The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 6 - Concord - full transcript

Anyway, Friday
will be a half day

so we can all get ready
for Danny's wedding weekend.

So book your waxing now.

I barely got an appointment
with my girl.

It sounds like
Dr. C is dropping

hella bills
on this wedding, y'all.

I'm talking harpist money.

They're gonna regret
that open bar.

Hey, let's ix-nay
on the wedding talk, okay?

Not everyone's going.
Dr. L.

- Okay.
- Mindy, we are so sorry.



It must be devastating thinking
about how happy Danny is.

- Someday, girl.
- Guys, I'm fine.

Dr. L, you don't have to
put on a brave face.

We heard you crying
in the bathroom.

Okay, I was crying
in the bathroom

because I dropped my phone
in the toilet again.

I'm happy for Danny.

We've both moved on.

Hey. Good for you.

Now Dr. C can get
his blushing bride,

and you are gonna go
on one of those

spinster cruises
to the Galapagos.

You're gonna meet
a bunch of old gals.

You're gonna have fu... oh, maybe
you fall off the rail.



- Big lawsuit.
- I have a serious boyfriend.

Okay, and I am not
going to the wedding

because I thought that would be
weird for Sarah and Danny,

but Leo's going as the world's
cutest ring bearer.

Nepotism!

Sorry, I have a cold.

I...

All right, Leo. Come on.
Bring me the rings.

Oh, Leo.
Come on, Sweetie.

Okay, this is totally my fault.

We should have been
practicing for weeks,

and instead I let him watch
that O.J. documentary.

Are you gonna be
all right this weekend?

I can get another chaperone

for Lindsay's volleyball
tournament.

No, I'm gonna be fine.

Thank you for offering.

Just gonna order some Thai food,
gonna do some laundry.

I might take that pill
that I found on the floor.

No, you won't.
You never do laundry.

That's true.

Oh. Leo. It's Grandma.

She's here to take you for
your wedding weekend.

Hi. Ben.
Nice to finally meet you.

I'll learn your name
if you stick.

- Okay.
- Where's my little ring bearer?

Enchantée.

- Ben. Nice to meet you.
- Dot.

Currently single, but not
looking to stay that way.

Leo looks small.

Is he eating?
If he doesn't eat,

how will he be big
and tall like his dad?

- What?
- I'm sorry.

How tall do you think Danny is?

Tallest in his
second-grade class.

That's how tall.

He played Abe Lincoln

in the Christmas pageant.

That's our tallest president.

Okay, well, you know what?
If Leo kisses the flower girl,

can you just please
give him a treat?

Okay.
You know, Mindy,

I'm really sorry
about this whole mess.

Even though you brought this
on yourself,

having your son's dad
marry someone else

is pretty crappy.
I should know.

- She doesn't like the new one.
- Mm.

At least you never let Danny

push you around like this one.

Oh, I don't know.

Some people like
being pushed around.

Well, if it doesn't work out
with Mindy,

- I'll let you know.
- Oh, baby.

Hey, cool it.
Okay. All right.

It was very nice
to see you again.

I'm gonna get my son.

- M!
- Yes. Two M's.

Oh, man, is "Wheel of Fortune"

getting harder or am I
getting dumber?

Yes, two O's.

Stupid Jeremy.

Doesn't need to check up on me.

I don't need to go to a wedding

to get drunk and make
a fool of myself.

I can do that right here.

You keep telling yourself
that you're fine,

but you're not.

Who's here?
I have a gun.

And I don't know how to use it.

Come on, Min,
you know who it is.

- Danny?
- Right behind you.

That's it.

Getting warmer.
Getting warmer.

You're burning up.

Bingo.

Oh, my God.

Is this photo talking to me?

Damn right I am.

Look, Min, we got to talk.

Hey, man, this is really,
really strange, okay?

You know what's strange, Mindy?

Ending it with me.

Biggest mistake of your life.

- That's debatable.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

You're right.
You're doing great.

Drinking alone and eating
full-fat popcorn

out of a SkinnyPop bag.

- Who are you trying to fool?
- You know what?

I don't need to hear
any more of this, all right?

Enjoy the trash can,
you stupid photo.

Wait, what are you doing?
No!

Wow, there's a lot of
candy wrappers in here.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah, there's a demonic
presence in my home.

I'm gonna need holy water,
garlic, a Catholic priest.

Wait, no,
Danny loves those things.

I'm in here too.

Ah! Get out of my bedroom!

I've actually never said that
to a man before.

Where are you?
Come on, come on.

