The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 8 - Hot Mess Time Machine - full transcript
Still reeling from her breakup with Ben, Mindy finds herself living the same day over and over again, and realizes that the only way to break the spell is to make things right with Ben.
- Previously on
"The Mindy Project"...
I'm with Ben now, so I don't
have to think about
these weirdos and losers
ever again.
- Weirdos and losers?
Which one am I?
- Hi, Jamie.
- Are you seeing anyone?
- His name is Ben,
and he works as a...
We work at the
hospital together.
- You are such a good nurse.
I want other people to see that.
- Where do you work, man?
- I'm a, uh...
- He's a television personality.
- What's going on?
What's wrong?
- We are going friggin' live
on "The Today Show,"
and I can't find Ben.
- What should we drink to?
- Dumb boyfriends.
- All this time,
you've been wondering
if I'm good enough for you.
But you know what, Mindy?
I don't think you're
good enough for me.
- ♪ I'ma be your love ♪
♪♪
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
Damn it, that's my
third phone this month.
Ugh.
♪♪
Oh, my God.
Speaking of month...
Ugh.
I'm getting my monthly visit
from the Kool-Aid man.
Oh, yeah.
Ugh.
Why do I keep using these
to clean my ears?
♪♪
Well, at least I know
where my gun is.
I am an adult in my 30s.
Why can't I even remember
to steal bathroom stuff
from work?
Oh, come on.
- Wow, those super foods
look disgusting.
Why can't pizza be a super food?
- Hot dog buns.
Very absorbent.
Could I...
no, no, no, no.
Well, when it rains, it pours.
And in this case, man,
is it pouring.
I'm on my period,
my son is with his father
at Colonial Williamsburg,
and last week, my cool boyfriend
dumped me for kissing a guy.
I didn't even touch his butt.
- Coming up later this
Wednesday morning,
a new study shows that
being single and over 30
can lead to adult acne.
- Come on.
It's 8:00 a.m., and this is
already the worst day ever.
♪♪
- Although historically
unpopular,
I've always liked this
particular mnemonic,
and I think you will, too.
- Clear the deck.
She's in her flow-veralls.
- Thank you for joining us,
Mindy.
Now, as you all know,
this meeting is about
the critical subject of...
anyone?
Forceps hygiene.
Come on, guys, don't any of you
read your work emails?
- I'm not allowed
to have work email,
because all my online
dating rejections
were slowing down the server.
- Jeremy, can we
get this moving?
The quicker we can get through
this crappy presentation,
the sooner we can get on
with our crappy days.
- Very well.
Today, we'll be focusing on the
ABCDEs of forceps maintenance.
Oh, God!
Colette, you sneezed on me.
Gross.
- Sorry, my handkerchief's
at the dry cleaners,
and Anna's too
beautiful to muss.
- Oh, Collette, you're a dear.
- Ow!
Beverly, you stabbed me!
- Relax, this is my fruit knife,
not my people knife.
- Oh, yeah, Dr. L, we're
ordering Chinese for lunch.
You want to just get your usual,
the Imperial
Family Style Banquet?
- No, Tamra, I just want,
I don't know,
boiled chicken and water
chestnuts, please.
- Well, that's a skinny
person's lunch.
Are you trying to lose weight?
Oh, my God.
Ben dumped you.
What?
No...
- Yes, Ben dumped me.
And for what?
For kissing another guy?
It's ridiculous.
Hollywood celebrities
do that all the time,
and their relationships
are great.
- Would it help if he
kissed another woman?
I've seen the way
he looks at me.
- Okay.
- What were you thinking?
This is your last, desperate
chance at a happy ending.
You've squandered it, you fool.
- I don't get what
the big deal is.
Why is Ben so great?
- Well, he's handsome,
intelligent,
treated you well,
and he's Jewish,
which has certain
socioeconomic advantages.
- Okay, Anna, thank you
for your incisive commentary.
You know what?
I'm out of here.
I don't have to deal
with this anymore.
- Don't go.
Yup, flow-veralls.
This is gonna be a rough
5 to 14 days.
♪♪
- Hey, do you want
to trade lunches?
- Yes, I have
a ham and cheese sandwich
from the vending machine.
Technically, it's from
under the vending machine.
- Okay, just... just take it.
- Thank you.
You are too kind to me.
I don't know what
Ben was thinking.
- He was probably thinking,
"Why is that ho making out
with another guy?"
But for the record,
Ben isn't so perfect himself.
- Mm-mm.
- Okay?
Too much product in his hair,
loves comic books,
and he enjoyed foreplay.
- Yeah, what does he
have going for him
besides his good looks and
the fact that he's nice to you?
Nothing.
- Oh, man, the Petersons,
only my least favorite patients.
- Oh, God, are they the ones
that don't trust a woman
to do the sonogram?
- At least this is literally
the last time
I ever have to see them.
- Oh, God, it's all fat.
♪♪
Ugh, I'm better off
with the sandwich.
♪♪
- Congratulations,
Mrs. Peterson.
You are the mother
of a beautiful,
seven-pound baby girl.
- She doesn't feel
like seven pounds.
I know that trick.
That's what they do at the deli.
- And why's her face red?
What'd you do?
- Well, she is healthy.
She has ten fingers, ten toes,
one set of genitals.
Nice knowing ya.
♪♪
Of course.
Perfect.
Hey, Ben.
Just please feel free
to ignore me.
♪♪
- After you.
I'm sure you have
important places to be,
people to kiss.
- Look, I am really sorry,
and I almost never say that.
And when I do say that,
I never mean it.
But this time, I...
- You know what, Mindy?
Save it.
Have a nice day.
♪♪
- Hey, Leo, I hope
you're having fun
in Colonial Williamsburg.
It's so nice that you do
such nerdy stuff with your dad.
You're a good kid.
I miss you, babe.
Bye.
Well, today couldn't
have been worse,
but it's over.
