The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 2 - Nurses' Strike - full transcript
While Mindy struggles to take care of a sick Leo, Shulman and Associates is rocked by a nurses' strike led by Ben, a handsome male nurse. Meanwhile, Jody tries to sell the upstairs apartment and Brendan Deslaurier comes to Mindy s...
- Hey, Leo? I don't have any
chocolate chips for pancakes.
Can I put Advil in pancakes?
They are sugarcoated.
Why do I smell cookies?
Am I having a stroke?
You know what? If it smells
this good, bring it on.
Smells like they're
coming from upstairs.
Leo, I'm going up to your room.
Ugh, God.
Ah! Ah!
- Oh, hello, Mindy.
Would you like a cookie?
- Jody, what the hell
is going on here?
Who are all these people?
I am in lingerie.
- I'm having an open house
so I can sell the apartment.
- You're having an open house?
- Mm-hmm.
- But you gave this apartment
to me and Leo as a gift.
I already put it on Airbnb
and scammed some
German tourists.
- I gave you this apartment
as a romantic gesture,
a gesture which you spurned.
No romance, no gesture.
- So if I have sex with you,
then you'll give me
the apartment?
That's fine.
Take your pants off.
Hop up on the piano.
- No, no, no, no.
Everyone, I am not accepting sex
in exchange for this apartment.
I'm sorry
it's come to this, Mindy.
I wanted this apartment to be a
happy home for the three of us.
- You're just gonna turn a poor
single mother out on her ass?
- You're welcome to put in an
offer, just like everybody else.
I can't stop you
from bidding on it; I checked.
- And that is exactly
what I'm gonna do.
And I'm gonna take these
cookies as my breakfast
'cause they look
hella delicious.
I cannot wait till all this
blows up in your face,
'cause when you come at
the king, you better not miss.
If you mess with the bull,
you gotta prepare for the horns.
Ahh!
- Uh, don't worry.
We'll have this door sealed up.
Don't have to worry
about any crazy neighbors.
- A year ago, I would have said
it's impossible for you
to find the money to buy
the apartment upstairs.
You were leasing
a car you forgot about.
- I did not forget
about that car.
I abandoned it,
'cause of tickets.
- But you've become
a very financially responsible
young lady.
- As it turns out,
it's not that hard to save.
- Oh! You know what else
helped a lot?
You started stealing
toilet paper from the hospital.
That saved a lot of scratch,
Melville.
- I can't be seen
buying toilet paper
in the quantities that I need.
- It's horrifying.
- That said,
Manhattan real estate
is very pricy.
You are gonna have to find
another $25,000
for the down payment.
- What?
- What?
- $25,000.
- That is a lot of money.
Okay, I definitely
shouldn't have donated
so much money
to the Trump campaign.
No, that's selfish.
I don't want my son to grow up
in a country
where it's a crime to be white.
Still, where am I gonna find it?
- Maybe I can help.
- Ow!
- I'm sorry.
Let's see what I got
in the ol' wallet here.
- You have no money!
Thank you so much
for seeing Leo, Dr. Maloof.
I'm always so lucky
to get an appointment
with the pediatrician
to the stars.
- Oh, stop it.
Only Kanye and the cover
of "New York Magazine"
call me that.
- Wow.
- Well, I can see that Leo's
had trouble sleeping,
'cause he's got
an ear infection.
But it's nothing serious.
I'll just prescribe
some ear drops.
- Oh, FYI, those drops only work
if you get him to sit still
for a few minutes
after you put them in.
I can show you a trick
if you want.
- Oh, she's a doctor, Nurse Ben.
I'm pretty sure
she can figure it out.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry, I have to run.
Savannah Guthrie's giving me
the Silver Labia Award
for my work on third-world PMS.
She's so sweet.
- And if you're someone who gets
more than two colonics a week,
Duncan and I are
offering 5% off our...
- Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
- Hello, Mindy.
You're looking...
more disheveled
than usual today.
- A hot dog cart tipped over
on me, I'll have you know.
What are you doing here?
Trying to get us
to use mushrooms as tampons?
- He wants to hire a doctor
to shill
for his midwives' practice.
- In the extremely unlikely
event of a complication,
some women prefer to have
a doctor on call.
- Hey, man, just 'cause we're
hot doesn't mean we're dumb.
Working for you would be
so embarrassing,
and this is coming from a person
who chased a Pokémon
into a hot dog cart
a mere 15 minutes ago.
- Oh.
- Told you it was gonna happen.
- If you change your mind,
I'll be upstairs
in my sensory deprivation tank.
So knock hard.
- What the hell, guys?
I'm five minutes late to work
and this is what happens?
- Sit down, sit down.
All right, uh...
- The nurses at the hospital,
we've all been talking,
and we want to join a union.
- Uh... why?
We treat you well.
I mean, I gave you
my old shoes to wear.
- And I love them, Dr. Reed.
I wear them when I want
to dress more feminine.
We're happy working here.
- Yeah, but joining a union
will protect our rights
and it'll make us impossible
to fire, like teachers.
- There's a petition
in Phlebotomy.
You sign it; that way,
we don't have to strike.
I can get health insurance
and get my growth looked at.
- Hard pass!
- Bev, come on.
- You know what?
I'll sign it.
I love signing petitions.
It makes me feel less bad
about never voting.
- You're the best, okay?
Some people didn't think
you were gonna sign it.
They were like, "Ugh, I hate
Dr. L, she's the worst."
"Yeah, she's not gonna sign it.
She stinks."
And I'm like, "She's my friend.
She's gonna sign it."
Love you, girl.
- Hey, Mom!
How's my favorite mom?
- Oh, it's so nice of you
to remember Daddy's birthday.
- Uh... yeah.
Morgan, go to bookstore
and get one of those
Bill O'Reilly
killing someone books
and mail it to my dad.
- On it!
- Hey! Do you remember
when you moved to India
and I paid for you guys
to get that condo there?
Well, you're back,
and I kinda need the money.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's really not a good time.
