The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 3 - Margaret Thatcher - full transcript
The nurses' strike continues, while Mindy finds herself having romantic feelings for the enemy - Ben, the leader of the nurses. As the doctors and nurses try to stay strong, Jeremy finds that the stress is taking a serious toll on...
- Oh, he finally stopped crying.
Thank you.
- So, how did that
happen to Leo?
I couldn't really understand
from your message.
- What?
I thought I was very clear.
I got stuck under my own butt
trying to do yoga,
and Leo tripped when he was
running to get help.
- Yeah, no, you were clear then.
Well, it's just a bump.
Nothing a Popsicle can't fix.
- I love Popsicles.
- Okay.
Hey, look, just one favor.
Don't tell the nurses
I was here.
We can't hang out with
the doctors during the strike,
especially not you.
I mean, no offense, but...
you're not well-liked.
- I ain't well-liked?
Okay, you know what, I have a
solution to your problem, sir.
Why don't the nurses
end the strike
and get your lazy asses
back to work?
- Lazy?
I've just been picketing for
12 hours before I came here.
Look, I don't wanna fight.
It's clear we're on
opposite sides of this.
I think we should be paid
a living wage.
You think that we're Commies
that need to go back to Russia.
Agree to disagree.
Just please don't say anything.
- Yeah, I'll keep your precious
secret, Jason Bourne.
For the record,
it's not such a great look
for me to be hanging out
with a nurse.
People could get mad
at me, all right?
It doesn't matter.
I'm probably never
gonna see you again.
Hey, Leo shoved a nickel
into his ear
and he won't let me take it out.
I need it to get to my gumballs.
- Okay, yeah.
- Come in, come in.
How do I cut his nails
without him freaking out?
He's a straight-up Wolverine.
- Oh, no, Wolverine
actually has bone claws
coming out of his knuckles,
and then adamantium...
You don't care.
Where is he?
- Come in, come in.
Crowd:
Come on, docs, negotiate!
One, two, three, four.
Nurses need to make some more.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Come on, docs, negotiate.
One, two, three, four...
- Can you believe these nurses?
Asking for more money for the
same job they've done for years?
Who do they think they are, the
cast of "The Big Bang Theory"?
Crowd:
One, two, three, four!
Nurses need to make some more!
Five, six, seven, eight...
- What's that look?
I know that look...
That's the look you gave
when we walked past that Latino
pick-up basketball game.
- Or when I wear
my skinny jeans to work.
- No, no, no, guys!
I was just smiling
because I was thinking
if the strike continues
for long enough,
it's really gonna ruin
the nurses' Christmas.
Good point.
Yes, you'll be eating boiled
boots for Christmas dinner!
- Boo, boo!
- Run!
- Oh, my God!
Stop it!
- Boo!
- I'm sorry.
Boo!
- Hey, Jeremy, this strike is
getting real old, okay?
I got more eggs
on me than in me.
- Please, as the head of the
hospital negotiating committee,
I understand that the true
victims in strikes like these
are always the defenseless rich.
- I'll tell you how we deal
with organized labor
where I come from.
We send their jobs to Malaysia
and watch the town
slowly fade away.
- All right, I assure you
a deal is imminent.
- Well, it better come quick.
Business is bad and Shulman
can't go under.
It's the only job that forgot
to do my background check.
- I'm sorry.
Are we poor poor?
Oh, no, you know what?
This is beyond the pale.
And you know what I blame...
Our unnecessary magazine
subscriptions.
Jody, does an OBGYN office
really need a subscription
to "Guns & Ammo"?
- I believe the right to
bear arms begins at conception!
- I can't.
- Yes, the strike
has affected business,
but we're financially sound.
It's the nurses who are
living on borrowed time,
like the bloody European Union.
Yes, Troy.
- So, about how much longer
is the strike
gonna last, Dr. Reed?
- That's another thing, okay?
I don't need no randos
like Troy here, okay?
I need my Morgans,
my Tamras, my Colettes.
- We present our final offer
to the nurses on Wednesday.
All being well, Thursday,
we're back to work.
- Collette's birthday
is Tuesday.
And since the strike's almost
done, could I spend it with her?
This is the longest we've been
apart since I caught her
from betwixt Mother's thighs.
- Absolutely not.
This is our most delicate hour.
We must remain strong!
It's hard for us all
without the nurses here.
Who am I supposed to
gab about "Dance Moms" with
now that Tamra's not around?
- Well, if this is
almost the end,
I just want to thank you all
for the opportunity to...
- Shut up, Troy!
Just shut up!
- Morgan, I've been picketing
for 12 hours,
I'm starving!
You know how easily
I lose weight.
This morning I almost blew away.
- Okay, you know what?
I don't know what to tell you.
Someone decided it
would be a good idea
to use my eating eggs
as throwing eggs.
I guess we could eat
the throwing eggs?
I don't know.
- Look, I know that it's hard.
I had to take a side job
at Dave & Buster's.
Do you know how many drunk guys
play Whac-A-Mole
with their penises?
Too many, but we
gotta keep fighting.
- Yeah, I took a job
as a dog walker.
Do you know how humiliating
it is to do something for money
that you're supposed
to do for love?
- And without Jody
to curl my hair each night,
I'm a monster.
Yesterday someone thought I was
one of the Hemsworth brothers.
- Look, I hear ya,
but with any luck,
we can get an acceptable
offer by Thursday
and we can go back to work with
the dignity that we deserve.
- Guys, it's all about dignity.
It's all we have left.
Oh, God, my toenail fell off.
Both: Eww!
- Tam, can you
help me get it out?
- No!
- You're warriors, we're
fighting, we're gonna kill 'em!