Tomorrow, my outlook
will be brighter,
and my flow will be lighter.
♪♪
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
- Oh, come on.
I could've sworn I
threw this cup away.
Hmm.
Oh, right, my period.
Well, at least today
I'm prepared.
Huh.
But I bought a new box
of tampons last night.
Did a very weird burglar come?
♪♪
Maybe I just need
to eat something.
♪♪
The milk's finished?
Have I been sleep-chugging
again?
♪♪
- Coming up later
this Wednesday morning,
a new study shows that
being single and over 30
can lead to adult acne.
- Wednesday?
What the hell?
- I've checked every
calendar I own,
and they all say that today
is Wednesday again.
Did I sleep through
a whole week?
Like after I won that
pancake-eating contest?
- Although historically
unpopular,
I particularly like
this mnemonic,
and I think you will, too.
- Clear the deck.
She's in her flow-veralls.
- Thank you for
joining us, Mindy.
As you all know, this meeting
is about the critical
subject of... anyone?
- Forceps hygiene?
- Nerd alert.
- Someone checks
their work emails.
From now on, I'll be sending
you twice as many.
I'm sorry, my handkerchief's
at the dry cleaners.
- And Anna's too
beautiful to muss.
- Please don't objectify me.
- Ow! Beverly, keep your fruit
knife in your knife drawer.
- I can't, it's full of bullets.
- Hey, hey, can I talk
to you for a second?
- Yeah.
Everyone out.
- No, this is a meeting.
- Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Morgan, I know this is gonna
make me sound nuts,
but I woke up this morning,
and today has played out
exactly like yesterday.
I think I'm living some kind
of, like, "Groundhog Day."
- Okay, I got it.
How can I help?
- Got it?
What I just told you
was completely crazy.
- Yeah, you know what?
The universe is a crazy place.
Do you know in Canada,
they drive on the exact same
side of the road as we do?
- Okay, I really thought
that you would think
this is a bigger deal.
- I don't know, if you were
in a "Freaky Friday"
or it was, like,
a "Shaggy Dog" situation,
then I'd be like,
"Oh, my God."
- Well, why is this
happening to me?
Wait, what's the point
of "Groundhog Day"?
- The point of "Shaggy Dog" is
the guy from
"Home Improvement"...
What's his name from
"Home Improvement"?
- Ray Romano.
- No, no!
Aw, come on, it's on
the tip of my tongue.
I'm gonna Google it.
It... it... it's like a Tom.
Tommy...
Tim Allen!
♪♪
Where'd she go?
- Congratulations,
Mrs. Peterson
on another baby girl.
- Oh, it's just
another baby girl?
I'm sorry the birth of our
firstborn child
isn't exciting for you.
- Oh, no, it's just that
this very same thing
happened yesterday.
- We get it.
You deliver babies every day.
- I'm sorry.
Baby Charlotte is so beautiful.
- We wanted to be the ones
to tell her her name.
- How did you even know that?
Did his mother
tell you the name?
- No.
- So what if she did?
- God.
- It's not a secret or anything.
- Why did I even tell you?
♪♪
- Oh, God.
This again?
- No, no, no, no, no.
You don't get to be the one
that's annoyed to see me.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just
having crazy déjà vu.
- You're having déjà vu?
Are you about to make out
with another dude
right in front of me?
- Okay.
Solid burn.
♪♪
Okay, so today did bear
some striking similarities
to yesterday.
But I think it's just
a coincidence,
like how my pants always shrink
after the holidays.
Tomorrow will be Thursday,
and I will look back on this
as a wacky blip in an otherwise
sexy and fulfilling life.
- ♪ Hey, I just met you
and this is crazy ♪
♪ But here... ♪
- Oh, no.
Ahhh!
- I particularly like
this mnemonic,
and I think you will, too.
- Clear the deck,
she's in her flow...
♪♪
♪♪
All right, God. Very funny.
You are hilarious.
You're, like, straight-up George
Clooney with these pranks.
But I need for tomorrow
to be Thursday.
Not like last Thursday
or the Thursday
before JFK was shot.
Like, regular,
tomorrow Thursday.
Amen.
Damn it!
- And I think you will, too.
- Oh, clear the deck!
She's in her flow-veralls!
- Aw, damn it.
♪♪
Aw, son of a bitch.
♪♪
Mother...
Hey, man, I know
you are mad at me,
but I cannot live
Wednesday anymore.
Please let me wake up tomorrow
and have it be Thursday.
Amen.
- ♪ Hey, I just met... ♪
Oh, come on, man.
Morgan, I need to talk to you.
I am living the same day
over and over again
like a "Groundhog Day."
- Okay, I'm in.
How can I help?
Why is this happening to me?
Is it because I broke that
spooky clock in Jody's office?
- Maybe it's the universe
telling you
you need to learn something or...
Or do something different.
- Aw, no, I have to be
a better person?
I can't donate my blood.
They said it was too chunky.
- If could live the same day
over and over again,
it would be the day Grandmother
fell down the stairs,
'cause I met Paul Giamatti
at the hospital.
I think it was him.
- Okay, that story sucked,
but point taken.
I should be doing
whatever I want.
- Yes.
- I should be having fun
with no consequences.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks, Morgan.
- But there's no consequences,
so I could...
I could... I could come with?
- Oh, I'm gonna go by myself.
I just... I want
to have fun, so...
- I hear you, boss.
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
- Gotcha.
- I particularly like
this mnemonic,
and I think you will, too.
- Damn, Dr. L, we got
a pimp comin' through!
- Thank you for
joining us, Mindy.
Now, does anyone know...
- The ABCDEs of forceps hygiene?
Acceptance, bacteria,
centrifuge,
disinfectant, every day.
- Someone listened.
- Ah... ah...
choo!
- ♪ I'm the fox you've been
waiting for ♪
- Thanks, Dr. L.
- Hey, you need
to watch this knife.
- You're right, I do.
