The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Departed - full transcript

Danny, I think I've finally
figured it out.

Sure, being a working mom whose
fiance is 48 states away

certainly has its challenges.

Aw, man.

It's hard being on your own,
balancing work and family

while also finding time to stay

slutty anime
character-level hot.

Sure, I've gotten
the hang of it,

but when I first tried this
move I nicked my leg so bad

I couldn't tell what was blood
and what was pancake syrup.

So basically I'm doing everything
that I need to be doing.



That's great. So, you put your
apartment up for sale!

I have not. I just have
so many memories on that place.

Do you know how many dudes
I've slayed there?

All the more reason
to sell it!

I guess so.

Hey, any news
when you're coming home?

Don't kill me,
but I'm hoping by Christmas.

What?

Christmas? That's three holiday Reese's
Peanut Butter Cup shapes from now!

Can't you make it home
by Turkey-shape?

I know, it's hard for me too.

I changed my ringtone
to "Fat Bottomed Girls"

just to feel closer to you.

What? No.



Okay. Give your weiner
a honk for me.

I will.
Give Leo a kiss for me.

Prices have gone up,
so swab responsibly.

Any other announcements?

I have an announcement.
This meeting sucks.

Peter,
you don't work here anymore.

You're on vacation.

You're free to
leave at any time.

I have an announcement.

I need somebody to fill
in for me tomorrow night

- to meet Gordon.
- Who's Gordon?

I feel like I don't know anybody.
This meeting sucks.

Gordon's in charge of collecting

all the medical waste, and it's
Tamra's turn to wait for him.

Yeah, I've filled in
for Tamra so many times

that Gordon thinks
that we got something going on.

- He gave me a blouse.
- I'm sorry, I have a thing.

Oh, you know what you should do?

You should call an arbitrator.

That's what Danny and I did when
we couldn't decide

on a couple's costume
for Halloween.

We ended up going as Cheech
and Kate Middleton. I remember...

Mindy, we can't have
every conversation pivot to Danny.

You know who always says that?
Danny.

Any announcements not to do with

missing your fiance
in California?

I have an announcement.
This meeting sucks.

Yo, Schmindy?
You ready to rip the town up?

Hey, where's
your mesh party bra?

If you're not gonna wear it,
can I?

Oh, Peter, I can't.

I promised Leo
that I'd watch "Dora" with him.

You can come with.

The promos were ambiguous,

but I think it's about
a grumpy Tortuga.

I've seen that one.

You know, this is my last
weekend in New York, Mindy.

We haven't partied once.

I've just been hanging
out with Jeremy.

He's taken me to The Frick
so many times I don't even

laugh at the name anymore.

I'm going to have
to go around town

and hang up these open house
flyers for my apartment.

I'm selling it.

Wait a minute.
You're not partying

and you're selling
the Poon-tang palace?

- You've changed.
- What? No, I haven't.

Yeah, prove it. I got a new
party drug called Stacey.

- Let's take it.
- Peter, I'm 27 years old

and I have a baby.
I can't do that.

I understand but come on,
let's party.

Okay, okay, we will.
We can go out tomorrow night.

Yes, awesome! I'm sorry!

It just feels like
my head's gonna explode.

But that could be the Stacey.

Hi.

Welcome to the Mercer Street Club.
Can I help you?

Hello, I was hoping to
hang my open house flyer

in your exclusive
members-only club.

You know,
so that a rich-o might see it.

The community bulletin board
is for club members only.

Well, I tried to become a member

but your committee said
that my application was,

"Covered in sauce."

Ah, Mr. Smith. Welcome back.

Hey, Denise. But one more time.
Mr. Smith is my father.

Are you kidding me?
Kevin Smith is a member here?

Holy... Mindy!

Oh, my Lord,
are you a member here too?

You're gonna love it, man.

They got chicken fingers
with eight kinds of sauce,

and the toilet seats are
huge for people like us.

I don't need that.
I'm not... that's not...

Fair enough. Between us.

Okay, I don't know what
he's talking about.

Please,
just let me hang this flyer up.

To be honest, this is something
that my fiance would have

taken care of,
but he's gone now,

and I am just struggling
to keep it together,

so... oh, great,
you called security.

Very classy.
You know what, dude?