Not literally.
Whew.
- Morgan, why do you
have a picture
of Dr. Lahiri
on your fridge?
- I have a picture of her
in every room in my house, Doc.
Why wouldn't I?
- Oh.
- Amazing doctor,
my mentor, my best friend.
Wait.
Why do you ask?
- What?
Uh... no reason.
I just saw the picture,
thought it was kind of weird.
- You think that's
a weird picture?
I have one of her under
a fluorescent light
that will chill you to the core.
It's next to my bed,
come here, two seconds.
Uh, next time.
Gotta head to my shift
at Dave & Buster's.
- Oh, can you
get me a job there?
I'm a felon.
- No time.
- Got you.
- Take care.
- Dr. Reed!
- Oh, uh, yeah, Beverly!
Thank God!
I-I-I found that cigarette
of drugs
and I didn't know
what to do with it.
- You're getting high?
You're cool?
I thought you were a loser.
- I'm not cool!
I'm freaking out, man!
These negotiations
are killing me!
I've got no nurses,
I've got thrice the workload.
Do you think I enjoy going down
to Little Colorado to buy that?
- Oh, God!
- Okay.
- Hey, why does it smell like
Rishi's apartment
when he watches "Planet Earth"?
- That's just our fearless
leader smoking cannabis.
Can't say I'm surprised,
what with a Clinton headed
for the White House.
- Well, I'm sorry,
but it's either that
or completely give in to my
stress-related alopecia.
I'm becoming
Mr. Potato Head as it is.
- Ah! Oh, my God!
- I'm sick.
Plus I've been having
chest pains.
- Sure, the strike
has been hard on all of us.
Without the nurses,
I have to pour my own bourbon.
My hand's not steady enough
for that.
But you told us,
"Stay united."
- Yeah, but I didn't
realize the nurses
would be even more united.
Ugh, I thought I was
Maggie Thatcher in her prime,
but I'm more like Quintin Hogg.
Quintin Hogg is...
- Okay, we know who
Quintin Hogg is, okay?
The Lord Chancellor
under Margaret Thatcher.
We all went to your
stupid one-man show.
You gotta pull it together, man.
- You're right, Mindy,
as long as the nurses remain
ignorant of our situation,
we have the upper hand.
We must remain vigilant
in our separation!
Oh, God!
- Well, we should
probably go now.
Hello, yes, what sort
of women's golf themed
birthday cakes do you have?
Well, that sounds perfect!
But don't mention my name.
The cake should say,
"Happy birthday, Colette,
love, your anonymous brother."
Hold, please.
- Hey, who were you
on the phone with?
Can you talk?
- No one...
I was, well, it's a bakery,
birthday cake bakery.
They make other things too,
but they specialize
in birthday cakes for men.
- Okay, you know what,
it doesn't matter.
I need you to cover a patient.
I have to go home early.
My nanny called.
She said that Leo
has a raisin stuck up his nose.
This is why I like
a fruit-free home.
- We're all busy
with the nurses gone.
Can't you just text the nanny
and ask her to remove it?
- I gotta go...
meet my nanny and no one else.
Thank you, Jody, bye.
- Okay.
I apologize for the wait.
Hello?
- Thanks, Bridget.
Good night, Leo.
- Good night, buddy.
So, I don't understand,
you're a doctor.
If you knew this raisin
was stuck up his nose,
why didn't you just
take it out yourself?
- I can't.
My fingers are huge...
Look at them.
They can't fit up nostrils,
they're like bratwursts.
- You know, I'm starting
to think these house calls
aren't for Leo.
They're for you.
- Huh?
Oh, please!
You think I need a man
to come into my house
and do things for me?
I have Leo.
He kills spiders for me.
He thinks they're delicious.
- No, that's not what I mean.
- What?
- You like me.
- Ex-squeeze me?
- You keep inviting me over here
because you're attracted to me.
- Attracted to you?
I'm sorry, sir,
you're a nurse, I am a doctor.
We do not exist
in the same realm, okay?
You're like a chimney sweep
and I'm like
Mary Poppins' hot OBGYN.
- Okay, princess, so if
I was to kiss you right now,
you'd hate that.
- If you were to kiss me,
I would be so disgusted
that I would kill myself.
Then I would come back
as a seagull...
I'm Hindu, by the way...
And I would fly
into a jet engine.
- Okay.
♪♪
- I hated that.
I hated that.
- Yeah?
- That sucked.
- Is that why your hands
are still on my butt?
- Oh, God!
Oh, God!
I'm sorry, I...
I just, I lost my balance,
I needed something to hold onto.
- Let me know if you have
any more dry fruit emergencies.
Oh, damn it.
- Whoa, hey,
everyone needs to calm down.
You know what, we are not
allowed to talk to Dr. L,
but I'll tell you this much,
we can walk right by her house.
Look at that,
look at that right there.
That's where she kicked me out.
She said,
"If I ever catch you napping
in my bed again,
I'll kill ya!"
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's Ben.
He's the one who told us
we're not supposed to hang out
with the doctors.
What is he do...
Oh, my God!
They're knocking Crocs!
How are you not impressed
by this?
Meanwhile, you see a squirrel,
you won't shut up.
Whatever, you know what,
why am I even talking to you?
Let's go.
Oh, what a day, am I right?
I got some food.
You know, I'm gonna
pop in right there.
- Where? Right here?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, jeez,
there's not a lot of room.
- Ah, great!
- There's a chair right there.
- Ben, my man,
I got you some chips.
I think you're gonna like 'em
'cause they're from
"Traitor" Joe's.
There you go.
- Thanks, Morgan.