- Okay, well,
this meeting sucks.
I'm out of here.
- ♪ Cherry bomb ♪
- Tamra, I'll get
the crab rangoon.
You know what?
Two orders.
- ♪ I'm your wild girl ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪ Stone age love
and strange sounds too ♪
♪ Come on, baby,
let me get to you ♪
Hey, guys.
- Whoa!
- ♪ Bad nights causing
teenage blues ♪
♪ Get down, ladies,
you've got nothing to lose ♪
- Oh, God.
- ♪ Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪ Hello, world,
I'm your wild girl ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom ♪
- Hi.
- ♪ I'm your
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪ Hello, world,
I'm your wild girl ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
- Yes!
Yes!
But even with all
the fun I was having...
Something would always
pull me back
into the sadness
of my real life.
Morgan, I'm living the same day
over and over again.
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
- Got it, I'm in.
How's it going?
- It's weird.
I have done everything
I've ever wanted.
I've been to every
McDonald's in Manhattan.
I beat "Candy Crush."
I even went to Brooklyn.
But it all just feels
so unfulfilling.
- Okay, how many days
has this been going on?
- I've lost track, and honestly,
I am getting really bored.
I've been on my period
for weeks,
and I really miss Leo.
- Have you considered that
this is all happening
so you can back
together with Ben?
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Maybe you're right.
But how would I even do that?
You know, the only thing
that's stayed consistent
every single day
is that Ben hates me.
- Yep, but it's worth a shot.
You go for coffee,
and if it doesn't work out,
you can always have sex with me.
- Ugh.
- Okay, okay.
- Ben, Ben, hey.
I need to talk to you.
- What do you want, Mindy?
- I am really sorry
about that kiss,
and I would love to get
a cup of coffee with you.
- No, sorry.
Not interested.
- Well, I've been acting
really crazy since we broke up,
and I don't know
what I might do.
- Well, you might get a cavity.
That's candy.
- Dang it.
♪♪
- What the hell?
Are you insane?
- Now you have to get
coffee with me,
whether you like it or not.
- Hey, remember when you teased
me about my love of magic?
- Aw, I loved it.
It was so fun making fun
of what a dork you are.
- I'll see you around.
- Hey, how'd you do that?
I knew I should've
just Tased him.
♪♪
Ben, Ben, hey.
I need to talk to you.
I'm dying.
- Oh, my God.
What is it?
- I can't talk about it here.
This isn't the right place
to talk about illness.
- A hospital?
- Can we just go get a cup
of coffee or something?
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- Just talk?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- You're so sweet.
- Anything.
- I love the bathroom here.
It has a really powerful toilet.
And isn't this place cute?
It used to be CBGB's.
- Oh, cool story.
But you're dying?
What's going on?
- Oh, that.
Yeah, no, I feel so much better.
Just... I think I needed
some fresh air.
- Are you dying or not?
- I am not dying medically,
but I am dying to tell you
that I made a mistake.
- You are unbelievable.
This is classic Mindy.
- Thank you.
- Not a compliment.
It's always about what you want.
You don't care how you get it.
- Damn it.
- Look, the truth is, I was
thinking about breaking up
with you even before
you cheated.
- Is it because
I burp during sex?
In some cultures, that is
considered a compliment.
- It's because you're
incredibly self-centered.
We had a completely
one-sided relationship.
You never asked me
anything about myself.
- That is not true.
I asked you if you liked
my outfit constantly.
- Do you know my mom's name?
What's my favorite movie?
- Sonu?
"When Harry Met Sally"?
- I've got a plane to catch.
Lindsay's afraid of flying.
We're gonna go meet
her mom in St. Louis.
Patricia and I have
been talking again.
I guess we're gonna
see where it goes.
- Wait, Ben, please don't go.
- Thanks for making me feel
better about my decision.
Son of a bitch.
- FYI, day-old muffins
are usually in the dumpster
out back.
- Ugh!
- Morgan?
- Are you having
a "Groundhog Day"?
- Yes.
How did you know?
- 'Cause you finished
a crossword puzzle,
and I saw you dunk.
How's it going?
- Not great.
I finally got Ben to go out
for coffee with me,
and he said I was self-centered.
And then he left to fly off
and get together with his ex.
- No, no, no.
You are not self-centered.
Do you remember on my birthday...
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
We're talking about me.
Maybe the point
of this time loop
wasn't to get back
together with Ben.
Maybe it was to finally
find a bra that fits.
- Well, why don't you just
go to coffee with Ben
again tomorrow and be
a better listener?
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- If Ben thinks
I'm a bad listener,
I have all the Wednesdays
in the world
to listen to the crap
out of him.
- Uh-huh, and maybe
one of those days,
he won't want to get
on that plane.
- Morgan, you're a genius.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And I can say that to you
because you're not
gonna remember tomorrow.
- Remember what?
- Okay.
Hey, Ben, can I talk
to you for a second?
It's important.
- I don't know, Mindy.
I'm kind of in a rush.
- Look, I know that part of
the reason that we broke up
is that I can be
a little self-involved,
and I don't always ask
enough questions of my partner.
Can I just take you
out to coffee?
Just to say that I'm sorry?
♪♪
- Okay.
But the first thing
you should know is
I don't drink coffee.
- So your mom converted
to Judaism,
but then she was the one
that took it more seriously.
- Yeah, when I was a kid,
she made us go on a vacation
to Argentina to hunt for Nazis.
I actually caught one.
- Which is where
you learned Spanish.
- Sí.
- And your favorite TV show
is "Star Trek,"
but not the super old one,
the one with the bald
Captain Kirk
and with the guy from
"Reading Rainbow."
- "Star Trek:
The Next Generation."
Yeah.
Hey, I appreciate you taking
such an interest in me,
but this feels less
like getting yogurt
and more like getting profiled
by "The New Yorker."
- I recently had time to read
every issue of that magazine.
I'm not a fan.
