The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 4 - Mindy Lahiri Is a Misogynist - full transcript

- Sorry I'm late.
Beep, beep. Coming through.

- Ow!
That's my punting foot.

- I'm so sorry, Colette.

I'm still getting used
to steering my Rascal.

It has been a great help
in the recovery

from my heart episode
during the nurses' strike.

- Well, that's not fair.

Every time I ride my hoverboard
around the hospital,

everyone freaks out
just 'cause it explodes.

- Well, Dr. Donna says
I need to work

on reducing my stress levels.



- Well, when I get
really stressed out,

I just don't come to work
for a couple days,

and the doctors
don't even notice.

- We notice.
It's a break for all of us.

- But, well,
to... to lighten my workload,

we're going to be hiring
another doctor.

- Oh! Ooh!

- Wait, what?

This is so exciting!

Jeremy, please let him be hot.

Then we can finally shoot
our sexy calendar.

- You have to let me be in it.

I have a very rare body.
People will be interested.

- I'll shoot it. I got cameras
everywhere in this place.



- No one's shooting anything!

We will be holding
interviews this week.

If you'll excuse me,
I must return to my office

to rake my Zen calming sand.

- Ow!
- I am sorry!

- You got to be careful
with that, man.

- I'm trying.
- It's a weapon.

♪♪

Mindy: Ah, autumn
in New York City.

The leaves have turnt.

Sweaters and blazers make
everyone look more educated.

And you can drink liquid
chocolate without judgment.

- Hey, Leo, no.
Don't... don't do that.

That's a Band-Aid.

Definitely don't want this
in your mouth.

- Oh, God.
Throw it away, throw it away.

- Mindy, this is the saddest
playground I've ever seen.

The hopscotch area's just
a chalk outline of a body.

- Okay, I think that's
a Keith Haring,

which is cool because
it's about gay stuff.

- You know where I live
in New Jersey,

the playgrounds
actually have grass.

- I didn't actually know that
people lived in New Jersey.

I thought that's just
where people in New York

went to dump bodies.

- Hold on.
Easy, snob.

New Jersey's great.

- Mm.

- We gave you Chris Christie,

Tony Soprano,

Kevin Smith...
- Yeah.

- Really all of your
male husky celebrities.

And technically,
the Statue of Liberty

is in New Jersey.

- What?
- Yep.

- Okay, I don't want
to hear that, all right?

The Statue of Liberty is
a hot, green Manhattan bitch.

- Your son just pulled
a bloody fishnet stocking

out of the sandbox.

- Oh, my God.
Leo, drop that!

Drop that right now!

Well, Robin, we did it.

We finally got a baby
to sign a nine-month lease

on your uterus.

I'm so happy.

- I know. Who's the good
daughter-in-law now, Diane?

- And, um, I'm not technically
supposed to say this,

but you're our favorite patient.

- Yeah, she's not joking.

We just updated our rankings,

and you dethroned Lisa.

She came here
straight from the gym twice.

- Well, Morgan is gonna take you
for your very first ultrasound.

And guess what...
I figured out a way

to put Instagram filters
on there.

- Mm-hmm. Let's go.
Come on, let's have some fun.

- See you tomorrow
at 8:00 a.m.

- Mindy, it's time to start
the interviews.

We have a very impressive
crop of candidates.

One of them delivered a baby
on Everest.

- Megan, Jen, Sonia...

Only women.

- Yes, well, we've done you
such a disservice,

you being our only woman
doctor all these years.

This way you'll have a gal pal
to watch Bravo with.

- Cool. Go, feminism.
- Right.

- That is very impressive,
Dr. Nichols.

You have an MD and a PhD.

You're like two doctors in one.

If the patient needs
a second opinion,

they just go right back to you.

- Well, my PhD is in theater,

so only if her pauses
are pregnant.

- So good to meet you.
- Thank you.

- Color me wowed.
I loved her.

- I like that she didn't seem
like a loud woman.

- Yeah, I don't know, guys.

There was just something
really off about her vibe.

Besides, we can't just hire
the first person we meet.

Who's next?

So nice to meet you.

Ugh, bad vibe.

So nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

- Did you hear
how she said "thank you"?

That was so weird.

Eh, we can do better than that.

Oh, my God.

- Okay, who's next?

- What about no one?

- Maybe we should open
this up to men,

you know, just so we get
the best possible choice.

I mean, this is serious, guys.

These people will be
in our Oscar pool.

- Fine, but can we please
make a decision?

The strain is taking
its toll on me.