- Colette, I'm so excited
about your birthday party.
Not excited enough to get you
a gift, but still excited.
- Yeah?
Yeah, it's gonna be dope.
- Gonna be so dope.
- Who's all coming, by the way?
Is Ben-adict Arnold coming?
- No, he's dead.
It's just gonna be
my softball team,
girls from the bike shop,
and, of course, my brother.
- What?
No, no, no, no.
That's a really bad idea.
Jody has to come!
He'll be the only person there
who isn't trying
to get me in bed.
- You guys, the doctors'
final offer is in two days.
Until then,
we all need to be like
old white guys
on election day... unified.
- Yep, we all need
to be unified.
In fact, let's make a vow
that none of us start dating
any of the doctors, okay?
I know I won't.
- Morgan, for the last time,
the doctors aren't trying
to date you.
They're trying to study you.
- Can I have a word with you
outside, please, in that room?
- Only if you give me a chip.
- Please come with me.
- Give me a chip.
- Fine, fine!
- Give me a chip.
- You take the bowl!
Close the door behind you.
Okay, all right, okay.
Just invite Jody to your
party, man, all right?
He can help me tie my tie.
I can't do it...
I hung myself last time.
- Ben said I can't,
and Ben is basically my coach
and I always do what
coach tells me to do.
- Okay, well, you're coach is
straight-up Frenching on Dr. L.
My boxing coach?
He doesn't have time
for a dalliance!
He should be focusing
on Tokyo 2020.
- No, Ben and Dr. L
are hooking up.
And don't take my word
for it, ask Noodles.
- Yeah, need I
friggin' say more?
- Hi, sir.
I'd like three pepperoni slices
blended into a smoothie.
I'm juicing.
Okay, don't look
at me like that.
It's a perfectly normal
thing to order, okay?
Get to it.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey, could I get a slice
of veggie, please?
- Ugh. Veggie?
Yuck.
Next time you force me
to kiss you
at least you could
have pepperoni breath.
- Oh, it looks like someone's
been thinking about our kiss.
- The kiss was fine, okay?
Mostly because I did
all the work.
Kind of like what I'm doing
now while you guys are out
doing cardio all day.
- You know what?
Picketing is not a party for us.
Our feet are covered
in blisters,
and we gotta be nice to all
these dirty hipsters
who are there to support us.
We'd rather be back at work,
helping our patients.
- Then why don't you
just get over yourselves
and sign the deal tomorrow,
all right?
I need my nurses back.
The office doesn't run the same
without you.
- So you need us.
- I didn't say that!
I don't need them.
What I need to do
is get back to my job,
which is bringing life
into this world.
So, have a nice day
being unemployed.
- Forgot your pizza.
- Thank you. I normally
eat salad, but I'm anemic.
♪♪
- Well, hello, my sweet,
sweet Colette.
Come here.
This isn't a straight bar,
you perv!
Or correct bar,
you brave trans-man.
♪♪
Jody!
But what about the strike?
- Screw the strike,
get over here.
- Oh, thank God!
I'm me again.
- We'll take a birthday photo
and send it to Mother
in the lobotomatorium,
but then I should go.
As a doctor,
I shouldn't be here.
- Oh, Jody, relax.
A doctor going to his sister's
birthday party is nothin'.
Dr. L's smushing on
Nurse Ben.
- What?
She turned me down
so she could be by herself,
and now she's with another?
I'm sorry, Colette,
you're gonna have to feed
yourself cake tonight.
There are matters afoot.
- Ugh!
Ah, Roger, Roger.
Final negotiations
with the nurses tomorrow
and I'm feeling pretty relaxed,
thanks to this
adult coloring book.
Jody!
- Sorry to arrive
unannounced, Jeremy.
I brought you a to-go margarita,
but I drank it out of anger.
- Hold on a second.
Cowboy hat?
Bettie Page handstamp?
You were at Colette's birthday.
I thought I saw you
in the back of some instas.
I assumed it was
maybe Jane Lynch.
- Jane and I were both there,
but I have something far more
scandalous to tell you.
Mindy's been betraying our cause
by consorting with a
pediatric nurse named Ben!
- Whoa, um, Ben?
He's on the nurses'
negotiating committee.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, God,
our ranks are crumbling.
- I know,
it's terrible, isn't it?
Makes what I did seem pretty
forgivable, wouldn't you say?
- Well, she's
gonna tell the nurses
that we're in disarray,
and that I'm a weak leader,
and the negotiations
are tomorrow.
- Yeah, she's really
cooked our goose.
Hey, since we're screwed anyway,
you mind if I go back
to Colette's birthday party?
My heart!
Roger, call 9-1-1
like I taught you.
Jeremy? Jeremy!
- Oh, poor Jeremy.
I feel terrible.
I am really sorry
I gave you a heart attack.
- That's all right.
I kind of knew it was coming
from the moment I met you.
- Okay, guys, look.
I was not fraternizing
with the enemy.
At least, I don't think so.
What's fraternizing?
- Then how do you explain
Morgan seeing a nurse
come out of your apartment?
And don't say he was
from Postmates.
Postmates banned you
for overuse.
- Okay, guys, it's true.
Ben, the nurse, was in my house.
But it was just because there
was something wrong with Leo.
- Okay, so it was professional.
That's not so bad.
- Come on, now, Mindy's never
been professional in her life.
- To that point, I will say
there was some incidental
mouth-on-mouth touching.
- Oh, God, here we go again.
Lube the paddles.
- Come on, come on, come on.
It was just a kiss, okay?
Nothing more.
Largely because my sheets
are disgusting
and I didn't want him
to see them.
I didn't tell him anything.