- Well, this was pretty fun,
but I got to catch a flight.
- Okay, see you tomorrow.
- What?
- Um, nothing.
Have a safe flight.
- All right.
See you.
♪♪
Beverly, clear my morning.
I'm going to nerd college.
- Great, you'll be
valedictorian.
♪♪
- Oh, gosh.
Oh, Batman's hot.
This Bruce Wayne guy
isn't bad, either.
Hey, Ben.
♪♪
Remember your faithful sidekick
me?
- Why are you dressed
like Robin?
- I actually tried on a Catwoman
costume and it ruptured,
but I think this is pretty cool.
I'm thinking of wearing it
to Comic-Convention.
Do you like it?
- I'm actually more
of a Marvel guy.
- Heh?
Who Marvel?
Hey, Ben.
♪♪
- Why are you dressed
like Storm?
- Oh, I forgot I was
dressed as Storm.
- Do you like the X-Men now?
Does Wolverine have a crush
on Jean Grey?
- Yeah, actually.
Well, in the movies.
But in the comics,
it's complicated.
- That is so interesting.
- Where was this outfit
when we were dating?
- Oh, I'm kind of low-key about
my love of the Marvel universe.
♪♪
- Mmm, chocolate chip
banana bread.
This is exactly like my mom's.
She wouldn't give the recipe
away for $1 million.
- $35,000, actually.
- Firing phasers.
- Making shields.
- This show is so good,
and it raises a lot
of moral questions,
like, if Data is a robot,
does he have a penis?
- What? Picard is so much
better than Captain Kirk.
- Are you kidding me?
Captain Kirk had to do
all the same stuff
with older technology,
had to wear that ugly,
mustard-colored shirt,
and he had to use a flip phone.
- Okay, you do make some
compelling arguments.
But I will never agree with you
that the best James Bond
is Austin Powers.
Yeah, baby.
Do I make you horny?
How did we never find
any of this stuff out
when we were dating?
- Maybe because I never
asked you enough questions.
Oh, it is almost 5:00.
You better leave, otherwise
you're gonna miss your flight.
Unless you want to stay.
- Yeah, I kind of wish
I could stay, too.
- No, you should go.
You don't want Lindsay
to have to fly alone.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Maybe I'll see you around
the hospital
when I get back.
Bye.
- Bye.
♪♪
♪♪
Morgan, Ben and I had
such a good day today.
I let him eat his own yogurt,
and I didn't say
anything anti-Semitic.
- So did you seal the deal?
- No.
But if I hadn't reminded him
to go to the airport,
I think we might
have even kissed.
- Why would you remind him
to go to the airport?
- I don't know, Morgan,
I wasn't thinking,
so I did the right thing,
but it doesn't matter
because tomorrow
when we go for yogurt,
I'm not gonna remind him.
He's gonna miss his flight.
I'm gonna lock him down
for real.
- Nice.
I got to tell you,
I don't know what happens to me
when you tell me
I can do anything
and the day will reset, but
today I did some crazy sh...
♪♪
♪♪
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
Hello, Wednesday.
Good morning, period.
How do you do, empty box of...
tampons.
What the hell?
- Now for the top news
on this Thursday morning,
a major victory for civil rights
in the Supreme Court.
- Oh, my God, this is horrible.
It's Thursday?
It's Morgan!
Hey, dude.
Remember me?
I'm the guy you said,
"Hey, don't worry.
Tomorrow's gonna reset."
I did things I could
never take back.
I called my grandmother a slut.
- What?
- She punched me.
She punched me
right in the face.
- You deserved it.
- I know.
- What about me?
I was about to seal the deal
with Ben, and finally
win him back,
and now it's friggin' Thursday?
Although it was
actually worth it
just to spend one extra hour
with Ben every day.
I got to find out more about him
and learn how great he was.
Now he's just gonna get back
together with his stupid ex,
and I'm not even gonna have
that hour a day anymore.
- Well, did you
ever consider that
maybe it was Ben who was
repeating each day
to learn that you're not
good enough for him?
- You're probably right.
The universe sure does
love white men.
Aw, who am I kidding?
So do I.
- Well, I have to leave now,
because I joined
the Navy yesterday,
thinking I wouldn't have to go.
Mess up my
foot to get out of it.
Oh, what if I say I'm gay?
- That's nothing.
♪♪
Dear God, please bless
this enormous feast
that I'm about to cram.
And please bless little Leo,
and if you're behind
what happened to me,
ha, ha, very funny, bite me.
Also, please take care
of Ben and Lindsay
on their flight to St. Louis.
All right, smell you later.
Amen.
Okay, this better not be
the three goddamn spirits.
Coming.
Hey.
- Can I come in?
- Okay, yeah.
- Oh, sorry.
Looks like you have a bunch
of people over here.
- Yeah, just... I had, like,
10 or 12 friends here,
but then they...
They all, uh, took off.
- Right.
- What are you doing here?
I thought you were
gonna be in St. Louis
seeing Patricia.
- I was.
But on the plane,
I started thinking
about our last conversation.
I thought it was really sweet
how you reminded me
to get on that flight
for Lindsay.
- Well, you know me.
Selfless to a fault.
- So by the time
I landed in St. Louis,
I realized the only place
I really want to be
is right here.
- Look, Ben, I know I did
a lot of messing up...
Like, a lot.
Like, more than you could
possibly imagine.
- Well...
- But what I have learned
is that you're such a great guy.
And the more I get to know you,
the more I love you.
I just didn't know what
I had when I had it.
- So you want to give this
another try?
- Ugh, finally!
It's been months.
- What?
- Never mind.
Doesn't matter.
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ It's hard to look right ♪
♪ At you, baby ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ And all the other boys ♪
♪ Try to chase me ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ Before you came
into my life ♪
♪ I missed you so bad ♪
♪ Before you came into
my life ♪
♪ I missed you so bad ♪
♪ And you should know that ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
"The Mindy Project"...
