The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Lahiris and the Castellanos - full transcript

Hey. Good morning, beautiful.

Hi, baby.

I got you a present.

Oh, my God. Wow.

- Danny Castellano, good morning.
- Morning.

Oh, my God!
Why did you give me a cockroach?

No, it's not a cockroach,
it's a date.

Oh, fruit! You know I hate fruit!
What's wrong with you?

Okay, stop!

Oh, God,
it's my living nightmare.

Hey. Okay, look look,
that was just my way of saying



I wanna set a date
for our wedding.

Oh.

Yeah, I was doing
my weekly dry fruit run...

[snaps] And it just came to me.

I'm tired of living in sin.

Oh, please,
we're like God's favorite porno.

Well.

Okay, well why now?

Well, when I was
taking care of my dad,

the only thing that got me through
was thinking about you and Leo.

Oh, sweetheart.

- I love you.
- I'm so excited.

Hey, to celebrate our matrimony,
how about a little mattress-mony?

- No, baby.
- What?



- There's no time.
- There's not?

No, we have to find
a wedding location.

[sighs] And it can't be
anywhere in Central Park,

because I fit the description of
that flasher they never caught.

Babe, I'd marry you in a gutter.

Aw. That is the sweetest
and worst thing

that anyone has ever said to me.

Now, go get your checkbook, 'cause
this bitch gon' be expensive.

[hip-hop music]

Hey, guys, I'm so glad
you could join us tonight.

Um, Richie, congratulations,
I have selected you

to be one of
my bridesmaids at our wedding.

Yeah, boy.

That's a little offensive,
don't you think?

If anything,
I should be the Maid of Honor.

It's not like you have
any female friends, Mindy.

- He's right.
- I don't know.

Come on, Richie,
you gotta be a bridesmaid,

'cause Rishi,
we'd like you to be a groomsman.

Oh, no, Mindy,
I am not gonna be a groomsman

at some honky's wedding,
all right?

- Hey!
- Look, I'm the DJ.

[rapping] ♪ Here comes
the bride... ha! ♪

♪ All dressed in cash,
church is going crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all
about that ass ♪

You know what, I apologize.
You need to be doing that.

You know how I do.

Well, Mindy, I took the liberty of...
designing your invitations!

On my computer, of course.

The theme is: Very Religious.

Cool, okay. [clears throat]

"Annette Luiga Castellano
invites you to the union

of her son Daniel Matthew
Mark Luke John Castellano"

Ma, you didn't use all
my confirmation names.

Oh, they wouldn't fit.

Hey, I love this, in theory,
but I actually already finished

designing the invitations
to the wedding.

They're silk.

Ma, what are you doing? Ma.

Okay, you know what, Annette,
we can use your invitation,

but, for God's sakes,
put my name on it, okay?

Really, Mindy?

Yeah. It's fine.
I mean, everyone knows

that the wedding is just
about the dress, anyway.

Exactly! Which is why
I made an appointment for us

at Gretchen's Bridal Pile &
Beeper Store.

Oh wow, Ma,
you're so good at this.

Maybe I should be marrying you.

I always thought you two
would make a great couple.

- Oh...
- We'd be a great couple,

- you and I.
- Meant to be.

[both laughing]

I mean, I'm marrying you, but...

- Eh...
- Yeah!

- Goodnight, Ma!
- Goodnight!

That was great.

Hey, your mom is ruining
this wedding for me,

and it's not fair, Danny.
I'm supposed to be the one

that ruins it for
everybody else.

Okay, just relax.

Just be nice and try
on a couple dresses.

If you don't find one you like,
then go get the one you want.

Oh, really Danny?

I can choose my own
dress for my wedding?

That's so nice,
but your mom's gonna come

on the honeymoon with us, right?

So she can tuck you in at night?

I don't know guys,
it doesn't feel very me.

First of all,
I did not know that the Vatican

even made wedding dresses,

you know, and it was always
my dream, growing up,

to wear a beautiful
wedding dress that made

all the groomsmen
tent their pants.

Have you ever
considered that maybe

- the dress is not the problem?
- Huh?

Well, that's the eighth
one you didn't like.

I guess we should go.
I'm sorry, Mindy.

I just really wanted to
help you find a winner.

I mean, it wasn't unhelpful,
Annette,

I definitely know what I don't
want at all in a million years.

It's just that at
Danny's first wedding,

Christina and her
mom boxed me out.

They threw it at
their fancy country club.

I'm sorry, Annette.
That's not cool.

