remember my ex-wife,
Patricia, right?
Mm-hmm, the beautiful
African-American woman
that you have a child with?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah, that one.
So she's moving
back to New Jersey to be
closer to Lindsay,
and I was wondering
if she could stay at my house
for a few days only
until she gets her own place,
but I just wanted to make sure
that was okay with you.
Oh, yeah, no, I love that kind of thing.
- That sounds great.
- Great, don't worry.
We will have separate bedrooms,
we won't even hang out,
and I'm gonna wear that Marvel
cologne that women hate...
Stan Lee's Invincible.
Okay. Just text me every 10 minutes.
No, wait, that's crazy.
We'll just stay on the phone
the whole time.
Hey, you got to trust me, Mindy.
I do trust you.
I mean, if you can trust me with
your email password,
then I can trust you with this.
What?
Nothing.
Hello. If you could all look up
from the work you're not doing,
I have an announcement.
Everyone, this is my husband, Tim.
He was in the neighborhood
getting out of jury duty.
You know what I went with? Racist.
Wait, you're Doctor Z's husband?
I know, can you believe it?
I don't know how I managed
to convince a woman like this
to marry me.
Oh, yeah, I'm kidding.
I do know how I did it.
I'm totally rich.
Oh, Tim, that reminds me.
Don't forget dinner tonight
with the McDucks.
Yes, uh, just a second.
No, honey, I-I can't make that.
A-a work thing just came up.
Oh, okay.
Well, at least this means
I can make my board meeting
for the Audubon Society.
We're choosing
our birds for the calendar.
It's going to be a total shitshow.
Ah, well, I'm off to catch the subway.
Just kidding. Can you imagine?
All right, I love you.
Thank you.
Okay, I saw something
hella shady last night,
but I promised myself I wouldn't
spread gossip anymore.
But I never said I wouldn't sing it.
♪ I was up in the club,
poppin' bottles like, whoa ♪
♪ Saw Dr. Z's husband
grindin' up on some ho ♪
Dr. Z's husband was cheating?
She's too hot to be cheated on.
Does he hate beauty?
So we haven't really caught up lately.
Any special ladies in your life?
Oh, nothing I feel like discussing.
This is a work trip.
Let's just stick to work topics.
Okay, anyone cute at the
hospital you have your eye on?
Oh, my God, did you see
Nurse Kim's new rack?
They feel very natural.
I don't mean like that.
I mean work, you know.
Dr. Ledreau showed me
a very new, interesting
laparoscopic technique yesterday.
No, that's educational.
I went to school for, like, 20 years,
I'm done with that ish.
Mindy, I'm sorry,
but I really do not wish
to discuss matters of the heart.
I want to just focus on my driving,
try not to hit any deer or Stephen King.
You just look at your phone.
Fine.
Anna here are the ultrasounds
for Mrs. Rosen.
Ooh, are you tearing up strips
for papier-mâché?
No, tearing up paper
is a coping mechanism
my psychiatrist taught me.
Right.
So the strips are up for grabs
for papier-mâché?
Jeremy, what does it mean
for a straight man with a wife
to not come home
several nights in a row?
Oh.
Well, we needn't always
assume the worst.
Father used to disappear for weeks,
but he would always come back
with an ivory chessman for me,
and one time a half-Vietnamese boy
I was supposed to treat like a brother.
That wasn't as comforting
as I hoped it would be.
Look, Anna, you know I like
to see the best in people,
but if this fish stinks,
it's probably rotten.
Right.
Well, thank you for being so direct.
Whew, that was really hard.
Us English people are not
good at being direct, yeah,
unless you lay a finger
on our Falkland Islands.
Well, please take
as much paper as you'd like.
Thank you. I didn't
want to pressure you.
Okay, whoa.
What up? It's your boy.
Zika Diary day two.
If I don't make it, I...
I want you to tell
Grandmother I love her.
- Ugh.
- More importantly...