I'm with Ben now, so I don't
have to think about
these weirdos and losers
ever again.
- Weirdos and losers?
Which one am I?
- Hi, Jamie.
- Are you seeing anyone?
- His name is Ben,
and he works as a...
We work at the
hospital together.
- You are such a good nurse.
I want other people to see that.
- Where do you work, man?
- I'm a, uh...
- He's a television personality.
- What's going on?
What's wrong?
- We are going friggin' live
on "The Today Show,"
and I can't find Ben.
- What should we drink to?
- Dumb boyfriends.
- All this time,
you've been wondering
if I'm good enough for you.
But you know what, Mindy?
I don't think you're
good enough for me.
- ♪ I'ma be your love ♪
♪♪
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
Damn it, that's my
third phone this month.
Ugh.
♪♪
Oh, my God.
Speaking of month...
Ugh.
I'm getting my monthly visit
from the Kool-Aid man.
Oh, yeah.
Ugh.
Why do I keep using these
to clean my ears?
♪♪
Well, at least I know
where my gun is.
I am an adult in my 30s.
Why can't I even remember
to steal bathroom stuff
from work?
Oh, come on.
- Wow, those super foods
look disgusting.
Why can't pizza be a super food?
- Hot dog buns.
Very absorbent.
Could I...
no, no, no, no.
Well, when it rains, it pours.
And in this case, man,
is it pouring.
I'm on my period,
my son is with his father
at Colonial Williamsburg,
and last week, my cool boyfriend
dumped me for kissing a guy.
I didn't even touch his butt.
- Coming up later this
Wednesday morning,
a new study shows that
being single and over 30
can lead to adult acne.
- Come on.
It's 8:00 a.m., and this is
already the worst day ever.
♪♪
- Although historically
unpopular,
I've always liked this
particular mnemonic,
and I think you will, too.
- Clear the deck.
She's in her flow-veralls.
- Thank you for joining us,
Mindy.
Now, as you all know,
this meeting is about
the critical subject of...
anyone?
Forceps hygiene.
Come on, guys, don't any of you
read your work emails?
- I'm not allowed
to have work email,
because all my online
dating rejections
were slowing down the server.
- Jeremy, can we
get this moving?
The quicker we can get through
this crappy presentation,
the sooner we can get on
with our crappy days.
- Very well.
Today, we'll be focusing on the
ABCDEs of forceps maintenance.
Oh, God!
Colette, you sneezed on me.
Gross.
- Sorry, my handkerchief's
at the dry cleaners,
and Anna's too
beautiful to muss.
- Oh, Collette, you're a dear.
- Ow!
Beverly, you stabbed me!
- Relax, this is my fruit knife,
not my people knife.
- Oh, yeah, Dr. L, we're
ordering Chinese for lunch.
You want to just get your usual,
the Imperial
Family Style Banquet?
- No, Tamra, I just want,
I don't know,
boiled chicken and water
chestnuts, please.
- Well, that's a skinny
person's lunch.
Are you trying to lose weight?
Oh, my God.
Ben dumped you.
What?
No...
- Yes, Ben dumped me.
And for what?
For kissing another guy?
It's ridiculous.
Hollywood celebrities
do that all the time,
and their relationships
are great.
- Would it help if he
kissed another woman?
I've seen the way
he looks at me.
- Okay.
- What were you thinking?
This is your last, desperate
chance at a happy ending.
You've squandered it, you fool.
- I don't get what
the big deal is.
Why is Ben so great?
- Well, he's handsome,
intelligent,
treated you well,
and he's Jewish,
which has certain
socioeconomic advantages.
- Okay, Anna, thank you
for your incisive commentary.
You know what?
I'm out of here.
I don't have to deal
with this anymore.
- Don't go.
Yup, flow-veralls.
This is gonna be a rough
5 to 14 days.
♪♪
- Hey, do you want
to trade lunches?
- Yes, I have
a ham and cheese sandwich
from the vending machine.
Technically, it's from
under the vending machine.
- Okay, just... just take it.
- Thank you.
You are too kind to me.
I don't know what
Ben was thinking.
- He was probably thinking,
"Why is that ho making out
with another guy?"
But for the record,
Ben isn't so perfect himself.
- Mm-mm.
- Okay?
Too much product in his hair,
loves comic books,
and he enjoyed foreplay.
- Yeah, what does he
have going for him
besides his good looks and
the fact that he's nice to you?
Nothing.
- Oh, man, the Petersons,
only my least favorite patients.
- Oh, God, are they the ones
that don't trust a woman
to do the sonogram?
- At least this is literally
the last time
I ever have to see them.
- Oh, God, it's all fat.
♪♪
Ugh, I'm better off
with the sandwich.
♪♪
- Congratulations,
Mrs. Peterson.
You are the mother
of a beautiful,
seven-pound baby girl.
- She doesn't feel
like seven pounds.
I know that trick.
That's what they do at the deli.
- And why's her face red?
What'd you do?
- Well, she is healthy.
She has ten fingers, ten toes,
one set of genitals.
Nice knowing ya.
♪♪
Of course.
Perfect.
Hey, Ben.
Just please feel free
to ignore me.
♪♪
- After you.
I'm sure you have
important places to be,
people to kiss.
- Look, I am really sorry,
and I almost never say that.
And when I do say that,
I never mean it.
But this time, I...
- You know what, Mindy?
Save it.
Have a nice day.
♪♪
- Hey, Leo, I hope
you're having fun
in Colonial Williamsburg.
It's so nice that you do
such nerdy stuff with your dad.
You're a good kid.
I miss you, babe.
Bye.
Well, today couldn't
have been worse,
but it's over.
Tomorrow, my outlook
will be brighter,
and my flow will be lighter.
♪♪
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
- Oh, come on.
I could've sworn I
threw this cup away.
Hmm.
Oh, right, my period.
Well, at least today
I'm prepared.