Thank you, Mindy.

So, that dress is definitely...

I don't know,
maybe I was kind of hasty.

I kinda like it. I'll get it.

- Yes!
- Ohh!

Everyone, I present to you,
my wedding dress.

Oh, yeah! [beat boxing sounds]

- Wow.
- Holy God.

- Whoa.
- You know, I get paid

like a thousand dollars
for this in Japan.

Wow, that looks amazing...
on Tamra.

Okay, I'm going to be her weight
and her height by my wedding.

You know, I actually entered

your sexual history into
an online wedding dress finder.

It said you can just
wear a lawn and leaf bag.

Or totally nude with a nun
chanting "Shame, shame."

Pardon the interruption,
Mindy, but would you mind

working for a few minutes?

- Nah, I'll pass.
- Mm-hm. Just a sec.

Hey, no no no wait,
she's not done...

Now, I support your legal
right to marry Danny.

Jody, you know
that I'm a woman, right?

I'm just concerned
that your wedding planning

has begun to encroach
upon our business venture.

What? Jody, I assure you, I am
100% committed to "Later, Baby."

In fact,
I started us a Periscope account.

Then, I forgot about it,
and 100 people saw me shave my ears.

Well, I'm happy to hear that.

Because I've booked us to
speak at my Alma Mater.

What? That's incredible.

Yes. Southern Legacy University.

John Wilkes Booth School
of Political Creationism.

- We leave Friday.
- Wait, Friday?

Oh, Jody, I can't go.

Oh, yes, you can.
It's an integrated campus.

I mean, it will be,
when you're there.

No... although, that's...
alarming.

The truth is, I haven't exactly
told Danny about our business

or that I even want to
go back to work at all.

We've just been going
through this stuff

Oh, some stuff.
Well, isn't that just dandy?

You know, I never would've
gone into business with you

if I had known that you were such
an air-headed flibbity-jibbit.

A fli... how dare you! Okay, we are
not in business together, sir.

"Later, Baby" is my company,
you just made it

a million times better
with your great ideas.

Yeah, keep walking,
Kimble-Kinney.

Yeah, well it ended
up to be okay.

- Yeah.
- Oh, wow.

Babe, did you get me
these cool new boat shoes?

- No. Oh, my God...
- What?

The only person I know uncool enough
to like those shoes, are you...

all: Surprise!

Oh, my God!

Rishi,
say surprise to your sister.

Yeah, I saw her,
like, yesterday.

- Hi!
- Hello.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, I've come to help
you plan your wedding.

Your prayers have been answered.

And you guys are... you
guys are staying... here?

Oh, if we're in your hair, there
is a hotel at the airport.

Don't worry that we already
brought up our heavy bags.

We can go.

No. Mr. Lahiri,
my home is your home.

No, no, don't do that.

Oh, that's wonderful,
because we took all the clothes

out of your closet and put
them on the fire escape.

I'm gonna chill here too till
my girlfriend's birthday passes,

'cause I'm not trying
to get her a gift.

This is great.
This is like a big sleepover,

all eight of us in
a one-bedroom apartment.

Now, Mindy, while we're in town,
we'd like to

throw a little engagement party

to meet your friends
and Danny's mother.

- Oh, my God, that's great!
- That's great,

but it's absolutely not possible,
'cause Ma is...

she's not here.
She's in... New Jersey.

Oh, that's not far.

No, yeah, no, I meant New Haven.

That's also not too far.

She's dead.

- [gasps]
- Wh... what?

I'm so sorry, Danny.
When did that happen?

I don't know why I said that.
No, she's alive. She can come.

- What?
- He's just making a joke.

Yeah, it's... it's funny.

- That's not funny.
- Yeah, I know.

Okay, can I talk for a second?

- Sure.
- Gimme one second.

- Okay.
- So, I...

Hey, you're acting really weird.

Trust me,
we don't want Ma to come.

What? You love introducing
your mother to people.

I mean,
except me and my parents.

Oh, my God.

Does your mother have
a problem with beautiful people?

No, it's just,
you've been doing such a good job

involving her with the wedding,
but now that your parents are here,

she's gonna feel
threatened, okay?

They went to college, they're
worldly, they flaunt their wealth.

Wealth? What wealth?

My weekly allowance
is still crap.

Look, Ma only likes people
who are exactly the same as her

culturally,
but slightly worse off,

so she can feel comfortable,
but superior.

- Okay. We'll keep them apart.
- Great.

Oh, wow! Sorry, sir.