- Whatever.
One of you is going to
have to replace me on the
hospital negotiation committee.
Okay, who's it gonna be?
- Fine, I'll plead our case.
I'm an excellent negotiator.
I always pick the movie our
family watches on Christmas Day.
"Bridge of Spies,"
no complaints.
- Thank you so much, Jody.
And you really think you can
look your sister in the eye
and reject her demands?
- I think I can be objective
and not give my darling Colette
all that she wants,
all that she deserves.
I can look into that sweet,
cherubic face and deny...
I might have to recuse myself.
- Oh.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
All right, Mindy,
that leaves you.
Do you think you can represent
our cause in the boardroom?
- Oh, no, guys, I am not good
at negotiating, okay?
One time, I bought a date
with myself at a silent auction.
- Right, well,
you're our only choice, okay?
And no negotiation necessary.
The offer is final.
All you have to do
is make sure the nurses
don't leave the room
without signing.
Now, look, if you
think it'll help,
take my Thatcher pearls.
- No need.
Guys, I just have to sit there
and be quiet?
I'm hella good at that.
That's why I'm such a good
Peeping Tom.
Wish me luck.
Whoa.
The room where it happens.
I'm Hamilton as hell.
Where's my genius grant?
Oh, hi, Dr. Ledreau!
- Oh, Mindy, glad you
could join us.
You know, if a woman
is good for anything,
it's wringing every last dollar
out of some hapless sucker.
Am I right or what?
Oh, yeah.
But the deal we're offering the
nurses is fair, though, right?
- Fair?
I hope not.
I didn't pay all these lawyers
to make it fair.
Shh, here they come.
- Oh, I know that guy.
- Look at 'em...
Fish in a barrel.
Blam! Blam! Blam!
- Okay.
- So, you can see,
we've agreed to
a very generous 3% raise
over four years,
and one union parking spot...
at the Brooklyn campus.
Now, that's a good deal.
- It's not,
but I appreciate you trying.
All right, who's got a pen?
- Wait, you're signing it?
- Yeah, we don't have a choice.
We can't afford to keep going.
We've got house payments,
car payments, children.
We owe it to the patients
to get back to work.
They need us more than we need
two weeks paid vacation, so...
congrats.
You win.
It looks like
you got a text, I think.
- Yeah, I'll just...
check it later.
- I don't know, I think
you should check it now.
Son, hurry up and sign!
My girlfriend gets
her bandages off today.
- I'm just double checking
all of the legal jargon.
Oops!
Dropped my pen.
- Look, if your name's too hard,
legally you can
just make an "X."
- You know what?
This deal is terrible.
We're not signing anything,
and we're prepared to wait
as long as we need
to get what we deserve.
- What the hell?
- Hey!
- Mindy, how are you doing?
How were the negotiations?
I hope they went well.
It turns out my surgery
is not covered by insurance.
Apparently, English frailty
is a pre-existing condition.
- Well, you know, I will say
that I think the negotiations
went great.
- Oh, oh, thank God.
- It went great
for the nurses, I meant.
They got everything
they asked for...
Almost everything, I'm not sure.
They kicked me out
for ruining everything.
Let me tuck you right in.
- What are you talking about?
- I didn't follow
your instructions 'cause...
- No.
- I had a crisis of conscience.
- No!
Ah, Mindy, my chest.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God,
I'm having chest pains.
- No, you're being
theatrical, you're fine.
- Mindy, call the doctor.
- Actually, I can't
'cause they're all
really mad at us right now.
But I can get you a nurse,
'cause they love us.
Okay, don't die.
- Mindy!
- I'll be right back.
- Mindy!
- Yay, it's so good
to have a job again.
Unemployed people in Manhattan
just talk about cold brew coffee
and "Mr. Robot" all day,
it's awful.
- Oh, God.
- Hey, I am so excited
to see you,
and I have something for you
that is even better than a gift.
- Oh, errands?
I haven't run an errand
in over a month,
and you need eye-bag concealer.
What's going on?
- My eyes are perfect,
stop, stop, don't guess.
It's a hug.
Like a real hug where my breasts
push against your chest.
Just don't get a boner.
Too late.
- Well, it's official.
Absolutely no good came
from this strike.
All the doctors hate me.
I've been kicked off the
hospital ballroom dancing team.
- Oh, yeah, Dr. Reed,
we just wanted to say we're
sorry you got what you deserve
for fighting our strike.
- Thank you, Tamra,
that means a lot.
- See, Jeremy?
All this time you thought you
were Margaret Thatcher.
Turns out, you were an even
better Prime Minister.
- Oh, uh, Winston Churchill?
- Huh?
Who dat?
No, Hugh Grant,
from "Love Actually."
- Ohh.
- Oh, yeah.
Another great movie, "Taken,"
starring Liam Neeson,
also in "Love Actually."
- Get back to work.
- Back to work.
I love you.
♪♪
- Ben?
What are you doing here?
I know the nurses' deal is good,
but I still don't think you
can afford this neighborhood.
- I came to see you.
- Oh, to thank me
for my selfless act.
Oh, I guess I'm not the rich,
entitled princess
you thought I was.
I'm more like the hooker
with the heart of gold,
and hot bod...
- Will you shut up?
- And great...
- No, I didn't come here
to thank you.
- Then why are you here?
- It turns out I've been
thinking about our kiss.
- A kiss?
Did we kiss?
Oh, I forgot.
- Oh, you forgot?
Well, maybe I should remind you.
♪♪
Pfft. Classic.
Handsome nurse
lands temperamental doctor.
Look at that, Noodles, look.
Look, you little pervert.
See, what you do is licking.
