The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 9 - Jody Kimball-Kinney Is My Husband - full transcript

You know, I thought 500
bucks for four sessions

was kind of a rip-off,

but I think this music class
is really helping my son

get his foot in the door
of the music industry.

Now, don't be afraid to
share your instruments,

little buddies.

In music, networking is
just as important as talent.

I see it as an investment.

This is a great extra-curricular

for Gratitude's
preschool applications.

Where's Leo applying?



Preschool? Look at him.

He's just a little
blob with eyes.

You mean you haven't started

the preschool
application process yet?

Dana and I started
looking at schools

before the pregnancy test
even came back positive

for little Sriracha.

Why would I spend
money on private school

when public school is free?

I mean, why else am
I sometimes paying my taxes?

Public school.

Is Leo's father a politician
trying to seem less white?

Okay, you know what?

I went to public school
and I turned out amazing.



It's also where I learned
how to throw a knife.

Yeah, public school is fine.

- It's fine.
- Hm.

I want the best for
little Gratitude.

That's why we're applying to

Little Doorways Academy
for Ethical Children.

Little Doorways? Wut dat?

Well, for one thing,
it's the only preschool in Manhattan

that offers study abroad.

And it's
the hardest to get into.

Let's just say the waitlist
is Jay-Z's hundredth problem.

Whoa, I love exclusive things.

It's probably too late for
Leo to apply this year.

But don't worry.
He's a bright kid.

He'll land on his
feet somewhere.

Damn right he's a bright kid,

and he can get into
that fancy school easy.

Everybody loves Leo.

Doctor Lahiri, Leo needs to go.

He keeps pinching
the other babies' butts.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

He gets that from me.

We're not supposed to
do that in public, okay?

♪ ♪

Tamra. Tamra.

I went to that stupid music
class you recommended,

and it was terrible.

All the moms made me feel bad,

and the teacher
publicly shamed me.

Derek told me you shamed
yourself by not having PayPal.

You wrote him a check
and it took forever.

Guys, all of the moms there
had their kids signed up

for elite preschools
years in advance.

I don't even know what
I'm having for lunch.

Now I'm remembering.

Three cheeseburgers,
extra shred lett.

What does Dr. C think?

Doesn't he want
Leo to go to like,

the Immaculate Academy of
the Sacred Meatball or whatever?

Danny would love him to go to
Catholic school, but no way.

You've heard what those
priests do, right?

- Yeah.
- They take a vow of poverty.

I'm not going to
expose my son to that.

Well, look,
if you do decide on prep school

you'd better make
a move sharp-ish.

I was already at Essex
at two months old.

By Leo's age I was already
singing our school's song,

♪ Cry not for mother,
books are your parents now ♪

Okay, but is private
school that much better

than public school?

I went to public
school and I loved it.

And watching that girl
give birth at prom

is what made me want
to be an obstetrician.

Don't worry, Dr. L.

I went to public school
and I turned out great too.

Oh, by the way,
your 2:00 canceled.

No, no, no... ah.

- What?
- Okay, guys,

I've got to get my son into
Little Doorways no matter what.

There you are. Please tell me
you're free tomorrow evening.

Anne-Marie's visiting
and she wants to take us to dinner.

Whoa, Anne-Marie?

The one you...
respect boundaries with?

Listen, you're going to have
to take her out by yourself.

I've got my bowling
championship tomorrow night.

The Gutter Belles
are in the finals.

I know!

Are you kidding?

Yeah, Ellen Page is doing
a documentary on us.

I better go grease
up my finger-holes.

- Hey, I'm really proud of you.
- Thank you.

Isn't Anne-Marie
your sister-in-law

who you slept with?

You can't have dinner
with her by yourself.

There's not enough
suspenders in the world

to keep those pants up.

Obviously Anne-Marie
cooked up this scheme

so she could have
me all to herself.

She won't be able to
keep her hands off me.

We are like sexual dynamite.

I can't hear about how women are

sexually obsessed
with you anymore.

I just know I cannot
resist this siren.

I need someone to
tie me to the mast

otherwise she will tempt
me and eat me alive.

I need... a girlfriend.

- No.
- Yes.

No. I am tired of being used
to stop sex from happening.

That's why the high
school principal

made me room with the cool
kids on our trip to D.C.

- But I need you.
- Jody, I can't.