My feet have purpled.
- Oh.

- Guys, you will never guess
what happened today.

checking to see if I'd gotten
any voiceover work, as I do,

when I saw a résumé
for an OB/GYN

that, frankly, blew me away,
so I brought him in.

Welcome Robert!

Hey, I'm Robert.

Hello.
How are you?

- Good.
- Ooh, sorry.

- Uh, take a seat.
- Okay.

- So tell us, where was
your last place of employment?

- Oh, it was on board
the "Atlantic Fantasy."

- Oh, so you're a doctor
on a cruise ship.

- Yeah, uh, not just that.

I was also the harness manager

for the ship's zip-line.

- So you... you are
an OB/GYN, though, right?

- Well, don't ask me.

Ask the Universidad de Juarez,
El Chapo campus.

I have brought the diploma
to prove that I have it.

Newspapers.
- There's no...

- Racing forms.

I left the diploma at home.

- Robert, you know, it's okay.

You don't need to show us
your diploma.

- It's the one thing
you had to remember!

- That's okay.
- Son of a bitch!

- I think it went well.

- Yeah, I thought
it went pretty good.

- Well, thank you for coming in.

- Mm-hmm.

- Um, do you have a bathroom
I can use?

- Yeah, sure, it's just
down the hall.

- Um, and is there a time limit

for how long I can be in there?

- I don't think so.
- Three minutes.

- Three minutes.

I'll do my best.

- Try to stick to three...

- So?

What did you guys think?

I thought it was refreshing
that he didn't take

the normal, boring
ivory-tower path

to becoming a doctor.

- I didn't get a chance
to talk to that guy,

but I have never felt
a stronger connection

with another human being.

- Thank you, Morgan.

Do you know how brave
and confident you need to be

to sit in an interview
and just fart uncontrollably?

- I didn't see that.
- Uh...

- I mean, I love that,

and I think we need
more of that here.

- Mindy, every one
of our female candidates

was far superior to that
walking MRSA infection.

- I hate to say it, but it seems
like you're too threatened

to have another female
doctor in the office.

Okay, no. I love women.

I'm having a full
sexual relationship

with a Rihanna body pillow.

Back me up, ladies.

- I don't know, Dr. L,
part of me thinks

the only reason you like me
is because you forget

I'm a woman half the time.

- I'm sorry. It's just you have
those strong, sexy shoulders.

- Let's face it, Mindy.
You're kind of a misogynist.

What?

- Gregory, what did I tell you

about playing Spider-Man
on the roof?

Now you're Professor X.

You just sit there
and move things with your mind.

Okay?

Got it?
- Got it.

- Hey, what are you doing here?

- Ben, am I a misogynist?

- I don't think I know you
well enough to answer that.

- Well, my coworkers think I am,

just because I didn't like
any of the female doctors

they brought in to interview.

And who would?
They're a bunch of bitches.

- Well, they might be
onto something.

- All right.
- Look, why don't you just

bring in a female doctor
of your own?

- Uh, that's brilliant.

Well, do you know any
OB/GYNs looking for work?

- What about that one
who just got fired

from the Midtown Women's Clinic?

- Oh, my God,
I read about her in "Page Six."

She slapped a doctor.
This is perfect.

Bring in a woman they hate,
then they're the misogynists

for not hiring her.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I'm just nodding my head

so it doesn't ruin our date
tomorrow in New Jersey.

- Gre... Gregory?

This little shit.

- Well, well,
well-freakin'-well.

You called me a misogynist.

You humiliated me in front
of that cool guy Robert.

But would a misogynist
bring a straight-up

human woman female in
for an interview?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Right now I just want you
to give a warm welcome

to Dr. Anna Ziev.

Come on in, Anna.

- Nice to meet all of you.

Should I sit in the chair
closest to me?

- Uh, sure, sure.

You're very beautiful.

- Hey, no.
No, no.

Anna, your... your résumé
is really quite impressive.

It says here you've performed

over 1,400 deliveries
in 4 years.

My, my.

- Yes, well, some people
have described me

as a workaholic, which I reject

for its connotations
of addiction.

I prefer "workaphile."

- Ugh.
- Mm-hmm.

- I find it's incredible
how much you can get done

when you only need
two hours of sleep a night

and take no pleasure from food.

Well, based on your résumé
and, uh, Mindy's recommendation

and, once again,
your breathtaking beauty,

I say you're hired.

- I agree.
Anna, welcome.

- And "awesome" is what I say.