That's a kiss.
Those two are falling in love,
I'm talking to a dog.
Everyone's happy.
All right, come on.
Let's get back to the subway.
♪♪
Thank you.
- So, how did that
happen to Leo?
I couldn't really understand
from your message.
- What?
I thought I was very clear.
I got stuck under my own butt
trying to do yoga,
and Leo tripped when he was
running to get help.
- Yeah, no, you were clear then.
Well, it's just a bump.
Nothing a Popsicle can't fix.
- I love Popsicles.
- Okay.
Hey, look, just one favor.
Don't tell the nurses
I was here.
We can't hang out with
the doctors during the strike,
especially not you.
I mean, no offense, but...
you're not well-liked.
- I ain't well-liked?
Okay, you know what, I have a
solution to your problem, sir.
Why don't the nurses
end the strike
and get your lazy asses
back to work?
- Lazy?
I've just been picketing for
12 hours before I came here.
Look, I don't wanna fight.
It's clear we're on
opposite sides of this.
I think we should be paid
a living wage.
You think that we're Commies
that need to go back to Russia.
Agree to disagree.
Just please don't say anything.
- Yeah, I'll keep your precious
secret, Jason Bourne.
For the record,
it's not such a great look
for me to be hanging out
with a nurse.
People could get mad
at me, all right?
It doesn't matter.
I'm probably never
gonna see you again.
Hey, Leo shoved a nickel
into his ear
and he won't let me take it out.
I need it to get to my gumballs.
- Okay, yeah.
- Come in, come in.
How do I cut his nails
without him freaking out?
He's a straight-up Wolverine.
- Oh, no, Wolverine
actually has bone claws
coming out of his knuckles,
and then adamantium...
You don't care.
Where is he?
- Come in, come in.
Crowd:
Come on, docs, negotiate!
One, two, three, four.
Nurses need to make some more.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Come on, docs, negotiate.
One, two, three, four...
- Can you believe these nurses?
Asking for more money for the
same job they've done for years?
Who do they think they are, the
cast of "The Big Bang Theory"?
Crowd:
One, two, three, four!
Nurses need to make some more!
Five, six, seven, eight...
- What's that look?
I know that look...
That's the look you gave
when we walked past that Latino
pick-up basketball game.
- Or when I wear
my skinny jeans to work.
- No, no, no, guys!
I was just smiling
because I was thinking
if the strike continues
for long enough,
it's really gonna ruin
the nurses' Christmas.
Good point.
Yes, you'll be eating boiled
boots for Christmas dinner!
- Boo, boo!
- Run!
- Oh, my God!
Stop it!
- Boo!
- I'm sorry.
Boo!
- Hey, Jeremy, this strike is
getting real old, okay?
I got more eggs
on me than in me.
- Please, as the head of the
hospital negotiating committee,
I understand that the true
victims in strikes like these
are always the defenseless rich.
- I'll tell you how we deal
with organized labor
where I come from.
We send their jobs to Malaysia
and watch the town
slowly fade away.
- All right, I assure you
a deal is imminent.
- Well, it better come quick.
Business is bad and Shulman
can't go under.
It's the only job that forgot
to do my background check.
- I'm sorry.
Are we poor poor?
Oh, no, you know what?
This is beyond the pale.
And you know what I blame...
Our unnecessary magazine
subscriptions.
Jody, does an OBGYN office
really need a subscription
to "Guns & Ammo"?
- I believe the right to
bear arms begins at conception!
- I can't.
- Yes, the strike
has affected business,
but we're financially sound.
It's the nurses who are
living on borrowed time,
like the bloody European Union.
Yes, Troy.
- So, about how much longer
is the strike
gonna last, Dr. Reed?
- That's another thing, okay?
I don't need no randos
like Troy here, okay?
I need my Morgans,
my Tamras, my Colettes.
- We present our final offer
to the nurses on Wednesday.
All being well, Thursday,
we're back to work.
- Collette's birthday
is Tuesday.
And since the strike's almost
done, could I spend it with her?
This is the longest we've been
apart since I caught her
from betwixt Mother's thighs.
- Absolutely not.
This is our most delicate hour.
We must remain strong!
It's hard for us all
without the nurses here.
Who am I supposed to
gab about "Dance Moms" with
now that Tamra's not around?
- Well, if this is
almost the end,
I just want to thank you all
for the opportunity to...
- Shut up, Troy!
Just shut up!
- Morgan, I've been picketing
for 12 hours,
I'm starving!
You know how easily
I lose weight.
This morning I almost blew away.
- Okay, you know what?
I don't know what to tell you.
Someone decided it
would be a good idea
to use my eating eggs
as throwing eggs.
I guess we could eat
the throwing eggs?
I don't know.
- Look, I know that it's hard.
I had to take a side job
at Dave & Buster's.
Do you know how many drunk guys
play Whac-A-Mole
with their penises?
Too many, but we
gotta keep fighting.
- Yeah, I took a job
as a dog walker.
Do you know how humiliating
it is to do something for money
that you're supposed
to do for love?
- And without Jody
to curl my hair each night,
I'm a monster.
Yesterday someone thought I was
one of the Hemsworth brothers.
- Look, I hear ya,
but with any luck,
we can get an acceptable
offer by Thursday
and we can go back to work with
the dignity that we deserve.
- Guys, it's all about dignity.
It's all we have left.
Oh, God, my toenail fell off.
Both: Eww!
- Tam, can you
help me get it out?
- No!
- You're warriors, we're
fighting, we're gonna kill 'em!
Not literally.
Whew.
- Morgan, why do you
have a picture
of Dr. Lahiri
on your fridge?