Rishi needs another semester
at D J school.
He's switching majors from
scratching to general studies,
and Daddy's been buying geodes
on EBay again.
- I would really like to get
that money back.
- Well...
one way for you
to get your money back
is to invest in my new CD of
jazz standards with Sonu twist.
♪ You say Mumbai,
I say Bombay ♪
♪ You say Kolkata,
I say Calcutta ♪
♪ Mumbai, Bombay ♪
- No, bye, Mom.
- Ah, Mindy.
You still want that apartment,
you better put a bid in.
I've got a Chinese billionaire
ready to pay cash
so his useless son
has a place to live
while he interns at Buzzfeed.
- No, no, no,
Jody, you can't sell it.
Okay, I'm gonna buy it.
I just... I don't have
the money right now.
But if worse comes to worst,
I will just sell my toenails
online to some pervert.
- Oh.
- Listen to this.
Dr. Ledreau's nurses
also want to join the union.
I can remember
when nurses knew their places.
Treat the patients well
and be okay
with a little slap and tickle
at the Christmas party.
- What has gotten
into these nurses?
Even my sister wants to join.
- Apparently, there's some kind
of petition going around.
Make sure no one is dumb enough
to sign that thing.
- I do not get
why we're so anti-union, okay?
I love unions!
Can you imagine life
without the the SAG awards?
It's the actors
honoring their own.
- Their demands are outrageous.
- If the nurses want more money
and better healthcare,
where do you think
that's coming from?
- I don't know, fed?
The banks?
The Clinton Foundation
has all that Saudi money.
- The money
comes out of our pockets.
- Exsqueeze me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Us?
- Yeah.
- We're paying for that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I got a lot of expenses, okay?
And I ain't got no sugar daddy
since I turned this guy down.
- Morgan? Colette?
Ah, thank God.
Okay.
- I'm getting my almonds,
and then we can leave.
What are you doing
slumming it up in Phlebotomy?
Oh, my God.
You support us so much
you're signing
the petition twice.
- Oh, wow.
- Yep.
- Wait a minute!
She erasing her name
from the list, Morgan, look.
The tip is up
and the eraser's down.
I've read every "Nancy Drew."
- Dr. L, why are you
un-signing our petition?
- It was very easy
to support you
when I scarified nothing
and nobody cared.
It was like saying
I'd never go to SeaWorld
after that stupid documentary
came out.
I was already banned
for fighting a penguin.
- Wait a minute.
That means none of
the Shulman doctors signed it.
Tell me your support
wasn't just nominal.
- I just...
It's not a good time, guys.
Maybe in a couple years.
- Morgan doesn't have
a couple years,
'cause he's already coughing up
blood into a handkerchief.
- A handkerchief?
I wish.
It's a old pair of underwear.
It's a nominal handkerchief
at best.
- Okay, we get it.
You learned the word "nominal."
- Well, listen,
the strike vote is tonight,
and I know which way I'm voting.
- So do I.
I'll tell you this right now.
Ahh!
- Broke my heart!
- Ahh!
- Broke my heart!
- God!
Your breath sucks!
- We're striking.
And it's not gonna be nominal.
All: Strike! Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike!
- Come on.
All: Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
- I wonder how the strike vote
went last night.
Colette didn't show up
for her bubble bath.
- Well, I'm sure cooler heads
prevailed.
Nurses have always struck me
as a sensible,
yet simple sort.
Nurses: 'Cause doctor greed
has got to go, hey, hey!
Hey! Ho! Ho!
- Hey!
Did they just call me a ho?
Nurses: Ho! Ho!
- Hey, look, doctors!
Everyone boo!
- Guys, you have to know,
I wanted to sign that petition.
It's just now
is not a good time.
And you know,
timing is everything.
- It's just a small raise, it's
just a nominal amount of money.
- Stop saying that word!
- Dr. L, if you really care,
join us in the picket line.
You could use the exercise.
- You know she can't do that,
Tamra.
I mean, though, honestly,
you could use the exercise.
- Hey!
- My brogue!
She spat on my brogue!
- My God!
- Colette, you were raised
better than that!
We only spit on
the Lincoln Memorial.
- Oh, the Lincoln Memorial, wow.
Talk about other amazing
vacations you've been on.
Do you know what I do
on the weekends?
I collect old Russian newspapers
around the neighborhood
and I bring 'em to the dump
and sell 'em.
- That's a sad story.
I don't know
why that's our fault.
You know what,
I'm just gonna say the thing
that everyone's thinking,
which is, if you guys wanted
to make more money,
you should have gone
to medical school.
- Oh ho ho!
- Wow.
- Hey, guys, listen up.
This from Dr. Mindy Lahiri.
You're all a bunch
of fat, ugly losers
with some kind of malfunction
which is why
you're nurses and not doctors.
- I did not say that!
- Direct quote.
- Only you're that.
- All right...
- Just going inside.
- I can't let you through.
I cannot let you...
- Picket all you like.
We don't need you.
We've already lined up
some non-union replacements.
Replacements!
- Welcome to
Shulman & Associates, scabs.
- She means free-spirited
independent nurses.
- Of course.
- Why don't y'all tell us
something about yourselves?
- I was a nurse in an asylum.
Then the asylum burnt down.
Now I'm here.
- I actually had
a month-long vacation planned
before I got this job, so...
- I can't be around tree nuts.
And I'm allergic
to air-conditioning.
- Hmm.
- Hi! I'm Beverly.
- Well, thank you for coming.
- Get out.
Well, Mrs. Hegarty,
I'll actually be the one
doing your blood draw today.
- Uh, but where's Morgan?
He named all my veins.
Harold is his favorite.
- Ha, Harold the vein.
You know, you're actually
in much better hands with me,
'cause I'm a real doctor.
Columbia Medical School,
Princeton University.
Indians are famously smart.
You're gonna be fine.
This is actually the best
goddamn day of your life.
All right, let's get in here.
- Ow. Ow. Ow.