My fiance has been
gone for three months,

so if you're gonna
touch my arm like that,

you better do it a lot more,
or way less.

'Cause I am horny as hell.

Listen, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to eavesdrop.

No, I'm so sorry, sir.
She was just leaving.

- Okay.
- No, no, no, no.

I'm James and, um,

actually I'm going through
the same thing you're going through.

Oh. Your wife's gone too?

Yeah, and it's been really,
really hard.

Especially since all I want
to do is talk about her

but nobody seems
to want to listen.

Even my Uber driver asked if
we could just ride in silence.

I know.
It's like, I'm going through this,

and no one understands.

Anyway, what can I do?
He's with his dad now.

You know what? Denise, um,
I'm going to hang her flyer up.

Actually, I was just here to
hang up something of my own.

Thank you, James.

No thank you, Denise.

You know what? If you ever
want to feel black balled,

just try to go to
the Weight Watchers in Tribeca.

They'll turn you away
because you're way too thin.

Well, look what I found.

Tamra's got a music gig
she didn't tell us about.

That's why she was too busy
to take out the medical waste.

Where'd you even find that?

At the CrossFit gym
my ex-girlfriend's

ex-girlfriend owns.

And people say stalking is bad.

Tamra, look.
We'll come and support you.

I had courtside Liberty tickets,

but I can just eat
the two dollars.

- Well, you guys aren't invited.
- What?

And you can tell
Gordon I said...

Whoa.

- Why aren't we invited?
- I mean, look at us.

We have such bad hair but for
completely different reasons.

I guess one of us will just
stay here and deal with Gordon

and the medical waste.

No, it's not right.

She can't tell us where
we can and cannot go.

- Yeah.
- We're going to that show.

- Yeah, we are.
- Mm-hmm.

Can I borrow ten
bucks for a ticket?

Jinx. You owe me a Coke.

Jinx. You owe me two Cokes.

Okay, I don't have
that kind of money.

Peter, thank you
so much for helping me

set up for this open house.

I just don't understand why
you're selling this place.

I mean, you said buying it was

your single biggest
accomplishment

besides touching
your toes that one time.

Oh, well, Danny could never
live in this apartment.

He says
that the gay neighborhood

makes him feel too pretty.

That's real shame.

You know, this was the first
couch I ever made love to.

- What?
- What?

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

Oh, my God, someone's here!

Welcome to a home
as elegant as you are.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- You're James, right?

- Mindy, right?
- Hello.

- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.

- I brought my friend Loretta.
- Hi.

She's in the market
for a new place.

Her townhome reminds her too
much of her late husband.

Well, mostly because he asked
to be buried within its walls.

My God.

This place is so charming.

Well, my friend Peter
will show you around.

No, I'm working on this cookie.

Drop the cookie, loser.
Be helpful for once in your life.

Right this way.

You know, it's such a shame.

Mindy's too young
to suffer such loss.

What, you mean her hair loss?

She was bleaching it
blonde for awhile.

No, I mean having her
fiance die so young.

Who... wha?

- It's pretty wa...
- Excuse me germs.

Can I talk to you for
a second real quick?

Oh, no.

Did Loretta see that guy
masturbating across the street?

Damn it!

Mindy,
Loretta thinks Danny is dead.

- What? How?
- I don't know.

All I told James is
that I was doing this all alone

because Danny was gone
and he's with his father.

Son of a bitch.

Good news, everybody.
Loretta wants the apartment.

This is perfect.
We both need a fresh start, dear.

There has been
a misunderstanding.

I'd like to offer
you 10% over asking.

The apartment is yours.
Do you hear that, Danny? Hallelujah.

Mindy, I'm so glad that you
could sell your apartment

to a fellow widow.

It's nice that there's
some good that can come

from Danny's...
I want to say, his accident.

Oh, yeah.

And Mindy,
I didn't want to seem too forward

when we first met,

but I think you should come to
our bereavement group tonight.

I mean, it's just a safe space
where you can talk about loss.

And we got desserts,
and they're good now

that the gluten-free
widow is remarried.

Amen. And I can bring
the deposit check.

Well, I think that sounds great.
And fun.

And sad, of course.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Mindy.

You're joining a bereavement
group to sell your apartment?