- I have a picture of her
in every room in my house, Doc.
Why wouldn't I?
- Oh.
- Amazing doctor,
my mentor, my best friend.
Wait.
Why do you ask?
- What?
Uh... no reason.
I just saw the picture,
thought it was kind of weird.
- You think that's
a weird picture?
I have one of her under
a fluorescent light
that will chill you to the core.
It's next to my bed,
come here, two seconds.
Uh, next time.
Gotta head to my shift
at Dave & Buster's.
- Oh, can you
get me a job there?
I'm a felon.
- No time.
- Got you.
- Take care.
- Dr. Reed!
- Oh, uh, yeah, Beverly!
Thank God!
I-I-I found that cigarette
of drugs
and I didn't know
what to do with it.
- You're getting high?
You're cool?
I thought you were a loser.
- I'm not cool!
I'm freaking out, man!
These negotiations
are killing me!
I've got no nurses,
I've got thrice the workload.
Do you think I enjoy going down
to Little Colorado to buy that?
- Oh, God!
- Okay.
- Hey, why does it smell like
Rishi's apartment
when he watches "Planet Earth"?
- That's just our fearless
leader smoking cannabis.
Can't say I'm surprised,
what with a Clinton headed
for the White House.
- Well, I'm sorry,
but it's either that
or completely give in to my
stress-related alopecia.
I'm becoming
Mr. Potato Head as it is.
- Ah! Oh, my God!
- I'm sick.
Plus I've been having
chest pains.
- Sure, the strike
has been hard on all of us.
Without the nurses,
I have to pour my own bourbon.
My hand's not steady enough
for that.
But you told us,
"Stay united."
- Yeah, but I didn't
realize the nurses
would be even more united.
Ugh, I thought I was
Maggie Thatcher in her prime,
but I'm more like Quintin Hogg.
Quintin Hogg is...
- Okay, we know who
Quintin Hogg is, okay?
The Lord Chancellor
under Margaret Thatcher.
We all went to your
stupid one-man show.
You gotta pull it together, man.
- You're right, Mindy,
as long as the nurses remain
ignorant of our situation,
we have the upper hand.
We must remain vigilant
in our separation!
Oh, God!
- Well, we should
probably go now.
Hello, yes, what sort
of women's golf themed
birthday cakes do you have?
Well, that sounds perfect!
But don't mention my name.
The cake should say,
"Happy birthday, Colette,
love, your anonymous brother."
Hold, please.
- Hey, who were you
on the phone with?
Can you talk?
- No one...
I was, well, it's a bakery,
birthday cake bakery.
They make other things too,
but they specialize
in birthday cakes for men.
- Okay, you know what,
it doesn't matter.
I need you to cover a patient.
I have to go home early.
My nanny called.
She said that Leo
has a raisin stuck up his nose.
This is why I like
a fruit-free home.
- We're all busy
with the nurses gone.
Can't you just text the nanny
and ask her to remove it?
- I gotta go...
meet my nanny and no one else.
Thank you, Jody, bye.
- Okay.
I apologize for the wait.
Hello?
- Thanks, Bridget.
Good night, Leo.
- Good night, buddy.
So, I don't understand,
you're a doctor.
If you knew this raisin
was stuck up his nose,
why didn't you just
take it out yourself?
- I can't.
My fingers are huge...
Look at them.
They can't fit up nostrils,
they're like bratwursts.
- You know, I'm starting
to think these house calls
aren't for Leo.
They're for you.
- Huh?
Oh, please!
You think I need a man
to come into my house
and do things for me?
I have Leo.
He kills spiders for me.
He thinks they're delicious.
- No, that's not what I mean.
- What?
- You like me.
- Ex-squeeze me?
- You keep inviting me over here
because you're attracted to me.
- Attracted to you?
I'm sorry, sir,
you're a nurse, I am a doctor.
We do not exist
in the same realm, okay?
You're like a chimney sweep
and I'm like
Mary Poppins' hot OBGYN.
- Okay, princess, so if
I was to kiss you right now,
you'd hate that.
- If you were to kiss me,
I would be so disgusted
that I would kill myself.
Then I would come back
as a seagull...
I'm Hindu, by the way...
And I would fly
into a jet engine.
- Okay.
♪♪
- I hated that.
I hated that.
- Yeah?
- That sucked.
- Is that why your hands
are still on my butt?
- Oh, God!
Oh, God!
I'm sorry, I...
I just, I lost my balance,
I needed something to hold onto.
- Let me know if you have
any more dry fruit emergencies.
Oh, damn it.
- Whoa, hey,
everyone needs to calm down.
You know what, we are not
allowed to talk to Dr. L,
but I'll tell you this much,
we can walk right by her house.
Look at that,
look at that right there.
That's where she kicked me out.
She said,
"If I ever catch you napping
in my bed again,
I'll kill ya!"
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's Ben.
He's the one who told us
we're not supposed to hang out
with the doctors.
What is he do...
Oh, my God!
They're knocking Crocs!
How are you not impressed
by this?
Meanwhile, you see a squirrel,
you won't shut up.
Whatever, you know what,
why am I even talking to you?
Let's go.
Oh, what a day, am I right?
I got some food.
You know, I'm gonna
pop in right there.
- Where? Right here?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, jeez,
there's not a lot of room.
- Ah, great!
- There's a chair right there.
- Ben, my man,
I got you some chips.
I think you're gonna like 'em
'cause they're from
"Traitor" Joe's.
There you go.
- Thanks, Morgan.
- Colette, I'm so excited
about your birthday party.
Not excited enough to get you
a gift, but still excited.
- Yeah?
Yeah, it's gonna be dope.