That did not work.
- Yeah, that was a birthmark,
not a vein.
- Ow! That hurt.
- God, I don't know
why this is so hard.
You know, I practiced
on my neighbor's cat last night.
- You're making me nervous.
- Why are you nervous?
I'm the one that's bad at this.
Okay. Ugh.
Right in the vein.
See? Wait.
That might be an artery.
Oh, God, it's a gusher.
Oh, hey, Jeremy.
How's it going with you?
- Not well, actually.
I just almost put a morphine
drip in the wrong patient.
Had to take a little myself
just to calm down.
- But being
our on-call physician
could be very lucrative
for you, Dr. Ledreau.
- What the hell
is going on here?
Oh, my God.
You're preying on the elderly.
Brendan, you are a monster.
- Unbelievable.
- Why are you two
covered in blood?
- We're not covered in blood.
We're splattered in blood.
- Yeah.
- Ah, the nurses' strike.
Wouldn't it be nice to have
a little extra income
during these uncertain times?
- Just get out of here.
- Mm.
- Go back to wherever
you're from.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Nurses: Hey hey! Ho ho!
This doctor greed has got to go.
Hey hey...
- Picketing is boring.
It's just walking
back and forth all day.
It's like modeling
with bad clothes.
- Yo, I'm gonna be honest, guys.
I just...
I miss the level of conversation
I had with the doctors.
I mean, do you guys even read?
- Yeah, do you?
- Honestly, no.
- Mrs. Denton, I'm so sorry.
I must have mixed up the charts.
You're definitely not pregnant!
- Hey, man, this has gotta stop.
Okay, Tamra is the only person
who knows how to work
the coffee machine.
I need caffeine;
I almost fell asleep
in one of my patient's cooches
this morning.
- I'm afraid I have
to agree, Jeremy.
I just had to take
a patient's urine sample.
It was so warm.
- They're so warm.
- Stop!
Do you know why I'm wearing
this string of pearls?
- You're trans.
- You're trans?
- No. No, it's to remind me
to stay strong,
like my idol, Margaret Thatcher,
the Iron Lady.
- Iron Man's wife?
- If Lady Thatcher could
stand up to the coal miners,
so can we.
We need to divide and conquer.
- Well said.
Mindy.
- I think I understand.
Don't waste any more time
trying to explain it to me.
I have zero ides of my own.
Let's just do that.
Okay.
- Hello.
- Hello, Morgan. It's Dr. Reed.
Dr. Reed, the tan...
You know who I am.
I'm the English guy.
Anyway, we were wondering
if you wouldn't mind
joining a couple of us
for lunch to...
He said yes and hung up.
- Ah.
- Thank God.
- Mm.
This halibut is terrible.
- Yeah, we're at
a pancake place, bitch.
Whoa!
- Okay.
- Ahh.
It's Morgan.
- Oh.
- I missed you so much.
- Missed you too.
- Put a picture of you
in the front of my underwear
so no one could see it.
- So, Morgan, thank you
for joining us.
We actually wanted to discuss
an issue of some delicacy.
- Hey, Morgan.
- Oh! There you are!
- Morgan, who is this person?
- This is my friend.
His name is Ben.
He's also a male nurse.
When I told him I was meeting
the doctors for lunch,
he wanted to come by
and check it out.
- Hey, man, I'm so sorry.
This is, like, a private
pancake lunch for friends,
not just a place for a rando
nurse to come get a free lunch.
- I'm not a rando.
I'm a nurse at your
pediatrician's office.
- How old are you?
My pediatrician died
in Boston years ago.
- Not your pediatrician... Leo's.
You see, Morgan, this is
how much we mean to them.
They barely realize we exist.
- Okay.
- That's...
- I gotta tell you, brother,
you're way off.
These are my best friends.
- Thank you. That's nice.
- I mean, why else
would they ask me
to lunch at a Pancake Factory?
- Have they ever asked you
to lunch before?
- Yeah, yeah.
You've asked me to go
get you lunch every day almost.
- I've had lunch,
and you've sat in the room.
- At least five or six times.
Sometimes she'll say,
"I need you out. I can't focus."
But I'll sit right at the door.
- Yeah.
- So, yes,
to answer your question, yes.
- Morgan, I think it's pretty
obvious what's happening here.
They're trying to make
a side deal with your nurses
to break our strike.
They think
you're the weakest link.
- Okay, you know what?
I don't need any...
- Whoa, no!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa.
- I don't need some
uppity nurse with hair gel
coming to my nice pancake lunch,
stirring up trouble.
Come on.
- Or is it the truth?
- Is what Ben says true?
Is it?
- It's true.
- You caved so quickly.
- Morgan, let's go.
- This is unbelievable.
Unbelievable!
Come on.
Come on.
- Oh, my God.
- God!
- Hey, baby. Oh, oh, oh.
- Hey, guys.
Hey, Miss Dr. L.
- Leo's ear infection
is still bothering him.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay, bye.
Hey, sweetheart.
Okay, you know what, I'm gonna
call Dr. Maloof, all right?
- This is Dr. Yasmin Maloof.
I'm either unavailable
or accepting an award
for powerful women right now.
If your child is in need
of immediate assistance,
find your nearest
emergency room.
If you are a celebrity,
use the other number I gave you.
I'll pick up.
- Come on.
Nurses: One, two, three, four!
We won't take it anymore!
Five, six, seven, eight!
Come on, docs, negotiate!
One, two, three, four!
- Oh, it's Dr. Lahiri!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa.
Yeah, I see it.
Move your hand.
Both: Move it!
- Yeah, it is you!
- Hey!
We heard that you tried
to get Morgan to betray us.
Like my sign says,
that's not cool!
- Oh.
Nurses: That's not cool!
- I don't want to look
at your sign right now.
No, don't chant it!
Nurses: That's not cool!
- Stop it! I get it. I get it.
You don't think it's cool.
I'm sorry, Colette.
I'm not here
to fight with you guys.
