The Mindy Project (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 12 - Episode #4.12 - full transcript
When you're in
a serious relationship,
there's all different
kinds of sex.
There's the romantic,
lovemaking kind
where two soul mates take
care of each other's needs.
[romantic music]
♪ ♪
There's the passionate,
can't-keep-you-hands-
off-each other kind...
[moans]
And then there's this new
kind I'm finding out about,
which feels a lot
like procreation.
- Oh, Nellie.
- Oh, Nellie.
Whoo.
Okay, so, I'm gonna go
watch some Bill O'Reilly.
No, no, no, no.
Let's just look at
each other in the eyes.
- Look each other in the eyes?
- Yeah.
'Kay, Jeffrey Dahmer.
I don't think so.
No, no, no, no.
I'm really
comfortable right now.
- 'Kay.
- Okay.
Our Father Who art in heaven,
hallowed be...
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Are you praying?
What?
Are you, like, praying to God
that I get pregnant right now?
Can't a guy pray inside
of his own girlfriend?
Okay, come on.
Just slide out, slide out.
Why would I do that,
and if I did, I mean,
would that be the worst
thing in the world?
- Kind of.
- Why?
Well, my fertility practice is
just now starting to succeed.
Well, there's no
perfect time, man.
I mean,
Leo didn't come at a perfect time,
and now he's our fantastic
little diaper dude.
Exactly, so maybe Leo's enough.
Look, I'm not saying
we should start
trying necessarily,
but if it happens, it happens.
- That's the same as trying.
- It is?
I'm extremely fertile, Danny.
It's not like India has
an underpopulation problem.
We used to have unprotected sex,
like, all the time before Leo.
Yeah, I know,
because I can never remember
to take my birth control,
and you said that condoms
made your penis feel...
both: Sweaty.
- Yeah.
- That's not a real thing.
It's a real thing for me.
Look, we're not trying
and we're not not trying, okay?
We are not trying
to have a baby.
- Right.
- Right.
Business as usual.
- Nah, I don't know.
- Let's go again.
- Oh, no, it's all right.
- You're not in the mood?
You could, like, go down on me?
Ah, I'm too tired.
[music]
[upbeat music]
Dr. L, breakfast!
[glass shatters]
Ah! God.
- I am so sorry.
- What the hell, Morgan?
I'm gonna say one
thing though, okay?
The Dr. L that I used to
know would catch that muffin
in her teeth blindfolded.
- Yeah, that's true.
- What's going on?
'Kay, between the two of us,
I think that Danny's trying
to get me pregnant again.
No! No, no, no!
The business, okay?
I have finally saved
up enough money
to move out of
grandmother's basement,
- not that I want to.
- I'm sorry, Morgan,
but it's just not that simple.
No, it is that simple, okay?
You just say,
"I don't want to have another baby."
Off the record,
no one likes Leo anyways.
I don't like when you
say things like that.
He can't even talk!
Yeah, he's a little baby.
He's not gonna talk for a while.
When I seven,
I was speaking full sentences.
I cannot get into another
big fight with Danny
before the wedding.
I just wanna wait
till we're married
and then I will bring this up.
You know,
after I bring up the fact
that his mother needs
to go into a home.
If you're not gonna tell him,
you got to go on birth control.
Morgan, that's so sneaky.
I can give him a vasectomy
while he's asleep.
He literally would not know.
How would that even work?
Well by we,
I mean me and cousin Lou.
You would text me,
say, "He's asleep,"
we'd come in,
snip-snip, bandage up.
He's in intense pain for,
like, three weeks.
He'll never know.
Get out.
Think about what I said.
[glass shatters]
Oh, God!
I thought you would
have caught that one.
I thought after the first one,
you'd be expecting it.
[upbeat music]
Everything looks perfect, Diana.
Your baby girl is as healthy,
and dare I say,
as hot as can be. [Diana laughs]
And don't worry, you know,
the baby doesn't come out
in black and white,
which is my favorite cookie,
hint hint.
Well, thank you so much.
I'm just really
excited to be a mom.
[Morgan chuckles] -
Not as excited as us.
You are the first
woman to give birth
with the help of
my fertility clinic.
I'm not a fraud!
We'll never forget you,
patient zero.
Okay, I've asked you
not to call me that.
Please don't forget
to bring a camera
so we can get a shot
of the little guy
and put him on our Wall O' Fame!
It's a play on "Wall of Fame."
Thanks so much,
Dr. L, for everything.
Of course! We're really excited.
Yeah. Get out of here.
- Bye, Diana.
- Bye!
Bye.
Morgan,
why did you pick the biggest wall
for the Wall of Fame?
Wall O' Fame.
It's gonna take forever to
fill this up with photos.
We're gonna have plenty
of babies up on that wall,
and in the mean time,
why don't we put up
a little baby picture
of yours truly.
- Oh, God!
- That's the cutest one.
That can not go on the wall.
Okay, that's a little rude.
Oh, God.
Hey, babe.
Can I ask you something?
Ah, great.
Mindy wears a man's coat,
no one cares.
I come in wearing a smart,
fuchsia trench
from Anthropologie
and my chaphood is questioned.