This is worse than when
you pretended to help

in Hurricane Katrina
to get on the cover

of your alumni magazine.

Obviously I did not mean for
this to happen, Peter, okay?

By the way,
when did you become morals police,

- Upskirt King of New Hampshire?
- Hey.

I'll have you know
that those upskirt shots

are the reason I became
a gynecologist.

And this isn't about me.

What are you going to do
when they ask how Danny died?

I will tell them
that he was a stunt double

who died in
a motorcycle accident.

Who would Danny be a stunt
double for? Anna Kendrick?

This is wrong.
You need to fix it.

Fine. I'll go to that meeting
tonight and I'll tell the truth.

And I'll meet you
at a bar afterwards.

How about I go with
you to make sure

- you do the right thing?
- Damn it.

Wasn't really going to do it.

I know,
it was painfully obvious.

Tamra was right.
These people are too cool for us.

No one has complemented
my chili pepper shirt.

- Hey, everybody.
- Whoo!

I'm Tamra Webb, and once again

I'm here to share a shard
of my shattered heart.

Ooh!

♪ You came into my life ♪

♪ But you left me
just as quick ♪

♪ Who knew
your heart was small ♪

♪ Like your tiny
beady eyes ♪

♪ And the gap
between your teeth ♪

♪ Was filled with
little lies ♪

Morgan, does that guy
sound familiar to you?

He sounds like
a real lady-killer.

♪ You once were a blessing ♪

♪ And now you are a curse ♪

♪ Why'd I ever date ♪

♪ A damn male nurse ♪

- Wait. I'm a male nurse.
- Yeah.

- I got a gap in my tooth.
- Mm-hmm.

- I got beady eyes.
- Yep.

Get in there, tell the truth,

and then we need to find a club

that lets in uggos like us.

I'm going it. Give me a second.

- Hi, James.
- Hey, Mindy.

Thanks so much for coming.

Listen, before we get started,

I've got some group business
that I want to go over

very quickly.

Gather around, please, come on.
Gather around.

As you all know, I'm executive
creative director for Nike.

- What?
- What's that now?

And tonight I'll be co-hosting
a party with some NBA players

and the Knicks City
Dancers and I'd be honored

if I could have all
my bereavement group peeps

as my special guests.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're very welcome.

Sure, great.

And it looks like we have
some new faces to meet. Mindy?

I have to confess.

My name is Peter,
and my wife is dead too.

♪ I still smell your
grandmother's house sometimes ♪

♪ When I'm walking
by wet cardboard ♪

She wasn't embarrassed of us.

She was embarrassed
that I'd find out

she's still madly
in love with me.

What do I do, Colette?

Wait until the show is over
and talk privately about it?

Colette. Idiot.

- Tamra.
- Oh, God.

- Tam.
- Morgan.

Excuse me, so sorry.
Tamra. Tamra.

Everyone, I'm Morgan. I'm the damn
male nurse from the song.

Morgan, stop it.
You don't know what you're doing.

No, Tam,
for the first time in my life,

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Oh! Ah, my kneecap!

Oh. Come on. Aah!

Everything's breaking.

Peter, how did your wife pass?

If that's something
you'd like to share.

My wife was a stunt woman,

and she was tragically killed
on set in a motorcycle accident.

Really?

The saddest part
was that the scene

never even made it
in to "The Intern."

Wow. That is amazing.

Now Mindy, do you have
anything you'd like to share?

Nah, I'll pass.

Well, everybody's gone already.

I d... I don't... okay.

Um, my fiance Danny

died...

on Everest.

Oh, on what expedition?

I teach Himalayan
studies at NYU.

Oh, you do?
What a cool coincidence.

Danny actually died
in the movie "Everest"

which they shot in Toronto
for tax rebate reasons, so...

I see.

So both your spouses
died on movie sets?

I guess that's true.
We never talked about that.

I didn't even put
two and two together.

You know, he was a sound guy
and he was holding his boom mic

above Sam Worthington's head

when a giant eagle
flew out of nowhere

and just wrapped his talons
around the microphone.

He would not let go
of that boom mic.

And they say he just disappeared

off into the horizon.

Look, I know that it
sounds implausible,

but he wasn't a very big man.

This is him.

Oh, you must miss him so much.