I'm here 'cause my kid is sick.
- Leo still dealing
with the ear infection?
- Yeah, it got worse.
- Okay, clear the way.
Sick baby coming through.
- Hey, go. Go.
Clear a path.
Clear a path, all you.
But we're still gonna
take your ass down!
Nurses: One, two, three, four!
We won't take this anymore.
Five, six, seven, eight...
- Oh, God.
Don't worry, Leo.
I'm a doctor.
I'll get the VIP treatment.
It's all right. Okay.
Hey, I'm looking for...
Ah! Oh, God!
I'm so sorry.
You just look like
a man who guards a crypt.
- Do I look like
the guy you fired?
- I blame my colleagues
for how that panned out.
- Guess not everyone thought
I was a worthless
bucket of puke.
- Did I say that out loud?
I'm so sorry.
I'm in kind of a bind.
I'm looking for Debbie,
the nurse
who usually works here.
- I don't know no Debbie.
She's probably out
on the picket line.
If you're bleeding out,
there's some gauze going around.
Wait's only about four hours.
- Thank you for nothing, sir.
It's okay, Leo.
It's okay. We're gonna get
a seat, all right?
There's an open seat
right there.
You know, we're just
gonna sit by this wall.
Nurses: We won't take it
anymore!
Five, six, seven, eight...
- Sweetie, I'm sorry
you're so miserable.
I don't like how it smells
in here either.
It'll be okay, all right?
Nurses: One, two, three, four.
We won't take it anymore.
- Hey, Morgan.
- Hey.
- Do you have
Dr. Lahiri's number?
- Yeah, I got all the numbers...
Weight, goal weight,
age, real age.
PH, cholesterol...
What are you looking for?
- Phone?
- Why do you need Dr. Lahiri's
phone number?
- I just want to prank call her
to demoralize her.
- Oh. Good idea.
- Ho.
- Psychological warfare.
Give him the number, Morgan.
- Like the Jerky Boys.
Here you go.
Saw 'em in concert seven times.
- Hello.
- Hey, you stink.
- Ha-ha, yeah!
- Ah.
- Excuse me?
That smell's not coming from me.
- No, don't hang up.
It's Ben.
The nurse.
Leo's nurse?
Did you forget already?
- No, because you can't forget
something you never learned.
- Okay, that's pretty rude.
Look, I want to help Leo.
Meet me in your office.
- Thanks, but you know what?
I'd rather just sit here
in the ER
sitting across from a guy
who has a corn cob
sticking out of his...
Oh, my God, he's dead.
He's dead.
Leo, it's gonna be okay,
all right?
- All right, I tried to tell you
the trick to these ear drops,
but you didn't want
to listen to me.
- I'm sorry. When I'm around
Dr. Maloof, I become terrible.
She's the kind of light-skinned,
frosty, beautiful
minority woman that
I sort of see myself as.
- Okay, so the trick
is to keep Leo still
and lying on his uninfected side
so the medicine has time
to settle into his ear.
- It's not gonna happen, dude.
He is too squirmy.
Yesterday, I tried to put him
in his little sparkly
"Mama's Little Diva" camisole.
He screamed,
kicked me in the tits.
- Relax, all right?
- I'm just telling you!
- It's a lot.
What's his favorite show?
- "Entourage."
- Let's go with "Dora."
Do you have, like,
a tablet or something?
- I do.
- So we lock the screen,
put it at 90 degrees...
- Don't worry, guys.
- We don't know which way to go.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, pretty cool, right?
- He's laying still.
- Why don't you
put the ear drops in?
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- You have to say "math."
- Voilà.
- Ben, wow.
I haven't seen him
this into a TV show
since that "Entourage"
where Turtle
had a three-way
with those skanks in Park City.
You are really good with kids.
You should be a mall Santa,
or, like, real Santa.
- Yeah, I'm a pediatric nurse.
I've told you this
several times.
Actually learned that ear drop
trick with my own daughter.
- Oh, is she a toddler too?
- Nope. She's 13.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
- Damn, dude, you started young.
Most guys in Manhattan don't
have kids till they're,
like, 70, and then they die
before they have to sit
through a boring graduation.
- Guess I'm not like
most guys in Manhattan.
- Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry.
This is just to say thank you.
- No, no, no, no.
I can't take your money.
Also, this is only $3.
And a European Wax Center
punch card.
- That's an accident.
I need that back.
I am hairy like a curse, so...
At least, can I give you money
for a cab ride home?
- Look, I didn't want
to have to tell you this,
but I'm not going home.
I'm a bouncer at Dave & Buster's
to pick up some extra cash
during the strike.
I'm constantly breaking up
fights over Ms. Pac-Man.
But it's in the neighborhood,
so I'll walk.
- Hey, I'm sorry
that you have to take that job.
And I hope
that the strike ends soon.
- It's all right.
Nothing too embarrassing
when it's for your kid, right?
- Hey.
- Yeah.
- This is for you.
It's the money
for the apartment.
- Oh, no, Mindy.
How did you get this money?
Was it the mob?
You already owe them so much.
- I don't want to go into the
details of how I got the money.
I will say a helpful
Dave & Buster's bouncer
gave me some good advice.
He said
when it comes to your kid,
you find a way to get the money,
no matter what.
- Okay, well, that anecdote
didn't make
a whole lot of sense,
but as long as
this check cashes,
I don't give a hoot.
Congrats on your new apartment.
- Thank you.
- Ah, Mindy!
What on earth is this?
Brendan and Duncan Deslaurier
proudly announce
their new on-call physician,
Dr. Mindy Lahiri.
- Oh, no.
Damn, they made those fast.
And I don't love that photo.
- "Dr. Lahiri knows that using
a midwife is just as safe
if not safer than giving birth
with a doctor."
- Mindy, how could you?
That is so embarrassing.
- I know, okay?
But I needed the money.
Besides, it's just
a stupid brochure.
- It's not just a brochure!
Nurses: No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
Nurses: No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
- Oh, no.