What are you talking about?
We're wearing each
other's lab coats again.
- Mm.
- We wear the same size.
No we don't.
You wear a men's medium.
I wear a women's wide.
That's the same thing, babe.
Come on.
Can you just give me my coat?
You guys really are
perfect for each other.
Just like me and, um...
Oh, God.
Okay.
How would you feel about going
wedding cake tasting with me?
I can't go by myself.
The baker says I have
to bring my fiancee.
Apparently,
I've eaten so many samples,
I'm putting them
out of business.
- I...
- I can check my calendar.
I do have a Knights of
Columbus meeting this week
and I'm the only
one young enough
to set up the tables.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
I'm not going to
that blood drive with you.
They won't take my blood anyway!
They say it's quote,
"too greasy."
No, that's not what
I'm talking about.
I would like to take you
on a real date tonight.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean,
we haven't had a lot of...
me and you time lately, right?
A date on a weeknight? Okay.
Wait, this isn't a way for
you to use a coupon, is it?
- I would rather die.
- No, Min, come on.
What do you say?
I know we'll miss Leo,
but it'd be nice
to have a night out
without the little rug muncher.
That's not what you think it is,
- but yeah, I'm in.
- Great.
- I'll make a reservation.
- Okay.
Okay. I'm excited.
Hey, how much candy do you eat?
[romantic music]
Danny this was such
a romantic night.
I love it.
We had champagne.
We had sparkling wine.
We had Prosec...
Damn, we drank a lot.
- We did.
- I think I'm kinda hammered.
Hey, look, if anyone deserves
a night off, it's you, babe.
I mean, two jobs, a kid,
and on top of it all,
you got to deal
with a bum like me
who doesn't always
appreciate you.
Look, tonight,
I wanna focus on you.
That's my favorite
thing to focus on.
I missed that.
This blanket's kinda big.
I'm a little drunk.
You wanna, like...
Right here in the carriage?
- Mm-hmm.
- Like a fairy tale?
It is like a fairy tale.
[playful music]
♪ ♪
It was the most romantic
night of my life.
I feel so bad, you know?
I always think
the worst of Danny,
but he was just trying
to do something sweet.
Yeah, he's a sweet guy.
Are you trying to put
my birthday in there?
Don't worry,
he'll just erase it again.
No, I'm not doing that.
I'm putting our wedding cake
tasting into his calendar.
Hmm. What does OML stand for?
It's in his calendar yesterday,
today, and tomorrow.
Is it a saying? "Oink my life"?
Oh, my God.
Is there a saying I don't know?
Am I old? Oink my life!
- It's your ovulation.
- What?
OML, the ovulation of Mindy Lahiri.
I track it too.
Look, three consecutive days.
O-M-L!
- No!
- Yeah!
It looks like Dr. C is
trying to track your cycle
to get you pregnant!
Prince Harry tried
to do that to me.
Of course!
The only reason he took me
on that stupid romantic date
is 'cause he knew
I'd slut it up.
Before we left,
he kept dropping his keys
so that I would stare
at his little butt.
I knows that gets me riled up.
[exhales sharply]
And then at dinner,
he made sure we both got drunk.
He usually has one
low carb mocktail
and switches to water,
and then in the carriage,
he conveniently
didn't have a condom,
but he knew that I would
be such a drunk horn ball
at that point,
I wouldn't even care.
I am glad that carriage driver
drove us to the police precinct
before we could finish.
I can't believe
he tried to trap me.
And destroy our practice.
Yeah, you can't stand
for this, Dr. L.
If it were me,
I'd sleep with an L.A. Laker
to make him jealous,
but in your case,
you might just have
to keep the baby.
- This will not stand.
- This will not stand.
I'm putting my birthday in again
and if he erases it,
I'll put it right back in!
[knocks on door]
Jody.
I need you to prescribe
me birth control.
Ah, well have a seat,
young lady.
You know that sexual
intercourse is not the only way
to show affection?
I'm not some
14-year-old Christian.
That's not gonna work on me.
Well, there are other
ways to prevent pregnancy,
such as celibacy,
the fine art of
non-penetrative coitus.
Give me the pill
or I will tell everyone
where to find
your "Star Search" episode.
How? Where is my pad?
Diana,
you are not going into labor.
Looks like you got
a little prankster in there.
- [Diana chuckles]
- That's like me.
I pranked my parents
when I came out
all cold and Grey, but healthy.
Well, I feel silly,
but thank you for seeing me.
Your happiness is
the only thanks we need.
[Morgan clears throat]
Although,
if you would like to tweet
about your experience
with the hashtag
♪ Lahiri Baby Miracles,
I wouldn't say no.
And tag me in all photos.
My username is
Library Computer 14.
Don't worry about it.
[knocks on door]
Hey, Mindy.
Uh, sorry to interrupt.
Oh, you must be
Dr. Lahiri's fiancee.
I've seen so many
pictures of you,
but none of your face.
Oh, hi! You got a second?
Come with me.
We'll step outside for a second.
Oh, okay. [clears throat]
Danny,
I just tried to introduce you
to my first patient.