There you go.

Hey, you did this to yourself,
you know.

What? We were all wrong.

We were like peas and carrots.
Barf city.

Really, because all you
ever wanted

was to be married to a rich guy.

I loved you.
I challenged you.

I did that thing to you
in bed you liked.

- You liked it more.
- Now you're sitting here

alone while I'm getting
ready to be

- happy for the rest of my life.
- You know what?

I don't need your
chilling observations

right now, photo.

I am fine, okay?

And I'm gonna show everybody

just how fine I am.

Okay, I'm... I'm going crazy.

I got to get
out of my apartment.

I just need to get out of
the house and clear my head.

I know, I'll listen
to some tunes.

Nope, too sad...
this is the song I sang

when they banned me from
Michael Jordan's Steak House.

Eh. I'll try public radio.
That'll bore me.

I'm Ira Flatow.
Tonight on "Science Friday,"

we look at how female regret
can lead to brain tumors.

What the hell?

Why is there nothing
to listen to?

I'm so lame and miserable.

Lame and miserable?
I'll just sing

the entire "Les Miz" musical
to myself.

♪ Look down, look down ♪

♪ Don't look them in the eye ♪

♪ Filling the darkness ♪

♪ With order and light ♪

♪ I've done no wrong ♪

♪ Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer ♪

♪ You are the sentinels ♪

♪ Do you hear the people sing ♪

♪ Singing the song
of angry men ♪

Whoa.

God.

Huh.

I'm at my parents' house?

I'm in Concord, Massachusetts?

How long have I been driving?

I guess I really was transported

by the sound of
my beautiful voice.

Mom?

Dad?

Is anybody here?
Ow!

God!
Why did you hit me?

I said "Mom"!

That's what a robber would say!

Mom, why you making
so much noise?

Your sister broke
into the house.

Damn you, Mindy.
I was up there

having a dream that I was
hooking up with a mermaid.

I was dressed like Prince Errk
and everything.

Um, what the hell, you guys?

I come here in the middle
of the night,

clearly in the need
of emotional support,

and I get full-on
Tom and Jerry'd.

Oh, I'm sorry, beta.
Is this about Danny's wedding?

I figured you might
be emotional.

I mean, I thought I was fine.

And then some
not-very-cool things

started happening to me,
pretty psychedelic, actually.

And I took nothing.

I mean, except, like, an Ambien
and Red Bull.

And then I drove and drove,
and I wound up here.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

Come. Let's get you upstairs.

- Okay.
- Man, this sucks.

The golden child stumbles
just as

the prodigal son steps
out of the shadows.

Stop it, Rishi.
You're both perfect.

I'm better.

- Wake up, darling.
- Hey, Mom.

Did you bring me
breakfast in bed?

- No.
- Oh, no.

Dad isn't doing it, is he?
He sucks at it.

He always makes the hollandaise
too salty.

No, Baba's not here.
He went to one of his gem shows

- in Nashua for the weekend.
- What?

So what is your plan for today?

Same as always whenever I'm
going through hard shit:

sleep, cry,
watch "Princess Bride,"

lay in bed all day
while you bring me food.

Sorry, beta, I can't just
spend my day waiting on you.

But that's your job.

Today's packed; I have to
volunteer at the library,

then there's disco stretch
at the Lexington Women's Center,

and tonight I'm having dinner
with Priya and Anjuli.

Priya Auntie and Anjuli Auntie?

But they're losers, and
Priya Auntie has a weird eye.

Mindy, that's not nice.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Her eye is normal and beautiful.

You know what isn't
normal and beautiful?

My life right now.

Okay, okay, uh, these...

you can find them
at the library.

- Homeless people.
- No! Uh...

- They're at Barnes & Noble.
- Uh, DVDs.

"Twilight" calendars.
Barnes & Noble gift cards!

- Books, woman! It's books!
- Books?

Why didn't you just say,
"These are what

Chelsea Handler writes"?

- Hey, why are you here, anyway?
- Oh, man.

It got really stressful
at DJ school.

So I decided to take
some time off

and just kind of, like,
you know, find myself.

Yeah, well, I wish I had time
to find myself,

but between raising a son and
satisfying my Snapchat follower,

I'm pretty worn out...
oh.

Hey, y'all,
it's your girl, Mindy.

I'm a little bummed because my
ex is getting married tomorrow.

But later I'm gonna try out
the new "Kung Fu Panda" filter.

- Bye!
- Oh, man.

That is so hard to watch.

Danny getting married
really has you tripping.

Yeah, it kind of does.