Nurses: No peace, no nurses!
- Oh, God.
- Horrible, horrible.
- Defeat is our only hope.
Nurses: No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
- Ah, she spat on me!
chocolate chips for pancakes.
Can I put Advil in pancakes?
They are sugarcoated.
Why do I smell cookies?
Am I having a stroke?
You know what? If it smells
this good, bring it on.
Smells like they're
coming from upstairs.
Leo, I'm going up to your room.
Ugh, God.
Ah! Ah!
- Oh, hello, Mindy.
Would you like a cookie?
- Jody, what the hell
is going on here?
Who are all these people?
I am in lingerie.
- I'm having an open house
so I can sell the apartment.
- You're having an open house?
- Mm-hmm.
- But you gave this apartment
to me and Leo as a gift.
I already put it on Airbnb
and scammed some
German tourists.
- I gave you this apartment
as a romantic gesture,
a gesture which you spurned.
No romance, no gesture.
- So if I have sex with you,
then you'll give me
the apartment?
That's fine.
Take your pants off.
Hop up on the piano.
- No, no, no, no.
Everyone, I am not accepting sex
in exchange for this apartment.
I'm sorry
it's come to this, Mindy.
I wanted this apartment to be a
happy home for the three of us.
- You're just gonna turn a poor
single mother out on her ass?
- You're welcome to put in an
offer, just like everybody else.
I can't stop you
from bidding on it; I checked.
- And that is exactly
what I'm gonna do.
And I'm gonna take these
cookies as my breakfast
'cause they look
hella delicious.
I cannot wait till all this
blows up in your face,
'cause when you come at
the king, you better not miss.
If you mess with the bull,
you gotta prepare for the horns.
Ahh!
- Uh, don't worry.
We'll have this door sealed up.
Don't have to worry
about any crazy neighbors.
- A year ago, I would have said
it's impossible for you
to find the money to buy
the apartment upstairs.
You were leasing
a car you forgot about.
- I did not forget
about that car.
I abandoned it,
'cause of tickets.
- But you've become
a very financially responsible
young lady.
- As it turns out,
it's not that hard to save.
- Oh! You know what else
helped a lot?
You started stealing
toilet paper from the hospital.
That saved a lot of scratch,
Melville.
- I can't be seen
buying toilet paper
in the quantities that I need.
- It's horrifying.
- That said,
Manhattan real estate
is very pricy.
You are gonna have to find
another $25,000
for the down payment.
- What?
- What?
- $25,000.
- That is a lot of money.
Okay, I definitely
shouldn't have donated
so much money
to the Trump campaign.
No, that's selfish.
I don't want my son to grow up
in a country
where it's a crime to be white.
Still, where am I gonna find it?
- Maybe I can help.
- Ow!
- I'm sorry.
Let's see what I got
in the ol' wallet here.
- You have no money!
Thank you so much
for seeing Leo, Dr. Maloof.
I'm always so lucky
to get an appointment
with the pediatrician
to the stars.
- Oh, stop it.
Only Kanye and the cover
of "New York Magazine"
call me that.
- Wow.
- Well, I can see that Leo's
had trouble sleeping,
'cause he's got
an ear infection.
But it's nothing serious.
I'll just prescribe
some ear drops.
- Oh, FYI, those drops only work
if you get him to sit still
for a few minutes
after you put them in.
I can show you a trick
if you want.
- Oh, she's a doctor, Nurse Ben.
I'm pretty sure
she can figure it out.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry, I have to run.
Savannah Guthrie's giving me
the Silver Labia Award
for my work on third-world PMS.
She's so sweet.
- And if you're someone who gets
more than two colonics a week,
Duncan and I are
offering 5% off our...
- Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
- Hello, Mindy.
You're looking...
more disheveled
than usual today.
- A hot dog cart tipped over
on me, I'll have you know.
What are you doing here?
Trying to get us
to use mushrooms as tampons?
- He wants to hire a doctor
to shill
for his midwives' practice.
- In the extremely unlikely
event of a complication,
some women prefer to have
a doctor on call.
- Hey, man, just 'cause we're
hot doesn't mean we're dumb.
Working for you would be
so embarrassing,
and this is coming from a person
who chased a Pokémon
into a hot dog cart
a mere 15 minutes ago.
- Oh.
- Told you it was gonna happen.
- If you change your mind,
I'll be upstairs
in my sensory deprivation tank.
So knock hard.
- What the hell, guys?
I'm five minutes late to work
and this is what happens?
- Sit down, sit down.
All right, uh...
- The nurses at the hospital,
we've all been talking,
and we want to join a union.
- Uh... why?
We treat you well.
I mean, I gave you
my old shoes to wear.
- And I love them, Dr. Reed.
I wear them when I want
to dress more feminine.
We're happy working here.
- Yeah, but joining a union
will protect our rights
and it'll make us impossible
to fire, like teachers.
- There's a petition
in Phlebotomy.
You sign it; that way,
we don't have to strike.
I can get health insurance
and get my growth looked at.
- Hard pass!
- Bev, come on.
- You know what?
I'll sign it.
I love signing petitions.
It makes me feel less bad
about never voting.
- You're the best, okay?
Some people didn't think
you were gonna sign it.
They were like, "Ugh, I hate
Dr. L, she's the worst."
"Yeah, she's not gonna sign it.
She stinks."
And I'm like, "She's my friend.
She's gonna sign it."
Love you, girl.
- Hey, Mom!
How's my favorite mom?
- Oh, it's so nice of you
to remember Daddy's birthday.
- Uh... yeah.
Morgan, go to bookstore
and get one of those
Bill O'Reilly
killing someone books
and mail it to my dad.
- On it!
- Hey! Do you remember
when you moved to India
and I paid for you guys
to get that condo there?
Well, you're back,
and I kinda need the money.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's really not a good time.
Rishi needs another semester
at D J school.
He's switching majors from
scratching to general studies,
and Daddy's been buying geodes
on EBay again.
- I would really like to get
that money back.