You didn't seem
very excited to meet her.
Well, I mean,
it's a pregnant woman.
I see them all day long.
Would you go up to
a fisherman and be like,
"Hey, look a trout!"
- Trout?
- Yeah, like a...
I'm talking about my...
okay, yeah, I guess so.
Hey, hey.
Our date night went so well.
Why don't we do
it again tonight?
"When Harry Met
Sally" is playing
in that little theater
down the street.
Isn't that the movie
you called a quote,
"Fantasy that undermines
the dignity of men"?
Maybe I could learn to
appreciate it at least,
like I did with teriyaki.
Why don't we do
it another night?
I'd really like to
do it tonight, babe.
It'd be really romantic.
I got Ma to take Leo
to Staten Island,
so, you know,
in case things get a little crazy...
you know what I mean?
Okay, fine, tonight it is.
Great. I'm really excited.
Tom Hanks is my favorite actor.
- He's not...
- I'll see you at 8:00.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
It's working already.
My boobs are huge.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Jody.
- Hello, Danny.
Wow, flowers for me?
You about to ask me to
the friendship ball?
I didn't know you
had those up here!
- They're for Mindy.
- Oh.
We got a date night tonight.
What you looking at here?
Why, the future, Danny.
In the coming years,
Mindy and I will cover this wall
with the beaming faces
of miracle babies.
Oh, how I envy the Caribbean
nannies who will raise them.
Well you never know
what the future holds.
I mean,
if something was to happen,
you'd be able to run this
place by yourself, right? Easy?
- Run the practice alone?
- Sure.
[chuckles] Why?
Say we were to have another kid,
Mindy would probably
stop working.
Oh, you don't say.
I wasn't aware that Mindy wanted
any more children.
Oh, we do. Yeah.
We're not trying,
but we're not not trying, so...
Maybe save a little spot
on this wall here for us.
Have a good day.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Mindy, I need to speak with you.
Wow, Jody, that's the quickest
you've ever said anything.
You didn't even formally
announce yourself.
That's because I am not
in the presence of a lady.
My ice cream cone!
I found on the floor
of the kitchen!
What the hell, Jody?
I just had a very interesting
conversation with Danny.
He told me you two were
trying for more kids,
which is strange because
you just asked me
- for birth control.
- Does he want more kids?
I have no idea, I mean,
I can't read his mind.
If I did, I'd know his PIN
and I'd steal all his money.
Oh, don't play dumb with me.
You're dumb about
a great many things;
the news, etiquette,
where the moon goes during the day.
I know where the moon goes.
It hides behind the sun.
But you know exactly
what you're doing here,
and it's not right.
I know.
I love Danny, but I don't
want to have another fight.
I just want to get married,
and then we can deal with
this kid stuff later.
Look, I don't want to
tell you what to do,
but I shouldn't know more
about your relationship
than your fiancee,
and as your doctor,
you shouldn't have more
than three ice cream cones a day.
- Could I talk to you?
- Yeah. What's up?
You know I love you,
and I've always looked at you as,
I don't know,
the little Italian
nephew I never had.
Okay.
I find your lack of support
for Dr. Lahiri appalling.
Okay, yep.
I know what this is about.
You have a little
stake in the practice
and you don't want
Mindy to quit.
No, no. Listen.
When you went out to Cali,
all right,
I had no faith in her.
I mean, she's got a baby,
two jobs,
a sex drive that borders
on mental illness,
- I mean, she's got to have it.
- Is this going somewhere?
The point is this, okay?
You were going doing
God knows what,
and she built this
amazing practice
from the ground up
and now it's actually
helping people
and you want her to stop?
She said she would stop.
We had an agreement.
People change! Things change!
I only took this job
as part of a long con
so I could steal all
the office equipment,
but I changed, and so did you.
I mean, you didn't like me when
I first started working here,
and now we're best friends.
I'm getting plastic surgery
so I can look more like you.
Well look, yeah, what she's done
is pretty incredible.
I just don't know when
the things we wanted
became so different.
If she's important
enough to you,
maybe it's time for you
to want something else.
That might be
the most insightful thing
- you've ever said.
- Thank you.
That means a lot
coming from a lady.
[laughs]
What?
You're wearing
Dr. Lahiri's lab coat again.
[laughs]
Again? Okay.
Dr. C.? More like "Dr. She."
Okay.
All right. Good talk.
[door shuts]
[traffic sounds]
[jazzy music]
[indistinct chatter]
Man, I got married
so I could stop dating.
So I don't see where
we can still date
is any big incentive
since the last thing you
want to do is date your wife
who's supposed to love you.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- There you are.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
The intro was so interesting.
Did you know a woman
wrote this movie?
I don't know if
I've ever loved you.
Ooh, that's harsh!
The reason I'm late
is because I, uh...
I saw something
very shocking at work today.
Okay, can't wait to hear
about it later, sweetheart.
I mean, I've seen some stuff,
but this was, I mean,
this was, ha...
This took the cake. Wow.
Hey, sorry,
could you guys keep it down?
We're actually on a first date.
Yeah, no, of course.
We're very sorry.
He's stopping. Sorry.
