The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 5 - Leland Breakfast Is the Miracle Worker - full transcript

Jeremy, thanks
for taking me to a musical.

What old bag is starring
in "Chicago" this week?

This isn't "Chicago."

No, we're not watching
a musical at all.

- This is a straight play.
- A play?

What am I gonna dance
in the aisles to?

A boring-ass monologue?

- All right, I'm out of here.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Trust me,
you're gonna love this show.

How could you not when
the star is Leland Breakfast?

Leland Breakfast?
Who dat?



He's only the bad boy
of the London theater scene.

His one-man adaptation
of "The Miracle Worker"

was, ugh, sensation
on the West End.

A play was a sensation?

Do they not have TV there?

Yeah, Leland was actually
an old chum of mine

from university
from Drama Club, yeah.

Actually, the two of us
really bonded

when he and the others
hazed me into hospital.

Water, Helen.

It has a name.

Wah...

Water.

Pump.



Yes, pump.

Son of a bitch.

Sorry, can we have
the house lights up, please?

Yeah, you, in the front row.

The one dressed
as a birthday cupcake.

You've been on your bloody
mobile the entire show.

Ex-squeeze me?
Me?

I will have you know,
that I am a doctor.

- Shh. Shh. Shh.
- Yes.

And I was dealing with
a medical emergency...

- No, no, no, no, no.
- So I guess I'm the real

Miracle Worker here.

Give it.

- Oh, God.
- Um...

- Give it.
- Uh...

Stop talking.
Give it.

Oh, yes, she was on Instagram,

ladies and gentlemen.

- Wha...
- Yes, that's right.

Commenting on a photograph
of Amanda Seyfried's dog.

She's just so into that dog.

Do you know, I have
half a mind to drop this

- in a pitcher of... wah...
- Oh, no.

Wah...

Aah!

♪♪

Leland, you were marvelous.

Like Helen Keller

I, too, was blinded by tears

and deafened by my own applause.

Hang on a tick, do I know you?

Yeah, we were at uni together.

Jeremy Reed.

You may remember me
as Princess Wanker.

I'm just having a laugh,
Princess Wanker!

How are you, you dear,
sweet little man?

Oh. See, Mindy?
We're such good friends.

Sorry, are you with her?

- Is she off her knob?
- Very much so.

Okay, I am the customer here.

It is your job to entertain me.

If I have to go on my phone,
have I failed,

or has theater failed?

Goodness, you are a little
handful, aren't you?

I actually had a look through
the photos in your phone.

I liked what I saw.

Mostly.

A couple were chilling.

Okay, well,
those photos are between me

and my eczema
support group, so...

So where are
we going for dinner?

Because I know what
I'm having for dessert.

That was a very sexy offer,
but I cannot.

For one, you were extremely
mean to me in a public setting.

Cheers.

And, also,
I have a boyfriend, so...

Hey, hey, what the hell
are you doing?

Stop being insane
and accept his offer.

- You're pushing 40.
- I'm 12.

I'm... I'm 12.

Well, if you change your mind,

I put my number in your phone.

Thank you.

It's a British number,
so it'll cost you

$15 per text.

But trust me, I'm worth it.

- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

- I think he was kind of into me.
- I agree.

He must be back on the opiates.

Good morning, everyone,
I have an announcement.

Acclaimed thespian
and close, personal friend,

Leland Breakfast is in town

and I'm throwing him a party.

Now, this event is
very important to me,

so while protocol demands
that I invite you all,

I trust some of you
will know not to come.

Who're you looking at?

Is there a loser behind me?

Oh, a party
for Leland Breakfast.

I'm gonna bust out my pearls.

Sorry, a party
for that guy in the play?

- Yeah.
- Who cares?

If I want to hang out
with Broadway stars,

I'll just turn on Grindr
in a Mormon church.

No, no, no, no, no.

Leland Breakfast is not
just some Tonys nerd.

He's Doctor Universe
in the Marvel movies.

You know, the superhero
with the power

to manipulate the universe?

It's kind of an unspecific
power, isn't it?

It could mean anything.

- Or nothing.
- Duh.

Not knowing that is
his greatest weakness.

Okay, watch this, watch this.

There's a scene in "Avengers 3:
Civil War 2: Requiem"

where Doctor Universe is
hurled back into a black hole.

I remember that.