One, because I don't want to,

two, because I have to
get my son into preschool.

All right? And some of us
have more important things

on our minds than sex.

Who the hell ordered
a vibrating seat cushion

with Oscar Isaac's face on it?

That's mine,
put it in my office.

Thank you so much.
Yeah, I'll make sure to wire you.

Perfect.

Catch you later, haters.

Someone just bribed
a secretary at Little Doorways

for an interview.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa,
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

Are you quite sure
you're fully prepared,

because these
interviews can be tough.

Yeah, I think I'm pretty
much gonna crush this.

First of all,
I'm a female doctor, like,

straight out of a sexist riddle.

Second of all, I told them
that Danny was a little person,

so they're gonna be touched.
We're golden.

This is New York City, girl.
Everyone's story is impressive.

My doorman used to be
the straight-up president of Greece.

If it helps,
tell him you know me.

Hey, guys, thank you
so much for all of your help,

but I think I'll be fine

because I still have
one card up my sleeve.

The race card.

Wait, what'd you say?

Thank you for granting me
an interview so quickly.

The gods surely must
be smiling on me today.

You know,
I don't recall you having an accent

when we spoke on the phone.

Oh, God,
I didn't even notice it.

That happens sometimes when
you're the child of immigrants.

Well, as you know,
Little Doorways alums

are exceptionally
high achievers.

We've got some Rhodes
scholars and Nobel laureates,

the talent Booker
for Jimmy Fallon.

What? Are you kidding me?

Okay, you know what?
I've heard enough.

When can my son start?

Oh, no, Dr. Lahiri.

You're far from being accepted.

We haven't even met
the child's father yet.

Oh, um, I don't think
you're going to be able to.

He's away for awhile.

"Away for a little
while." I see.

Yet another father
who's too busy

to be involved in his
child's education.

Perhaps you should try
something in Brooklyn.

Oh, no, no, no.
Leo's dad is the over-involved one.

I'm the checked-out parent.

The other day I took home
the wrong kid from daycare.

Please give my son a chance.

Well, you do have another
chance to impress the committee.

We're hosting a prospective
parents' night tomorrow.

I strongly suggest you
bring Leo's father.

But what if he won't
be back in time?

He's across
the country taking care of

a sick relative who he hates.

We have a father who's
currently a prisoner of ISIS

and he's planning
on coming tomorrow.

You know what?

We're definitely both
going to be there.

So really excited.

Hey, cool guy.

I need you to come to
an event with me tomorrow night

and pretend to be Leo's father.

Like a farce?
I love a good farce.

Oh, yeah.

At my university's
production of "Noises Off,"

I played "Man
who passes out programs."

I just need you to pretend
that you're married to me

and help me charm
a very intimidating older woman

into letting my son
into a fancy preschool.

Hold on.
This is for Little Doorways?

Oh, then I can't do it.

That would be infidelity
to my Alma mater,

The Essex School
for Unloved Boys.

I couldn't help but eavesdrop.
I would love to be your date.

I do an amazing Dr. C. Check it.

Bongiorno,
my name is Dr. C.

I hug and I kiss you.
Morgan is my best-a friend.

- Stop, stop.
- Sorry.

That sounds exactly like Danny.

Honestly, you should be
on "Saturday Night Live."

- Thank you.
- But you can't come with me.

You look like a dirt bag
and you smell like medicine?

No, propane. I...

Oh, what about Derek and Lamork?

He's going to
a concert this weekend.

- Damn it.
- Oh, I got someone. Me!

Beverly.

Can't believe I'm asking you this,
but you're my last resort.

Will you accompany me
on a date tomorrow?

Oh, sorry,
I'm not supposed to date

until I reach my tenth step.

Mm, damn it, back to step one.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Jody, do you still
need a fake girlfriend

because I need a fake husband.

Well, well, well,
looking to strike a bargain

with the devil, are we?

Congratulations,
you are now married

to the most handsome
man you've ever seen.

That's untrue.

I saw Bill O'Reilly at
the airport one time.

But, yes, for one night only,
I will be your girlfriend,

and you will be my husband.

- Deal.
- Deal.

I'll be Leo.

- No, you can't come.
- Okay.

Okay, now, please, do not say
anything racist or sexist.

Or anything overly conservative.

Oh, and I told them
that you were part Cherokee.

Interesting fact,
the Kimball family

actually escorted the Cherokee
on the Trail of Tears.