Watch my dad sink this putt.
Here we go, you watching?
It's Ben and Lindsay playing mini golf.
This is how it's done.
Oh!
- Ben, stop! You're cheating!
- Who's cheating?
- You... you just cheated.
- Yeah, Dad, you're cheating.
All right.
Are you okay?
It's nothing. I'm fine.
All right.
Ben promised me
that he wasn't gonna hang out
with his ex-wife,
and he's spending time with her.
They're playing mini golf.
It's frickin' adorable.
He knows I'm not
athletic enough for that.
Well, she is the child's mother.
There's no reason to be suspicious.
- Yeah?
- What does she look like?
Oh, damn. Girl can get it.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry.
Uh, look, there's nothing
you can do about it right now.
If it'll take your mind off of things,
I'm willing to lift both
of my objections to you driving.
Yeah, maybe I should drive.
Plus, if I'm not driving,
I can partake in a little refreshment.
Oh, my God,
If I fall asleep
and my hand goes down my pants,
do not worry... it is not sexual.
I'm just instinctually
protecting the family line.
What's up? It's your boy.
Little Zika update.
So I died for a little bit,
because I saw a bright light,
and I felt this bony hand
on my shoulder,
and it wasn't Grandma this time.
That was really good, Morgan.
Let's just keep rolling,
and I'm just gonna rattle off
some will and testament stuff.
I'm gonna leave all my dogs to you, Tam.
You got to take care of all of them,
love them like they were your own.
- Hi, guys.
- What up, Colette?
How was work? What happened?
She didn't tell you?
Tamra caught Anna's husband
cheating on her.
- What?
- Ooh...
Wait, were you filming that?
I am, and...
Oh, I think I just posted it.
What?
Delete it before WikiLeaks gets it.
I can't. It already reposted
on HuffPost Divorce.
She didn't tell you?
Tamra caught Anna's husband
cheating on her.
Oh, my God!
- You hit Stephen King!
- No.
Why does the man insist
on walking on the freeway?
No, no, we didn't...
No one hit Stephen King.
Oh, my God.
Tamra caught Anna's husband
cheating on her.
Ooh, how humiliating.
Tamra caught Anna's husband
cheating on her.
Ben, stop! You're cheating!
- Who's cheating?
- You... you just cheated.
Yeah, Dad, you're cheating.
You know when you become
obsessed with an Insta video
that may or may not indicate
that your boyfriend still has
feelings for his ex-wife,
so you abandon your plans
and you drive to his home?
I do.
Ah, Maine. The Pine Tree State.
Musty smell of little
lived-in vacation homes.
I can almost hear their insane governor.
Wait, where's all the plaid shirts?
That guy's wearing a tracksuit
with a gold chain.
- Where are we?
- Okay, we're not in Maine.
We're in New Jersey,
and we're at Ben's house.
I'm really sorry, okay?
I had to do it, and I hope one
day you can forget about it.
Well, this is an outrage.
We have derelicted our duties at
Later Baby, and you've kidnapped me.
A minority woman kidnapped a white man?
Okay, who would believe you
in a court of law?
Hello, Bowdoin Student Affairs?
Yes, I'm calling from Later Baby.
I have been abducted
by a deranged Asian woman
and transported across state lines,
but I promise you I will be there.
Come on, Mindy.
No, Jody, just chill out, please.
- Oh.
- Mindy.
I thought you were at that college.
No, I bailed on that.
I thought it'd be way more fun
to hang out with you and Lindsay,
unless she's too tired
from playing all that mini golf.
Well, Lindsay's actually at a sleepover.
I see that you brought Jody.
Uh, don't worry.
I'm here merely as a hostage.
Okay.
Well, would you like to come in?
Patricia's actually cooking
dinner if you two want to join.
Patricia's cooking dinner
for the two of you alone?
- Uh...
- Oh, Mindy.
I didn't know you were coming.
I'm sorry. I only bought two pork chops.