First date?
Yeah, good luck with that, pal.
Thanks.
'Cause real relationships,
they're not like the movies.
I mean, they're not...
they're not like that, you know?
I mean, look at this thing.
It's a bunch of lies.
Hey, what is wrong with you?
I'll tell you what's
wrong with me.
I found these in
the pocket of your lab coat.
- Birth control pills?
- Okay, Danny, I can explain.
Sorry, your birth control pills
are blocking our view.
Okay, all right.
Thank you so much.
Just get back there, okay?
Just sit back
and don't talk to us.
I can't believe you!
All: Shh!
I know. I'm very sorry.
As you can see,
this is not my fault, okay?
This is a betrayal.
- Oh, this is a betrayal?
- It's a betrayal, yes!
What about you trying to get
me pregnant behind my back?
[all gasp, boo]
Okay. All right,
all right, all right.
All right, we're going.
- Bye, you guys happy?
- Everyone happy now?
- I want to talk right...
- Get out of here, all right?
How long has this
birth control business
been going on?
You know how
embarrassing that is?
I don't know, maybe as long as
you've been keeping track of
my periods on your calendar.
Wh... that?
Yeah, so I keep track of
a lot of things on my calendar.
Tom Petty's tour dates,
your ovulation cycle,
seasonal fruits...
a lot of things!
You know what
the worst part is, Danny?
That I thought you were being
really romantic this week.
I loved it. It was wonderful,
but really you were just trying
to trick me into
getting pregnant.
Look, I'm sorry,
but I'm not sorry
that I want a bigger family.
Look, listen to me.
I never wanted kids
before I met you
and you made me be
the kind of guy that does,
and now all off a sudden
that's a bad thing?
No, it's not a bad thing, Danny.
It is fine for you to want kids,
if that's what I also wanted.
Oh, yeah, right,
right, your career.
You're too busy getting
half of Manhattan
knocked up, and Leo,
he's just out there
by himself alone,
playing pat-a-cake
against the wall
while his mom's working?
- There! You're doing it again.
- What?
Every time that you disagree
with something that I do,
it's a referendum
on my character.
If I want to go to work,
it means I'm a bad mother.
If I want to have
a second glass of wine,
it means I'm out of control.
- Come on! Don't exaggerate.
- I'm not!
In your eyes,
every single thing I do
is more evidence
that I'm a bad person.
You're not a bad person.
You want me to help you make
good decisions, don't you?
Yeah, I thought
I made good decisions,
and now you're just making
all the decisions for me.
So what,
if it's the right decision?
Look, Mindy. Look at me.
You are an amazing mom.
Any child would
love to be with you.
Would love to have you as a mom.
Why not do it again?
I'm also a good doctor.
I don't want to have
to give up any more
to have more kids.
- That's selfish.
- I'm selfish?
Yes!
Was it selfish when
I took care of our son
by myself for months
while you were
across the country
taking care of
your estranged father?
My dad had a heart attack.
What did you want me to do?
Abandon him?
Or you could have hired a nurse,
or you could have asked
your younger brother
- to help, but you didn't.
- Okay.
Whenever you decide to do something,
it's selfless,
and whenever I decide to
do something, it's selfish.
You get to choose
all the definitions.
You are the judge, the jury,
which just leaves me to
be the "sexecutioner."
I'm sorry, not the right time,
but I had to.
Maybe I need to be
the judge and jury
because I make better
choices than you do.
You're flighty, indecisive,
and you don't think
through consequences.
That's probably true.
I just wish that you didn't
have a list of my flaws
ready right there at
the tip of your tongue.
You're a good person, Danny,
but if you were the best person,
you wouldn't always rub it
in my face all the time.
[phone vibrates]
[phone beeps]
My patient just went into labor.
I have to go.
Just let someone
else take care of it.
No, this is
my fertility clinic's
first patient to go into labor.
Don't you see how
important that is?
What, we're gonna just
leave it like this?
Danny, I have to go. I'm sorry.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[M.I.A.'s "Bad Girls" playing]
♪ Live fast, die young,
bad girls do it well ♪
♪ Live fast, die young,
bad girls do it well ♪
♪ Live fast, die young ♪
- You ready?
- Yeah.
♪ My chain hits my chest ♪
♪ When I'm banging
on the radio ♪
♪ Hand up, hands tied ♪
♪ Don't go screaming if
I blow you with a bang ♪
♪ Ah, Suki Suki ♪
One, two, three, push, push.
You got this, Diana. You got it!
♪ There's steam on
the window screen ♪
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Well done.
I've taken the liberty
of preparing a few words.
Oh!
"To Lahiri fertility;
big dreams from a big woman."
Nope.
"The good kind of immigrant."
- No, she's from Boston.
- I was born here.
"As Jefferson
Davis once said..."
- No.
- No, stop with him.
All right, everyone.
"To our first baby.
May there be many, many more."
Yeah.
Mm. [slurps]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
How'd it go?
Really well actually.
Diana was so brave.
I was thinking maybe
we should hold off
on the wedding for a while.
Think things through.
Something to think about.
Okay.
Night.