- Well...
one way for you
to get your money back
is to invest in my new CD of
jazz standards with Sonu twist.
♪ You say Mumbai,
I say Bombay ♪
♪ You say Kolkata,
I say Calcutta ♪
♪ Mumbai, Bombay ♪
- No, bye, Mom.
- Ah, Mindy.
You still want that apartment,
you better put a bid in.
I've got a Chinese billionaire
ready to pay cash
so his useless son
has a place to live
while he interns at Buzzfeed.
- No, no, no,
Jody, you can't sell it.
Okay, I'm gonna buy it.
I just... I don't have
the money right now.
But if worse comes to worst,
I will just sell my toenails
online to some pervert.
- Oh.
- Listen to this.
Dr. Ledreau's nurses
also want to join the union.
I can remember
when nurses knew their places.
Treat the patients well
and be okay
with a little slap and tickle
at the Christmas party.
- What has gotten
into these nurses?
Even my sister wants to join.
- Apparently, there's some kind
of petition going around.
Make sure no one is dumb enough
to sign that thing.
- I do not get
why we're so anti-union, okay?
I love unions!
Can you imagine life
without the the SAG awards?
It's the actors
honoring their own.
- Their demands are outrageous.
- If the nurses want more money
and better healthcare,
where do you think
that's coming from?
- I don't know, fed?
The banks?
The Clinton Foundation
has all that Saudi money.
- The money
comes out of our pockets.
- Exsqueeze me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Us?
- Yeah.
- We're paying for that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I got a lot of expenses, okay?
And I ain't got no sugar daddy
since I turned this guy down.
- Morgan? Colette?
Ah, thank God.
Okay.
- I'm getting my almonds,
and then we can leave.
What are you doing
slumming it up in Phlebotomy?
Oh, my God.
You support us so much
you're signing
the petition twice.
- Oh, wow.
- Yep.
- Wait a minute!
She erasing her name
from the list, Morgan, look.
The tip is up
and the eraser's down.
I've read every "Nancy Drew."
- Dr. L, why are you
un-signing our petition?
- It was very easy
to support you
when I scarified nothing
and nobody cared.
It was like saying
I'd never go to SeaWorld
after that stupid documentary
came out.
I was already banned
for fighting a penguin.
- Wait a minute.
That means none of
the Shulman doctors signed it.
Tell me your support
wasn't just nominal.
- I just...
It's not a good time, guys.
Maybe in a couple years.
- Morgan doesn't have
a couple years,
'cause he's already coughing up
blood into a handkerchief.
- A handkerchief?
I wish.
It's a old pair of underwear.
It's a nominal handkerchief
at best.
- Okay, we get it.
You learned the word "nominal."
- Well, listen,
the strike vote is tonight,
and I know which way I'm voting.
- So do I.
I'll tell you this right now.
Ahh!
- Broke my heart!
- Ahh!
- Broke my heart!
- God!
Your breath sucks!
- We're striking.
And it's not gonna be nominal.
All: Strike! Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike!
- Come on.
All: Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
- I wonder how the strike vote
went last night.
Colette didn't show up
for her bubble bath.
- Well, I'm sure cooler heads
prevailed.
Nurses have always struck me
as a sensible,
yet simple sort.
Nurses: 'Cause doctor greed
has got to go, hey, hey!
Hey! Ho! Ho!
- Hey!
Did they just call me a ho?
Nurses: Ho! Ho!
- Hey, look, doctors!
Everyone boo!
- Guys, you have to know,
I wanted to sign that petition.
It's just now
is not a good time.
And you know,
timing is everything.
- It's just a small raise, it's
just a nominal amount of money.
- Stop saying that word!
- Dr. L, if you really care,
join us in the picket line.
You could use the exercise.
- You know she can't do that,
Tamra.
I mean, though, honestly,
you could use the exercise.
- Hey!
- My brogue!
She spat on my brogue!
- My God!
- Colette, you were raised
better than that!
We only spit on
the Lincoln Memorial.
- Oh, the Lincoln Memorial, wow.
Talk about other amazing
vacations you've been on.
Do you know what I do
on the weekends?
I collect old Russian newspapers
around the neighborhood
and I bring 'em to the dump
and sell 'em.
- That's a sad story.
I don't know
why that's our fault.
You know what,
I'm just gonna say the thing
that everyone's thinking,
which is, if you guys wanted
to make more money,
you should have gone
to medical school.
- Oh ho ho!
- Wow.
- Hey, guys, listen up.
This from Dr. Mindy Lahiri.
You're all a bunch
of fat, ugly losers
with some kind of malfunction
which is why
you're nurses and not doctors.
- I did not say that!
- Direct quote.
- Only you're that.
- All right...
- Just going inside.
- I can't let you through.
I cannot let you...
- Picket all you like.
We don't need you.
We've already lined up
some non-union replacements.
Replacements!
- Welcome to
Shulman & Associates, scabs.
- She means free-spirited
independent nurses.
- Of course.
- Why don't y'all tell us
something about yourselves?
- I was a nurse in an asylum.
Then the asylum burnt down.
Now I'm here.
- I actually had
a month-long vacation planned
before I got this job, so...
- I can't be around tree nuts.
And I'm allergic
to air-conditioning.
- Hmm.
- Hi! I'm Beverly.
- Well, thank you for coming.
- Get out.
Well, Mrs. Hegarty,
I'll actually be the one
doing your blood draw today.
- Uh, but where's Morgan?
He named all my veins.
Harold is his favorite.
- Ha, Harold the vein.
You know, you're actually
in much better hands with me,
'cause I'm a real doctor.
Columbia Medical School,
Princeton University.
Indians are famously smart.
You're gonna be fine.
This is actually the best
goddamn day of your life.
All right, let's get in here.
- Ow. Ow. Ow.
That did not work.
- Yeah, that was a birthmark,
not a vein.
- Ow! That hurt.
- God, I don't know
why this is so hard.
You know, I practiced
on my neighbor's cat last night.