As a formality, though,

maybe we should just ask,
inquire,

about the circumstances
why you were, you know,

let go from your last position.

- I was wondering when this
was gonna come up.

In an unfortunate incident
that I deeply regret,

I slapped another doctor
at my practice.

- Oh, my God.

What would make you
do something so insane?

- Well, Dr. Lahiri,
a woman can only take

her coworker calling her
"sweetheart" so many times.

HR said, "Take it
as a compliment, sugar,"

so I took matters
into my own palm.

Dignified?
No.

Effective?
Very.

- Wow.

That is shocking.

Anna, I'm sorry,
that is unacceptable.

As Gandhi said, "You can be mad,

but you ain't got not right
to slap no one."

- You slapped Morgan
this morning.

- You know what?

Guys, I am so sorry I brought in
this violent criminal.

Honestly, for the safety
of our patients, I...

- Get out... get out of the way.

- Okay.

- Anna, I'm so sorry
you had to go through that.

Believe me, the only name
you'll be called here

is "colleague."

- Yes, welcome
to the team, sweetheart.

Uh, sorry, sugar.
Pumpkin?

- No, that's fine,
because you're not ugly.

- Hey.
- Oh, God!

- What do you think
about this shirt?

Is this good for Dr. Z's
welcome drinks?

I got it at Barney's
warehouse sale.

Do you remember
my friend Barney?

My neighbor, no teeth?
Moved into a warehouse.

- Eh, we're having welcome
drinks for Dr. Z?

- Mm-hmm.
- When I started here,

there were no welcome drinks.

I've never been
welcomed anywhere.

- Are you gonna come?
Please.

- Ugh, I can't. I have to go
to Jersey to see Ben.

- But, you know,
let's put a pin in this.

- Wha...

- Dr. Z...

do you like this shirt?

- I'm gathering
you want me to say yes,

even if I don't feel that way.

- That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

I'll walk you to your office.

- Okay, uh...

Ah, corn's so good.

I didn't know that corn came
on, like, a cob like this.

- Yeah.
- Hey, I got to tell you...

Besides that boring-ass
ride to get here,

I think I love New Jersey.

You know, I can't believe
that you can park

right next to your house.

- What are you doing?
- What?

- This isn't a park.
This is my backyard.

That could break my lawnmower.

- Oh, man, I am so sorry.

It just felt right, you know?

It was very wrong.

- Didn't miss my train.
Thank God.

See, it wasn't a mistake

to stop at the Bada Bing
and get a photo.

- See, for a strip club,

they serve a surprisingly
good breakfast.

But that was
my first time there.

- Hey, I had a really nice time
visiting New Jersey.

- I'm glad you came.
- Me too.

Mwah.
Ah, I don't want to leave.

- I'll see you soon.
- But I have a patient at 8:00.

- All right.
- I'll see you really soon.

Okay, I'm gonna do this
on the train.

- On the train.

- Tickets.

- Here you go.

- This ticket is for Manhattan.

- Yeah, I live there...

Tribeca, specifically.

- Nice to meet you, Melania,

but this is the express train
to Philadelphia.

- Oh, no.
God.

Guys? Oh, God, guys,
I am so sorry that I'm late.

Look, is my 8:00 here,
or did she already leave?

- No, she's still here.
Don't worry.

The new American doctor
took her.

- What?

- Now, remember to take
your prenatals, Robin.

And contrary to what
Dr. Lahiri said,

you cannot crush them up
and snort them.

- Dr. Lahiri,
thank you so much

for referring me
to Dr. Ziev.

I'm, like, totally
in love with her.

- Wow.
Well, who isn't?

And I am so happy
that this worked out.

Girl power.

- Well, uh, I will see you
in two weeks, Robin.

- Bye.

- Ooh. Meow!

Looks like a catfight's coming.

It was only a matter of time.

- Looks like we've got
a Bette Davis,

Joan Crawford situation.

- Okay.

- You think you can just steal
my patient?

Nate Berkus?

- Hi.

- Oprah's personal design guru?

Do you remember me?

I was in the studio audience
of your show,

and they threw me out
for doing the Arsenio.

I was like,
"Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!"

- Yeah.
How could I forget that?

- You do remember.

- Uh, Nate, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have
to deal with this.

- Clearly.
- Send Jeremiah my love.

- Of course.
So good to see you.

- You too.
- Thanks. Talk to you soon.

- Kisses.
- You're all right here, right?

- Oh, I'm fine.
- Okay.