[sighs] We need to find a hotel

for your parents.
It's too crowded.

I've seen your father's
penis five times already.

Okay, you know what,
I am basically your mother's

on-call, private,
24/7 gynecologist.

I don't need to hear
your issues with parental nudity.

Wait a minute.
Did you remember to tell Ma

that she doesn't need to
take care of Leo this week?

No, I thought you
were gonna do it.

[screaming]

Danny, Mindy,
there are robbers in your house.

- Ma!
- Stop, stop, stop.

What are you doing?
Put down the knife.

It's just Mindy's parents,
they're not robbers.

Oh, my... Mindy's parents!

Ma, no, oh...

- Oh, how nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

Nobody told me you were here,

despite numerous
opportunities to do so.

Well, the good news is
that the introduction was made.

- Yes.
- Everybody's happy, right?

Okay, let's get out of here.
Yeah, well... we're gonna

see you guys later.
Let's go to T.J.

And you're sure you cannot
come to the engagement party?

Engagement party?

What engagement party? Danny?

No. There is no
engagement party...

per se, I mean, it's just for you
guys to go meet the Shulman gang

and just...
I thought you'd be bored.

And you know what you
say about Indian food:

"Eat diarrhea,
get diarrhea." - [gasps] No!

Excuse me, what is that saying?

Oh, it... it's nothing.
It's absolutely nothing.

I would love to
come to the party.

- Oh, wonderful. Wonderful!
- What should I bring?

Nothing. It's all taken care of.

I'm bringing something.

And it will be from both of us.

Okay.

Guys! Guys, gather around, uh...

Look, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...

I need you all to come to
our engagement party tonight.

- Tonight?
- Are you serious?

Guys, we're not kidding.
Danny needs you there.

We need to keep our moms apart.

They both think they're
planning the wedding, so...

Hol... okay, hold on.

No one ever comes
to my lame stuff.

Fine, you don't have to come.

No, I'd really like to.

Well make up
your mind either way,

- you coming or not coming?
- I can't come.

I have an important work commitment
at Southern Legacy University.

I don't break commitments.
I guess I'm just a good guy.

My word means something.

Okay, not a big deal, I don't
know you that well. Whatever.

Oh, Dr. C, Can I bring Neil?

- Neil the dog?
- I'll put a sweater on him.

No, only humans.

What's the dress code?

Nothing you have will work.
You'll have to buy something.

Okay, you can borrow
one of my blazers.

Ugh.

Hey, guys, we're home.

Wow. This looks nice.

It looks like the kind
of place Indiana Jones

would just pop out of a basket.

Sari we're late. Get it?

[both laugh]

The taxi driver
helped me put it on.

I did mine myself.

Wait a minute,
we're not all wearing curtains?

Uh, it's fine.
You look like a gypsy, Ma.

[Indian music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

- 'Sup.
- No.

- Annette, there you are!
- Oh, Sonu.

- [grunting]
- Oh, you guys found each other.

Oh, sorry, you guys are
here together, but Morgan,

didn't you have that story
you wanted to tell Ma?

Yes. About my wound,
which is healed.

But the rash around
it is worse than ever.

It's making, like,
a little bit of a hiss sound.

Can you like take
a look at it real quick?

- No.
- Yeah, Ma...

- Two seconds. Please, please.
- Just a few seconds.

- Come with me, come with me.
- Thank you guys.

Okay. All right.

[Indian music continues]

Excuse me, excuse me.

Mindy!

Hey, Jody.
I didn't know you were gonna come.

Oh my God,
I am so sorry that I had to bail

on our trip to your Alma Mater.

Well, no need to apologize,
because you're coming with me tonight.

N-no...

What do you mean,
I'm coming with you?

Follow me.

Hey, man. No. Jody, I can't go.

I already returned my ticket
and I spent the money

to buy a waist-trainer from
Taiwan that made me barf.

I bought you another ticket.

This trip is essential
to our business,

and this business
is essential to you.

Now, where's your steamer trunk?

You do have a steamer trunk,
do you not?

Hey, Min, your mom's telling
theater stories again,

she...
she wants you to come listen.

What...
why are your clothes out?

Well, the name of the play
is already "Sheer Madness".

So you can only imagine
the level of madness

the night the power
went off in the theater.

Well, they shined
their phones on us so we could

finish the show, which we did,
to a standing ovation.

[cheering] - Oh,
bravo, bravo. Diva.

- Great story, Sah, Great story.
- Jesus, Dot.

But if you liked that one,
get a load of this.