When we were just
broken up and single,

I was like, "All right,
we're both

gonna die alone."

But now he found someone

great to die with.

It's just like,
where does that leave me?

Are you kidding me?

You have your own successful
fertility clinic

that you started without
compromising your own life.

Woman, you could do a TED talk

if your voice wasn't
so annoying.

Thank you.

Oh, there is literally nothing

to eat in here but Indian food!

Mom knows I won't eat leftovers.

- Did you call her to complain?
- Obviously.

- But she didn't pick up.
- What?

Who does she think she is?
You know what?

She's at Priya Auntie's.
I'm gonna call her.

Oh, hey, Priya Auntie,
it's Mindy.

I need to talk to my mom.

What do you mean
she's not there?

She's supposed to be having
dinner with you tonight.

Yeah, yeah, Leo loved the curly
Indian shoes you got him.

Look, Priya Auntie,
I got to go, okay?

I love you. Bye.

Guess what, Rish?

Mom ain't at
no Priya Auntie's house.

Mom went AWOL?

Why would she lie to us?

Who is she?

All right, first we got to turn
on her old-ass computer.

Eh... don't touch anything.

I'm 'bout to Mr. Robot
this bi-yi-yatch.

Okay, well,
her email's already open.

- We're in.
- Hey, look at this email.

It's from a dude named "Conrad"

and the subject heading is
"Dinner?"

"Dear Sonu, I was dazzled
by your audition today.

"The Concord Carlisle
Community Theater

is rarely graced
by such an exotic talent."

Eww, gross!
This guy's perving on Mom!

"Before your callback,
I thought we could meet

to work on the character
in a more intimate setting.

I was thinking... Bertinelli's?"

Bertinelli's?
Damn!

That's where you go before prom.

I ate so many unlimited rolls
I couldn't zip up my dress.

Wait, wait. She responded?

"Dear Conrad, I've been walking
on air since the audition.

"I'd love to pick your brain
about your time in New York.

Saturday at six?
Heart, Sonu."

Okay, well,
that's where she is now.

But why did she lie to us?

Mom's been cheating on Dad.

They're gonna get a divorce.

- Where am I gonna have Christmas?
- Hey. Rishi.

You are being ridiculous.

I'm sure there's
a reasonable explanation.

Yeah, Dad's a loser.

Mom doesn't love him anymore.

Why does he have to buy
his jeans at Kohl's?

Okay, we all hate Dad's jeans,

and I get that
you're very upset,

but don't jump to conclusions,
all right?

Let's just go to Bertinelli's
and see what's up.

Hey, Morgan.
Is everything okay with Leo?

- Go put on some pants!
- Listen, Leo is fine.

I've got an update for you:
the rehearsal dinner is amazing.

I just had lasagna
for the first time.

Now I know what
Garfield's on about.

Hey, man, I ain't got no time
for this, all right?

I am dealing with
the biggest family crisis

since Dad's snoring,
so you have ten seconds

to make this conversation about
me or I'm gonna hang up on you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Okay.

Dr. C, he had a few drinks,
and he pulled me aside.

Now, I thought he was just
gonna kick me out,

but he told me he's been
thinking about you,

and he thinks he might be
making a huge mistake.

Well, okay, I mean,
that could mean anything.

You know, grooms always
have cold feet.

Nope. Checked his feet.

They were warm.
They were sweaty.

Listen, I think if
you came here,

he wouldn't go through with it.

But if you do come,
bring a gift.

We'll say it's from both of us.

Okay, I think I might have to
go back to New York.

What?

Our family is falling apart.

Plus, I need you
to pay for dinner.

Rishi, I am very sorry,
but something personal came up,

and I have to figure it out.

Something more important
than your mama?

The women who went to
a junior high dance with you

dressed up as "Cousin Shriv"?

Okay, fine, that is
some really good guilting.

We're gonna go to Bertinelli's,
we're gonna make sure

that Mom doesn't get
her groove back on,

and then I got to go
to New York.

Yes! Let's do this!

I'm gonna put on some pants!

Go put on some pants.

Aw, damn.

Mom didn't do my laundry.

There, there, there.

They usually save that booth
for Bill Belichick.

My God. Did you see that?
Her coquettish laugh.

The one she uses
to get Dad to buy her

lawn furniture at Costco.

We may already be too late.

Come on. Come on.
Come on. Let's go.

Hey, Ma.

How's dinner with
the Aunties, huh?

Hey, Mindy, doesn't Priya Auntie
look kind of different?