- It was great
meeting you in person,

and tell Jeremiah
I said hi, too.

- He doesn't know you.

- Who the hell
do you think you are?

- The youngest non-Asian
to get an MD from Harvard.

Also, I had
a documentary at Sundance

about the bleaching
of the coral reefs.

- Okay, I saw that.
That was hella moving...

about a subject that I thought
I would not care at all about,

but mostly because
of Liev Schreiber's narration.

What you did
was so unprofessional.

- Well, I think
it's pretty unprofessional

to show up an hour
and 32 minutes late for work.

- You know what?
I totally understand

why your old practice fired you,

'cause I'm firing you.

- You can't do that.

- I just did, baby.

And I'm taking
your cool stuff with me.

- No, that...
That is an heirloom.

- Nate, Nate,
help me accessorize this.

- You've gone too far, Lahiri.
Too damn far.

- Mindy, you can't just fire
the prettiest person

in the office
without consulting us.

- Actually, I can,

because we're all entitled
to have one emotional firing.

- You used your emotional
firing on Troy the intern.

He moved back to Ohio
and went back into the closet.

- Anna stole my patient,
which makes her a thief.

If she stole your computer
or your work liquor,

we'd fire her.

- Mindy, just face it.

You don't like Anna
because she's a pretty woman.

- I'm sorry.
You think she's pretty?

She's like a younger Kate Upton
with bigger breasts. Ugh.

- Well, I'm sorry,
but we all have to work

with people
we have problems with.

For example, I have a coworker
who spurned me romantically

after I bought her
an apartment...

an Indian coworker.

- All right, we get it.
Here's what's gonna happen.

Anna's gonna return
to work tomorrow,

and you, Mindy Lahiri,
are gonna apologize to her.

And after you apologize to her,

you are forbidden to claim
that it's Opposites Day.

- You guys suck balls.

- What?
What was that?

- Okay, fine, fine.
I'll apologize.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

Thank you, Mindy.

- Not!
- Son of a bitch.

Come in.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- So I dropped off your stuff
at your apartment,

but I figured
you might want your phone.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, and your shoe.

- Ugh, thank God.

I've had to wear one FatStep
the whole day.

- So when can I get you
back to Jersey?

I know a place...

It's got the best
fried clam strips.

The secret is
there's no clam inside,

just solid fried.

- That sounds amazing,

but I'll probably have
to order it for delivery,

because I am never setting foot

in the Garbage State ever again.

Being late from New Jersey
is why I lost a patient,

and now I have to apologize
to a she-Satan.

- It's not New Jersey's
fault you're late.

Everybody else makes it to work
on time from the suburbs.

- Yeah, you know, I guess
I don't know those people,

because all the guys I've dated
have lived in Manhattan.

- What am I supposed to do
with that information?

- I don't know.
It's true, though.

- Well, I'm sorry
I'm not some rich prick

who lives in Tribeca

like every other coked-up Chad
you've ever dated.

I'm sure he'd bring your shoe
like you're frickin' Cinderella.

- You know what? Tribeca Chad
would have kicked me out

first thing in the morning
when the stock market opened,

told me he was married,
and given me a coconut water.

But I would have gotten
to work on time, so...

- Well, don't worry.

You don't have to slum it on
the commuter train ever again.

- You want this open or closed?

- Closed.

My stuff.

Oh, hey, buddy,
have you seen Nurse Ben?

Whoa.
Sorry.

- It's okay.

- He's here.
He's with a patient.

Should be out soon.

- Ooh, sour worms, huh?

Those are my favorite.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

- Do you want one?

- Oh, sure.
Yeah, thank you.

You know, I didn't have dinner,

so I can actually feel
my stomach eating itself.

So thank you.

I'll take a couple
for safety reasons.

- Do you want to talk?

I really don't want
to do my homework.

Yeah, I'm not gonna sit here

and tell my problems
to some kid.

Anna was completely
in the wrong.

I don't hate women.
I just hate her.

- You know, this actually
reminds me of a thing

that happened to me last year
in sixth grade.

For the whole year, I was
the only girl on the math team.

Then last year
Riley C. joined.

She was so annoying

and was always flirting
with all the guys.

Then at regionals,
I saw that Riley

forgot to reduce a fraction,
and I didn't help her.

She ended up getting
the question wrong.

- Hmm, nice.

- No, it... it wasn't nice.

All it did
was make the boys think

that girls were bad at math,
and we ended up losing.

That is a really good story.

And, you know,
if you think about it,

it actually applies
to my situation.

Did you know that?