Didn't even ask for payment.

There was a real volunteer
spirit back then.

Okay, listen, listen.

For one night, can you just
pretend that you're not a jerk?

Because honestly,
if you don't talk that much,

people think
that you are handsome

and that you are
maybe even charming.

Just stick to non-controversial
topics like the weather.

It is pretty cold out tonight.

So much for so-called
global warming, eh?

Damn it. This sucks.

What are you doing?

I would never fail to
take my wife's hand

before entering
a social gathering.

Oh, cool.

So as you can see here
at Little Doorways,

every moment of the school
day is expertly curated.

Yesterday,
our students learned glass blowing

before being treated to
a lecture by Elie Wiesel.

Oh, my God, I love Elie Wiesel.

Every night I read Leo her book.

Um, he's a man.

Okay, ladies, ladies.

At this school,
we don't use gendered pronouns

unless we've first issued
a trigger warning to "zheveryone."

Ah, sí, sí.
Es bueno.

- I have a question.
- Oh, God.

I was wondering if any of
the ladies need a husband.

What are you doing here?

- Open house.
- Get out of here.

I just want to say,
my husband and I

were very impressed
with this open house.

In fact,
we think this school's the tits.

Well, yes, we're very proud of
our little school.

We believe that creating
exceptional children

starts with
exceptional facilities.

Excuse me, ma'am,
but I beg to differ.

Growing up a young
child in Georgia,

I never had much in the way
of exceptional facilities.

But I had everything I needed.
A loving mother and father.

So at the end of the day,
I guess I don't care

if my son goes to
Little Doorways.

We so care. He's gone insane.

Because to me,
exceptional children

start with exceptional families.

As long as I'm putting an apple
in his lunch sack every day

and his mama's
reading him a story

from the Good Book every night,

I think little Leon's
going to be just fine.

- Leo.
- Leo.

You know, your wife was
so inarticulate before.

You two seem like
an unlikely pair.

Unlikely?
What, 'cause he's hot and tall?

I'll have you know he is
so old that every night

with me is basically statch.

I'm like,
"Get off," and he's like, "No."

Oh, don't mind my beloved Mindy.

Please consider
that the female hormones

that derange her thoughts

also provide her with
a maternal instinct

that'll bring
a tear to your eye.

Why didn't you have
a speech prepared?

You know, I don't know if it's

the conflict-free
Shiraz talking,

but I am going to
fast-track your application.

Oh, my dear.

I just need to pay a little
home visit, meet Leo.

Are you free tomorrow morning?

Oh, we're free anytime.
Seriously.

I won't show up to work.
I'll quit my job.

That's really not necessary.

I want everyone to follow
me to the art room,

but I have to warn you,

Marina Abramovic
is nude in there.

Ah!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Jody, I am very hard to impress.

I gave The Louvre
one star on Yelp.

But I was really moved by
what you said back there.

I think you're
secretly a good guy.

Good guy? I don't know.
Good ol' boy, sure.

A gentleman, maybe.
Mr. Teen Georgia 1990, absolutely.

No, really. I mean, like,
take this Anne-Marie situation.

Old you would have done
something despicable,

but new you is
trying to be good.

Fine, I'm moral, whatever,

but now I need you to focus
on making a good impression.

Is this what you're wearing?

I look like a hot witch, dude.

The cashier at Barney's said,
quote,

"Hey, it's your money, lady."

She needs to believe
that you're someone

I'd actually be interested in

which is already
a bit of a stretch.

That's a little insulting,
but what does it even matter?

Come on, let's go knock 'em dead,
sweetheart.

So, how'd y'all meet?

Jody has never mentioned you.

Oh, that's not
a very interesting story.

Actually kind of a cute story.

I was leaving the Met Ball
and I was with my girl squad,

Solange Knowles
and George Clooney's hot wife,

and we were accosted by
a drunk man asking for money.

And that man, Jody.

I don't think that's
exactly how it happened.

You poor dear.

It was sad as hell,

and once I helped him curb
his excessive drinking

and lifted him back on his feet,

he helped me
overcome my anorexia.

I know. It's kind of hard to
tell 'cause I'm still so slight,

and then somewhere along
the way we fell in love.

- Didn't we, baby?
- Yep.

Hmm. I never thought Jody
could commit to one woman.