I remember thinking, "You know,

"perhaps if Doctor Universe
can escape

"Loki's vibranium chains,
then...

"uh, maybe I could escape...

The chains of
my third marriage."

Okay, I didn't know he knew
Cobie Smulders.

I like him now.
He's cool.

Eh, I don't know.

Those superhero films,
they're so low-brow.

Give me a great foreign film
like "Madagascar"

or "Kung Fu Panda."

The craziest thing is that Leland
actually asked Mindy out.

- Yeah.
- Aw, it figures.

All actors are sex addicts.

Took me forever to get rid
of Robert Blake.

But when I did, did I ever.

I'm not interested, okay?

I have Ben:
a hot, age-appropriate boyfriend

with a bad sense of smell.

Yeah, he can't smell nothing.

Has anyone seen
Dr. Kimball-Kinney?

I need Mrs. Gomez's blood work.

Oh, Jody won't be available
until after lunch.

He said he needs to "set awhile"
in his rocking chair

and do some reckoning.

That seems like a strange
request for a grown man

from this century.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Check it...
him and Dr. L had a thing,

And then she rejected him,
now she's flaunting her new love

right under his nose.

How long could it possibly
take for him to get over this?

I was back at my gymnastics meet
an hour after

my grandfather's trial, so...

Well, listen, Kimball-Kinneys

take romantic rejection
very hard.

Our grandpa once
got so heartbroken,

he turned into the trunk
of a willow tree.

I don't believe that,
but I don't want to offend you,

so I'm going to leave.

Check this out.

I got you something.

Oh, you got me a book of poems.

- As a present.
- Yeah.

Cool.

I shall put it on my nightstand
under a glass of water.

Oh, hey,
what're you doing on Friday?

Jeremy's having a party
for his friend.

He's a well-known actor.

You might've heard of him.

His name is Leland Breakfast.

- Doctor Universe?
- Mm-hmm.

I went as him for Halloween.

- Twice.
- When you were a kid, right?

No, last year
and the year before.

You know what?
I'm excited you're excited.

Hey, do you think
I can get him to sign

my Doctor Universe
action figure?

No, and I don't want you
to say that ever again.

Okay, no one can know
that you collect dolls.

- Copy that.
- Okay.

- They're collector's items.
- Eh, eh, eh.

Hey.

You're more put-together
than normal.

Were you arguing against
evolution in court again?

It was postponed
so I could rebut

some new fossils they found.

No, I am so attired because I am
having dinner with a friend.

Like a hot date?

Okay, you back in the game.

We've been worried about you.

At your age, I thought
you'd have to go

to an Exotic Marigold Hotel
to find love.

Well, some things should
remain private, Tamra.

Like how closely related
Mother and Father are.

Good evening.

Let's see where in the hell
you going.

Dinner with Jen Trang.

Hmm.

- ♪ All right ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get it, get it, get it, get it.

Yes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
this is good.

Colette, sorry to interrupt
your little ice cream dance,

But you know I'd only do
that for something important.

That was a perfect take!

- This better be good.
- It is.

Dr. K is back
in the saddle, y'all.

Last night, he went on a date
with someone named Jen Trang.

And with a name like that,
you know she's in her 30s.

- "Jen."
- Oh, my God, Dr. Trang.

I love her!

Yeah, she's great.

And she's married.

I mean, how many times
does Jody have to get shot

before he learns
not to cad around?

His shoulder's more lead
than bone!

Hey, let's calm down,
let's take it from the top again...

You know what, Morgan, I don't
feel like dancing anymore.

What?
No, no, no, no...

I'm gonna eat this
ice cream, though.

Now we're gonna miss
her festival deadlines.

Ugh, this is madness.

You can just hit command then C
rather than clicking edit

then copy every time.

Hey, man,
if you're so good at computers,

how come I was the one that had
to teach you how to use

the dog filter on Snapchat?

You forced me to do that

and then you mocked me for it.

Oh, hi.

Aren't you Dr. Mindy Lahiri?

- Yeah, I am.
- I work at the hospital.

I just recognize you
because my boyfriend

always speaks so highly of you.

Oh, your boyfriend works
in the morgue, right?

I do a Melania Trump
impression for him.

"Oh, Donald, I'm too tired.

I don't want to go on
campaign trail with you."

Hey, who is that?

Who's Donald?

No my boyfriend's name is Ben.

Ben Miller.

I think he's your son's nurse.