- Yeah, I know.
That's why I told you.

- I see.
That makes more sense.

- Hey, kiddo.

Both: Hey.

- Mindy, in what world
are you "kiddo"?

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're Mindy?

You're the one dating my dad

and the one who ate all
my pudding cups from the fridge?

- I'm sorry.
You are...

Hey, this just got
really interesting.

- Actually, we're not dating,

because Mindy doesn't date
people who live in New Jersey.

- Your father's correct,
Lindsay, but...

people can change,

you know, if other people
do really nice things for them

or have cool daughters.

- Yeah, well...

my cool daughter
needs to finish her homework.

- Yeah, that makes sense.

And you know what?
I should go.

Guess I'll see you around.
- See you.

- Shh, shh, shh, quiet.

- Mindy, hello.

Do you have anything
to say to Anna?

- Why is the whole staff here?

- 'Cause we've never seen you
apologize for anything, ever.

- Are you filming this?

- Hello?
I can't talk right now.

- Ridiculous.

Okay, okay, fine.

Anna, I am very sorry
for firing you, okay?

It was uncool
and possibly illegal.

But it's true...
I was threatened to have

another female doctor
working here,

but I hope you forgive me
and that you choose to stay.

- Okay, I will stay

and give the appearance
that I forgive you.

- Thank you.
- Fantastic.

Mindy has apologized.

We can all scoot off
back to work.

- But I have something else
that I need to say.

- Oh, that last speech worked.
Stop while you're ahead, girl.

- The only reason
that I am the way that I am

is that I was raised
in a system created by men

that has pitted women
against each other.

It was true in sixth grade,
and it's still true today.

I was taught to believe

that men can only handle
one woman at a time.

So it's not my fault
that I was threatened by Anna.

It's the fault of the patriarchy

and men like you and you and you

and especially you.

- I'm a woman!

- I'm sorry.
It's those sexy shoulders.

- This is ridiculous.
Jeremy and I were the ones

that suggested the office
could use another little lady.

- No, but Dr. L is right.

Because when they were fighting,

you were all, "Meow, looks like
there's gonna be a catfight,"

and all the men laughed.

- Well, if I hadn't
have said it,

one of the other fellas
would have,

and then they'd get my laugh.

- See?
Exactly.

But not anymore, all right?

From now on,
I'm a militant feminist, guys.

And no woman here is going to be
threatened by another woman.

- Unless you're texting
with my bae,

then it's like...
krrr!

- Sure.

But for the rest of the time,

let's all have
each other's back.

- Hey, I got to tell you
something, my friend.

I'm a feminist, too.

And I think we should hire
a third female doctor.

- No!
- Are you out of your mind? No!

- Okay, I didn't understand
any of this.

I'm gonna go back to work.
Excuse me. Congratulations.

I missed you.

- Pardon me, sister.

- Again, I'm very sorry.
- It's okay.

- Krrr!
- I got it.

- Hey.

That was a good speech.
- Thank you.

- But just to be clear,
we aren't friends.

- Oh, no, no.

But not because you're a woman...

Because I don't like you
as a person.

- Exactly.

To me, you'll always be
a shrill,

frenetic, histrionic person.

- Okay.

Excuse me! Excuse me!
- Ow! My elbow!

- I was clearly trying to exit.

Hey.

I love your Halloween
decorations.

- Thank you.
Bye.

- No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, look, Ben.

Listen, I am really sorry
about what I said, okay?

I don't want to be
with some Tribeca Chad.

They're mean, and often
their penises don't work

because of drug use.

Also, I think I could really be
with a bridge-and-tunnel guy.

I mean, you got the bridge.
I have the tunnel.

I'm sorry, I thought it was
sexy when I was practicing it.

- It's not.

- Look, riding on
the train here,

I could kind of see the appeal
of a commute, you know?

It gives you time to get excited

about what
you're coming home to.

- Yeah.

And there's a bar on the train.

- What?

- You keep missing out.

- Damn it!

- You made quite
the impression on Lindsay.

She keeps asking about you.

So there's at least
one girl out there

who doesn't think
you're a misogynist.

- I thought Lindsey
was so cool, too.

And she's so smart.

I wonder where she gets it from.

Her mom must be a genius.

Both:
JK, JK, JK.

- So...

do you think
I could come inside?

- I guess I kind of
have to say yes

because the next train
back to the city

isn't for another hour.

- Hey, I only need ten minutes.

- Ten minutes?
Are we gonna do it twice?

- Go to bed.