I do, actually.
I think about him constantly.

Every night when
I walk into my apartment

I think he's going to be there,
but he's not.

It's actually been really
nice talking about it here.

Well, thanks,
Mindy, for sharing.

So Cheryl.

Still carrying around Dwayne's
ashes with you everywhere?

Ho, shit just got real.

What the hell are you doing?

I told you not to come to this.

I know, I know,
but now you're glad that I did

and we're together
again and I just...

Get off me.
Your breath smells like metal.

You just sung about
my breath in "Metal Breath."

I thought it was good.

No, Morgan, It's all fake.

I'm just using
the details of our breakup

to be more relatable.
Like Taylor Swift does.

Poor Taylor Swift.

When I think about what these
creeps have done to her...

See? Taylor Swift's a genius.

She's a rich,
white model and even your poor ass

feels bad for her because
she sings about getting dumped,

and that's what I have to do.

I tried singing about
how I can't gain weight

no matter how much I eat
and I got straight up

hit with a tomato.

You know what? You're right.

Why would a perfect ten like you
be in love with someone like me?

I'm just a nine.
Nine and a half.

I'm sorry to ruin your show.

- Hey, I got some...
- I don't want the water.

It's from the sink.

Hey, it's fine when Taylor
Swift does what you're doing,

because the guys
she dates are monsters

who deserve to be
taken down a peg,

but Morgan,
he doesn't have any pegs.

That's actually
a good idea for a song.

Listen, I'm going to
tell you what you told me

when I sat down on
that couch full of bed bugs.

You better check yourself.

♪ Yeah, hol up, hol up ♪

♪ Hol up, we Dem boyz ♪

♪ Hol up, we Dem boyz ♪

♪ Hol up, hol up, hol up
we makin' noise ♪

♪ Hol up, hol up,
hol up, hol up, hol up ♪

Hey, Mindy, check it out.

These basketball
players are coaching me.

Okay, look.
Just shoot it nice and easy.

Okay. Nice and...

- Oh, no.
- You did your best, Peter.

I bet your wife is just
smiling down on you right now.

Thanks, guys. Come on, Mindy.

They're about to put
me over their head.

Oh, my God. Kate Middleto... ah.

Whoa. He's eating
a sundae with Tiger Woods.

Hey, babe! I'm at this cool party!
Isn't that 100?!

Hey, you feeling okay?

You're missing
a great party out there.

I don't think Danny
would mind you doing

keg stands with Apolo Ohno, huh?

- Apolo Ohno is here?
- Yeah, look at him go.

Oh, he's my favorite
mixed-race celebrity.

God, James, you know
so many cool and famous people.

One time Julianne Moore ran
over me with her skateboard.

Highlight of my 2012.

You know, she and I used
to date back in the day.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Broke up with her
and she bit me.

- I have to tell you something.
- Mm-hmm.

I shouldn't be part of
your bereavement group anymore.

I haven't been totally
honest with you.

- I know.
- You do?

I feel the same way.

Mm, mm, okay.
Okay, okay, no, no, no, no, no.

We cannot do that. No.

Well, look, I mean,
we're allowed to love again.

My fiance is not dead.

- Not dead.
- He's in California.

I made the whole thing up.
Except that he is tiny.

That part is true. I'm so sorry.

- I'm gonna go.
- Wait, I don't under...

- I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no, wait one second.

You lied to us?
Why would you lie?

Oh, oh, wait, wait.

Was this some sob story
so you could sell your apartment?

Yeah, a little bit.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

I'm going to tell
my husband to haunt you.

Have you ever seen
a Hispanic ghost?

- No.
- Well, you're gonna.

Okay, listen. I'm very sorry.

I'm just so lonely and it
was nice to have some people

who actually wanted
to listen to me.

Peter, let's go. The jig is up.

How could she do this to us?
We're grieving.

Are you serious?

I'm as serious
as the motorcycle accident

that claimed my wife's life
on the set of "The Intern."

Okay.

Well, I guess
I'll leave by myself.

One day I think we're
gonna look back on this

and we're gonna laugh.

I have never seen
anything so shameful

and I come from the combined
worlds of corporate finance

and professional sports.

How was the rest of the concert?

You didn't miss much.
I ended up making out

with the headliner,
but then I had to buy her CD.