- You're making me nervous.
- Why are you nervous?
I'm the one that's bad at this.
Okay. Ugh.
Right in the vein.
See? Wait.
That might be an artery.
Oh, God, it's a gusher.
Oh, hey, Jeremy.
How's it going with you?
- Not well, actually.
I just almost put a morphine
drip in the wrong patient.
Had to take a little myself
just to calm down.
- But being
our on-call physician
could be very lucrative
for you, Dr. Ledreau.
- What the hell
is going on here?
Oh, my God.
You're preying on the elderly.
Brendan, you are a monster.
- Unbelievable.
- Why are you two
covered in blood?
- We're not covered in blood.
We're splattered in blood.
- Yeah.
- Ah, the nurses' strike.
Wouldn't it be nice to have
a little extra income
during these uncertain times?
- Just get out of here.
- Mm.
- Go back to wherever
you're from.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Nurses: Hey hey! Ho ho!
This doctor greed has got to go.
Hey hey...
- Picketing is boring.
It's just walking
back and forth all day.
It's like modeling
with bad clothes.
- Yo, I'm gonna be honest, guys.
I just...
I miss the level of conversation
I had with the doctors.
I mean, do you guys even read?
- Yeah, do you?
- Honestly, no.
- Mrs. Denton, I'm so sorry.
I must have mixed up the charts.
You're definitely not pregnant!
- Hey, man, this has gotta stop.
Okay, Tamra is the only person
who knows how to work
the coffee machine.
I need caffeine;
I almost fell asleep
in one of my patient's cooches
this morning.
- I'm afraid I have
to agree, Jeremy.
I just had to take
a patient's urine sample.
It was so warm.
- They're so warm.
- Stop!
Do you know why I'm wearing
this string of pearls?
- You're trans.
- You're trans?
- No. No, it's to remind me
to stay strong,
like my idol, Margaret Thatcher,
the Iron Lady.
- Iron Man's wife?
- If Lady Thatcher could
stand up to the coal miners,
so can we.
We need to divide and conquer.
- Well said.
Mindy.
- I think I understand.
Don't waste any more time
trying to explain it to me.
I have zero ides of my own.
Let's just do that.
Okay.
- Hello.
- Hello, Morgan. It's Dr. Reed.
Dr. Reed, the tan...
You know who I am.
I'm the English guy.
Anyway, we were wondering
if you wouldn't mind
joining a couple of us
for lunch to...
He said yes and hung up.
- Ah.
- Thank God.
- Mm.
This halibut is terrible.
- Yeah, we're at
a pancake place, bitch.
Whoa!
- Okay.
- Ahh.
It's Morgan.
- Oh.
- I missed you so much.
- Missed you too.
- Put a picture of you
in the front of my underwear
so no one could see it.
- So, Morgan, thank you
for joining us.
We actually wanted to discuss
an issue of some delicacy.
- Hey, Morgan.
- Oh! There you are!
- Morgan, who is this person?
- This is my friend.
His name is Ben.
He's also a male nurse.
When I told him I was meeting
the doctors for lunch,
he wanted to come by
and check it out.
- Hey, man, I'm so sorry.
This is, like, a private
pancake lunch for friends,
not just a place for a rando
nurse to come get a free lunch.
- I'm not a rando.
I'm a nurse at your
pediatrician's office.
- How old are you?
My pediatrician died
in Boston years ago.
- Not your pediatrician... Leo's.
You see, Morgan, this is
how much we mean to them.
They barely realize we exist.
- Okay.
- That's...
- I gotta tell you, brother,
you're way off.
These are my best friends.
- Thank you. That's nice.
- I mean, why else
would they ask me
to lunch at a Pancake Factory?
- Have they ever asked you
to lunch before?
- Yeah, yeah.
You've asked me to go
get you lunch every day almost.
- I've had lunch,
and you've sat in the room.
- At least five or six times.
Sometimes she'll say,
"I need you out. I can't focus."
But I'll sit right at the door.
- Yeah.
- So, yes,
to answer your question, yes.
- Morgan, I think it's pretty
obvious what's happening here.
They're trying to make
a side deal with your nurses
to break our strike.
They think
you're the weakest link.
- Okay, you know what?
I don't need any...
- Whoa, no!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa.
- I don't need some
uppity nurse with hair gel
coming to my nice pancake lunch,
stirring up trouble.
Come on.
- Or is it the truth?
- Is what Ben says true?
Is it?
- It's true.
- You caved so quickly.
- Morgan, let's go.
- This is unbelievable.
Unbelievable!
Come on.
Come on.
- Oh, my God.
- God!
- Hey, baby. Oh, oh, oh.
- Hey, guys.
Hey, Miss Dr. L.
- Leo's ear infection
is still bothering him.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay, bye.
Hey, sweetheart.
Okay, you know what, I'm gonna
call Dr. Maloof, all right?
- This is Dr. Yasmin Maloof.
I'm either unavailable
or accepting an award
for powerful women right now.
If your child is in need
of immediate assistance,
find your nearest
emergency room.
If you are a celebrity,
use the other number I gave you.
I'll pick up.
- Come on.
Nurses: One, two, three, four!
We won't take it anymore!
Five, six, seven, eight!
Come on, docs, negotiate!
One, two, three, four!
- Oh, it's Dr. Lahiri!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa.
Yeah, I see it.
Move your hand.
Both: Move it!
- Yeah, it is you!
- Hey!
We heard that you tried
to get Morgan to betray us.
Like my sign says,
that's not cool!
- Oh.
Nurses: That's not cool!
- I don't want to look
at your sign right now.
No, don't chant it!
Nurses: That's not cool!
- Stop it! I get it. I get it.
You don't think it's cool.
I'm sorry, Colette.
I'm not here
to fight with you guys.
I'm here 'cause my kid is sick.
- Leo still dealing
with the ear infection?
- Yeah, it got worse.
- Okay, clear the way.
Sick baby coming through.
- Hey, go. Go.