Good night.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[phone vibrates]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
a serious relationship,
there's all different
kinds of sex.
There's the romantic,
lovemaking kind
where two soul mates take
care of each other's needs.
[romantic music]
♪ ♪
There's the passionate,
can't-keep-you-hands-
off-each other kind...
[moans]
And then there's this new
kind I'm finding out about,
which feels a lot
like procreation.
- Oh, Nellie.
- Oh, Nellie.
Whoo.
Okay, so, I'm gonna go
watch some Bill O'Reilly.
No, no, no, no.
Let's just look at
each other in the eyes.
- Look each other in the eyes?
- Yeah.
'Kay, Jeffrey Dahmer.
I don't think so.
No, no, no, no.
I'm really
comfortable right now.
- 'Kay.
- Okay.
Our Father Who art in heaven,
hallowed be...
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Are you praying?
What?
Are you, like, praying to God
that I get pregnant right now?
Can't a guy pray inside
of his own girlfriend?
Okay, come on.
Just slide out, slide out.
Why would I do that,
and if I did, I mean,
would that be the worst
thing in the world?
- Kind of.
- Why?
Well, my fertility practice is
just now starting to succeed.
Well, there's no
perfect time, man.
I mean,
Leo didn't come at a perfect time,
and now he's our fantastic
little diaper dude.
Exactly, so maybe Leo's enough.
Look, I'm not saying
we should start
trying necessarily,
but if it happens, it happens.
- That's the same as trying.
- It is?
I'm extremely fertile, Danny.
It's not like India has
an underpopulation problem.
We used to have unprotected sex,
like, all the time before Leo.
Yeah, I know,
because I can never remember
to take my birth control,
and you said that condoms
made your penis feel...
both: Sweaty.
- Yeah.
- That's not a real thing.
It's a real thing for me.
Look, we're not trying
and we're not not trying, okay?
We are not trying
to have a baby.
- Right.
- Right.
Business as usual.
- Nah, I don't know.
- Let's go again.
- Oh, no, it's all right.
- You're not in the mood?
You could, like, go down on me?
Ah, I'm too tired.
[music]
[upbeat music]
Dr. L, breakfast!
[glass shatters]
Ah! God.
- I am so sorry.
- What the hell, Morgan?
I'm gonna say one
thing though, okay?
The Dr. L that I used to
know would catch that muffin
in her teeth blindfolded.
- Yeah, that's true.
- What's going on?
'Kay, between the two of us,
I think that Danny's trying
to get me pregnant again.
No! No, no, no!
The business, okay?
I have finally saved
up enough money
to move out of
grandmother's basement,
- not that I want to.
- I'm sorry, Morgan,
but it's just not that simple.
No, it is that simple, okay?
You just say,
"I don't want to have another baby."
Off the record,
no one likes Leo anyways.
I don't like when you
say things like that.
He can't even talk!
Yeah, he's a little baby.
He's not gonna talk for a while.
When I seven,
I was speaking full sentences.
I cannot get into another
big fight with Danny
before the wedding.
I just wanna wait
till we're married
and then I will bring this up.
You know,
after I bring up the fact
that his mother needs
to go into a home.
If you're not gonna tell him,
you got to go on birth control.
Morgan, that's so sneaky.
I can give him a vasectomy
while he's asleep.
He literally would not know.
How would that even work?
Well by we,
I mean me and cousin Lou.
You would text me,
say, "He's asleep,"
we'd come in,
snip-snip, bandage up.
He's in intense pain for,
like, three weeks.
He'll never know.
Get out.
Think about what I said.
[glass shatters]
Oh, God!
I thought you would
have caught that one.
I thought after the first one,
you'd be expecting it.
[upbeat music]
Everything looks perfect, Diana.
Your baby girl is as healthy,
and dare I say,
as hot as can be. [Diana laughs]
And don't worry, you know,
the baby doesn't come out
in black and white,
which is my favorite cookie,
hint hint.
Well, thank you so much.
I'm just really
excited to be a mom.
[Morgan chuckles] -
Not as excited as us.
You are the first
woman to give birth
with the help of
my fertility clinic.
I'm not a fraud!
We'll never forget you,
patient zero.
Okay, I've asked you
not to call me that.
Please don't forget
to bring a camera
so we can get a shot
of the little guy
and put him on our Wall O' Fame!
It's a play on "Wall of Fame."
Thanks so much,
Dr. L, for everything.
Of course! We're really excited.
Yeah. Get out of here.
- Bye, Diana.
- Bye!
Bye.
Morgan,
why did you pick the biggest wall
for the Wall of Fame?
Wall O' Fame.
It's gonna take forever to
fill this up with photos.
We're gonna have plenty
of babies up on that wall,
and in the mean time,
why don't we put up
a little baby picture
of yours truly.
- Oh, God!
- That's the cutest one.
That can not go on the wall.
Okay, that's a little rude.
Oh, God.
Hey, babe.
Can I ask you something?
Ah, great.
Mindy wears a man's coat,
no one cares.
I come in wearing a smart,
fuchsia trench
from Anthropologie
and my chaphood is questioned.
What are you talking about?