This is
very embarrassing for you.

I'm sorry, Ben Miller
is your boyfriend?

- Yeah.
- Like, a boy that's a friend?

Like Morgan and me?

- Wait, I'm... I'm your friend?
- Oh, shh!

It's just that, you know, he's
literally never mentioned you,

and I spent a lot
of time with him.

Well, I can't imagine
I would come up much

when he's treating your son.

Do you have sex with him?

Um, that's between him and me,

but yes, he's so tender.

Okay, you need to go.

Take your blood, and your urine,

and your adorable
boyfriend stories

and get your ass up out of here.

Goldilocks,
I want you out of here.

- I'm sorry... okay.
- Get out.

Thanks for choosing Shulman.

Hey.
I'm sorry.

Command and V is paste.
So...

- Get out!
- Ow, ow, ow, ow!

I'm performing a delivery!

You are surprisingly strong.

Are you insane,
barging in like that?

The first words that baby heard
were you calling me a skank.

Well, if you're not a skank,

why did you go to dinner
with my brother last night,

Dr. Trang?

Your brother's
Jody Kimball-Kinney?

- Yeah!
- I wasn't on a date with him.

Do I look like I want
drug-resistant crabs?

I was interviewing him
for a job at my practice.

Oh, you tried to poach him
like he's some

delicious brunch egg?

No, he came to me.

He said he felt
uncomfortable at his practice

and was looking for a change.

- Did he not tell you?
- Sure.

Uh, yup, uh...
he didn't tell me.

Um, which is...
weird, 'cause, uh...

I mean, we definitely kept
secrets from each other before.

All the time, all the time.

It's... whoop-Dee-doo!

Uh...

The show is called "Botched"?

She looks better than me.

Hey, Min.

Been looking for ya.

You didn't respond to my text,
asking you to go for a hike.

I didn't respond
for two reasons.

First: how dare you?

Second: how dare you?

Okay, I don't think
I completely understand.

Why did a lab tech
come to my office

and say that you
were her boyfriend?

Oh, my God.
Lisa?

Lisa?

It figures your hot girlfriend
would have

a sexy name like Lisa.

Look, she's not
my girlfriend, okay?

We're just... hanging out.

Wait.

Are we just hanging out?

No.

I mean, I don't know.

We haven't really
talked about it.

Yeah, we haven't talked about
it, but we're sleeping together.

You gave me a book of poetry.

I almost read it!

- Okay, I'm leaving.
- Wait, Mindy.

And you cannot come to
that Doctor Universe party.

Unless you're "hanging out"
with Scarlett Johansson, too.

Dr. Trang told us you're
trying to leave Shulman.

Were you gonna leave without me?

Is there another sister/coworker
I should know about?

Well, knowing Father,
there are almost certainly

sisters we don't know about.

And yes, I am
thinking about leaving.

Is this because every morning
I go into your lunch

and I take one slice
of meat off your sandwich?

Oh, my...

It is humiliating working with
a person who has spurned you.

Every day, I have to
watch Mindy butter her donut

while she microwaves her bacon.

I can't take it.

You got rejected, bro.
Get over it.

Happened to me, too.

Think of it this way,
we are both coworkers

who were friend-zoned by Dr. L,
so we're, like, the same.

I've made up my mind,
and once a Kimball-Kinney

makes their decision,
that duck is in the dog's mouth.

Is this because you walked in
on me going to the bathroom

and I had all my clothes off?

Oh, for f...

- Oh, cheer up, Mindy.
- No.

I've got an idea.

Why don't you text Leland
and see if he wants

to take you to the party
as his date?

Yes.
Here.

It would really help me out.

I mean, it's Leland Breakfast.

All the women want
to sleep with him

and all the men want...

Want to watch.
Yeah, it's perfect. Mm-hmm.

Shouldn't I break
up with Ben first?

But, wait were we even dating?

Was that even his penis?

Please, Mindy!

If you care about me
at all, you will do this.

Okay, okay!
Ow!

Fine, I'll sleep
with a celebrity, jeez.

Excuse me.

Okay.

Hey, do you have a date
for Jeremy's party?

There, I did it.
Okay?

He's not gonna respond.

You're that cheeky bint
with more curves

than the Swindon roundabout,
aren't you?

I was planning on going on
my Jack Jones,

but I wouldn't mind
taking you out for a spin.

Oh, my God, it's on.
I think.