- Gonna be so dope.
- Who's all coming, by the way?
Is Ben-adict Arnold coming?
- No, he's dead.
It's just gonna be
my softball team,
girls from the bike shop,
and, of course, my brother.
- What?
No, no, no, no.
That's a really bad idea.
Jody has to come!
He'll be the only person there
who isn't trying
to get me in bed.
- You guys, the doctors'
final offer is in two days.
Until then,
we all need to be like
old white guys
on election day... unified.
- Yep, we all need
to be unified.
In fact, let's make a vow
that none of us start dating
any of the doctors, okay?
I know I won't.
- Morgan, for the last time,
the doctors aren't trying
to date you.
They're trying to study you.
- Can I have a word with you
outside, please, in that room?
- Only if you give me a chip.
- Please come with me.
- Give me a chip.
- Fine, fine!
- Give me a chip.
- You take the bowl!
Close the door behind you.
Okay, all right, okay.
Just invite Jody to your
party, man, all right?
He can help me tie my tie.
I can't do it...
I hung myself last time.
- Ben said I can't,
and Ben is basically my coach
and I always do what
coach tells me to do.
- Okay, well, you're coach is
straight-up Frenching on Dr. L.
My boxing coach?
He doesn't have time
for a dalliance!
He should be focusing
on Tokyo 2020.
- No, Ben and Dr. L
are hooking up.
And don't take my word
for it, ask Noodles.
- Yeah, need I
friggin' say more?
- Hi, sir.
I'd like three pepperoni slices
blended into a smoothie.
I'm juicing.
Okay, don't look
at me like that.
It's a perfectly normal
thing to order, okay?
Get to it.
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey, could I get a slice
of veggie, please?
- Ugh. Veggie?
Yuck.
Next time you force me
to kiss you
at least you could
have pepperoni breath.
- Oh, it looks like someone's
been thinking about our kiss.
- The kiss was fine, okay?
Mostly because I did
all the work.
Kind of like what I'm doing
now while you guys are out
doing cardio all day.
- You know what?
Picketing is not a party for us.
Our feet are covered
in blisters,
and we gotta be nice to all
these dirty hipsters
who are there to support us.
We'd rather be back at work,
helping our patients.
- Then why don't you
just get over yourselves
and sign the deal tomorrow,
all right?
I need my nurses back.
The office doesn't run the same
without you.
- So you need us.
- I didn't say that!
I don't need them.
What I need to do
is get back to my job,
which is bringing life
into this world.
So, have a nice day
being unemployed.
- Forgot your pizza.
- Thank you. I normally
eat salad, but I'm anemic.
♪♪
- Well, hello, my sweet,
sweet Colette.
Come here.
This isn't a straight bar,
you perv!
Or correct bar,
you brave trans-man.
♪♪
Jody!
But what about the strike?
- Screw the strike,
get over here.
- Oh, thank God!
I'm me again.
- We'll take a birthday photo
and send it to Mother
in the lobotomatorium,
but then I should go.
As a doctor,
I shouldn't be here.
- Oh, Jody, relax.
A doctor going to his sister's
birthday party is nothin'.
Dr. L's smushing on
Nurse Ben.
- What?
She turned me down
so she could be by herself,
and now she's with another?
I'm sorry, Colette,
you're gonna have to feed
yourself cake tonight.
There are matters afoot.
- Ugh!
Ah, Roger, Roger.
Final negotiations
with the nurses tomorrow
and I'm feeling pretty relaxed,
thanks to this
adult coloring book.
Jody!
- Sorry to arrive
unannounced, Jeremy.
I brought you a to-go margarita,
but I drank it out of anger.
- Hold on a second.
Cowboy hat?
Bettie Page handstamp?
You were at Colette's birthday.
I thought I saw you
in the back of some instas.
I assumed it was
maybe Jane Lynch.
- Jane and I were both there,
but I have something far more
scandalous to tell you.
Mindy's been betraying our cause
by consorting with a
pediatric nurse named Ben!
- Whoa, um, Ben?
He's on the nurses'
negotiating committee.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, God,
our ranks are crumbling.
- I know,
it's terrible, isn't it?
Makes what I did seem pretty
forgivable, wouldn't you say?
- Well, she's
gonna tell the nurses
that we're in disarray,
and that I'm a weak leader,
and the negotiations
are tomorrow.
- Yeah, she's really
cooked our goose.
Hey, since we're screwed anyway,
you mind if I go back
to Colette's birthday party?
My heart!
Roger, call 9-1-1
like I taught you.
Jeremy? Jeremy!
- Oh, poor Jeremy.
I feel terrible.
I am really sorry
I gave you a heart attack.
- That's all right.
I kind of knew it was coming
from the moment I met you.
- Okay, guys, look.
I was not fraternizing
with the enemy.
At least, I don't think so.
What's fraternizing?
- Then how do you explain
Morgan seeing a nurse
come out of your apartment?
And don't say he was
from Postmates.
Postmates banned you
for overuse.
- Okay, guys, it's true.
Ben, the nurse, was in my house.
But it was just because there
was something wrong with Leo.
- Okay, so it was professional.
That's not so bad.
- Come on, now, Mindy's never
been professional in her life.
- To that point, I will say
there was some incidental
mouth-on-mouth touching.
- Oh, God, here we go again.
Lube the paddles.
- Come on, come on, come on.
It was just a kiss, okay?
Nothing more.
Largely because my sheets
are disgusting
and I didn't want him
to see them.
I didn't tell him anything.
- Whatever.
One of you is going to
have to replace me on the
hospital negotiation committee.
Okay, who's it gonna be?
- Fine, I'll plead our case.