Huh.
But I bought a new box
of tampons last night.
Did a very weird burglar come?
♪♪
Maybe I just need
to eat something.
♪♪
The milk's finished?
Have I been sleep-chugging
again?
♪♪
- Coming up later
this Wednesday morning,
a new study shows that
being single and over 30
can lead to adult acne.
- Wednesday?
What the hell?
- I've checked every
calendar I own,
and they all say that today
is Wednesday again.
Did I sleep through
a whole week?
Like after I won that
pancake-eating contest?
- Although historically
unpopular,
I particularly like
this mnemonic,
and I think you will, too.
- Clear the deck.
She's in her flow-veralls.
- Thank you for
joining us, Mindy.
As you all know, this meeting
is about the critical
subject of... anyone?
- Forceps hygiene?
- Nerd alert.
- Someone checks
their work emails.
From now on, I'll be sending
you twice as many.
I'm sorry, my handkerchief's
at the dry cleaners.
- And Anna's too
beautiful to muss.
- Please don't objectify me.
- Ow! Beverly, keep your fruit
knife in your knife drawer.
- I can't, it's full of bullets.
- Hey, hey, can I talk
to you for a second?
- Yeah.
Everyone out.
- No, this is a meeting.
- Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Morgan, I know this is gonna
make me sound nuts,
but I woke up this morning,
and today has played out
exactly like yesterday.
I think I'm living some kind
of, like, "Groundhog Day."
- Okay, I got it.
How can I help?
- Got it?
What I just told you
was completely crazy.
- Yeah, you know what?
The universe is a crazy place.
Do you know in Canada,
they drive on the exact same
side of the road as we do?
- Okay, I really thought
that you would think
this is a bigger deal.
- I don't know, if you were
in a "Freaky Friday"
or it was, like,
a "Shaggy Dog" situation,
then I'd be like,
"Oh, my God."
- Well, why is this
happening to me?
Wait, what's the point
of "Groundhog Day"?
- The point of "Shaggy Dog" is
the guy from
"Home Improvement"...
What's his name from
"Home Improvement"?
- Ray Romano.
- No, no!
Aw, come on, it's on
the tip of my tongue.
I'm gonna Google it.
It... it... it's like a Tom.
Tommy...
Tim Allen!
♪♪
Where'd she go?
- Congratulations,
Mrs. Peterson
on another baby girl.
- Oh, it's just
another baby girl?
I'm sorry the birth of our
firstborn child
isn't exciting for you.
- Oh, no, it's just that
this very same thing
happened yesterday.
- We get it.
You deliver babies every day.
- I'm sorry.
Baby Charlotte is so beautiful.
- We wanted to be the ones
to tell her her name.
- How did you even know that?
Did his mother
tell you the name?
- No.
- So what if she did?
- God.
- It's not a secret or anything.
- Why did I even tell you?
♪♪
- Oh, God.
This again?
- No, no, no, no, no.
You don't get to be the one
that's annoyed to see me.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm... I'm just
having crazy déjà vu.
- You're having déjà vu?
Are you about to make out
with another dude
right in front of me?
- Okay.
Solid burn.
♪♪
Okay, so today did bear
some striking similarities
to yesterday.
But I think it's just
a coincidence,
like how my pants always shrink
after the holidays.
Tomorrow will be Thursday,
and I will look back on this
as a wacky blip in an otherwise
sexy and fulfilling life.
- ♪ Hey, I just met you
and this is crazy ♪
♪ But here... ♪
- Oh, no.
Ahhh!
- I particularly like
this mnemonic,
and I think you will, too.
- Clear the deck,
she's in her flow...
♪♪
♪♪
All right, God. Very funny.
You are hilarious.
You're, like, straight-up George
Clooney with these pranks.
But I need for tomorrow
to be Thursday.
Not like last Thursday
or the Thursday
before JFK was shot.
Like, regular,
tomorrow Thursday.
Amen.
Damn it!
- And I think you will, too.
- Oh, clear the deck!
She's in her flow-veralls!
- Aw, damn it.
♪♪
Aw, son of a bitch.
♪♪
Mother...
Hey, man, I know
you are mad at me,
but I cannot live
Wednesday anymore.
Please let me wake up tomorrow
and have it be Thursday.
Amen.
- ♪ Hey, I just met... ♪
Oh, come on, man.
Morgan, I need to talk to you.
I am living the same day
over and over again
like a "Groundhog Day."
- Okay, I'm in.
How can I help?
Why is this happening to me?
Is it because I broke that
spooky clock in Jody's office?
- Maybe it's the universe
telling you
you need to learn something or...
Or do something different.
- Aw, no, I have to be
a better person?
I can't donate my blood.
They said it was too chunky.
- If could live the same day
over and over again,
it would be the day Grandmother
fell down the stairs,
'cause I met Paul Giamatti
at the hospital.
I think it was him.
- Okay, that story sucked,
but point taken.
I should be doing
whatever I want.
- Yes.
- I should be having fun
with no consequences.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks, Morgan.
- But there's no consequences,
so I could...
I could... I could come with?
- Oh, I'm gonna go by myself.
I just... I want
to have fun, so...
- I hear you, boss.
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
- Gotcha.
- I particularly like
this mnemonic,
and I think you will, too.
- Damn, Dr. L, we got
a pimp comin' through!
- Thank you for
joining us, Mindy.
Now, does anyone know...
- The ABCDEs of forceps hygiene?
Acceptance, bacteria,
centrifuge,
disinfectant, every day.
- Someone listened.
- Ah... ah...
choo!
- ♪ I'm the fox you've been
waiting for ♪
- Thanks, Dr. L.
- Hey, you need
to watch this knife.
- You're right, I do.
- Okay, well,
this meeting sucks.
I'm out of here.
- ♪ Cherry bomb ♪
- Tamra, I'll get
the crab rangoon.
You know what?
Two orders.