One time, me and Dot,
we went to SeaWorld in the summer.

So, we're thinking, school's out,
everybody's gonna be there,

but it was empty.
In and out in three hours!

[Annette and Dot laugh]

Okay.

They're not liking our story.

Morons.

Oh, Sono.

So, we just booked my cousin
Irma to be the photographer.

She's giving me a discount
because she's got cataract.

Well, no,
there's no need to worry

about pinching pennies,
Annette, because...

I have an announcement to make.

Tarun and I have decided to
pay for the entire wedding!

- What?
- Yes, you're all

- coming to Boston.
- Exsqueeze me?

Why are these clothes out?

My clothes are out because

Jody was gonna do a little
performance for the party.

And he needed to borrow
a dress to do it.

Show him, Jody.
Show him your act.

What?

[imitates a woman's voice] Hello,
my name...

No, no, enough of this.

I will not stand by while
these lies continue.

What the hell's going
on with you two?

Okay, the truth is...

Jody and I were gonna
go on a business trip.

Excuse me?

You guys are in
business together?

Yeah. We've been
traveling to colleges,

telling young women how
to freeze their eggs.

So, in addition to
your regular practice

and your fertility practice,
you have a third job?

What about our family?

Well, it's great for our family.

Making extra money, I'm happy,

and these college girls
are really responding.

I mean, they look at me
like I'm a role model.

Okay, look, I'm back, okay?

And you're not even
supposed to be working.

That was the deal, right?

I know, but I wanted to
talk to you about that.

- I think I should go.
- No. Please stay.

This is a business matter,
and you're my business partner.

- I want you to stay.
- Okay.

I think that there's a...
All right.

Boston? These people aren't
gonna want to go to Boston.

Oh, I do. I love Boston.

They made the racism of
the South seem quaint.

Well, that's not what
Mindy wants, okay?

Sh... we... we bought a dress.
She told me.

She bought a dress?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

She sent me a picture.
Is this the one?

"Mom, isn't this wedding dress
sexy and perfect and it looks

great lying on the floor
ha-ha-ha 'eggplant'."

Wha...

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

When... when I left,
you were excited to stay home

with Leo, right?
- Yes, I was. Kind of.

- Kind of?
- Yes.

Then you left, and I had to
be a mom, and go to work.

And you know what, Danny?
It was the hardest thing

I have ever done in my life.

But I did it, and I loved it
and I wanna keep doing it.

Oh, you...
you wanna keep doing it.

Well, you know,
I realized something too

when I was taking care of my dad.
I thought...

[sighs] My childhood
was terrible

and Richie and I basically,
we had to take care of ourselves,

and I don't want
that for our son.

Don't you want him to
have family around?

All the time, always?

I don't know. My family's been
here for two days, and you've

threatened to throw yourself
out of the window 14 times.

Yeah, because it took
some getting used to,

but I... I need it. I love it.

Oh, you love seeing
my dad's penis?

You know what, I do. I love
seeing every wrinkly inch of it,

because that's life,
that's what family is.

I didn't have that growing up,
and I'd like Leo to have it,

because, you know what?
There's nothing better.

Okay, listen to me.

Leo is going to be fine, all right?
He's amazing.

And Danny, I'm doing a good job.
He is loved.

And honestly,
if that is not enough for you, then,

by all means, why don't you give
up your career and stay at home?

- Ha-ha are you kidding me?
- Are you kidding me?

I don't like to be
bullied like this.

- I'm not bullying you.
- You are bullying me.

We agreed,
and now you're changing your mind?

I can't keep up with you.
You know what?

I don't even recognize
this relationship anymore.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Annette. It's me.

What's that squeaking I hear?

Must be a rat.

Okay, well,
I deserved that hilarious burn,

but, Annette,
I'm sorry about the dress.

Just, it really wasn't me.

Well, you don't have to worry
about what I think anymore

with your godless
Boston wedding.

I'm not getting
married in Boston.

What?

Yeah, that's what my mom wants.

Well, maybe somebody
could've told me that

before I ruined your party.

Please. Two screaming mother-in-laws
does not ruin a party.

In India,
it's rude if you don't fight.

[laughs] Yeah.

You know, Mindy,
I guess it's just that

I've come to think of you
as a daughter, of sorts.

And then when Sonar flits into
town all glamorous and rich,

I wonder how I fit into the picture,
and I go a little crazy.

That's actually kind of
hard for me to understand

because Danny and I are, like,
so reasonable and cool-headed.