There was a column in
our town paper called

"Who's Jody Bedding?"

When he moved away,
the writer was laid off.

Oh.

Well, that was before I met this
little dollop of brownie mix.

Cupid's arrow's finally
pierced my heart.

And his penis.

Aren't you happy for us,
Anne-Marie?

This is so nice.

It's just a pity Colette
couldn't be here.

I do miss her noogies so.

I wish you'd picked
a night she was free.

Wait, Jody was the one
that scheduled this night?

He was insistent on tonight.

Oh, God, my water and my ice!

Oh! I'm so sorry.

I'm going to go
help him clean up.

Oh.

We'll be right back, Anne-Marie.
I'm so sorry.

Get over there.

That wasn't a cock block.
I was the bait.

I should have known
you were using me

for how hot and sexy I am.

Okay, I used you,
and I'm sorry, but it worked.

Like that time
that I told you only men

could clean the microwave

and you insisted on
doing it yourself.

You son of a bitch.

I thought you had changed,

but you're the same
old depraved pervert.

Look, you owe me for getting
Leo into that fancy school.

Fine. Whatever you say,
boyfriend.

I'm sorry to report
that Mindy's feeling

a little under the weather.
- Oh.

She's going to go home
and have a lie down.

Actually, I'm feeling a lot
better now that I threw up

and I think we should
order some more appetizers.

Oh, no, honey,
you're sick, remember?

Oh, yes, you are burning up.

I'm just... I'm just burning up
with my love for you, my sweet.

What... what's going on here?

Okay, okay. Okay. You got us.

Mindy's not sick.

The truth is,
I broke up with Mindy.

- What?
- Just now in the bathroom?

You did not break up with me.

For the record, if anyone's
breaking up with anyone here,

it's me dumping this
Southern Skeletor.

Besides, he can't break up with
me because Jody gave me herpes.

- Oh. Upstairs kind.
- And the downstairs kind.

Mindy's not my girlfriend.

I just brought her here to
try to make you jealous.

Really? You went through
all this trouble for me?

So who is she? Is she an escort?

Exsqueeze me?

That is the nicest thing anyone
has ever said to me. Thank you.

Mindy, maybe you should go home.

I think you've embarrassed
yourself enough for tonight.

I'll go, but I just want
to say one thing to you.

I saw a different
side of you tonight,

and if that person is real

then you deserve
a real chance at love.

Not just to be someone's
secret side piece.

Okay, excuse me.

Can I just take this with
me because... it's fine,

I'll bring back the basket tomorrow.
Good-bye.

Ooh, should I order
us some more wine?

Look, Jody,
I wanted to get you alone

because I have something
very important to tell you.

You're going to
leave my brother.

Well, I can't help
but feel sorry for him,

but he'll be all right.

He's got his Iraq memories
to keep him company.

I'm never leaving your brother.

We have a life together.
I mean, we just got a pool.

But our rolls in
the hay were so passionate.

I recall once the pigs
actually applauded.

You can't deny what
we had was real.

Sure, I enjoyed it in the past,

but it can never happen again.

Like, a sitcom with
all-white characters.

You're right. That's fine,
that's fine. I understand.

Not like I was in love
with you or anything.

You know, that disturbed
Middle Eastern prostitute

was right.

You deserve love, Jody.
Just not with me.

♪ ♪

Okay, Leo, when the woman from
the admissions office comes,

I need you to look
like a hot nerd.

You know, like Neil deGrasse
Tyson or Olivia Munn.

Leo, are you reading
an entertainment magazine?

Okay, honey, you gotta pretend
that you're not a total bimbo,

okay?

I'll be right there,
Mrs. Guterman.

Hello, and...

Well, good day my lovely wife.

Oh, oh, God.

I made it in time
for our appointment.

Jody, what are you doing here?
Why aren't you with Anne-Marie?

You wined and dined.
Did you not 69?

No. Anne-Marie ended it,

so I engaged in
a same-sex relationship

with one Mr. Jack Daniels.

I hate that you put it that way.

Speaking of which,
did you know if you spend the night

in Central Park,
you're considered a gay cruiser?

Hmm.

I thought I just met some
very friendly New Yorker fellow.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
You cannot sit...

I don't have time
for this right now.

Okay, the admissions director
is going to be here any second

and I have to learn
all of current events.

Like, did you know
that Bill Clinton's wife

is running for president?
I didn't.