We're wearing each
other's lab coats again.
- Mm.
- We wear the same size.
No we don't.
You wear a men's medium.
I wear a women's wide.
That's the same thing, babe.
Come on.
Can you just give me my coat?
You guys really are
perfect for each other.
Just like me and, um...
Oh, God.
Okay.
How would you feel about going
wedding cake tasting with me?
I can't go by myself.
The baker says I have
to bring my fiancee.
Apparently,
I've eaten so many samples,
I'm putting them
out of business.
- I...
- I can check my calendar.
I do have a Knights of
Columbus meeting this week
and I'm the only
one young enough
to set up the tables.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
I'm not going to
that blood drive with you.
They won't take my blood anyway!
They say it's quote,
"too greasy."
No, that's not what
I'm talking about.
I would like to take you
on a real date tonight.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean,
we haven't had a lot of...
me and you time lately, right?
A date on a weeknight? Okay.
Wait, this isn't a way for
you to use a coupon, is it?
- I would rather die.
- No, Min, come on.
What do you say?
I know we'll miss Leo,
but it'd be nice
to have a night out
without the little rug muncher.
That's not what you think it is,
- but yeah, I'm in.
- Great.
- I'll make a reservation.
- Okay.
Okay. I'm excited.
Hey, how much candy do you eat?
[romantic music]
Danny this was such
a romantic night.
I love it.
We had champagne.
We had sparkling wine.
We had Prosec...
Damn, we drank a lot.
- We did.
- I think I'm kinda hammered.
Hey, look, if anyone deserves
a night off, it's you, babe.
I mean, two jobs, a kid,
and on top of it all,
you got to deal
with a bum like me
who doesn't always
appreciate you.
Look, tonight,
I wanna focus on you.
That's my favorite
thing to focus on.
I missed that.
This blanket's kinda big.
I'm a little drunk.
You wanna, like...
Right here in the carriage?
- Mm-hmm.
- Like a fairy tale?
It is like a fairy tale.
[playful music]
♪ ♪
It was the most romantic
night of my life.
I feel so bad, you know?
I always think
the worst of Danny,
but he was just trying
to do something sweet.
Yeah, he's a sweet guy.
Are you trying to put
my birthday in there?
Don't worry,
he'll just erase it again.
No, I'm not doing that.
I'm putting our wedding cake
tasting into his calendar.
Hmm. What does OML stand for?
It's in his calendar yesterday,
today, and tomorrow.
Is it a saying? "Oink my life"?
Oh, my God.
Is there a saying I don't know?
Am I old? Oink my life!
- It's your ovulation.
- What?
OML, the ovulation of Mindy Lahiri.
I track it too.
Look, three consecutive days.
O-M-L!
- No!
- Yeah!
It looks like Dr. C is
trying to track your cycle
to get you pregnant!
Prince Harry tried
to do that to me.
Of course!
The only reason he took me
on that stupid romantic date
is 'cause he knew
I'd slut it up.
Before we left,
he kept dropping his keys
so that I would stare
at his little butt.
I knows that gets me riled up.
[exhales sharply]
And then at dinner,
he made sure we both got drunk.
He usually has one
low carb mocktail
and switches to water,
and then in the carriage,
he conveniently
didn't have a condom,
but he knew that I would
be such a drunk horn ball
at that point,
I wouldn't even care.
I am glad that carriage driver
drove us to the police precinct
before we could finish.
I can't believe
he tried to trap me.
And destroy our practice.
Yeah, you can't stand
for this, Dr. L.
If it were me,
I'd sleep with an L.A. Laker
to make him jealous,
but in your case,
you might just have
to keep the baby.
- This will not stand.
- This will not stand.
I'm putting my birthday in again
and if he erases it,
I'll put it right back in!
[knocks on door]
Jody.
I need you to prescribe
me birth control.
Ah, well have a seat,
young lady.
You know that sexual
intercourse is not the only way
to show affection?
I'm not some
14-year-old Christian.
That's not gonna work on me.
Well, there are other
ways to prevent pregnancy,
such as celibacy,
the fine art of
non-penetrative coitus.
Give me the pill
or I will tell everyone
where to find
your "Star Search" episode.
How? Where is my pad?
Diana,
you are not going into labor.
Looks like you got
a little prankster in there.
- [Diana chuckles]
- That's like me.
I pranked my parents
when I came out
all cold and Grey, but healthy.
Well, I feel silly,
but thank you for seeing me.
Your happiness is
the only thanks we need.
[Morgan clears throat]
Although,
if you would like to tweet
about your experience
with the hashtag
♪ Lahiri Baby Miracles,
I wouldn't say no.
And tag me in all photos.
My username is
Library Computer 14.
Don't worry about it.
[knocks on door]
Hey, Mindy.
Uh, sorry to interrupt.
Oh, you must be
Dr. Lahiri's fiancee.
I've seen so many
pictures of you,
but none of your face.
Oh, hi! You got a second?
Come with me.
We'll step outside for a second.
Oh, okay. [clears throat]
Danny,
I just tried to introduce you
to my first patient.
You didn't seem
very excited to meet her.