You're gonna have
to cut them into thirds, then.
That sounds like a great solution.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Do you want to take my car and just go?
- 'Cause you can.
- Are you kidding me?
I drank the entirety of my hip flask
and the entirety of my boot flask.
You can't drive like that in the North.
One sec.
Hey, dude, your alcoholism
is not my problem tonight,
and I need your help right now,
so you're gonna come inside
for some goddamn dinner, okay?
We're so excited to join you for dinner.
- Thank you so much, Patricia.
- Great.
- Excuse me.
- Please come in.
Oh, Anna. Everything okay?
I know it's rude to show up unannounced,
but I reasoned that if I called ahead
that would give you a chance to say no.
As ever, your logic is impeccable.
Please, please, come in.
Leave your shoes on my tatami mat.
Oh, I like that.
I think the world should be more Asian.
I often wear a surgical mask
on the subway.
Well, as I'm sure you
have seen on social media,
Tim has been cheating on me.
Oh, well, your feathers
look a bit ruffled,
but you seem remarkably calm,
considering the situation.
Well, I spent the whole cab
ride screaming into my purse.
Oh, careful, stress can place
a real toll on the body.
Take Kate Middleton's
difficult pregnancy.
Gave me a real case of the 'roids.
I don't think I needed
to know that part,
but I would like a place
to stay tonight,
because if I go to a hotel,
I will stay up all night cleaning it.
You can stay here.
I have a guest room for friends
and family that I've never used.
Oh, good.
Oh.
This way, this way. Come on.
Hey, Ben, I'm just gonna
help Patricia with dinner.
Make sure she doesn't stiff me
on my portion.
Oh, I've got dinner under control.
Besides, you wouldn't know
where everything is
in my kitchen.
Okay, well, how is
the house hunt coming?
You know, New Jersey prices
can be incredibly expensive.
Maybe you should broaden your search
to, like, Delaware,
Pennsylvania, Alaska.
You would love Alaska.
I don't know.
Ben doesn't seem like he's in
any hurry for me to leave.
You know what, lady?
I know what you're doing,
and it's not gonna work.
I'm not doing anything.
I'm letting Ben make his own decisions.
Will he choose me,
the mother of his child,
or you, the mother
of someone else's child?
Okay, next time you mention my son,
you're gonna be drinking
your dinner through a tube.
Hey, girls, I could use
some help setting the table.
Coming!
No, no, no, out of my way.
18-year-old female, deceased,
found face down in a bog.
Evidence of foul play.
Suspects... manifold.
Is this the show
about the middle-aged woman
who goes to a sleepy town
to try to solve a crime?
Oh, that's everything on the BBC...
"Broadchurch,"
"Happy Valley," "Snodpole,"
"Chamberton," "Return to Chamberton."
And who is that blonde woman?
Well, she's the suspect.
Yeah, she's been accused of
murdering her cheating husband,
and now even her friends
have turned against her.
We should watch something else.
- How are you holding up, Anna?
- Oh, I'm all right.
I should've seen the signs with Tim.
We've been sleeping
in separate bedrooms for months.
I thought it was
a sign of our affluence.
Oh, I can relate.
Father used to rent a flat in town,
and I would share a bed with Mother.
Well, I do appreciate
your being so kind to me here
and at work.
Hey, you make it easy.
And in my opinion,
any guy who cheats on you
is a damn fool.
No, no, Anna, we can't.
You... you've been drinking.
I'm your supervisor.
Oh.
How could I be objective
about your office-supply
requests at work?
Oh, God, I read this all wrong.
I will find someone else to stay with,
or worst case...
I'll go to 24 Hour Fitness
and exercise until dawn.
Anna.
Jody, are you sure
I can't fix you a plate?
Thank you, no. I am hungry,
but I don't want to impose
on an intimate family dinner.
I think it's rude.
Hey, any luck getting a ride
to get out of here?