The home visit is why I'm here.

I make a promise, I keep it.

When Jody Kimball-Kinney writes,
"See you this summer,"

in your yearbook,
you shall be seen.

That's cool,
but you're gross right now,

and you're so drunk you
could accept a Golden Globe.

You gotta go home.
I'm going to do this by myself.

- She's here.
- Let's do this.

Oh, my heart is broken,
to say nothing of the blue balls.

Okay, take this off.
Just get in here, all right?

Get in here and I will just
tell her that you are sick.

Do not leave this room.

Lord. Don't leave me.
I don't trust myself alone.

What...
what if I take all these pills?

Then you will relieve all
your menstrual cramps,

- because that's Midol.
- God.

Your Southern husband sure
does seem to love the Yankees.

Oh. Those are actually mine.

I'm a real sport-head.
Pfft. Whoa, nothing but net!

And who is this little Italian man?
Is he a marionette?

Oh, that is actually
the man that introduced me

to my husband.

You know,
when somebody introduces you

to the love of your life
if you keep photos of them

all around your house
as an homage...

Yes, but I don't see any
photos of your husband.

I mean, there's not one.

And between the two of you, he's
the more classically photogenic.

Okay, we're both super hot,
but you know,

it's our tradition to not take
photos of ourselves together.

You know, we prefer to
just live family moments.

♪ Moon River,
wider than a mile ♪

I didn't ' realize
your husband was home.

♪ I'm crossing
you in style ♪

Or that he's a countertenor.

Oh, hello, lady from yesterday.

Welcome to our home.

Oh, it's so lovely
to see you again.

I was just asking
Mindy some questions.

That's funny, I was just
thinking of a question myself.

Why?

Oh, God.
Oh, you reek of bourbon.

Oh, I'm not a drinker.

I'm just going to talk to him
in the bathroom for a second.

Come on, sweetheart.

Oh.

You need to chill out.
You are out of control.

- That's so cold.
- What was that, huh?

I'm drowning. Okay. Okay.

Repeat after me.
I do not love Anne-Marie.

I don't love Anne...
love Anne Marie.

Wrong answer.

Anne-Marie, I love you.

All right. Hey, man,
you gotta pull it together.

I met Anne-Marie.
She's not even that great.

Her boobs are too big.

She could have back
problems later in life.

Just always looked
up to my brother.

I practically wanted to be him,

and he had this perfect,
gorgeous wife

and I just...

Wait, wait, is the only reason
that you like Anne-Marie

because she's married
to your brother?

Of course not.
We are soul mates.

I think the jewelry
she makes is very interesting.

Oh, my God.
You're in love with the idea of her.

And the fact
that you can't have her

just makes you want her more.

Kind of like you
and that ritzy school?

What? No.

Just because the only
reason I'm doing any of this

is to prove to those rich
moms that I'm as good as them

does not mean that it's just
about me and those rich moms.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's clear what
we both have to do.

Double down on
our impossible dreams.

No, Jody.
We have to do the right thing.

Damn it. Come on.

Hey, Mrs. Guterman.

I'm sorry we wasted your time,

but I don't think
that Little Doorways is for us.

I'm sorry, you're rejecting us?

You must be joking.

Kelly Ripa once offered
me one night of passion

with Mark Consuelos for
a spot in our school.

- Whoa.
- That's an offer I accepted.

Mindy, I would do
that for you if you want.

That's not necessary.

I just... I think I want my son
to go to public school, you know?

I went to public school
and I turned out...

well, not great, but I'm fine.

It's true, she's not
the fanciest schooner in the marina

but she's a good little tugboat.

He... I don't ' like
your metaphors for me.

All right.
Just so you know, I was prepared

to offer you a spot right now.

Truly unique.

Okay, well, out of curiosity,
how much is tuition?

Pre-K starts at 70,000 a year.

- $70,000?
- Mm-hmm.

If I had $70,000 to blow,
I'd have a new face.

Please lave. That's insane.

Well, Leo, I think you might
go to school here one day.

I know it's not Little Doorways,
but it doesn't matter.

I'll be taking you
on so many auditions

you'll barely even be here.

- Hey, lady.
- Yeah?

Give us your extensions
or I'll beat your ass.

My hair's all real!
Don't hurt me!

Run, Leo, you might have
to do Catholic school.