Sounds like you two had
a delightful evening.

- We did.
- Yeah, I'd love you to show me

- some photos on Facebook.
- Okay.

Oh, hold on a second,
you can't...

because someone stole
all of our computers.

I mean,
if you want to see photos

I have 'em on my phone right...

I don't want to see photos,
Colette!

- Easy.
- Whoa!

Apparently, instead of meeting
Gordon the waste removal guy

here last night,
someone just propped open the door

and left a note saying,
"Gordon, do your thing.

Please lock up,
no one is here to watch you."

Why would Gordon
want our computers?

He already tried to sell me
a trunk full of computers

last week. Oh.

- So, who's gonna fess up?
- I did it, Dr. Reed.

I was supposed to
meet Gordon last night

and I blew it off
for my music gig.

Tamra...

From now on you shall
have to personally escort

all the medical waste
to the toxin barge

in the Gowanus Canal.
And that is my decree.

Hey.

I can help.
I know that canal real well.

I get all my sweatshirts
out of there.

Nah, it's okay. I'll do it.

I've taken advantage of you
and Colette long enough.

Tam, I was wrong last night.

We're both 10s.

Wow, Tamra,
that was a pretty cool thing

to do for a guy you
don't care about at all.

Yeah, it was cool 'cause
I barely think about him

all the time.

Hey, Mindy,
what happened to you last night?

You didn't say good-bye
after I betrayed you.

Were you out partying
for 24 hours straight?

Those basketball players,
they can drink

'cause they're so tall.

Excuse me.

What kind of Sand-o
you got rocking here?

- Don't touch that.
- Too late.

Lauren? What are you doing here?

Hey, my wife.

Hey, here's something weird.

Look what I found
online last night.

Apparently, I'm dead.
There's a scholarship

in my name at Tulane now,
so that's nice.

That is very nice.
That's a positive thing.

- Hi. I love you.
- Hi. Uh-huh.

What happened was...

Mindy was pretending
that Danny was dead

- so she could sell the apartment.
- Oh, Mindy and Danny.

Of course. Well, that figures.

Huh? What figures?

I think what Lauren's
trying to say is that

you guys have, like, a...
chaotic dynamic, you know?

Like a storm,
it sucks everybody in

that's around it...
I'm not helping.

I'm sorry, do you think
that we have a bad relationship?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

I mean, Peter has said that,

but, you know,
lots of people have.

Yeah, please,
they're just jealous

because Danny
and I are Couple of the Year.

On the cover of
"Scientific American"

and "Hustler."

Then where is he?

Peter,
I'm gonna wait downstairs.

Do you really think that Danny
and I have a bad relationship?

- No. Not always. I just...
- Why didn't you tell me that?

- You're my friend!
- I don't know.

I mean...

maybe 'cause you let
him call all the shots,

you moving in to his apartment,

you're selling
your sweet-ass place,

you're raising
your son Catholic,

and then Danny ditches you
and now he's not telling you

- when he's coming back?
- Okay, yes.

When you say it like that,
it's very damning,

but that's only because Danny
is the one in our relationship

- that makes all the decisions.
- Uh-huh.

And then I kind
of abide by them.

Look, I'm in
a relationship with someone

who controls everything
and I like it that way.

I need it that way.

If I wasn't with Lauren,
I'd weigh 300 pounds

and literally
masturbate constantly.

God.

You don't need a babysitter.

You don't need to be
the Peter of your relationship.

Oh, God, Peter,
when did this happen?

I don't know.
I'm sorry to drop truth bombs

on you and then ghost,
but Lauren's waiting.

I picked something up for
you last night at the party.

I saw these
and they reminded me of you.

They are bold, tough,

and totally
inappropriate for work.

Cool.

Don't go back to Texas.

Buddy, I gots to.

Bye. You're gonna be okay.

♪ ♪

Hey, we need to talk.
Right now.

Not a good time.
Can it wait?

No, Danny, it can't.
I'm calling you.

♪ Oh, down beside
that red firelight ♪

♪ Are you gonna let
it all hang out? ♪

♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪

♪ You make the rockin'
world go round ♪

He's home.

♪ Oh,
won't you take me home tonight? ♪

♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪

♪ You make the rockin
world go round ♪