Can you translate this?

- Yes!
- Ah!

You about to be
with Leland Breakfast.

- Oh!
- Yes!

Flecks of blood in stool.

Hey, Morgan.

Do you know if Mindy's
cooled off yet?

I want to go to
her place to apologize,

but I'm just not sure if
I should wear a cup.

Too little too late, bro.

She will be going to Dr. Reed's
party with Leland Breakfast.

- You snooze, you fail.
- What? Damn it.

I wish I was Doctor Universe
so I can go back in time

and change what happened.

I thought his power
was manipulating the universe.

Time travel is one of the ways
he manipulates it.

Don't nitpick,
I'm in a bad place right now.

Okay, what'd you expect,
you got all sketchy with Dr. L.

Look, technically,
I wasn't cheating

'cause we never had
the conversation.

No, no... once people start
falling back on technicalities,

they know they're wrong, okay?

Dr. L said to me, "Morgan, you
can't just walk into my office,"

but technically, she didn't
say that I couldn't crawl

or slither or scoot on my butt
like a sick dog,

but I know I'm wrong
when I do it.

I think there's a good point
in there somewhere.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, Morgan.

Are you expecting a tip?

Were you pleased
with your service?

Anyway, so,
I said to Idina Menzel,

"Darling, your chest appears
to be 'defying gravity."'

And then she, uh... well,
she smacked me across the face.

Real "Wicked" -like.

- Why? What's "Wicked"?
- Shut up.

It's so nice that Jeremy
threw this party for you.

He's typically pretty secretive.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, it is a pretty tiny flat.

We should really come
and see my place in England.

You'd probably know
it as Downton Abbey.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

What is "Downton Abbey"?

No, cut it out.

Damn it, Colette!

Dr. Trang said they won't hire
me because of your outburst.

They gave the job
to a Korean medical robot

who "causes less drama."

Well, I'm glad
that you can't leave,

because now that we don't
live together,

the only time we see each other
is work, weekends, and ballroom.

This was my best chance
to get out

of an intolerable
work situation.

And the new office
was next to my gym, L.A. Look.

Oh, you know what?
This city has changed you.

You never worked out before.

I... I like the way I look.
I like the new me.

Oh, yeah?
You look like a fit Abe Lincoln.

I like looking like an L.A. man.

Psst!
Princess Wanker, come here.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Uh, so I'm noticing
that those two aren't really

paying me any attention.

Something wrong?

I mean, I are they seeing?

Oh, oh, that's just my coworker.

Yeah, Jody's had some
love troubles at work.

Oh.

Well, I know how we can
cheer up our little Jody.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I've just heard

that a young woman here tonight
by the name of Jody

has been feeling
romantically rejected at work.

Now, this may be hard
to believe, but...

I can relate.

I rejected Margot Robbie
on the set of

"Doctor Universe 2:
Winter Planet"

and I can tell you,
it crushed her.

- Yeah.
- Now, like Doctor Universe,

I don't know
all the powers I have.

But with, uh, vague power...

comes, you know,
vague responsibility.

- What're you doing?
- Sorry.

So I would like
to dedicate this song

to our lovely, lonely,
little Jody.

♪ And I am ♪

♪ Telling you ♪

♪ I'm not going ♪

♪ You're the best girl ♪

♪ I'll ever know ♪

♪ And you and you and you ♪

♪ You're gonna love me ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ You're gonna love me ♪

♪ Yes you are ♪

♪ Yes you are ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Love me ♪

♪ Love me ♪

♪ Love ♪

He's, like, a triple threat.

What're you doing here?

I should've known
that you were not gonna commit.

You're too handsome and normal.

If I was you, I'd have,
like, 12 side pieces.

But it's fine, Doctor Galaxy
thinks I'm a six.

Doctor Universe.

Doctor Galaxy
is a totally different person.

He actually died pushing
a hydrogen bomb into a black hole.

Cool.

Hey, will you hold on a second?

Did it ever occur to you
that I wasn't 100% sure

you wanted to
be serious with me?

What?
No, I suck.

What are you talking about?

You don't suck, you're this
fancy New York doctor

- who went to Brown.
- Brown?

I went to Princeton, son.

Whatever,
they're both Ivy League.

Yeah, the way that Kim and Rob
are both Kardashians.

Look, the point is, you're you,

and I buy my groceries
and jeans at the same store.