Well, I am trying to find an Uber taxi,
but I keep canceling because
I don't trust these weird names.
They're all Eastern European and women.
Okay.
Patricia, this pork chop smells amazing.
It smells amazing,
but does it taste amazing?
I, for one, think that taste
is the most important aspect
to any food.
Son of a bitch. It's very good.
I must say, it's refreshing
to see a woman
who knows her way around the kitchen.
Uh, glass of red?
I bought you a bottle
of your favorite local wine.
Oh, Ray Liotta Vineyards.
It's so sweet that you remembered.
Um, I also got you something, babe.
Give me all your cash.
Ugh.
Hurry up.
It's... it's $60 from the heart.
That way, he can buy whatever he wants.
That's so sweet of both of you,
but there's no need to fuss over me.
Patrick!
As if the Irish know how to drive.
Ah, if this is another ghost,
leave me alone.
- What up, Dr. Z?
- You look really sick.
Have you been to the hospital?
Yeah, they sent me home
for being too annoying.
What are you doing here?
Why are you in my neighborhood?
Um, I came because I just...
I could use some company.
Come on in.
- Thank you.
- Hold on.
Oh, oh! Aah!
Ugh!
Hey, full disclosure...
There's Zika all over your scarf.
- Yeah, just...
- I'm gonna take it.
Just please get it off.
Oh, God, just destroy it.
You know, Patricia,
if you'd feel more comfortable,
I would love to put you up at a hotel.
You know, I actually have those
free days from Radisson
because I was injured in a bed collapse.
Thank you, but, no.
A hotel wouldn't have
so many happy memories.
Huh.
Anyone want seconds?
Mindy, you want fourths?
Ouch, what the hell?
Do you sharpen your toenails to a point?
Hey, that's rude.
They're naturally sharp.
I can do nothing about that.
The ladies at the nail salon
call me Mama Hawk.
All right, Mindy, what is going on?
You barge in here unannounced.
You're rude to Trish.
You brought a guy
who bought you an apartment.
Oh, don't worry,
my Uber man's on his way
in his... Volvo?
I wouldn't trust a Swede
to find his own elbow,
much less Manhattan. "Cancel."
Okay, I had to come here
because she is clearly
trying to get you back.
And you know what?
She told me that
at your daughter's bat mitzvah.
Oh, please, why would
I say something like that
to a deranged stranger?
Honestly, Ben, I don't feel safe
with her in our house.
Well, it's not your house.
It belongs to the bank.
I know that 'cause I was
snooping through your files.
Mindy, Trish and I
have a daughter together.
She's always gonna be a part of my life.
You have to accept that.
I mean, you've come to accept
my action-figure room.
Okay, fine.
Well, maybe I won't
always be part of your life.
- I'm leaving.
- Wait...
Jody, we're leaving.
Oh, ride with an angry
Asian-lady driver?
Oh, I'm not that drunk.
No, I'm gonna wait for Turlock?
God damn it.
Wait, Mindy.
Thanks for cleaning up, Ben.
I'll be upstairs.
Okay.
What? What's wrong?
Look, I'm sorry. I told you...
I don't have the ingredients
to make Sazerac.
Well, that's all right.
You got the most important part.
Ben, I try to make it a point
to leave the judging
to, uh, our good Lord
and the honorable Miss Judy Sheindlin,
but I think you're in a bit of a pickle.
Hey, is your car coming?
Or do you want me
to make up the couch for you?
When I was a boy,
I had a beautiful Irish setter
named Manassas.
- Okay.
- We did everything together.
We roamed the hills, fished the creeks,
even licked peanut butter
off each other's noses.
Then one day I hollered at old Manassas
for chewing on my ball glove,
and it was over.
He took off, but soon
I got myself a new dog.
Hey, do you want to check your phone?
'Cause sometimes the driver texts.
My new dog was a mangy, loud,
ornery old cuss named Hamhock.
Now, no one would say
that Hamhock was prettier
than my old dog,
but Hamhock was loyal, and she was mine.