Yeah, her eyes are normal,

and she's an old white dude
with a scarf.

- Pssh!
- Sonu.

Who are these people?

I'm so sorry, Conrad.
These are my children.

Uh, I'm sorry.
You're sorry to him?

Why don't you apologize to Dad,
who is, at this moment,

at a gem convention getting
lapis lazuli for your bookshelf.

- While you're cheating on him.
- Cheating?

I'm here with my colleague
to discuss a part

in the playhouse's
upcoming production.

Oh, yeah? What's the play?

Is it a Puccini opera

- called "Lying Mom"?
- Oh.

You'll have to excuse me.

Drama is my profession,
not my hobby.

Yeah, you better walk, dude.

And you know what?
If you want to cheat with a mom,

why don't you go to the Chico's
at the Burlington mall?

- Ooh, you old.
- Sonu.

If you want to play this role,

I would require
your complete focus.

I just don't think a housewife
trying to manage all this

is up to the challenge.

Thank you for paying for dinner.

Conrad. No.

Mom, real disappointed in you.

Yeah, and put a turtleneck on.

My one chance
at a truly great role,

torn from my fingers by the very
children I gave life to.

- I curse you!
- Hey, Mom.

Don't curse us. It's mean.
All right?

Why don't you just admit that
you were busted, all right?

You were obviously
gonna cheat on Dad.

- How dare you! I would never.
- Don't you see?

That completely
proves our point.

Mom, you were ready to throw
all of this away

for what, one night of passion
with Conrad...

who, for the record,
is a con artist,

and not very rad at all,
ironically.

I wasn't going to have sex.

But I needed the temptation.

- Oh, barf.
- Ooh!

You admit you were flirting!

Oh, I'm an actress!

Every scene is a seduction.

Why am I the only one
in this family

who's not allowed
to pursue her dreams?

You're a doctor.

Rishi, you're one quarter of
the way through DJ school.

When do I get my chance?

- Oh, come on.
- Come on.

You got so much, Mom.

You get to cook
and clean for us,

and you get to get us dope
presents at the holidays.

And you get to pick

all the pictures
in the family portraits.

Shut up, shut up, you're
describing, like, the Taliban.

Okay, listen. Mom.

I get it, and I'm sorry

that we got in the way of you
pursuing your dreams.

You've always
helped us pursue ours.

I got to go.

Whoa, whoa.
You're going to New York?

No. Not yet.
I should be, but I'm not.

I'm gonna go help Mom
follow her dreams.

Uch, this is Conrad's place?

It's like where a witness
lives in "Spotlight."

Oh, look who's rap-rap-rapping

at my chamber door.

That's from Edgar Allan Poe's
classic poem, "The Raven."

Well, come in, I suppose.

Did you come here
to insult me further?

No, I came here
to say I'm sorry,

and I felt it would be best
if I did it in person.

Apology accepted.

May I offer you some water?

Yeah. That would be great.
I'm a little parched.

Thank you. Okay.
This smells like soup.

I'm cool.
Look.

My mother is a great actress,
and I would hate

if our behavior in Bertinelli's

messed up her chance
to be in your play.

And I will do anything
to make it right.

Maybe I can help you
if you help me.

Did you just take a Viagra?

No, of course not.

I can't afford those.

This is an herbal
male stimulant.

Shall I convert the couch?

Oh, my God!

You were trying to get
my mom into bed!

You know what?
You're a scumbag.

I'm headed out,
and I'm keeping your mug.

In my defense,
I'm just a horny old man.

I should have known he was
only interested in sex.

My acting will never be
as good as my boobs.

Hey, Mom. Don't say that.
You're an amazing actress.

I should have just been happy
playing servants and trees.

Hey, would you hit
the road already?

Come on!
You're running out of time.

Shut up.
This isn't a good time.

When is a good time, Mindy?

I just want to tell you,

I'm slipping away from you.

Tick, tock.

- This isn't helpful!
- Oh, I know.

- Please just hold me.
- Okay. Okay.

All right, Mom, I... I wish
I could stay here with you,

but I got to go.
I got to go back to New York.

- I'm really sorry.
- That's okay. I understand.

My life is going nowhere.
Focus on yours.

Yeah, focus on yours.
She can take care of herself.

You know what, woman?
Don't you even worry about it.

'Cause while you're gone,
I'm gonna take care of Mom

with my sick beats.

♪ Hey there, girl, I know you,
your name is Sonu ♪

♪ I know you feel alone
'cause the old white man ♪

- ♪ tried to jump your bone... ♪
- Okay!