I'm an excellent negotiator.
I always pick the movie our
family watches on Christmas Day.
"Bridge of Spies,"
no complaints.
- Thank you so much, Jody.
And you really think you can
look your sister in the eye
and reject her demands?
- I think I can be objective
and not give my darling Colette
all that she wants,
all that she deserves.
I can look into that sweet,
cherubic face and deny...
I might have to recuse myself.
- Oh.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
All right, Mindy,
that leaves you.
Do you think you can represent
our cause in the boardroom?
- Oh, no, guys, I am not good
at negotiating, okay?
One time, I bought a date
with myself at a silent auction.
- Right, well,
you're our only choice, okay?
And no negotiation necessary.
The offer is final.
All you have to do
is make sure the nurses
don't leave the room
without signing.
Now, look, if you
think it'll help,
take my Thatcher pearls.
- No need.
Guys, I just have to sit there
and be quiet?
I'm hella good at that.
That's why I'm such a good
Peeping Tom.
Wish me luck.
Whoa.
The room where it happens.
I'm Hamilton as hell.
Where's my genius grant?
Oh, hi, Dr. Ledreau!
- Oh, Mindy, glad you
could join us.
You know, if a woman
is good for anything,
it's wringing every last dollar
out of some hapless sucker.
Am I right or what?
Oh, yeah.
But the deal we're offering the
nurses is fair, though, right?
- Fair?
I hope not.
I didn't pay all these lawyers
to make it fair.
Shh, here they come.
- Oh, I know that guy.
- Look at 'em...
Fish in a barrel.
Blam! Blam! Blam!
- Okay.
- So, you can see,
we've agreed to
a very generous 3% raise
over four years,
and one union parking spot...
at the Brooklyn campus.
Now, that's a good deal.
- It's not,
but I appreciate you trying.
All right, who's got a pen?
- Wait, you're signing it?
- Yeah, we don't have a choice.
We can't afford to keep going.
We've got house payments,
car payments, children.
We owe it to the patients
to get back to work.
They need us more than we need
two weeks paid vacation, so...
congrats.
You win.
It looks like
you got a text, I think.
- Yeah, I'll just...
check it later.
- I don't know, I think
you should check it now.
Son, hurry up and sign!
My girlfriend gets
her bandages off today.
- I'm just double checking
all of the legal jargon.
Oops!
Dropped my pen.
- Look, if your name's too hard,
legally you can
just make an "X."
- You know what?
This deal is terrible.
We're not signing anything,
and we're prepared to wait
as long as we need
to get what we deserve.
- What the hell?
- Hey!
- Mindy, how are you doing?
How were the negotiations?
I hope they went well.
It turns out my surgery
is not covered by insurance.
Apparently, English frailty
is a pre-existing condition.
- Well, you know, I will say
that I think the negotiations
went great.
- Oh, oh, thank God.
- It went great
for the nurses, I meant.
They got everything
they asked for...
Almost everything, I'm not sure.
They kicked me out
for ruining everything.
Let me tuck you right in.
- What are you talking about?
- I didn't follow
your instructions 'cause...
- No.
- I had a crisis of conscience.
- No!
Ah, Mindy, my chest.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God,
I'm having chest pains.
- No, you're being
theatrical, you're fine.
- Mindy, call the doctor.
- Actually, I can't
'cause they're all
really mad at us right now.
But I can get you a nurse,
'cause they love us.
Okay, don't die.
- Mindy!
- I'll be right back.
- Mindy!
- Yay, it's so good
to have a job again.
Unemployed people in Manhattan
just talk about cold brew coffee
and "Mr. Robot" all day,
it's awful.
- Oh, God.
- Hey, I am so excited
to see you,
and I have something for you
that is even better than a gift.
- Oh, errands?
I haven't run an errand
in over a month,
and you need eye-bag concealer.
What's going on?
- My eyes are perfect,
stop, stop, don't guess.
It's a hug.
Like a real hug where my breasts
push against your chest.
Just don't get a boner.
Too late.
- Well, it's official.
Absolutely no good came
from this strike.
All the doctors hate me.
I've been kicked off the
hospital ballroom dancing team.
- Oh, yeah, Dr. Reed,
we just wanted to say we're
sorry you got what you deserve
for fighting our strike.
- Thank you, Tamra,
that means a lot.
- See, Jeremy?
All this time you thought you
were Margaret Thatcher.
Turns out, you were an even
better Prime Minister.
- Oh, uh, Winston Churchill?
- Huh?
Who dat?
No, Hugh Grant,
from "Love Actually."
- Ohh.
- Oh, yeah.
Another great movie, "Taken,"
starring Liam Neeson,
also in "Love Actually."
- Get back to work.
- Back to work.
I love you.
♪♪
- Ben?
What are you doing here?
I know the nurses' deal is good,
but I still don't think you
can afford this neighborhood.
- I came to see you.
- Oh, to thank me
for my selfless act.
Oh, I guess I'm not the rich,
entitled princess
you thought I was.
I'm more like the hooker
with the heart of gold,
and hot bod...
- Will you shut up?
- And great...
- No, I didn't come here
to thank you.
- Then why are you here?
- It turns out I've been
thinking about our kiss.
- A kiss?
Did we kiss?
Oh, I forgot.
- Oh, you forgot?
Well, maybe I should remind you.
♪♪
Pfft. Classic.
Handsome nurse
lands temperamental doctor.
Look at that, Noodles, look.
Look, you little pervert.
See, what you do is licking.
That's a kiss.
Those two are falling in love,
I'm talking to a dog.
Everyone's happy.
All right, come on.
Let's get back to the subway.
♪♪