So, on that day, months later,
when old Manassas finally
came back from his travels,
I did the only thing I could do.
I shot him dead.
What? Oh, my God.
Ben, do you understand my story?
I think so.
You just drank so much whiskey.
Well, look at that.
Ben, face it.
It's like that old saying
we have in the South...
"That woman is trying
to get back with you."
I guess I liked that two women
were fighting over me.
Hey, I get it. The only thing better
is having three women fighting over you.
Ask the Dixie Chicks about that.
I'm gonna go talk to her. Thanks, Jody.
Sure.
Hey, feel free to finish up the whis...
Wow, all gone. Good work.
Dave in an Oldsmobile...
now, that I can work with.
Just push it in.
The lock's been broken for months.
Uh, hello.
Uh, I just wanted to
make sure you got home safe.
And I thought you might be hungry,
because, well,
that's usually a safe bet.
You brought me McDonald's?
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Jody.
Oh, man, an Egg McMuffin
and French fries?
I love all-day breakfast.
I can't wait to eat this whole bag.
Well, some of that stuff's
for me, but y-you go to town.
Hey, I'm really sorry that
I bailed on our trip to Bowdoin,
but I called them, and
I rescheduled our presentation,
and we're gonna be doing it
during Spring Fling.
I already got my fake ID.
Okay, but I'm not letting you
drive this time.
And I'm really sorry
that I dragged you to New Jersey
against your will.
I got to stop taking hostages.
And what even was the point?
Because Ben and Patricia
are probably having sex
on top of their divorce
paperwork as we speak.
Oh, I wouldn't be too sure
about that, Hamhock... Mindy.
Listen, I don't like
the way things have been between us.
- Me neither.
- Can we be friends again?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Friends with sexual tension?
- Okay.
So what are we watching?
This is "Batman v Superman."
Wait, why are they dueling?
Aren't they both
on the same side of justice?
Yeah, it's a little confusing.
I think they're trying to figure
out which one of them is hotter.
Mm. Oh, that's that boy
from "Peal Harbor."
- Yes, good eye.
- Thank you.
Okay, some backstory...
he was with "Maid in Manhattan."
And then he got married
to "13 Going on 30."
That clarifies nothing for me, no.
_
__
_
__
_
__
Anna? I didn't know you slept.
Mindy, uh, I must have nodded off
during my Arabic exercises.
Whoa, you look bad.
Excuse me?
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I just...
I've never seen you rumpled before.
I was starting to think
you might be a robot.
Oh, that's why you keep
dumping cups of water on me.
It is.
Hey, I heard
about what happened with Tim.
I'm really sorry.
Cheating is not okay,
unless you're the Patriots.
It's just nothing like this
has ever happened to me before.
I-I don't even think I can go
back to the brownstone
to get my wrist weights.
I can feel myself losing arm tone.
Do you have a place to stay?
Uh, I don't know.
Honestly, I've never lived alone before.
First it was home, and then
Miss Tipton's School for Girls,
and then Swarthmore,
and then Harvard Med,
and then I met Tim.
Damn, #AnnaSoWhite.
I don't even know
how to find an apartment.
Do I write a letter to the mayor?
Look, Anna, why don't you
just stay with me for a while?
Really?
I must warn you,
most of my female roommates
have tried to become me.
Yeah, that might happen.
Okay, here are the house rules.
You have to laugh at all my jokes.
You have to applaud all my outfits.
You can eat vegetables,
just not in front of my son.
So I just... I won't eat, then.
What's up, ladies?
I know, I know. I have Zika. Shh.
But I missed you guys,
and I... I'm feeling a lot better.
You look really sick.
I feel great. I...
- Aah!
- Oh!
Morgan! Oh, my God!
- Is he dead?
- I don't think so.
- Morgan, don't you dare die.
- Ugh.
I need you pick up
my dry cleaning later.
Go to bed.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com