Well, I mean,
it's a pregnant woman.
I see them all day long.
Would you go up to
a fisherman and be like,
"Hey, look a trout!"
- Trout?
- Yeah, like a...
I'm talking about my...
okay, yeah, I guess so.
Hey, hey.
Our date night went so well.
Why don't we do
it again tonight?
"When Harry Met
Sally" is playing
in that little theater
down the street.
Isn't that the movie
you called a quote,
"Fantasy that undermines
the dignity of men"?
Maybe I could learn to
appreciate it at least,
like I did with teriyaki.
Why don't we do
it another night?
I'd really like to
do it tonight, babe.
It'd be really romantic.
I got Ma to take Leo
to Staten Island,
so, you know,
in case things get a little crazy...
you know what I mean?
Okay, fine, tonight it is.
Great. I'm really excited.
Tom Hanks is my favorite actor.
- He's not...
- I'll see you at 8:00.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
It's working already.
My boobs are huge.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Jody.
- Hello, Danny.
Wow, flowers for me?
You about to ask me to
the friendship ball?
I didn't know you
had those up here!
- They're for Mindy.
- Oh.
We got a date night tonight.
What you looking at here?
Why, the future, Danny.
In the coming years,
Mindy and I will cover this wall
with the beaming faces
of miracle babies.
Oh, how I envy the Caribbean
nannies who will raise them.
Well you never know
what the future holds.
I mean,
if something was to happen,
you'd be able to run this
place by yourself, right? Easy?
- Run the practice alone?
- Sure.
[chuckles] Why?
Say we were to have another kid,
Mindy would probably
stop working.
Oh, you don't say.
I wasn't aware that Mindy wanted
any more children.
Oh, we do. Yeah.
We're not trying,
but we're not not trying, so...
Maybe save a little spot
on this wall here for us.
Have a good day.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Mindy, I need to speak with you.
Wow, Jody, that's the quickest
you've ever said anything.
You didn't even formally
announce yourself.
That's because I am not
in the presence of a lady.
My ice cream cone!
I found on the floor
of the kitchen!
What the hell, Jody?
I just had a very interesting
conversation with Danny.
He told me you two were
trying for more kids,
which is strange because
you just asked me
- for birth control.
- Does he want more kids?
I have no idea, I mean,
I can't read his mind.
If I did, I'd know his PIN
and I'd steal all his money.
Oh, don't play dumb with me.
You're dumb about
a great many things;
the news, etiquette,
where the moon goes during the day.
I know where the moon goes.
It hides behind the sun.
But you know exactly
what you're doing here,
and it's not right.
I know.
I love Danny, but I don't
want to have another fight.
I just want to get married,
and then we can deal with
this kid stuff later.
Look, I don't want to
tell you what to do,
but I shouldn't know more
about your relationship
than your fiancee,
and as your doctor,
you shouldn't have more
than three ice cream cones a day.
- Could I talk to you?
- Yeah. What's up?
You know I love you,
and I've always looked at you as,
I don't know,
the little Italian
nephew I never had.
Okay.
I find your lack of support
for Dr. Lahiri appalling.
Okay, yep.
I know what this is about.
You have a little
stake in the practice
and you don't want
Mindy to quit.
No, no. Listen.
When you went out to Cali,
all right,
I had no faith in her.
I mean, she's got a baby,
two jobs,
a sex drive that borders
on mental illness,
- I mean, she's got to have it.
- Is this going somewhere?
The point is this, okay?
You were going doing
God knows what,
and she built this
amazing practice
from the ground up
and now it's actually
helping people
and you want her to stop?
She said she would stop.
We had an agreement.
People change! Things change!
I only took this job
as part of a long con
so I could steal all
the office equipment,
but I changed, and so did you.
I mean, you didn't like me when
I first started working here,
and now we're best friends.
I'm getting plastic surgery
so I can look more like you.
Well look, yeah, what she's done
is pretty incredible.
I just don't know when
the things we wanted
became so different.
If she's important
enough to you,
maybe it's time for you
to want something else.
That might be
the most insightful thing
- you've ever said.
- Thank you.
That means a lot
coming from a lady.
[laughs]
What?
You're wearing
Dr. Lahiri's lab coat again.
[laughs]
Again? Okay.
Dr. C.? More like "Dr. She."
Okay.
All right. Good talk.
[door shuts]
[traffic sounds]
[jazzy music]
[indistinct chatter]
Man, I got married
so I could stop dating.
So I don't see where
we can still date
is any big incentive
since the last thing you
want to do is date your wife
who's supposed to love you.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
- There you are.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
The intro was so interesting.
Did you know a woman
wrote this movie?
I don't know if
I've ever loved you.
Ooh, that's harsh!
The reason I'm late
is because I, uh...
I saw something
very shocking at work today.
Okay, can't wait to hear
about it later, sweetheart.
I mean, I've seen some stuff,
but this was, I mean,
this was, ha...
This took the cake. Wow.
Hey, sorry,
could you guys keep it down?
We're actually on a first date.
Yeah, no, of course.
We're very sorry.
He's stopping. Sorry.
First date?
Yeah, good luck with that, pal.