Clear a path.
Clear a path, all you.
But we're still gonna
take your ass down!
Nurses: One, two, three, four!
We won't take this anymore.
Five, six, seven, eight...
- Oh, God.
Don't worry, Leo.
I'm a doctor.
I'll get the VIP treatment.
It's all right. Okay.
Hey, I'm looking for...
Ah! Oh, God!
I'm so sorry.
You just look like
a man who guards a crypt.
- Do I look like
the guy you fired?
- I blame my colleagues
for how that panned out.
- Guess not everyone thought
I was a worthless
bucket of puke.
- Did I say that out loud?
I'm so sorry.
I'm in kind of a bind.
I'm looking for Debbie,
the nurse
who usually works here.
- I don't know no Debbie.
She's probably out
on the picket line.
If you're bleeding out,
there's some gauze going around.
Wait's only about four hours.
- Thank you for nothing, sir.
It's okay, Leo.
It's okay. We're gonna get
a seat, all right?
There's an open seat
right there.
You know, we're just
gonna sit by this wall.
Nurses: We won't take it
anymore!
Five, six, seven, eight...
- Sweetie, I'm sorry
you're so miserable.
I don't like how it smells
in here either.
It'll be okay, all right?
Nurses: One, two, three, four.
We won't take it anymore.
- Hey, Morgan.
- Hey.
- Do you have
Dr. Lahiri's number?
- Yeah, I got all the numbers...
Weight, goal weight,
age, real age.
PH, cholesterol...
What are you looking for?
- Phone?
- Why do you need Dr. Lahiri's
phone number?
- I just want to prank call her
to demoralize her.
- Oh. Good idea.
- Ho.
- Psychological warfare.
Give him the number, Morgan.
- Like the Jerky Boys.
Here you go.
Saw 'em in concert seven times.
- Hello.
- Hey, you stink.
- Ha-ha, yeah!
- Ah.
- Excuse me?
That smell's not coming from me.
- No, don't hang up.
It's Ben.
The nurse.
Leo's nurse?
Did you forget already?
- No, because you can't forget
something you never learned.
- Okay, that's pretty rude.
Look, I want to help Leo.
Meet me in your office.
- Thanks, but you know what?
I'd rather just sit here
in the ER
sitting across from a guy
who has a corn cob
sticking out of his...
Oh, my God, he's dead.
He's dead.
Leo, it's gonna be okay,
all right?
- All right, I tried to tell you
the trick to these ear drops,
but you didn't want
to listen to me.
- I'm sorry. When I'm around
Dr. Maloof, I become terrible.
She's the kind of light-skinned,
frosty, beautiful
minority woman that
I sort of see myself as.
- Okay, so the trick
is to keep Leo still
and lying on his uninfected side
so the medicine has time
to settle into his ear.
- It's not gonna happen, dude.
He is too squirmy.
Yesterday, I tried to put him
in his little sparkly
"Mama's Little Diva" camisole.
He screamed,
kicked me in the tits.
- Relax, all right?
- I'm just telling you!
- It's a lot.
What's his favorite show?
- "Entourage."
- Let's go with "Dora."
Do you have, like,
a tablet or something?
- I do.
- So we lock the screen,
put it at 90 degrees...
- Don't worry, guys.
- We don't know which way to go.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, pretty cool, right?
- He's laying still.
- Why don't you
put the ear drops in?
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- You have to say "math."
- Voilà.
- Ben, wow.
I haven't seen him
this into a TV show
since that "Entourage"
where Turtle
had a three-way
with those skanks in Park City.
You are really good with kids.
You should be a mall Santa,
or, like, real Santa.
- Yeah, I'm a pediatric nurse.
I've told you this
several times.
Actually learned that ear drop
trick with my own daughter.
- Oh, is she a toddler too?
- Nope. She's 13.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
- Damn, dude, you started young.
Most guys in Manhattan don't
have kids till they're,
like, 70, and then they die
before they have to sit
through a boring graduation.
- Guess I'm not like
most guys in Manhattan.
- Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry.
This is just to say thank you.
- No, no, no, no.
I can't take your money.
Also, this is only $3.
And a European Wax Center
punch card.
- That's an accident.
I need that back.
I am hairy like a curse, so...
At least, can I give you money
for a cab ride home?
- Look, I didn't want
to have to tell you this,
but I'm not going home.
I'm a bouncer at Dave & Buster's
to pick up some extra cash
during the strike.
I'm constantly breaking up
fights over Ms. Pac-Man.
But it's in the neighborhood,
so I'll walk.
- Hey, I'm sorry
that you have to take that job.
And I hope
that the strike ends soon.
- It's all right.
Nothing too embarrassing
when it's for your kid, right?
- Hey.
- Yeah.
- This is for you.
It's the money
for the apartment.
- Oh, no, Mindy.
How did you get this money?
Was it the mob?
You already owe them so much.
- I don't want to go into the
details of how I got the money.
I will say a helpful
Dave & Buster's bouncer
gave me some good advice.
He said
when it comes to your kid,
you find a way to get the money,
no matter what.
- Okay, well, that anecdote
didn't make
a whole lot of sense,
but as long as
this check cashes,
I don't give a hoot.
Congrats on your new apartment.
- Thank you.
- Ah, Mindy!
What on earth is this?
Brendan and Duncan Deslaurier
proudly announce
their new on-call physician,
Dr. Mindy Lahiri.
- Oh, no.
Damn, they made those fast.
And I don't love that photo.
- "Dr. Lahiri knows that using
a midwife is just as safe
if not safer than giving birth
with a doctor."
- Mindy, how could you?
That is so embarrassing.
- I know, okay?
But I needed the money.
Besides, it's just
a stupid brochure.
- It's not just a brochure!
Nurses: No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
Nurses: No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
- Oh, no.
Nurses: No peace, no nurses!
- Oh, God.
- Horrible, horrible.
- Defeat is our only hope.
Nurses: No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
No peace, no nurses!
- Ah, she spat on me!