- ♪ I'm your wild girl ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪ Stone age love
and strange sounds too ♪
♪ Come on, baby,
let me get to you ♪
Hey, guys.
- Whoa!
- ♪ Bad nights causing
teenage blues ♪
♪ Get down, ladies,
you've got nothing to lose ♪
- Oh, God.
- ♪ Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪ Hello, world,
I'm your wild girl ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom ♪
- Hi.
- ♪ I'm your
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪ Hello, world,
I'm your wild girl ♪
♪ I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
♪ Cherry bomb ♪
- Yes!
Yes!
But even with all
the fun I was having...
Something would always
pull me back
into the sadness
of my real life.
Morgan, I'm living the same day
over and over again.
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
- Got it, I'm in.
How's it going?
- It's weird.
I have done everything
I've ever wanted.
I've been to every
McDonald's in Manhattan.
I beat "Candy Crush."
I even went to Brooklyn.
But it all just feels
so unfulfilling.
- Okay, how many days
has this been going on?
- I've lost track, and honestly,
I am getting really bored.
I've been on my period
for weeks,
and I really miss Leo.
- Have you considered that
this is all happening
so you can back
together with Ben?
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Maybe you're right.
But how would I even do that?
You know, the only thing
that's stayed consistent
every single day
is that Ben hates me.
- Yep, but it's worth a shot.
You go for coffee,
and if it doesn't work out,
you can always have sex with me.
- Ugh.
- Okay, okay.
- Ben, Ben, hey.
I need to talk to you.
- What do you want, Mindy?
- I am really sorry
about that kiss,
and I would love to get
a cup of coffee with you.
- No, sorry.
Not interested.
- Well, I've been acting
really crazy since we broke up,
and I don't know
what I might do.
- Well, you might get a cavity.
That's candy.
- Dang it.
♪♪
- What the hell?
Are you insane?
- Now you have to get
coffee with me,
whether you like it or not.
- Hey, remember when you teased
me about my love of magic?
- Aw, I loved it.
It was so fun making fun
of what a dork you are.
- I'll see you around.
- Hey, how'd you do that?
I knew I should've
just Tased him.
♪♪
Ben, Ben, hey.
I need to talk to you.
I'm dying.
- Oh, my God.
What is it?
- I can't talk about it here.
This isn't the right place
to talk about illness.
- A hospital?
- Can we just go get a cup
of coffee or something?
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- Just talk?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- You're so sweet.
- Anything.
- I love the bathroom here.
It has a really powerful toilet.
And isn't this place cute?
It used to be CBGB's.
- Oh, cool story.
But you're dying?
What's going on?
- Oh, that.
Yeah, no, I feel so much better.
Just... I think I needed
some fresh air.
- Are you dying or not?
- I am not dying medically,
but I am dying to tell you
that I made a mistake.
- You are unbelievable.
This is classic Mindy.
- Thank you.
- Not a compliment.
It's always about what you want.
You don't care how you get it.
- Damn it.
- Look, the truth is, I was
thinking about breaking up
with you even before
you cheated.
- Is it because
I burp during sex?
In some cultures, that is
considered a compliment.
- It's because you're
incredibly self-centered.
We had a completely
one-sided relationship.
You never asked me
anything about myself.
- That is not true.
I asked you if you liked
my outfit constantly.
- Do you know my mom's name?
What's my favorite movie?
- Sonu?
"When Harry Met Sally"?
- I've got a plane to catch.
Lindsay's afraid of flying.
We're gonna go meet
her mom in St. Louis.
Patricia and I have
been talking again.
I guess we're gonna
see where it goes.
- Wait, Ben, please don't go.
- Thanks for making me feel
better about my decision.
Son of a bitch.
- FYI, day-old muffins
are usually in the dumpster
out back.
- Ugh!
- Morgan?
- Are you having
a "Groundhog Day"?
- Yes.
How did you know?
- 'Cause you finished
a crossword puzzle,
and I saw you dunk.
How's it going?
- Not great.
I finally got Ben to go out
for coffee with me,
and he said I was self-centered.
And then he left to fly off
and get together with his ex.
- No, no, no.
You are not self-centered.
Do you remember on my birthday...
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
We're talking about me.
Maybe the point
of this time loop
wasn't to get back
together with Ben.
Maybe it was to finally
find a bra that fits.
- Well, why don't you just
go to coffee with Ben
again tomorrow and be
a better listener?
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- If Ben thinks
I'm a bad listener,
I have all the Wednesdays
in the world
to listen to the crap
out of him.
- Uh-huh, and maybe
one of those days,
he won't want to get
on that plane.
- Morgan, you're a genius.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And I can say that to you
because you're not
gonna remember tomorrow.
- Remember what?
- Okay.
Hey, Ben, can I talk
to you for a second?
It's important.
- I don't know, Mindy.
I'm kind of in a rush.
- Look, I know that part of
the reason that we broke up
is that I can be
a little self-involved,
and I don't always ask
enough questions of my partner.
Can I just take you
out to coffee?
Just to say that I'm sorry?
♪♪
- Okay.
But the first thing
you should know is
I don't drink coffee.
- So your mom converted
to Judaism,
but then she was the one
that took it more seriously.
- Yeah, when I was a kid,
she made us go on a vacation
to Argentina to hunt for Nazis.
I actually caught one.
- Which is where
you learned Spanish.
- Sí.
- And your favorite TV show
is "Star Trek,"
but not the super old one,
the one with the bald
Captain Kirk
and with the guy from
"Reading Rainbow."
- "Star Trek:
The Next Generation."
Yeah.
Hey, I appreciate you taking
such an interest in me,
but this feels less
like getting yogurt
and more like getting profiled
by "The New Yorker."
- I recently had time to read
every issue of that magazine.
I'm not a fan.
- Well, this was pretty fun,
but I got to catch a flight.
- Okay, see you tomorrow.
- What?
- Um, nothing.
Have a safe flight.