Thanks.
'Cause real relationships,
they're not like the movies.
I mean, they're not...
they're not like that, you know?
I mean, look at this thing.
It's a bunch of lies.
Hey, what is wrong with you?
I'll tell you what's
wrong with me.
I found these in
the pocket of your lab coat.
- Birth control pills?
- Okay, Danny, I can explain.
Sorry, your birth control pills
are blocking our view.
Okay, all right.
Thank you so much.
Just get back there, okay?
Just sit back
and don't talk to us.
I can't believe you!
All: Shh!
I know. I'm very sorry.
As you can see,
this is not my fault, okay?
This is a betrayal.
- Oh, this is a betrayal?
- It's a betrayal, yes!
What about you trying to get
me pregnant behind my back?
[all gasp, boo]
Okay. All right,
all right, all right.
All right, we're going.
- Bye, you guys happy?
- Everyone happy now?
- I want to talk right...
- Get out of here, all right?
How long has this
birth control business
been going on?
You know how
embarrassing that is?
I don't know, maybe as long as
you've been keeping track of
my periods on your calendar.
Wh... that?
Yeah, so I keep track of
a lot of things on my calendar.
Tom Petty's tour dates,
your ovulation cycle,
seasonal fruits...
a lot of things!
You know what
the worst part is, Danny?
That I thought you were being
really romantic this week.
I loved it. It was wonderful,
but really you were just trying
to trick me into
getting pregnant.
Look, I'm sorry,
but I'm not sorry
that I want a bigger family.
Look, listen to me.
I never wanted kids
before I met you
and you made me be
the kind of guy that does,
and now all off a sudden
that's a bad thing?
No, it's not a bad thing, Danny.
It is fine for you to want kids,
if that's what I also wanted.
Oh, yeah, right,
right, your career.
You're too busy getting
half of Manhattan
knocked up, and Leo,
he's just out there
by himself alone,
playing pat-a-cake
against the wall
while his mom's working?
- There! You're doing it again.
- What?
Every time that you disagree
with something that I do,
it's a referendum
on my character.
If I want to go to work,
it means I'm a bad mother.
If I want to have
a second glass of wine,
it means I'm out of control.
- Come on! Don't exaggerate.
- I'm not!
In your eyes,
every single thing I do
is more evidence
that I'm a bad person.
You're not a bad person.
You want me to help you make
good decisions, don't you?
Yeah, I thought
I made good decisions,
and now you're just making
all the decisions for me.
So what,
if it's the right decision?
Look, Mindy. Look at me.
You are an amazing mom.
Any child would
love to be with you.
Would love to have you as a mom.
Why not do it again?
I'm also a good doctor.
I don't want to have
to give up any more
to have more kids.
- That's selfish.
- I'm selfish?
Yes!
Was it selfish when
I took care of our son
by myself for months
while you were
across the country
taking care of
your estranged father?
My dad had a heart attack.
What did you want me to do?
Abandon him?
Or you could have hired a nurse,
or you could have asked
your younger brother
- to help, but you didn't.
- Okay.
Whenever you decide to do something,
it's selfless,
and whenever I decide to
do something, it's selfish.
You get to choose
all the definitions.
You are the judge, the jury,
which just leaves me to
be the "sexecutioner."
I'm sorry, not the right time,
but I had to.
Maybe I need to be
the judge and jury
because I make better
choices than you do.
You're flighty, indecisive,
and you don't think
through consequences.
That's probably true.
I just wish that you didn't
have a list of my flaws
ready right there at
the tip of your tongue.
You're a good person, Danny,
but if you were the best person,
you wouldn't always rub it
in my face all the time.
[phone vibrates]
[phone beeps]
My patient just went into labor.
I have to go.
Just let someone
else take care of it.
No, this is
my fertility clinic's
first patient to go into labor.
Don't you see how
important that is?
What, we're gonna just
leave it like this?
Danny, I have to go. I'm sorry.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[M.I.A.'s "Bad Girls" playing]
♪ Live fast, die young,
bad girls do it well ♪
♪ Live fast, die young,
bad girls do it well ♪
♪ Live fast, die young ♪
- You ready?
- Yeah.
♪ My chain hits my chest ♪
♪ When I'm banging
on the radio ♪
♪ Hand up, hands tied ♪
♪ Don't go screaming if
I blow you with a bang ♪
♪ Ah, Suki Suki ♪
One, two, three, push, push.
You got this, Diana. You got it!
♪ There's steam on
the window screen ♪
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Well done.
I've taken the liberty
of preparing a few words.
Oh!
"To Lahiri fertility;
big dreams from a big woman."
Nope.
"The good kind of immigrant."
- No, she's from Boston.
- I was born here.
"As Jefferson
Davis once said..."
- No.
- No, stop with him.
All right, everyone.
"To our first baby.
May there be many, many more."
Yeah.
Mm. [slurps]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
How'd it go?
Really well actually.
Diana was so brave.
I was thinking maybe
we should hold off
on the wedding for a while.
Think things through.
Something to think about.
Okay.
Night.
Good night.
[somber music]
♪ ♪
[phone vibrates]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