Sorry. [Annette laughs]

Hey, wait a minute,
shouldn't you be on a plane?

Wait, you think I should
go on my business trip?

I thought you weren't
voting for Hilary Clinton

because you thought she should
spend more time being a grandma.

Oh, I just say that stuff
because I'm jealous.

You and Hilary are living
the life I never got.

I had to work crappy jobs
to support my family,

but you are working to
make your dreams come true.

And it sucks... for me.

For you, I couldn't be happier.

You know, Annette,
Sonu might be my mom,

but you... you're my Ma.

Really? Wow.

I can't wait to rub
that in her face.

Mm-kay.

Guess what, Princess Jasmine?
Your daughter just called me Ma.

Okay, well,
please don't do that.

That would really get
me in a lot of trouble.

- Morning, Tarun.
- Good morning, Danny.

Hey, did Mindy sleep
out here last night?

No, it appears she went on
her business trip to Georgia.

[sighs] Well, that's great.

That's really
considerate of her.

- Danny?
- Yeah?

Did I ever tell you
that Sonu put her acting career

on hold to raise our family?

And it was the right choice,
right?

I mean,
that's what I keep telling Mindy.

Nope. She's resented
me for 30 years.

Well, she always seems so happy.

Most of the time, yes,

but then, once a week, she screams,
"You ruined my dreams!"

and throws a scalding
teabag at my face.

Danny, giving up
your passions is very hard,

no matter what you
give it up for.

And Mindy is a much better
doctor than Sonu was an actress.

- Ow!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- What did you say?
- Oh, shoot.

[crowd laughing]

So we're suggesting
that this year,

you don't spend spring
break in Myrtle Beach

bringing shame on your families.

Guys, spring break is a joke.

The drinks are crazy expensive,
you make out with a girl

to get into a video,
and then they edit you out.

[laughter]

So, we'd like to propose instead

that you come to New York
and freeze your eggs.

And if you still wanna
bring shame to your family,

you can stay in New York
and take improv classes.

Thanks so much for
coming out, guys.

Thank you.

[applause]

Does anyone have any
questions about this process?

Yeah, we'll start in the back,
there.

Uh... I have a question.

Oh, sorry.

The only male in the room,
clearly a pervert.

Security, please escort
this man from the room.

No no no no, I'm...
I'm not a pervert.

I... I just want to say that

I think you're both
doing a great job.

I don't have ovaries,
but this is...

wouldn't you say,
this is a very...

it's a very compelling
presentation.

I have a question
for Dr. Lahiri.

Just wondering if you
had dinner plans tonight.

No, I would love to
have dinner with you.

[applause]

It's Danny, we work with him.

Ah, well, hello, Danny.

Wow. Min, that was incredible.

Thank you.
I can't believe you came down here.

You're so great at this.

I can see now
that you can do both.

I'm so happy to hear that.

Yeah, you can stay
home with Leo,

and do this on the weekend,
like a hobby.

Hobby?

Yeah, it's perfect
for being a mom,

'cause we're gonna
have another kid soon,

and then, you know,
this will get you out of the house.

We're having another kid?

Yeah, that's why
I pushed up the wedding...

'cause you wanna have
more kids. Right?

I haven't thought about it
in a while, but... yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

Good. Ah, I love you.
I'm proud of you.

- Thanks.
- Hey, let's go home.

Okay.

Well, whatever you did to Danny
under that airline blanket

seems to have paid off.

- He's tuckered out.
- Hm.

So, am I to assume that you
two have everything sorted?

Yeah...

I've found that the longer
a "yeah" stretches out,

the more it might
mean something else.

- No.
- Oh, dear.

It's fine. We're good. We spoke,

and I'm going to continue to
do "Later, Baby" as a hobby.

A hobby? Our business?

Yeah, you know,
it's just something that I can do

in between having kids.

I mean, is that what you want?

I don't know.
I mean, I'll figure it out.

Hm.

What does "hm" mean?

Oh, it's nothing,
I was just thinking about last time

I said, "We'll figure it out."

What happened?

We didn't. I had to leave
my home and the love of my life

for that godforsaken
cesspool where I met you.

Oh, but that's a completely
different situation

than you're in,
I wouldn't worry about it.

Just make sure
that when you do figure out

exactly what you want,
you don't lose sight of it, okay?

Meanwhile, I have figured
out exactly what I want.

The stewardess is giving me a signal
to meet her in the lavatory.

Oh, God. You are a sex criminal.

Get out of here. Ugh.

[somber music]

♪ ♪