- All right.
See you.
♪♪
Beverly, clear my morning.
I'm going to nerd college.
- Great, you'll be
valedictorian.
♪♪
- Oh, gosh.
Oh, Batman's hot.
This Bruce Wayne guy
isn't bad, either.
Hey, Ben.
♪♪
Remember your faithful sidekick
me?
- Why are you dressed
like Robin?
- I actually tried on a Catwoman
costume and it ruptured,
but I think this is pretty cool.
I'm thinking of wearing it
to Comic-Convention.
Do you like it?
- I'm actually more
of a Marvel guy.
- Heh?
Who Marvel?
Hey, Ben.
♪♪
- Why are you dressed
like Storm?
- Oh, I forgot I was
dressed as Storm.
- Do you like the X-Men now?
Does Wolverine have a crush
on Jean Grey?
- Yeah, actually.
Well, in the movies.
But in the comics,
it's complicated.
- That is so interesting.
- Where was this outfit
when we were dating?
- Oh, I'm kind of low-key about
my love of the Marvel universe.
♪♪
- Mmm, chocolate chip
banana bread.
This is exactly like my mom's.
She wouldn't give the recipe
away for $1 million.
- $35,000, actually.
- Firing phasers.
- Making shields.
- This show is so good,
and it raises a lot
of moral questions,
like, if Data is a robot,
does he have a penis?
- What? Picard is so much
better than Captain Kirk.
- Are you kidding me?
Captain Kirk had to do
all the same stuff
with older technology,
had to wear that ugly,
mustard-colored shirt,
and he had to use a flip phone.
- Okay, you do make some
compelling arguments.
But I will never agree with you
that the best James Bond
is Austin Powers.
Yeah, baby.
Do I make you horny?
How did we never find
any of this stuff out
when we were dating?
- Maybe because I never
asked you enough questions.
Oh, it is almost 5:00.
You better leave, otherwise
you're gonna miss your flight.
Unless you want to stay.
- Yeah, I kind of wish
I could stay, too.
- No, you should go.
You don't want Lindsay
to have to fly alone.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Maybe I'll see you around
the hospital
when I get back.
Bye.
- Bye.
♪♪
♪♪
Morgan, Ben and I had
such a good day today.
I let him eat his own yogurt,
and I didn't say
anything anti-Semitic.
- So did you seal the deal?
- No.
But if I hadn't reminded him
to go to the airport,
I think we might
have even kissed.
- Why would you remind him
to go to the airport?
- I don't know, Morgan,
I wasn't thinking,
so I did the right thing,
but it doesn't matter
because tomorrow
when we go for yogurt,
I'm not gonna remind him.
He's gonna miss his flight.
I'm gonna lock him down
for real.
- Nice.
I got to tell you,
I don't know what happens to me
when you tell me
I can do anything
and the day will reset, but
today I did some crazy sh...
♪♪
♪♪
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
Hello, Wednesday.
Good morning, period.
How do you do, empty box of...
tampons.
What the hell?
- Now for the top news
on this Thursday morning,
a major victory for civil rights
in the Supreme Court.
- Oh, my God, this is horrible.
It's Thursday?
It's Morgan!
Hey, dude.
Remember me?
I'm the guy you said,
"Hey, don't worry.
Tomorrow's gonna reset."
I did things I could
never take back.
I called my grandmother a slut.
- What?
- She punched me.
She punched me
right in the face.
- You deserved it.
- I know.
- What about me?
I was about to seal the deal
with Ben, and finally
win him back,
and now it's friggin' Thursday?
Although it was
actually worth it
just to spend one extra hour
with Ben every day.
I got to find out more about him
and learn how great he was.
Now he's just gonna get back
together with his stupid ex,
and I'm not even gonna have
that hour a day anymore.
- Well, did you
ever consider that
maybe it was Ben who was
repeating each day
to learn that you're not
good enough for him?
- You're probably right.
The universe sure does
love white men.
Aw, who am I kidding?
So do I.
- Well, I have to leave now,
because I joined
the Navy yesterday,
thinking I wouldn't have to go.
Mess up my
foot to get out of it.
Oh, what if I say I'm gay?
- That's nothing.
♪♪
Dear God, please bless
this enormous feast
that I'm about to cram.
And please bless little Leo,
and if you're behind
what happened to me,
ha, ha, very funny, bite me.
Also, please take care
of Ben and Lindsay
on their flight to St. Louis.
All right, smell you later.
Amen.
Okay, this better not be
the three goddamn spirits.
Coming.
Hey.
- Can I come in?
- Okay, yeah.
- Oh, sorry.
Looks like you have a bunch
of people over here.
- Yeah, just... I had, like,
10 or 12 friends here,
but then they...
They all, uh, took off.
- Right.
- What are you doing here?
I thought you were
gonna be in St. Louis
seeing Patricia.
- I was.
But on the plane,
I started thinking
about our last conversation.
I thought it was really sweet
how you reminded me
to get on that flight
for Lindsay.
- Well, you know me.
Selfless to a fault.
- So by the time
I landed in St. Louis,
I realized the only place
I really want to be
is right here.
- Look, Ben, I know I did
a lot of messing up...
Like, a lot.
Like, more than you could
possibly imagine.
- Well...
- But what I have learned
is that you're such a great guy.
And the more I get to know you,
the more I love you.
I just didn't know what
I had when I had it.
- So you want to give this
another try?
- Ugh, finally!
It's been months.
- What?
- Never mind.
Doesn't matter.
- ♪ Hey, I just met you ♪
♪ And this is crazy ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ It's hard to look right ♪
♪ At you, baby ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ And all the other boys ♪
♪ Try to chase me ♪
♪ But here's my number ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪
♪ Before you came
into my life ♪
♪ I missed you so bad ♪
♪ Before you came into
my life ♪
♪ I missed you so bad ♪
♪ And you should know that ♪
♪ So call me maybe ♪