You know, I think...
I think that's

gonna bum her out a little bit,

but I like the gesture.

- Sure.
- Okay.

I got to go.
I love you guys.

I think this will
sort itself out, though.

I'm gonna call
and check up on you

to make sure that you're good.

Again, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

What are you doing?
Drive faster.

You're not taking the parkway.

Just, I don't need advice
how to drive, okay?

I'll get there when I get there.

Come on!
Pedal to the metal!

Oh, God.

- Hey, Ben.
- Hey, are you in Boston?

All the people in the background
of your Instagrams are white.

Yeah, you know, I...
I decided to

visit my parents this weekend.

Oh, that's cool.

I was just checking in on you.

I thought maybe you were
taking this wedding

harder than you let on.

That's really sweet.

Uh, I think I have been
taking it

a little bit harder
than I thought.

I get it.

Listen, I've been...

been thinking about you a lot,
and...

I just wanted to say that...

I think I kind of love you.

And anyway, that's...

that's what I wanted to say.

Yeah, right.
He loves you?

Does he know how crazy you are?

God, shut up.

Okay, not the response
I was hoping for.

- I guess I'll go.
- Oh, no, no.

I wasn't saying
"Shut up" to you.

I was saying it to a picture

because I talk to pictures
sometimes,

and I'm a little bit crazy,

and I hope that's okay.

You know, believe it or not,
I knew that already.

Yeah, I was tipped off
when you deleted

all the female contacts
from my phone.

Not all of them.

I left you mine.

Hey, Ben, I love...

that you called me.

You're exactly the voice

I needed to hear tonight.

Um, and I will talk
to you later.

Talk to you later.

Mom? Rishi?

Ow! God! Mom!
Why do you keep doing that?

I just get so scared,
I shut my eyes and swing.

- Why did you come back?
- Give me that.

Look, I started to make
a mistake, and then I didn't.

- I'm... I'm sorry I left.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Please.

Come into the kitchen.
Let me make you some food.

I'm sorry, darling.
Did I hurt you?

Yeah, Mom. Yeah, Mom!

So, are you finally
going to tell me

where you were driving, sweetie?

I was going to Danny's wedding
to stop it.

Mom, I think I'm going crazy.

No, stopping weddings

is something you've done
several times.

No, no, Mom, this whole weekend,

photos of Danny have been
straight-up talking to me,

telling me that I screwed up
my whole life

and that he was my one shot
at happiness.

But you're sure it was
Danny who was talking?

I mean, if you ask me,
what the photo said

sounds more like
something you would say.

Huh? Ex-squeeze me?

Look, sweetie.

We've always been so proud

of how hard you worked.

Thank you for finally admitting

that I'm better than Rishi.

But you've always been

so driven and hard on yourself,

that somewhere along the line,
you started to believe

that if someone wasn't
hard on you,

they didn't care about you.

And eventually, you ended up
with a man

who did the criticizing for you.

And now that Danny's gone,

I'm worried that you're doing
the criticizing for him.

Whoa.

Mom, that was,
like, really smart.

So...

I was the Danny photo
the whole time.

Ex-squeeze me?
This bitch is cray.

That sounds exactly like
something I would say.

Shut up, stupid me photo!

Hey, Mom, you know what?

I think this could make
a really cool movie.

We're Indian...
do we know Night Shyamalan?

You know who knows M. Night?
Priya Auntie.

You know, I never thought
how hard it must be

for an older Indian woman
to try to break into

the most unfair profession
in the world

in the most secretly-racist
city in America.

You can't help what you love.

You know, the smartest thing
I ever did

was start my own business.

Then you get to be
your own boss,

and the sexual harassment rules
don't apply to you,

'cause you're the groper.

Why don't you just do that?

I can't become a gynecologist.

- My hands are very cold.
- No!

I mean, why don't you write
your own play?

You know?
Based on your own stories.

You know, I have kept
very detailed journals.

Care for a taste?

- We'd love to, Mom.
- Can I be high for that?

There I was, an Indian immigrant

in Arlington, Massachusetts,
in the blizzard of 1978.

What is this cold sugar
from the sky?

America is the land
of plentiful!

"No," my husband said.

"That is snow, my darling."

I asked, "Who is that white man
in our front yard?"

"It's a snowman."

I barely knew my husband.

To say nothing of
the looks I got

when I washed my clothes
in the Concord river.

And I thought,

Will this cold,
unforgiving place

ever be my home?

But as time went on,

India became a distant memory,

and all of it changed for me.

My adoptive home

became simply... my home.