Okay, well,
that's one way of looking at me.

The other is
that I'm a single mom who's wearing

one of my son's Pull-Ups
as underwear

because I didn't have time
to do laundry.

Well, you're still
pretty glamorous to me.

And if it counts for anything,

the other girl
never met my daughter.

Come with me.

Anna, stop it.

I'm trying to leave
this embarrassment.

Maybe I'll walk into the ocean
like Mother tried

after Obama won.

Oh, what is wrong with you?

Uh, I'm sad,
the situation is horrible,

my alcoholism is too
high-functioning

for anyone to intervene.

- You want to continue?
- No, snap out of it!

Cher said that once
in a humorous movie I rented

called "Moonstruck"...
I didn't care for it.

But my heart was broken and I...

Oh, holy sh...

I came to Shulman
to treat vaginas,

not work with one.

And yes, that is not something
I'd like you to repeat

because female genitalia
are strong,

hashtag I'm with her,

the female Ghostbusters
are better,

blah, blah, blah, blah...

No!

I took this job to work
alongside great doctors.

Now, you can't just leave,
you're the most normal one here.

Which is weird,
because you're a spooky ghost

from a Faulkner novel.

You are a mean woman.

Ugh, this is taking up
too much of my time.

There!

Now you kissed someone else,
be normal again.

Do I have to do
everything myself?

Jesus.

Ah, there you are,
my little cupcake.

I just put the hat out
and made $10,000

for Broadway Cares...
you're welcome.

Oh, my God.

Okay, well,
I'll be out in a second.

Oh, hello.
Who's this?

First of all,
I just have to tell you,

it's a huge honor to meet you,
big fan.

So many questions for you,
Doctor Universe.

Keep them short.

Second of all,
this is my girlfriend now,

so I'm afraid
that your date is over.

I tell you what,
why don't you piss off

and, uh, leave me here
with these two birds.

I love you, Leland.

Of course you do.

The lady's made her choice,
my friend.

Hey, man, I just said
that that's my girlfriend.

Well, what do you
want to do, eh?

What, have a fight?
What, are you gonna punch me?

Lay one on me right there,
go on, go on, go on.

I'm not gonna hit
Doctor Universe.

Oh, well, that's great,
because that's how

I win all my fights...
what's that?

Oh, God.

- Ugh.
- Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Damn it, why
didn't I just hit him first?

I don't know.
Oh, my God.

Good night, Princess Wanker.

Oh, Leland, you're not leaving.

Um, what can I do
to make you stay?

Do you want to beat me up
for old time's sake?

No, Jeremy.
Your party was terrible.

I'm making my Brexit
if anyone cares to join.

The drinks are on me, obviously,
'cause I'm massively rich.

Come on, everyone.

Oh, Mindy.

One last chance.

I just texted Jeremy Renner.

He's gonna bring some, uh,
you-know-what.

Okay, I think you mean cocaine.

The answer's no.

Who needs Jeremy Renner
when I have Jeremy Reed.

Okay, that's rude.
You should go.

Very well, I guess
you'll never get to discover

Doctor Universe's
greatest power...

butt stuff.

- All right, Doctor, time to go.
- Okay.

That's pretty sexy,
but he should go.

Yeah, you two,
the fit ones, with me.

Uh, no way.
You were rude to Dr. Reed,

and only I'm allowed to do that.

I don't like the English.
Too emotional.

Yeah, I bet you'd love
for me to go with you.

I'm not going to,
I'm gonna tell you why.

One: I don't want to.

Two: I don't have an ID
'cause no one knows my birthday.

- My theory, sometime in March...
- Finished?

Yeah.
That's what I thought.

Son of a bitch.

Go ahead,
'cause you can't hang out here.

Out, all of you.

Well, I'm ruined.

I can't go back
to my reunion now.

Not that they ever invite me.

Don't be so down
on yourself, Jer.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not going anywhere.

Jeremy, do you have any ice?

Because my boyfriend
was punched in the face.

My boyfriend.

Yeah, Dr. Reed,
can you play something?

'Cause I'm starting to regret
not going to Renner's.

You know, I don't really
have anything prepared.

♪ Know it sounds funny ♪

♪ But I just can't stand
the pain ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Girl, I'm leaving you
tomorrow ♪

♪ Girl, I begged, stole ♪

♪ And I borrowed ♪

♪ That's why I'm easy ♪